1. Everything starts somewhere,Copy !req
2. although many physicists disagree.Copy !req
3. There is the constant desire to find out where,Copy !req
4. where is the point where it all began?Copy !req
5. But much, much later than thatCopy !req
6. the Discworld was formed.Copy !req
7. Drifting onwards through spaceCopy !req
8. atop four elephants on the shell of a giant turtleCopy !req
9. the great A'tuin.Copy !req
10. It was sometime after its creationCopy !req
11. when most people forgotCopy !req
12. that the very oldest stories at the beginning areCopy !req
13. sooner or laterCopy !req
14. about blood.Copy !req
15. At least, that's one theory.Copy !req
16. The philosopher Didactylos has suggested an alternative hypothesis:Copy !req
17. things just happen, what the hell.Copy !req
18. And so our story begins in Ankh-MorporkCopy !req
19. the twin city of proud Ankh and pestilent MorporkCopy !req
20. the biggest city in Discworld.Copy !req
21. A city, where magic is just another jobCopy !req
22. and where the Tower of Art of the Unseen University for wizardsCopy !req
23. looms over all the dark, narrow streets.Copy !req
24. Our story begins on a mid-winter festivalCopy !req
25. very remarkable similarity to your Christmas.Copy !req
26. And so... it was the night before Hogswatch.Copy !req
27. and then Jack chops down what's the world's last beanstalkCopy !req
28. adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticementCopy !req
29. and trespass charges already mentioned,Copy !req
30. and all the Giant's children didn't have a daddy anymore.Copy !req
31. But he got away with it and lived happily ever afterCopy !req
32. without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done.Copy !req
33. Which proves that you can be excused just about anythingCopy !req
34. if you're a heroCopy !req
35. because no one asks inconvenient questions.Copy !req
36. And now, it's time for bed.Copy !req
37. - Susan!
- Yes?Copy !req
38. You know last week we wrote letters to the Hogfather?Copy !req
39. - Yes?
- Well, did he really got them?Copy !req
40. And when's he coming here?Copy !req
41. Does it matter, if you get the presents anyway?Copy !req
42. Yes.Copy !req
43. Well, if you don't believe in the Hogfather, there won't be any presents.Copy !req
44. Thought so.Copy !req
45. But while children everywhere sleep fitfully in the beliefCopy !req
46. that a jolly, fat man is about to deliver their presents,Copy !req
47. not necessarily everyone is entering into the Hogswatch spirit.Copy !req
48. Especially in a city where there is a guild for everything.Copy !req
49. Khm!Copy !req
50. The doors are locked, the windows are barredCopy !req
51. the dog does not appear to have woken upCopy !req
52. the squeaky floorboards haven't.Copy !req
53. I really doubt that you are a ghostCopy !req
54. and gods, generally, do not anounce themselves so politely.Copy !req
55. You could, of course, be Death, but I don't believe he bothers with such niceties.Copy !req
56. Besides, I am feeling quite well.Copy !req
57. Good evening.Copy !req
58. Good evening, Lord Downey.Copy !req
59. You wish someone inhumed?Copy !req
60. Brought to an end.Copy !req
61. Our scale of fees...Copy !req
62. The payment will be three million dollars.Copy !req
63. No questions asked, I assume.Copy !req
64. No questions answered.Copy !req
65. We need to know your name, or names, in strict client confidentiality, of course.Copy !req
66. You may think of us as the Auditors.Copy !req
67. Really? What do you audit?Copy !req
68. Everything. We maintain the logical order of the Universe.Copy !req
69. We need to know a little more than that.Copy !req
70. We are the people with three million dollars.Copy !req
71. We need to know when, where and, of course, who.Copy !req
72. The location is not on any map, and we need the task to be completed by sunrise tomorrow.Copy !req
73. This is essential.Copy !req
74. As for the who, let us call him...Copy !req
75. the Fat Man.Copy !req
76. But won't he be out on his round?Copy !req
77. Ho, ho, ho!Copy !req
78. How would the Fat Man be inhumed?Copy !req
79. A glass of poisoned sherry, perhaps?Copy !req
80. You find the ways and means.Copy !req
81. How can I contact you?Copy !req
82. We will contact you. We know where you are. We know where everyone is.Copy !req
83. Winvoe, is Mr. Teatime still in the building?Copy !req
84. Up, Gouger! Up, Rooter! Up Tusker! Up, Snouter! Giddyup!Copy !req
85. Go away! I don't do that stuff anymore.Copy !req
86. Yes, Twyla?Copy !req
87. I'm afraid of the monster in the cellar, Susan. It's going to eat me up.Copy !req
88. What, again?Copy !req
89. Ye gawds, there's a gel out here with a poker!Copy !req
90. What are you doing?Copy !req
91. Twyla said she's afraid of the monster in the cellar, Mrs. Gaiter.Copy !req
92. - And you're going to attack it with a poker, eh?
- Yes.Copy !req
93. Susan's our governess.Copy !req
94. She beats up monsters with a poker?Copy !req
95. Actually, it's a very clever idea.Copy !req
96. My daughter gets into her head there's a monster in the cellar.Copy !req
97. You go in with the poker and make a few bashing noises while the child listens,Copy !req
98. and then everything is all right!Copy !req
99. Is that what you're doing, Susan?Copy !req
100. Yes, Mrs. Gaiter.Copy !req
101. This I've got to watch, by Io! Not everyday you see monsters beaten up by a gel!Copy !req
102. Come in, Mr. Teatime!Copy !req
103. Ah, Carter, just put it on the table over there, will you.Copy !req
104. Yes, sir. I'm sorry sir, I'll go and fetch under cup directly, sir.Copy !req
105. - What?
- Your visitor, sir.Copy !req
106. What visitor? Oh, for when Mr. Tea-Copy !req
107. Mr. Teatime?Copy !req
108. It's pronounced Te-ah-tim-eh, sir.Copy !req
109. The dog seems to like you.Copy !req
110. I get on well with animals, sir.Copy !req
111. I have a report... here that says that you've nailed Sir George's dog to the ceiling.Copy !req
112. I couldn't have it barking while I was working, sir.Copy !req
113. Some people would have drugged it.Copy !req
114. Oh! But I definitely fulfilled the contract.Copy !req
115. I checked Sir George's breathing with a mirror, as instructed.Copy !req
116. Apparently his head was several feet from his body at that point.Copy !req
117. That was all right, wasn't it, sir?Copy !req
118. It... lacked elegance.Copy !req
119. Ah, thank you sir! I'm alwas happy to be corrected. I shall remember that next time.Copy !req
120. It is about the next time that I wish to talk.Copy !req
121. As a matter of interest, how would you go about inhuming this gentleman?Copy !req
122. You don't have to worry. She always wins.Copy !req
123. Very well done! Very persykological. A clever idea, that bend in the poker.Copy !req
124. I expect you're not afraid anymore, eh, my girl?Copy !req
125. - No.
- Very persykological.Copy !req
126. Susan says, don't get afraid, get angry!Copy !req
127. Er, thank you, Susan!Copy !req
128. And now, if you'd all like to come back to the parlour- I mean, the drawing room.Copy !req
129. Dashed convincing, the way she bent the poker like that.Copy !req
130. - Have they all gone, Twyla?
- Yes, Susan.Copy !req
131. Good.Copy !req
132. That's what we do to monsters. Now, it's back to bed for you, my girl.Copy !req
133. - Difficult, sir.
- Certainly.Copy !req
134. But I have devoted some time to it, sir.Copy !req
135. You mean you've actually sat down, and thought out how to inhume the Hogfather?Copy !req
136. Oh, yes, sir. And the Soul Cake Duck.Copy !req
137. And Death, sir.Copy !req
138. I suppose I just see things differently from other people.Copy !req
139. We maybe able to see the complaint of Sir George's estateCopy !req
140. against you with regard to his dog rather differentlyCopy !req
141. and approve your graduation to full membership of the guildCopy !req
142. Take the dark, sir? By black, sir?Copy !req
143. If you agree to undertake this contract.Copy !req
144. With due elegance, of course.Copy !req
145. With elegance guaranteed, sir.Copy !req
146. Er, Mr. Teatime? You have actually applied yourself to a study of ways of killing Death.Copy !req
147. Everyone has their weak point, sir.Copy !req
148. Susan, there's a monster under my bed, again.Copy !req
149. Do the Voice on it! Do the Voice on it!Copy !req
150. No! Not the Voice!Copy !req
151. - Hit it on the head with the poker!
- Not the poker!Copy !req
152. This is a friendly warning, understand, because it's Hogswatch.Copy !req
153. What are you? A witch, or something?Copy !req
154. I'm just... something. Now, you won't be around here again, will you?Copy !req
155. Or we'll put your head under the blanket. It's got fluffy bunnies on it.Copy !req
156. Fluffy bunnies, no!Copy !req
157. GO AWAY, AND STOP BOTHERING ME!Copy !req
158. That wasn't as much fun as the one last monthCopy !req
159. you know, the one when you've kicked him in the trousers.Copy !req
160. Just go to sleep now!Copy !req
161. 's gone six. He's not coming.Copy !req
162. Good evening.Copy !req
163. Do I have another drink while we wait for the other members of our littleCopy !req
164. troupe.Copy !req
165. - Locks.
- We have a locksmith.Copy !req
166. - Who?
- Mr. Brown.Copy !req
167. And you can help me carry this. It's rather heavy.Copy !req
168. That's a wizard!Copy !req
169. - No, I'm not. I'm incognito.
- Yeah, right.Copy !req
170. Mr. Sideney here is indeed a wizard. A student, anyway.Copy !req
171. This is my brother, Banjo, this is Chickenwire.Copy !req
172. I didn't want to come.Copy !req
173. Mr. Sideney is down on his luck at the moment.Copy !req
174. Hence his willingness to join our little venture.Copy !req
175. What is this? Does it do tricks?Copy !req
176. - It looks like a volcano!
- Really?Copy !req
177. And I suppose we might as well make a start.Copy !req
178. Hello, my name is Violet. And I have been your tooth fairy for this evening.Copy !req
179. There ain't nothing valuable, y'know!Copy !req
180. - Nothing valueable, only a few bags of... t-t-t-t...
- Teeth. I know.Copy !req
181. My name's Teatime. What's your name, sir?Copy !req
182. Ernie. Yes, Ernie.Copy !req
183. Come on, gentlemen! This is my friend, Ernie.Copy !req
184. He's going to be our drive for tonight.Copy !req
185. Put her in the back, Banjo!Copy !req
186. Mister, I ain't allow to carry passangers, y'know.Copy !req
187. Charlie'll give me a right telling-off.Copy !req
188. Don't you worry about that. We're all friends here.Copy !req
189. Our Mom said no hitting girls. Only bad boys do that. Our Mom said...Copy !req
190. Shut it.Copy !req
191. - Shhhh!
- Where to, Mister?Copy !req
192. You know the way, Ernie. Behind the Unseen University.Copy !req
193. Where the students of magic are still hard at work on the night before Hogswatch.Copy !req
194. It's just a shame we don't have any radiation shielding, Bursar.Copy !req
195. You want radiation shielding, Mr. Stibbons?Copy !req
196. Advice from Hex, Bursar.Copy !req
197. As the University won't supply our student an atomic particle accelerator,Copy !req
198. we started to build our own.Copy !req
199. Safety first!Copy !req
200. Dean, have you seen the Head of Inadvisably Applied Magic?Copy !req
201. I need some urgent advice!Copy !req
202. Well, ask the Chair of Indefinite Studies.Copy !req
203. - Lecturer in Recent Runes?
- Well, you see, it all depends...Copy !req
204. I don't know. In my day, when I was undergraduate I wouldn't have been studying on Hogswatch night.Copy !req
205. That's just not natural.Copy !req
206. I'd have been sick twice by now.Copy !req
207. Bursar! Bursar. Then Dean. Oh, there you are!Copy !req
208. Archchancellor!Copy !req
209. Members of the faculty! I've decided, as a Hogswatch present to myself,Copy !req
210. to open up the late Archchancellor Weatherwax's old bathroom.Copy !req
211. So I don't have to sluice down with you fellas.Copy !req
212. It's unhygienic. You can catch stuff.Copy !req
213. Here, I can't take the lot of you throught the wall.Copy !req
214. Listen, Ernie.Copy !req
215. Ernie, you will take us through, or, and I say that with very considerable regret,Copy !req
216. I'll have to kill you.Copy !req
217. But if I take you through...Copy !req
218. What's the worst thing that can happent? You lose your job.Copy !req
219. Whereas if you don't, you'll die.Copy !req
220. Really, Mustrum. I think this is most unwise.Copy !req
221. It said in the plans it was a bathroom.Copy !req
222. You chaps are all acting as if the room was some kind of torture chamber.Copy !req
223. Bathroom, designed by Bloody Stupid Johnson.Copy !req
224. Yeah, the late Bergholt Stuttley Johnson was the worst inventor in the world, Archchancellor.Copy !req
225. Not everything he made had a horribly fateful flaw.Copy !req
226. Think of the thing they are using in the kitchen for peeling potatoes, for example.Copy !req
227. You mean the thing with the brass plate on it saying:Copy !req
228. 'Improved Manicure Device'?Copy !req
229. It's only water. Even old Johnson can't do too much harm with water!Copy !req
230. Go to it, lad.Copy !req
231. You just chucks it at the wall there, and it goes twing.Copy !req
232. Really? May I try?Copy !req
233. - Ah, Isn't that nice, eh, our Davey?
- Yeah.Copy !req
234. And then you just drive forth?Copy !req
235. Oh, yeah, right. Quick, mind, 'cause it only stays open a little while.Copy !req
236. Thank you very much, Ernie. Very much, indeed.Copy !req
237. Wasn't he dull?Copy !req
238. If he's supposed to be getting rid of the Hogfather, why is he going to the Tooth Fairy's castle?Copy !req
239. The Tooth Fairy, huh? Another childish belief.Copy !req
240. - Exactly. Very elegant.
- It is.Copy !req
241. You have to start somewhere. Once you have their little minds in your grip,Copy !req
242. it's good bye, Hogfather!Copy !req
243. It's him!Copy !req
244. COULD I GIVE YOU A HAND?Copy !req
245. Cor, yeah! Here, your fingers are cold, mister!Copy !req
246. SORRY.Copy !req
247. What'd he go and do that for? I did what he said. Could have killed me!Copy !req
248. YES.Copy !req
249. I always keep a nip on me these cold nights. Keeps me spirits up.Copy !req
250. INDEED.Copy !req
251. How'm I going to explain all this, then, eh?Copy !req
252. SORRY? THAT WAS VERY RUDE OF ME, I WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION.Copy !req
253. I said what'm I going to tell people? Letting some blokes ride off with my cart neat as you like.Copy !req
254. That's gonna be the sack for sure!Copy !req
255. THERE AT LEAST I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS, ERNEST.Copy !req
256. AND, THEN AGAIN, I ALSO HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.Copy !req
257. So, I'm dead then.Copy !req
258. CORRECT. NOW TELL ME ABOUT THESE BLOKES WHO STOLE YOUR CART.Copy !req
259. AND KILLED YOU.Copy !req
260. Honestly, Death gets worse than worse.Copy !req
261. He seems to like humans. So illogical.Copy !req
262. But the beauty of the assassin's plan is that he can't interfere.Copy !req
263. But Death can go everywhere.Copy !req
264. No. Not quite everywhere.Copy !req
265. Great job...Copy !req
266. Hello. My name's Teatime. What's yours?Copy !req
267. ALBERT. SOMETHING HERE IS NOT RIGHT.Copy !req
268. Awk! Too right.Copy !req
269. This is the mythological persons' room. How come one of them die?Copy !req
270. SOUL CAKE DUCK. THE TOOTH FAIRY.Copy !req
271. THE HOGFATHER.Copy !req
272. OH, DEAR.Copy !req
273. Oh, dear, oh, dear.Copy !req
274. ALBERT?Copy !req
275. WE MAY NOT HAVE MUCH TIME.Copy !req
276. I don't know what you're expectinging me to say, but...Copy !req
277. Shhh! Questions first. Babble later.Copy !req
278. Now, Miss Bottler. I'd like you to think of me as a friend.Copy !req
279. How're we doing, Mr. Modo?Copy !req
280. The tanks are full, and I've stoked the boilers, Mr Archchancellor, sir!Copy !req
281. You can't read the signs on that door, Ridcully?Copy !req
282. You mean the sign that says, 'do not under any circumstances open this door'?Copy !req
283. Surely, it was sealed up for a reason.Copy !req
284. They just wrote that to keep people out.Copy !req
285. That's right. That's what people do.Copy !req
286. Don't say I didn't warn you!Copy !req
287. Hygiene! That's the ticket.Copy !req
288. I still haven't worked out where all the pipes lead.Copy !req
289. We'll find out. Don't you fear.Copy !req
290. Man the pumps, Mr. Modo! Or dwarf them, of course, in your case.Copy !req
291. She's a tooth fairy. But she's not THE Tooth Fairy. Shhh!Copy !req
292. What did you expect in the Tooth Fairy's castle?Copy !req
293. T'is just the creepiest thing I've ever...Copy !req
294. You don't have to think. You just have to do what I've said.Copy !req
295. - All of them?
- Every last one.Copy !req
296. - Put 'em in a pile?
- That's millions.Copy !req
297. Mr. Brown. I want you to unlock every door you can find.Copy !req
298. What's this really all about?Copy !req
299. Does he believe in things like the Soul Cake Duck? The Sandman? The Tooth Fairy?Copy !req
300. Yeah. Even the Hogfather.Copy !req
301. 'Cause after we're finished here, not even he will.Copy !req
302. ONWARDS, BINKY, TO THE HOGFATHER'S CASTLE OF BONES.Copy !req
303. First Hogswatch off in thousand years!Copy !req
304. Even if I'm going to have the mother of all hangovers in the morning.Copy !req
305. And how can the Hogfather bring you the presents to all at the same time?Copy !req
306. Unless there are lots of Hogfathers.Copy !req
307. - Look, you've always believed in the Hogfather, yes?
