1. This programme contains strong
language.Copy !req
2. You all right back there, John?Copy !req
3. Yes, Peter.Copy !req
4. You haven't said anything
since Calais, darling.Copy !req
5. I'm watching Avengers. What was your
favourite part of the holiday, mate?Copy !req
6. Watching Avengers.Copy !req
7. See this is what I'm talking about.
John, don't be rude.Copy !req
8. It's puberty. Great!
Looking forward to that...Copy !req
9. Three years of Pornhub and silence.Copy !req
10. What are pubes for?Copy !req
11. Nothing, John.Copy !req
12. They're, erm...Copy !req
13. Well, they're just detail really,
you know?Copy !req
14. Garnish. Garnish?Copy !req
15. Yes, garnish like onions...Copy !req
16. .. on a hot dog.Copy !req
17. They're for warmth.Copy !req
18. Yes - I mean, you wouldn't want to
rely on them, you know, buy a scarf.Copy !req
19. Whatever!Copy !req
20. John, it is about time you started
treating PeterCopy !req
21. as part of the family.Copy !req
22. But he's not.
Well, I am actually, mate, so...Copy !req
23. All right, how old's Mum?Copy !req
24. Oh...Copy !req
25. How old's mum if you know her so
well?Copy !req
26. You don't have to answer that.
No, no, no, it's all right.Copy !req
27. Piece of advice for you, Jonathan.Copy !req
28. True gentleman never reveals a
lady's age.Copy !req
29. Always good to knock a year or two
off it - so with that in mind,Copy !req
30. your mother is 37.Copy !req
31. 36. I'm 36.Copy !req
32. What's Batman up to back there,
mate?Copy !req
33. Not a Marvel character.Copy !req
34. AND here we are!Copy !req
35. Home sweet home.Copy !req
36. Our home.Copy !req
37. Let us in first please, love.
I can't find my keys.Copy !req
38. OK...Copy !req
39. Satchel from the extended
Marvel Universe?Copy !req
40. Don't let him out, don't let him
out!Copy !req
41. You're not coming out until the
police arrive! No! No, don't call
the police!Copy !req
42. You through? Waiting.Copy !req
43. Hey!Copy !req
44. If you don't let me out, I will open
this champagne inside your beautiful
car!Copy !req
45. Whoa! OK, you are not opening that.
That is vintage Dom Perignon.
