Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law 3x7

Directed by Richard Ferguson-Hull

When Cavey Jr.'s school refuses to teach evolution, Captain Caveman turns to Harvey to defend the hairy little boy's right to an education. Harvey does not only have to prove evolution but also explain the existence of a talking caveboy. As if that's not enough, Harvey also suffers his latest existential crisis at the hands of Reducto.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. UH, CLASS, PLEASE OPEN YOUR SCIENCE BOOK TO

2. CHAPTER 23.

3. THAT'S PAGE 666...

4. OH, GOODNESS.

5. WHY DON'T WE JUST SKIP ON TO 24, HUH?

6. MR. FELDER?

7. YES?

8. CHAPTER 23 WAS ABOUT EVOLUTION.

9. UH, ISN'T THAT IMPORTANT?

10. UH...

11. MMM.

12. I SUPPOSE SO...

13. IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN ETERNAL DAMNATION.

14. HA HA— WHICH WE'RE NOT!

15. WELL, AREN'T HUMANS DESCENDED FROM PREHISTORIC CAVEMEN?

16. YOU KNOW WHAT?

17. I THINK WE COULD ALL DO A MUCH BETTER JOB OF NOT HEARING YOU IF

18. YOU STOOD OVER IN THE CORNER.

19. BUT— NOW!

20. OK, SINCE THE TOPIC'S BEEN RAISED—

21. IT MIGHT BE USEFUL TO REMIND

22. EVERYONE THAT...

23. CREATED ADAM AND EVE

24. FULLY FORMED— AND FULLY CLOTHED, OF COURSE.

25. THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS CAVEMEN.

26. CLASS, CLASS,

27. SETTLE DOWN.

28. HARVEY ATTORNEY HABEAS CORPUS

29. MARVEY ATTORNEY HARVEY BIRDMAN

30. ATTORNEY AT LAW ♪ [CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

31. TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP]

32. YEAH, FELL THAT TIME.

33. DOESN'T MEAN SHE'LL FALL NEXT TIME.

34. AGAIN, PLEASE.

35. OH, I'M ALMOST CONVINCED.

36. THEORY IN PROCESS OF BECOMING FACT.

37. AGAIN.

38. CAPTAIN...

39. CAVEMAN!

40. SEE?

41. GRAVITY.

42. IT'S JUST BUNK.

43. NOW, ABOUT THE FIG NEWTON.

44. WAS THAT YOURS?

45. CAPTAIN...

46. CAVEMAN!

47. WHAT THE...

48. MAY I HELP YOU?

49. UNGA BUNGA.

50. AHEM.

51. OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, WE'LL BE HERE ALL DAY.

52. MIND IF I, UH...

53. PLEASE.

54. WE WERE AT HOME THE OTHER NIGHT, AND OUR SON—

55. UNGA BUNGA.

56. HIS SON.

57. HE'S LIKE A SON TO ME.

58. ANYWAY, CAVEY JUNIOR COMES HOME FROM SCHOOL IN TEARS.

59. HE TOLD US HIS SCHOOL REFUSES TO TEACH EVOLUTION AND THAT ALL THE

60. CHILDREN ARE MAKING FUN OF HIM.

61. THEN THEY STUCK THIS ON ALL THEIR SCIENCE BOOKS.

62. OF COURSE, I FIND THIS SIMPLY OUTRAGEOUS AND, FRANKLY,

63. UNCONSTITUTIONAL.

64. NOT TO MENTION BACKWARD.

65. PLEASE DON'T SAY "BACKWARD."

66. OK, CAVEY JUNIOR, WE'RE GOING IN THERE AND DEMAND

67. YOU RECEIVE A PROPER EDUCATION.

68. PEANUT, IF WE'RE GOING TO WIN THIS CASE, I NEED PROOF.

69. PROOF OF WHAT?

70. UH...

71. EVOLUTION.

72. I'D LOOK ELSEWHERE FOR THAT.

73. AS GOVERNOR OF THIS STATE, IT'S MY SOLEMN OBLIGATION TO BAR

74. YOU FROM ENTERING THIS SCHOOLHOUSE.

75. WHAT'S HE SAYING?

76. I'M NOT SURE, BUT I THINK THAT MAN

77. HAS A WATER CANON— THEY'VE LEFT US NO CHOICE

78. BUT TO APPEAL TO A JURY OF YOUR PEERS...

79. OR, IN YOUR CASE, A JURY OF YOUR, UM...

80. DESCENDANTS.

81. NOW, HOW WILL I PROVE EVOLUTION?

82. HILL TOWN, 3 POINTS!

83. OH.

84. OH.

85. HIGH!

86. YES?

87. PEANUT, WE'RE DUE IN COURT.

88. DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ON EVOLUTION?

89. NO.

90. ACTUALLY, HARVEY, BUT IT HAS SOMETHING ON ME.

91. I'M SORRY, WHAT?

92. I SAID I THINK WE'RE VERY, VERY CLOSE TO DISCOVERING THE

93. MISSING LINK.

94. THERE IT IS!

95. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY, THE QUESTION BEFORE YOU

