Hey Arnold! 5x2

1. Here we go. Arnold.

2. Hey, Arnold!

3. Hey, Arnold!

4. Arnold.

5. Arnold.

6. (SIREN WAILING) Arnold.

7. Arnold.

8. Move it, football head.

9. Hey, Arnold!

10. And then the cow says to the farmer.

11. Butter? I thought you said "utter".

12. Lila, that's really funny.

13. Gosh, Arnold, thanks ever so much.

14. Here you go, Helga.

15. Excuse me. Huh?

16. I think I just offered you an invitation

17. to my costume party this weekend.

18. Oh, yeah, thanks. Now, move along. Would you, sister?

19. Ingrate.

20. No. I'm serious, Lila. You really do tell the best stories.

21. Oh, Arnold. You're too kind.

22. Ugh!

23. Well, it looks like there's only one left. You go ahead.

24. Oh, not at all, Arnold. I'm certain you should take it.

25. You sure? Ever so sure.

26. Thanks, Lila. That's really thoughtful of you.

27. Wow, Lila those are really nice bows. Are they new?

28. Gosh, no, Arnold. In fact, I'm certain I wear them every old day.

29. Well, today they look especially nice.

30. Thank you, Arnold. You're ever so sweet.

31. Arnold, forever under Lila's spell.

32. Eternally worshiping her every stinking move.

33. Constantly enraptured by her, "oh, so adorable" sense of humor,

34. and her selflessness, and her cute hair accessories.

35. (SIGHS) And yet, how I wish I was born a little miss perfect.

36. How I longed to be funny, and kind, and feminine.

37. How I dream that I could somehow be more like Lila.

38. So that you, my Love, might blindly worship me instead.

39. Wait a minute. That's a great idea.

40. If I want to get Arnold's attention,

41. all I have to do is start acting like Lila.

42. Oh, man. I can't believe, I didn't think of this sooner.

43. Now all I got to do is find Miss Perfect and get her to coach me.

44. Teach you to be like me?

45. I'm sorry Helga, but I'm certain I just don't get why.

46. Oh, look, Lila, it's real simple.

47. I've been thinking a lot about myself lately

48. and I've decided it's high time I turned over a new leaf.

49. You know, improve my self-image.

50. Try to be nicer to people. Act more sociable.

51. And, well, I just figured you'd be the perfect person to help me out.

52. You did? Oh, well, yeah, Lila.

53. I mean after all you are the nicest, funniest, most feminine girl in school.

54. Gosh, Helga. I'm ever so flattered that you feel that way.

55. And I'm certain, I'd love to help you out.

56. Lets start with those funny little stories you're always telling.

57. I mean, where do you get your material? It's incredible.

58. I suppose I just draw from my own personal experiences.

59. (CHUCKLES) Man, that ought to be a snap.

60. Now, about the way you're always going around, acting so nice to people.

61. I mean, how could I learn to do that?

62. Well, I guess you could just begin by giving someone an oh, so simple compliment.

63. Complimenting someone? (SCOFFS)

64. All right. Now, how about this whole acting like a girly girl routine?

65. I could really use a few pointers.

66. Well, for starters, you could try and be less argumentative.

67. You do tend to get into oh so many fights and confrontations.

68. Non-confrontational. I like it.

69. All right, Lila. Starting tomorrow,

70. I say you and I put operation Self Improvement into action.

71. It sounds oh too exciting Helga. I'll see you bright and early.

72. See you, Lila.

73. Lila, what a sap. What a stooge.

74. What an unwitting pawn in my master scheme.

75. Tomorrow, I'll put my little plan in to action, all right.

76. And I'll have Arnold falling for me, before I know it.

77. Morning, Helga. Morning, Miss Lila.

78. Have you come prepared to spin us one of your spirited yarns?

79. No, Stinky.

80. But I'm certain, Helga must have an ever so delightful story,

81. she'd like to share with us all.

82. Remember, just stick to true events.

83. True life. Got it.

84. So I'm sitting on the couch the other night, watching TV,

85. when Big Bob walks in with a bag from Fong Chung's under his arm.

86. Miriam is wearing something silky night gown things, takes one look at it and says,

87. "Chinese take out. I thought you said, we were going to make out."

88. (LAUGHS) Pretty funny, huh?

89. Oh what? What did I say?

90. Gosh. That's got to be the most unseemly

91. schoolyard tale I've ever heard.

92. So the thing is, I just can't decide,

93. whether I should go to the party as a prima ballerina

94. or a gogo dancer.

95. It's simply driving me mad.

96. This would be an oh, too perfect time for a compliment, Helga.

97. Compliment. No problem.

98. Well, if you ask me Rhonda, I think you should go with ballerina.

99. That way the tutu will cover up your thighs

100. and your legs won't look as fat. Oh!

101. (HESITATINGLY) What? What did I do?

102. That's it. She is uninvited.

103. Ew! Look it's Helga Pataki

104. and her big hairy caterpillar eyebrows.

105. Helga, I am ever so certain

106. that this would be a good opportunity to practice being non-confrontational.

107. Non-confrontational. Right.

108. You're so ugly Helga,

109. you better not sit anywhere near me or I might lose my appetite.

110. Um, Helga are you oh so certain, you want to turn over a new leaf.

111. Harold, are you all right?

112. Arnold!

113. I mean, of course I want to turn over a new leaf, Lila.

114. I just have not being trying enough that's all.

115. Starting right now, I am going to spend every waking minute with you.

116. Until I get it right.

117. But all right, Helga. If you're oh so certain, that's the best thing to do.

118. And Miriam says to Blob. "New beeper, I thought you said zoo keeper."

119. I just can't decide.

120. Whether to serve triangular shaped finger sandwiches

121. or square ones. Its simply driving me mad.

122. Well if you ask me, Rhonda, I think you should go with both.

123. That way you won't have to stifle your oh so wonderful sense of creativity.

124. Oh. I'll see you tonight.

125. Oh, look, it's Helga Pataki

126. and her big dumb billy goat ears.

127. You better not sit anywhere near me

128. or I might get barf all over the place.

129. Oh, Harold, it's just ever so charming

130. the way you feel so comfortable kidding around with me.

131. Gosh, Helga, the progress you've made is ever so impressive.

132. Gosh, Lila, thanks ever so much.

133. Oh my beloved,

134. my most difficult transformation is almost complete.

135. Tonight at Rhonda's party, I'll finally show you face to face,

136. just how funny and nice and Lila-like I can be.

137. And then Arnold, then you'll at last be mine.

138. Ouch!

139. Helga?

140. Do you like it. It's to thank you ever so much for helping me.

141. Gosh, Helga, I'm certain, I just love it.

142. I'm oh so happy you feel that way, Lila.

143. And now I'm certain, I ought to be getting myself some punch.

144. Okay, Helga, I'll see you later.

145. Hey, Lila. Hello, Arnold.

146. Helga! Wow. Great costume.

147. Why thank you, Arnold.

148. And may I say that your costume is ever so enchanting as well.

149. Thanks, Helga. You're ever so welcome.

150. Well, I guess... I guess I'd better go mingle.

151. Uh. No, Arnold, wait.

152. I mean, I'm certain, I have an ever so amusing joke,

153. I'd like to tell you before you go.

154. Sure, Helga.

155. Whatever do you call a cow that is laying on a barn floor?

156. I don't know. What? Ground beef.

157. (LAUGHS) Hey, that's pretty funny.

