Hey Arnold! 4x15

1. Here we go. Arnold.

2. Hey, Arnold!

3. Hey, Arnold!

4. Arnold.

5. Arnold.

6. (SIREN WAILING) Arnold.

7. Arnold.

8. Move it, football head!

9. Hey, Arnold!

10. Now, the main thing is whatever we do for Veterans Day,

11. it's gotta be big.

12. We've got three whole days.

13. All right. How about we go bowling?

14. Bowling? Come on, Gerald, how about golf?

15. Gold? Arnold, we don't golf,

16. that's something you do when you're an old man.

17. When you turn 30.

18. The question is, what are we going to do this weekend?

19. Don't worry, we'll think of something.

20. I'll call you later.

21. Golf?

22. Well, now that we're all here, seeing as how it's Veterans Day weekend,

23. I think this is the perfect time to finally tell you all

24. the story of how I single-handedly won

25. the most important battle in World War II.

26. There I was on the battlefields of Northern Europe...

27. You know, Gramps, I just remembered I left my underwear

28. in the dryer. I also left my underwear in Ernie's dryer.

29. Hey, wait a minute, where are you all going?

30. I'm late for my sewing circle.

31. Hey, come back here, you, I'm not finished, I...

32. Oh, I'll never get to tell my story.

33. Oh, well, I'll have my dessert.

34. Hey, somebody ate my pudding.

35. Oskar!

36. I guess you and Arnold had the same ideas as Gerald and me.

37. Well, Oskar stole my pudding and I wanted dessert, so...

38. Here we are. I thought it would be nice for just Gerald and me

39. to go out.

40. I get so busy with work and everything else,

41. I don't get to spend enough time with Gerald.

42. And they grow up so fast.

43. You probably feel the same way about Arnold.

44. No, actually I spend plenty of time with Arnold.

45. Oh, that kid's always around.

46. Everywhere I look, there he is.

47. I can't get rid of him.

48. Sometimes I think he'll never grow up.

49. You know how much I could get for his room?

50. Look, I love the aquarium just as much as the next kid,

51. but I'm not gonna spend my whole weekend looking at fish.

52. Killer clown, three o'clock.

53. I see him.

54. All I wanted to do was to tell my World War II stories.

55. But before I could get a word out, they're all getting up

56. and running from the table.

57. I'm telling you.

58. Nobody respects Veterans Day anymore.

59. I know what you mean, I served in Vietnam,

60. but nobody wants to hear about it.

61. They hold that big Veterans Day celebration every year in the capital,

62. but around here, you wouldn't know it was anything

63. but a free day off work.

64. Hey, I always wanted to go to that celebration.

65. It'd be good for Arnold too, all these kids care about today

66. is a three-day weekend.

67. They ought to be thinking of the meaning of the holiday,

68. you know, the capital's only a day's drive from here.

69. That's right, it is.

70. Hey, Phil, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

71. Arnold, pack your things. We're going to the capital

72. for the Veterans Day celebration.

73. Huh? You too, Gerald.

74. It's a road trip. We're gonna spend the whole weekend together.

75. Just us men, hit me high, Martin.

76. Ah! Phil, you all right?

77. Got you! (LAUGHS)

78. Well, at least, now we know what we're doing this weekend.

79. It might be fun. You know, my dad was in Vietnam.

80. He's probably got some great war stories.

81. I bet he was a big hero. I don't know why we didn't think of this sooner.

82. I'll tell Gerald all about my days in Vietnam.

83. We'll take the Packard and rendezvous at 0600 hours, Private Johannsen.

84. Ooh, I'm so excited.

85. I finally get to tell my story of how I won World War II all by myself.

86. And nobody can run out in the middle of it

87. because we'll be flying down the highway at 90 miles an hour.

88. Grandpa, the speed limit's 55.

89. I know. (CACKLES)

90. I'll tell all about the time I wrestled Adolf Hitler himself to the ground

91. and kicked his patoot.

92. Grandpa, can I just ask you one favor?

93. I don't have any more Milk Duds, Arnold.

94. (SIGHS) No, not that.

95. Can you just for once tell the truth about what happened

96. to you in the war?

97. Instead of one of your crazy made-up stories.

98. Crazy made-up stories?

99. When have I ever told you any crazy made-up stories?

100. Actually, you do it all the time.

101. Well, okay, maybe I stretched the truth once or twice,

102. but this story is completely true.

