Hey Arnold! 5x12

1. Here we go. Arnold.

2. Hey, Arnold!

3. Hey, Arnold!

4. Arnold.

5. Arnold.

6. (SIREN WAILING) Arnold.

7. Arnold.

8. Move it, football head!

9. Hey, Arnold!

10. All right, people, I'm only going to say this once,

11. so listen up.

12. Rhonda, I want you on second base,

13. Harold, you're gonna play catcher.

14. Aw, I hate that stupid catcher's uniform.

15. It makes me all sweaty.

16. Harold, how many times do I have to tell you.

17. It's better to look good than to feel good.

18. Yeah, lard boy, so shut up and quit complaining.

19. All right, where was I?

20. Phoebe, you play left field.

21. Stinko, take the hot corner. Hot corner?

22. What in the heck is that?

23. What Helga is referring to is the third base position,

24. the hot corner is simply a slang term which attempts to elucidate

25. the high volume of balls hit in the general direction...

26. Yeah, what she said, anyway, Geraldo, you're on first.

27. And Sid, you take right field.

28. Right field, boy, howdy, that's the worst position on the whole field.

29. I'm completely insulted.

30. Stop overreacting, Sid and cool out.

31. Lila, you're center field.

32. I'm ever so certain that I just adore center field, Helga.

33. In fact, it's my all-time favorite position.

34. Uh-huh, okay, that just leaves Arnold.

35. Looks like you're shortstop, short man.

36. Hey, where is the football head?

37. I told him practice was at 4:00 sharp.

38. Hey, guys. Nice of you to show up, hair boy.

39. Now get your scrawny butt to shortstop, pronto.

40. Actually, Helga, I just came to say I can't play baseball after all.

41. I forgot that I'm supposed to visit Arnie this weekend.

42. Arnie? You mean your, oh, so interesting and likable

43. country cousin that looks almost exactly like you,

44. only much more attractive?

45. That's one twisted version of the story.

46. No kidding, I mean, no offense, buddy, but have you forgotten

47. how weird things get whenever Arnie's around?

48. It's like a nightmare. Oh, come on, Gerald.

49. He's not that bad. Not that bad?

50. Arnold, the boy collects lint.

51. And he's always counting food instead of eating it.

52. And he talks about gum.

53. And let's not forget that phlegmy snort.

54. Face the music, Arnold, your cousin's just dull as dirt.

55. I'm afraid I have to concur.

56. Okay, so maybe my cousin isn't perfect.

57. And maybe our last visit wasn't great.

58. That doesn't mean things won't be better this time.

59. Anyway, good luck with the game, I'll see you guys in a few days.

60. I think you're the one who's gonna need the luck, my friend.

61. Oh, Arnold, my most lovesome beloved,

62. whatever will I do without seeing your yummy oblong face

63. for two whole days? (SIGHS)

64. All right, batter up.

65. Hi, Arnie.

66. Hey. So, what have you been up to lately?

67. Waiting for you. (SNORTS)

68. Sorry, my bus was a little late.

69. Twenty three minutes, I counted.

70. Anyway, I brought you some of these little packets of peanuts

71. from the bus station vending machine.

72. I know how much you like to read the ingredients.

73. Peanuts, cottonseed oil.

74. Salt. (SNORTS)

75. Let's go.

76. That's my mailbox.

77. And that's my lucky pile of dirt.

78. And this, this is Abigail.

79. So, I take it this must be your house?

80. Yeah, come on.

81. I'll show you my lint ball collection.

82. Great.

83. Hi.

84. Hi. I suppose you must be

85. Arnie's oh, so interesting, likable

86. and attractive city cousin that I've heard oh, so much about.

87. Yeah, I mean, yes.

88. I'm Arnold. I'm Lulu.

89. She's my girlfriend. (SNORTS)

90. I'm gonna show Arnold my lint.

91. I'm oh, too certain that a city boy like Arnold

92. would much rather go about on a jaunt about town

93. than look at your ever so boring lint balls.