- Yes...Copy !req
308. Well, if you don't believe in him, he won't come down the chimney.Copy !req
309. It's a very small chimney.Copy !req
310. And a very small stocking if you don't go to sleep!Copy !req
311. SOOT... PORKPIE... OH, YES. AND...Copy !req
312. HO, HO, HO.Copy !req
313. There's a tap in there marked 'Old Faithful'...Copy !req
314. which I think, perhaps, we might leave alone for now.Copy !req
315. This is a most perculiar Hogswatch.Copy !req
316. Any mustard? They're a treat with mustard.Copy !req
317. APPLESAUCE.Copy !req
318. I'M FINDING THE BEARD A BIT OF A TRIAL.Copy !req
319. Well, at least it's keeping you in the right frame of mind, master.Copy !req
320. In character, sort of thing.Copy !req
321. BUT GOING DOWN THE CHIMNEY? WHERE'S THE SENSE IN THAT?Copy !req
322. It's got to be chimneys. A bit like the beard, really.Copy !req
323. D'you think these little buggers'd be writing to someone who could walk through walls if they knew?Copy !req
324. Oh, that reminds me.Copy !req
325. The 'Ho, ho, ho' could use some more work, if you don't mind me saying so.Copy !req
326. HO, HO, HO?Copy !req
327. No, no, no!Copy !req
328. No, you got to put a bit more life in it, sir.Copy !req
329. No offense intended.Copy !req
330. You gotta got to be a big, fat laugh, sir.Copy !req
331. You know, like... ho-hoo, ho, ho, ho, ho! see?Copy !req
332. You got to sound like you're pissing brandy and crapping plum pudding, sir.Copy !req
333. If you pardon my Klatchian.Copy !req
334. REALLY? HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS?Copy !req
335. Well, I used to be young meself once, sir.Copy !req
336. Surprising as it may seem.Copy !req
337. The teeth give me the creeps.Copy !req
338. Just keep going!Copy !req
339. Why do we pile them all up?Copy !req
340. You don't wanna know.Copy !req
341. The quicker all the teeth are in the pile,Copy !req
342. the quicker we are out of here with our money.Copy !req
343. No one ever laid a punch on Banjo since our Mom died.Copy !req
344. Tough but fair, huh?Copy !req
345. You know, I recall that time she strangled Glossy Ron with his own leg.Copy !req
346. Yeah.Copy !req
347. Maybe the both of us could creep up on him and...Copy !req
348. Yeah!Copy !req
349. I keep thinking of that glass eye watching me. I keep thinking it can see right in my head.Copy !req
350. Don't worry, he doesn't know what you're thinking.Copy !req
351. Well, how do you know?Copy !req
352. You're still alive.Copy !req
353. These damn eyeballs are hard, aren't they?Copy !req
354. They're walnuts, not eyeballs.Copy !req
355. I don't want you back in my life, understand?Copy !req
356. Don't say you've never been warned.Copy !req
357. Warned?Copy !req
358. Did you check the list?Copy !req
359. COULD NOT REALLY MAKE HEAD NOR TAIL OF IT, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH.Copy !req
360. I DON'T NORMALLY CARE IF THEY'VE BEEN NAUGHTY OR NICE.Copy !req
361. I CAN FEEL BELIEF IN THE HOGFATHER FADING.Copy !req
362. What's that?Copy !req
363. IT LOOKS VERY BAD.Copy !req
364. No, no, it's just there's some nibling it, that's all.Copy !req
365. I MEAN THE SITUATION. I FEAR WE MAY BE TOO LATE.Copy !req
366. Never say die, master. That's our motto.Copy !req
367. I CAN'T SAY IT'S EVER REALLY BEEN MINE.Copy !req
368. You'd better watch out!Copy !req
369. Because if the Hogfather still comes to town,Copy !req
370. as a result of a magical misjudgement on your part,Copy !req
371. then you'd no longer be my friend, Mr. Sideney.Copy !req
372. I understand, sir.Copy !req
373. Do you have a lot of friends, Mr. Sideney?Copy !req
374. Well, quite a few, actually.Copy !req
375. I don't have many. Don't seem to have the knack. On the other hand...Copy !req
376. I don't seem to have any enemies at all.Copy !req
377. It's a very enemy-friendly spell, sir.Copy !req
378. - That is, very subtle. And will make the pile of teeth very...
- Mr. Teatime!Copy !req
379. dangerous.Copy !req
380. Grandfather, this is Hogswatch.Copy !req
381. It is supposed to be jolly, with mistletoe and holly. And other things...Copy !req
382. ending in -olly.Copy !req
383. It's a time when people are meant to feel good about thingsCopy !req
384. and eat until they explode.Copy !req
385. A time when they want to see all their... relatives.Copy !req
386. I mean it's a time when humans are really human.Copy !req
387. And they don't want... a skeleton at the feast.Copy !req
388. Especially one, I might add, who is wearing a false beard,Copy !req
389. and has got a damn cushion shoved up his robe.Copy !req
390. I mean, why?Copy !req
391. ALBERT SAID IT WOULD HELP ME GET INTO THE SPIRIT OF THE THING.Copy !req
392. This is a real job. And I was looking forward to a real Hogswatch,Copy !req
393. when normal things happen, with normal people, in a normal house.Copy !req
394. And suddenly, the old circus comes to town!Copy !req
395. Well, I don't know what's going on, but you can just leave, right now.Copy !req
396. - Albert!
- Bugger it.Copy !req
397. Master, I'm stuck.Copy !req
398. The pixie. Oh, come along in, do!Copy !req
399. If the real Hogfather doesn't turn up soon there's not going to be enough room for him.Copy !req
400. HE WON'T BE JOINING US.Copy !req
401. So what have you turned up for?Copy !req
402. And if it's for business reasons, I will add, then that outfit is in extremely poor taste.Copy !req
403. THE HOGFATHER IS UNAVAILABLE.Copy !req
404. - At Hogswatch?