103. Every word of it.

104. Okay. You wanna drive?

105. Grandpa. Oh, all right, I'll drive.

106. But if I get tired, you take over, okay?

107. You boys are gonna love this,

108. we'll get to see all the monuments depicting famous battles

109. and there'll be a parade and even fireworks.

110. You betcha, Martin.

111. And it's only 18 hours away.

112. 18 hours?

113. Let's hit it.

114. You didn't see nothing.

115. I wanna hear about you, Dad.

116. Were you a war hero? Well, the way I look at it, son,

117. most everybody that goes to war is a hero in some way.

118. But you were in Vietnam, right?

119. In battle. Well, I was in Vietnam serving my country.

120. Did you have a gun?

121. Did you ever shoot anybody?

122. Well, the army did issue me a rifle.

123. But being a veteran is not about carrying a weapon

124. or fighting in battles.

125. It's about service to your country

126. and there are a lot of ways you can serve.

127. Hey, wait a minute, what about my story?

128. Sorry, Phil, would you like to go first?

129. Well, my story did happen before yours,

130. because I'm an old man, who knows how much time I've got left.

131. I've got a feeling you got plenty of time left.

132. But you go right ahead. There I was,

133. on the battlefields of Northern Europe,

134. over 50 years ago, in January 1945.

135. I was a young GI with a strong back and a head full of

136. brilliant dreams.

137. (SNORING) Yes, Hedy, oh yes. Of course, I'll marry you.

138. Oh, yes, right after I become a big war hero

139. and we'll get married and I'll be Mr. Hedy Lamarr.

140. Those potatoes ain't gonna peel themselves, Private.

141. (STUTTERS) Yes, sir, Peeling, sir.

142. I wasn't sleeping, no, sir, just thinking about kicking Hitler's butt,

143. yes, sir.

144. I was an assistant cook in the first army.

145. All day long, I peeled potatoes and washed pots and pans,

146. but I knew one day I'd get out of the kitchen

147. and get my chance at an important mission.

148. And then I'd become a real hero.

149. Hey, Phil. I'm busy.

150. Colonel wants to see you.

151. The colonel? (DEFECATING)

152. Oh, boy, it's my big mission.

153. Medic! Even though I was woozy from my fall

154. and loopy from the pills the medic gave me,

155. I could still understand nearly half the instructions the Colonel gave me.

156. This was it, my big mission.

157. Seems I was handpicked to deliver a truckload of bad Cham

158. to an undisclosed... Truckload of what?

159. Cham. Bad Cham. Cham, what's Cham?

160. Is that like Spam?

161. No, it's completely different.

162. Spam is a delicious, nutritious, ham-based product enjoyed by millions of people

163. all over the world for more than 50 years.

164. Cham, on the other hand, is a combination of chicken and ham by-products

165. randomly packed in leaky tin containers

166. and briefly introduced to the military for experimental purposes.

167. (TRUCK HORN TOOTING) in December of 1944.

168. The point is, this Cham turned out to be bad meat.

169. And I mean really bad meat.

170. Gave you the runs like there was no tomorrow.

171. So, my job was to drive this truckload of bad Cham to a dumping ground

172. somewhere in northern France.

173. Of course, the exact location was a closely-guarded military secret.

174. The night was dark and thick with fog

175. as I started on my important and dangerous journey.

176. I could barely see my nose in front of my face.

177. But I was determined to fulfill my mission.

178. Inch by inch, I drove on braving the elements.

179. The hours passed, by dawn, the fog had cleared

180. and I decided to pull over and make camp.

181. Sucking up the fear that churned in my gut.

182. I wondered where was I? How close was the enemy?

183. Would I ever see my beloved regiment again?

184. Hey, Phil. Yeah.

185. You up for poker? I can't, I'm on a secret mission.

186. Oh, yeah, you're dumping the bad Cham, right?

187. Right. Hey, wait a minute.

188. How did you know? The whole camp knows.

189. Well, don't tell anybody else, okay?

190. It was at that moment, I realized my situation had become even more perilous.

191. If the whole regiment knew I was on a secret mission to deliver bad meat,

192. there was no telling who else knew.

193. Maybe even the enemy, on top of that, I was only 200 yards from camp

194. with a long way to go.