94. Am I right, Arnold?

95. I guess. Great, let's go.

96. So, this is our all-time favorite swimming hole.

97. All the kids gather here, in fact I'm, oh, so sure

98. I see our friends Stumpy and Fifi.

99. Gosh, Fifi. I certainly do revere your new maillot.

100. Mayo? What the heck's that means, Stumpy?

101. It's French for bathing suit.

102. Oh.

103. Lulu, are you okay?

104. I'm oh, so certain that I'm just fine,

105. but I'd be a lot better if you'd agree to meet me later,

106. for an ever so private swim.

107. Excuse me? Perhaps around

108. 8:30, when Arnie's asleep.

109. But you're Arnie's girlfriend.

110. And this is our oh, so quaint country store.

111. And look, there's Gerard and Kid.

112. Two more of our ever so colorful classmates.

113. 11 cents? Boy, howdy, that's completely outrageous, it's unacceptable.

114. Quit overreacting, Gerard, and cool out.

115. One, two, three.

116. Now, Arnold, be a dear and get me some of that oh, so delicious-looking

117. apple butter, will you?

118. Sure.

119. Lulu, what are you doing?

120. I'm oh, so certain that I'm tickling your tummy, Arnold.

121. Well, don't. But I can't help it, Arnold, I like you like you.

122. But, what about Arnie? Thirteen, fourteen,

123. fifteen. (SNORTS)

124. Well, here it is, Arnold, our ever so charming country movie theater.

125. Rhoda, you dribbled on your shirt, again.

126. So? So? You look like a giant slob.

127. It's embarrassing. How many times do I have to tell you,

128. Harry, I don't care what I look like.

129. I'm gonna go get some gum. (SNORTS)

130. Plain-flavored gum.

131. Arnold, would you like something ever so sweet as well?

132. Uh, sure.

133. Lulu, what are you doing?

134. I'm certain that I'm trying to kiss you.

135. Kiss me? But you're Arnie's girlfriend

136. and we're nine.

137. Oh, Arnold, I'm sure that you're just oh, too square.

138. That's it, I gotta go get some air.

139. Oh, most luminous orb in the indigo sky,

140. looketh you upon my ideal guy?

141. Oh, all-knowing lunar sphere,

142. taunting from above.

143. Wilst thou never guide me to my one true love?

144. Oof!

145. Hi. Hello.

146. Do I know you? I don't think so.

147. I'm Arnold. Hilda, nice to meet you.

148. Sorry I knocked you over.

149. Ah, it's not your fault, I was the one sitting on the ground, after all.

150. Yeah, what were you doing exactly?

151. Oh, you know, just reciting some poetry.

152. I was gonna see a movie, but then I noticed the moon here

153. and decided that I'd rather watch it instead.

154. It's just so inspiring, don't you think?

155. Yeah.

156. Judging by how fast you were running away from the theater,

157. I'd say I made the right choice.

158. Actually, it wasn't the movie I was running away from.

159. It's my cousin's girlfriend.

160. She's completely crazy, she just tried to kiss me.

161. Did you get your air?

162. Hey, Arnie, I mean, yes, I did get my air

163. and well, then I met Hilda here,

164. and we've been talking and I just figured you and Lulu might want

165. some time alone, so...

166. I didn't hurry back.

167. But now he's ready to go back inside and I'm gonna go with him.

168. What about the moon? Oh, forget about it.

169. I suddenly have a whole new inspiration.

170. Cut it out. (GIGGLES)

171. So, Hilda, would you like an ice cream nugget?

172. Hmm.

173. Oh, I mean, sure, Arnold.

174. You, uh, want another one?

175. Actually, Arnold, I think it's a little too cold for ice cream.

176. In fact, I think, I'm gonna move over there.

177. You know, where the air conditioning can't blow on me.

178. So, whatever should we do next?

179. Actually, I was thinking I'd head back to Arnie's and turn in early.

180. Hilda, do you want me to walk you home?

181. Home? But it's still early, Arnold.

182. The night is young. (SNORTS)

183. Let's go on a hayride.

184. Oh, please.

185. (SIGHS) Hey, look, a daisy.

