Hogfather 1x1

1. Everything starts somewhere,

2. although many physicists disagree.

3. There is the constant desire to find out where,

4. where is the point where it all began?

5. But much, much later than that

6. the Discworld was formed.

7. Drifting onwards through space

8. atop four elephants on the shell of a giant turtle

9. the great A'tuin.

10. It was sometime after its creation

11. when most people forgot

12. that the very oldest stories at the beginning are

13. sooner or later

14. about blood.

15. At least, that's one theory.

16. The philosopher Didactylos has suggested an alternative hypothesis:

17. things just happen, what the hell.

18. And so our story begins in Ankh-Morpork

19. the twin city of proud Ankh and pestilent Morpork

20. the biggest city in Discworld.

21. A city, where magic is just another job

22. and where the Tower of Art of the Unseen University for wizards

23. looms over all the dark, narrow streets.

24. Our story begins on a mid-winter festival

25. very remarkable similarity to your Christmas.

26. And so... it was the night before Hogswatch.

27. and then Jack chops down what's the world's last beanstalk

28. adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement

29. and trespass charges already mentioned,

30. and all the Giant's children didn't have a daddy anymore.

31. But he got away with it and lived happily ever after

32. without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done.

33. Which proves that you can be excused just about anything

34. if you're a hero

35. because no one asks inconvenient questions.

36. And now, it's time for bed.

37. - Susan! - Yes?

38. You know last week we wrote letters to the Hogfather?

39. - Yes? - Well, did he really got them?

40. And when's he coming here?

41. Does it matter, if you get the presents anyway?

42. Yes.

43. Well, if you don't believe in the Hogfather, there won't be any presents.

44. Thought so.

45. But while children everywhere sleep fitfully in the belief

46. that a jolly, fat man is about to deliver their presents,

47. not necessarily everyone is entering into the Hogswatch spirit.

48. Especially in a city where there is a guild for everything.

49. Khm!

50. The doors are locked, the windows are barred

51. the dog does not appear to have woken up

52. the squeaky floorboards haven't.

53. I really doubt that you are a ghost

54. and gods, generally, do not anounce themselves so politely.

55. You could, of course, be Death, but I don't believe he bothers with such niceties.

56. Besides, I am feeling quite well.

57. Good evening.

58. Good evening, Lord Downey.

59. You wish someone inhumed?

60. Brought to an end.

61. Our scale of fees...

62. The payment will be three million dollars.

63. No questions asked, I assume.

64. No questions answered.

65. We need to know your name, or names, in strict client confidentiality, of course.

66. You may think of us as the Auditors.

67. Really? What do you audit?

68. Everything. We maintain the logical order of the Universe.

69. We need to know a little more than that.

70. We are the people with three million dollars.

71. We need to know when, where and, of course, who.

72. The location is not on any map, and we need the task to be completed by sunrise tomorrow.

73. This is essential.

74. As for the who, let us call him...

75. the Fat Man.

76. But won't he be out on his round?

77. Ho, ho, ho!

78. How would the Fat Man be inhumed?

79. A glass of poisoned sherry, perhaps?

80. You find the ways and means.

81. How can I contact you?

82. We will contact you. We know where you are. We know where everyone is.

83. Winvoe, is Mr. Teatime still in the building?

84. Up, Gouger! Up, Rooter! Up Tusker! Up, Snouter! Giddyup!

85. Go away! I don't do that stuff anymore.

86. Yes, Twyla?

87. I'm afraid of the monster in the cellar, Susan. It's going to eat me up.

88. What, again?

89. Ye gawds, there's a gel out here with a poker!

90. What are you doing?

91. Twyla said she's afraid of the monster in the cellar, Mrs. Gaiter.

92. - And you're going to attack it with a poker, eh? - Yes.

93. Susan's our governess.

94. She beats up monsters with a poker?

95. Actually, it's a very clever idea.

96. My daughter gets into her head there's a monster in the cellar.

97. You go in with the poker and make a few bashing noises while the child listens,

98. and then everything is all right!

99. Is that what you're doing, Susan?

100. Yes, Mrs. Gaiter.

101. This I've got to watch, by Io! Not everyday you see monsters beaten up by a gel!

102. Come in, Mr. Teatime!

103. Ah, Carter, just put it on the table over there, will you.

104. Yes, sir. I'm sorry sir, I'll go and fetch under cup directly, sir.

105. - What? - Your visitor, sir.