195. And on top of that, my weenie was on fire.

196. Help, my weenie's on fire! Medic!

197. I had to make up time and do it fast.

198. So I put the pedal to the metal,

199. knowing my mission was more important than any traffic laws

200. or hazard signs.

201. Late that night, I got pretty tired and hungry.

202. Not to mention lonesome.

203. So I stopped at a little French farmhouse to rest,

204. but the farmer had gone off to join the French army

205. and there was no one left at home except his three beautiful daughters.

206. There was no room in the farmhouse, but they agreed

207. to let me spend the night in the barn.

208. Just when I was about to nod off, (KNOCKING AT DOOR)

209. there came a knock on the barn door.

210. It was the oldest daughter, Monique,

211. she was bathed in moonlight, wearing a figure-flattering, diaphanous peasant dress.

212. "Oh, Monsieur Phil," she said.

213. "the war, she has made me so scared and lonely." Uh, Phil,

214. uh, maybe you should skip on down to the next part of the story.

215. Oh, yeah, yeah, maybe you're right.

216. I'll tell you that part later.

217. Anyway, I woke up the next morning feeling like a million bucks

218. and ready to get back on my secret mission. (SOBBING)

219. I don't know how many miles I drove,

220. how many turns I took on all those zigzagging backroads.

221. But I was determined to accomplish my big mission.

222. Then it happened. (TIRE BURSTS)

223. I don't know how long it took me to change the tire,

224. but I worked as fast as I could

225. And all the time I knew that there was a possibility

226. the Nazis weren't more than a few miles away.

227. Little did I know... (SOLDIER SPEAKING GERMAN)

228. I turned and saw the most horrible sight anyone could ever see.

229. There standing over me with eyes glowing like fiery coals,

230. was the Fuhrer himself.

231. Adolf Hitler.

232. Take that, Hitler.

233. Gonna beat you red, white and blue.

234. Nein. (SPEAKING GERMAN)

235. Grandpa.

236. You did not fight Adolf Hitler, you're making this all up.

237. Okay, you got me.

238. I made that part up, pretty funny, huh?

239. It was Goebbels.

240. All right, so it wasn't Hitler himself,

241. but it was a whole blockade of Nazi soldiers,

242. I stumbled into the midst of the biggest, most ferocious German Panzer-Brigade

243. in the whole war.

244. What happened?

245. Did they take you prisoner? Did they torture you?

246. I'll tell you the whole terrifying story, but first we gotta stop for gas.

247. But, Phil, we've got half a tank.

248. I know we got half a tank in the car, but I've got a full tank in here

249. and if I don't get some relief, we're not gonna make it.

250. Ooh, ooh, oooh, ah.

251. Oh, the relief. (URINATING)

252. Wait a minute, this isn't the men's room.

253. (WOMAN SCREAMING) I'm sorry, lady,

254. it was an honest mistake.

255. Do you mean you were captured by the Nazis?

256. Miles behind enemy lines,

257. all by yourself?

258. All by my lonesome.

259. Surrounded by ferocious Nazi soldiers.

260. They were lean, they were mean,

261. but most of all, they were hungry.

262. They'd just run out of rations and when they opened the back of my truck.

263. They got pretty excited.

264. I realized they were planning to eat it.

265. I yelled out... No, don't eat it, that's bad meat.

266. What did you say?

267. I said that's... (LAUGHS)

268. That tickles.

269. (CHOKES) I said, that's bad meat, don't eat it.

270. Is it really bad meat?

271. Or is that what you want us to think?

272. That's what I want you to think, because it is, it's bad meat.

273. It's very bad.

274. Hmm, since you are the enemy, if the meat was bad,

275. you would want me to eat it.

276. So, therefore, logically you would tell me the meat was good,

277. isn't that right, American?

278. Not sure it makes sense to me

279. But, you knew that I would think that, didn't you?

280. Oh, yes, I sure did, you got me there.

281. You're smart, it's no wonder they made you captain.

282. Major. Major, yes, oh, that's much better

283. than captain, much better

284. because (STUTTERS) you're a major, you can boss captains around.

285. You can say, "Hey, Captain, go get me a newspaper."

286. "Hey, clean my boots, Captain."