186. Here, Hilda. Thanks, Arnold, it's beautiful.

187. Only I'm kind of allergic to flowers.

188. Why don't you take it, Arnie, it'll match your hair.

189. Thanks.

190. Stop it, Lulu, I know you did that on purpose. (SNORING)

191. Hey, you got a little straw on your hair, let me get it for you.

192. Uh, don't be silly, Arnold, you'll wake up Lulu.

193. I'll just have Arnie here take care of it for me.

194. Okay.

195. Well, thanks, Arnold, I had a really great time.

196. Actually, I don't think I ever had so much fun with a guy before.

197. I'm so glad you said that, Hilda,

198. I mean, after the air conditioning being too cold.

199. And well, you being allergic to the flower I gave you.

200. And the whole Lulu falling asleep on me thing.

201. I wasn't sure how things were going.

202. But now that I know how you feel,

203. I might as well just come out with it.

204. I've never met anyone like you, Hilda,

205. and I really like you a lot.

206. Uh, actually, Arnold.

207. The guy I was talking about was Arnie.

208. Arnie? Well, yeah.

209. He's interesting and likable and attractive.

210. I couldn't help but go all goofy for him.

211. I realize why you came here, Arnold.

212. It's so you could steal my girl,

213. and now, now, you're gonna pay for it.

214. (CHANTING) Fight, fight, fight.

215. Fight, fight, fight.

216. (CHANTING) Fight, fight, fight.

217. I wonder what day it is?

218. Okay people, listen up, we're short a shortstop today, so...

219. Helga?

220. Arnold?

221. I mean, what are you doing here, football head?

222. I thought you were supposed to be visiting your lame-o cousin Arnie.

223. Wow, Helga, it really is you.

224. Well, d'oy, of course, it's me, hair boy.

225. Whomever did you think she was, Arnold?

226. Lila, do you like me, like me? Or do you just like me?

227. Well, I'm certain that I just like you, Arnold.

228. Right, I mean, that's good to hear.

229. Arnold, I can't help but notice you're acting a little eccentric.

230. Ex-centric? What in the heck's that mean?

231. It means weird, and that's a major understatement.

232. I mean, the boy is wearing pajamas, for heaven's sake.

233. And look, they have little bears on 'em.

234. Boy, howdy, talk about embarrassing.

235. Uh, Arnold, what's going on? What's wrong with you, buddy?

236. Nothing's wrong, Gerald, everything's great.

237. And I'm really, really glad to be home.

238. All right.

239. Look at him, look at all those wrappers.

240. He's like a hungry dog, he'll eat anything.

241. Not anything, idiot.

242. Just any kind of chocolate.

243. Yo, Chocolate Boy.

244. You want some more chocolate?

245. Yeah, I want more chocolate, yeah, yeah.

246. If you want a chocolate bar, you have to hop up and down.

247. On one foot.

248. Now, run around and bark like a dog.

249. Go. (BARKING)

250. (BOTH LAUGHING) Good doggie.

251. I have another idea. (WHISPERING)

252. Ah, good one.

253. Now, Chocolate Boy, listen up, I got a 10-pound bag

254. of chocolate at home.

255. Ooh, 10 pounds? 10 pounds of chocolate?

256. Yeah, and I'll give you that chocolate.

257. Give me it, you have to give me it.

258. But first, you have to go two weeks without eating any chocolate.

259. No chocolate? None? Two weeks?

260. Right, but then, 10 pounds of chocolate.

261. Imagine him with no chocolate, Wolfgang.

262. He'll lose his mind, he'll tear his eyes out.

263. He can't do it. I'll do it.

264. Hey, Mickey, get over here.

265. I got a job for you, you tail Chocolate Boy,

266. make sure he doesn't eat any chocolate, none at all

267. for two weeks, got it?

268. Now get out of here, no chocolate.

269. Oh, and Mickey, our usual fee.

270. You wanna stop eating chocolate?

271. Yeah, I really do, I need to get off chocolate,

272. no more chocolate. But that's what you do, you eat chocolate,

273. that's your name, Chocolate Boy.

274. I know, I know, but I need to get off chocolate.

275. No more chocolate for two weeks.

276. You're always helping people, Arnold, will you help me?

277. Cure Chocolate Boy? Arnold, Arnold, Arnold.

278. I know you've done some miraculous things in the past,

279. helped Pigeon Man and Stoop Kid,

280. found Mr. Hyunh's daughter,

281. saved Mighty Pete

282. and freed that turtle from the aquarium.

283. Saved the boarding house, and settled the teacher's strike.

284. I mean, that's quite a resume.

285. But get real, you can never get Chocolate Boy off chocolate.

286. It'd be easier to push a 2000-pound boulder up an icy mountain.

287. Or teach a goldfish how to play the clarinet.

288. Or fry an egg on the sidewalk on a hot summer day.

289. Actually, Sid, that is possible.

290. Look, I know it sounds crazy, but it really seems like Chocolate Boy

291. wants to give it a try.

292. You're a bold kid, Arnold.

293. A bold kid.

294. Or how about trying to make a cake

295. on a raft in a river during a hail storm?

296. The show's over, Sid.

297. Come on, Chocolate Boy.

298. You have to give up all your chocolate.

299. Yeah, that's all of it.

300. I forgot that one.

301. Chocolate, chocolate.

302. Two days without chocolate.

303. Hi, chocolate, come to me, chocolate.

304. Chocolate Boy, are you okay?

305. I'm fine, I'm very tired, I'm very... Chocolate.

306. How long has he been off chocolate?

307. Six days. Water, it's real good and cold.

308. I saw a funny TV show last night,

309. a man was cutting a watermelon wearing a hat

310. and he fell and kept on falling,

311. and at dinner, my dad told me about his first pet dog,

312. named Sporty. I'm trying not to think about chocolate.

313. Six days, huh? And eight to go.

314. Look at these ants, they're so happy in a line.

315. Little ants in a line. Little chocolate ants in a little chocolate line.

316. Willikers! He's... He's... He's licking ants!

317. How many days?

318. Ten and four to go.

319. Two weeks, I did it.

320. Fourteen days.

321. Congratulations, you did it.

322. Yeah, yeah, two weeks, no chocolate.

323. Have you seen Wolfgang?

324. I never thought you could do it.

325. How about some chocolate, Chocolate Boy?

326. Chocolate. You're not going

327. to break him down, Wolfgang.

328. He's a changed kid.

329. Here you go, Chocolate Boy, you won the bet fair and square.

330. What bet? What's going on?

331. Didn't he tell you? I bet him if he didn't eat any chocolate for two weeks,

332. I'd give him a 10-pound bag.

333. You really showed him.

334. I can't believe you.

335. I followed you around for two weeks,

336. just because of a bet? Yeah, yeah, two weeks, no chocolate.

337. But I thought you really wanted to quit.

338. Uh, I'm sorry, Arnold, I gotta go.

339. Well, win some, lose some, buddy.

340. Yeah, but I really thought he wanted to change.

341. What? Finished already?

342. You're pathetic. Yeah, yeah, need more chocolate, yeah.

343. I'll give you more chocolate, but first, you have to do a little dance for us.

344. Okay.

345. Dance. Dance. Dance.

346. (ALL CHANTING) Dance.

347. (LAUGHS) Look at him.

348. Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate.

349. Arnold, I need your help, I need to get off chocolate.

350. No more chocolate. You realize, Chocolate Boy,

351. that we had this conversation once before.

352. I know, but I'm serious this time,

353. I need to get off chocolate, I mean,

354. dancing for malted milk balls and digging in dumpsters.