I bought it in FranceCopy !req
46. and this car is on a very strict
leasing agreement!Copy !req
47. It's a lavish interior! Stop that!Copy !req
48. Stop that! I warned you!
I've travelled 3,000 km to get here.Copy !req
49. I'm in a very celebratory mood!
You're not coming out!Copy !req
50. You want Lewis Hamilton?Copy !req
51. You get Lewis Hamilton!Copy !req
52. Don't want Lewis Hamilton,
don't want Lewis Hamilton!Copy !req
53. Put the phone down! OK, OK...Copy !req
54. What's your name?Copy !req
55. Sami.Copy !req
56. How did you get in?Copy !req
57. You stopped at the petrol station
near Calais.Copy !req
58. How did you fit in?
Where's the rest of our bags?Copy !req
59. At a petrol station near Calais.Copy !req
60. Oh, for fuck's sake... I'm sorry!Copy !req
61. Where, am I?Copy !req
62. Dorking.Copy !req
63. Not London? That's a shame.Copy !req
64. What's wrong with Dorking?Copy !req
65. Oh - no, nothing!Copy !req
66. It's...Copy !req
67. Lots of potential.Copy !req
68. Piss off!Copy !req
69. Please don't call the police again.Copy !req
70. I said...Copy !req
71. .."piss off".Copy !req
72. Thank you.Copy !req
73. Dorking!Copy !req
74. Beautiful day.Copy !req
75. It's turning a bit chilly.Copy !req
76. Just chilly enough, Katy.Copy !req
77. I love it.Copy !req
78. How do you know my name?Copy !req
79. In the car.Copy !req
80. You were talking, I was listening.Copy !req
81. Of course.Copy !req
82. Puberty very difficult time for
everyone.Copy !req
83. Your English is very good, you know.Copy !req
84. I teach it in Damascus.Copy !req
85. Oh, right, you're from Syria?Copy !req
86. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
87. I'm a teacher, too,Copy !req
88. at state school down the road.Copy !req
89. State school?Copy !req
90. High school?Copy !req
91. Ah, me too!Copy !req
92. They are this tall and they are very
naughty.Copy !req
93. So naughty...Copy !req
94. But...Copy !req
95. This year they are all playing
truant.Copy !req
96. Little fuckers!Copy !req
97. Oh, sorry I see what you mean now.Copy !req
98. It's fine.Copy !req
99. But no swearing, huh?
See me after school.Copy !req
100. Do you have a family?Copy !req
101. I have a wife and I have a boy.Copy !req
102. Are they safe?Copy !req
103. Syria to Libya, safe.Copy !req
104. Boat to Italy, safe.Copy !req
105. Smugglers take us from Italy, not
safe.Copy !req
106. We got split up.Copy !req
107. And now, no news.Copy !req
108. Listen, Sami?Copy !req
109. I want to help you.Copy !req
110. Let me give you some money.Copy !req
111. No - no, no. Yes - look take, erm...Copy !req
112. Haven't got any cash on me.Copy !req
113. Oh, Katy, please, really it's fine.Copy !req
114. No, I'm helping you.Copy !req
115. That is it, I'm helping you.Copy !req
116. Here.Copy !req
117. What is this?Copy !req
118. It's a Cafe Nero loyalty card.Copy !req
119. OK!Copy !req
120. You get a stamp for every coffee you
buy and every nine stamps,Copy !req
121. you get a free one.Copy !req
122. I have two stamps.Copy !req
123. Yes. I need seven more stamps.Copy !req
124. Yes, you do. I'm afraid I'm in no
position to speculateCopy !req
125. on the coffee market like this.
I know. It's shit!Copy !req
126. If you would like to help,Copy !req
127. there IS something you can do for
me.Copy !req
128. No. He hasn't got a UK SIM.Copy !req
129. Just lend him your work phone.Copy !req
130. My work phone is not for
recreational use.Copy !req
131. He wants to tell his wife he's
alive,Copy !req
132. not WhatsApp her a picture of his
balls.Copy !req
133. Yes, well I don't know how they...Copy !req
134. .. greet each other in their culture.Copy !req
135. You've got an unlimited
international package.Copy !req
136. It's not going to cost you anything.
Katy...Copy !req
137. Just do it.Copy !req
138. One call.Copy !req
139. Thank you.Copy !req
140. Thank you.Copy !req
141. What's wrong with you?Copy !req
142. What do you mean, what's wrong with
me?Copy !req
143. You're scared of him. I'm not scared
of him. I just don't want him in the
house. We don't know who he is.Copy !req
144. He could be a criminal, he could be
a terrorist, he could have Ebola.Copy !req
145. Sami! What?Copy !req
146. Do you have Ebola?Copy !req
147. Not really.Copy !req
148. Ebola free. Look, my point is...Copy !req
149. Aargh!Copy !req
150. Is that your Ebola impression? Yes.
Yes, thank you so much for that.Copy !req
151. My point is, the borders have been
left unchecked for years!
We were a soft touch.Copy !req
152. Oh, well thank God you voted Leave
then cos that's all going very well.Copy !req
153. I wanted to send a message to
Westminster.Copy !req
154. What did it say? "Hi, I'm a twat?"Copy !req
155. No...Copy !req
156. I just don't want him in the house.Copy !req
157. It's my house.Copy !req
158. It's ringing!Copy !req
159. Voicemail.Copy !req
160. Yazmin...Copy !req
161. .. Donking.Copy !req
162. Dorking.Copy !req
163. Dorking.Copy !req
164. Katy, John...Copy !req
165. Peter! Peter!Copy !req
166. I'll leave your phone here?Copy !req
167. Just here.Copy !req
168. In case she calls back.
He's staying the night.
