Hey Arnold! 4x5

1. Here we go. Arnold!

2. Hey, Arnold!

3. Hey, Arnold!

4. Arnold.

5. Arnold.

6. (SIREN WAILING) Arnold.

7. Arnold.

8. Move it, football head!

9. Hey, Arnold!

10. And the fourth place prize

11. in our fight for peace charity raffle

12. goes to Marcy Cornbloom. (CHEERING)

13. Free dry cleaning for a month

14. from Dirty-no-more dry cleaners.

15. Wow, Lila, you have so many hobbies.

16. I'm learning oh-so much about opera,

17. and also fine art, but I must confess,

18. I'm especially fond of ballet.

19. Ballet? Why, yes, Arnold.

20. I've been taking lessons for two years now.

21. I enjoy it so much that, well,

22. I suppose you could say I've practically fallen in love.

23. That's great, Lila.

24. I hope one day, if I practice hard enough,

25. perhaps I'll become a famous ballerina.

26. Wow, Lila. Ballet and opera, you're so sophisticated.

27. I'm really impressed.

28. (SCOFFS) What does he see in her? All she is,

29. is pretty, smart, funny and the nicest girl in school. Big deal.

30. And now he's all impressed because she's sophisticated.

31. Anybody can be sophisticated. I can be sophisticated.

32. If Arnold wants sophisticated,

33. then I'll show him sophisticated.

34. (EXHALES SHARPLY) All I gotta do is come up with a plan.

35. Hi, Helga. Want to see my cockroach collection?

36. I have 27 classifications.

37. No, I do not want to see your cockroaches, Nadine.

38. Now, beat it!

39. And the third prize winner is Helga Pataki.

40. It's a coupon for a free dinner for four at Chez Peirre.

41. Congratulations, Helga. Thanks.

42. Dinner for four in some fancy-shmancy French joint.

43. Just what I need. (SCOFFS)

44. Wait a minute. This is just what I need.

45. It's the perfect way to impress Arnold,

46. and make him think I'm sophisticated.

47. I'll get him and a couple of carefully picked stooges to come with me.

48. I'll order all the right food,

49. make witty chit-chat with the waiter,

50. and then, I'll pick up the check and look like a real sport.

51. Arnold will think I'm the most

52. sophisticated person he's ever met.

53. Even more sophisticated than Lila.

54. (SLIGHT CHUCKLE) Yeah, what a great plan.

55. Now, all I have to do is find a way to invite Arnold

56. without actually having to invite him myself.

57. Phoebe, you're coming to dinner with me on Saturday night.

58. Five o'clock at a fancy French restaurant. I am?

59. And you're gonna invite Gerald, and then, ask Gerald

60. to invite a friend, see?

61. So, just you, me, Helga,

62. and whoever you'd like to invite to come along, like, say your best friend?

63. I'm gonna order some of that old moldy runny cheese

64. those French people like so much.

65. Why would you want to eat old moldy runny cheese?

66. Man, I'm not gonna eat it, I just want to look at it.

67. All right, I'll go.

68. But it's weird. I just can't see Helga in a fancy restaurant.

69. I mean, she's just never seemed that sophisticated.

70. Now Lila is really sophisticated.

71. Oh, yeah? I'll show you sophisticated, bucko!

72. Do not be intimidated by cutlery.

73. Forks on the left, knives on the right.

74. Spoons on the right to the right of the knives.

75. Uh, salad fork, dinner fork, butter knife, steak knife.

76. And remember to laugh engagingly.

77. Snap your linen napkin

78. before placing it in your lap.

79. Then, turn casually to your dining companions and say

80. "Lovely little bistro, n'est-ce pas?"

81. Lovely little bistro, n'est-ce pas?

82. Very good. Now you are becoming sophisticated.

83. (CHUCKLES) This fancy stuff's a piece of cake.

84. Just wait until Saturday night.

85. (CHUCKLES) Oh, that's droll. That's just ever so droll.

