1. Oh, crazy about
Joker and Harley.
Copy !req
2. I heard they tried
an open relationship thing,
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3. which everybody knows
only works for gay men.
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4. Your idle gossip distracts me
from my master plan.
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5. Break the Batman.
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6. Punish Gotham
for its transgressions,
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7. and stand atop
the mountain of skulls
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8. left in my wake.
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9. - Anyway, I heard Harley—
Morning.
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10. - How are you?
- Fine. Why wouldn't I be?
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11. Because Harley dumped you.
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12. You know?
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13. People are saying
that Harley dumped me?
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14. Please! You know what?
I don't even care.
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15. I wish her well.
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16. Ivy, no rush,
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17. but Howie Mandel's only showing
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18. how to turn
Thanksgiving leftovers
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19. into an entire
nativity scene.
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20. Oh, my God! Wait, what?
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21. Hot, hot,
hot, hot, hot, hot.
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22. Next, I'm gonna show you
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23. how to make
a mashed potato Virgin Mary.
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24. But first,
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25. please welcome
my, uh, surprise co-host.
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26. Uh, you know him
as the clown prince of crime.
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27. - Let's give it up
for the Joker!
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28. - Shit!
- Damn it.
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29. - Ooh.
- Get ready, America.
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30. Howie's got something
he's dying to tell you.
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31. - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Not Howie!
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32. You know what's stupid?
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33. Me, for playfully implying
on yesterday's show that
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34. the celebrity villain couple,
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35. formerly known as "JoQuinn"
is no more.
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36. Thanks, Howie.
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37. When I dumped poor, sad,
what's her name...
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38. - She's right over here.
- Frank.
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39. I promised I would
respect her wishes
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40. to drift into the darkness
of total anonymity.
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41. And for the record,
our couple name was...
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42. - "Joker."
- Oh, that liar
trying to blow up
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43. the cleanest and nicest
talk show host in television!
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44. Just ignore him.
He's baiting you.
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45. It's not worth
getting angry over.
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46. Sorry, but that's all the time we have today, Howie.
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47. And speaking of time,
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48. yours is running out.
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49. I need a very brave
wardrobe girl!
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50. Jesus, Harls.
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51. This is why I don't put
the good TV out.
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52. Good TV?
Where you hiding that bad boy?
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53. If he thinks I'm just gonna
fade away into obscurity,
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54. he doesn't know
what's coming.
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55. Who cares?
You're doing great.
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56. You got a killer new outfit,
you started meditating.
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57. I haven't started yet.
I just downloaded the app.
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58. That's a first step.
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59. You're a strong,
independent woman
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60. who doesn't care
what other people think.
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61. Right! Who cares what Joker
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62. and his stupid
Legion of Doom buddies think.
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63. - Exactly!
- Preach!
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64. Hell, I'll show them in person
how little I care.
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65. What? No. What are you doing?
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66. - Logging into Joker's calendar.
- Oh, God, we're off the rails.
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67. No, let it play out.
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68. Oh, hey, there's a party
at the Gotham Mint
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69. with the Legion of Doom guys
tomorrow!
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70. Oh, if he wants
to fuck with me in public,
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71. I will fuck right back!
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72. - Please do not do this.
- Please do that shit.
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73. I'm just gonna show those guys
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74. how awesome I'm doing
without him.
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75. It'll be so fun!
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76. And you can meet a hot guy
and use your cool love potion.
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77. This isn't a love potion.
It's my distilled pheromones.
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78. It makes men
infatuated with me
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79. and then kills them
by turning them into plants.
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80. Right, a love potion.
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81. - Please come with me. Please!
- No.
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82. - Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.
- Stop.
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83. - Frank, shut up.
Saying no again.
- Do it. Do it. Do it.
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84. What? Stop saying "do it."
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85. Do it, do it, do it.
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86. - Fine.
Yes.
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87. - Oh, shit. Howie exploded.
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88. No!
- Not Howie.
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89. - Joker, you son of a bitch!
- That's my phone, uh...
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90. Did you know that this party
was for children?
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91. I do now.
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92. Although, technically,
one boy becomes a man today.
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93. Are you one of the dancers
for my nephew's bar mitzvah?
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94. Jesus, Harley!
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95. Rock bottom came fast
as the Joker dumped you.
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96. Uh, she dumped him,
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97. and you smell like
shrimp shit. Excuse us.
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98. - We should leave.
- No, no, no, no, no.
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99. All the Legion bigwigs
are here.
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100. I came to show 'em how great
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101. I'm doing
and I am gonna!
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102. This isn't
your coming out party.
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103. It's a 13-year-old boy's
coming out party.
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104. Look, a lot of people made
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105. a name for themselves
at parties.
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106. Bane, he decided to blow up
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107. Gotham Stadium
during Trivia Night.
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108. Oh, the Dallas Cowboys.
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109. Incorrect.
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110. The Steelers have won
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111. the most games
at Gotham Stadium.
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112. I'm gonna blow up
Gotham Stadium.
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113. Fine, just don't
leave me alone.
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114. Or some like D-list villain
will hit on me
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115. or ask to do a heist with me
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116. and the longer we wait...
Okay, she's gone.
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117. Kite Man.
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118. What? What was that? Whoa.
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119. Did I just hear the wind
say "Kite Man?"
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120. I think you're alone in that.
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121. Hell yeah!
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122. Good God.
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123. I need a permit
for a trap door?
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124. The whole point is
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125. no one is supposed
to know about it!
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126. Especially the City.
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127. I need this lair rebuilt now.
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128. Knock, knock, who's there?
It's me, Joker.
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129. You will never guess
who's at the bar mitzvah.
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130. Jesus, Bane!
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131. I don't have time
for a guessing game. Hang on.
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132. Those shoes have black soles!
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133. Put plastic booties on.
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134. Harley is at Penguin's nephew's
bar mitzvah.
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135. She crashed
the stupid thing?
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136. Yeah, seems like
she's doing pretty well.
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137. Brought a tiger. Pretty cool.
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138. What? Anyone can buy a tiger.
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139. You know she has HPV, right?
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140. Most sexually active adults do.
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141. Shut up! I'm on my way.
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142. Uh-oh!
Who are these troublemakers?
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143. Nah, I'm just kidding.
I know it's you, Scarecrow,
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144. Two-Face,
other half of Two-Face,
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145. Bane.
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146. I'm going to blow up
this bar mitzvah.
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147. Quinn, great to see you.
Where you been hiding?
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148. On your left,
where you can't see shit.
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149. So, guess who has a plan
to finally get rid of Batman?
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150. Ya girl.
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151. Look
who's' trying to run
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152. before she can crawl.
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153. Mazel tov!
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154. - Jesus.
- Glad you're here, J-Man.
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155. Pull up a chair.
Doesn't bother me.
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156. So, who's goin' beef
and who's goin' chicken?
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157. You are going
somewhere else.
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158. Because this is
the Legion of Doom table!
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159. Why don't you go find
the Crazy Bitch table?
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160. It's not a real table.
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161. - That was implied!
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162. Who wants to ditch this jester
and tear up Gotham with me?
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163. Laugh. Laugh with me.
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164. You know what? Who needs ya?
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165. This table's too far away
from the dance floor anyway.
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166. Ugh, can you believe
those assholes?
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167. You know what?
I don't need 'em.
I'll sit with you guys.
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168. Uh, no. This is
the Joshua best friends' table.
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169. Unless, you're the girl
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170. that Joshua
fingerbanged at Camp.
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171. If I said yes,
would you let me sit here?
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172. Trick question. Joshua has
never fingerbanged anyone.
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173. Ha!
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174. So, Ivy-Ivy-Bo-Bivy.
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175. Um, let me ask you
a personal question.
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176. Have you ever seen
Gotham Central Park...
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177. - From the sky?
- From the sky!
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178. Yeah, you get it.
Okay, you know, I was thinking,
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179. you and I should do
a heist together.
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180. Uh, you know what?
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181. I'm just really kinda worn out
from all the heist stuff.
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182. It's just kinda hard
being such
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183. a weak woman
and whatnot.
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184. Yeah. I bet.
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185. Um, but, hey,
I'll do all the heavy-lifting.
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186. You don't have to break a nail.
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187. It'll be a breeze.
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188. - Breeze.
- Yeah.
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189. It's just 'cause my powers
are wind-based.
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190. You don't have powers!
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191. You just have a kite
like every kid
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192. in every park
across the world.
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193. And she doesn't want
to do a heist with you
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194. 'cause you're stupid!
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195. - Do you think I'm stupid?
- I mean, don't you?
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196. These assholes always pretended
to be my friends.
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197. But they're really just...
assholes!
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198. They think
I am not in their league,
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199. but they don't know shit!
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200. Hi, girls.
So glad you could come.
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201. I know we're all evil here,
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202. but maybe we could
put a little sugar
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203. on that salty language,
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204. you know, for the kids.
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205. Sorry, Mrs. Cobblepot.
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206. Yeah, never again. Sorry.
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207. Dude, we got to
get the fuck out of here.
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208. Hell, no. I'm not giving up.
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209. I'll show these Legion guys
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210. I can do something
not even they can!
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211. What's one thing
in this room,
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212. none of them
ever had the balls to try?
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213. Even worse.
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214. I'm gonna rob the Gotham Mint.
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215. Oh.
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216. No cuts!
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217. All right, Stop.
Let's get real for a second.
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218. The Gotham Mint
is impenetrable.
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219. They're so confident,
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220. they rented the atrium out
to the Legion of Doom.
Copy !req
221. Look, I'm doing this thing,
all right?
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222. - What if Batman shows up?
- I'll kill him.
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223. - Where's the getaway car?
- I'll steal one.
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224. - Where will you put
all the money?
- Look around.
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225. Every kid's wearing a backpack.
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226. Gah! Look, Ivy,
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227. all the reasons you said
it can't work
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228. are exactly the reasons
I gotta do it!
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229. They might not like me,
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230. but they will respect
the shit out of me.
Copy !req
231. All right, fine. Just go.
Go steal the money.
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232. Just do me one favor, okay?
Don't leave me alone here,
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233. because... Oh!
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234. Party's a drag, huh?
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235. I really
should quit, but, I just can't.
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236. Go away, fragile child.
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237. Hey, how about we ditch
this shindig
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238. and sneak into
a PG-13 movie?
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239. My love potion?
Copy !req
240. I stole your juice
and I gave it to these kids.
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241. - Hell yeah!
- You're an idiot.
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242. Ooh, you mispronounced
"genius."
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243. No, that potion makes people
fall in love with me
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244. and then kills them.
Copy !req
245. - What?
- Yes! What did you think,
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246. you kite-fucking freak?
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247. My name is Poison Ivy.
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248. Damn! See, this is why
I stick to the kites.
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249. So simple.
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250. Ha!
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251. The vault must be
around here somewhere.
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252. Bingo.
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253. We gotta get an antidote
before these kids die.
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254. It's in my apartment
across town,
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255. so we need to get there quick.
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256. Quick as a kite?
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257. - Oh, God.
- Weather permitting.
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258. Fine, hit the button.
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259. Is it raining out?
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260. It looked a little overcast
when I came in.
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261. Oh, shut the fuck up.
Let's go.
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262. look at
my phone here.
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263. No, I think we're good.
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264. Ugh! My chicken is rubbery.
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265. Mmm, your beef looks good.
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266. Uh, fine.
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267. Ah, ah, I might finish that.
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268. Oh, well, then,
what are we doing?
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269. Hey, everybody,
let's give it up
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270. for Joshua's
bar mitzvah, huh?
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271. It was very special for me.
Copy !req
272. It was when I realized
it was my dream
Copy !req
273. to become a crime lord.
Copy !req
274. So today, I force that dream
on to you.
Copy !req
275. Okay, Joshua ...
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276. Get ready for your first caper.
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277. Good luck fighting off
the guards,
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278. also known as
Copy !req
279. Gotham Chucklehut's
finest improvisers...
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280. and stealing that cash-ola,
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281. otherwise known as...
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282. Joshua Bucks?
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283. Oh, no!
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284. Go, Joshua... Oh, my God!
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285. Hey, Joshy, mazel tov.
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286. This is fantastic.
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287. You're probably
not laughing
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288. because this is sort of
how you screw up.
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289. - You ruined the bar mitzvah.
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290. - And crippled
an improv troupe!
- Meh. Well.
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291. And that's our show, folks!
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292. - I got this.
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293. Say good night, puddin'.
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294. You think
this is gonna...
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295. stop me?
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296. She even sounds like you.
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297. Oh, I don't think...
Do I sound like...
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298. You never hear
your own voice, I guess.
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299. Sometimes, I just fly
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300. to have a quiet place
to think.
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301. You know, just really let
my thoughts just run wild.
Copy !req
302. Thoughts? Plural?
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303. All right,
I'll get the antidote.
Copy !req
304. And you know, just don't,
like, touch anything.
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305. Uh...
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306. All right, let's boogie.
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307. Kite Man?
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308. Oh, no.
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309. Kite Man. Hell yeah!
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310. What are you doing?
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311. Getting ready to have sex.
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312. Why?
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313. Because after a great date,
you usually have sex.
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314. Sorry, sorry.
I was gonna say something,
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315. but I wanted to see
how all this played out.
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316. - Oh, shut up, Frank.
- Ooh!
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317. I'm gonna need you to
put your clothes back on
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318. because this was not a date.
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319. Excuse me,
if this wasn't a date,
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320. why did you bring me back
to your place?
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321. For the antidote!
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322. Oh, I thought
that was just a line.
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323. - Why would I use
a line on you?
- I don't know!
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324. I mean why would you
even have me come?
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325. I mean, a cab
would've been faster.
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326. You know it, I know it,
we all know it.
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327. Jesus, get dressed.
Copy !req
328. Cut the song.
No Horah for Harley.
Copy !req
329. Hey, it's gonna take
more than a souped up parasol
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330. to keep me
from kicking your ass,
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331. you fat flightless bird.
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332. The mouth on her.
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333. What better way
to become a man than by—
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334. Ooh, than touching
your umbrella? Whoo.
Copy !req
335. Yes, I've been waiting
for this!
Copy !req
336. Any last words
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337. before I kill your dumb blonde,
stupid, smelly...
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338. That's too many adjectives.
Copy !req
339. idiot ass?
Copy !req
340. Hey, Joshua,
make sure you aim it
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341. directly at my head,
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342. 'cause you don't want to miss
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343. in front of your friends
and family.
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344. I won't miss.
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345. I don't know.
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346. That trembly finger's telling
a different story.
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347. It's not trembly.
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348. I just... I've never shot
an umbrella before.
Copy !req
349. I bet there are a lot of things
that you've never done
Copy !req
350. like drunk a beer.
Copy !req
351. I drunk a beer,
like all the time.
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352. I always drunk beers.
Copy !req
353. I bet you still believe
in Santy Claus.
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354. I don't! I'm Jewish
and today, I'm a man.
Copy !req
355. Oh, that's right,
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356. I forgot I'm talking to
a newly grown man.
Copy !req
357. I mean, after all,
you've already
fingerbanged somebody.
Copy !req
358. - Wait, what?
- I mean, you have, haven't you?
Copy !req
359. You didn't lie about such
an important milestone, right?
Copy !req
360. - Yeah, it happened.
- Are you sure?
Copy !req
361. I... I don't know.
Copy !req
362. So, um, obviously,
I misread some signals.
Copy !req
363. Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
364. I hope me taking off my clothes
didn't come across as...
Copy !req
365. Creepy? It did. It didn't. Did.
Copy !req
366. Right. Yeah, no. I apologize.
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367. It's just, I have never been
alone with a woman
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368. of your caliber.
Copy !req
369. - Oh, you don't have to—
- Your eyes, your smile...
Copy !req
370. Your silky, shimmering...
Copy !req
371. Oh, God.
You know what?
Copy !req
372. Strong woman... osity?
The...
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373. I'm gonna be
quiet for a while.
Copy !req
374. You know,
it is kind of cool
Copy !req
375. seeing the park from the sky.
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376. I mean,
when you're not talking,
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377. and we're just kinda
soaring majestically,
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378. you're not so bad.
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379. Hell yeah.
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380. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
381. Something's going on
down there.
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382. I... I don't know.
Copy !req
383. It was at camp, at night.
Copy !req
384. It was me and her
and it was dark.
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385. I definitely did something.
Copy !req
386. Oh, Joshy.
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387. Do you really think
you're ready to kill someone
Copy !req
388. if you've never even
finger blasted a girl?
Copy !req
389. God!
Copy !req
390. I'm not ready.
Copy !req
391. I told you we should've
gotten him the dollhouse
Copy !req
392. like he asked, Oswald.
Copy !req
393. It's not a doll house!
Copy !req
394. It's an army base
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395. with sound effects
of real screams
Copy !req
396. and it's the only thing
I wanted!
Copy !req
397. - You're dead, Quinn.
Copy !req
398. Hell, yeah!
Copy !req
399. Hey, did they do cake yet?
Copy !req
400. Not yet.
Copy !req
401. I though that was gonna be
way cooler.
Copy !req
402. Harley!
Copy !req
403. You're not a solo act.
Copy !req
404. You're a sidekick,
an afterthought.
Copy !req
405. No one is ever going to
take you seriously.
Copy !req
406. Admit you're nothing
without me
Copy !req
407. and you walk away alive.
Copy !req
408. Or you can die.
Copy !req
409. Well, easy choice.
Copy !req
410. Uh, lovely bar mitzvah.
Mazel, mazel.
Copy !req
411. - Are you leaving?
- Ha, no.
Copy !req
412. I ain't admitting shit!
Copy !req
413. Boys?
Copy !req
414. - I got Two-Face.
- I got Scarecrow.
Copy !req
415. I, um...
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416. Oh, dear God.
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417. Oh, wow.
Copy !req
418. You're looming.
Copy !req
419. Um, all right, well,
I'll take, um...
Copy !req
420. If you don't mind,
if you could scooch
just a little.
Copy !req
421. Boom! On-site coordinator.
Copy !req
422. Looking kinda brittle there.
Won't see it comi—
Copy !req
423. I wanna go home.
Copy !req
424. Ive, gun!
Copy !req
425. Got it.
Copy !req
426. Hey!
Copy !req
427. Let's get out of here.
Copy !req
428. No, let's fight.
Maybe Kite Man can help.
Copy !req
429. Bane!
Copy !req
430. Quit dicking around
with Kite Man
Copy !req
431. and get those two.
Copy !req
432. But he was attacking me.
Copy !req
433. With what? A kite?
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434. Just do what I tell you,
you dumb, freakish monster.
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435. Bane, why are you letting him
talk to you like that?
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436. In fact, why do
any of you
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437. let him talk to you like that?
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438. He doesn't even have powers!
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439. His only power is bullying you
into doing what he wants.
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440. I should know.
He did it to me for years.
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441. Don't listen to her.
She's nothing!
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442. She makes a good point.
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443. I don't like
how you called me a monster.
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444. - Yeah, that was pretty harsh.
- Oh, yeah.
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445. Oh, my God!
It's just an expression.
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446. Also, let's talk
about dinner.
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447. I selected the beef
well in advance
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448. and you stole it from me.
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449. You said you didn't even
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450. want to come
to this "stupid thing."
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451. My feelings exactly.
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452. This is a monumental night
for young Joshua.
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453. I'm the Joker, all right?
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454. I was joking, okay?
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455. Oh, my God!
I'll kill Harley myself.
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456. Ivy, if you could just,
you know, move over,
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457. so I could just
kill your friend.
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458. Absolutely.
Over my dead body.
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459. Ugh! Female friendships.
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460. Ha!
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461. Hold on.
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462. I'm getting a cell call
from my contractor.
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463. What? This is the Joker.
Come again. Yeah, whatever.
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464. What do you mean
they're not going
to start till 10:00?
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465. Ugh! Can you believe this?
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466. They're calling it
a residential zone.
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467. It's an
abandoned amusement park
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468. at the end of a rotting pier!
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469. I'll, uh...
Yeah, coming over right now.
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470. Let's put a pin in this.
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471. You understand.
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472. - So, are we good to leave now?
- Yeah.
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473. I can't believe you talked me
into coming to this.
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474. Don't forget
your party favors.
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475. Thank you, Mrs. Cobblepot.
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476. Aw, such sweet girls.
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477. So, do you realize now
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478. that you don't have
to prove to anyone
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479. how awesome you are?
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480. Yes, except for
the Legion of Doom.
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481. I need to get into
the Legion of Doom.
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482. What? After all of this,
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483. why would you wanna be
a part of that club?
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484. Those guys are such dicks.
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485. No, not all of 'em.
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486. When we were leaving,
Bane said, "You go, girl!"
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487. No, he distinctly said,
"Ooh, Go-GURT.
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488. Ooh, what, they had Go-GURT?
Oh, man.
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489. Ivy, listen. Anyone who is
a respected supervillain
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490. is in the Legion of Doom.
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491. That's when you know
you've made it.
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492. If Joker can get in,
so can I!
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493. So that is what I'm gonna do.
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494. What you need to do
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495. is get these 13-year-old boys
out of this apartment.
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496. They're starting to take root.
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497. Ah! Okay, boys.
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498. So, I got the antidote
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499. to turn you back
into humans, okay?
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500. But the only effective way
of doing it
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501. is when
my saliva interacts...
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502. with your saliva.
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503. So, is this a kiss?
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504. No, it's not a kiss.
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505. It is an antidote
delivery system
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506. and nothing more.
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507. You will still be
sexless nerds
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508. by the time
the night is over, okay?
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509. And...
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510. Yuck.
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511. This is procedural, okay?
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512. Yeah, I kissed you
already, buddy.
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513. Yeah, I'm still
a little bit tree.
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514. - Yeah, fuck off,
get out of here.
- Yeah, fuck off, kid.
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