96. BESIDES POINTING TO TRADITIONAL

97. FOSSIL FORMS OR DNA POLYMORPHISMS OR TONSILS OR

98. DOMESTICATED ANIMALS OR GENE SEQUENCES OR MALE NIPPLES

99. OR COMMON SENSE, HOW DOES ONE PROVE EVOLUTION?

100. MAYBE ONE CAN'T.

101. BUT, WHAT ONE CAN DO IS TEACH ALL COMPETING THEORIES AND TRUST

102. THAT PEOPLE'S INNATE INTELLIGENCE WILL LEAD THEM

103. TO THE RIGHT CONCLUSION.

104. WHAT?

105. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I ASK YOU, DO YOU THINK YOU ARE

106. DESCENDED FROM APES?

107. FROM FILTHY ANIMALS COVERED IN FUR?

108. HAIR EVERYWHERE ON THEIR BODY?

109. HAIR THAT GROWS BACK EVEN IF WE SPEND HOURS EACH DAY REMOVING

110. ONE BY ONE ANY OFFENDING FOLLICLE FROM OUR FACE OR CHEST,

111. OR WORSE, BACK, WITH TWEEZERS OR DARE I SAY MORE PAINFUL METHODS

112. LIKE HARSH DEPILATORY CREAMS OR SUGAR WAXING—

113. FULL BRAZILIAN!

114. I WOULD LIKE TO CALL MY FIRST AND ONLY WITNESS,

115. HARVEY BIRDMAN, TO THE STAND.

116. TELL THE COURT IF YOU WILL WHERE YOU, MR. BIRDMAN,

117. FIT ON THAT CHART.

118. WELL, I'D BE RIGHT THERE NEXT TO THE MAN.

119. HERE?

120. YES, BUT CLOSER TO THE BIRD MAYBE.

121. SO...

122. HERE?

123. NO, NO.

124. CLOSER TO THE MAN.

125. TO THE BIRD.

126. TO THE MAN.

127. LOWER!

128. HIGHER!

129. OH!

130. NOTHING FURTHER.

131. TELL THE COURT, MR. BIRDMAN, WHERE DO YOU FIT IN?

132. FULL BRAZILIAN!

133. YES, MR. BIRDMAN, WHERE DO YOU FIT IN?

134. SOMEONE WHO WALKS SOMEONE WHO TALKS

135. TELL ME WHO PLEASE

136. TELL ME WHO AM

137. I ♪

138. HELLO.

139. WHAT'S THIS?

140. 10 COMMANDMENTS, YO.

141. OUTRAGEOUS.

142. THIS IS A COURTHOUSE.

143. A HOUSE OF COURT, NOT SOME HOLDING GROUND FOR

144. STONE DECALOGUES.

145. DECA— DECALOGUES IS RIGHT, RIGHT?

146. THAT'S—DECA IS 10.

147. YES.

148. OH.

149. CHISELER, I COMMAND YOU TO STOP!

150. ALL RIGHT, BE THAT WAY.

151. CHISEL ME THIS, CHISELER,

152. ONE, I AM MENTOK, THE MINDTAKER.

153. THOU SHALT HAVE NO OTHER MINDTAKERS BEFORE ME.

154. TWO, THOU SHALT HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MINDTAKER.

155. 3, THOU SHALL NOT BEAR— CAN YOU SLOW DOWN A TINY BIT?

156. WELL, HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU TO CHISEL?

157. JIMINY CHRISTMAS EATIN' A CRACKER!

158. OH, DON'T WRITE THAT!

159. PEANUT, I'M IN A REAL BIND HERE.

160. HAVE YOU COME UP WITH ANYTHING?

161. I NEED MORE MONEY.

162. FOR WHAT?

163. RESEARCH.

164. YEAH, YOU KNOW, IN THIS CASE, SINGLES ARE GONNA BE BETTER

165. BECAUSE, WELL, THERE'S TRIXIE AND THERE'S MISTY AND PIXIE

166. AND...

167. HO HO, LITTLE DIXIE.

168. THERE'S 40.

169. OH, AND IF I WERE YOU, I MIGHT THINK ABOUT CALLING THE

170. WOO-WOO TO THE STAND.

171. THE WOO-WHOO?

172. A TALKING APE.

173. PRETTY INTERESTING STUFF IF YOU ASK THE PEANUT.

174. COULD I HAVE THAT?

175. THANK YOU.

176. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY, I GIVE YOU A...

177. TALKING GORILLA.

178. HA!

179. SAY SOMETHING!

180. WELL, UM...

181. THERE WAS MENTION MADE OF PUDDING SNACKS.

182. AND I LOVE PUDDING.

183. A TALKING GORILLA.

184. A TALKING GORILLA!

185. DON'T YOU PEOPLE SEE, TALKING GORILLA.

186. LINKS NO LONGER MISSING.

187. EVOLUTION RIGHT HERE.

188. TAKE A PICTURE.

189. EH.

190. SIGH.

191. THAT YOU, BIRDMAN?

192. YOU KNOW, NOW IS NOT A GREAT TIME.

193. YOU GET THAT THING I SENT YOU?

194. NO.

195. NO, I DIDN'T.

196. I NEVER GET THAT THING YOU SEND ME.

197. I'VE NEVER GOTTEN THAT THING YOU SENT ME, AND I'M BEGINNING TO

198. WONDER WHETHER YOU EVER ONCE SENT ME ANYTHING.

199. WHILE I'M AT IT, IF I HAD GOTTEN THAT THING YOU

200. SENT ME—EVER—I DOUBT I'D BE INTERESTED IN WHAT IT SAID.

201. OH!

202. HUH.

203. HEY.

204. HO.

205. I—I'M SORRY.

206. LOOK, I MADE A MISTAKE.

207. YEAH.

208. IT SEEMS I DID GET SOMETHING EARLIER TODAY.

209. YOU DID?

210. HE GOT THAT THING I SENT HIM!

211. YOU'RE IN SIXTH GRADE, CAVEY, ARE YOU NOT?

212. YES, SIR.

213. IS THIS YOUR SCIENCE TEXTBOOK FROM SCHOOL?

214. YES.

215. TELL US WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT EVOLUTION IN THAT BOOK.

216. WELL, OUR TEACHER DOESN'T WANT US READING THAT CHAPTER,

217. SO I REALLY CAN'T— BUT YOU READ IT ANYWAY,

218. DIDN'T YOU?

219. YES.

220. THAT'S RIGHT.

221. EVEN THOUGH YOUR TEACHER DIDN'T WANT YOU TO, YOU READ IT.

222. WHY?

223. BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO DISOBEY?

224. NO.

225. OR IS IT BECAUSE THERE'S A MIND, A HUNGRY MIND INSIDE

226. THIS—THIS HAIRY LITTLE BODY.

227. A MIND, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THAT SEEKS THE TRUTH,

228. THAT CRAVES KNOWLEDGE.

229. NO.

230. I'M SORRY, WHAT?

231. NO.

232. I READ IT BECAUSE EVOLUTION IS COVERED ON THE FEDERALLY

233. MANDATED NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND TEST I HAVE TO PASS TO MOVE UP

234. TO THE NEXT GRADE.

235. OH.

236. SO...

237. YEAH.

238. THEY SCREW YOU COMING AND GOING.

239. HMM. I SEE.

240. FAIR ENOUGH.

241. WELL, I THINK IT'S PRETTY CLEAR WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

242. I HEREBY UPHOLD THE SCHOOL'S RIGHT TO NOT TEACH EVOLUTION.

243. AND SINCE THERE IS NO EVOLUTION, I FIND THAT YOU TWO, THE HAIRY

244. ONE AND THE UH—YEAH, YOU— DON'T EXIST.

245. BOO!

246. UNGA BUNGA?

247. I DON'T KNOW.

248. JOKING!

249. GOD!

250. YOU DIDN'T REALLY THINK THAT I AGREED WITH—

251. OH.

252. THAT'S A REAL WHIZ-GIGGER!

253. HA HA HA!

254. TEACH WHATEVER YOU WANT!

255. YOU DO HAVE TO WEAR THIS DISCLAIMER STICKER THOUGH...

256. IF YOU EXIST— WHICH YOU DON'T!

257. BUT, SERIOUSLY, WEAR THE STICKER.

258. HERE'S SOME GUM.

259. WELL, EVERYBODY, I THINK WE CAN SAFELY SAY WE'RE

260. HAPPY TO BE DONE WITH THAT BUSINESS.

261. GUESS WHO'S BEEN FIGHTING

262. PREHISTORY ALL DAY.

263. REMEMBER WHEN WE WENT BACK IN TIME THROUGH THAT HOT TUB AND I

264. WAS DOING TOURS, AND WE CAME BACK, ONLY SOMEONE FORGOT TO

265. CLOSE THE PORTAL AND ALL THE SAVAGES AND DINOSAURS CAME BACK

266. WITH US?

267. AND NOW, WHOO BOY, AM I THIRSTY—NOT FROM FIGHTING

268. THE MASTODONS AND PTERADONS, BUT FROM THIS LONG NARRATIVE.

269. WHO'S GOT A NICKEL FOR A GUY?

270. THANKS, SISTER.

271. YOU CAN HAVE A HIT.

272. NO BACKWASH.

273. HUH.

274. WONDER HOW LONG THAT'S BEEN THERE.

275. HA HA HA.

276. [CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE