Harley Quinn 1x7

1. Aw. And that's one chipmunk we'll never forget.

2. In other news, evil sorceress, Queen of Fables,

3. won a huge ruling today when a judge found her imprisonment in a US Tax Code

4. to be cruel and unusual punishment.

5. They always use that same damn picture.

6. Better than the picture they use of me.

7. Hey, at least they're letting you out soon.

8. Are we still gonna get our weekly coffees?

9. If I'm not too busy getting my fuck on.

10. So, what's the update with the Legion of Doom?

11. Nada. Same as last week.

12. Who do I gotta blow up to get an invite?

13. Easy. Find the thing the Legion wants most,

14. and then you get it for yourself.

15. All right, I've got a two o'clock with an independent contractor

16. who keeps his receipts in a fuckin' ALF lunch box.

17. Bane, Sinestro, Grodd,

18. I mean, even Joker.

19. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know what they look like.

20. - What's your point? - That they've all tried and failed

21. to steal Kord Industries' game-changing weather machine.

22. Which is why we are gonna do it.

23. If none of them could steal it,

24. that seems like a pretty good indicator that we should not try.

25. But if we succeed, it will make the Legion so furious,

26. they'll have to notice us.

27. I sent Clayface to do some recon.

28. My character was a sassy divorcee...

29. Can we please not do the unnecessary backstory thing?

30. - ... named Brenda... - Okay.

31. who is back in the dating game for the first time in a while,

32. and she's decided to get adult braces.

33. - Of course she did. - I know what you're thinking.

34. It's a little expensive on a secretary's salary,

35. but no! You can't put a price on a smile.

36. So she threw caution to the wind—

37. Clayface! Intel!

38. The machine is being protected by 1,000-ish lasers,

39. according to head scientist Jerome Stansfield,

40. who may or may not be heartbroken when Brenda

41. does not show up to work tomorrow.

42. How will we ever get past 1,000-ish lasers?

43. Already thought of that. Psycho?

44. S.T.A.R. Labs created a personal force field device

45. that deflects energy.

46. Problem is, the only way to get into the room

47. is through an air duct about four inches wide.

48. I don't know how the hell we're gonna do that.

49. Yeah. I thought that might be an issue.

50. - And? - And I was right.

51. It's a definite issue.

52. Oh, shit, Harley.

53. The news is talking about that book you love.

54. Oh, Clive Cussler's Sahara?

55. Clive Cuss— No.

56. Queen of Fables.

57. Oh, that's right. She's gettin' out today.

58. We are bringing you live to the courtroom

59. where Queen of Fables is being released

60. from her tax book prison of 30 years.

61. Oh, yeah.

62. Damn! Feels good to get out of those pages.

63. Thanks, Zatanna. Thanks, Judge. See ya.

64. Whoa! What the...

65. Watch the robe.

66. You said you were gonna release me!

67. I did. From the tax code.

68. But you're hereby sentenced to serve the remainder of your time in Arkham Asylum.

69. What? That's bullshit!

70. Somebody's gotta do something.

71. She's been stuck in that book for 30 years!

72. Yeah, 'cause she almost destroyed Gotham.

73. Yeah, I think it was more of a lack of affordable housing that destroyed Gotham

74. but, look, Fables has been a mentor to me.

75. She just gets a bad rap.

76. Look. Obviously, I'm not pro-Arkham,

77. but if there was any person who definitely belongs there,

78. it would be the Queen of— Oh, my God. And you're gone.

79. Yeah. She didn't hear any of that shit.

80. How about a light, handsome?

81. Yeah, yeah, sure thing.

82. Aw. Butterfingers.

83. Well, I'll be damned.

84. Aw, I couldn't leave you behind.

85. - Why, thank you, Harley.

86. Let's ride.

87. All right, everyone.

88. I would like to introduce Queen of Fables.

89. She's agreed to help us break into S.T.A.R. Labs.

90. So, yeah. I'm gonna need you to pull something

91. around four inches tall out of your storybook.

92. Sure, but I'm not sure how Prince Charming's dick is gonna help ya.

93. Kinda low hanging fruit. Not even tryin'.

94. I'm just playin' around.

95. After what you did for me,

96. you can have whatever you need, honey.

97. So you can pull any character out of your storybook?

98. Sure can. Who's your favorite?

99. Oh, I'm partial to Humpty Dumpty.

100. Hi, everybody.

101. - Aw. - Oh, my God. It's him!

102. Oh, he's so—

103. He makes the best eggs.

104. - Y'all got a kitchen here, right?

105. Uh, Harley. A moment?

106. What are you thinking?

107. Uh, that the only way to get the Legion of Doom's attention

108. is that weather machine, and she's gonna help me steal it?

109. No, no, no, no.

110. Seriously, you do not want to get involved with this bitch.

111. She's like a real, legit bad guy.

112. Dude, we're all bad guys.

113. Uh, first of all, I care about the environment, okay?

114. I don't know what about that makes me a bad guy.

115. Yeah. Says the girl who dissolved the head of ACE Chemicals

116. in a bath of his own herbicide.

117. Best Earth Day ever. Holla.

118. Fables has been teaching me the ropes of super villainy.

119. You were the one saying I should listen to other people.

120. No. I said listen to me, okay?

121. You're a bad guy but you're a good person.

122. Uh, I don't know, Ive. Bad is bad.

123. Ugh! All right, let me try this again.

124. You're like broadcast bad.

125. She's cable bad.

126. Trust me. You're gonna regret this.

127. I can't listen to you when you're dressed like a '40s housewife

128. who's fucking her husband's boss.

129. I mean, what is with that outfit?

130. What? Oh, I'm just... I'm going out to...

131. - To do environment. - "To do environment"?

132. Ho!

133. Oh, God. Is that a bouquet of roses?

134. You realize that's like handing me a bunch of baby heads, right?

135. Uh, baby heads. With baby bodies.

136. Guess who's one step ahead of you?

137. Kite Man.

138. This is actually very sweet of you, what you've done here.

139. - Yeah, you look bangin'. - Oh, God. You make this so hard.

140. Okay. Are you ready?

141. Uh, did you check out my apartment number?

142. It was a 66. I did a little flip-a-roo

143. on that second numero seis to make it real nice.

144. This was a mistake. We should've just met at the motel again.

145. - I feel like that's more of our jam. - No.

146. No, I was just jokin'.

147. I'm gonna put it back. I'm putting it back. I'll put it back, babe.

148. So, you sure you don't wanna go out for dinner?

149. - Instead of a movie? - What? In a public place?

150. Yeah, I mean, Kite Man likes to peacock.

151. With his peahen.

152. - That's a female peacock. - I understood.

153. Uh, let's do a movie.

154. Okay? Like, definitely, a movie is my choice.

155. Gotcha. Restaurant next time.

156. Nice.

157. Okay, Queen. You're up.

158. Aw. He is precious.

159. But are you sure Cinderella's mouse is up for the job?

160. Ow.

161. That answer your question?

162. It does, but it actually brings up a lot of other questions.

163. All right. We got a personal force field to steal.

164. The hell?

165. Oh, shit.

166. Welcome to the Praxis family reunion.

167. Damn it, that guy ratted us out.

168. - I'm calling off the mission. - Relax.

169. You do your thing. I'll keep them busy.

170. Who likes fairy tales?

171. Mmm-hmm.

172. We did it!

173. Fables, let's go! We pulled off the caper without a—

174. Oh, shit! This is horrifying!

175. I won't be needing these anymore.

176. What did you do?

177. I didn't do anything.

178. All credit goes to the Big Bad Wolf here.

179. But why?

180. You were there. That guy ratted us out.

181. So I killed that guy.

182. Then everyone saw me kill that guy,

183. so I killed everyone.

184. You gotta end the bloodline and prevent any revenge killing.

185. I mean, that's just Evil 101.

186. Uh, I taught that class at Boston College,

187. and we never covered anything this fucked up.

188. All right, guys. Come on. Take a look around.

189. Make sure I got everyone.

190. Make sure they're all dead.

191. Uh, yup. Yup.

192. You killed the shit out of everyone. Let's go.

193. All right. Let me grab the Three Little Pigs to clean this mess up.

194. Oh, they are cu— Oh, Jesus.

195. - There we go. Go get 'em, boys.

196. Come on. The bones, too.

197. - Come on. The bones.

198. You know, no one ever talks about it

199. but it's almost impossible to get brain out of a cape.

200. Did she do the pig thing or...

201. That's a yes. So...

202. You think I was right to be worried?

203. Yes. Oh, my God. Ivy, you were way right.

204. She is... a lot.

205. And so now you're gonna tell her that it's...

206. Over. Yes. I'll tell her.

207. We'll just go back to being friends that do not work together.

208. Boy, that was some fun shit, Harley, huh?

209. Come on. Up top. And guess what?

210. I decided to stick around a little while longer.

211. Help you get that weather machine.

212. Oh, that's too generous.

213. I don't wanna put you out.

214. Nonsense. This is fun.

215. I feel like I'm gettin' my groove back.

216. Oh, and if you liked the pigs,

217. wait till you see the three blind mice eat a body.

218. The mice eat bodies, too?

219. Oh, my God.

220. Those little bastards can just gnaw the shit out of a head.

221. It takes longer 'cause they got those little, you know, mice teeth, the best!

222. Wow. Now, that's fun, Harley, right?

223. That's the kinda stuff you've got ahead of ya.

224. Hey, uh, Fables? We need to talk.

225. Hey, everybody. Check your shoes.

226. Someone stepped in eye. What's up?

227. You know, I appreciate how much of a badass you are,

228. I mean, listen, I consider you a friend and a mentor,

229. - and just a real— - You know what'd be great?

230. If you said what you actually mean.

231. I just... I think maybe you should sit out the weather machine heist.

232. Your style, it's just a little... intense.

233. Oh. I'm sorry.

234. I thought the point was to get the job done.

235. Yeah, but not by murdering innocent people,

236. I mean, it's just a line I won't cross.

237. Oh, you got a line, huh?

238. Hey, guys. She has a line.

239. Superheroes have a line.

240. Teen Titans have a line.

241. We don't give a fuck.

242. Yeah, you know. I think maybe I just give, like, a microscopic fuck.

243. Well, the Legion of Doom gives zero fucks.

244. And if you wanna get in there,

245. you better start pole vaulting

246. over those lines you don't wanna cross.

247. Is that from Mamma Mia?

248. Thank you for your counsel.

249. But I believe this is where we must part ways.

250. I hope we can remain friends.

251. Am I the only one whose asshole's puckering.

252. I think I clayed myself.

253. Okay. I'll be on my merry way.

254. But you're makin' a big mistake.

255. Rapunzel, Rumpelstiltskin.

256. Let's go tear some shit up.

257. Deuces.

258. Bon soir, bro. Rezzy for two.

259. Under "Kite Man."

260. Oh, I'm so sorry, Monsieur Kite Man,

261. but we are a little backed up. It will be about 40 minutes.

262. Uh, excuse me, well then, what's the point of making a rezzy here, bro?

263. I mean, I took my lady out tonight

264. so we can see and be seen!

265. No, its fine. Can we just... Can we just do the movie?

266. - Let's do the movie. - But hon, we're here...

267. I wanted to take you out for din din.

268. Excuse me. Sir, maybe I'm listed under "Man, Kite."

269. Or "The Kite Man," sometimes that.

270. Oh. Okay. Wait. Hang on.

271. I know what happened here.

272. You don't recognize me without the kite.

273. - I'm sorry there. - I think put the kite away maybe?

274. Well, that's actually easier said than done.

275. Um, somebody got an Allen key?

276. Hey, what's he doing here?

277. I thought he was loyal to Fable.

278. He's a mercenary, loyal to the almighty dollar.

279. An adorable little soldier of fortune, isn't he?

280. Huh. I thought you said this thing was protected by a bunch of lasers?

281. That's what the blueprints said.

282. Oh, there they are.

283. Look. If it wasn't lasers, it was gonna be lung cancer.

284. I have never seen a mouse smoke unfiltered,

285. human-sized cigarettes to that degree.

286. Okay, guys, y'know, if my body gets diced up by lasers,

287. I don't know, you do something fun with it,

288. like mail my ear to a random family

289. and say, "We have your daughter."

290. You know, something like that.

291. Hello, Legion of Doom.

292. That's right, Mayor.

293. We'll raise the temperature of Gotham by one degree

294. every minute till ya give us a billion dollars!

295. And you produce Clayface's Fuller House reboot...

296. Fullest House.

297. I have an inexpensive way in...

298. Not more people. A smaller house.

299. You know what you and your crew are, Ms. Quinn?

300. A scourge.

301. Hey, look at that, the Mayor upgraded us

302. from nuisance to "scourge"!

303. Ooh, we skipped over "menace"?

304. That's a big jump.

305. That's what happens when ya steal the unstealable.

306. Thanks for doing that, by the way.

307. I'll be taking that weather machine now.

308. Hey, Mayor, I'll call ya back.

309. You fucked up, Harley.

310. Y'know, I do a lot of that, so you're gonna have to be more specific.

311. You pissed me off

312. and then let me walk away in one piece?

313. Rookie mistake, right, Big Bad?

314. I can't believe you're doing this.

315. I broke you out of Arkham!

316. I even helped ya sign up for Tinder so ya can get your fuck on.

317. I mean, we're friends!

318. Sometimes doing whatever it takes means fucking over your friends.

319. Hand over that weather machine.

320. Over my dead body.

321. All right. How you wanna go?

322. Little Bo Peep could beat the shit outta ya with her shepherd's stick.

323. Just tell me if you want casket open or closed.

324. What the hell kinda fairy tale is he from?

325. Well, from the looks of him,

326. one of those Danish ones that's super racist.

327. He's not with me.

328. Um, anyone have another magical storybook?

329. Shit, I mean, is there a B. Dalton or a Waldenbooks in this motherfucker?

330. Who the hell are you?

331. - I am Jason Praxis. - Who?

332. Last surviving member of the 25th Annual Praxis Family Reunion and Jamboree.

333. - Who? - You murdered all of my family!

334. Oh, shit.

335. - Yeah, I did that.

336. Uh, hey, yeah, I'm just checkin' to see if my buzzer is broken

337. 'cause you said it'd be 45 minutes and it's been 40...

338. Oh. It's been 47.

339. I've got a riddle for you.

340. Who's hungry, but doesn't have a reservation?

341. Monsieur Riddler, looking well. Right this way.

342. Y'know what, it's cool. Let's just... Let's go. Let's get out of here.

343. Uh, maybe you could just drop your name.

344. - I mean, is it weird for me to... - Yeah, a little bit.

345. - I'd rather just not do that... - Totally get it.

346. - Yeah. I mean, you're a very humble person. - No! Don't... Do not...

347. - Do not do that. - Whoa. Babe, did you used to work here or something?

348. Did you fuck the manager?

349. No judgement if ya did. Kite Man is very secure.

350. - Great. - Wait.

351. The sunglasses, the hat...

352. Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?

353. - Can we talk about this somewhere else? - Oh, my God.

354. - No. - You are embarrassed.

355. Is there even lingerie under that trench coat?

356. - Kite Man, look. - No, you Kite Man look.

357. You think I'm some D-list piece of shit

358. that went to REI and bought a hang-glider.

359. I don't think that...

360. But I mean, that is what happened, right?

361. Oh, I'm sorry I can't make plants

362. do all sorts of shit with my mind.

363. We can't all be Poison Ivy!

364. Look! The table's ready. Let's just... Let's go eat.

365. I believe I've lost my appetite.

366. Kite Man, please don't do this.

367. You're the one doing the "this."

368. Ah! I thought you ended the bloodline?

369. I didn't leave anyone alive. Did you see anyone alive?

370. - Eh... - "Eh"? What is "Eh"?

371. I may have seen one person left alive.

372. What? How long have you been sittin'

373. on this little nugget of information?

374. It was nothin'. It was just a little girl...

375. With like a blonde... ponytail.

376. Oh, shit.

377. And that's why you always end the what?

378. The bloodline.

379. The motherfucking bloodline. Yes!

380. My family was close.

381. Not Appalachian hillbilly close,

382. but we leaned on each other.

383. We made each other laugh.

384. That all changed when you showed up.

385. My brothers gone. Aunts, uncles, gone.

386. My cousin twice removed, completely removed!

387. I was so distraught.

388. I threw myself against the electrified fence at S.T.A.R. Labs,

389. but instead of killing me, it...

390. - Gave him powers. - It gave me powers!

391. Every goddamn time. And now he wants to—

392. I seek revenge!

393. - That. - Is there anythin' we can do to make this right?

394. Not unless you can bring my family back from the dead.

395. Hang on. Lemme check. Anyone?

396. Yeah, no, we can't do that. Your second choice?

397. Kill all of you!

398. Ooh, I didn't even know he could do that.

399. I should tell you I woke up this morning with a post-nasal thing,

400. drank a lot of cough syrup and I can't hold this much longer.

401. Is there a third choice, Mr. Praxis?

402. Hand over Queen of Fables and the rest of you can live.

403. All right. Let's come up with a plan here.

404. - Already got one. - Hey, what the—

405. I'm comin' out with the Queen.

406. She's all yours.

407. Hey.

408. Look, I got you a real nine.

409. So you don't have to, like, turn your six upside down to make the, you know, 69.

410. Kite Man, I'm here to apologize.

411. - Apology accepted. - That wasn't the apology part.

412. Oh, right. Then by all means, continue.

413. Okay.

414. I am genuinely sorry for how I acted at the restaurant.

415. I mean, I pretend like I'm this like badass

416. who doesn't care what people think, but...

417. But you do.

418. Right, which is why I said "I pretend."

419. No, no, no, I get it.

420. When you have a superpower like being able to control all plant life,

421. or having a kite, there's just so much you gotta live up to.

422. I love that you think that that's a power.

423. Y'know, it's great.

424. I wish I had that kind of insane level of confidence.

425. It's like, you genuinely do not care what other people think.

426. I care about what you think.

427. Aw, that's really sweet of you to say.

428. And... I care about dat ass.

429. Okay. Look, you're not traditionally the kind of dude I date.

430. Y'know, you're just not.

431. But against all logic and reason, I do like you.

432. Like, like-like?

433. - I mean, we've had sex. - Nice.

434. - Oh, hey. This is my roommate Bill,

435. AKA the Bill-doe.

436. Hey. I'm Ivy.

437. I'm... I'm his girlfriend.

438. Hell, yeah.

439. I'm gonna send your ass to the happily never after, Fables!

440. - Seriously? You liked that?

441. Indeed. Terse. Lucid.

442. Organically wove the theme of his target into the barb!

443. A triumph!

444. I'm gonna get some more cough syrup.

445. C'mon, Harley,

446. you don't have it in you to do this.

447. You have a "line," remember?

448. Yeah. That's what I used to think, too.

449. For House... Praxis!

450. 'Ey, guess what?

451. You're not dead.

452. Force field, baby! I slipped it on your wrist.

453. Damn. You set me up.

454. You tricky bitch.

455. I would never send a friend to her death,

456. even one that tried to screw me over.

457. So, you're just gonna let me go?

458. Yeah. I got the weather machine.

459. I won and I did it my way.

460. I'm a bad guy, not a bad person.

461. You're a dumb person.

462. You're gonna regret letting me walk out of here alive, Quinn.

463. Don't forget your little book.

464. Oh, no. He's waking up and I cannot deal with awkward situations.

465. D-Did I vanquish her?

466. Please, tell me I avenged my family?

467. Uh, yeah?

468. Thank God.

469. I can finally start...

470. - Fables!

471. - Why?

472. Oh, my goodness.

473. Can you believe, with all that ending-the-bloodline talk,

474. I almost forgot this guy? Jeez.

475. All right, now I'm going.

476. So what did I miss?

477. Oh, my God! A lot, I guess.

478. Try "NeilPatrickHarris1."

479. Clayface, is that your personal password?

480. - No. - Okay.

481. - Well, it doesn't work anyway.

482. So, lemme just get this straight.

483. You went through two heists, sacrificed a family

484. and that weird electric guy just to steal an unstealable weather machine,

485. but didn't realize that you needed a password?

486. Ooh, unstealable! Try that.

487. Too many failed log in attempts.

488. Initiating self-destruct.

489. Oh, shit.