86. Henry, merci. The pate de foie gras was excellent as usual.

87. Merci, mademoiselle.

88. And, of course, dinner's on me tonight, naturellement.

89. Helga, I dare say, you're so witty and sophisticated.

90. I must say I... Well, frankly, I've fallen madly in love with you.

91. And I, you.

92. It's gonna be perfect.

93. Ah, oui, mademoiselle, your table is ready.

94. Merci.

95. Um, the whole menu's in French. Do you think they have an English version?

96. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Oh, Arnold, you're so droll.

97. Just ever so droll. I am?

98. I guess you're not used to sophisticated dining like I am.

99. Why don't I order for all of us?

100. Garcon! Ah, oui, mademoiselle.

101. Oh, there you are.

102. I am Jacques, your waiter.

103. How may I serve you tonight?

104. Jacques, we'll start with the Escargot

105. and pate de foie gras. Vichyssoise, of course.

106. Of course.

107. Two orders of Coq au vin,

108. Bouef Bourguignon,

109. Duck a l'orange.

110. And some of that old smelly runny cheese

111. all you French people seem to like so much.

112. Yes.

113. And, of course, Pyrenees spring water for the table.

114. Excellent, mademoiselle.

115. Lovely little bistro, n'est-ce pas?

116. (SNIFFS) Ah! Smell it, Arnold.

117. I don't want to.

118. Come on, Arnold. Smell it. Smell the cheese.

119. (SIGHS AND SNIFFS) Ugh!

120. And you just smelled it.

121. These French people actually eat the stuff.

122. Oh, Phoebe, what are you doing?

123. You've confused your butter knife for your steak knife.

124. Here, this is the proper knife to use.

125. (CHUCKLES) Arnold, you're staring.

126. What's the matter?

127. Nothing. It's just that I've never seen you like this.

128. Like what?

129. Like so... So different. So...

130. Sophisticated? Well, yeah.

131. (CHUCKLES) I've always been sophisticated.

132. You probably just never noticed.

133. I go to fancy restaurants, and the ballet,

134. and opera, and junk like that all the time.

135. Well, I guess maybe I didn't notice.

136. But now that I know how sophisticated you are, I...

137. Yes, Arnold?

138. I'd have to say that, well, that...

139. Well, that I'm impressed.

140. You're impressed?

141. And, of course, dinner's on me tonight, naturellement.

142. Chez Peirre. Chez Paris? (GASPS)

143. Helga, is something wrong?

144. Phoebe, can I see you for a moment in the powder room?

145. The wrong restaurant? Well, Helga, I suppose the best thing to do

146. would be to tell the management the truth.

147. That is the stupidest idea I have ever heard

148. in my entire life!

149. No, Phoebe. We've got to come up with a plan to get out of paying.

150. But, Helga... I just need some time to think.

151. I know. We'll stall. We'll order more food, lots more food.

152. But isn't that just exacerbating the problem?

153. A couple of orders of Cervelle braisee a brule,

154. four chocolate mousses, and bring some more pate de foie grais.

155. Of course, mademoiselle.

156. You have big appetite tonight.

157. You got it, Jacques.

158. Helga, I'm really full.

159. I don't think I could eat another bite.

160. You'll eat it and like it, Arnold.

161. Nadine, it's Helga. I need a favor.

162. I want you to bring one of your cockroaches to Chez Paris

163. and him loose in the restaurant.

164. I don't care what classification of cockroach.

165. Just the biggest, hairiest, ugliest one you've got and let him loose.

166. (CHUCKLES) Excellent.

167. Our problems are over.

168. Madamoiselle, I am beginning to suspect

169. that you don't have any money to pay the bill,

170. and that you are attempting to get out of paying for your meal.

171. Don't have any money? That is ridiculous!

172. How dare you? Don't you know who I am?

173. I'm Helga Van Buuren, granddaughter of Helmet Van Buuren,

174. the richest man in the city.

175. I am terribly sorry. I did not know.

176. Oh, well, now you know, don't you?

177. Please, allow me to bring a beautiful chocolate mousse cake

178. as a token of my sincerest apology.

179. What was that about?

180. Yeah, and who's Helga Van Buuren?

181. Oh, just a name I use so I could get the very best table.

182. When you're as sophisticated as I am,

183. that's the kind of thing you do.