355. I'm like a clown, a chocolate clown.

356. Will you help me, please?

357. Well, you didn't bet Wolfgang, did you?

358. Some of this may be hard to watch.

359. Ready? Ready.

360. Sorry you had to see that.

361. So, how does it make you feel?

362. Makes me feel... It makes me feel...

363. Like chocolate.

364. I feel like eating lots and lots of chocolate.

365. Boy, it's hot in here. Why are we doing this?

366. You need to sweat all the chocolate out of you.

367. And make you pure to start a new life free from domination

368. by your obsessive fixation.

369. I don't know what that means, but it's really hot in here.

370. Listen, your obsession with chocolate is unhealthy,

371. and if we work together, you can be free of your need.

372. Yeah, so how long do I have to be in here?

373. Now that you've sweated all the chocolate out of your system.

374. How do you feel? I feel great.

375. Full of energy and good thoughts and boy,

376. could I use some chocolate now.

377. Do you have any chocolate? (SIGHS)

378. I thought you could try a chocolate substitute,

379. it's called carob, it's from a tree.

380. Hey, it's not bad, it almost tastes like chocolate.

381. Yep, you can eat all you want.

382. (SIGHS) Okay.

383. So, you're allergic to carob.

384. We'll just have to try something else.

385. So, got anything else?

386. Well, there's these radishes.

387. Hmm, these are okay.

388. They're pretty good but they make me think about chocolate.

389. All right, I guess we're really going to have to get serious

390. about this.

391. Come on, Chocolate Boy.

392. Okay, if we're going to get you off chocolate,

393. we have to figure out why you're so obsessed with it.

394. This is a watch, I want you to watch it.

395. It goes back and forth.

396. Watch the watch.

397. Concentrate.

398. Do you like chocolate? Yes.

399. Did you like chocolate when you were a little kid? Yes.

400. Who gave you chocolate? Your mom? Yes... No.

401. No, no, she didn't. Your dad?

402. No, no, he didn't, they said it was bad for me.

403. So who gave you chocolate?

404. My nanny, she gave me chocolate.

405. Did you like your nanny? I loved my nanny.

406. And she loved me, she took care of me real good.

407. But then one day, I came home from preschool and she was leaving.

408. She said she had to go far, far away to a foreign land

409. called Delaware.

410. She said, "Goodbye, be good and be happy."

411. Then she left and then I went up to my room and ate chocolate.

412. A lot of chocolate.

413. So, it sounds like the reason you eat chocolate

414. is because you miss your nanny. Yes.

415. Yes, (SOBS) I miss my nanny.

416. I miss my nanny.

417. (SNIFFS) It's okay that you miss your nanny.

418. But eating chocolate is not going to bring her back.

419. I know, I know.

420. She told you to be good and to be happy.

421. What would your nanny think if she saw you now eating chocolate

422. out of dumpsters?

423. And dancing for malted milk balls?

424. She wouldn't like it, 'cause I'm not being good and I'm not happy.

425. You can be happy if you stop eating chocolate.

426. I'm telling you this 'cause I'm your friend.

427. Do it for your nanny.

428. I can be good. You can be happy.

429. I can be happy. You don't need chocolate.

430. I don't need chocolate.

431. You're free. I'm free.

432. I'm free, free of chocolate. (LAUGHS) Yeah.

433. I'm free.

434. No more chocolate.

435. That's right, I heard Chocolate Boy is done eating chocolate.

436. Done forever. I can't believe it.

437. Is it true, Arnold?

438. Ask him yourself.

439. Is it true, Chocolate Boy? About you not eating chocolate ever again?

440. Yup, no more chocolate, I'm free of my chocolate habit.

441. What are you talking about? Your name's Chocolate Boy.

442. Now eat chocolate. No, no, I don't want chocolate.

443. Whoa, Chocolate Boy doesn't want chocolate?

444. Pinch me, I'm dreaming.

445. Well, I guess miracles can come true.

446. Arnold, I really, really want to thank you for helping me.

447. No problem, uh, Chocolate Boy.

448. You seem to really like those radishes.

449. Yeah, I really like 'em a lot.

450. A real lot. How many have you eaten today?

451. Only about two or 300.

452. Maybe I should hold on to those for you.

453. No, no, I need these, I gotta go, Arnold.