106. What visitor? Oh, for when Mr. Tea-

107. Mr. Teatime?

108. It's pronounced Te-ah-tim-eh, sir.

109. The dog seems to like you.

110. I get on well with animals, sir.

111. I have a report... here that says that you've nailed Sir George's dog to the ceiling.

112. I couldn't have it barking while I was working, sir.

113. Some people would have drugged it.

114. Oh! But I definitely fulfilled the contract.

115. I checked Sir George's breathing with a mirror, as instructed.

116. Apparently his head was several feet from his body at that point.

117. That was all right, wasn't it, sir?

118. It... lacked elegance.

119. Ah, thank you sir! I'm alwas happy to be corrected. I shall remember that next time.

120. It is about the next time that I wish to talk.

121. As a matter of interest, how would you go about inhuming this gentleman?

122. You don't have to worry. She always wins.

123. Very well done! Very persykological. A clever idea, that bend in the poker.

124. I expect you're not afraid anymore, eh, my girl?

125. - No. - Very persykological.

126. Susan says, don't get afraid, get angry!

127. Er, thank you, Susan!

128. And now, if you'd all like to come back to the parlour- I mean, the drawing room.

129. Dashed convincing, the way she bent the poker like that.

130. - Have they all gone, Twyla? - Yes, Susan.

131. Good.

132. That's what we do to monsters. Now, it's back to bed for you, my girl.

133. - Difficult, sir. - Certainly.

134. But I have devoted some time to it, sir.

135. You mean you've actually sat down, and thought out how to inhume the Hogfather?

136. Oh, yes, sir. And the Soul Cake Duck.

137. And Death, sir.

138. I suppose I just see things differently from other people.

139. We maybe able to see the complaint of Sir George's estate

140. against you with regard to his dog rather differently

141. and approve your graduation to full membership of the guild

142. Take the dark, sir? By black, sir?

143. If you agree to undertake this contract.

144. With due elegance, of course.

145. With elegance guaranteed, sir.

146. Er, Mr. Teatime? You have actually applied yourself to a study of ways of killing Death.

147. Everyone has their weak point, sir.

148. Susan, there's a monster under my bed, again.

149. Do the Voice on it! Do the Voice on it!

150. No! Not the Voice!

151. - Hit it on the head with the poker! - Not the poker!

152. This is a friendly warning, understand, because it's Hogswatch.

153. What are you? A witch, or something?

154. I'm just... something. Now, you won't be around here again, will you?

155. Or we'll put your head under the blanket. It's got fluffy bunnies on it.

156. Fluffy bunnies, no!

157. GO AWAY, AND STOP BOTHERING ME!

158. That wasn't as much fun as the one last month

159. you know, the one when you've kicked him in the trousers.

160. Just go to sleep now!

161. 's gone six. He's not coming.

162. Good evening.

163. Do I have another drink while we wait for the other members of our little

164. troupe.

165. - Locks. - We have a locksmith.

166. - Who? - Mr. Brown.

167. And you can help me carry this. It's rather heavy.

168. That's a wizard!

169. - No, I'm not. I'm incognito. - Yeah, right.

170. Mr. Sideney here is indeed a wizard. A student, anyway.

171. This is my brother, Banjo, this is Chickenwire.

172. I didn't want to come.

173. Mr. Sideney is down on his luck at the moment.

174. Hence his willingness to join our little venture.

175. What is this? Does it do tricks?

176. - It looks like a volcano! - Really?

177. And I suppose we might as well make a start.

178. Hello, my name is Violet. And I have been your tooth fairy for this evening.

179. There ain't nothing valuable, y'know!

180. - Nothing valueable, only a few bags of... t-t-t-t... - Teeth. I know.

181. My name's Teatime. What's your name, sir?

182. Ernie. Yes, Ernie.

183. Come on, gentlemen! This is my friend, Ernie.

184. He's going to be our drive for tonight.

185. Put her in the back, Banjo!

186. Mister, I ain't allow to carry passangers, y'know.

187. Charlie'll give me a right telling-off.

188. Don't you worry about that. We're all friends here.

189. Our Mom said no hitting girls. Only bad boys do that. Our Mom said...

190. Shut it.

191. - Shhhh! - Where to, Mister?

192. You know the way, Ernie. Behind the Unseen University.

193. Where the students of magic are still hard at work on the night before Hogswatch.

194. It's just a shame we don't have any radiation shielding, Bursar.

195. You want radiation shielding, Mr. Stibbons?

196. Advice from Hex, Bursar.

197. As the University won't supply our student an atomic particle accelerator,

198. we started to build our own.

199. Safety first!

200. Dean, have you seen the Head of Inadvisably Applied Magic?

201. I need some urgent advice!

202. Well, ask the Chair of Indefinite Studies.

203. - Lecturer in Recent Runes? - Well, you see, it all depends...

204. I don't know. In my day, when I was undergraduate I wouldn't have been studying on Hogswatch night.

205. That's just not natural.

206. I'd have been sick twice by now.

207. Bursar! Bursar. Then Dean. Oh, there you are!

208. Archchancellor!

209. Members of the faculty! I've decided, as a Hogswatch present to myself,

210. to open up the late Archchancellor Weatherwax's old bathroom.