What? No, he's not. No he's not!Copy !req
169. Sami, would you like another cup of
tea?Copy !req
170. For God's sake.Copy !req
171. Yes!Copy !req
172. Yes?Copy !req
173. We had a call from this address
about a man trapped in a car?Copy !req
174. Right.Copy !req
175. False alarm, I hung up.Copy !req
176. We try and follow up interrupted
emergency calls.Copy !req
177. Good for you.Copy !req
178. All right, mate?Copy !req
179. Hi.Copy !req
180. What's your name?Copy !req
181. Sami.Copy !req
182. I'm friend of Peter and Katy.Copy !req
183. Old friend.Copy !req
184. Thank you, John.Copy !req
185. And how long have you been here?Copy !req
186. Six years, and one half.Copy !req
187. Six and one half years.Copy !req
188. I meant today.Copy !req
189. Oh! A few hours.Copy !req
190. I think I will make another
sandwich.Copy !req
191. Ah!Copy !req
192. My one weakness.Copy !req
193. Chocolate spread.Copy !req
194. It's my favourite.Copy !req
195. Thank you so much for coming with me
to Croydon.Copy !req
196. Yes, we can thank Katy.Copy !req
197. Well, thank you also.Copy !req
198. I know, Peter, you must...Copy !req
199. .. think I am 100% to the maximum son
of a bitch.Copy !req
200. I hide in your car, I impose on
you...Copy !req
201. I understand.Copy !req
202. If you do this to me I will be,
"Aargh!Copy !req
203. "Pfft!"Copy !req
204. What is your job, Peter?Copy !req
205. I'm in construction.Copy !req
206. You build your house?Copy !req
207. Katy's house - no.Copy !req
208. I'm a quantity surveyor.Copy !req
209. What is this?Copy !req
210. It's the management of materials and
costs for construction projects.Copy !req
211. I mean, if anything it's cost
minimisationCopy !req
212. without jeopardising safety
standards and quality.Copy !req
213. Sounds quite boring.Copy !req
214. Well, depends how you define boring.Copy !req
215. That.Copy !req
216. Mr Ibrahim?Copy !req
217. Do you need medical help? No.Copy !req
218. Are you hungry?Copy !req
219. I'm always hungry.Copy !req
220. Don't tuck it in.Copy !req
221. Forefinger on the pad.Copy !req
222. No, a forefinger.Copy !req
223. Biometrics have no match for you on
watch lists or Eurodac.Copy !req
224. Is that good for me?Copy !req
225. It's good for everyone.Copy !req
226. My name is Sami Ibrahim,Copy !req
227. and I wish to claim asylum in the
United Kingdom.Copy !req
228. Mr Ibraham... I love United Kingdom.Copy !req
229. Winston Churchill, Elizabeth II,Copy !req
230. Top Gear - even the one with Joey.Copy !req
231. It is my dream to live here.Copy !req
232. We are not interviewing you.Copy !req
233. I don't understand.Copy !req
234. Can we get you an interpreter?Copy !req
235. What? You said you didn't
understand.Copy !req
236. You inferred you needed an
interpreter.Copy !req
237. I implied it - YOU inferred it.Copy !req
238. Can I get YOU an interpreter?Copy !req
239. This isn't QI.Copy !req
240. I don't know where my family is!Copy !req
241. Help me!Copy !req
242. Help me, please!Copy !req
243. Today is not an assessment.Copy !req
244. Today is a screening.Copy !req
245. We take details.Copy !req
246. We will then ask you to attend a
more in-depth interviewCopy !req
247. at a later date.Copy !req
248. Do you understand?Copy !req
249. Yes.Copy !req
250. You arrived in the vehicle of a
Mr Peter Guest?Copy !req
251. Yes, Peter is a good man.Copy !req
252. That's not important today.Copy !req
253. I owe him.Copy !req
254. Sorry?Copy !req
255. I owe him.Copy !req
256. That is how you say it, yes?
I owe him.Copy !req
257. How much do you owe him?Copy !req
258. A lot.Copy !req
259. Smuggled him into the country,