- YES.Copy !req
405. Why?Copy !req
406. HE IS... LET ME SEE...Copy !req
407. THERE ISN'T AN ENTIRELY APPROPRIATE HUMAN WORD, SO...Copy !req
408. LET'S SETTLE FOR...Copy !req
409. GONE.Copy !req
410. YES, HE IS GONE.Copy !req
411. How can the Hogfather be gone? He's... isn't he what you are? Anth...Copy !req
412. ANTH-RO-PO-MOR-PHIC PER-SON-IF-IC-A-TION.Copy !req
413. YES. HE HAS BECOME THE SPIRIT OF HOGSWATCH.Copy !req
414. And while he's gone you've taken over. That's sick.Copy !req
415. WITH A MOUSE IN THE CORNER.Copy !req
416. THE MOUSE IS WEARING A DRESS.Copy !req
417. I ought to point out that she decided to do that so the Hogfather would think she was sweet.Copy !req
418. Including the deliberate bad spelling. But look, why are you doing the-Copy !req
419. SHE SAYS SHE IS FIVE YEARS OLD.Copy !req
420. Seven. In cynicism, she's about thirtyfive. But why are you doing the-Copy !req
421. BUT SHE BELIEVES IN THE HOGFATHER?Copy !req
422. She'd believe in anything if there was a dolly in it for her.Copy !req
423. But you're not going to leave without telling me-Copy !req
424. And what are you doing here, Albert?Copy !req
425. I thought you'd die if you ever came back to the world.Copy !req
426. AH, BUT WE ARE NOT IN THE WORLD.Copy !req
427. WE ARE IN THE SPECIAL CONGRUENT REALITY CREATED FOR THE HOGFATHER.Copy !req
428. NORMAL RULES HAVE TO BE SUSPENDED.Copy !req
429. HOW ELSE COULD ANYONE GET AROUND THE ENTIRE WORLD IN ONE NIGHT?Copy !req
430. That's right. I'm one of the Hogfather's Little Helpers, me. It's official.Copy !req
431. I'v got the little pointy green hat with a bell, and everything.Copy !req
432. Have you been good, have you?Copy !req
433. NOW, WE MUST BE GOING. HAPPY HOGSWATCH!Copy !req
434. AND, OH YES. HO, HO, HO.Copy !req
435. It's a nice drop of sherry, this.Copy !req
436. You've actually been drinking the actual drinks little children leave out for the actual Hogfather?Copy !req
437. Yeah, why not? He won't be drinking anymore, will he? Not where he's gone.Copy !req
438. How many have you had, may I ask?Copy !req
439. Dunno. Haven't been counting.Copy !req
440. ONE MILLION, EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND, SEVEN HUNDRED AND SIX.Copy !req
441. AND SIXTY EIGHT THOUSAND, THREE HUNDRED AND NINETEEN PORK PIES.Copy !req
442. AND ONE TURNIP.Copy !req
443. Well, It looked pork-pie shaped. Everything does, after a while.Copy !req
444. Why are you doing this?Copy !req
445. I AM SORRY. I CANNOT TELL YOU.Copy !req
446. FORGET YOU SAW ME. IT'S NOT YOUR BUSINESS.Copy !req
447. Not my business? How can you say-Copy !req
448. YOU WANTED TO BE NORMAL.Copy !req
449. GOOD NIGHT, GRANDDAUGHTER.Copy !req
450. Sleep tight! Better watch out... pardon.Copy !req
451. We're running out of doors. I hope this is the one.Copy !req
452. This isn't the room we're looking for.Copy !req
453. Just teeth in here.Copy !req
454. Keep going, Mr. Brown.Copy !req
455. Susan will try to find out what this is all about, you know.Copy !req
456. OH, DEAR.Copy !req
457. Especially after you've told her not to.Copy !req
458. - YOU THINK SO?
- Oh, yes.Copy !req
459. DEAR ME, I STILL HAVE A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT HUMANS, DON'T I?Copy !req
460. Well, I dunno.Copy !req
461. OBVIOUSLY, IT WOULD BE QUITE WRONGCopy !req
462. TO INVOLVE A HUMAN IN ALL THIS.Copy !req
463. THAT IS WHY, YOU WILL RECALL,Copy !req
464. I CLEARLY FORBAD HER TO TAKE AN INTEREST.Copy !req
465. Yes, you did.Copy !req
466. BESIDES, IT'S AGAINST THE RULES.Copy !req
467. Yes, that's a shame, really, because she likes to break them, doesn't she?Copy !req
468. YOU MIGHT THINK I'VE ALREADY THOUGHT OF THAT,Copy !req
469. BUT I COULDN'T POSSIBLY COMMENT.Copy !req
470. AND WE HAVE MUCH TO DO.Copy !req
471. WE HAVE THE HOGFATHER'S PROMISES TO KEEP.Copy !req
472. He did something to the real Hogfather.Copy !req
473. Binky.Copy !req
474. Can't she be eliminated?Copy !req
475. Oh, yes. She's mostly human.Copy !req
476. Oh, good. Then can we go back to just concentrating on running the Universe?Copy !req
477. Making sure that gravity works and that atoms spin.Copy !req
478. Yes, when there is not an atom of belief left in the world.Copy !req
479. And the Hogfather is just the beginning.Copy !req
480. What are you looking for, Mustrum?Copy !req
481. My father always said that where you get lots of people bathing together,Copy !req
482. the Verruca Gnome is running around with his little sack.Copy !req
483. Modo, any sign of the Verruca Gnome down there, old boy?Copy !req
484. Welcome home, Susan.Copy !req
485. You toook your time.Copy !req
486. I don't do family reunions.Copy !req
487. The Sandman. Soul Cake Duck. Tooth Fairy...Copy !req
488. The Hogfather.Copy !req
489. Grandfather, what have you done?Copy !req
490. THIS CUSHION IS STILL UNCOMFORTABLE.Copy !req
491. You're doing well, master. Soot in the fireplaces, footprints, swigged cherry.Copy !req
492. The sleightracks all over the roofs. It's got to work!Copy !req
493. YOU THINK SO?Copy !req
494. Oh, yeah! Here's a little tip, though. 'Ho, ho, ho' will do.Copy !req
495. Don't say, 'Cower, brief mortals'!Copy !req
496. OH, REALLY? SO MANY CHIMNEYS.Copy !req
497. IT WOULD BE SO MUCH QUICKER IF I LOST THE CUSHION.Copy !req
498. Yeah. Well, I mean, if we're gonna give Susan enough time to succeed,Copy !req
499. the little perishers need to believe in you, master. No, I mean the Hogfather.Copy !req
500. So, you got to look the part, master.Copy !req
501. I tell you what would be really good to boost belief. A public appearance!Copy !req
502. I DON'T NORMALLY DO THEM.Copy !req
503. But the Hogfather is more of a public figure, master.Copy !req
504. I tell you what, one good public appearance'll do more good than any amount of letting kids see you by accident.Copy !req
505. REALLY?Copy !req
506. And I know just the place.Copy !req
507. Thank you very much.Copy !req
508. Everything going well, Mr. Parson?Copy !req
509. Yes, Mr. Crumley.Copy !req
510. Jolly good.Copy !req
511. LET'S GO, SLEIGH THEM.Copy !req
512. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED, ALBERT,Copy !req
513. BUT THAT WAS A PUNE, OR PLAY ON WORDS.Copy !req
514. Ho, ho, ho, sir.Copy !req
515. Stop that! Stop that! You're frightening the little kiddies!Copy !req
516. Wow, they've got tusks! Cool!Copy !req
517. Hey, look, that one's doing a wee!Copy !req
518. It's the Campaign for Equal Heights that've done this, isn't it! They're out to ruin me!Copy !req
519. That's it! I don't mind the smell of oranges and the damp trousers but I ain't putting up with this.Copy !req
520. And he's not even doin' it right!Copy !req
521. What's going on here, then? Eh? Come on!Copy !req
522. Who are you?Copy !req
523. You can call me Uncle Heavy.Copy !req
524. You're not a pixie!Copy !req
525. Nah, I'm a fairy cobbler, mister! Quiet!Copy !req
526. AND WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR HOGSWATCH, SMALL HUMAN?Copy !req
527. They're autobiographies, writing down everything that happens to you, as it happens.Copy !req
528. I know. I used to live here, remember?Copy !req
529. But I can't read this. The letters are all... odd.Copy !req
530. So, I suppose, now you'll be wanting my words of occult wisdom.Copy !req
531. Ethereal runes. The Hogfather is not human, after all.Copy !req
532. I suppose a bit of warm liver is out of the question?Copy !req
533. On the second day of Hogswatch, I sent my true love backCopy !req
534. A nasty little letter, and a partridge in a pear tree.Copy !req
535. What's the game then? Small-time thief, are you?Copy !req
536. You ain't supposed to be able to see me!Copy !req
537. I'm a wizard! We can see things that are really there, you know.Copy !req
538. What's in this bag?Copy !req
539. You'll really wish you hadn't, mister.Copy !req
540. Will I? What're you doing here, young man?Copy !req
541. Well, you know the Tooth Fairy? It's sort of like the same business.Copy !req
542. What? You take things away?Copy !req
543. Not take away, as such. More sort of bring.Copy !req
544. Ah ... like new teeth.Copy !req
545. Like new verrucas.Copy !req
546. I saw your piggie do a wee.Copy !req
547. OH. ER... GOOD.Copy !req
548. It had a great, big...Copy !req
549. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR HOGSWATCH?Copy !req
550. She wants a-Copy !req
551. I want an army. And a big castle with an active drawbridge. And a sword.Copy !req
552. They're supposed to say thank you.Copy !req
553. ARE YOU SURE? PEOPLE DON'T, NORMALLY.Copy !req
554. No, I meant to the Hogfather, which is you, right!Copy !req
555. Sorry.Copy !req
556. YES, OF COURSE. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY THANK YOU.Copy !req
557. 'enk you.Copy !req
558. AND BE GOOD. THIS IS PART OF THE ARRANGEMENT.Copy !req
559. Yes.Copy !req
560. THEN WE HAVE A CONTRACT.Copy !req
561. Verrucas, eh?Copy !req
562. Wish I knew why!Copy !req
563. You mean you don't know?Copy !req
564. No. Suddenly I wake up and I'm the Verruca Gnome.Copy !req
565. Strange. Anyway, amazing bathroom, ain't it? It's got a special pot for your toenail clippings.Copy !req
566. A special pot for toenail clippings?Copy !req
567. Oh, can't be too careful. Get hold of something like somebody's nail clipping, hair, teeth...Copy !req
568. You got them under your control. I mean, that's real old magic.Copy !req
569. Children of the world, prepare to take a short tour.Copy !req
570. Mr. Sideney! Your big, no-misjudgements magic moment.Copy !req
571. You can't give her that! That's not safe.Copy !req
572. IT'S A SWORD. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.Copy !req
573. She's a child!Copy !req
574. IT'S EDUCATIONAL.Copy !req
575. What if she cuts herself?Copy !req
576. THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.Copy !req
577. REALLY? OH, WELL. IT'S NOT FOR ME TO ARGUE, I SUPPOSE.Copy !req
578. And she doesn't want all that other stuff. She's a girl!Copy !req
579. And anyway, I can't afford big posh stuff like that.Copy !req
580. I THOUGHT I GAVE IT AWAY.Copy !req
581. - You do?
- You do?Copy !req
582. You don't! That's our Merchandise! You don't just give it away!Copy !req
583. Hogswatch isn't about giving everything away! I mean, yes, you do give things away,Copy !req
584. but you have to buy them first!Copy !req
585. You mean this is all free?Copy !req
586. It... would seem to be.Copy !req
587. So, Mr. Stibbons. This thing is a great, big artificial brain, then.Copy !req
588. You could think of it like that. Of course, Hex doesn't actually think.Copy !req
589. Not as such. It just appears to be thinking.Copy !req
590. Amazing. You mean it gives the impression of thinking, but really it's just a show.Copy !req
591. Er, yes.Copy !req
592. So it's like everyone else, then.Copy !req
593. I knew I'd come here for something.Copy !req
594. Now, this here chappie is the Verruca Gnome.Copy !req
595. Who's just popped into existence to be with us on Hogswatchnight.Copy !req
596. The most magical night of the year. Last year's occult rubbish pilin' up.Copy !req
597. I just thought you fellows might check up on this.Copy !req
598. Verruca Gnome?Copy !req
599. Makes about as much sense as anything else, doesn't it?Copy !req
600. After all, there's a Tooth Fairy, ain' there?Copy !req
601. Makes on wonder why there's a God of Wine and not a God of Hangovers?Copy !req
602. Anyone hear that noise just then?Copy !req
603. Sorry, Archchancellor?Copy !req
604. Sort of glingleglingleglingle? Like a lot of tinkly bells?Copy !req
605. Didn't hear anything like that, sir.Copy !req
606. Oh. Well, where was I? So, no one's ever seen a Verruca Gnome until tonight.Copy !req
607. I've never heard of me until tonight, and I'm me.Copy !req
608. We'll see what Hex can find out, Archchancellor.Copy !req
609. Good man.Copy !req
610. Amazing. Now we should be able to get to the bottom of all this.Copy !req
611. None of this is right. Everyone knows he's just a jolly, old, fat manCopy !req
612. who hands out presents to kids.Copy !req
613. - He wasn't always so jolly. You know how it is.
- Do I?Copy !req
614. That's like, you know, industrial retraining. Even gods have to move with the times.Copy !req
615. You see, your Hogfather was probably just your basic winter demi-urge.Copy !req
616. You know, blood on the snow, making the sun come up.Copy !req
617. So there has to be blood to make the sun come up?Copy !req
618. Starts off with animal sacrifice, y'know,Copy !req
619. hunt some big hairy animal to death, that kind of stuff.Copy !req
620. Very folkloric, very myffic.Copy !req
621. Can't stop an animal, never. They've had sacred paints,Copy !req
622. the strongest and the best.Copy !req
623. Died on the dark time of the year to give life to the unconquered sun.Copy !req
624. And, in a way, the Hogfather was all of it.Copy !req
625. And then?Copy !req
626. And then some bright spark thought, hey, looks like that damn sun comes up anyway,Copy !req
627. so how come we're giving those druids all this free grub?Copy !req
628. The world moves on, and he's got to find a new job.Copy !req
629. So it started as an animal sacrifice to make the sun come up.Copy !req
630. Exactlimondo!Copy !req
631. And now, he gives out presents.Copy !req
632. Top of the evening, squire.Copy !req
633. I am Corporal Nobbs of the Watch. And this is Constable Visit, sir.Copy !req
634. I want you to arrest him!Copy !req
635. Arrest who, sir?Copy !req
636. The Hogfather!Copy !req
637. What for, sir?Copy !req
638. He's sitting up there as bold as brass in his Grotto, giving away presents!Copy !req
639. Not quite up to speed here, sir. I thought the Hogfather is supposed to give away stuff, isn't he?Copy !req
640. But this one is an impostor!Copy !req
641. Y'know, I always thought that.Copy !req
642. I thought, the Hogfather spends two weeks in a wooden grotto in some shop in Ankh-Morpork?Copy !req
643. At his busy time, too? Not likely.Copy !req
644. He's not the Hogfather we usually have!Copy !req
645. You mean, a different impostor? Not the real impostor at all?Copy !req
646. Yes! No!Copy !req
647. - Arrest the Hogfather, style of thing?
- Yes!Copy !req
648. - On Hogswtach night?
- Yes!Copy !req
649. For giving away present?Copy !req
650. - In front of all these kiddies?
- Yes!Copy !req
651. - In your shop?
- Ye... you think it might look a bit... bad?Copy !req
652. Difficult to see how it could look good, sir.Copy !req
653. Could you not do it surreptitiously?Copy !req
654. Oh, well, yes.. surreptition. Yes, we could give that a try...Copy !req
655. You won't find me ungrateful.Copy !req
656. In Omnia, we call the Hogswatch night the Fast of St. Ossory.Copy !req
657. But it is not an occasion for superstition and crass commercialism.Copy !req
658. I used to hang up my stocking every Hogswatch, regular.Copy !req
659. All that ever happened that my dad was sick in it once.Copy !req
660. I'm going in.Copy !req
661. There seems to be a thaumic surge from somewhere.Copy !req
662. It's as if something is triggering random bursts of stray belief.Copy !req
663. IT'S THE EXPRESSION ON THEIR LITTLE FACES I LIKE.Copy !req
664. Yeah. The sort of cross between fear and awe.Copy !req
665. Not knowing whether to laugh or cry or wet their pants.Copy !req
666. YES. NOW THAT IS WHAT I CALL BELIEF.Copy !req
667. NEXT!
AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME, LITTLE... PERSON?Copy !req
668. Nobby Nobbs, Hogfather.Copy !req
669. AND HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BO ... A GOOD DWA ... A GOOD GNO ... A GOOD INDIVIDUAL?Copy !req
670. 'es.Copy !req
671. So why isn't it working?Copy !req
672. The chalk, just got a bit scuffed when we were piling up the.. things.Copy !req
673. You sure that's what it is?Copy !req
674. What about the spell?Copy !req
675. Oh, that'll go on for ever. The simple ones do.Copy !req
676. It's just a state change, powered by the... it just keeps going.Copy !req
677. That's very good, Mr. Sideney.Copy !req
678. Because if the sympathetic magic does not work, you'll find me very...Copy !req
679. unsympathetic.Copy !req
680. What happened? What happened?Copy !req
681. This is disgusting, this whole business. It is the worship of idols!Copy !req
682. It's a genuine Burleigh and Stronginthearm doubleaction triple-cantilever crossbowCopy !req
683. with a polished walnut stock and silver engraved facings.Copy !req
684. Aren't we going to arrest this impostor, corporal?Copy !req
685. You're foreign, Washpot. I can't expect you to know the real meaning of Hogswatch.Copy !req
686. ON THE WHOLE, I THINK THAT WENT VERY WELL, DON'T YOU?Copy !req
687. Yes, master.Copy !req
688. AND I THINK I'VE GOT THE LAUGH WORKING REALLY WELL NOW. HO! HO! HO!Copy !req
689. Yes, sir, very jolly.Copy !req
690. Tomorrow morning, they'll believe, all right.Copy !req
691. THEY'D BETTER. BECAUSE IF THEY DON'T...Copy !req
692. THEN THERE WON'T BE A TOMORROW MORNING.Copy !req
693. So for the sun to come up tomorrow morning, the Hogfather has to be alive.Copy !req
694. Precisemento.Copy !req
695. What if he's dead?Copy !req
696. And this was going to be your big moment.Copy !req
697. It's him!Copy !req
698. Such a shame!Copy !req
699. Pretty lights...Copy !req
700. Think happy, Banjo.Copy !req
701. Wake up! Wake up! You got to find the Hogfather!Copy !req
702. He was at the Castle of Bones.Copy !req
703. You're not the Hogfather!Copy !req
704. There must be thousands here.Copy !req
705. And what's all this stuff? 's just paper.Copy !req
706. They're title deeds for properties. And they're better than money.Copy !req
707. If we steal them, do they become ours?Copy !req
708. Is that a trick question?Copy !req
709. Anyway, let's get going.Copy !req
710. He won't miss a few-Copy !req
711. Gentlemen.Copy !req
712. We were just... piling up the stuff.Copy !req
713. I know people say I'd kill them as soon as look at them.Copy !req
714. And in fact I'd much rather kill you than look at you, Mr. Lilywhite.Copy !req
715. You're thinking that Banjo is going to help you. That's how it's always been, isn't it?Copy !req
716. But Banjo is my friend now. Banjo has the heart of a little child.Copy !req
717. I believe I have, too.Copy !req
718. Help them, Banjo. As far as this goes, I really have no use for it.Copy !req
719. It's only pillow money.Copy !req
720. Something much more... interesting has become apparent.Copy !req
721. Albert. I don't see the Hogfather as someone who rolls his own.Copy !req
722. Drop him.Copy !req
723. Control! Control the inner child, and he'll even give you his teeth.Copy !req
724. And somewhere in this tower, you can help me find someone, who can use it.Copy !req
725. Who can use it to... give me the world.Copy !req
726. So what said, take the money and go?Copy !req
727. Don't be so bloody stupid.Copy !req
728. Daddy?Copy !req
729. I say, it's not what you think!Copy !req
730. Yes, it is.Copy !req
731. Mr. Brown! There's one door you haven't found.Copy !req
732. Find the Tooth Fairy's secret room.Copy !req
733. And when he does... then just think, what I can make the kiddies think.Copy !req
734. Are you all right?Copy !req
735. I wish I was dead.Copy !req
736. I think you may have come to the right place.Copy !req
737. - Oh, my head...
- Are you the Hogf...?Copy !req
738. I feel awful. Have you got any ice?Copy !req
739. DUTY CALLS.Copy !req
740. Yeah, but which one? That one or this one?Copy !req
741. Happy Hogswatch, everybody!Copy !req
742. Yet to come, on Hogfather:Copy !req
743. Happy Hogswatch!Copy !req
744. Very well, I've unlocked it.Copy !req
745. And Banjo's opened it.Copy !req
746. IF WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE TOOTH FAIRY'S CASTLE IS NOT STOPPED,Copy !req
747. THEN EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN DOING IS A WASTE OF TIME.Copy !req
748. AND IF THEY GET TO THE TOOTH FAIRY,Copy !req
749. THEY WILL BE ABLE TO CONTROL ALL HUMAN BELIEF.Copy !req
750. Mr. Brown, break me up the real Tooth Fairy.Copy !req
751. UNLESS SUSAN GETS THERE FIRST.Copy !req
752. I need your help, Mr. Ridcully.Copy !req
753. Do you know exactly what's in here, Mr. Teatime?Copy !req
754. Something nasty is happening tonight. I'm hoping he can tell me what it is,Copy !req
755. but he's got to be able to think straight first.Copy !req
756. And you've brought him here?Copy !req
757. He is the Oh God of Hangovers.Copy !req
758. I wish you fellows would show some backbone!Copy !req
759. - My grandfather is Death.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.Copy !req
760. This is fascinating.Copy !req
761. You must think I was born yesterday, Mr. Teacup.Copy !req
762. I'm leaving, right? With what's coming to me. And you ain't stopping me.Copy !req
763. What is the geographical location of the Tooth Fairy's Castle?Copy !req
764. You're creepy. Your eye's weird.Copy !req
765. Then let's see how creepy I can be.Copy !req
766. Who the hell are you?Copy !req
767. I'M THE HOGFATHER, OF COURSE. ER... HO, HO, HO.Copy !req
768. YES, THIS WILL SHOW.Copy !req
769. You are not allowed to do that.Copy !req
770. THERE'S NO BETTER PRESENT THAN THE FUTURE.Copy !req
771. Belief's causing new creatures to appear.Copy !req
772. Is there a problem?Copy !req
773. I HAVE A TASK FOR YOU, THINKING ENGINE.Copy !req
774. BELIEVE IN THE HOGFATHER! DO YOU BELIEVE? ANSWER!Copy !req
775. YOU MUST BRING THE HOGFATHER HOME!Copy !req
776. I'm going to have such fun with this. So light.Copy !req
777. You wouldn'd dare use it. My grandfather will come after you.Copy !req
778. He comes after everyone.Copy !req
779. He's very single-minded.Copy !req
780. I'll be ready for him.Copy !req
781. This is a hell of a way to spend Hogswatch.Copy !req