211. So I don't have to sluice down with you fellas.

212. It's unhygienic. You can catch stuff.

213. Here, I can't take the lot of you throught the wall.

214. Listen, Ernie.

215. Ernie, you will take us through, or, and I say that with very considerable regret,

216. I'll have to kill you.

217. But if I take you through...

218. What's the worst thing that can happent? You lose your job.

219. Whereas if you don't, you'll die.

220. Really, Mustrum. I think this is most unwise.

221. It said in the plans it was a bathroom.

222. You chaps are all acting as if the room was some kind of torture chamber.

223. Bathroom, designed by Bloody Stupid Johnson.

224. Yeah, the late Bergholt Stuttley Johnson was the worst inventor in the world, Archchancellor.

225. Not everything he made had a horribly fateful flaw.

226. Think of the thing they are using in the kitchen for peeling potatoes, for example.

227. You mean the thing with the brass plate on it saying:

228. 'Improved Manicure Device'?

229. It's only water. Even old Johnson can't do too much harm with water!

230. Go to it, lad.

231. You just chucks it at the wall there, and it goes twing.

232. Really? May I try?

233. - Ah, Isn't that nice, eh, our Davey? - Yeah.

234. And then you just drive forth?

235. Oh, yeah, right. Quick, mind, 'cause it only stays open a little while.

236. Thank you very much, Ernie. Very much, indeed.

237. Wasn't he dull?

238. If he's supposed to be getting rid of the Hogfather, why is he going to the Tooth Fairy's castle?

239. The Tooth Fairy, huh? Another childish belief.

240. - Exactly. Very elegant. - It is.

241. You have to start somewhere. Once you have their little minds in your grip,

242. it's good bye, Hogfather!

243. It's him!

244. COULD I GIVE YOU A HAND?

245. Cor, yeah! Here, your fingers are cold, mister!

246. SORRY.

247. What'd he go and do that for? I did what he said. Could have killed me!

248. YES.

249. I always keep a nip on me these cold nights. Keeps me spirits up.

250. INDEED.

251. How'm I going to explain all this, then, eh?

252. SORRY? THAT WAS VERY RUDE OF ME, I WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION.

253. I said what'm I going to tell people? Letting some blokes ride off with my cart neat as you like.

254. That's gonna be the sack for sure!

255. THERE AT LEAST I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS, ERNEST.

256. AND, THEN AGAIN, I ALSO HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.

257. So, I'm dead then.

258. CORRECT. NOW TELL ME ABOUT THESE BLOKES WHO STOLE YOUR CART.

259. AND KILLED YOU.

260. Honestly, Death gets worse than worse.

261. He seems to like humans. So illogical.

262. But the beauty of the assassin's plan is that he can't interfere.

263. But Death can go everywhere.

264. No. Not quite everywhere.

265. Great job...

266. Hello. My name's Teatime. What's yours?

267. ALBERT. SOMETHING HERE IS NOT RIGHT.

268. Awk! Too right.

269. This is the mythological persons' room. How come one of them die?

270. SOUL CAKE DUCK. THE TOOTH FAIRY.

271. THE HOGFATHER.

272. OH, DEAR.

273. Oh, dear, oh, dear.

274. ALBERT?

275. WE MAY NOT HAVE MUCH TIME.

276. I don't know what you're expectinging me to say, but...

277. Shhh! Questions first. Babble later.

278. Now, Miss Bottler. I'd like you to think of me as a friend.

279. How're we doing, Mr. Modo?

280. The tanks are full, and I've stoked the boilers, Mr Archchancellor, sir!

281. You can't read the signs on that door, Ridcully?

282. You mean the sign that says, 'do not under any circumstances open this door'?

283. Surely, it was sealed up for a reason.

284. They just wrote that to keep people out.

285. That's right. That's what people do.

286. Don't say I didn't warn you!

287. Hygiene! That's the ticket.

288. I still haven't worked out where all the pipes lead.

289. We'll find out. Don't you fear.

290. Man the pumps, Mr. Modo! Or dwarf them, of course, in your case.

291. She's a tooth fairy. But she's not THE Tooth Fairy. Shhh!

292. What did you expect in the Tooth Fairy's castle?

293. T'is just the creepiest thing I've ever...

294. You don't have to think. You just have to do what I've said.

295. - All of them? - Every last one.

296. - Put 'em in a pile? - That's millions.

297. Mr. Brown. I want you to unlock every door you can find.

298. What's this really all about?

299. Does he believe in things like the Soul Cake Duck? The Sandman? The Tooth Fairy?

300. Yeah. Even the Hogfather.

301. 'Cause after we're finished here, not even he will.

302. ONWARDS, BINKY, TO THE HOGFATHER'S CASTLE OF BONES.

303. First Hogswatch off in thousand years!

304. Even if I'm going to have the mother of all hangovers in the morning.

305. And how can the Hogfather bring you the presents to all at the same time?

306. Unless there are lots of Hogfathers.

307. - Look, you've always believed in the Hogfather, yes? - Yes...