158. Gosh, Arnold, Thanks ever so much.

159. Would you like to try one of Rhonda's oh so adorable finger sandwiches?

160. Um, Helga, it looks like there's only one left.

161. Oh. Well, gosh. Well, you go ahead.

162. Oh, not at all, Arnold. I'm certain you should take it.

163. You're sure? Ever so sure.

164. Thanks, Helga. That's really thoughtful of you.

165. Oh, Arnold, I'm ever so certain, I can't see a thing.

166. Just trust me. You'll be fine

167. Arnold, Can I talk to you for a sec, buddy.

168. Sure. Don't worry, I'll be right back.

169. Certainly.

170. What are you doing?

171. Playing pin the tail on the monkey.

172. I mean, what are you doing spending all your time with Helga Pataki?

173. I guess I'm just having a good time hanging out with her.

174. Arnold, wake up and smell the coffee.

175. The reason you're hanging out with Helga

176. is because she's walking around, looking and acting like Lila.

177. Oh, come on, Gerald. This has nothing to do with Lila.

178. Now, I got to get back to the game.

179. Whatever you say, Arnold.

180. So, where were we?

181. You were just about to spin me around Arnold.

182. Right, Lila.

183. What did you call me?

184. I don't know. What did I call you?

185. I'm sure you just call me Lila.

186. No, I don't think so.

187. I'm ever so certain you did, Arnold.

188. Well, I'm sorry. I mean, it's an easy mistake to make.

189. You know, considering the costume.

190. Right. Arnold, will you excuse me a moment?

191. Oh, who am I kidding?

192. This whole thing is completely ridiculous.

193. I mean, so what if Arnold is finally spending time with me,

194. and listening to my stupid jokes,

195. and offering to share his finger sandwiches?

196. He isn't doing it because of me.

197. He's doing it because I remind him of Lila.

198. That's it. I am sick of being Miss Phony-Perfect anyway.

199. I'm going back to the party and I'm going as myself.

200. No matter what happens.

201. Helga what happened to your costume.?

202. I took it off, Arnold.

203. I was feeling uncomfortable. Oh.

204. So, still up for a round of pin the tail on the monkey?

205. Actually, it's getting kind of cold out here. I think I'm going to go in.

206. Okay. I guess I'll just see you when I see you, Arnold.

207. Yeah.

208. Oh, well. I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

209. Arnold's never going to like me, like me,

210. and that's just the way it is.

211. It was stupid of me to ever think I could change that.

212. Hi, Arnold. Wherever have you been?

213. I mean, I'm ever so certain, I haven't seen you at all tonight.

214. I've been hanging out with Helga.

215. Helga. Well, gee, that sounds nice.

216. Yeah. It was nice.

217. I mean, sometimes, Helga can be really mean.

218. But then other times, like tonight she can be pretty okay.

219. When she is, then I actually kind of like her.

220. Anyway, you want to go and get some punch, Lila?

221. I'd love to.

222. Okay, so he doesn't like me like me. But he does like me.

223. Then that means I'm half-way there.

224. Oh! (DOG BARKING)

225. It's your grandma's veal chops, Arnold.

226. Thanks, Mr. Green. (CAR SCREECHING)

227. Grandpa, are you all right?

228. I'm fine but my darn car is in a gigantic hole.

229. Third time this month the package ended up in there.

230. That good for nothing Councilman Gladhand.

231. I complained to his office again just yesterday.

232. But nothing.

233. But did you talk to him in person?

234. Nah, those politicians are always at lunch.

235. Well, it's 4:30, I'll give it a try.

236. He's at lunch, a late lunch.

237. Boy, oh, boy, that just really puts the gravy on the whole lousy brisket, doesn't it?

238. Maybe it'd be better if we went down to his office and talked to him.

239. That's an idea. I'm going down there right now.

240. Come on, Arnold.

241. Good luck at City Hall. Give 'em heck, boys.

242. Who's going to help me get my car out of this hole.

243. I'm sorry but councilman Gladhand is still in his working lunch.

244. But it's almost dinner time.

245. He's in a very important committee meeting.

246. Oh well, well. That was a very productive lunch.

247. Always happy to help out a major campaign contributor like you, Mike.

248. Uh, Mr. Councilman, sir, you have some visitors.

249. Why, this is wonderful, a concerned young citizen and a local tradesman.

250. It's a perfect photo-op, Lorraine.

251. We didn't really come here to take pictures, Councilman.

252. My name is Marty Green.

253. I got a butcher shop on Vine Street.

254. This is Arnold.

255. My pleasure Sure. Nice to meet you.

256. Now, we came here to complain about a giant pothole on our street.

257. My grandpa's Packard is stuck in it.

258. Packard, fine old American cars.

259. Yeah, it's a great car. But about the pothole problem...

260. Mr. Green, I promise you that in no uncertain terms,

261. my comprehensive problem solving committee will look into this pothole quandary

