Harley Quinn 1x9

1. Oh, hey. I didn't see you there.

2. I'm Lex Luthor,

3. and I'm here to tell you

4. a little bit about the Legion of Doom.

5. The LOD is a supportive community

6. of elite supervillains

7. dedicated to making the world a worse place.

8. We've been behind some of the most evil plots

9. of the 21st century.

10. Hey, Black Manta.

11. - What's that?

12. They're waiting for the new recruits right next door?

13. Looks like you better get in there.

14. And make sure you bad guys bring a good attitude.

15. Hey, that's you!

16. What did you say to Black Manta

17. to elicit such rage?

18. Nothing racist.

19. Guys, pull it together.

20. We are about to join...

21. The Legion of Doom.

22. Welcome home, Harley.

23. And that's all the time we have.

24. Oh, and my apologies to Bane

25. who wanted to do some magic.

26. It was going to be a spectacle.

27. I'd like to say something.

28. Oh, my God!

29. When I heard we were letting in Harley Quinn,

30. I thought...

31. No one deserves this opportunity

32. more than she does.

33. - Oh this guy. - I'm sorry.

34. But didn't he try to kill you multiple times?

35. I know, I know.

36. I tried to kill you multiple times,

37. but frankly, Harley,

38. now you're the one killing it.

39. - Wow...

40. Oh, I've seen this before.

41. It's just like the time my ex, Sandra, called me up

42. after I lost 20 pounds.

43. Where were you when I was still 2,750, Sandra?

44. Where were you?

45. I needed love then.

46. Promise us you will not make us the Jen Aniston

47. to your Bradley Pitt's feverish pursuit of co-star

48. Ann-halina Yo-lee.

49. Wow, that's a lot to unpack.

50. Guys, guys, come on! Give me a little credit here.

51. Joker saying a few nice things about me

52. ain't gonna make me see him any different, okay?

53. Pick a card.

54. When my mind's set, it is set.

55. Hell, they blew out three electric shock machines at Arkham

56. trying to get through to me.

57. I am done giving that clown second chances.

58. Is your card

59. the three of hearts?

60. - No. - Fuck!

61. Okay, look. I know the last time we talked,

62. it was... Shitty.

63. But, you know, I feel like maybe we have an opportunity to start over here.

64. Hmm.

65. Okay. We can build off "hmm."

66. I also, obviously, would like to apologize

67. for saying you're jealous of me

68. and that you got no friends and that—

69. All right, thank you. I remember what you said.

70. I know you were just trying to protect me, and...

71. Listen, I am gonna do the same for you, okay?

72. Just 'cause I'm a card carryin' member

73. of the Legion of Doom now—

74. Fuck that place in the ass.

75. Yes. For sure. Although, listen...

76. I am working there

77. and I hope it doesn't affect our friendship.

78. I would be dead without you.

79. Like, a lot.

80. I do not disagree with that.

81. I mean, I'm glad you're not dead, but...

82. I don't know, it just...

83. It felt like you were so ready to abandon me.

84. I would never do that.

85. I will always be there for ya.

86. I will always smash things

87. you might need smashed, Ive.

88. Wait, I know that look.

89. Is there something you need smashed?

90. Come on, Ive, there's gotta be something you need smashed.

91. There is... There is something actually, I've been working on.

92. I knew it! You're gonna do something evil.

93. That is great!

94. Yeah. You know, I mean, if we're still categorizing

95. fighting to protect the environment as "evil,"

96. then sure.

97. At our new state-of-the-art manufacturing plant in Gotham,

98. we're building the machines to revolutionize

99. the development of our beautiful city.

100. Join us in paving the way together

101. to a better Gotham.

102. I'm gonna destroy it.

103. Ooh, you're still fired up, Ive.

104. You are glowing.

105. Count me in on destroying this new factory.

106. Really? Great.

107. Okay. Let's meet up on Friday night and go over a plan.

108. Oh, no, no, no, no. I got this.

109. The Legion gave me a corporate card

110. and said I can expense any meal

111. where I talk about doing something evil.

112. Yeah, once again, it's just... We're saving plants,

113. we're not actually doing something evil...