308. Well, if you don't believe in him, he won't come down the chimney.

309. It's a very small chimney.

310. And a very small stocking if you don't go to sleep!

311. SOOT... PORKPIE... OH, YES. AND...

312. HO, HO, HO.

313. There's a tap in there marked 'Old Faithful'...

314. which I think, perhaps, we might leave alone for now.

315. This is a most perculiar Hogswatch.

316. Any mustard? They're a treat with mustard.

317. APPLESAUCE.

318. I'M FINDING THE BEARD A BIT OF A TRIAL.

319. Well, at least it's keeping you in the right frame of mind, master.

320. In character, sort of thing.

321. BUT GOING DOWN THE CHIMNEY? WHERE'S THE SENSE IN THAT?

322. It's got to be chimneys. A bit like the beard, really.

323. D'you think these little buggers'd be writing to someone who could walk through walls if they knew?

324. Oh, that reminds me.

325. The 'Ho, ho, ho' could use some more work, if you don't mind me saying so.

326. HO, HO, HO?

327. No, no, no!

328. No, you got to put a bit more life in it, sir.

329. No offense intended.

330. You gotta got to be a big, fat laugh, sir.

331. You know, like... ho-hoo, ho, ho, ho, ho! see?

332. You got to sound like you're pissing brandy and crapping plum pudding, sir.

333. If you pardon my Klatchian.

334. REALLY? HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS?

335. Well, I used to be young meself once, sir.

336. Surprising as it may seem.

337. The teeth give me the creeps.

338. Just keep going!

339. Why do we pile them all up?

340. You don't wanna know.

341. The quicker all the teeth are in the pile,

342. the quicker we are out of here with our money.

343. No one ever laid a punch on Banjo since our Mom died.

344. Tough but fair, huh?

345. You know, I recall that time she strangled Glossy Ron with his own leg.

346. Yeah.

347. Maybe the both of us could creep up on him and...

348. Yeah!

349. I keep thinking of that glass eye watching me. I keep thinking it can see right in my head.

350. Don't worry, he doesn't know what you're thinking.

351. Well, how do you know?

352. You're still alive.

353. These damn eyeballs are hard, aren't they?

354. They're walnuts, not eyeballs.

355. I don't want you back in my life, understand?

356. Don't say you've never been warned.

357. Warned?

358. Did you check the list?

359. COULD NOT REALLY MAKE HEAD NOR TAIL OF IT, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

360. I DON'T NORMALLY CARE IF THEY'VE BEEN NAUGHTY OR NICE.

361. I CAN FEEL BELIEF IN THE HOGFATHER FADING.

362. What's that?

363. IT LOOKS VERY BAD.

364. No, no, it's just there's some nibling it, that's all.

365. I MEAN THE SITUATION. I FEAR WE MAY BE TOO LATE.

366. Never say die, master. That's our motto.

367. I CAN'T SAY IT'S EVER REALLY BEEN MINE.

368. You'd better watch out!

369. Because if the Hogfather still comes to town,

370. as a result of a magical misjudgement on your part,

371. then you'd no longer be my friend, Mr. Sideney.

372. I understand, sir.

373. Do you have a lot of friends, Mr. Sideney?

374. Well, quite a few, actually.

375. I don't have many. Don't seem to have the knack. On the other hand...

376. I don't seem to have any enemies at all.

377. It's a very enemy-friendly spell, sir.

378. - That is, very subtle. And will make the pile of teeth very... - Mr. Teatime!

379. dangerous.

380. Grandfather, this is Hogswatch.

381. It is supposed to be jolly, with mistletoe and holly. And other things...

382. ending in -olly.

383. It's a time when people are meant to feel good about things

384. and eat until they explode.

385. A time when they want to see all their... relatives.

386. I mean it's a time when humans are really human.

387. And they don't want... a skeleton at the feast.

388. Especially one, I might add, who is wearing a false beard,

389. and has got a damn cushion shoved up his robe.

390. I mean, why?

391. ALBERT SAID IT WOULD HELP ME GET INTO THE SPIRIT OF THE THING.

392. This is a real job. And I was looking forward to a real Hogswatch,

393. when normal things happen, with normal people, in a normal house.

394. And suddenly, the old circus comes to town!

395. Well, I don't know what's going on, but you can just leave, right now.

396. - Albert! - Bugger it.

397. Master, I'm stuck.

398. The pixie. Oh, come along in, do!

399. If the real Hogfather doesn't turn up soon there's not going to be enough room for him.

400. HE WON'T BE JOINING US.

401. So what have you turned up for?

402. And if it's for business reasons, I will add, then that outfit is in extremely poor taste.

403. THE HOGFATHER IS UNAVAILABLE.

404. - At Hogswatch? - YES.