262. in the most expedient time frame possible

263. and make a comprehensive recommendation for the quickest possible solution.

264. Now, I'm off to a most important meeting.

265. Upcoming elections. Three weeks. Vote Gladhand.

266. Uh, we'll see what happens.

267. Hey, looks like Councilman Gladhand is doing what he said he would.

268. A board! A lousy plywood board. That's his solution.

269. Uh, yeah, the order came in right from Councilman Gladhand himself.

270. It's a pretty good board, you know.

271. Councilman said to stick a board there and the job's done.

272. Well, it's a little bit of progress. I guess.

273. Dang nabbit! Again?

274. Hey, the lights just went out.

275. Transformer is dead.

276. Thank you Councilman Gladhand.

277. Hey, folks, here I am again, crawling out of this big stupid hole

278. that I drove my car into.

279. We all have the same complaints.

280. And Gladhand just promises things but doesn't deliver.

281. If Gladhand would have just fixed that pothole,

282. the old man wouldn't have driven his car into it.

283. Yeah!

284. Wait a minute. Who are you calling old man?

285. I know I'm just a butcher,

286. but this whole situation is turning into a rotten stinking piece of beef.

287. I know and love the neighborhood much better than Gladhand does.

288. He should fill up these potholes.

289. Mr. Green for Councilman.

290. Yeah!

291. Wait, I'm just a butcher.

292. You can do it Mr. Green.

293. (CHANTING) Mr. Green.

294. Okay, I'll do it. I'll run for Councilman.

295. Hooray!

296. Will you help me, Arnold?

297. Sure, Mr. Green.

298. So, wrapping up. We have to work together.

299. So, Mr. Marty Green, you think you can beat me in the elections.

300. Well, sir, I'm going to try.

301. And are you going to help the butcher, little boy?

302. Arnold is my campaign manager.

303. Do you have any experience, Arnold?

304. I helped my best friend Gerald get elected as the president of the fourth grade.

305. Impressive. Well, Mr. Green and Campaign Manager, Arnold,

306. I challenge you to a debate in front of our friends and neighbors.

307. So how's next Monday night?

308. I'll be happy to debate you, Councilman.

309. Uh-uh. The Councilman is way ahead of me in the polls, Arnold.

310. Don't worry, Mr. Green. The polls can change.

311. When you're up on the stage tomorrow night,

312. just say exactly how you feel about things.

313. You know, be yourself.

314. This election constitutes a battle of attitudes,

315. dispositions and perspective.

316. There he goes again with all his fancy words.

317. Vote Gladhand.

318. You'll be glad you did.

319. I can't just be myself up there in that debate, Arnold.

320. He'll eat me alive.

321. I got to come up with some fancy words.

322. I got to out Gladhand, Gladhand.

323. I really don't think that's the best way to do it.

324. Arnold, I appreciate your concern

325. but I'm about to lose this election.

326. So I got to do what I think is best.

327. I got to get out of here.

328. The next question in the debate is,

329. how would you describe the current condition of our neighborhood?

330. Councilman Gladhand.

331. The current livability environment

332. is such in our specified district

333. that the inhabitants thereof enjoy a status quo

334. that is unwavering in its comfort and fruition level.

335. I say don't go green, go red, white and blue.

336. Vote Gladhand. (CHUCKLES) You'll be glad you did.

337. Mr. Green, same question.

338. As a member of the, um, citizenry, of the, uh, this area, I think, um,

339. as a lifelong resident we have to state, no, explain, um,

340. in a loud cacophony... (STUTTERING)

341. What's he doing? He's not saying anything.

342. What are you doing out there?

343. I took a chance using those big words

344. 'cause that's what I thought the people wanted to hear.

345. Instead, I bored them all to tears.

346. And I hate wearing this three-piece-suit.

347. I'm not fooling anyone.

348. No one out there wants to be fooled.

349. They want to hear you just be yourself and talk about what you know.

350. And what do I know? I'm a butcher.

351. You know a lot of stuff.

352. You work hard and you run a business.

353. Being a councilman is like running a business.

354. This may sound crazy

355. but imagine if the neighborhood was like a big butcher shop.

356. Big butcher shop, hmm?

357. I could talk just like myself, like a butcher.

358. I like it, Arnold.

359. I'm a butcher who's mad as heck about potholes

360. and knows about pot roast. That's good.

361. Ladies and gentlemen.

362. We're ready to start the second half of the debate.

363. I, I better get out there, Arnold.

364. Good luck. Thanks, kid.

365. And thanks for the advice.

366. You're a good egg.

367. Um, let me ask you something.

368. Why you spending so much time trying to get me elected?

369. Because I love this neighborhood as much as you do, Mr. Green.

370. Now I realize I was trying to use big fancy words before

371. but they didn't really mean anything.

372. I'm your butcher, but I also want to be your councilman.

373. If you elect me I will listen to everyone

374. just like I pay special attention

375. to each piece of poultry when I pluck it, marinate it, and cook it.

376. Councilman Gladhand,

377. how will you deal with the persistent pothole problems in the neighborhood?

378. (STUTTERING) The betterment of our neighborhood

379. depends on a, a consolidated joint effort by all peoples involved.

380. What are you talking about?

381. Mr. Green, same question.

382. Our neighborhood is like a prime cut of meat.

383. It's special.

384. You can't just throw a prime cut on a grill and forget about it.

385. And you can't just forget about the problems of our neighborhood.

386. If elected I'll make sure that all the potholes are filled.

387. I care about my neighborhood. It's a prime cut of a place.

388. (CHEERING AND CHANTING) Mr. Green! Mr. Green!

389. He's just a butcher. He's talking about meat.

390. (CHANTING) Mr. Green! Mr. Green!

391. Let's not overcook the important issues.

392. I don't sell hamburger and call it filet mignon

393. and as your councilman I won't draw a board over a pothole and called it fixed.

394. Thank you.

395. Hey, Arnold.

396. I respect the fine work that you did as Mr. Green's campaign manager,

397. and so I thought that I would propose that we make a pact.

398. A pact?

399. I want Mr. Green to quit the race.

400. If he does I'll fix the pothole in front of his shop tonight,

401. and I'll throw a big catered party for your whole block.

402. And what about the other potholes?

403. What about the rest of the neighborhood?

404. I'll form a committee to study the issue ex-post facto.

405. Look, Mr. Green's not going to quit.

406. He's a good honest guy who wants a fair election.

407. I have to go. Good luck.

408. Arnold. Just try to get Green to quit, please.

409. Do you like balloons? Oh, I've got balloons.

410. Please, kid?

411. Please!

412. Hello.

413. Really? Oh, thanks.

414. Oh, no, I don't like the sound of that.

415. You've lost. Almighty!

416. Actually, everybody,

417. I won!

418. I want to thank you all for supporting me.

419. And I especially want to thank Arnold

420. who helped me from day one

421. and is a really good friend, and a good guy.

422. (CHEERING) Arnold! Arnold!

423. Congratulations, Councilman Green.

424. Hey, used a new marinade on this shish kebab. Want to try it?

425. Yeah, I would, Councilman, but I don't trust politicians

426. (LAUGHS) Grandpa...

427. I lost.

428. Lorraine. Lorraine!

429. Lorraine.

430. Whoa!