Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law 1x2

Directed by Vincent Waller

Gary Cole as Judge Hiram Mightor (voice) • Stephen Colbert as Civilian #1 / Juror (voice) • Maurice LaMarche as Apache Chief / Announcer (voice) • Jack Angel as General / Drunk Man / Additional Voices (voice) • Michael Bell as Zan (voice)

Ex-Superfriend Apache Chief accidentally spills a latte on his lap and loses his super-ability to "grow large at will." With Harvey as his attorney, he sues Javalux.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. THROUGH THE COLD DEPTHS OF SPACE,

2. A GIANT SPACE METEOR STREAKS TOWARDS EARTH.

3. GET ME THE SUPERFRIENDS.

4. THAT'S NOT GOOD.

5. WHERE ARE THE SUPERFRIENDS?

6. I AM A SUPERFRIEND.

7. LET'S SEE HERE,

8. IT SAYS APACHE CHIEF, ORGAN DONOR.

9. FAB-TABULOUS.

10. WELL, THEN, LISTEN,

11. DON'T LET ME STOP YOU FROM USING YOUR, UH,

12. HEAT VISION, IS IT? ON THE METEOR.

13. THAT'S NOT MY SUPERPOWER.

14. MAGIC TOMAHAWK?

15. DREAMCATCHER?

16. WARMER.

17. HE'S GOING TO LEG-WRESTLE IT.

18. THERE IT IS! A METEOR!

19. IS THAT GAULTIER? EXCUSE ME.

20. ENUCH-CHUK!

21. WHOA-HO!

22. THAT FIRE BALL WON'T BE HURTING ANYONE NOW.

23. ENUCH-CHUK.

24. HURRAY!

25. YOU'RE WELCOME.

26. COFFEE, PLEASE.

27. ALL RIGHT, THAT'LL BE $1.87.

28. I'M SORRY, CHIEF, NO CREDIT CARDS.

29. SEEMS SOME IDIOT RIPPED

30. OUR TELEPHONE POLE OUT OF THE GROUND.

31. WELL, I THINK I HAVE CHANGE.

32. AH! MY LAP! MY LAP!

33. CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP AND U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

34. IN CONCLUSION,

35. WE'RE WILLING TO ACCEPT YOUR OFFER

36. TO REDUCE THE CHARGE FROM INDECENT EXPOSURE

37. TO SECOND DEGREE NUDEY-GROOVING.

38. YES?

39. AN APACHE CHIEF TO SEE YOU, MR. BIRDMAN.

40. WHICH ONE?

41. HE SAYS THAT'S HIS NAME.

42. APACHE CHIEF, OF COURSE.

43. SEND HIM IN.

44. THE BIG CHIEF!

45. WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO, BRO?

46. WELL, THERE'S BEEN LESS AND LESS

47. SUPERHERO STUFF LATELY, SO MOSTLY FREELANCING.

48. YEAH, I KNOW HOW THAT CAN BE.

49. SAY, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE SOMETHING HOT TO DRINK?

50. OH, NO! NO!

51. PLEASE, GOD, NO.

52. OH, DON'T BE SILLY. NO TROUBLE AT ALL.

53. AVENGER?

54. SO, WHAT'S UP?

55. WELL, I SAVED THE TOWN THE OTHER DAY AND...

56. I SAVED THE TOWN.

57. AND ANYWAY, AFTERWARDS I THOUGHT,

58. "MAN, A COFFEE WOULD BE NICE."

59. BUT I SPILLED IT ON MY LAP.

60. MM-HMM.

61. AND WOW, IT WAS HOT.

62. ON MY LAP.

63. I'LL BET.

64. HOTNESS.

65. CROTCH.

66. OUCH.

67. YEAH, I—OHH.

68. ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY...?

69. I CAN NO LONGER ENLARGE.

70. OHH! OHH!

71. LET'S ALL GO TO THE MOUNTAINS, HUH?

72. I'LL TAKE THE CASE!

73. NOTHING, HUH?

74. NOT EVEN FIRST THING IN THE MORNING?

75. A LITTLE NEENY-NEENY?

76. Apache Chief: YOU THINK WE HAVE A CHANCE?

77. IT DEPENDS WHO THE OTHER ATTORNEY—

78. REDUCTO.

79. BACK OFF!

80. I'VE GOT A SHRINK GUN.

81. WHO TOUCHED MY ANKLE?

82. GUN!

83. YOU THINK I DON'T SEE?

84. YOU THINK I DON'T FEEL YOUR EYES

85. LIKE GRUBBY LITTLE FINGERS,

86. LITTLE CHILDREN'S FINGERS ON MY BODY?

87. BACK OFF! I'LL MAKE YOU TEENSY!

88. YOU! PUT THAT POPGUN AWAY!

89. WHEN I WAS A KID,

90. IF SOMEONE BRANDISHED A SHRINK GUN,

91. HE'D GET A LITTLE BIT OF RESPECT.

92. SHRINK GUN!

93. MR. REDUCTO, HOLD YOUR FIRE.

94. OPENING ARGUMENTS.

95. THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR.

96. WHEN I SAY THE WORD, "SUPERHERO,"

97. WHAT NAMES COME TO MIND?

98. WONDER WOMAN, AQUAMAN, SUPERMAN, BIRDMAN.

99. THESE ARE NAMES—

100. EXCUSE ME, I DON'T THINK OF BIRDMAN.

101. NOT MY POINT.

102. BECAUSE LAST WEDNESDAY,

103. WHEN THOSE OTHER HEROES WERE UNAVAILABLE,

104. IT WAS A LESSER HERO WHO ANSWERED THE CALL.

105. EVEN WITH...

106. APACHE CHIEF SAVED THE TOWN FROM DESTRUCTION,

107. THEN WENT FOR A COFFEE.

108. AND MY CLIENT WAS NOT WARNED THAT THE COFFEE WAS HOT.

109. FIGHT IT. FIGHT IT!

110. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,

111. BUT HOT THINGS IN MY LAP MAKE ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

112. OK!

113. AND TODAY YOU'LL HEAR HOW THIS HERO WHO COULD,

114. BEFORE THE ACCIDENT, GROW MANY, MANY TIMES HIS NORMAL SIZE

115. AND REMAIN THAT WAY ALL DAY IF NECESSARY,

116. A PROUD, UNBENDING, ROCK-HARD PILLAR OF JUSTICE,

117. A RIGID STAFF OF LIBERTY,

118. THAT HERO IS LEFT LIFELESS.

119. HE IS NOTHING NOW.

120. SO SMALL.

121. YOU'LL ALSO HEAR FROM HIS PEERS, LESSER HEROES ALL...

122. HOW DEVASTATING THE LOSS OF POWERS CAN BE.

123. MR. REDUCTO. YOU'RE UP.

124. WHAT KIND OF STINKING SUPERHERO LOSES HIS POWERS

125. TO A CUP OF COFFEE IN THE CROTCH?

126. THAT'S ALL I HAVE.

127. STATE YOUR NAME FOR THE RECORD.

128. BLACK VULCAN.

129. MR. VULCAN, TELL US ABOUT YOUR SUPERPOWER.

130. PURE ELECTRICITY.

131. IN MY PANTS.

132. SORRY, MAN.

133. TELL US, WHAT WOULD LIFE BE LIKE WITHOUT YOUR POWERS?

134. WELL, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS

135. WHEN THE POWER GOES OUT IN YOUR HOUSE?

136. IT WOULD BE LIKE THAT, ONLY IN YOUR PANTS.

137. INDEED. YOUR WITNESS.

138. ISN'T IT TRUE THAT THE REASON

139. YOU LEFT THE SUPERFRIENDS

140. IS BECAUSE YOU WERE FIRED?

141. FIRED.

142. FIRE!

143. WHY?

144. THEY SAID IT WAS SOME SORT OF BUDGET THING.

145. BUT I THINK IT'S BECAUSE I COMPLAINED

146. THAT THEY WERE ALWAYS PAIRING ME UP WITH A WHITE SUPERFRIEND.

147. LIKE I WAS GOING TO START SUPERLOOTING

148. THE MINUTE THEY WEREN'T WATCHING.

149. AND YOU THINK I NAMED MYSELF "BLACK VULCAN"?

150. HELL, NO!

151. I USED TO GO BY "SUPERVOLT."

152. "BLACK VULCAN" WAS AQUAMAN'S IDEA.

153. AND I SAID, "WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST CALL YOU WHITEFISH."

154. IN YOUR STATEMENT DATED SEPTEMBER 20-SOMETHING,

155. THE DAY IN QUESTION,

156. YOU STATED THAT YOU HAD EXPRESS KNOWLEDGE

157. OF ONE OF THE MORE FAMILIAR SUPERFRIENDS' WHEREABOUTS,

158. A WONDER WOMAN, I BELIEVE?

159. THAT'S CORRECT. SHE WAS AT HOME.

160. ANY IDEA WHY SHE WOULDN'T HAVE ANSWERED

161. THE TOWN'S DISTRESS CALL?

162. WELL, SHE SAID SHE REALLY NEEDED SOME "ME" TIME,

163. SO SHE UNPLUGGED HER COMMUNICATOR AND TOOK A BATH.

164. HOW DO YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW THIS?

165. I WAS— I WAS THE BATH WATER.

166. FORM OF A WASH RAG.

167. I'D LIKE TO CALL APACHE CHIEF TO THE STAND.

168. TELL US, WHY DID YOU BECOME A SUPERHERO?

169. TO HELP PEOPLE.

170. AND THAT YOU DID. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

171. VIDEOTAPED EVIDENCE WHERE YOU WILL SEE,

172. WITH YOUR OWN EYES, VISUALLY,

173. MY CLIENT HELPING "PEOPLE."

174. LOOK! APACHE CHIEF HAS GROWN GIANT,

175. AND HE'S WRESTLING THE RADIOACTIVE BLOB TO THE DEATH!

176. APACHE CHIEF'S GROWN GIANT,

177. AND HE'S WRESTLING THE ATOMIC STANDARD-SIZED POODLE TO THE DEATH!

178. IT'S ON HERE, RIGHT?

179. WHY, AS YOU CAN SEE,

180. THE APACHE CHIEF'S JUGGLING 3 BOULDERS

181. AND HAS SUCCEEDED IN SHOCKING AND DELIGHTING THE SPACE DRAGON!

182. SO YOU'RE STILL WITH THE SUPERFRIENDS?

183. NO.

184. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR MONEY?

185. ODD JOBS TO GET BY.

186. GETTING BY.

187. MM-HMM.

188. HMM.

189. OH.

190. INCREDIBLE.

191. SO, AS WE SEE FROM THIS TAPE, YOUR POWER WAS...

192. GROWING LARGE, AT WILL,

193. ESPECIALLY IN THE MORNINGS.

194. COULD YOU DEMONSTRATE THAT FOR US NOW?

195. NO, I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GROW

196. SINCE I BURNED MYSELF ON THE WINTER BLEND.

197. A MAN WHO STOOD SO TALL, NOW SO SMALL.

198. NOTHING FURTHER.

199. I'LL HAVE A BRANDY ALEXANDER.

200. WE'RE WILLING TO SETTLE.

201. PUT DOWN THE FIZZY GUN!

202. WHAT'S THE OFFER?

203. $1.89.

204. IT'S NOT THE MONEY, REDUCTO.

205. IT WAS NEVER ABOUT THE MONEY.

206. MR. SUPERHERO, HOW CAN WE EVER REPAY YOU?

207. DO YOU WANT TO BE SHRUNK?

208. YEAH, WHEN IT COMES RIGHT DOWN TO IT,

209. DON'T WE ALL JUST WANT TO BE THANKED?

210. NO ONE WANTS TO BE SHRUNK.

211. THAT'S THE POINT, IT'S A SHRINK GUN.

212. BACK OFF!

213. YEAH, I THINK THIS WHOLE THING WOULD GO AWAY

214. IF HE SOMEHOW FELT APPRECIATED.

215. HMM. I'M SCHEMING.

216. THIS IS MY SCHEMING FACE.

217. FIRST I RAISE THIS EYEBROW,

218. AND THEN—

219. BACK OFF!

220. Judge Mightor: MR. REDUCTO, YOU'RE UP.

221. BUT MAKE IT FAST. THE DOGS ARE PLAYING TENNESSEE.

222. I WOULD LIKE TO CALL

223. THE MANAGER OF THE JAVALUX COFFEE SHOP,

224. SYBIL SUSSLER.

225. THAT'S A HARD NAME TO SAY.

226. MISS SUSSLER,

227. HOW LONG HAVE YOU MANAGED THIS COFFEE SHOP?

228. 3 YEARS.

229. AND IN THAT TIME, HOW MANY PEOPLE

230. HAVE BURNED THEMSELVES IN YOUR ESTABLISHMENT?

231. JUST ONE.

232. SO, YOU'D SAY THAT YOUR PRODUCTS ARE SAFE.

233. WELL, NO.

234. SOME ARE ACTUALLY QUITE HOT.

235. OBJECTION!

236. SHE'S YOUR WITNESS.

237. EH? OH, RIGHT.

238. WELL, SHUT UP!

239. I'M AFRAID I CAN'T SHUT UP.

240. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THIS MAN IS WRONG.

241. THE SUPERFRIENDS ABANDONED HIM,

242. AND WE IGNORED HIM.

243. OBJECTION.

244. MY SCHEME IS WORKING.

245. THERE MAY BE MORE FAMOUS SUPERHEROES,

246. BUT I, FOR ONE, WOULD NOT BE SITTING HERE TODAY

247. WERE IT NOT FOR HIS SELFLESS HEROISM.

248. OBJECTION!

249. AND WHEN THEY ARE READY,

250. I WILL TELL MY CHILDREN OF THE DAY

251. THAT HUMBLE MAN SAVED OUR TOWN!

252. Apache Chief: ENUCH-CHUK!

253. CHIEF GOT HIS TEPEE BACK.

254. CASE DISMISSED.

255. I WIN! I WIN! I WIN! I DON'T LOSE! I WIN!

256. OH, HELL.

257. SO WHAT NOW, MY FRIEND?

258. WELL, THE GUYS AND I HAVE BEEN TALKING,

259. AND WE'RE THINKING

260. ABOUT FORMING OUR OWN GROUP.

261. Black Vulcan: YEAH, THE MULTICULTURE PALS!

262. APACHE CHIEF!

263. BLACK VULCAN!

264. THAT'S "SUPERVOLT."

265. JUAN GIGANTE,

266. THE NEGOTIATOR AND HIS SUPER-SIDEKICK

267. PITSELEH,

268. THE FRENCH TICKLER,

269. AND JESSE JACKSON.

270. MULTICULTURE PALS!

271. MANY HEROES!

272. ONE VOICE.

273. YOU KNOW, WE COULD ALWAYS APPEAL.

274. THAT IS OK, MY FRIEND.

275. I MAY HAVE LOST THE CASE,

276. BUT I GAINED SO MUCH MORE.

277. CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP AND U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

278. CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE —www.ncicap.org—