405. Why?

406. HE IS... LET ME SEE...

407. THERE ISN'T AN ENTIRELY APPROPRIATE HUMAN WORD, SO...

408. LET'S SETTLE FOR...

409. GONE.

410. YES, HE IS GONE.

411. How can the Hogfather be gone? He's... isn't he what you are? Anth...

412. ANTH-RO-PO-MOR-PHIC PER-SON-IF-IC-A-TION.

413. YES. HE HAS BECOME THE SPIRIT OF HOGSWATCH.

414. And while he's gone you've taken over. That's sick.

415. I SEE THE GIRL WRITES IN GREEN CRAYON ON PINK PAPER

416. WITH A MOUSE IN THE CORNER.

417. THE MOUSE IS WEARING A DRESS.

418. I ought to point out that she decided to do that so the Hogfather would think she was sweet.

419. Including the deliberate bad spelling. But look, why are you doing the-

420. SHE SAYS SHE IS FIVE YEARS OLD.

421. Seven. In cynicism, she's about thirtyfive. But why are you doing the-

422. BUT SHE BELIEVES IN THE HOGFATHER?

423. She'd believe in anything if there was a dolly in it for her.

424. But you're not going to leave without telling me-

425. And what are you doing here, Albert?

426. I thought you'd die if you ever came back to the world.

427. AH, BUT WE ARE NOT IN THE WORLD.

428. WE ARE IN THE SPECIAL CONGRUENT REALITY CREATED FOR THE HOGFATHER.

429. NORMAL RULES HAVE TO BE SUSPENDED.

430. HOW ELSE COULD ANYONE GET AROUND THE ENTIRE WORLD IN ONE NIGHT?

431. That's right. I'm one of the Hogfather's Little Helpers, me. It's official.

432. I'v got the little pointy green hat with a bell, and everything.

433. Have you been good, have you?

434. NOW, WE MUST BE GOING. HAPPY HOGSWATCH!

435. AND, OH YES. HO, HO, HO.

436. It's a nice drop of sherry, this.

437. You've actually been drinking the actual drinks little children leave out for the actual Hogfather?

438. Yeah, why not? He won't be drinking anymore, will he? Not where he's gone.

439. How many have you had, may I ask?

440. Dunno. Haven't been counting.

441. ONE MILLION, EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND, SEVEN HUNDRED AND SIX.

442. AND SIXTY EIGHT THOUSAND, THREE HUNDRED AND NINETEEN PORK PIES.

443. AND ONE TURNIP.

444. Well, It looked pork-pie shaped. Everything does, after a while.

445. Why are you doing this?

446. I AM SORRY. I CANNOT TELL YOU.

447. FORGET YOU SAW ME. IT'S NOT YOUR BUSINESS.

448. Not my business? How can you say-

449. YOU WANTED TO BE NORMAL.

450. GOOD NIGHT, GRANDDAUGHTER.

451. Sleep tight! Better watch out... pardon.

452. We're running out of doors. I hope this is the one.

453. This isn't the room we're looking for.

454. Just teeth in here.

455. Keep going, Mr. Brown.

456. Susan will try to find out what this is all about, you know.

457. OH, DEAR.

458. Especially after you've told her not to.

459. - YOU THINK SO? - Oh, yes.

460. DEAR ME, I STILL HAVE A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT HUMANS, DON'T I?

461. Well, I dunno.

462. OBVIOUSLY, IT WOULD BE QUITE WRONG

463. TO INVOLVE A HUMAN IN ALL THIS.

464. THAT IS WHY, YOU WILL RECALL,

465. I CLEARLY FORBAD HER TO TAKE AN INTEREST.

466. Yes, you did.

467. BESIDES, IT'S AGAINST THE RULES.

468. Yes, that's a shame, really, because she likes to break them, doesn't she?

469. YOU MIGHT THINK I'VE ALREADY THOUGHT OF THAT,

470. BUT I COULDN'T POSSIBLY COMMENT.

471. AND WE HAVE MUCH TO DO.

472. WE HAVE THE HOGFATHER'S PROMISES TO KEEP.

473. He did something to the real Hogfather.

474. Binky.

475. Can't she be eliminated?

476. Oh, yes. She's mostly human.

477. Oh, good. Then can we go back to just concentrating on running the Universe?

478. Making sure that gravity works and that atoms spin.

479. Yes, when there is not an atom of belief left in the world.

480. And the Hogfather is just the beginning.

481. What are you looking for, Mustrum?

482. My father always said that where you get lots of people bathing together,

483. the Verruca Gnome is running around with his little sack.