287. Silence. You think you're smarter than me, don't you?

288. Oh, no, sir, I don't, I, uh...

289. You American, you think if you tell me the meat is bad,

290. then I will think you're telling me the meat is bad,

291. because it is really good.

292. But I know you are telling me the meat is bad,

293. because you know I will think you are telling me the meat is bad

294. because you think I will think you are telling me the meat is bad

295. because it is really good, isn't that right?

296. American?

297. Meat, bad, thinks it's good.

298. Oh, this is hard.

299. When, in fact,

300. the meat is really good after all.

301. Isn't that right?

302. That's when it hit me.

303. I realized if I let him think he was smarter than me,

304. I could make him do anything I wanted.

305. Oh, you're right, it's true, the meat is good.

306. Why did I ever think I could outsmart a captain?

307. Major.

308. Major, right.

309. You Nazis are so much smarter than us.

310. We can't win the war, I'm such a dumb, stupid idiot.

311. That meat was supposed to be for General Montgomery and now you guys

312. are gonna eat it and I'm gonna be in big, big trouble.

313. You won't tell him, will ya?

314. No, thanks, I'm not hungry.

315. Well, the next morning, they were all sick as dogs.

316. That's right, I captured the entire panzer division.

317. Just me.

318. No, this is not a joke.

319. American, (GASPS) please help me.

320. Oof! I have a bad ache in my tummy.

321. Hold on a sec.

322. Aw, you got a tummy ache?

323. Ach. Maybe this will help.

324. Now look here, you tell the general to get a couple of divisions

325. down here on the double.

326. I busted a hole in the enemy lines six miles wide.

327. If you hurry, you can walk straight through to Berlin.

328. That night, the Allies rolled right through the gap

329. I created in the German lines.

330. They marched on to Berlin and won the war.

331. Because of me, America achieved victory

332. and total domination over the Germans.

333. Ah, stupid Mercedes.

334. That's amazing.

335. So you just about won the whole war all by yourself?

336. (LAUGHS) Well, practically, of course, other guys helped,

337. you know, General Patton and some of the Canadians.

338. That's, uh, quite a story, Phil.

339. Did you ever capture a brigade of enemy soldiers?

340. No, son, I didn't. But you saw a lot of action, right?

341. Oh, sure, I saw plenty of action.

342. Did you ever shoot anybody?

343. To tell you the truth, I did.

344. I was only 19 when I was drafted.

345. It was toward the end of the war and a lot of young men

346. didn't believe in the cause.

347. Some of them ducked out and went to Canada on principle.

348. I thought about that too.

349. I thought about it a long time.

350. Mostly because I wasn't too sure myself

351. about what we were doing in Vietnam.

352. And partly because I was scared like everybody else who went.

353. But in the end, I decided my country asked me to go,

354. then right or wrong, I had to oblige.

355. I had had two weeks of basic training, but I missed most of it

356. because I was out with the flu.

357. They sent me on with my regiment anyway.

358. Next thing I know, I'm at rifle practice.

359. (GUNS FIRING) And that's when it happened.

360. None of us saw it coming.

361. Least of all, me.

362. You got 45 seconds, Private.

363. Let me see you clean that rifle. Yes, sir.

364. Christopher Columbus on a cracked wheat cracker!

365. Who discharged that weapon?

366. I shot my own colonel.

367. Now this isn't the first time I've been shot in the butt.

368. That's right, Private, it's happened before.

369. But last time I was shot in the butt,

370. it was at the hands of the enemy.

371. Not one of my own recruits!

372. Now what do you have to say for yourself, soldier?

373. I was sick with the flu during most of basic training, sir.

374. "Sick with the flu." You were sick with the flu?

375. What are you good at, Private? What can you do without screwing it up?

376. I was assigned to the main office

377. of the army medical records department.

378. As a file clerk.

379. Wait a minute,

380. you were a file clerk?

381. That's right. But I thought you said you saw plenty of action

382. when you were in the war. That's right, I did.

383. And it happened when I least expected it.

384. First thing the next morning with no warning at all.

385. 227 files were dropped on my desk.

386. And my job was to get them all checked, organized and filed away

387. by 1700 hours.

388. Not one of those files was in order.

389. You've never seen such a mess.

390. But that was just at the beginning, right?

391. I mean, after that, you got in some battles, didn't you?

392. Well, no, Gerald, actually I spent my whole tour

393. in that office, filing and stamping and keeping things organized.

