Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law 3x11

Directed by Richard Ferguson-Hull

Lewis Black as The Deadly Duplicator (voice)

An insight look into working at Sebben and Sebben.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. CONGRATULATIONS!

2. YOU'VE MADE THE DECISION TO GRAB THE BRASS RING, TO JOIN THE

3. PROUDEST WORKFORCE IN THE INDUSTRY, THE LEADERS IN THEIR

4. FIELD, THE STRONGEST, THE PROUDEST, PEOPLE AT THE PINNACLE

5. OF THEIR PROFESSION— IN A WORD, "WINNERS."

6. AS THE SAYING GOES, "WINNERS TAKE ALL."

7. AND NOW, FIRM PRESIDENT, MR. PHIL KEN SEBBEN.

8. OH, HELLO!

9. I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE!

10. I WAS TOO BUSY COUNTING MONEY.

11. SOMETIMES I STAY UP 13, 14 HOURS A DAY AND I STILL CAN'T KEEP UP.

12. EVER GET A PAPER CUT FROM A $7,000 BILL?

13. DOESN'T TICKLE.

14. BUT THAT'S NOT FOR YOU TO WORRY ABOUT.

15. NO, YOU'RE JUST AN ORDINARY EMPLOYEE WHO WILL NEVER BE

16. BURDENED BY HUGE SUMS OF MONEY.

17. HOLD PLEASE.

18. GOMER ON MY WING!

19. FOX 1.

20. FOX 1.

21. MAYDAY, MAYDAY, MAYDAY!

22. OVER THE NEXT SEVERAL MINUTES, YOU'LL LEARN ALL ABOUT

23. YOUR NEW COMPANY, HOW IT FUNCTIONS, AND ITS PLANS FOR THE

24. FUTURE, BUT FIRST, THE HISTORY.

25. TO UNDERSTAND THE HISTORY OF SEBBEN & SEBBEN THE COMPANY, YOU

26. MUST FIRST UNDERSTAND THE HISTORY OF PHIL KEN SEBBEN THE

27. MAN.

28. BORN INTO THE SQUALOR OF MIDDLE CLASS AMERICA, YOUNG PHIL, OR

29. PHIL, AS HE WAS KNOWN THEN, SPENT MUCH OF HIS CHILDHOOD IN

30. THE WORKSHOP OF HIS FATHER, A CRAFTSMAN SPECIALIZING IN THE

31. FASHIONING OF POINTY STICKS FOR THE WELL-TO-DO.

32. IT WAS THERE HE LEARNED THE VALUE OF HARD WORK, HELPING HIS

33. FATHER CARVE, SAND, AND BURNISH THE CUSTOM-MADE SHARP STICKS.

34. WHEN HE CAME OF AGE, PHIL WAS DRAFTED AND SERVED A TOTAL OF 8

35. HOURS OF DUTY IN AN ELITE BOMB DISPOSAL UNIT.

36. IS THAT ONE RED OR PINK?

37. CAN'T TELL.

38. THE HELL WITH IT.

39. THAT'S BETTER!

40. YEP, RED.

41. HEY, LOOK, IT'S LOOSE!

42. DISCHARGED, PHIL TURNED HIS PRODIGIOUS ENERGIES TO

43. SINGLE-HANDEDLY PILOTING THE "OUTRAGEOUS" TO VICTORY IN THE

44. AMERICA'S CUP, PULLING HIS OWN SLED TO FIRST PLACE IN THE

45. IDITAROD, WINNING THE SWEDISH VASALOPPET, THE PARIS TO DAKAR

46. ROAD RALLY, AND PLACING FIRST IN THE WORLD'S STRONGEST MAN

47. COMPETITION.

48. BUT THESE ADVENTURES, LIKE ALL ADVENTURES, HAD TO END.

49. PHIL RETURNED, HE DONNED A GRAY FLANNEL TUXEDO, AND ENTERED THE

50. WORKFORCE.

51. AND THEN IT HAPPENED, THE ACCIDENT THAT WOULD BOTH GIVE

52. PHIL KEN SEBBEN HIS MOST DISTINGUISHING FACIAL

53. CHARACTERISTIC, AND SEND HIS LIFE ON AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT

54. COURSE.

55. SOON, PHIL HAD GROWN A MOUSTACHE TO COVER THE SCAR, AND WORKING

56. TIRELESSLY FOR MONTHS ON HIS OWN CASE, HE SUCCESSFULLY SUED THE

57. MAKER OF THE BINDER CLIP, AND WITH THAT MONEY, STARTED HIS OWN

58. LAW FIRM WITH HIS TWIN BROTHER BILL, WHOM WAS NOT WORTH

59. MENTIONING UNTIL THIS POINT.

60. WHICH BRINGS US TO THE PRESENT DAY.

61. SEBBEN & SEBBEN IS ONE OF THE MOST SUCCESSFUL LAW FIRMS IN THE

62. COUNTRY, BUT SEBBEN & SEBBEN IS SO MUCH MORE, MORE POTENT AND

63. POWERFUL AND FRIGHTENING.

64. THE AFFILIATED COMPANIES OF SEBBEN & SEBBEN, LEADERS IN

65. INDUSTRY, WORLDWIDE—

66. BUT NO MATTER WHAT WE DO, IT ALL

67. COMES DOWN TO THE COMPANY'S ONE MISSION STATEMENT.

68. TO HELP EMPLOYEES REMEMBER THE

69. MISSION STATEMENT, IT HAS BEEN PRINTED ON THIS HANDY KEY FOB

70. AND ETCHED ON THIS GOLDEN DISK OF PHIL KEN SEBBEN WHICH IS

71. BASED ON AN ORIGINAL FREDERIC REMINGTON DESIGN AS INTERPRETED

72. BY THOMAS KINKADE...

73. AND SENT INTO SPACE ATOP THE MIGHTY SATURN V ROCKET, ALONG

74. WITH IMAGES OF LIFE— YOUR NEW LIFE AT SEBBEN &

75. SEBBEN.

76. PLACE JUICER BOWL ON MOTOR HOUSING.

77. PLACE STRAINER BASKET INSIDE THE BOWL, MAKING SURE IT RESTS ON

78. THE CENTER SPOOL.

79. INSERT CUTTER BLADE AND TIGHTEN WITH HEX NUT.

80. NOW YOU ARE READY TO JUICE.

81. AS A NEW EMPLOYEE OF SEBBEN & SEBBEN, YOU CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE

82. OF A CAREFULLY MANAGED 401(K) PLAN.

83. SO I'LL JUST PUT MY SAVINGS IN THIS DIVERSIFIED INDEX FUND.

84. SAFE AND SOUND.

85. IT'S 1985, BIRDMAN, WAKE UP!

86. THE SMART MONEY'S GOING INTO S&Is, LIKE THAT ONE!

87. YOU MEAN LINCOLN SAVINGS & LOAN?

88. RIGHT.

89. S&Is ARE UNKILLABLE.

90. YOU EVER SEEN "IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE"?

91. EVEN THAT BAILEY BASTARD COULDN'T SCREW IT UP—

92. AND THE REST ON GIFT CERTIFICATES.

93. AND EXCITING WORK/LIFE PROGRAMS LIKE BLIMPSHARE,

94. FORKSHARE, AND WITH OUR UNIQUE FLEX HOURS PROGRAM, YOU CAN

95. START YOUR DAY AT 8:14 OR EVEN 7:55, SO LONG AS IT'S CUTTING

96. INTO YOUR TIME, WE'RE FLEXHOURIBLE!

97. FINALLY, THERE'S A WIDE ARRAY OF DAILY TOILET PAPER

98. ALLOWANCE; CHAIRS, FOR EARNERS; SUBSIDIZED PENS; AIR, FOR

99. EARNERS; UNRESTRICTED INTEROFFICE PHONE CALLS;

100. PICKED-OVER REMNANTS OF MEETING MUFFINS, BY THE PRINTER; TWO-WAY

101. STAIRS; A MOSTLY PEST-FREE ENVIRONMENT; FREE PASSES TO

102. ALREADY FREE EVENTS; BIKRAM FILING; TAKE YOUR MISTRESS TO

103. WORK DAY; EMERGENCY EXITS, FOR SENIOR PERSONNEL ONLY.

104. OFFICE SUPPLIES.

105. THESE WILL BE YOUR OFFICE PENCIL SHARPENERS,

106. TWO; 3-HOLE PUNCH, TWO; SHREDDERS, TWO; STAPLES, TWO;

107. STAPLER, ONE.

108. OH, CRAP!

109. FOLDERS, TWO; PAPERCLIPS, TWO.

110. YOU WILL GET TWO OF EVERYTHING.

111. DON'T TELL ME TWO OF SOME THINGS IS TOO MUCH AND TWO OF OTHER

112. THINGS ARE TOO LITTLE.

113. I DON'T CARE!

114. FOR I AM THE DEADLY DUPLICAT— PROPER CONDUCT AND BUSINESS

115. ATTIRE.

116. AT SEBBEN & SEBBEN, WE TAKE ETHICS AND PROPER BUSINESS

117. CONDUCT SERIOUSLY.

118. QUITE SIMPLY, THERE'S THE WRONG WAY TO DO THINGS, AND THEN

119. THERE'S THE SEBBEN & SEBBEN WRONG WAY.

120. TAKE THESE REAL LIFE SITUATIONS...

121. HEY, GUYS, WE'RE A LITTLE LOW ON OVERHEAD, SO I KNOW!

122. LET'S INFLATE OUR BILLABLE HOURS!

123. WHAT THE EMPLOYEE SHOULD HAVE SAID IS...

124. HEY, GUYS, AND LADIES, WE'RE A LITTLE LOW ON OVERHEAD, SO I

125. KNOW!

126. LET'S INFLATE OUR BILLABLE HOURS!

127. LET'S SEE ANOTHER EXAMPLE.

128. HI, I'M PEANUT.

129. YOU CAN BE BUTTER, AND, OH, GOSH, I GUESS YOU'LL BE JELLY.

130. AND THIS IS JUST OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD—

131. HOW ABOUT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH?

132. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

133. THE CORRECT WAY IS...

134. HI, I'M PEANUT.

135. YOU CAN BE BUTTER, AND, OH, GOSH, I GUESS YOU'LL BE JELLY.

136. AND THIS IS JUST OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD—

137. HOW ABOUT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH?

138. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

139. THE DIFFERENCE?

140. THIS TIME, HE'S UNPLUGGED THE SECURITY CAMERA IN THE CORNER,

141. WHICH MEANS THERE'S NO EVIDENCE OF THIS ENCOUNTER.

142. COMMUNICATION.

143. HELLO.

144. I AM STANDING IN FRONT OF THE HEART OF THE SEBBEN & SEBBEN

145. COMMUNICATIONS SYSTEM.

146. LET US SAY YOU HAVE A THING TO SEND.

147. SIMPLY FILL OUT THIS ROUTING FORM BY LISTING WHAT YOU ARE

148. SENDING, TO WHOM, THE DATE YOU ARE SENDING IT, THE DATE YOU

149. WANT IT RECEIVED, OR GOTTEN, AND THE WEIGHT OF THE THING YOU ARE

150. SENDING.

151. THEN, PLACE THE ITEM INTO ONE OF THESE CANISTERS.

152. UNDER YOUR DESK, YOU WILL FIND AN ARRAY OF NOZZLES.

153. REFERRING TO YOUR LAMINATED COLOR-CODED MAP, SIMPLY FIND THE

154. COLOR OF THE AREA YOU WANT THE THING SENT TO.

155. CAREFULLY, CAREFULLY, OPEN THE TUBE AND INSERT THE CANISTER.

156. MAKE SURE YOU HAVE CLOSED THE NOZZLE DOOR FIRST.

157. INSIDE THE TUBE, YOUR COMMUNIQUE WILL REACH SPEEDS UP TO 14,768

158. MILES PER HOUR...

159. A MODEL OF SPEED AND EFFICIENCY

160. THAT GUARANTEES THAT YOU WILL NEVER AGAIN HAVE TO ASK IF

161. SOMEONE HAS RECEIVED THE ITEM, OR MORE COMMONLY, THING, THAT

162. YOU HAVE SENT TO THEM.

163. AND NOW, ANOTHER MESSAGE FROM OUR FOUNDER AND PRESIDENT,

164. MR. PHIL KEN SEBBEN.

165. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

166. THANK YOU, ALL OF YOU IDIOTS, YOU RUBES, YOU SUCKERS, YOU

167. EMPLOYEES OF SEBBEN & SEBBEN.

168. GOD, HOW MUCH MORE STUPID, HOW LOATHSOME AND DENSE, HOW

169. EXECRABLY GULLIBLE— OH, YOU'RE STILL HERE.

170. SHOULDN'T YOU BE UP AT WORK BY NOW?

171. COME ON, GET UP!

172. UP, UP, UP, UP, UP!

173. HOW MUCH TIME DOES IT TAKE TO TRAIN SOMEONE AROUND HERE, FOR

174. CHRI— TRAINING—

175. IT ISN'T JUST FOR YOUR FIRST DAY.

176. IT SHOULD BE!

177. THE ONLY WAY SEBBEN & SEBBEN CAN GROW, IS IF ITS EMPLOYEES

178. GROW.

179. THAT'S WHY WE OFFER A WIDE ARRAY OF TRAINING PROGRAMS PRESENTED

180. BY EXPERTS IN THEIR FIELD— TOPICS LIKE "ACCELERATING

181. PRODUCTIVITY,"PASSING THE BUCK,"PASSIVELY AGGRESSIVE OR