484. Modo, any sign of the Verruca Gnome down there, old boy?

485. Welcome home, Susan.

486. You toook your time.

487. I don't do family reunions.

488. The Sandman. Soul Cake Duck. Tooth Fairy...

489. The Hogfather.

490. Grandfather, what have you done?

491. THIS CUSHION IS STILL UNCOMFORTABLE.

492. You're doing well, master. Soot in the fireplaces, footprints, swigged cherry.

493. The sleightracks all over the roofs. It's got to work!

494. YOU THINK SO?

495. Oh, yeah! Here's a little tip, though. 'Ho, ho, ho' will do.

496. Don't say, 'Cower, brief mortals'!

497. OH, REALLY? SO MANY CHIMNEYS.

498. IT WOULD BE SO MUCH QUICKER IF I LOST THE CUSHION.

499. Yeah. Well, I mean, if we're gonna give Susan enough time to succeed,

500. the little perishers need to believe in you, master. No, I mean the Hogfather.

501. So, you got to look the part, master.

502. I tell you what would be really good to boost belief. A public appearance!

503. I DON'T NORMALLY DO THEM.

504. But the Hogfather is more of a public figure, master.

505. I tell you what, one good public appearance'll do more good than any amount of letting kids see you by accident.

506. REALLY?

507. And I know just the place.

508. Thank you very much.

509. Everything going well, Mr. Parson?

510. Yes, Mr. Crumley.

511. Jolly good.

512. LET'S GO, SLEIGH THEM.

513. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED, ALBERT,

514. BUT THAT WAS A PUNE, OR PLAY ON WORDS.

515. Ho, ho, ho, sir.

516. Stop that! Stop that! You're frightening the little kiddies!

517. Wow, they've got tusks! Cool!

518. Hey, look, that one's doing a wee!

519. It's the Campaign for Equal Heights that've done this, isn't it! They're out to ruin me!

520. That's it! I don't mind the smell of oranges and the damp trousers but I ain't putting up with this.

521. And he's not even doin' it right!

522. What's going on here, then? Eh? Come on!

523. Who are you?

524. You can call me Uncle Heavy.

525. You're not a pixie!

526. Nah, I'm a fairy cobbler, mister! Quiet!

527. AND WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR HOGSWATCH, SMALL HUMAN?

528. They're autobiographies, writing down everything that happens to you, as it happens.

529. I know. I used to live here, remember?

530. But I can't read this. The letters are all... odd.

531. So, I suppose, now you'll be wanting my words of occult wisdom.

532. Ethereal runes. The Hogfather is not human, after all.

533. I suppose a bit of warm liver is out of the question?

534. On the second day of Hogswatch, I sent my true love back

535. A nasty little letter, and a partridge in a pear tree.

536. What's the game then? Small-time thief, are you?

537. You ain't supposed to be able to see me!

538. I'm a wizard! We can see things that are really there, you know.

539. What's in this bag?

540. You'll really wish you hadn't, mister.

541. Will I? What're you doing here, young man?

542. Well, you know the Tooth Fairy? It's sort of like the same business.

543. What? You take things away?

544. Not take away, as such. More sort of bring.

545. Ah ... like new teeth.

546. Like new verrucas.

547. I saw your piggie do a wee.

548. OH. ER... GOOD.

549. It had a great, big...

550. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR HOGSWATCH?

551. She wants a-

552. I want an army. And a big castle with an active drawbridge. And a sword.

553. They're supposed to say thank you.

554. ARE YOU SURE? PEOPLE DON'T, NORMALLY.

555. No, I meant to the Hogfather, which is you, right!

556. Sorry.

557. YES, OF COURSE. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY THANK YOU.

558. 'enk you.

559. AND BE GOOD. THIS IS PART OF THE ARRANGEMENT.

560. Yes.

561. THEN WE HAVE A CONTRACT.

562. Verrucas, eh?

563. Wish I knew why!

564. You mean you don't know?

565. No. Suddenly I wake up and I'm the Verruca Gnome.

566. Strange. Anyway, amazing bathroom, ain't it? It's got a special pot for your toenail clippings.

567. A special pot for toenail clippings?

568. Oh, can't be too careful. Get hold of something like somebody's nail clipping, hair, teeth...

569. You got them under your control. I mean, that's real old magic.

570. Children of the world, prepare to take a short tour.

571. Mr. Sideney! Your big, no-misjudgements magic moment.

572. You can't give her that! That's not safe.

573. IT'S A SWORD. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.

574. She's a child!

575. IT'S EDUCATIONAL.

576. What if she cuts herself?

577. THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.

578. REALLY? OH, WELL. IT'S NOT FOR ME TO ARGUE, I SUPPOSE.

579. And she doesn't want all that other stuff. She's a girl!

580. And anyway, I can't afford big posh stuff like that.

581. I THOUGHT I GAVE IT AWAY.

582. - You do? - You do?

583. You don't! That's our Merchandise! You don't just give it away!

584. Hogswatch isn't about giving everything away! I mean, yes, you do give things away,

585. but you have to buy them first!