394. But, you mean, you never saw any battles?

395. Not really, I was too busy with my duties.

396. Oh.

397. There was one time I had to go north to deliver some records

398. up near An Loc, I passed by where a battle

399. had occurred some time before.

400. There really wasn't anybody around except this one kid

401. who'd been separated from his regiment.

402. I believe his name was Miller.

403. He had a wound of some kind, I couldn't tell

404. how serious it was but there wasn't anybody else around,

405. so I thought I better do what I could.

406. I didn't have any bandages.

407. But of course, I had my primary files with me.

408. I took out some papers, applied some disinfectant, made a bandage...

409. Sure impressed 'em with our war stories, eh, Martin?

410. I hope so, I really want Gerald to understand

411. what it means to serve your country.

412. That it's not about being a big hero, but doing your best.

413. Uh-huh.

414. Man,

415. my dad didn't do anything in the war.

416. Sure he did. Oh, yeah? What?

417. Well, he helped file and organize all those papers.

418. Ah, big deal. He helped that soldier with his wound.

419. Arnold, he wrapped a couple of file papers around some soldier's leg.

420. I mean, anybody could've done that.

421. The guy wasn't even hurt that bad, anyway.

422. The fact is, my dad was just a file clerk.

423. He didn't even learn how to shoot a gun.

424. He didn't win any battles or save anybody.

425. I don't see how it made any difference that he went to Vietnam.

426. I always thought he was a hero.

427. But he wasn't.

428. Your dad's still a really good guy.

429. I know. At least he told you the truth about what happened.

430. He didn't make it all up like Grandpa did.

431. Grandpa, why are we here?

432. I told you I'm looking for the monument.

433. Eh, it's around here somewhere.

434. Eureka! Oh, no, that's not it.

435. Oh, oop, bingo.

436. Grandpa.

437. That's you. Of course, it is, it's my monument.

438. It's just like in your story.

439. "In honor of Private Steely Phil. He single-handedly won the Battle of the Bulge."

440. I can't believe it.

441. You thought I was a big, fat liar, didn't you, eh?

442. Thought I was telling you some crazy, made-up story.

443. But here I am in bronze.

444. Private Steely Phil, it says.

445. Big hero, and I don't see a sculpture of you anywhere, you...

446. Gerald. Yeah, Dad?

447. I wanted to tell you something.

448. I know how much you wanted to believe I was some kind of

449. big war hero.

450. But the truth is, I wasn't.

451. I didn't carry a gun and I didn't fight in combat or anything

452. like that.

453. I just tried to give my best when my country asked me to.

454. It's okay, Dad, I know you did your best.

455. You don't have to be a hero, I'm proud of you.

456. Johanssen? Private Johanssen?

457. Yeah. I knew it was you, it's Miller.

458. Private Miller. Private Miller?

459. You remember? Outside of An Loc?

460. Back in '72. I remember.

461. I was sitting in that rice paddy for hours.

462. My platoon had moved on.

463. I kept calling out for a medic, for anybody, but nobody came.

464. I didn't know how bad I was hurt, I just knew couldn't move.

465. After a while when nobody came,

466. I figured that was gonna be it.

467. But then you showed up, out of the blue.

468. Private Martin Johanssen.

469. You had all those file folders with you.

470. I wondered what anybody was doing out in the middle of a battlefield

471. with a bunch of file folders.

472. You kept looking at my leg and shaking your head.

473. Then you took out some papers and poured something out on 'em

474. out of a bottle.

475. Then you pressed 'em to my leg and taped it up

476. round me like a bandage.

477. I must've passed out because next thing I knew,

478. I was in a hospital in Saigon.

479. The doctors couldn't figure out what I was doing there.

480. They figured I should've bled to death.

481. I tried to tell 'em, but I guess I was still pretty weak.

482. I kept trying to tell them, it was Private Johanssen.

483. Private Johanssen.

484. I've waited over 20 years to thank you.

485. I just did what I could.

486. Is this your son?

487. Yes, my son, Gerald.

488. Pleased to meet you, Gerald.

489. Hello. Did you know your father's a real hero?

490. This is my wife Sharon and my kids Bobby and Ellen.

491. This is the man I told you about.

492. Martin Johanssen.

493. The man who saved my life.

494. It's an honor, sir.