Hilda 2x12

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Desperate times call for desperate measures as Alfur faces questions from the Elf Kingdom over his exciting reports from Trolberg.

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1. Night, Mom.

2. You ready to turn in?

3. I think so.

4. It's been another long, eye-opening, somewhat harrowing day

5. and I enjoyed it very much.

6. Good night, Alfur.

7. Good night, Hilda.

8. This is very odd.

9. Morning, Alfur.

10. Whoa!

11. - Who are you? - Yes, who are you?

12. Ah. Alfur, you're awake. A pleasure to meet you.

13. I'm Alvin.

14. Your replacement.

15. My replacement?

16. I am not being replaced!

17. You've been replaced.

18. This can't be right.

19. "Effective immediately.

20. You are hereby relieved of your post as Trolberg Correspondent.

21. A special elven delegation will arrive at noon today

22. to escort you back to the Northern Counties."

23. But how can they…

24. You'll see I already took the liberty of packing your belongings.

25. And moving in your own ones I see.

26. Did you know you had an animal in here?

27. Hey, that's a nitten.

28. And her name is Peppercorn.

29. Why on earth does Alfur need to be replaced?

30. It has come to the attention of the Prime Minister and his Cabinet

31. that your Trolberg reports are full of embellishments and exaggerations.

32. In fact, there's a strong suspicion

33. that you occasionally go so far as to make things up.

34. Never!

35. Do you really expect us to believe

36. some of the crazy claims you've made in your reports?

37. Crazy claims?

38. I mean, it's hard to know where to begin but according to Alfur, he has…

39. participated in smuggling a troll rock out of a school for humans,

40. chased down the footnotes to the footnotes of an ancient soul-stealing spell,

41. and negotiated with a fire-breathing dragon

42. for the release of a contract.

43. While these wild tales may please your dedicated fan base…

44. "Dedicated fan base"?

45. Dreadful as they are,

46. Alfur's reports are the most requested from the official archive.

47. - I had no idea. Well done, Alfur.

48. Yes, well, all elven reports must adhere to a strict standard of accuracy,

49. regardless of popularity.

50. But all those things you mentioned really happened.

51. I should know, I was there.

52. That's it.

53. We'll file an eyewitness confirmation form!

54. No. I'm afraid she doesn't qualify as a reliable eyewitness.

55. I'm completely reliable.

56. And, in any case, please note

57. that a hold has been placed on any additional paperwork

58. that you may wish to file in this matter.

59. You mean, I've reached the end of the paper trail?

60. I'm afraid so.

61. This is totally unfair.

62. I won't stand for it!

63. Phew. Perhaps I need to draw up a No Drama Agreement?

64. I don't believe that will be necessary.

65. I will be ready by noon… as required.

66. Alfur, you can't just leave.

67. Have you ever heard the saying,

68. "Desperation begins where the paper trail ends"?

69. No.

70. Well, it's a common saying among my people.

71. There's nothing to be done, Hilda.

72. But you don't just work here, you have a life here.

73. You're my friend.

74. After all we've been through, you're…

75. you're like family to me.

76. What if we find a way

77. to trick the delegation into going back home without you?

78. Hmm. I believe your people have a saying,

79. "Desperate times call for desperate measures."

80. I'm going to take that as a yes?

81. I thought that was obvious.

82. Ooh.

83. Was Agnes really the only option?

84. She volunteered.

85. Uh, and when Agnes volunteers, there's no refusing her.

86. She'll do fine. No spitting at the delegation though.

87. Now, look sharp.

88. Here they come.

89. Hilda, Alfur, and, locals,

90. may I present the Delegation for the Return of Wayward Elves.

91. I am Aloysius, head of the delegation.

92. This is Rupert, Gertrude, Ulrik,

93. and our keeper of the notes Adeline.

94. Hi.

95. I am Bartell, leader of The Lost Clan

96. and acting representative of elf-kind in Trolberg.