182. AGGRESSIVELY PASSIVE, WHICH IS RIGHT FOR YOU?", "MENTORING,"7

183. HABITS OF HIGHLY FLATULENT PEOPLE."

184. AND FINALLY, OUR UNIQUE APPROACH TO THE SENSITIVE TOPIC OF SEXUAL

185. HARASSMENT.

186. I'D LIKE TO GO DOWNTOWN FOR A CREAM SODA, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I

187. MEAN.

188. I'M FEELING VERY UNCOMFORTABLE...

189. IN MY PANTS.

190. SEBBEN & SEBBEN GIVES BACK TO THE COMMUNITY IN A NUMBER OF

191. WAYS— OUR SUPPORT OF THE ARTS,

192. FEATURING THE ANNUAL SEBBEN & SEBBEN SHAKESPEARE FESTIVAL.

193. TO DIE, TO SLEEP.

194. TO SLEEP, PERCHANCE TO DREAM.

195. AYE, THERE'S THE RUB.

196. HA, HA, RUB!

197. FOR IN THAT SLEEP OF DEATH WHAT DREAMS MAY COME

198. MUST GIVE US PAUSE AND MAKE US BEAR THOSE—

199. I FORGOT.

200. I KNOW I'M DEPRESSED ABOUT SOMETHING.

201. MOTHER DEAD?

202. NO, FATHER DEAD, MOTHER ALIVE— KIND OF A SEXY THING WITH THE

203. MOM.

204. UNCLE PROBABLY KILLED MY FATHER, GIRLFRIEND CRAZY AS A LOON, HER

205. FATHER A CHATTERBOX.

206. I KILLED HIM.

207. THIS IS ALL TOO COMPLICATED.

208. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY,

209. PROVIDING THE RESOURCES FOR INDIVIDUAL EMPLOYEES TO SET UP

210. THEIR OWN CHARITY WORK, LIKE THE PETER POTAMUS HOME FOR HOT UNWED

211. MOTHERS.

212. CLEANING YOUR JUICER.

213. UNPLUG JUICER FROM SOCKET.

214. DISASSEMBLE THE UNIT AND WASH PARTS WITH COOL OR COLD WATER.

215. MILD DETERGENT MAY BE USED IF DESIRED.

216. WE'RE BUILDING THE LAW FIRM OF TOMORROW, TODAY, COMBINING OUR

217. UNIQUE APPROACH OF INVENTING NEW IRREFUTABLY LEGAL-SOUNDING

218. WORDS...

219. OK, WHAT ELSE WE GOT?

220. REARENDJOINDER?

221. OH, I GOT ONE— PUBERTUITIY.

222. CUSTOM-MAKING HAND CRAFTED, ARTISAN QUALITY EVIDENCE; AND

223. PRODUCING GRIPPING, FICTITIOUS RE-ENACTMENTS IN SEBBEN POINT

224. ONE SURROUND SOUND.

225. AND THE TREND SETTING JURY REWARDS PROGRAM, PATENT PENDING,

226. WE'LL SOON BE ABLE TO LITERALLY GUARANTEE A WIN FOR OUR CLIENTS.

227. YOU'RE ALMOST READY TO GO TO YOUR NEW DESK AND JOIN THE PROUD

228. RANKS OF SEBBEN & SEBBEN, BUT BEFORE YOU DO, YOU NEED TO LEARN

229. THE KEY TO OUR SUCCESS, THE SEBBEN & SEBBEN WAY.

230. THERE ARE 5 SIMPLE STEPS TO SUCCESS AT SEBBEN & SEBBEN:

231. IDENTIFYING THAT THING.

232. THAT THING.

233. SETTING YOUR SIGHTS ON THAT THING.

234. THAT THING.

235. REACHING FOR THAT THING.

236. THAT THING.

237. GETTING THAT THING.

238. YOU GOT THAT THING.

239. RECOGNITION FOR GETTING THAT THING.

240. CONGRATULATIONS.

241. EXCUSE ME.

242. I GOT TENSION.

243. AND NOW, A FINAL MESSAGE FROM OUR FOUNDER AND PRESIDENT,

244. MR. PHIL KEN SEBBEN.

245. I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE 10 MINUTES AGO!

246. YOU KNOW WHAT?

247. GET OUT OF HERE!

248. YOU'RE FIRED!

249. SO WELCOME, NEW EMPLOYEE!

250. MAY YOUR CAREER HERE BE LONG AND FRUITFUL.

251. NO, REALLY, YOU'RE FIRED.

252. LEAVE.

253. HA HA HA!

254. RIGHT TO WORK STATE.

255. [CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE