Hey Arnold! 4x18

1. They'll find him. He's a tough, old bird.

2. He won't go down without a fight.

3. I bet you two dollars he's dead.

4. What's going on?

5. It's about Dino. Dino?

6. There was an accident, short man.

7. (ON TV) Ted, as daylight fades on the Sound,

8. so do the last lingering hopes of rescue workers,

9. friends and fans that aging singer, Dino Spumoni,

10. might still be found alive.

11. Oh, no.

12. Spumoni remains missing after reportedly falling overboard

13. during an outing on his yacht early this morning.

14. As we await word on his fate,

15. let's take a look back at the singer's career.

16. The 67-year-old crooner rose to tremendous popularity

17. in the '50s and early '60s.

18. Topping the charts with such hits as

19. "You Better Not Touch My Gal."

20. A member of the notorious Rat Pack,

21. Spumoni also had numerous run-ins with the police.

22. After serving five days in jail

23. in 1965 for assaulting a photographer,

24. the singer was philosophical.

25. Dino!

26. It was the worst joint I ever stayed at.

27. Outside of Pittsburgh.

28. But in all seriousness,

29. I learned my lesson.

30. You won't see Dino going around

31. punching out photographers anymore.

32. In the mid 60s, despite the growing popularity

33. of rock n' roll and so-called psychedelic music,

34. Spumoni tried to stay on the charts

35. by adapting his style to the times.

36. Trippin' with Dino

37. failed to attract many young fans

38. and turned off some of his loyal older supporters.

39. Nevertheless, Spumoni continued to live the good life.

40. A favorite of the rich and famous,

41. he was also a frequent guest at the White House,

42. where he reportedly had the ear of the president.

43. Hey, Lyndon! I got your ear.

44. (CHUCKLING) Cut that out.

45. Let go, you big Italian nutjob.

46. Sick him, Yuki.

47. After his third marriage ended in the mid '70s

48. and his record and concert sales began a steady decline,

49. Spumoni struggled to keep his failing career afloat.

50. Duets in the '80s with Run-DMC, Guns N' Roses

51. and Tiffany gave the singer momentary boosts.

52. But in recent years,

53. Spumoni's career has bottomed out.

54. The singer's personal life has fared no better.

55. His fifth marriage to beautician Candy Maldonado

56. ended in divorce just six months ago.

57. But while others abandon the one-time pop star,

58. one man stood by him, Don Reynolds,

59. his long-time songwriting partner and devoted friend.

60. I always hated him.

61. He's a selfish, lowlife ingrate.

62. I hope he's dead.

63. And now, as I read this report just handed to me

64. the coast guard has officially called off the search,

65. confirming what has been all but a foregone conclusion.

66. Dino Spumoni, American entertainer,

67. legend and petty criminal,

68. is dead at the age of 67.

69. I can't believe... (OSKAR LAUGHING)

70. I win the bet!

71. You owe me two dollars.

72. He was a great singer.

73. A giant.

74. And finally, there's late word that a note has been found

75. believed to have been written by Spumoni only last night.

76. It reads, "I got nothing left.

77. "My career is a bust and so is my personal life.

78. "I took my best shot,

79. "but in the end, it all came to nothing.

80. "So now that I'm all alone and washed up,

81. "I might as well say, Sayonara, baby."

82. The note is signed simply, "Dino."

83. Back to you, Ted.

84. It's just so sad.

85. Yeah, I know. But these things happen.

86. It's all part of the great mystery of life.

87. Can we go to the funeral?

88. Well, of course, we can go to the funeral, short man.

89. It would be wrong not to go.

90. After all, Dino started his career

91. right here in the boarding house.

92. We all knew and loved him.

93. Plus, there's bound to be lots and lots of free food!

94. Oh, boy. I hope there's shrimp cocktail.

95. Grandpa, remember.

96. Don't make any jokes.

97. Everyone's here to pay their respects

98. and talk about how much they liked and cared about him.

99. You got it.

100. What can you say about a guy like Dino?

101. He was a mean, bitter, selfish,

102. arrogant, back-stabbing and nasty human being.

103. But, Dino had another side to him.

104. He was also a sniveling coward.

105. I think youse all know me, Candy Maldonado Spumoni,

106. Dino's last ex.

107. Dino and I had two really great years together.

108. Then we got married.

109. Then after that we got divorced,

110. and I made a whole pile of money.

111. Anyways, we had our good times.

112. And even though he was gone a lot out on the road,

113. he wasn't a bad guy.

114. Oh, yeah, and he was really okay

115. with my wonderful son, Jimmy.

116. Jimmy really loved Dino.

117. Can we go now?

118. (YELLING) In a minute!

119. In conclusion, it's real sad

120. about Dino's untimely passing.

121. But I know he's looking down on us now

122. from a beautiful cloud up in heaven.

123. Okay, that's it.

124. Everybody is invited back to the house to eat.

125. Hotdog, I knew it!

126. Shrimp cocktail!

127. Oh, sweet Jiminy. Mm.

128. Who's in heaven now?

129. Grandpa? Arnold, look, shrimp cocktail.

130. Dino's lawyer just invited me to the reading of his will.

131. Maybe Dino left you something,

132. like an ashtray or a lawn gnome.

133. I guess it might be nice to have something to remember him by.

134. Yeah, it will.

135. Especially if it's a lawn gnome, now try this shrimp, Arnold.

136. No, thanks, Grandpa.

137. Oh, come on. It's good!

138. "As for my remaining paintings

139. "and other assorted collectibles,

140. "I leave them to be divided equally

141. "amongst my five ex-wives,

142. "except Bunny, who gets jack squat."

143. Oh, nuts! Take me home, Chooch.

144. "Because I have no children of my own

145. "and because I owe a pile in alimony,

146. "I leave the remainder of my existing cash and assets

147. "to my most recent ex-wife, Candy."

148. Yes! Can we go now?

149. In a minute!

150. And finally, Mr. Spumoni has directed

151. in his last will and testament that...

152. Oh, boy. "All earnings from future sales

153. "of my records, videos and all other media

154. "current and in perpetuity

155. "in this universe or in any other

156. "including planets inhabited and, or, ruled by apes,

157. "shall we be awarded to my one good and loyal friend, Arnold."

158. What?

159. "In addition, I'm leaving Arnold my collection of custom suits

160. "and a box of assorted personal mementos."

161. Well, it won't amount to much money, Arnold.

162. Dino's records aren't selling.

163. But it was nice of him to think of you.

164. Why would he leave all this personal stuff to me?

165. Maybe it was just a whim.

166. Or maybe he's getting senile in his old age.

167. Or maybe he just likes you.

168. Maybe. Shrimp cocktail? It's from the funeral.

169. (CHUCKLES) Those rubber pockets paid off.