586. You mean this is all free?

587. It... would seem to be.

588. So, Mr. Stibbons. This thing is a great, big artificial brain, then.

589. You could think of it like that. Of course, Hex doesn't actually think.

590. Not as such. It just appears to be thinking.

591. Amazing. You mean it gives the impression of thinking, but really it's just a show.

592. Er, yes.

593. So it's like everyone else, then.

594. I knew I'd come here for something.

595. Now, this here chappie is the Verruca Gnome.

596. Who's just popped into existence to be with us on Hogswatchnight.

597. The most magical night of the year. Last year's occult rubbish pilin' up.

598. I just thought you fellows might check up on this.

599. Verruca Gnome?

600. Makes about as much sense as anything else, doesn't it?

601. After all, there's a Tooth Fairy, ain' there?

602. Makes on wonder why there's a God of Wine and not a God of Hangovers?

603. Anyone hear that noise just then?

604. Sorry, Archchancellor?

605. Sort of glingleglingleglingle? Like a lot of tinkly bells?

606. Didn't hear anything like that, sir.

607. Oh. Well, where was I? So, no one's ever seen a Verruca Gnome until tonight.

608. I've never heard of me until tonight, and I'm me.

609. We'll see what Hex can find out, Archchancellor.

610. Good man.

611. Amazing. Now we should be able to get to the bottom of all this.

612. None of this is right. Everyone knows he's just a jolly, old, fat man

613. who hands out presents to kids.

614. - He wasn't always so jolly. You know how it is. - Do I?

615. That's like, you know, industrial retraining. Even gods have to move with the times.

616. You see, your Hogfather was probably just your basic winter demi-urge.

617. You know, blood on the snow, making the sun come up.

618. So there has to be blood to make the sun come up?

619. Starts off with animal sacrifice, y'know,

620. hunt some big hairy animal to death, that kind of stuff.

621. Very folkloric, very myffic.

622. Can't stop an animal, never. They've had sacred paints,

623. the strongest and the best.

624. Died on the dark time of the year to give life to the unconquered sun.

625. And, in a way, the Hogfather was all of it.

626. And then?

627. And then some bright spark thought, hey, looks like that damn sun comes up anyway,

628. so how come we're giving those druids all this free grub?

629. The world moves on, and he's got to find a new job.

630. So it started as an animal sacrifice to make the sun come up.

631. Exactlimondo!

632. And now, he gives out presents.

633. Top of the evening, squire.

634. I am Corporal Nobbs of the Watch. And this is Constable Visit, sir.

635. I want you to arrest him!

636. Arrest who, sir?

637. The Hogfather!

638. What for, sir?

639. He's sitting up there as bold as brass in his Grotto, giving away presents!

640. Not quite up to speed here, sir. I thought the Hogfather is supposed to give away stuff, isn't he?

641. But this one is an impostor!

642. Y'know, I always thought that.

643. I thought, the Hogfather spends two weeks in a wooden grotto in some shop in Ankh-Morpork?

644. At his busy time, too? Not likely.

645. He's not the Hogfather we usually have!

646. You mean, a different impostor? Not the real impostor at all?

647. Yes! No!

648. - Arrest the Hogfather, style of thing? - Yes!

649. - On Hogswtach night? - Yes!

650. For giving away present?

651. - In front of all these kiddies? - Yes!

652. - In your shop? - Ye... you think it might look a bit... bad?

653. Difficult to see how it could look good, sir.

654. Could you not do it surreptitiously?

655. Oh, well, yes.. surreptition. Yes, we could give that a try...

656. You won't find me ungrateful.

657. In Omnia, we call the Hogswatch night the Fast of St. Ossory.

658. But it is not an occasion for superstition and crass commercialism.

659. I used to hang up my stocking every Hogswatch, regular.

660. All that ever happened that my dad was sick in it once.

661. I'm going in.

662. There seems to be a thaumic surge from somewhere.

663. It's as if something is triggering random bursts of stray belief.

664. IT'S THE EXPRESSION ON THEIR LITTLE FACES I LIKE.

665. Yeah. The sort of cross between fear and awe.

666. Not knowing whether to laugh or cry or wet their pants.

667. YES. NOW THAT IS WHAT I CALL BELIEF.

668. NEXT! AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME, LITTLE... PERSON?

669. Nobby Nobbs, Hogfather.

670. AND HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BO ... A GOOD DWA ... A GOOD GNO ... A GOOD INDIVIDUAL?

671. 'es.

672. So why isn't it working?

673. The chalk, just got a bit scuffed when we were piling up the.. things.

674. You sure that's what it is?

675. What about the spell?

676. Oh, that'll go on for ever. The simple ones do.

677. It's just a state change, powered by the... it just keeps going.

678. That's very good, Mr. Sideney.

679. Because if the sympathetic magic does not work, you'll find me very...

680. unsympathetic.