184. If I eat one more bite, I swear I'm blowing chunks.

185. Where in the heck is Nadine?

186. Mademoiselle, I just had an interesting phone conversation.

187. Mr. Helmet Van Buuren called to make a reservation for tomorrow night,

188. and when I mentioned that we had the pleasure

189. of serving his granddaughter here tonight,

190. he informed me that was impossible.

191. Apparently, Mr. Van Buuren's only granddaughter

192. is in Switzerland on holiday.

193. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Oh, well, what do you know about that.

194. Helga, what's going on?

195. I'm afraid, under the circumstances,

196. I had no choice but to call the authorities.

197. (NERVOUSLY) Oh. Authorities?

198. Well, there's clearly no need for that.

199. Too late.

200. What's the problem here?

201. This young lady has ordered a very large dinner for four

202. and she refuses to pay the bill.

203. This place is full of cockroaches,

204. I'm gonna have to shut you down.

205. Miss, if I were you, I'd refuse to pay the bill.

206. Whatever you say, Officer.

207. Sorry, I was late, Helga. I didn't know

208. which classification of cockroach you wanted me to bring.

209. Wait a minute, Helga.

210. Did you get Nadine to let her cockroaches loose in the restaurant,

211. so you wouldn't have to pay?

212. Okay, yeah, I did.

213. So what's the big deal?

214. The big deal is you snuck out of paying for dinner

215. and you got the restaurant closed down for no reason.

216. What's your point? Helga,

217. I think we should go back in there

218. and you should tell him the truth.

219. Arnold's right, Helga.

220. Ugh, look, I am not gonna go in there

221. and tell them the truth and wind up washing dishes.

222. I can't believe I told them the truth

223. and I wound up washing dishes.

224. Come on. Don't you feel better that you did the right thing?

225. No. Not really. I think you do.

226. No, I don't, Arnold.

227. No, Helga, I think what you did is pretty sophisticated.

228. Really? Yeah.

229. Oh, just shut up and rinse.

230. Class, please join me in congratulating Phoebe

231. for her outstanding commentary on genetic engineering

232. entitled "Cloning: Why two heads are better than one."

233. An A plus. Thoroughly researched piece of work, Phoebe.

234. Thank you. (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

235. Come on, Pheebs, get the lead out.

236. Oh, hurrying.

237. Actually, Pheobe, if you have a moment

238. I'd like to have a private word with you.

239. (SIGHS) All right. But make it snappy.

240. We've got important stuff to do.

241. Right, Helga. I'll meet you at the video arcade in ten minutes.

242. Make it five. And don't forget the quarters.

243. You see, Phoebe, a review of your scholastic records has revealed

244. that you are no longer being academically challenged

245. by the current fourth grade curriculum.

246. I'm not? No,

247. Pheobe, in fact, because of your exceptionally high grades

248. it has been recommended that you consider a promotion

249. to the sixth grade. The sixth grade?

250. Yeah. I realize that skipping two grades is highly unusual,

251. but it would be on a trial basis only.

252. And, of course, you'll need your parents' permission.

253. It sounds like a very interesting proposition, Mr. Simmons.

254. Of course, I'll need some time to think it over.

255. I get to go to the sixth grade!

256. I get to go to the sixth grade!

257. I get to be surrounded by the greatest minds of PS 118.

258. Oh, I can't wait to tell Helga.

259. The sixth grade? You're leaving?

260. Not leaving. Just moving on to a new classroom.

261. Where I'll face fresh academic challenges.

262. Just think about it, Phoebe.

263. You in the sixth grade? Get real.

264. You wouldn't last a day.

265. You'd be eaten alive, chewed up and spit back out.

266. (SCOFFS) Man, talk about a stupid idea.

267. Now, let's go. I need you to distract Rhonda

268. while I cut the designer tags out of her new sweater.

269. I think that perhaps you're just jealous, Helga.

270. (LAUGHS) Me? Jealous? Of what?

271. Of all the new and exciting friends I'm going to make.

272. You've got to be kidding. No, Helga, I'm quite serious.

273. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that

274. you're afraid. Afraid that once I'm gone,

275. you won't be able to find someone else to kick around.

276. Oh, really? Is that what you think?

277. Well, I've got a newsflash for you, smartypants.

278. These halls are crawling with pathetic saps

279. who'd jump at the chance to be my new sidekick.

280. Take a look around.

281. If I wanted to replace you, I can do it like that!

282. And one more thing, Phoebe.

283. As far as your new and exciting friends are concerned,

284. I wouldn't hold my breath.

285. Okay then, fine.

286. Yeah, fine! Go then!

287. Okay. Time to find a new patsy.

288. (CLEARS THROAT) Hey, Lila.

289. Why don't you have a seat in this empty chair over here?

290. Why, Helga, that's ever so sweet.

291. Helga seems to be adjusting well.

292. I wonder how Phoebe is making out.

293. Hello, I'm Phoebe Heyerdahl,

294. and I've just been promoted from the fourth grade.

295. I suppose you think that makes you special or somethin'.

296. Grab a seat.

297. Well, well, girls,

298. looks like we got ourselves a new fish.

299. Yeah, I heard about her.

300. She's supposed to be some kind of genius or somethin'.

301. Well, she better not be too smart,

302. or we won't be able to take advantage of her.

303. Hi, Phoebe. I'm Maria.

304. This here is Connie. Hi.

305. That's Cookie. And over there's Simone. Hi.

306. Fourth grade, huh?

307. Sheesh, you must be real smart.

308. Yeah. And stylish.

309. I mean, monochromatic?

310. That is way cool.

311. Gum, Phoebe?

312. Only two and a half calories a stick.

313. Oh, that would be delightful.

314. Uh, I mean, cool.

315. Now, remember, Lila, all you have to do is snip the tags

316. when she's not looking. Gosh, I don't know, Helga.

317. It seems, well, ever so mean.

318. Are you kidding? Rhonda's got a great sense of humor.

319. Trust me, it'll be a scream.

320. Now, which one of you special people

321. is gonna grace me with your presence

322. up here at the black board? How about you, Maria?

323. Gosh, I'd love to, sir. I really would.

324. Only, I think Phoebe had her hand up first.

325. Whoever. I just need a body.

326. She asked you to do what, to my caprini cardigans?

327. Snip the tags out.

328. Lila, what are you doing?

329. You're not supposed to ask her.

330. I just didn't feel right about destroying Rhonda's personal property

331. without getting her permission first.

332. It seemed, well, ever so wrong.

333. Yeah, well, guess what? You're ever so fired!

334. Hey, Phoebe, I was wondering if you could do me a little favor.

335. A favor?

336. Yeah. You see, my mother wrote me this excuse

337. to get me out of gym class

338. on account of how I ain't gonna be feeling so hot this week.

339. Only she was in a rush and forgot to sign it.

340. Gee, how unfortunate. Yeah.

341. But what can I do?

342. Well, I was thinkin' you could just sign her name for me.

343. I mean, you did win the fourth grade penmanship award, didn't you?

344. Well, yes, I guess I did.

345. Well?

346. (STUTTERS) Okay. I suppose there's no harm in it.

347. Okay, Nadine. If you want to be my sidekick

348. there's one simple rule you're gonna have to follow.

349. I talk, you write. Think you can handle that?

350. No way, Helga!

351. Uh-uh. Nadine belongs to me. (HAROLD GROANS)

352. She's my sidekick, so, hands off.

353. Criminy, I'm running out of stooges.

354. Oh, no. Tell me this isn't happening.

355. You girls are gonna kill me.

356. What's the matter, Simone?

357. Well, today's my day to buy lunch for the girls.

358. Only I forgot my money at home.

359. Now what are we gonna do?

360. Well, I guess I could pay today.

361. I had more, but I already lent $5 to cookie,

362. so she could pay her overdue library fine.

363. Thanks, Phoebe.

364. You're a real life-saver.

365. Yeah, we'll have to make it up to you.

366. Hey, I know.

367. How about you join us tonight for a study party, Phoebe?

368. Study party?

369. Yeah, it's when we all get together at my place

370. and, uh, do our homework. What do you say?

371. Oh, gosh, I'd love to.

372. Sheena, what is this junk? Where's my burger?

373. Where's my double chocolate milk with the two bendy straws?

374. But the health food plate is much more binding.

375. I don't need binding, Sheena.

376. It's okay, Helga.

377. I know all about your gastrointestinal disorder.

378. What with your constant trips to the bathroom and all.

379. That's it, Granola girl! You're dismissed!

380. And take this health crap with you!

381. Hey, girls. Ready to hit the books?

382. Actually, Phoebe, we had a better idea.

383. Yeah, we were thinking it just seems really silly

384. for all five of us to work on separate assignments.

385. And since you're the smartest,

386. well, we figured that you could just as easily do the homework for all of us.

387. We totally trust you.

388. Oh, you mean, you want me to do your homework?

389. Come on, Pheebs, what's the problem?

390. You want to be one of us, don't you?

391. Sure, of course. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

392. All for one and one for all, right?

393. That's it, Bailey, I've had enough of this stuff.

394. I don't want you see Shannon no more.

395. Charlie, you can't do this to me.

396. I love her.

397. Besides, I know what you did last summer.

398. Who do you guys think is cuter, Bailey or Charlie?

399. Definitely Bailey.

400. Charlie's got that doofy beard.

401. Hey, Phoebe, how's it going over there?

402. Fine.

403. Hey, and don't forget to use the pink pen on Cookie's homework.

404. And not too many adjectives, she hates adjectives.

405. Hey, Phoebe, the girls and I were just sayin'

406. what a great time we had at the study party last night.

407. Weren't we, ladies?

408. In fact, we'd love to do it again real soon.

409. How about tonight? Tonight?

410. Uh, tonight might be difficult.

411. I, uh, have a hair appointment. Sorry.

412. Hi. I'm Siobhan Truce.

413. And I've just been promoted from the third grade.

414. New fish.

415. Third grade, huh?

416. She must the smartest girl in the whole freakin' school.

417. Hey, girls, room for one more?

418. Actually, Phoebe, this table's full.

419. Full? Sorry, Phoebe.

420. It's just we're no longer in need of your services.

421. My services? But I thought we were friends.

422. Yeah, right.

423. So, anyway, Siobhan, the girls and I

424. were wondering if you wanted to come

425. to our study party after school. Study party?

426. Hi, Helga. How's the sidekick search going?

427. Arnold. Ooh! I mean, uh, the sidekick search, it's going great.

428. As a matter of fact, I've got a couple of candidates

429. waiting for me in my office right now.

430. Not that it's any of your business, football head.

431. Oh, who am I kidding? I'll never be able to replace her.

432. Oh, if only I had supported her in her moment of distinction

433. instead of selfishly assailing her with cruel words.

434. If only I had regarded her more as an equal

435. instead of treating her like some kind of pathetic subordinate.

436. If only my humble repents could somehow reach her tiny ears.

437. Helga. Phoebe!

438. I couldn't help but overhear what you were saying.

439. (STUTTERING) Oh. That. I was just, uh,

440. practicing for this, uh, play. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

441. I'm sorry, too, Helga.

442. I suppose I should've considered your feelings before abandoning you.

443. (SOBBING) Oh, Helga, it was awful.

444. They took complete advantage of me.

445. I feel so used.

446. You were right.

447. Going to the sixth grade was a stupid idea.

448. I made a total fool out of myself.

449. So, I've decided to go back to the fourth grade.

450. Come on, Pheebs, just because it didn't work out

451. doesn't mean it was stupid. It was smart.

452. You're smart.

453. I was the stupid one for thinking I could ever replace you.

454. You mean it, Helga? Of course, Phoebe.

455. I mean, you're more than just my sidekick,

456. you're my best friend.

457. I guess I forgot that.

458. Thanks, Helga. You're my best friend, too.

459. And so I gave them all my money.

460. Then they coerced me into doing their homework for them.

461. Criminy. All right, Pheebs. Looks like I'm gonna be needing a few things.

462. Box of thumbtacks, a ball of string and a watermelon.

463. How about a pack of trick gum?

464. Good idea, Phoebe. Write that one down.

465. Writing.