Harley Quinn 1x13

Directed by Brandon McKinney

Diedrich Bader as Batman (voice) • Christopher Meloni as Commissioner James Gordon (voice) • Matt Oberg as Kite Man (voice) • Jason Alexander as Sy Borgman (voice) • Ron Funches as King Shark (voice) • Christopher Meloni as Commissioner Gordon (voice) • Tony Hale as Dr. Psycho (voice)

In the season finale, Harley has her final showdown with the Joker, when [spoilers] [spoil] [spoilers]. Will they [spoiler]? Maybe. But you can bet they [spoiler]!

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Gotcha!

2. I'm not great at having people who are actually good to me in my life.

3. Same. Most people are trash.

4. Wouldn't it be messed up if I ate you right now?

5. - Ive!

6. Ive, don't leave me.

7. We still got so much ass-kicking to do.

8. Harley...

9. I can't.

10. Oops!

11. Harley, uh, a few words?

12. Let her grieve. I've prepared a little something.

13. - We have gathered today

14. to pay respects to our beloved friend.

15. Her death was not an empty sacrifice.

16. And, of my friend, I will say just this.

17. Of all the souls I have met on my journeys,

18. hers was the most...

19. - human.

20. Wow, that, uh... Wasn't awful.

21. As apropos a speech now

22. as when it was originally delivered

23. by William Shatner's Captain James Tiberius Kirk

24. in Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan.

25. Mmm-hmm. All right.

26. Goodbye, my dear fiancee.

27. Who's gonna water my roots?

28. I don't trust any of these assholes.

29. You'll be missed.

30. She's a doctor, damn it! Who chiseled this shit?

31. No, no, no.

32. What're ya... What are you doin'?

33. He doesn't want you to follow Ivy to the grave.

34. So that's it? We're just supposed to sit here twiddling our thumbs?

35. Well, unless you got some kind of actual plan, I say yes.

36. Yes. I got one.

37. Ooh, does it involve indiscriminate smashing of other people's property?

38. - No. - Aw!

39. When no one believed in me, Ivy did.

40. She always wanted me to get rid of this asshole, so that's what I'm gonna do.

41. Still not a plan.

42. I'm workin' on one.

43. Come on, come on.

44. - Jim, what's wrong? - Nothing.

45. My marriage is totally fine.

46. I mean the situation on the street.

47. Oh, that's a shit show.

48. Unlike my marriage, which is rock-solid.

49. - Right.

50. Ugh, what is the point of having an elevator if it doesn't work?

51. Quinn, what are you doing here?

52. I wanna take down Joker.

53. I can't believe I'm saying this, but... we need to work together.

54. I work alone.

55. What about me?

56. - Not now, Jim.

57. No one knows Joker better than you and me.

58. I've got a file on him. I'll be right back.

59. Look, we put our heads together, we can beat him.

60. And then you can go back to doing whatever it is you do.

61. I'm not teaming up with you. You should be locked up in Arkham.

62. Joker killed Ivy, took over Gotham,

63. and cut off your bat nuts!

64. - Hmm. - Help me!

65. You're never gonna believe this.

66. Found Joker's file,

67. but he replaced it with one of those greeting cards that plays music.

68. What a tricky son of a so-and-so.

69. - If I say yes to this,

70. what do you bring to the table, Quinn?

71. The thing he wants most.

72. Who is it?

73. I've already donated.

74. Oh, Harley.

75. To what do I owe the pleasure?

76. Well, seein' as it's your birthday and all, I got you a gift.

77. Oh, you shouldn't have.

78. I mean, especially after what I did to Ivy.

79. You must be very upset with me.

80. Of course I'm referring to the "murdering her on purpose."

81. Oh, I hate you more than you'll ever know.

82. But I'm also practical.

83. You won, and I wanna be on the winnin' side.

84. Oh, Harley, how positively mature of you.

85. I know, real growth.

86. I thought maybe we could patch things up

87. over a steamin' cup of...

88. Batman.

89. Oh, Harley, this... This is amazing.

90. For the man who has everything,

91. you found the one thing I wanted and didn't have!

92. He's buying it!

93. Just keep your mouth shut.

94. Well, happy birthday to me!

95. Of course, no birthday's complete

96. without my special birthday song.

97. What do you say, Harls?

98. For old time's sake?

99. To my puddin'.

100. Would you look at this dumb-ass son of a bitch.

101. Don't sing!

102. Wait a minute. That's not Batman!

103. Shit! Shit, shit, shit!

104. God damn it!

105. Keep banging away.

106. You'll never get away with this.

107. Nighty night, Batman.

108. Grab them!

109. That's right, Harley!

110. Run away!

111. Make it stop!

112. Oh, my God!

113. No, Nurse, I said to prick his boil!

114. Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

115. - Ugh!

116. Take that...

117. - And that.

118. And that.

119. Yawn!

120. Who would've thought my 25th birthday month would be so blah.

121. - Maybe I'm having a quarter-life crisis.

122. What the hell are you doing?

123. Celebrating!

124. Think of all you've accomplished in 38 years.

125. I'm 25, and you know how I feel about champagne corks.

126. That could've hit me in the eye.

127. Sorry about that.

128. So, what shall we do now, boss?

129. Maybe we build a giant maze, yeah?

130. Dose the people in it with fear toxin?

131. You are so one note, bag head.

132. After Harley and I got disruptive, you know how we'd celebrate?

133. Uh, fondue?

134. "Fondue"? No!

135. By getting more disruptive!

136. Like kidnapping Gordon and eating sushi

137. off his lumpy, naked body.

138. I was picking hair

139. out of my teeth for weeks.

140. And now I'm doing this,

141. which should be tons of fun, but I'm bored.

142. What is wrong with me?

143. You're a sociopathic narcissist.

144. It was rhetorical, asshole!

145. And who do you think you are, a psychiatrist?

146. Let's find out.

147. - What? - Bloody hell!

148. It's billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne.

149. No!

150. Are you shitting me!

151. What is wrong with you?

152. Don't you think I would have done that had I wanted to?

153. Half the fun of our relationship was the mystery!

154. Now I know Batman is just some boring rich asshole with parental issues.

155. That's really reductive.

156. Thanks for ruining the funnest thing I had going.

157. Now I don't even feel like torturing him.

158. Sorry, I thought it might be the kind of thing Harley would do.

159. I don't care about Harley!

160. I'm sorry, look, I must've misread the situation

161. when you kept saying her name and reminiscing about all your memories together.

162. Over and over and over and—

163. Not even that was fun.

164. WayneTech promised an electric car by this year.

165. I put a deposit down.

166. Where's my goddamn electric car, Bruce?

167. The guy at the flower shop said black roses don't exist in nature,

168. so I had to dye these.

169. Just wanted you to have a little bit of me in the ground with ya.

170. Oh, Ive! I miss you so much!

171. If you can hear me, just give me a sign.

172. - Harley?

173. Hey there. I was just taking a little catnap back here on the ol' rock.

174. Are you living here?

175. I don't know if I'd call this "living."

176. You're damn right. I'm an indoor plant.

177. I'm supposed to get indirect sunlight.

178. I just hate the thought of leaving Ivy alone.

179. Hey, what... Why aren't you hiding?

180. Bounty's up to... Oh, man! That's a lot of zeros.

181. But why does he want your ass alive?

182. It's obvi. To make her watch her crew get executed.

183. Wait, what?

184. Yeah. He's gonna execute them and then after, he's throwing an '80s party.

185. You don't have to dress up but it's strongly suggested.

186. God, so many iconic '80s looks to choose from.

187. I wanna go "Thriller"

188. but I don't wanna be the third "Thriller" in line for the potato salad. You feel me?

189. They're doing it at sundown tonight!

190. Oh. I'm not gonna let this happen.

191. Uh, how are you gonna stop Joker by yourself

192. when you couldn't even do it with Batman?

193. I don't know. I need a minute to think.

194. - One Mississippi, two Mississippi...

195. - ... three Mississippi... - Can you...

196. Can you not be here right now?

197. Like, you want me to go over by that tree, or...

198. You know, I know I said I don't live here, but I sort of do.

199. Just give me a sec with Ive, okay?

200. Ive, what I'm gonna do may be a suicide mission.

201. If I don't see you back here,

202. maybe I'll see you on the flip side.

203. All right, here goes nothing.

204. Hey!

205. Oh, hey, Harley.

206. I was just... Finishing Infinite Jest.

207. Are you familiar with it?

208. Spine looks pretty intact.

209. Well, I have a digital copy, too.

210. Anyway, are you here for the big execution?

211. There ain't gonna be an execution.

212. Flyers say there is. Right before the live '80s cover band.

213. Their version of "Sweet Child O' Mine" is...

214. - It's okay. - Release my friends.

215. Or what? I have a whole army inside this sick-ass tower.

216. What leg do you have to stand on?

217. It seems like you really want me alive,

218. so, if you don't do what I say...

219. I'm gone.

220. Welcome to my penthouse.

221. It's got all the amenities.

222. Central air, 360-degree views,

223. and a couple of horny tigers.

224. What the hell do you want from me? Where's my crew?

225. I want you to put this on.

226. Come on, remember how much fun you had in that costume?

227. No.

228. I didn't have fun.

229. You were the one having fun.

230. It wasn't till I got away from you

231. that I realized how deeply un- fun being with you was.

232. So I would rather blow myself up and take you with me

233. than go back to being your sidekick and wearing that fuckin' costume!

234. Well, you could. Certainly an option.

235. Only fly in the ointment is if you blow yourself up,

236. - you'll take your crew with you.

237. So, how about you make this easy and put...

238. the outfit...

239. on.

240. Don't do it. - Do it.

241. So, I put this on, you let them go?

242. And if you don't...

243. I kill them.

244. Oh, there she is!

245. Harley Quinn original recipe.

246. Why'd you have to go and mess with a classic?

247. Are you gonna let my crew go, or what?

248. I'm a man of my word.

249. Buh-bye.

250. She gave her life so that we may live.

251. Goodbye, Harley.

252. Okay, I'm in the costume. So what's the plan?

253. Want me to make you a chocolate cake,

254. - put on Legally Blonde, call you "puddin'"?

255. Harley, I've got the city by the balls.

256. The cops are mine. Batman's tied up and gagged.

257. I have everything a man could want.

258. But I'm not happy.

259. And do you know why?

260. Because you're a textbook sociopathic narcissist

261. with a chemical imbalance in your parasympathetic nervous system?

262. Hey, that's what Batman said.

263. Hey, Batman, she said the thing you said.

264. Anyway, no. The reason I wasn't happy

265. was because we weren't together.

266. It wasn't until I got everything...

267. that I realized it means nothing

268. without you by my side.

269. Really?

270. Harley, you're the missing piece to my happiness.

271. I knew you'd be back.

272. I guess I could never stay away from my puddin'.

273. You were always so unoriginal, stealing my ideas.

274. Fuck you! This is for Ivy.

275. Ha!

276. Did you really think I was gonna believe that bullshit

277. about me being the missing piece?

278. But that was all true!

279. You see, I only have one weakness. You.

280. And when you're the most powerful man in the world, there's no room for weakness.

281. And so, my only option

282. is to... Get rid of you.

283. Then do it. Kill me!

284. Do you take me for a basic bitch?

285. If I were I to kill you,

286. you'd live on forever, an emotional martyr in my soul.

287. So I'm going to erase you from existence.

288. Pick her up. Follow me.

289. I made the mistake of creating you,

290. and now I'm going to undo that mistake.

291. This acid will erase all that makes you Harley Quinn.

292. You'll be a nobody. A blank canvas.

293. A stranger on the streets.

294. Normal.

295. Don't do this.

296. If you wanna kill me, kill me, but don't do this!

297. Should've thought of that before you made me fall in love with you.

298. It's time. But don't worry,

299. you won't remember a thing.

300. Let me jump.

301. Let this last act of Harley Quinn be my own.

302. You owe me at least that.

303. Sure. Go nuts.

304. Goodbye, Harley Quinn.

305. Wait a minute. Did anyone hear a splash?

306. I've fallen in acid enough times to know that there should be a splash.

307. You're right about that, puddin'.

308. How did you...

309. Wait. Where are those vines coming from?

310. Oh, fuck.

311. I knew I should've harpooned you in the head!

312. One in the head, one in the heart.

313. It's Harpooning 101.

314. - Guess who's next?

315. Harley... You don't wanna do this.

316. We can rule Gotham together.

317. You're nothing without me!

318. You always tried to make me think that, but it's not true!

319. I have friends that love and care about me.

320. I'm moving on with my life with the people that matter.

321. And that ain't you, puddin'.

322. - Drop him. - Love to.

323. You don't want to do this.

324. I've always supported strong female

325. friendships!

326. Oh, Ive! Oh, my God!

327. It was my tears, wasn't it?

328. My tears of friendship

329. fell on your grave and brought you back to life!

330. Harls, I love you, but we don't live in a Disney movie, okay?

331. It was the renewing power of nature that brought me back.

332. And, you know, maybe the tears helped a little, too.

333. Oh, my God, he saved us.

334. He'll be okay, right? I mean, he's Batman.

335. Sure. I mean, you know, he's got the polymer suit

336. - with the—

337. Oh, shit. Let's get out of here.

338. So, to summarize, good news, Joker no longer rules Gotham.

339. Bad news, thanks to an 8.6 earthquake,

340. there's no longer a Gotham left to rule.

341. And Batman is missing.

342. More updates as we get them.

343. And I just want the record to reflect

344. that I always had faith in you, Harley.

345. Did not doubt it for a moment.

346. I did not feel the same way, but am so glad I was wrong.

347. Harls, ya did it.

348. Justice League is gone,

349. same with the Legion of Doom, and the Joker's dead.

350. Gotham is in complete chaos.

351. It's so beautiful.