I'll fucking smuggling him out!Copy !req
260. I'm the innocent one here.Copy !req
261. I'm Mandela!Copy !req
262. I'm Cliff!Copy !req
263. This programme contains strong
language.Copy !req
264. So, how much longer is he going
to be held for?Copy !req
265. Look, I can't say. This is
ridiculous.Copy !req
266. Smuggler? He couldn't smuggle
a Dr Pepper into a fucking cinema.Copy !req
267. Whoa, whoa! Just watch the
language, please.Copy !req
268. You lay a finger on him, I will
come down on you like a shitstorm.Copy !req
269. I'm not going anywhere by the way.Copy !req
270. Consider this a protest.Copy !req
271. Battery's gone, where's the charger?
Uh...Copy !req
272. Petrol station near Calais.Copy !req
273. I'm OK. I'm all right,
I'm all right.Copy !req
274. My blood sugar was low but someone
had a garibaldi, I'm all right now.Copy !req
275. Oh, baby. Come on.Copy !req
276. How was jail?Copy !req
277. Didn't let it beat me, John.Copy !req
278. They can lock you up
but... true freedom?Copy !req
279. Well that lies within
the human spirit.Copy !req
280. How long was I in for?Copy !req
281. Two and a half hours.Copy !req
282. Let's go home. Let's go home.Copy !req
283. I mean, they offered me
a blanket but I refused.Copy !req
284. It was clearly mind games but, uh...Copy !req
285. What's he doing here?Copy !req
286. I am an asylum seeker!Copy !req
287. It is official!Copy !req
288. How long were you in there for?Copy !req
289. About 35 minutes.Copy !req
290. You swan in and out and they
virtually bang me up!Copy !req
291. Is everyone on drugs? Right,
everyone in the car, please.Copy !req
292. Peter, that's not funny!
Back seat, Sami!Copy !req
293. Very hilarious! Thank you very much!Copy !req
294. Whose is this?Copy !req
295. Mine. May I use it?Copy !req
296. Absolutely not. Of course.Copy !req
297. Actually, I already used it.Copy !req
298. Buy me another. God willing.Copy !req
299. Hard bristle!Copy !req
300. You like him, don't you?Copy !req
301. Mm-hm.Copy !req
302. Why?Copy !req
303. He's on an adventure. And the towel.Copy !req
304. Well, he's... had a long, hard
journey to get here.Copy !req
305. Yeah. It must've been really
uncomfortableCopy !req
306. in the back of the car.Copy !req
307. Exactly.Copy !req
308. He's very lucky that your
mother's let him stayCopy !req
309. but when it's time for him to go...Copy !req
310. .. he will be on his way.Copy !req
311. Like you.Copy !req
312. What?Copy !req
313. She allows you to stay here.Copy !req
314. Well, yes, I know, but... And when
it's time for you to go,Copy !req
315. you'll be on your way.Copy !req
316. You don't like him, do you?Copy !req
317. I'm sizing him up.Copy !req
318. I'm sizing you up.Copy !req
319. Yes, a good chat. Good chat.Copy !req
320. Long day. Long day.Copy !req
321. Do you think he's going to be warm
enough on the sofa?Copy !req
322. I've left the heating on.
He'll be fine.Copy !req
323. He's only here a night
then he's gone.Copy !req
324. Oh, for God's sake, Peter,
please try.Copy !req
325. I'm doing my best. Yeah, I know.Copy !req
326. And if I move my things in... Peter,
we've only been seeing each otherCopy !req
327. for ten months. Well, yes but I'm
just saying, if I moved my stuffCopy !req
328. in... Pickfords can't solve this for
you, love.Copy !req
329. Maybe it's too soon for both of us,
hm?Copy !req
330. I mean, we both came into this
from tough places.Copy !req
331. Have you ever looked back at
our dating profiles?Copy !req
332. All the time.Copy !req
333. "English rose seeks tender
gardener."Copy !req
334. Now why do you think you wrote that?
I was feeling a bit vulnerable.Copy !req
335. It makes sense. When did she break
off the engagement? 2001.Copy !req
336. So maybe you're a little bit
out of practice.Copy !req
337. We have a good time
though, don't we?Copy !req
338. The holiday was nice.Copy !req
339. The holiday was lovely.Copy !req
340. I don't understand the problem then.
I don't understand what I'm...Copy !req
341. Right, well the problem is, the nice
times take care of themselves.Copy !req
342. I need you close in the difficult
ones as well. Embrace this.Copy !req
343. No - this, Sami. I am embracing
this. I'm embracing...Copy !req
344. He's lost and alone and he
needs looking after.Copy !req
345. He's not Paddington. Yes, he is.
He's exactly fucking Paddington.Copy !req
346. OK, you know what? Time for Peter
to have his say. Look...Copy !req
347. Stop! Peter time. Because I think
part of the problem here,Copy !req
348. is that I don't speak up enough.Copy !req
349. Now, I'm here because I adore you.Copy !req
350. But I'm also here to protect you.Copy !req
351. That's the natural way. Oh...Copy !req
352. And if that man downstairs is
Paddington,Copy !req
353. then, I'm sorry, but I'm fresh out
of marmalade sandwiches.Copy !req
354. And if that makes me Eeyore then
hell, I guess I'm Eeyore.Copy !req
355. And I know I've mixed my bears up,
but frankly,Copy !req
356. go tell it to Christopher Robin cos
I couldn't give two shits!Copy !req
357. Thought I'd keep you company.Copy !req
358. First night in the UK and all that.Copy !req
359. She kicked you out of bed.Copy !req
360. We have both been exiled by an
unstoppable force.Copy !req
361. What are they?Copy !req
362. What do you keep eating?Copy !req
363. Dates.Copy !req
364. Date? No, thanks.Copy !req
365. You're not my type.Copy !req
366. A date is the refugee's best friend.Copy !req
367. It nourishes you.Copy !req
368. Hydrates you.Copy !req
369. And it's not very big.Copy !req
370. It's good if you are in a small
space for a long time
with no rest room.Copy !req
371. That is absolutely disgusting.Copy !req
372. Perfect for the man on the go.Copy !req
373. You do not know how grateful I am.Copy !req
374. Yeah.Copy !req
375. Good.Copy !req
376. Peter?Copy !req
377. What?Copy !req
378. Is there anything you would like
to ask me?Copy !req
379. What do you mean?Copy !req
380. Well...Copy !req
381. ..you have not actually asked me
anything about myselfCopy !req
382. since I got here.Copy !req
383. No, you're all right.Copy !req
384. Please.Copy !req
385. What side of the road do you drive?Copy !req
386. The one without the tank there.Copy !req
387. Is that the right? Sometimes.Copy !req
388. OK, because here, you see...
You drive on the left, yes.Copy !req
389. The whole world knows how proud
you are of this.Copy !req
390. Yeah.Copy !req
391. It's something different, isn't it?Copy !req
392. You would love my wife.Copy !req
393. She sings.Copy !req
394. All the time.Copy !req
395. God, she loves to sing.Copy !req
396. She must have a beautiful voice.Copy !req
397. Actually it's fucking terrible!Copy !req
398. Sometimes we sing together.Copy !req
399. You do not want to hear that.Copy !req
400. No wonder there is a war on.Copy !req
401. George, he hates it, but...Copy !req
402. .. we love it.Copy !req
403. You'll get your family back,
you know.Copy !req
404. Yes.Copy !req
405. Is there anything I can do?Copy !req
406. To make you feel more at home?Copy !req
407. Actually, yes.Copy !req
408. What?Copy !req
409. Tear down those two walls
and blow up the toilet.Copy !req
410. Goodnight, Sami.Copy !req
411. Goodnight, Peter.Copy !req