97. And this is Alfur.

98. Always has been, always will be.

99. Honor to meet you, Alfur, sir. I'm a big, big fan of your work.

100. Your reports make Trolberg sound so magical.

101. - Mm.

102. - Well, we're all feeling rather emotional

103. and goodbyes are hard so let's make this quick.

104. Bye, Alfur! Safe travels, everyone!

105. Hold on. There's paperwork that we must attend to before we depart.

106. Easy. Easy.

107. You must hereby surrender your passport immediately.

108. - Ooh…

109. Alfur, what is the meaning of this?

110. Agnes never surrenders.

111. Looks like we'll have to settle this with combat!

112. Agnes, Bartell, stand down!

113. Please, I insist, no combat!

114. What is the meaning of this?

115. Alfur, wait!

116. Hmm?

117. It's me! Alfur!

118. Thank you for your support, Agnes, Bartell.

119. But I think it's best you leave now.

120. Alfur, are you sure?

121. Yes, I'm sure.

122. Oh. The spitting elf from the reports.

123. I really rather hoped you'd made her up.

124. No, she is the real Agnes.

125. And I am the real Alfur, the one you've come for.

126. If it pleases the delegation…

127. Oh, we are far from pleased. Surrender your passport at once, sir.

128. Of course.

129. What?

130. But you'll have to catch me first!

131. Don't let him escape!

132. Go, Alfur!

133. He's in the lettuce!

134. Search the leaves, every last one!

135. That scoundrel is hiding in here somewhere!

136. Ha! Something's out to get my lettuce!

137. This way!

138. Alfur!

139. I'm sorry we have to meet under these circumstances

140. because I really enjoy reading your…

141. Uh-uh-uh! Stop where you are!

142. Oh, dear!

143. Twig!

144. You can't hide in the potatoes forever!

145. Hey, who said that?

146. Oh! My potatoes!

147. Oh, sorry!

148. Hey!

149. He's over there!

150. Aha! He's going into the lighthouse!

151. We're coming for you!

152. Spirits! They're coming for us!

153. And our produce!

154. Alfur!

155. Hilda!

156. Jump! I've got you!

157. Jump? Are you insane?

158. Oh!

159. Got you! See?

160. There they are!

161. Gerda Gustav, Assistant Deputy of Safety Patrol

162. is at your service!

163. - Hey, that's great! - Lock them up!

164. Whoa!

165. You may return to your business. I have the situation under control.

166. Um, Deputy Gerda, what are you planning to do with that lighthouse?

167. Take it back to Safety Patrol Headquarters,

168. conduct a thorough investigation…

169. …and then determine the appropriate course of action.

170. This is unprecedented.

171. We've got to save them!

172. Right. Let's see.

173. We need to convene a council, draw up a detailed plan,

174. sign off on the detailed plan, and then…

175. Are you crazy? We don't have time for all that.

176. Alfur and I will figure something out.

177. To the Safety Patrol Headquarters!

178. Oh, dear, there's no way out of this box!

179. Adeline! What are you doing?

180. Making notes for our report. We're on a genuine Trolberg adventure.

181. I can barely keep up!

182. See anything?

183. They're not in here. Next window, please.

184. This is taking far too long!

185. Do you have a better idea?

186. Actually, I…

187. No.

188. Going up.

189. There they are!

190. What's happening?

191. It's Deputy Gerda.

192. - Hide!

193. Okay, full disclosure.

194. I've never interrogated spirits before so bear with me.

195. To begin, what type of spirits are you?

196. This woman is a loose cannon.

197. She thinks we're spirits.

198. To be fair, she can't see us.

199. Are you still there?

200. What if they escaped?

201. - Hello!

202. Aha!

203. Reveal yourselves! Speak, mysterious spirits, speak!

204. Hm.

205. There must be some kind of protocol for getting spirits to talk.

206. I'll be back shortly.

207. She's gone.

208. Now's our chance.

209. Come on, if you want to help me.

210. Help you do what?

211. Get down, she's coming back!

212. Not you, you're invisible!

213. According to this old Trolberg Official Handbook of Spirits,

214. a surefire way to get spirits talking is to submerge them in water.

215. So, I'm going to give it a try.

216. - We're going to drown!

217. Look, it's Alfur and Alvin!

218. Oh. They're all doomed.

219. Perhaps not. I have a crazy idea.

220. Why am I not surprised?

221. Deputy Gerda!

222. Who said that?

223. I am Deputy Alfur of the Spirit Safety Patrol.

224. I apologize for the illegal and unlicensed behavior

225. of these rogue spirits.

226. What illegal and unlicensed behavior?

227. Well, haunting a produce stand without a license for one thing,

228. and disturbing the peace without a permit for another.

229. Not to mention the misuse of a commercial sign

230. for residential purposes.

231. Would you like to add anything, Deputy Gerda?

232. No, no, that's a very thorough breakdown of the offenses.

233. Why thank you.

234. Offenses?

235. Yes! But thanks to the good work of Deputy Gerda,

236. you've been caught and can now be released into my custody.

237. Um. Released to your custody? I don't know if I can do that…

238. Oh, well, you absolutely should not do it without the proper paperwork.

239. You'll need an Official Transfer of Custody.

240. Please sign and initial.

241. It's so tiny.

242. My apologies.

243. We have, um…

244. storage issues in the spirit world so we've had to miniaturize.

245. Do you have access to a magnifying glass?

246. It's standard-issue for conducting investigations.

247. Indeed.

248. "Whereas… in violation of… shall be remanded into custody…"

249. This looks to be in order, I must say.

250. A fellow safety professional such as yourself knows the drill!

251. Do you ever feel as if you're surrounded by people who just don't get it?

252. All the time, but it's part of the job, I guess.

253. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I appreciate your positive attitude, I must say.

254. If you could sign this copy for my records while you keep the original.

255. Certainly.

256. Thank you.

257. Thank you.

258. And now if you'll be so kind as to open the holding box.

259. Right away.

260. It's been a pleasure working with you to resolve this matter, Deputy.

261. Likewise, Deputy. Shall I get the door?

262. Oh, that won't be necessary.

263. We spirits prefer to pass through the walls.

264. But I'll close the window as a sign of our departure.

265. Farewell!

266. Amazing.

267. Alfur, that was brilliant!

268. The important thing is it worked.

269. Let's get out of here, shall we?

270. I must say that this experience has been…

271. Exciting?

272. Unnerving.

273. I'm not sure anyone will believe it.

274. Don't worry, I've got it all down in my notes.

275. I'm sure you have.

276. Alfur, your actions today have not gone unnoted by this delegation.

277. However… Um…

278. I know. I still have to go.

279. Oh, Alfur.

280. Hold on! Hold on! Hold on!

281. In light of our recent adventures…

282. In light of our recent adventures,

283. and your impressive ability

284. to deal with the unique challenges of living in this city,

285. I cannot, in good conscience,

286. remove you from your post as our Trolberg Correspondent.

287. Huh?

288. Furthermore, this delegation will inform the Prime Minister that,

289. based on observation and analysis,

290. your reports, as far-fetched as they may seem,

291. are undoubtedly true and accurate.

292. An eyewitness confirmation form?

293. So, I can stay?

294. You must stay.

295. Yes!

296. I don't know what to say.

297. We shall return to the Northern Counties,

298. effective immediately.

299. Keep up the good work, Alfur.

300. I'm not sure which has been more thrilling,

301. meeting you or getting to make notes about meeting you.

302. About those notes…

303. I'll have to file a report on your visit, of course,

304. and I'm wondering if you'd be willing to co-author it with me?

305. Are you serious?

306. Yes, of course, it would be an honor!

307. Goodbye, Alfur. Meeting you hasn't exactly been a pleasure

308. but it has been…

309. Unprecedented?

310. Hmm. Quite.

311. Bye!

312. Farewell!

313. Come on, Alfur. Let's go home.

314. Night-night, Peppercorn.