Hey Arnold! 4x12

1. Here we go... Arnold!

2. Hey, Arnold!

3. Hey, Arnold!

4. Arnold!

5. Arnold!

6. (SIREN WAILING) Arnold!

7. Arnold.

8. Move it, football head!

9. Hey Arnold!

10. Look, Lila. Evil Twin II.

11. Maybe we could go next Saturday?

12. Gosh, I don't think so, Arnold.

13. I really don't like scary movies.

14. Okay, then, how about this one?

15. The Enchanted Bunnies of Happy Forest.

16. It doesn't look scary.

17. You're right, Arnold. It looks sweet.

18. Just, ever so sweet.

19. Only I'd rather that we didn't go see it.

20. How come, Lila?

21. I mean, you love that kind of movie, don't you?

22. Well, yes. Just ever so much.

23. Then, why don't you wanna go see it?

24. Oh, it's not the movie, Arnold.

25. It's...

26. Well, to be just perfectly honest

27. it's you.

28. Oh, don't get me wrong, Arnold.

29. You and I are really good friends and all

30. but as I've told you, oh so many times

31. I just don't like you, like you.

32. And, well, going to a movie together

33. sounds kind of like a date.

34. You understand, don't you?

35. Actually, Lila,

36. I'm not sure I do.

37. I mean, you and I get along so great,

38. and we have so much in common

39. that I really don't get

40. why you don't like me, like me.

41. Gosh, Arnold!

42. I suppose it's because you're just not

43. that, oh so special someone I've been looking for.

44. That's all. Oh.

45. I'm ever so sorry.

46. Anyway, I'm certain I ought to be getting home now.

47. I'll see you later, Arnold.

48. See you, Lila.

49. (SCOFFS) Arnold's burned once again by Lila.

50. The undeserving object

51. of his most stupid boyhood affections. Ha-ha.

52. And yet, here I stand

53. pathetically lurking in the shadows,

54. busting with desire for my beloved

55. only too timid and shy

56. to tell him how I feel.

57. Oh, Arnold!

58. What is thing called love?

59. What is this crazy little emotion

60. that makes our stomachs churn all tapsy-turvy?

61. Our knees buckle.

62. What is this wacky feeling

63. that makes us feel attraction for one person,

64. and total repulsion for another?

65. Helga?

66. Arnold! Who are you talking to?

67. Um, no one, football head.

68. I wasn't talking to anyone.

69. (NERVOUSLY) I was singing.

70. Singing a song.

71. Not that it's any of your business.

72. Women.

73. Oh, Arnold.

74. Where in the heck have you been?

75. I've been waiting for you all day.

76. I was at school, Grandpa.

77. School? What were you doing at school

78. when you knew darn well,

79. your cousin Arnie was coming today

80. for his four week vacay? Oh! Arnie!

81. Sorry, Grandpa. I totally forgot.

82. Well, thanks to you

83. I had to spend a whole day with the little weirdo.

84. Arnie? Are you in there?

85. It's me, Arnold.

86. Hey, Arnie. Hey.

87. How's it going? What you been up to?

88. I've been reading the ingredients from the shampoo bottle.

89. That's really... interesting.

90. Yeah. Did you have a good flight?

91. Yeah. I read the ingredients

92. on the back of this little bag of peanuts.

93. So, Arnie, what's your deal?

94. You know, uh, what're you into?

95. What're your hobbies?

96. I like to count things.

97. Count things?

98. Suzie, what kind of stupid answer is that?

99. Oskar! What? He's an idiot.

100. He is not an idiot. He's just a little shy.

101. What else are you interested in, Arnie?

102. Gum. (SNIFFLES) Plain-flavored gum.

103. Okay, so maybe he is a little slow.

104. What a loser!

105. Oh, he's so ugly. I cannot look at him.

106. That's amazing, Arnold.

107. He looks just like you,

108. only he's a lot uglier,

109. and he talks kinda like you, only he's a lot dumber.

110. I hate to say it but to tell the plain truth,

111. your cousin's dull as dirt.

112. I know, Stinky, but he's family,

113. so I appreciate it if you could be

114. nice to him, and just try to like him.

115. I collect lint.

116. I saved this from my brown corduroys last summer.

117. (SNIFFLES) Do you wanna touch it?

118. Oh, Nadine, would you look at the time?

119. We're gonna be late for that, that...

120. Thing we have to do.

121. Hurry, Nadine. Hurry.

122. Oh, man! What a dweeb!

123. Well, okay, Arnold.

124. I'll be nice to him, and I'll even try to like him.

125. But it's hard to believe anybody could beat down

126. and truly like someone like your poor, sorry cousin Arnie.

127. See you tomorrow.

128. Hi.

129. (SNIFFLES) Hey.

130. How 'bout that,

131. shortman, the little dweeb's got himself some plans!

132. Yeah, looks like I'm on my own tonight.

133. I think I'll go see a movie.

134. Polysorbate 80,

135. monosodium glutamate,

136. yellow dye number 5, carrageenan.

137. Gosh, Arnie.

138. It's just ever so impressive

139. the way you read all those big words.

140. I'm gonna go get some popcorn.

141. Lila? Hello, Arnold.

142. What're you doing here?

143. I thought you said you didn't like scary movies?

144. Well, I'm certain I don't.

145. This is Evil Twin II.

146. Oh!

147. Oh, gosh!

148. Hey.

149. Um, Lila.

150. Can I talk to you in private?

151. Look, Lila, I appreciate you being nice and all

152. but you don't have to hang around

153. with my cousin just because you feel bad... Pardon?

154. You don't have to spend time with Arnie

155. just because, well...

156. because he's weird. Arnold.

157. I'm afraid you've got it oh so wrong.

158. I don't feel bad for Arnie,

159. and I'm certain I don't think he's weird.

160. As a matter of fact,

161. I've fallen madly in love with him. What?

162. I'm in love with him, Arnold.

163. He's the boy of my dreams.

164. Let me get this straight.

165. You don't like me

166. but you like Arnie.

167. Well, yes.

168. How can you possibly prefer him to me?

169. Gosh, Arnold.

170. I suppose it's just because Arnie has that

171. oh so special something.

172. This is better than any movie.

173. I still can't understand

174. how Lila could prefer your plain,

175. homely, dull as dirt cousin Arnie over you, Arnold.

176. I mean, you're no Dapper Dan,

177. but you sure are better-looking than Arnie,

178. and you're sure a lot more fun to talk to

179. but she just likes him better.

180. Look at her glow.

181. Stinky, shut up.

182. What did I say?

183. Hey, football head. How's it goin'?

184. Are you still upset because your cousin got your girl?

185. How can she prefer him to me?

186. Well, maybe he's just got that

187. certain special something she's looking for.

188. Oh, come on, Helga. The guy collects lint.

189. I can't stand looking at them anymore.

190. It's driving me crazy.

191. Look, Arnold, if you want to get Lila

192. to stop liking Arnie, why don't you just

193. pretend you're in love with another girl?

194. That way Lila will be jealous and come falling back to you.

195. Oh, come on. That won't work.

196. This just in, Arnold.

197. Girls don't like you if they know you like them.

198. They don't? No. Girls only like you

199. if they think you don't like them.

200. So, if Lila thought you were all goofy over some other girl,

201. she'd dump Arnie like a bad dream

202. and fall right back in your lap.

203. You really think that would work?

204. Trust me. Okay, I'll do it.

205. But who can I get? Oh, I don't know.

206. There must be someone around here.

207. How about Phoebe? Arnold, please.

208. No one's ever gonna be jealous of Phoebe.

209. Sheena? Too geeky.

210. Rhonda? Yeah, right.

211. Like Rhonda Lloyd would ever pretend to be your girlfriend.

212. Well, what about you?

213. Me?

214. Well, talk about a crazy idea.

215. But what the ham, I'm in good mood.

216. I guess I could help you out.

217. But don't say I never did you any favors, Arnoldo.

218. Oh!

219. All right, Romeo here's the plan.

220. You sit behind me and start brushing.

221. When Lila rounds the corner with her homely little friend,

222. she'll see us and instantly go green with envy.

223. You want me to brush your hair

224. to make Lila jealous?

225. Did I stutter, loverboy?

226. Now have a seat and get to it

227. before I change my mind about helping you.

228. Here they come.

229. Showtime.

230. I can't believe I'm actually gonna do this.

231. (CHUCKLES) Oh, Arnold, that tickles.

232. Oops, excuse us.

233. No way! This is where I draw the line.

234. Oh, come on, football head. It's a great idea,

235. besides, they're looking over here right now.

236. Gosh, Arnold sure is spending lot of time

237. with Helga lately.

238. Yeah.

239. Look, I got you a present.

240. Here, I'll open it for you.

241. It's French.

242. I thought you might enjoy reading

243. the ingredients in a foreign language.

244. There's something I have to tell you.

245. Gosh, Arnie! Whatever it could be!

246. Hey. Hey, Arnie.

247. Could I talk to Helga alone for a minute?

248. Sure.

249. I broke up with Lila.

250. You broke up with Lila! Why?

251. Well, the thing is I realized

252. I have other feelings. What kind of feelings?

253. He dumped you?

254. Arnie dumped you? Ha.

255. You're kidding.

256. No, Arnold. I'm ever so serious.

257. Look, Arnie, you're talking in circles. Spit it out.

258. What the heck are you trying to say?

259. I love you.

260. Excuse me?

261. I'm really sorry, Lila.

262. Sure. I just don't understand it,

263. after all, we got along so great.

264. We had so much fun together,

265. and ever so much in common.

266. Well, maybe he just wasn't that oh so special someone

267. you've been looking for.

268. Yeah, maybe. Anyway, Arnold,

269. thank you ever so much for comforting me.

270. Anytime, Lila.

271. Now, could I ask you a favor?

272. Sure, Lila.

273. Could you please take your hand off my shoulder?

274. As I've told you over and over,

275. I don't like you, like you, I just like you.

276. I want us to spend every waking moment together.

277. Let me tell you about myself.

278. I like gum and I like counting things,

279. but most of all, I like gum.

280. I also like reading the ingredients on food packages.

281. It's kind of my hobby.

282. Suzie, make me a sandwich.

283. In a minute Oskar. I'm ironing your pants.

284. Why can't you do both at the same time?

285. (SIGHS) Oskar! What?

286. You know how much I have to do.

287. Why can't you just help out a little bit?

288. You know my cousin Nancy is going to be here

289. any minute with her baby.

290. I just want a sandwich.

291. When Nancy gets here with the baby

292. I want to know that I can count on your help.

293. It will be a lot of work having a baby in the house, you know.

294. Come on, Suzie,

295. make me a sandwich. (KNOCK AT DOOR)

296. Here we are. Oh, look at you preci-ums.

297. You're such a big boy, aren't you?

298. (GURGLES) And listen, I've got everything you'll need

299. while we're gone. Two days supply of diapers.

300. Pacifiers, baby wipes, baby powder, bottles,

301. and Oskar's favorite rattle.

302. Suzie, where is my sandwich?

303. You know, we named baby Oskar

304. before we even knew your Oskar.

305. Well, I'll see you in two days.

306. Ha, thanks so much, Suzie. You're a lifesaver.

307. It will be fun having a baby around the boarding house.

308. Yeah, sure, as long as it stays out of my way.

309. (LAUGHING) Oskar.

310. Oskar. What?

311. I was talking to the baby.

312. Oh. Suzie, I'm hungry.

313. Make me a sandwich.

314. I can't right now. I have to give the baby a bath.

315. What for? It's not going any place.

316. Oh, Oskar. What?

317. All I want is a sandwich.

318. As long as the baby is here,

319. he's going to have to come first. But, Suzie,

320. what about me?

321. Argh!

322. Oskar, please? What?

323. I have to practice.

324. You're not the only person in this house.

325. All you ever think about is yourself.

326. What's wrong with that?

327. Oh, Suzie, it's crying again.

328. Well, then pick him up and hold him for a minute.

329. Not going to pick it up. It smells.

330. He probably needs a new diaper. Can you just...

331. Oh, come on, Suzie, that's disgusting.

332. There is nothing disgusting about it.

333. It's perfectly natural, and stop calling him "it".

334. He's not an it, he's a he and his name is Oskar.

335. That's another thing. It took my name,

336. and now every time you say Oskar,

337. I think you're talking to me

338. but it's always that little brat.

339. Get your own.

340. Oskar.

341. Suzie, where's my breakfast?

342. I'm sorry, Oskar. I'll get it in a minute.

343. But I'm hungry now.

344. I know, but I'm feeding the baby right now.

345. Well, why can't you feed him later?

346. I'm your husband. You're supposed to take care of me.

347. Oskar, please. You're a grown man,

348. and he's just a baby. That's his problem.

349. Just stop being so ridiculous.

350. When're you going to grow up and be responsible?

351. I'll do it tomorrow.

352. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

353. That's all I ever hear from you.

354. What's wrong with tomorrow? It's a good day.

355. Oh, sure. It's a good day for you.

356. Tomorrow is a grand day for you

357. because tomorrow is the day you'll get a good job.

358. Tomorrow is the day you'll pay the bills.

359. Tomorrow is the day you'll grow up and acting responsible,

360. but tomorrow never comes for you does it, Oskar,

361. because it's always so conveniently a day away.

362. Right, it's always a day away,

363. just like that song the little orphan girl sings.

364. What about today, Oskar?

365. And what about yesterday,

366. when I needed your help, you just loafed around

367. the house. When I was trying to take care

368. of the cleaning, and the bills, and the baby,

369. all you could do was whine, and moan, and ask me to make you a sandwich.

370. That's right and you never did.

371. Because I was busy!

372. You expect everyone else to take care of you.

373. Oh, come on. I don't expect

374. everyone else to take care of me.

375. Just you.

376. Oh, Oskar! (TELEPHONE RINGS)

377. Hello. (INAUDIBLE)

378. Oh, Mr. Budnik. Hello. Right now?

379. Well, inventory, yes...

380. I understand but I have...

381. Time and a half.

382. Well, yes, Mr. Budnik, I'll be there in 20 minutes.

383. Oskar?

384. Are you talking to me or that rugrat?

385. Now listen to me carefully,

386. I have to go to work for a few hours.

387. I would have said no, but we really need the money.

388. So, you're going to have to take care

389. of the baby until I get home tonight.

390. Oh, come on, Suzie. Why can't you take it to work with you?

391. You know I can't take a baby

392. to the department store with me.

393. Now it's only for a few hours.

394. He'll probably sleep

395. most of the time any way.

396. Nancy's instructions are on the table and you can call me.

397. But, Suzie... Oskar, just do this for me, please.

398. Suzie!

399. Hey, Mr. Kokoshka. Oh, Arnold.

400. How's my little buddy?

401. The thing is I still have some work to do

402. on my project for the science fair... But, Arnold,

403. I don't know anything about babies.

404. And Suzie left me all alone with it.

405. Please help me.

406. Hello, Oskar, you old goat.

407. Ready to play cards? (CHUCKLES)

408. Mr. Kokoshka, what're you doing?

409. It's my daily card game.

410. But, what about the baby?

411. Oh, don't worry. It won't bother us.

412. Okay, who's ready to lose some money?

413. That's 20 to you, Oskar.

414. Okay, I see your 20...

415. And I raise you 30 more.

416. But Oskar, you don't have enough chips here.

417. Oh, no problem. I bet the baby.

418. Mr. Kokoshka!

419. You can't bet the baby. Can he?

420. Why can't I? It's got to be worth something.

421. You can sell it to an orphanage.

422. That's it. I've had it.

423. I can't play poker with a baby crying

424. and fussing all the time.

425. Yeah, and it smells. P-U!

426. We'll see you next week, Oskar. Oh, come on, guys.

427. I can put the baby in the hallway.

428. Just a few more hands.

429. Hmm.

430. A royal flush, are you happy now?

431. We have to do it, Mr. Kokoshka.

432. If we don't, he's just going to keep crying.

433. I would have helped but I was still dizzy.

434. It was horrible, wasn't it?

435. Look, it's almost 7:00. I really have to go.

436. But Arnold, please.

437. How can you just abandon a baby like this?

438. I have to go Mr. Kokoshka.

439. I can't miss the science fair,

440. and besides, he's not my responsibility.

441. He's yours.

442. But Arnold, I can't be alone with it.

443. I don't even know how to take care of a baby.

444. Suzie should be home any minute.

445. What're you looking at?

446. Why don't you say something?

447. You can't do anything.

448. You expect everyone to take care of you.

449. What're you good for? Nothing.

450. What can you do? Nothing.

451. Just cry, and whine and moan

452. and make a mess for other people to clean up.

453. Oh, you think that's funny?

454. Maybe it's funny for you but it's not funny for me

455. because I'm the one who has to take care of you now.

456. Okay, you blow a bubble. You think that's funny?

457. (LAUGHING) Okay, so maybe it's a little funny,

458. but I still don't like you.

459. Hey, let go. You got a pretty strong grip.

460. Well, you think that's funny too, huh?

461. So, what do you think?

462. You like Cat Chow in the fifth race?

463. Okay, we put $10 to win on Cat Chow.

464. Hey, what's wrong?

465. Are you hungry again?

466. Hey, you don't look so good. (HICCUPS)

467. What's the matter?

468. Stop. Stop making that noise. You're scaring me.

469. Where is everybody?

470. Taxi! To Bingo...

471. Out of my way! Ow!

472. To the hospital. Hurry!

473. Oh, great!

474. Why does the pope have to be in town today?

475. We'll be here forever.

476. Hey, come back here!

477. Wait.

478. This horrible Czechoslovakian man...

479. My baby is sick.

480. If only I took better care of him.

481. If only I was more careful.

482. But I made him sick,

483. and it's all my fault.

484. I was responsible. Please let him be all right.

485. If you make him all right,

486. I promise from this day

487. I only go to the race track two days a week.

488. Oh, and I'm sorry what I said about the Pope.

489. You... (GRUNTS)

490. Mr. Kokoshka. Mr. Kokoshka!

491. Baby Oskar is okay?

492. A-okay.

493. He had a minor case of the hiccups.

494. The hiccups? (GURGLING)

495. Baby Oskar... (CHUCKLING)

496. Thanks so much, Suzie. I hope he wasn't too much trouble.

497. Not at all. Oskar and I just loved having him.

498. Didn't we? Eh.

499. Can you say good-bye?

500. Say bye-bye.

501. Say bye-bye. Go on.

502. What is it baby? What do you want?

503. Oh, my... I think he likes you.

504. I think Oskar likes the baby too.

505. Don't you? Ah, he's okay.

506. Thanks again for everything.

507. Oh, Oskar. What?

508. I love you.

509. If you love me then make me a sandwich.

510. Oh, Oskar.