681. What happened? What happened?

682. This is disgusting, this whole business. It is the worship of idols!

683. It's a genuine Burleigh and Stronginthearm doubleaction triple-cantilever crossbow

684. with a polished walnut stock and silver engraved facings.

685. Aren't we going to arrest this impostor, corporal?

686. You're foreign, Washpot. I can't expect you to know the real meaning of Hogswatch.

687. ON THE WHOLE, I THINK THAT WENT VERY WELL, DON'T YOU?

688. Yes, master.

689. AND I THINK I'VE GOT THE LAUGH WORKING REALLY WELL NOW. HO! HO! HO!

690. Yes, sir, very jolly.

691. Tomorrow morning, they'll believe, all right.

692. THEY'D BETTER. BECAUSE IF THEY DON'T...

693. THEN THERE WON'T BE A TOMORROW MORNING.

694. So for the sun to come up tomorrow morning, the Hogfather has to be alive.

695. Precisemento.

696. What if he's dead?

697. And this was going to be your big moment.

698. It's him!

699. Such a shame!

700. Pretty lights...

701. Think happy, Banjo.

702. Wake up! Wake up! You got to find the Hogfather!

703. He was at the Castle of Bones.

704. You're not the Hogfather!

705. There must be thousands here.

706. And what's all this stuff? 's just paper.

707. They're title deeds for properties. And they're better than money.

708. If we steal them, do they become ours?

709. Is that a trick question?

710. Anyway, let's get going.

711. He won't miss a few-

712. Gentlemen.

713. We were just... piling up the stuff.

714. I know people say I'd kill them as soon as look at them.

715. And in fact I'd much rather kill you than look at you, Mr. Lilywhite.

716. You're thinking that Banjo is going to help you. That's how it's always been, isn't it?

717. But Banjo is my friend now. Banjo has the heart of a little child.

718. I believe I have, too.

719. Help them, Banjo. As far as this goes, I really have no use for it.

720. It's only pillow money.

721. Something much more... interesting has become apparent.

722. Albert. I don't see the Hogfather as someone who rolls his own.

723. Drop him.

724. Control! Control the inner child, and he'll even give you his teeth.

725. And somewhere in this tower, you can help me find someone, who can use it.

726. Who can use it to... give me the world.

727. So what said, take the money and go?

728. Don't be so bloody stupid.

729. Daddy?

730. I say, it's not what you think!

731. Yes, it is.

732. Mr. Brown! There's one door you haven't found.

733. Find the Tooth Fairy's secret room.

734. And when he does... then just think, what I can make the kiddies think.

735. Are you all right?

736. I wish I was dead.

737. I think you may have come to the right place.

738. - Oh, my head... - Are you the Hogf...?

739. I feel awful. Have you got any ice?

740. DUTY CALLS.

741. Yeah, but which one? That one or this one?

742. Happy Hogswatch, everybody!

743. Yet to come, on Hogfather:

744. Happy Hogswatch!

745. Very well, I've unlocked it.

746. And Banjo's opened it.

747. IF WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE TOOTH FAIRY'S CASTLE IS NOT STOPPED,

748. THEN EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN DOING IS A WASTE OF TIME.

749. AND IF THEY GET TO THE TOOTH FAIRY,

750. THEY WILL BE ABLE TO CONTROL ALL HUMAN BELIEF.

751. Mr. Brown, break me up the real Tooth Fairy.

752. UNLESS SUSAN GETS THERE FIRST.

753. I need your help, Mr. Ridcully.

754. Do you know exactly what's in here, Mr. Teatime?

755. Something nasty is happening tonight. I'm hoping he can tell me what it is,

756. but he's got to be able to think straight first.

757. And you've brought him here?

758. He is the Oh God of Hangovers.

759. I wish you fellows would show some backbone!

760. - My grandfather is Death. - Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

761. This is fascinating.

762. You must think I was born yesterday, Mr. Teacup.

763. I'm leaving, right? With what's coming to me. And you ain't stopping me.

764. What is the geographical location of the Tooth Fairy's Castle?

765. You're creepy. Your eye's weird.

766. Then let's see how creepy I can be.

767. Who the hell are you?

768. I'M THE HOGFATHER, OF COURSE. ER... HO, HO, HO.

769. YES, THIS WILL SHOW.

770. You are not allowed to do that.

771. THERE'S NO BETTER PRESENT THAN THE FUTURE.

772. Belief's causing new creatures to appear.

773. Is there a problem?

774. I HAVE A TASK FOR YOU, THINKING ENGINE.

775. BELIEVE IN THE HOGFATHER! DO YOU BELIEVE? ANSWER!

776. YOU MUST BRING THE HOGFATHER HOME!

777. I'm going to have such fun with this. So light.

778. You wouldn'd dare use it. My grandfather will come after you.

779. He comes after everyone.

780. He's very single-minded.

781. I'll be ready for him.

782. This is a hell of a way to spend Hogswatch.