Harley Quinn 1x5

1. Please! Please don't! Come on, I got a family!

2. Now, that's just a staging kill,

3. but if volcano sacrifices is your thing,

4. this is the lair for you.

5. - I'll take it! - Great!

6. - I'll draw up the papers— - Aah... You know, on the other hand,

7. is the giant skull a bit too flashy for my brand?

8. Can we see some other options?

9. You'll love this one. A short getaway from all the major banks.

10. Sounds like a dream. Where is it?

11. You're standing on it.

12. An intricate system of tunnels carved by The Mole.

13. I mean, hey, I love it, but am I really going for a "mole lady" vibe?

14. Ah, okay. Next!

15. The last tenant, Mr. Freeze, did a number on the place,

16. but the castle is perfect for entertaining.

17. Hmm, not sure my nips

18. and her buds can handle this cold.

19. You've seen six lairs.

20. Okay, thank you.

21. Let's just discuss this out of the cold.

22. A super villain's lair is a reflection of who they really are.

23. So, who is Harley Quinn?

24. That's a hard question to ans—

25. Harls, you got us uniforms!

26. Ooh, Suicide Squad! Is that our name?

27. Ugh, it's a group that keeps trying to get me to join.

28. I don't want to run lines with you.

29. Good! Because I despise that phrase.

30. People run marathons, not lines.

31. Actors exchange true—

32. Look what Harley got us.

33. Ivy, you're evicted! You and the circus act here

34. need to move out faster than sauerkraut through my lower intestine.

35. Yes, Sy! We're leaving in a minute.

36. Good. I'm showing the place to—

37. That just cost you your security deposit!

38. You know what, why don't I come back another time?

39. No, sorry, sorry, don't go. Don't go.

40. Look, it's just Joker made the big decisions.

41. Okay. How about we ask you

42. some questions and maybe that'll help?

43. Worth a shot. Why did you first become a villain?

44. Well, you know, it's because—

45. There you go. You know this answer.

46. - Uh, well... - You know this.

47. I guess...

48. - I don't know. - Oh, my God.

49. What villain do you most admire?

50. I don't know! - Harley!

51. - Chocolate or vanilla! - I don't know!

52. Harley! I can't help you, until you tell me

53. who you are!

54. - I don't know! I don't know! I don't know!

55. Oh, shit. Harley?

56. - Honey, can you hear me?

57. "Dry clean only." Fuck this.

58. Okay, who broke Harley?

59. Harley, are you in there?

60. Dude?

61. Unmouth her, fiend!

62. I was just trying to give her CPR.

63. Harley, snap out of it! Come on!

64. Ah! No response to physical stimuli.

65. It's probably a level-four brain freeze.

66. Psycho, can you fix her? Like, go in her brain

67. and do the fucking thing.

68. That sounds like something a doctor could do.

69. But not someone you just referred to as "Psycho."

70. Ugh, fine, Dr. Psycho!

71. Yes!

72. Can you fix her?

73. Can I fix her? Of course I can fix her!

74. I'm just gonna slip inside her brain,

75. do my thing, wham-bam, thank you, ma'am—

76. and I'm done in-a two minutes.

77. Oh, fucking gross! You think I'm gonna let you creep around

78. Harley's head without us, you perv?

79. - Yes! Perv! - You're the perv!

80. But, as a professional, I will tell you to prepare

81. because this is serious, meticulous, neuron processing

82. we're about to undertake.

83. Now, everyone hold hands

84. and squeeze your butt cheeks together.

85. Ahh!

86. - Whoa! Everyone okay?

87. - Where's Psycho?

88. Dr. Psycho!

89. What an ugly baby I have birthed.

90. Does he taste like fudge? In my dreams, he does.

91. Huh, Harley's brain is much cleaner

92. and less Harley-ish than I would have imagined.