170. Look at all this.

171. His old pictures and records.

172. Ooh, a paperback copy of I, the Jury.

173. I'll just hang on to this for you until you turn 10.

174. It's almost like Dino left his whole life in my hands.

175. Not his whole life.

176. Just a bunch of his old things.

177. There's a big difference.

178. Lives are messy. Old things are fun.

179. Take me, for example.

180. I just wish I could have done something.

181. Oh, Arnold.

182. I heard your friend died.

183. Yeah. Well, don't feel bad.

184. I mean, he was an old guy.

185. And that's what old guys do.

186. They die.

187. And besides, he wasn't that good of a singer, anyway.

188. Psst.

189. Huh? Who said that?

190. Over here. Who's there?

191. It's me, Dino.

192. Come on. Who is that?

193. Iggy, is that you?

194. No, it's me, Dino. Dino Spumoni.

195. What? But, I mean, you can't be, Dino.

196. In the flesh, baby. But you're supposed to be...

197. Dead? I know. But I'm not. I'm alive and kicking.

198. Only, everybody thinks I'm dead, except you.

199. It's all part of my plan.

200. Your plan?

201. That's right. My plan. I'll tell you all about it.

202. First I need a favor.

203. Yeah, this will do just fine.

204. So, let me get this straight.

205. You faked your own death? That's right. I faked my own death.

206. All part of my plan.

207. I jumped overboard and swam to shore.

208. Nobody knew I could swim. Nobody.

209. But I've been taking lessons on the sly for weeks.

210. That was the key, baby. The key.

211. I knew they all figured I was a goner.

212. But why? Record sales.

213. I don't get it. It's simple.

214. My record sales were down.

215. It was like I was a forgotten man.

216. Old, washed up, a has-been.

217. Then it hit me.

218. Most artists don't get really famous till after they're dead.

219. Take that crazy painter. What's his name?

220. Van Gogh.

221. Works all his life, never sells a painting.

222. They day after he croaks. Bing, bam, boom.

223. Every schmo in town starts ponying up big dough for his pictures.

224. The poor clown gets rich and famous practically overnight.

225. That's what gave me the idea.

226. I fake my own death,

227. my records start selling like Van Goghs.

228. But I got one up on that carrot

229. 'cause I'm not really dead.

230. How are you gonna get the money from your record sales

231. if everybody thinks you're dead?

232. That's where you come in.

233. See, I figure I leave all the money to you.

234. You cash my checks and bring back the green.

235. But what about your family, your friends and your career?

236. How could you just give up your whole life?

237. What life?

238. Five ex-wives, a career in the toilet, a house I can barely pay for.

239. Sixty-seven years I spent putting a life together.

240. And what did it come to? Bupkis, baby.

241. But, Dino, you made everybody think you were dead.

242. I mean, a lot of people felt really sad about it.

243. It was kind of a mean thing to do.

244. Hey, what do you want from me?

245. It was the only way. I had to do it.

246. Well, what are your plans?

247. I mean, you won't be able to go out or see anybody.

248. Oh, well, I hadn't thought of that.

249. At least I'll have the green, baby.

250. 'Cause you'll be cashing my checks.

251. 'Course, I'll give you 10% for your trouble. That's only fair.

252. That's okay, you don't have to pay me anything.

253. Don't be a chump.

254. Take the money, cash the checks and bring 'em back here.

255. It's a perfect plan.

256. I'll live here in the boarding house

257. just like I used to when I first got started.

258. My records will sell like hot cakes, we'll both rake in the cash

259. and everything will be fine.

260. Dino, I think your whole plan is crazy.

261. I think you should just tell everyone you're still alive,

262. and apologize and get on with your life.

263. Ah, what do you know? You're just a kid.

264. My plan is fool-proof. Trust me.

265. But, what if the boarders hear you?

266. Tell 'em it's rats.

267. The next thing I know, it's gone.

268. A whole hoagie.

269. It just vanished into thin air.

270. Now, tell me that's not strange.

271. Strange. Really strange.

272. And I'm always hearing noises.

273. Humming noises.

274. It's very creepy.

275. I heard something moaning in the basement.

276. So I got up my courage,

277. and I got Suzie to go down and investigate.

278. But when she went down there, it was gone.

279. Maybe, it's... Rats?

280. Rats? There's no rats in the boarding house.

281. Except Oskar. That's right. There's no rats.

282. Hey!

283. But, Dino, they're starting to get suspicious.

284. They've heard noises...

285. Okay, okay, relax.

286. From now on, I'll be extra careful.

287. Quiet as a mouse, I promise.

288. Trust me, nobody's ever gonna know I'm here.

289. Who's that in the shower?

290. I told you something funny is going on around here.

291. Looks like the jig's up, kid.

292. You knew about this, Arnold?

293. Yeah.

294. I knew about it, Mr. Potts.

295. Well, how long did you think you could keep it from us?

296. Well, Dino didn't...

297. I mean, if the ghost of Dino Spumoni is drifting around,

298. haunting our own house, that's something you tell people.

299. Ghost? That's right. A ghost!

300. Dino's ghost!

301. Uh, that's right. I'm a ghost.

302. The ghost of Dino Spumoni.

303. And I just want to let youse all know

304. now that I'm a ghost, I'm living here now.

305. And if you don't like it,

306. youse can all just lump it.

307. Capiche? We capiche.

308. This is ridiculous. They think you're a ghost.

309. I know, it's perfect. I'm a ghost.

310. I can come and go any time I feel like it.

311. I can play music, write songs,

312. and make as much noise as I want without anybody bothering me.

313. But it's all a lie.

314. You're not a ghost, and you're not dead.

315. You're just pretending.

316. Why don't you come out of hiding

317. and let everybody know you're still alive?

318. What are you, a mamaluke?

319. I got a good thing going. I'm a ghost.

320. What could be more perfect?

321. Ah, crud.

322. The ghost of Dino is angry.

323. We must offer him a big fish.

324. To make him not so angry.

325. His stomach will be full, and then he will go away.

326. That's the stupidest idea I ever heard.

327. Let's do it.

328. With this offering of a fish,

329. I pray that the ghost of Dino

330. will find peace and go to a better place.

331. And we will not be haunted by his angry wrath.

332. Boo.

333. This is just like the old days when I was starting out.

334. Writing songs for the fun of it.

335. I was living right here in the boarding house.

336. I'd work all day at my lousy construction job,

337. come home, iron my one good shirt, polish my shoes,

338. put on my second-hand suit,

339. go down and play late night clubs for peanuts.

340. Those were the days. Sounds great.

341. Hey, get a load of this. It's brand-new.

342. The words are pretty screwy, but the melody swings, baby.

343. I can't wait to play it at the Palace.

344. Yeah, that would be nice.

345. Except, you can't play it at the Palace.

346. Why not? Because you're dead.

347. Oh, yeah. I forgot.

348. Then I guess nobody will ever hear any of these new songs I've been writing.

349. Ah, well, what's the difference?

350. Nobody wanted to hear my songs when I was alive.

351. Why would they want to hear 'em now when I'm dead?

352. I'll see you around, kid.

353. Grandpa, can I talk to you?

354. I don't know. Can you? It's about Dino.

355. I'm not supposed to tell anybody

356. but the truth is, Dino's not really a ghost.

357. Oh, I know. You know?

358. Of course, I know, I may be feeble-minded, but I'm not stupid.

359. How did you know?

360. Ghost don't take showers.

361. Oh. They take baths.

362. So you don't mind if Dino stays in the boarding house?

363. Dino's in the boarding house? Good gravy! We can't...

364. Kid, I'm kidding.

365. Arnold, these are the jokes.

366. He's pretending to be dead

367. because he thinks that nobody cares about him

368. or his music anymore.

369. And I told him it was crazy

370. but he wouldn't listen to me.

371. That's because he's an idiot.

372. He's acting like a big baby.

373. But don't worry, he just needs time to work out his problems.

374. He'll come around. I guess you're right.

375. You know, for a 9-year-old, you sure like to

376. take the weight of the world on your shoulders.

377. You ought to be out playing with your little friends.

378. Why don't you go out right now

379. and play some stickball, or go see a movie?

380. Grandpa, it's 2:00 in the morning.

381. There's always a downside with you, isn't there?

382. It's simply the height of must-do.

383. What's going on?

384. Oh, Arnold. Haven't you heard?

385. It's only the hottest ticket in town.

386. Everyone who's anyone is going.

387. Dino Mania, not the real Dino

388. but an incredible simulation.

389. Younger and better-looking than the original.

390. Now playing at the Roxy.

391. What a bunch of crap.

392. He's getting really big.

393. A lot of people are going. (GROANS)

394. He's playing all your old songs,

395. and dressing and acting like you.

396. He's selling out concerts, and even making records.

397. Let him try. "Dino Mania." Oh, brother.

398. I know that bum. He's a two-bit wedding singer.

399. It'll never last.

400. The public will know the difference. Trust me.

401. Everybody! I bought tickets for Dino Mania. My treat!

402. Hey. Great!

403. I've been wanting to see that.

404. Shh. Don't tell the ghost.

405. (ON TV) Not Dino, but an incredible simulation.

406. Dino Mania, you'll get all the hits,

407. including "Smashed", "The Doll Can Swing"...

408. Look at that punk. Where does he get off doing my act?

409. Ray Doppel, the star of Dino Mania

410. has become an overnight sensation,

411. selling out concert halls, making television appearances

412. and hit records

413. featuring cover versions of Dino Spumoni's songs.

414. He takes his new role so seriously

415. that he prefers to be called Dino.

416. Even when he's not performing.

417. Call me Dino.

418. Amazingly, the new Dino has even started

419. dating the old Dino's most recent ex-wife.

420. What?

421. Candy Maldonado Spumoni.

422. He's an incredible stimulation.

423. He's going out with Candy. And look, that clown is in my house!

424. He's wearing my kiss-the-cook apron.

425. He's playing with my dog!

426. Call me Dino.

427. That's it. I can't take any more of this.

428. Why don't you do something about it?

429. What are you talking about? What could I do? I'm dead, remember?

430. I'm history, a has-been, a ghost!

431. You could come back if you wanted to.

432. Ah, what for? I got a good thing going here. Why mess it up?

433. You've got a little room in a boarding house and a hot plate.

434. The only person on the planet who doesn't think you're either dead or a ghost is me.

435. Like I said, I got a good thing going.

436. You said your old life was so bad.

437. But, now that somebody else is living it for you,

438. it kind of sounds like you're jealous.

439. Jealous? You're crazy.

440. Was your life really that bad

441. that you're willing to just give it all up?

442. The Palace. And step on it.

443. You know something?

444. You look just like that gentleman Dino Spumoni

445. who kicked the bucket.

446. How about that?

447. Excuse me, sir. Where's your ticket?

448. Oh, that's okay. I don't need a ticket.

449. I know, I know. You're Dino Spumoni.

450. That's right.

451. Look, you wanna pretend you're Dino Spumoni, that's okay with me.

452. But if you want to see the concert, you gotta have a ticket.

453. You don't understand. See, I'm the real Dino.

454. Yeah, yeah. Get in line with the other ones.

455. What are you talking about? What other ones?

456. How's youse all doing tonight? I'm Dino Spumoni.

457. And I want to welcome everybody to my little shindig.

458. You know, in all my years as Dino Spumoni,

459. the one thing that's meant the most to me

460. is the love I feel from my fans.

461. The way you've always accepted and embraced me,

462. Dino Spumoni, well, I've gotta tell you,

463. it just knocks me out.

464. In fact, if you took all the love there is in this room

465. and put it in a rocket ship,

466. it could fly around the moon

467. and all the way back to the solar system.

468. If Dino were alive to see this clown, he'd go crazy.

469. Dino, you big jerk.

470. (CRYING) I miss you, buddy.

471. Why did you have to die?

472. (SHUSHES) Sorry.

473. Here's a little number that I, Dino Spumoni,

474. have been singing for years.

475. Dino?

476. You stole my act, you two-bit punk.

477. What do you think you're doing?

478. You're not supposed to be here. You're dead!

479. And this is my concert. I'm Dino now.

480. In your dreams, you fake.

481. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to apologize

482. for the disturbance here this evening.

483. Uh, the thing is, I'm Dino Spumoni.

484. The real Dino, not an impersonator,

485. not a simulation, not a ghost.

486. Hey, Oskar, he's not dead.

487. I want my two bucks back.

488. I know, I know. It's kind of a shock.

489. And I want you all to know, I'm real sorry about that whole "I'm dead" thing.

490. It was just a crazy cockamamie plan I had that didn't work out.

491. It took a good friend of mine, a kid named Arnold,

492. to make me see how stupid I was

493. to throw away a whole life and career

494. just 'cause I was going through a rough patch.

495. But, anyway, that's all over now, and I'm back.

496. That is, if anyone still wants me back after what I did.

497. Thank you.

498. Thank you very much.

499. Well, youse all came to see a show.

500. Seeing as how I just KO'd the headliner,

501. maybe I could fill in.

502. I mean, I may not be Dino Mania

503. but I am an incredible simulation.

504. This here is a new song about the old days.

505. Days when I was just starting out.

506. The days before I sold out and became a big, fat joke.

507. The days when I used to really swing.

508. Tony, give me a C.

509. Stick with me, baby, 'cause we're going places.