Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law 2x11

Directed by Richard Ferguson-Hull

When Quick Draw McGraw pulls out his trusty six-string in an attempt to put the El Kabong kibosh on the Dalton Gang, he gets hauled off to the hoosegow. So he turns to noted constitutional law expert Harvey Birdman to defend his right to keep and bear guitars. Meanwhile, Harvey's boss, Phil Ken Sebben, takes $12 billion from the powerful guitar lobby to fund his presidential campaign. Not that that would make him beholden to them. And Peanut and Baba Looey get into trouble when they get their hands on Quick Draw's private guitar arsenal.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. FREEZE!

2. PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM!

3. DO IT!

4. - UGH!

5. - CARE TO TELL ME WHAT THIS IS?

6. - UGH!

7. - YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.

8. - KAH!

9. UGH!

10. CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

11. - DEBBIE? SEND IN THE NEXT APPOINTMENT.

12. - HI, SENOR BIRDMAN?

13. - AVENGER, IT WORKED!

14. - THANK YOU. - A PHONE BOOK AD.

15. WHO HABLA ESPANOL? WE DO!

16. - NO, I— - N.S., GOT IT.

17. YOU COME HERE, ALL TEEMING MASSES,

18. TRY TO MAKE A LIVING, SUPPORT THE FAMILY,

19. AND THEN JOHNNY LAW SWOOPS IN.

20. ROGER.

21. - NO, IT IS MY FRIEND, QUICK DRAW.

22. THEY ARRESTED HIM.

23. - WELL, WHAT WAS YOUR FRIEND DOING?

24. - ARRESTING SOMEONE. - A-HA.

25. HMM, ARRESTED FOR ARRESTING SOMEONE.

26. HMM.

27. I DON'T SEE THAT ONE IN HERE.

28. - NO, NO, NO.

29. HE WAS CHARGED WITH CARRYING A CONCEALED WEAPON.

30. - I SEE. SAWED-OFF SHOTGUN, TEC-9?

31. - A 6-STRING CLASSICAL SPANISH GUITAR.

32. - OUCH!

33. HE'S LOOKING AT SOME HARD TIME, AMIGO.

34. I'LL TAKE THE CASE!

35. WE'LL HAVE YOUR BRONCO OUTTA HERE IN NO TIME.

36. MR. DRAW, I'M HARVEY BIR—

37. - RIGHT OF THE PEOPLE TO KEEP AND BEAR ARMS,

38. MR. BIRDMAN, SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED.

39. - OOH, WAIT! DON'T TELL ME!

40. I'VE HEARD THAT SOMEWHERE.

41. - SECOND AMENDMENT. - RIGHT!

42. MOSES—

43. - EVERY DAY, THE GOVERNMENT ISSUES A NEW RESTRICTION,

44. CHIPPING, CHIPPING AWAY AT A RIGHT GUARANTEED

45. BY THE CONSTITUTION.

46. IT'S A SLIPPERY SLOPE, MR. BIRDMAN,

47. LEADING US INEVITABLY TOWARD CHAOS AND ANARCHY.

48. - EXCUSE ME, IS THAT A GUN?

49. - YES.

50. - THEY DON'T MIND YOU HAVING THAT

51. IN THERE WITH YOU?

52. - HASN'T BEEN A PROBLEM.

53. - HARVEY, GET IN HERE!

54. GUESS WHO'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT?

55. - UM...

56. - YUP, IT WAS THE GUYS FROM THE GUITAR LOBBY'S IDEA.

57. THEY GAVE MY CAMPAIGN $12 BILLION.

58. NOW I DON'T HAVE TO PANDER

59. TO ANY OTHER LARGE, POWERFUL LOBBYING GROUPS TO WIN.

60. - PHIL, A PAT ROBERTSON IS HERE TO SEE YOU.

61. - I'LL MEET HIM IN THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM.

62. BIRDMAN, I NEED YOU TO NOTARIZE THIS.

63. - SURE, WHAT IS IT? - NOTHING SPECIAL.

64. SOME DENTAL RECORDS, A PAY STUB OR TWO.

65. OH, AND DON'T FORGET THAT ONE.

66. - CONGRESSIONAL MEDAL OF HONOR?

67. - WHEN I DIE, I'LL GO TO HEAVEN,

68. 'CAUSE I'VE SPENT MY TIME IN HELL.

69. GRENADA, '83.

70. WELL, ME AND THE BOYS ARE OFF TO THE GUITAR RANGE

71. TO TALK STRATEGY.

72. HO HO, WATCH OUT, THAT'S A LOADED—

73. - AH, PEOPLE, THANK YOU.

74. I—I—I'VE BEEN PLAYING AROUND WITH THAT ONE,

75. I KINDA LIKE IT, TOO.

76. ALL RIGHTY, THEN, LET'S GET STARTED.

77. MR. BIRDMAN.

78. - OUR FOUNDING FATHERS...

79. GUARANTEED US CERTAIN PROTECTIONS.

80. FREEDOM OF SPEECH, FREEDOM OF RELIGION,

81. THE FREEDOM TO OWN AND PLAY

82. STRINGED INSTRUMENTS OF ALL KINDS.

83. THOSE FOUNDING FATHERS DIDN'T PLACE RESTRICTIONS

84. ON THESE FREEDOMS.

85. THEY DIDN'T SAY,

86. "THE RIGHT TO PLAY GUITAR SHALL NOT BE VIOLATED,

87. "EXCEPT WHEN USED TO PLAY GREEN DAY'S TIME OF YOUR LIFE

88. OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN THE COMMON AREA OF YOUR DORM."

89. NO!

90. WHERE WILL THESE RESTRICTIONS END?

91. A BACKGROUND CHECK WHEN YOU WANT TO TAKE UP THE BANJO?

92. A 5-DAY WAITING PERIOD TO BUY A TELECASTER?

93. AN ALL-OUT BAN ON THE FLYING V?

94. OR DARE I SAY, WHAMMY BAR?

95. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY,

96. IT IS UP TO YOU TO DEFEND OUR RIGHT TO KEEP AND BEAR GUITARS.

97. - YES, OUR FOUNDING FATHERS WERE CERTAINLY COMFORTABLE

98. WITH THE IDEA OF THE LUTE OR THE FIDDLE,

99. BUT HOW COULD THEY HAVE FORESEEN THE FRETLESS BASS?

100. NO, THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY OF THEM TO IMAGINE

101. A TIME WHEN MEN WOULD WALK THE STREETS

102. BRANDISHING EDGAR WINTER'S SPECIAL EDITION

103. PORTABLE KEYBOARDS WITH STANDARD MIDI INTERFACE.

104. DON'T LOOK AT ME!

105. AND WHILE THE GOOD PEOPLE OF THE NATIONAL GUITAR ASSOCIATION

106. MIGHT LIKE YOU TO THINK OTHERWISE,

107. DO YOU REALLY THINK WE'D ALL BE SAFER

108. IF EVERYONE WERE WALKING AROUND WITH A SUNBURST RICKENBACKER

109. IN THEIR POCKET?

110. AAH! YOU ASKED FOR IT!

111. - YOUR HONOR, I'D LIKE TO CALL—

112. - OOP, SORRY, MY BAD. I DID—

113. I FORGOT, I HAVE TO DO A MAGIC SHOW FOR MY NEPHEW IN 5,

114. AND I'M GOING TO NEED AN ASSISTANT.

115. WOO-WOO! HARVEY, LET'S GO.

116. YAY!

117. - OW.

118. - MAKE A RABBIT DISAPPEAR. - DO A TRICK!

119. - NO, GOT SOMETHING MUCH BETTER.

120. BOO-WOO, YOU!

121. YOU'RE GOING TO DIE IN 23 YEARS OF A CORONARY EMBOLISM.

122. YOU, YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE IN TUSCANY WITH YOUR MOTHER

123. AND YOUR BOYFRIEND!

124. YOU, TELEMARKETER. YOU, LIGHT FM RADIO DJ.

125. YOU, YOU WILL RAISE POODLES,

126. AND NOT THE BIG KIND THAT WIN PRIZES,

127. NO, THE ANNOYING LITTLE KIND THAT GO BAP-BAP-BAP.

128. - GET YOUR STINKING PAWS OFF ME, YOU DAMN DIRTY KIDS!

129. - MR. QUICK DRAW, TELL ME,

130. WHAT DO YOU DO?

131. - I'M A SHERIFF.

132. A COWBOY SHERIFF.

133. - ON A STEEL HORSE YOU RIDE.

134. TELL ME, WHEN YOU WERE ARRESTED FOR CARRYING A CONCEALED WEAPON,

135. WHAT WAS IT YOU WERE DOING?

136. - TRYING TO APPREHEND A SUSPECT.

137. THE DALTON GANG.

138. - WANTED FOR CARD-CHEATIN,' CATTLE-RUSTLIN,'

139. AND...

140. RUNNING A CRYSTAL METH LAB.

141. - THAT'S RIGHT.

142. - AND THIS DALTON GANG, WERE THEY CARRYING WEAPONS?

143. - YES, THEY WERE.

144. RIFLES.

145. - WHILE YOU, A SHERIFF, ARE ISSUED—

146. JUST THIS!

147. - SO, YOU WERE CARRYING THIS?

148. THIS WEAPON HERE SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU FELT UNDER-ARMED...

149. - HMM.

150. - IN THE LINE OF DUTY, IS THAT CORRECT?

151. - YES, YES, IT IS.

152. - NOTHING FURTHER.

153. - SHERIFF McGRAW,

154. WHO'S PAYING FOR YOUR DEFENSE?

155. - I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOU MEAN.

156. - LAWYERS COST MONEY.

157. THIS ALL COSTS MONEY.

158. WHO'S PAYING FOR IT?

159. - DON'T PUSH ME, MR. REDUCTO.

160. - OR WHAT?

161. YOU'LL PULL OUT

162. ANOTHER CONCEALED INSTRUMENT?

163. - OBJECTION!

164. OVERRULED!

165. - YOU WERE SAYING...

166. - I DON'T KNOW. - I DO.

167. IT'S THEM! THOSE MEN!

168. THEY'RE PAYING FOR YOUR DEFENSE.

169. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SINCE THE GUITAR LOBBY IS PAYING

170. FOR THIS PROCEEDING,

171. I SUGGEST WE ALL SIT BACK, RELAX, AND WAIT

172. FOR THE INEVITABLE VERDICT.

173. - UH, NOT GUILTY!

174. I MEAN, COURT'S ADJOURNED!

175. - I'M PHIL KEN SEBBEN.

176. YOU MAY NOT KNOW ME, BUT I HAVE $12 BILLION HERE

177. THAT SAYS YOU'LL VOTE FOR ME REGARDLESS.

178. - OH, ALMOST FORGOT.

179. I'VE TAKEN EVERY DRUG KNOWN TO MAN,

180. AND NOT JUST ORALLY.

181. JUST GETTIN' THAT OUT THERE.

182. - PAID FOR BY THE PEOPLE WHO GAVE PHIL KEN SEBBEN $12 BILLION.

183. - LOOK OUT!

184. - WOW! I REALLY LIKE YOUR HOUSE, BABA.

185. IT'S NEAT!

186. HEY, WHAT'S THAT?

187. - OH, THAT'S QUICK DRAW'S GUITAR COLLECTION.

188. WE ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO TOUCH IT.

189. - WHY NOT? - WELL...

190. - UH-HUH, GOT IT.

191. UH, JUDGE, A SPECIAL REQUEST.

192. MY CLIENT WOULD LIKE TO MAKE HIS OWN CLOSING STATEMENTS.

193. - UGH!

194. GO AHEAD!

195. - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY,

196. I RESPECTFULLY ASK YOU,

197. WHAT'S THE FIRST THING A DICTATOR DOES

198. UPON SEIZING POWER?

199. - WAIT, WAIT! I KNOW!

200. PUT ON A SILLY MILITARY UNIFORM?

201. BOO-WOO! - STALIN!

202. MUSSOLINI! MAO TSE-TUNG!

203. EVERY ONE OF THESE DESPOTS—

204. THEIR FIRST ACT WAS TO OUTLAW AND CONFISCATE PRIVATE WEAPONS.

205. WHY?

206. SO THEY CAN HAVE ABSOLUTE POWER

207. AND ROLL OVER THE CITIZENRY

208. WITHOUT SO MUCH AS ONE FINGER LIFTED AGAINST THEM.

209. AND THAT IS WHY I WILL NEVER GIVE THIS UP.

210. YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PRY THIS GUITAR, DAMMIT!

211. PRY IT FROM MY COLD, DEAD HOOF.

212. - SHAKE HAND, KISS BABY. SHAKE HAND, KISS BABY.

213. SHAKE HAND, KISS HAND, SHAKE BABY.

214. SHAKE BABY, KISS HAND, SHAKE BABY.

215. SHAKE BABY, KISS HAND.

216. - HAS THE JURY REACHED A VERDICT?

217. - UM...

218. AHEM. WE FIND THE DEFENDANT... NOT GUILTY.

219. - GOSH, HOW DOES IT WORK?

220. BABA LOUIE? BABA LOUIE!

221. WAKE UP! WAKE UP, LITTLE FRIEND!

222. YOU'RE NOT GONNA LEAVE THIS WORLD.

223. - WELL, WE WON THE CASE.

224. - I LOST THE ELECTION!

225. - AWW.

226. - TURNS OUT YOU CAN'T FOOL SOME OF THE PEOPLE ANY OF THE TIME.

227. EITHER THAT OR IT WAS THE CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT

228. TO DECRIMINALIZE SLOPPY BLOW—

229. - MR. BIRDMAN, FOR ALL THAT YOU DID IN DEFENDING

230. NOT JUST MY RIGHTS, BUT THE RIGHTS OF ALL AMERICANS

231. TO KEEP AND BEAR GUITARS,

232. I PRESENT YOU WITH THIS GIFT.

233. - I'M... HONORED.

234. - IT'S A REPEATING GUITBOX MADE IN 1870,

235. USED IN THE AMERICAN WEST.

236. OUT THERE, GUITARS LIKE THIS DIDN'T ENFORCE THE LAW...

237. THEY WERE THE LAW.

238. I DIDN'T WRITE THAT, IT WAS ON SOME ASSHOLE'S WEBSITE.

239. I... WISH I'D WRITTEN IT.

240. IT'S A GOOD LINE.

241. THEY... WERE THE LAW!

242. THEY—WERE THE LAW!

243. OUT THERE,

244. THEY DIDN'T ENFORCE THE LAW,

245. THEY...

246. WERE... THE LAW!

247. OH, GOD, THAT'S GOOD.

248. - HEY, LOOK! REAL GUN. CAN I SEE THAT?

249. CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

250. CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE —www.ncicap.org—