93. I know! I know. Because this is her Museum of Memories.

94. Oh! Look.

95. You came home late again, Nick,

96. smelling like alcohol and whore.

97. She's just a friend from work.

98. Stop breathing down my neck, Sharon.

99. Can't breathe down what's not there,

100. you cocksucker!

101. Mamma mia!

102. It's pretty good scene work for a six-year-old.

103. I am honored to be the valedictorian,

104. and I just want to thank absolutely no one.

105. - Fuck all of ya!

106. Fuck the principal. Fuck the shop teacher

107. that looks at my ass every time I walk out of class.

108. Yeah, I see you.

109. - Have a great fucking summer!

110. I basically gave the same speech at my sister's wedding.

111. - Ah! Harley! - Oh, hey, guys.

112. Wait. How can Harley be in here

113. if we're in Harley, and if Harley is—

114. Yeah, I wouldn't think too hard about bringing logic for the next 20 minutes.

115. We're just here to give you a hard reboot.

116. Ooh. Ow! - Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, listen up.

117. While I find the switch, you follow hooker rules.

118. - No kissing on the mouth? - I'm sorry.

119. Stripper rules.

120. Look but don't touch.

121. The brain will protect itself if it feels threatened.

122. Hey, Ive, I think there's something really screwed up about me.

123. I want to say this in just the most loving way,

124. but, there's no way that this is just occurring to you now?

125. No, I mean, screwed up on top of the regular screwed up.

126. I mean, why can't I make a decision?

127. Well, we're in your mind right now,

128. so the answer has to be here somewhere.

129. Oh, I remember this!

130. Okay, it's when that bleached asshole pushed me

131. and bleached mine. Look! Look!

132. Hey, it glitched and skipped over Joker pushing me.

133. Wha— It did it again. Did you see that?

134. Whoa, that's weird.

135. It's like a piece of your memory is missing.

136. Ive, this is my origin story. It says so right here.

137. Look, your origin story's how you become who you are.

138. If it's screwed up, no surprise I am.

139. Ugh, let me see this.

140. Reboot time.

141. Um, I, uh, I wouldn't do that.

142. I wouldn't— Oh!

143. No one listens to me!

144. Who touched something? Who did it?

145. Was I not clear about the stripper rule?

146. I was just trying to touch myself!

147. That is a stripper rule.

148. You triggered a brain lockdown.

149. We need to get out of here before—

150. Ah! Before that happens. Now we're trapped.

151. [Sy] Now, this apartment's a beaut.

152. It's got a lot of light. Perfect place for a fami—

153. Jesus Christ!

154. All right, the place isn't ready. You'll come back tomorrow. Tomorrow.

155. Why aren't you moving? Tomorrow, get out. Get out!

156. - You forgot the baby!

157. All right, let's see now.

158. - Let's see. Why do they print the numbers so small?

159. Black Mamba, this is Gerbil, it happened again.

160. No, no, no, no. The fuck? Are we trapped in here?

161. You need to tell me right now if we're trapped in here!

162. 'Cause I'm gonna freak the fuck out!

163. What's gonna happen to my plants, man?

164. Girl, we need to get you friends.

165. "Oh, we wanna come with you.

166. We're afraid you're gonna mind molest her!"

167. Now who's the mind molesters? You!

168. - You are the mind molesters!

169. Ooh, are you lost, little girl?

170. No need for tears, munchkin.

171. I'll help you find your way.

172. Ow! Oh! Oh! Get off me! Oh, stop!

173. This little child is killing me!

174. Why did that sweet little you attack me?

175. Oh, yeah, I wasn't sweet at that age. Or any age, really,

176. but I was a total shit back then.

177. Which is why the brain sent it.

178. It thinks we're intruders.

179. And yes, if we die in Harley's mind,

180. - we die in real life!

181. Ooh, Nightmare on Elm Street rules.

182. Do you have any insights on what we should do here?

183. - Run! Yeah, that's what I was gonna say.

184. Harleys, this is Harley, stop!

185. God, I hate brain physics.

186. Hey, quit it and I'll tell you where Mom hides the makeup.

187. Damn it. I was sure that was gonna work.

188. Come on. Stop fucking around and follow me.

189. We got an elevator.

190. You know, in a way, it's almost, like, comforting to know

191. that you've always been this fucked up.

192. Yeah, isn't it? You know, I'm starting to realize why my mother recycled

193. so many wine bottles back then.

194. Fun as this has been, let's get the fuck out of here, all right?

195. There should be an emergency exit

196. to the real world in Harley's subconscious somewhere,

197. which I think is this button

198. right here.

199. Okay, your stupid fin hit the wrong button, dummy.

200. Do not fin shame me.

201. He must have hit the button to the optic nerve.

202. Ooh, looking through the eyes of another.

203. Now it appears we're playing by

204. Being John Malcovich rules.

205. Another suicide cult.

206. If word gets out, I'll never be able to rent this fakakta apartment.

207. So let's make sure it doesn't.

208. Where's the bleach and the bone saw?

209. No, no time for that.

210. And I'm not paying to re-carpet this place.

211. - So we call our explosives guy. - He exploded.

212. Well, I guess eventually, the worms will get us all.

213. - [Sy] Oy. - Jesus.

214. Why not burn down the place and take the insurance?

215. A little Jewish lightning never hurt anyone.

216. A fire! Brilliant!

217. We'll burn the bodies in this old furnace I own!

218. Oh, yes!

219. There's the Sy who armed Bin Laden in the '80s.

220. - Let's do this.

221. Close slutty Casper's eyes, will ya?

222. Feels like she's watching me.

223. Sure thing, baby.

224. I can't believe Sy used to be like a spy.

225. - He's so— - Gross.

226. - You're looking for gross. Yeah, that's it.

227. What's "Jewish Lightning"?

228. Perhaps Black Lightning's Israeli cousin.

229. Excuse me! But am I the only one who heard

230. that they're gonna burn our fucking bodies?

231. So, stop yapping and do something!

232. - Harley,

233. welcome to your subconscious.

234. - Step right. - Guess your Wi-Fi password.

235. - Wack-an-insecurity. - Try your hand at a game.

236. Take your chance. Step right up.

237. Ugh, are you shitting me?

238. So I'm gonna go out on a limb

239. and say you're not over your ex-boyfriend.

240. I mean, are you sure that this glitch

241. is just in your origin story?

242. Yes, you, young lady,

243. the one with the smeared lipstick

244. who is still clearly obsessed with me.

245. Try your luck at a game of skill?

246. Win Daddy's Love!

247. Yeah, don't bother with that one.

248. Oh, I know it's rigged.

249. Come on! Everybody, spread out

250. and just look for the emergency exit, all right?

251. Come on!

252. We are trapped! What I wouldn't give

253. for a deus ex machina right now!

254. Follow me. I know the way.

255. Sorry, you didn't get that machina you were talking about.

256. But at least, that guy showed up

257. out of nowhere to save us for no reason.

258. Hey, hey, this is it! Thank you for helping us...

259. whoever the fuck you are.

260. Oh, my God! It's 11-year old Frankie Muniz!

261. - Hi, Harley.

262. He knows my name. I could die!

263. Yeah, this isn't creepy.

264. No, it's not like that at all.

265. Yeah, you know, I had a major crush on him when I was a kid.

266. Well, I guess that's different.

267. Yeah, you know, I was planning to kidnap him, marry him.

268. Then once we hit puberty, I was gonna tell him that I was taking birth control, but then,

269. like, not take it,

270. - and I get pregnant with his kid! - Mmm-hmm.

271. - And back to creepy. - Yeah, I know what's going on here.

272. He was Harley's truest love.

273. So, some small, sane part of her brain sent

274. her a vision of him to help us.

275. That's right. Good luck, Harley.

276. BTW, all those times you stared at

277. my poster in your bedroom, I was staring back.

278. - I knew it! - Take care.

279. Let's go.

280. There's two geriatrics trying to burn our bodies

281. before NCIS comes on.

282. [Sy] You know, I forgot how much fun

283. moving and then destroying dead bodies is.

284. Nothing gets the heart racing

285. like one that's stopped completely.

286. Ah, Golda.

287. Do you ever regret not having spy kids together?

288. Nah. I have normal kids and normal grandkids.

289. - I lead a normal life now, Sy.

290. Ah, well, what if it's not too late?

291. Eh? I still have my license to kill.

292. That's your AARP card.

293. Oh! Yeah, well, the kill thing is in here somewhere.

294. I may be old, Golda,

295. but there's nothing I can't handle.

296. Well, the neighborhood kids

297. don't call me Old Scary Machine Man for nothing.

298. Now, there's a monster for you.

299. Come on, get that piece of rust working.

300. Booyah!

301. Up! Up! And—

302. - Hey, I'm out of diesel.

303. Come on, come on.

304. They're probably heating up the furnace right now.

305. - Is that— - Repressed Memory Island? Yeah.

306. That's where you keep all your screwed-up memories.

307. Trust me, you do not want to go anywhere near it.

308. Ive, remember the glitch in my origins story?

309. Oh, so you think it's like

310. a repressed memory or something?

311. Right. And it's on that island.

312. Oh, then we gotta go.

313. And what did I just say about going to that island?

314. We are all going to be burned to death

315. if we don't leave your mind right now!

316. Okay, fine. Then you go. I'm not leaving.

317. In the real world I'm still catatonic,

318. drooling all over myself.

319. Okay, she made her choice. Let's go.

320. - I'm going with Harley. - Of course you are.

321. She's your only friend.

322. That's true. But that's by design,

323. because she's the only human being I think is worth a shit.

324. Hey, Clayface, how many acting jobs

325. did you get before Harley gave you one?

326. Well, I filled in for the dog

327. that played Air Bud, when he was run over

328. by me the second to the last day of shooting.

329. - You know what? I'm in. - And, Psycho,

330. who took you in when literally,

331. the worst people on the planet turned you away?

332. Fine! I'm in.

333. - And, King Shark, let's all remember the time— - I'm in!

334. Oh, thank God, 'cause I had nothing.

335. All right, Doctor, help your patient.

336. All right, all right, all right, I got a plan.

337. We'll have fun! Hey, come play with us.

338. We'll have fun.

339. Come play with us.

340. If I go down, I'm taking all you little shits with me!

341. Whoa!

342. That was not the plan!

343. We got your back, Harls.

344. Oh, you guys.

345. We might be fucked.

346. You guys totally should have left.

347. Harley Quinn,

348. it has been the utmost pleasure to serve in your company.

349. Clayface, no!

350. I love you, Frankie.

351. Give me babies!

352. Well, hello, it is I, Frankie Muniz!

353. I love you, Frankie.

354. Ah, screw this.

355. Now, how the hell are we gonna get to that island?

356. I cannot believe this. I mean, it is just the most unlikely set of circumstances

357. that would put me about 70% shark, in a situation

358. that pretty much demands a mostly shark man.

359. Oh, we made it!

360. Is it me, or is it getting kind of warm around here?

361. Sy, the fire's good and hot.

362. Then what are we waiting for! Let's get to cremating!

363. Cremate!

364. Why does it look like Arkham?

365. Because your sick brain is trying to lock up memories

366. so vile that you repress them, so do not look—

367. Okay, why do I even try?

368. When's Daddy done with his business meeting?

369. That's enough.

370. "If you violate the restraining order again,

371. Mr. Muniz will take legal action."

372. Muah! See ya soon, Frankie.

373. So that's why I went to juvie.

374. Here we are, puddin'. Dive in as Harleen Quinzel,

375. and rise as Harley Quinn!

376. My beautiful creation.

377. Okay, look, here it comes. Here's when that piece of shit

378. pushes me in he acid.

379. If you love me, then jump!

380. And you'll be mine forever.

381. A dream come true, puddin'.

382. Wait! No!

383. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you okay?

384. This whole time I thought he pushed me.

385. That it wasn't my choice.

386. But it... it was.

387. Whoa, so you told yourself it was out of your control?

388. Yeah, because it was easier

389. to blame him than accept the truth.

390. And the truth being, what, exactly?

391. That it was always my choice.

392. That I was in control all along.

393. And I still am.

394. If you love me, then jump.

395. And you'll be mine forever.

396. - Hard pass. - Wha— what?

397. I said no, idiot.

398. But you have to jump, you can't change this.

399. I mean, it's already happened. It's your origin story!

400. Wrong. It's not my origin story.

401. My real origin story didn't happen here.

402. It happened in your lair.

403. Uh, I wasn't wearing this costume.

404. And believe me,

405. I wasn't saying you were a dream come true.

406. I was saying, "Go fuck yourself!"

407. Harley, stop this nonsense. I—

408. I know you think you created me, but no one did!

409. My fucked-up parents didn't make me the way I am.

410. Neither did Jessica Sarner

411. when she fucking lied to the whole camp

412. and said I lost my virginity to a horse!

413. - A horse!

414. Or, those cops who questioned me for hours

415. - about what happened to Jessica Sarner.

416. And you sure as hell

417. didn't fucking create me, puddin'.

418. Yeah? Well, I named you.

419. You got Harley Quinn out of Harleen Quinzel?

420. Nice work, genius!

421. You didn't make me, Joker. I made myself.

422. But you can't change your memories!

423. This isn't Eternal Sunshine rules.

424. - My mind. My rules.

425. Sanity restored.

426. Kinda. Thanks, gang. I owe you everything.

427. Has anyone seen Clayface?

428. No! Because her little psycho shits killed him!

429. Did not!

430. Apologies for the disguise.

431. I had to "go native" to thwart Harley's younger demons.

432. Oh, we're just glad you're alive.

433. Thank you, frie— Oh, I'm getting hard!

434. - Please!

435. My phallus is not erect. It's my leg.

436. Oh, no, he's in the furnace!

437. Aah! Come on! Come on! To the exit, now!

438. And a one and a two—

439. They're still alive. Damn it, Sy.

440. This is Peru all over again. I'm outta here.

441. What do you mean, "Outta here"? Where're ya going? Where're ya going?

442. - I'm done with this shit. - [Sy] Don't be done.

443. We're in the middle of a thing.

444. - No, I'm at the end. - You were always a quitter!

445. Oh, and you tried to kill us.

446. Nonsense! What are you— What are you doing?

447. You looked cold.

448. So I did what any good citizen would do.

449. I brought you to a dead mall

450. and heated you up in an abandoned pizza oven.

451. You're welcome. We're done here.

452. This is it. Guys, we found it.

453. What? Like hepatitis?

454. No, our new lair.

455. Look, it doesn't matter what it is.

456. 'Cause the lair doesn't define us.

457. We define the lair.

458. Uh-huh. Can we define a different one? This one's gross.

459. No, this one's free.

460. The hell it is.

461. This premium shopping destination

462. runs 100 grand a month.

463. I'm offering a dollar. And I won't kill you right now

464. for trying to burn us alive.

465. Deal. On one condition.

466. You let me come along on some of your heists.

467. Lugging around your dead husks made me feel alive again.

468. I want back in the game, baby!

469. Well, you did manage to carry

470. six bodies to a pizza oven. I mean, that's not nothing.

471. - Deal. - Hey!

472. - Oh! - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't worry. It happens all the time.

473. [Sy] Anyone have a Philips head?