114. You know what?

115. Thanks, Harls.

116. We added a little something we thought you might enjoy.

117. Oh, it's beautiful!

118. - What's the thread count? - Oh, my God.

119. It's under the sheet, you dry turd!

120. Oh, my God!

121. So thoughtful.

122. You got mahogany, oak, pine...

123. And... Just one chair.

124. Where are the rest of us supposed to sit?

125. Oh, we have special offices for all of you.

126. My assistant cultural attache,

127. Esteban, will take you.

128. Why, hello, Esteban!

129. And from what exotic pueblito

130. on the Iberian Peninsula might you derive?

131. It's Steve, and I'm from Tulsa.

132. I don't know why Mr. Luthor calls me that,

133. but he always does.

134. Follow me.

135. Okay. Come on.

136. I know where I'm going.

137. I remember where my old office is.

138. Yeah, that's been filled.

139. We have something else for you.

140. Why did you hit down on the elevator?

141. And here we are.

142. No, no. No, no, I know this place.

143. This is where they keep the goons and the henchmen.

144. Right. Like you.

145. We're not goons.

146. We're not henchmen.

147. We have powers.

148. That's right. I am an actor!

149. You are not an actor.

150. You are a huge pile of clay

151. that can turn into anything you want.

152. He is a giant half-shark man.

153. And I am a telepath.

154. We have actual powers!

155. Uh, calm down, Dr. Guy.

156. This is where you're supposed to be, and you're lucky.

157. Touch whatever you want. Everything's broken.

158. Goons, you're with me.

159. The hell we are!

160. We work for Harley.

161. And now, for me, too.

162. I've signed you out for a very important mission.

163. I got a razzy zazzy for "Bang."

164. It's Bane!

165. You know it's Bane.

166. I'm here everyday, Todd.

167. Goddamn millennials.

168. Whatever, Bang!

169. So, we're blowing up Todd after dinner.

170. Don't eat so much you get lethargic,

171. but eat enough that you don't get fainty

172. 'cause I do not bring snacks.

173. The streets will run with razzy zazzy.

174. And thanks to Black Manta for the bagels.

175. There's only cinnamon raisins!

176. You know I hate raisins!

177. Oh! Wait. Here's an everything.

178. So, Harley,

179. every week we meet to pitch our evil ideas.

180. This is where we get approval

181. for the use of Legion resources

182. like goons and getaway cars.

183. And s'plosions!

184. I have no idea what the fuck "s'plosions" are, Bane,

185. but we do have explosives.

186. So this is the place to get creative feedback on ideas.

187. Exactly.

188. We modelled it after the way they do things at Pixar.

189. I wish they would make another Up movie.

190. They can't.

191. The story was over at the end of the first.

192. Unless,

193. the kid is the old man in the sequel.

194. Oh, that's fun!

195. That's a good one.

196. Can we stop with the nonsense, please?

197. - Who wants to start? - Okay!

198. So, I want to build a giant tower

199. with my face on it.

200. Loving this.

201. My quote unquote "mouth" opens up...

202. Boom! Reveals a giant TV.

203. What's on it? Me!

204. I open with a joke,

205. threaten Gotham, you get the rest.

206. I need 800 million, but I can do it for six.

207. Six hundred million! I mean, that's a bargain.

208. I... I'm still trying to get a chair.

209. Shall we move to approve?

210. - Harley? - I don't get it.

211. You don't... Get it?

212. Well, for starters, why do you need a tower?

213. Right? If you want to get on TV,

214. why don't you just take over the airwaves like everybody else?

215. Because everyone else has already done it.

216. - Fucking Bane's done it. - Yeah, I done it.

217. Okay, well then, why not just take over an existing tower?

218. Why are we building a new tower?

219. Because a regular tower doesn't have a fire pole

220. that goes from top to the bottom, that's why.

221. That's a bit garish, innit? Why do you need that?

222. Because I'm the Joker!

223. Hmm.

224. Feels a little like you came up with the frosting...

225. - Before you baked the cake. - Exactly.

226. Thank you, Harley.

227. You haven't baked the cake.

228. Why don't you come back to us after you bake the cake,

229. huh, Joker?

230. Fine.

231. I'll bake the fucking cake.

232. You know, it's not... It's refreshing.

233. I am glad that

234. someone finally stood up to that clown.

235. Oh! Hey, Joker.

236. I was just telling Harley how uncool she was.

237. Being in the meeting earlier

238. - and having the gall—

239. It's leaking everywhere.

240. About that meeting, I wanted to say—

241. - Look, if you came here to yell at me then— - Thank you!

242. - Uh, what? - That plan needed work.

243. I'm going to put the time in,

244. and really make it something special.

245. But I'm happy I finally have someone here

246. with the guts to stand up to me.

247. Maybe we could grab a drink so I could pick your brain

248. with this whole giant-tower- with-my-face-on-it thing.

249. Yeah, I don't think so.

250. A work drink.

251. I could give you the lowdown on how to game the system here.

252. Really? And not have sex with each other?

253. Harley, please! I'm blushing.

254. We're colleagues now.

255. You don't see me having sex with Scarecrow or Bane.

256. The answer's, no, I don't...

257. Do that with them.

258. Just a work drink. Think about it.

259. Harley, we have a problem.

260. They put us in the goon poo-el.

261. - Ooh, that sounds fun. - Fun?

262. It's not the fun kind of pool.

263. They're treating us like we're common henchmen

264. and we have to work for anyone who asks.

265. - Including Bane. - Bane!

266. - What?

267. Bane? Ugh! We only work together.

268. Well, they're saying something entirely different.

269. Don't worry. You won't be working for Bane, I promise.

270. Ugh, I just gotta figure out how to game the system here.

271. And how, pray tell, will you do that?

272. I'll pray tell a colleague about it.

273. So...

274. I've been paying this smoothie kid

275. to keep writing "Bang" on all his orders.

276. Oh, my God,

277. that's the guy Bane wants to blow up.

278. Oh! That's fantastic.

279. You know, everyone remembers me for the big crimes,

280. the murders, the cripplings,

281. but it's the little ones that keep me going.

282. That's hilarious.

283. If it was hilarious, you'd be laughing.

284. You can't just say something's hilarious.

285. That's the worst kind of audience.

286. Sorry, I got a lot on my mind.

287. You know, Bane wants to use my crew

288. to blow up that smoothie kid, and they're pissed.

289. Who do I talk to to get them out of that?

290. Um, me.

291. I'll talk to Lex.

292. He wants to keep you happy. You're an asset.

293. - Really? He thinks that? - Everyone thinks that.

294. You're a big deal. You're Harley Quinn!

295. Wow, I...

296. - Wow! Holy shit!

297. Thanks.

298. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

299. So your ass is gonna take down that place by yourself?

300. There's not a plant around it.

301. First of all, I am a capable metahuman

302. who doesn't always need the plants.

303. And also, Harley's gonna show up

304. and, like, smash some people with her bat, too.

305. Harley? I don't see Harley around here.

306. You know who I see?

307. Frank. I'm ready to fuck some shit up.

308. You're in a pot, Frank. I'd have to carry you.

309. So what? I carry you emotionally.

310. We all carry shit.

311. You bring me in there and I'll show you some damage.

312. How, Frank? What am I gonna, like, throw you at people

313. and you're gonna eat them?

314. Boom! Look at that. We just figured it out.

315. Thanks, but I think Harley and I can take care of this.

316. Like the way you took care of that outfit?

317. - Why? What's wrong with it?

318. You see fabulous, I see fugly.

319. You got to diversify your color palette, woman!

320. Spice that shit up!

321. Add a fun hat.

322. Maybe a little blush on your cheeks and shit.

323. See? See, see, I don't just eat people.

324. Hurtful words are another weapon in my arsenal.

325. And you just got a verbal ass whooping.

326. So, how have you been?

327. Oh, you know, same old, same old.

328. Murdering, hijacking, WMDs, arson.

329. Ooh, I've been rewatching a lot of Scrubs.

330. What happened to Zach Braff?

331. Wait, wait. Didn't we kill him

332. when we took that movie studio hostage?

333. Remember, we were trying to force him

334. to remake classic movies, but with cats?

335. Ha! I'm telling you,

336. "Cats-ablanca" would have blown the original out of the water.

337. Anyway, I think Zach Braff is alive.

338. - Oh. - Just not working.

339. - Ah! - Oh, Harley...

340. We had some fun back in the day, didn't we?

341. Oh, we sure did.

342. Mmm.

343. All right, you know, I really better get going.

344. Sorry to interrupt,

345. but I, like, totally ship you guys.

346. Seriously.

347. You're, like, my favorite evil couple in Gotham.

348. These are on the house.

349. Oh, thank you.

350. Come on, you can stay for five more minutes?

351. There, she is, over there.

352. The green one with the fun hat on.

353. Uh, Frank, who is this person?

354. You said I couldn't do nothin' 'cause I was in this pot.

355. - Meet Chaz. - This is really getting heavy, man.

356. He's my pot guy.

357. Carries my pot around wherever I need to go.

358. He sells marijuana, Frank.

359. He misread his ad.

360. That is also true.

361. Yet, here we are.

362. Okay. Well, I'm leaving.

363. So why don't you have him bring you back to the apartment.

364. Wait, I thought you were meeting Harley here.

365. Oh, shit!

366. She stood your ass up.

367. No, no, no. She just had to reschedule.

368. You know, she ended her text in "ugh."

369. So I know that she just, you know,

370. she didn't wanna reschedule but she had to.

371. You know, things come up. It's fine.

372. Nah, she's changed.

373. Thinks she's a bigshot now.

374. Hell, I know this pear tree,

375. survived 9/11,

376. now he's planted front and center at the Freedom Tower

377. and that motherfucker won't even call me back.

378. Harley is nothing like your 9/11 pear tree friend.

379. And, by the way, I know that tree, okay?

380. He was a dick before 9/11, he's a dick now.

381. That asshole changed

382. and so has Harley.

383. Trust me, you're on your own.

384. Oh, man!

385. They only have potato chips

386. with the weird Korean flavor.

387. "Cheddar and octopus ranch"?

388. Could be delicious!

389. I would give it a whirl.

390. Put down those snacks, you dumb goons.

391. It's time to go.

392. We're not going anywhere with you,

393. S&M Sally!

394. Harley took care of it.

395. I filed all the proper paperwork.

396. I even got the green light from HR, so...

397. Your move.

398. How disappointing!

399. Right? But don't worry.

400. I'll call Harley and we'll sort this out.

401. I meant these chips.

402. They're disappointing.

403. I'm not tasting the... Oh, wait!

404. There's the octopus!

405. - Damn! It went to voicemail. That's that then.

406. Saddle up, muchachos.

407. We have a juicery to es'plode!

408. I missed this.

409. This isn't... Come on...

410. Now, this is just

411. an extension of the business conversation from earlier.

412. - Oh, for sure. - Cool.

413. - Cool. - Cool. We're just cool.

414. - Yeah. Monsters!

415. She's eating the beef tenderloin with a fish fork.

416. Okay, I did miss this.

417. Now, this is living.

418. Yeah. Hey, you know, I had a thought

419. about that tower with your face on it you pitched at the meeting?

420. Oh, my face tower?

421. That... That would be the one.

422. I was thinking you could build it underground

423. and when you wanna unveil it,

424. it can shoot above the surface

425. and scare the shit out of people.

426. - Ooh, like a Jack in the box! - Exactly!

427. Love that.

428. It's very on brand for me, I mean.

429. Wow, really?

430. I don't think you've ever taken one of my ideas before.

431. The student becomes another master.

432. Uh, I think the phrase is,

433. "The student becomes the master."

434. No, I believe it's, "The student becomes a master

435. "equal to the original master,

436. "but not with more mastery than that master."

437. So you're not upset I decided to go off on my own?

438. If this is the Harley Quinn solo act,

439. I just have one thing to say...

440. I wish it'd had happened sooner.

441. Bravo!

442. - Oh!

443. Up to your old tricks again.

444. Well, you're gonna be spending a lifetime together

445. in Arkham.

446. You know, I'd love to take you, puddin'...

447. You know, I'd love to take you, puddin',

448. but I'd never deny you the pleasure

449. of buying me time to escape.

450. So get the hell on, you knucklehead!

451. Oh!

452. What you grinning at?

453. You comin' or what?

454. I used to dream about this moment.

455. Oh, Harley!

456. I couldn't leave you on the boat.

457. I need you.

458. For this.

459. - Mmm.

460. And this!

461. Some things never change, Quinn.

462. Has Harley called back yet?

463. Yeah! And she said she fixed everything,

464. and I just didn't tell you.

465. Fantastic!

466. What's taking your shark friend

467. so long to plant the bomb?

468. Oh, I don't know.

469. Maybe it's because he's a shark

470. and not a demolitions expert.

471. Todd must pay for what he's done.

472. Let's see whose name is Bang now, Todd.

473. - Ah! Good Lord!

474. - Oh!

475. Hey, Shark guy, did we kill Todd?

476. Todd...

477. Doesn't work Wednesdays.

478. Oh, he must have changed the schedule.

479. Why, Lord?

480. Why take him when you could have me instead?

481. I am a perfectly delicious substitute.

482. What the hell are you talking about?

483. He's still alive.

484. Huh? Oh, I was rehearsing.

485. I have an audition for a margarine commercial.

486. Well, it was very moving.

487. Although, that could be the morphine talking.

488. I love everybody right now.

489. I came as soon as I heard. How's he doing?

490. - Oh, my God!

491. I think he's going into cardiac arrest.

492. Someone? Nurse? Somebody!

493. No, that's actually a pretty standard shark heartbeat.

494. - I'm fine. - Oh, no shit?

495. So where's Harley?

496. She said she got help up with some Legion shit,

497. but I figured she'd come running as soon as she heard.

498. Patrick Swayze's ghost!

499. It appears we've been deceived.

500. Ooh!

501. It looks like Jo-Quinn is back together.

502. Less than an hour ago,

503. former lovebirds Harley Quinn and Joker

504. were spotted tonguing each other down.

505. Hey, everyone!

506. Oh, I'm so sorry I didn't get here sooner.

507. I got held up at a crazy Legion board meeting and then—

508. - Oh! - It is one thing

509. when I thought you ditched me for the Legion,

510. but him?

511. I thought you were better than that, man.

512. No, I am. And I see that now.

513. Too late.

514. You promised you'd extricate us

515. from having to join Bane,

516. but you didn't,

517. and now, look!

518. Some of us got our fins blown off.

519. I'll tell you one thing.

520. A Japanese chef offered a large sum of money for it

521. and you weren't even there to tell me to not consider it!

522. Because you were canoodling with the Joker instead.

523. I know, but the whole reason I even met with Joker

524. was to figure out how to get you guys out of doing that.

525. - I mean— Oh, please.

526. - Drivel! - Ive, you, you...

527. You got to understand.

528. No! Not this time, Harley.

529. I have done everything in my power

530. to keep you away from that ass clown

531. because I truly believe that you deserve better.

532. But you know what? I am done believing in someone

533. who just doesn't believe in herself.

534. I'm... I'm sorry, Ive...

535. I made a mistake.

536. I know I did.

537. It won't happen again.

538. - Bullshit! - Poppycock!

539. It's true, Harley.

540. You're like the fish that cried Orca.

541. It's a story remarkably similar

542. to that boy who cried Wolf,

543. except that instead of a boy, it's a fish,

544. - and instead of a wolf— - It's an orca.

545. No! It's a wolf named Orca,

546. but it can swim,

547. which is terrifying.

548. And also morphine induced,

549. but the point he's trying to make is,

550. we are out of the crew!

551. - Clayface!

552. I'm sorry,

553. but I have a regional margarine commercial audition

554. that starts in seven hours.

555. - King? - I have a catheter inside me,

556. so I can't currently leave,

557. but please note that as soon as I'm able to urinate

558. in a normal fashion,

559. I am also out of the crew.

560. Please, don't go.

561. Sorry, I... I have my own plan to focus on,

562. but you probably don't remember that anyway.

563. No, I do and I still wanna help you with it.

564. I think I'd rather go solo on this one.

565. I need people I can count on.

566. Yeah, boss.

567. We got her.