Grandfathered 1x5

1. Oh, oh, whoa-ho-ho. Whoa, whoa.

2. Six of the finest cows in Italy died for this leather.

3. I will not let a child's car seat

4. make a mockery of their sacrifice.

5. Ravi, put her in the front seat.

6. What are you doing? Babies can't ride in the front.

7. Yeah, get a clue, Grandpa.

8. I told you, I don't go by "Grandpa."

9. Well, you told us what the other options are,

10. and "Uncle Happy" and "The Candyman" sound worse.

11. You're Grandpa now,

12. and that's forever.

13. All right... come on, Edie,

14. let's ditch these buzzkills.

15. Put her in shotgun.

16. I refuse to live in a world

17. where laws protect human life over fine Italian leather.

18. Ready, kid?

19. Sir, I can't emphasize enough

20. how little I care about the six Italian cows

21. that died for your car's interior.

22. Could you at least put a note on the ticket

23. that said we looked really cool when you pulled us over?

24. Did you bring a car seat with you?

25. Hey, we're home!

26. Oh, only a half hour late.

27. Did you cut your Pilates short?

28. No. Like Dario would ever let me leave early.

29. Oh, what the...? Ugh. You know you need

30. to change her diapers sometimes, right?

31. She still wears diapers?

32. She didn't mention it to me.

33. Oh. Oh.

34. Hey, champ.

35. Hey, Candyman. I need your help.

36. What's up?

37. We're parked in.

38. Move the frickin' car, bro!

39. It's not my car. I'm just walking by.

40. I didn't say it's your car. Figure it out.

41. Dad, I need you to take Edie

42. to the Van Amburg Academy Preschool open house.

43. Uh, technically, my Edie shift is over.

44. I was just ready to clock out.

45. By the way, what kind of preschool

46. has an open house, anyway?

47. An awesome one.

48. Look, Van Amburg Academy has a robotics program,

49. a ballet program,

50. a-a meteorology center.

51. Oh, no, that place is so elitist.

52. I think Edie would be better off at Gerald's old preschool.

53. Is that my mom? Mom,

54. I don't want her going to a preschool

55. in a Russian lady's backyard.

56. You loved the Russian lady.

57. She sent you home every day with a cup of soup.

58. Okroshka! All there was to eat was okroshka.

59. Van Amburg Academy is, like, the number one preschool in L.A.

60. Yeah, according to some awful book

61. that profits off of yuppie parents

62. who view everything as a competition.

63. There's a book that says it's number one? Where is it?

64. It's... Hmm. Well, you know,

65. as a guy who owns the number one restaurant in L.A.,

66. certainly I want my granddaughter

67. going to the number one preschool in L.A.

68. I thought you were number 24.

69. Oh, you can't trust those lists.

70. All right, Gerald,

71. I'll take Edie. You will?

72. Ah, thank you! Um, um, we'll try to meet you there.

73. I think Vanessa's handling the car problem.

74. A little help?

75. Suck it in, pork chop, suck it in.

76. You got to lay off those breakfast burritos.

77. Here, allow me.

78. Ah. Oh, thank you,

79. attractive stranger.

80. Congratulations— you win a baby!

81. Oh, I hope was hoping to win of those today.

82. No, I'm just kidding.

83. You know, for a second there,

84. I thought you were the same guy I saw earlier

85. driving with a little kid in the front seat.

86. I would never do that. That's, like, a... $265 ticket.

87. No, I know, I know. I tried to stop him,

88. but he was blasting Taylor Swift and couldn't hear me.

89. Oh, I'm sure he was probably just blasting it for the child's sake.

90. Oh, no, no. She was crying.

91. He was... lovin' it.

92. Oh. Not everyone can be

93. a law-abiding father like you are.

94. Oh. I'm not her father. Actually, I'm her...

95. father.

96. Isn't that what I just said?

97. No. No, you didn't say that. Hi. I'm Jimmy. Hi.

98. This is Edie.

99. Aw. Say hi.

100. Hi, Edie. I'm Sloan.

101. Are you guys visiting the school?

102. Uh-huh. I work in the admissions office.

103. Oh. Yeah. Come on.

104. Here. Follow me.

105. 'Kay.

106. E-Edie. Edie!

107. My daughter.

108. Hey, come to Daddy.

109. Mm, our campus is wonderful.

110. But what really sets us apart is our founder,

111. Dr. Charles Van Amburg, and his revolutionary

112. Pathways of the Mind curriculum. Hm.

113. That's what makes us the best. Ah, well, as someone

114. who only wants the best, I like what I'm hearing.

115. Congratulations. We're in.

116. Oh. Uh...

117. I'm sorry, that's not really how it works, so...

118. We get over

119. a thousand applicants every year for 20 spots.

120. I didn't even know there were a thousand two-year-olds. Yuck.

121. Yeah. I don't mean to sound discouraging,

122. but your chances of getting in are very slim.

123. Eh.

124. But enjoy the campus.

125. Come on, Edie, let's check out a school you'll never get into,

126. and then after, I'll take you to a store

127. and burn a doll in front of you.

128. I could fit. I'll meet you inside.

129. All right, go. Go, go.

130. Hi. Hi.

131. Uh, I'm Gerald Kingsley, Edie's dad. Sorry I'm late.

132. Edie's dad? I thought Jimmy was Edi...

133. Oh. Duh.

134. Uh, come on, follow me.

135. I'll show you where she is. Okay.

136. Oh.

137. Edie, look what I made.

138. Ooh. Ooh.

139. Oh, yours is good, too. Yeah.

140. Yeah. Let me see what you made.

141. Oh, that's nice!

142. You know, you can't be the cutest girl in the world

143. and the smartest— you got to spread it around a little bit.

144. You don't want haters, right?

145. Edie?

146. Your other dad is here.

147. Oh, my goodness!

148. Oh-ho! What?

149. "Other dad"?

150. Hey...

151. Ah.

152. You guys are such an adorable couple.

153. I'll be right back.

154. Bye, now! What's going on?

155. Don't know. Also don't care. Should we go?

156. Uh, let me just... let me just guess.

157. Yeah. You couldn't admit that you're a grandpa,

158. so you told her that you're Edie's dad,

159. and so that when I told her I was also Edie's dad,

160. instead of assuming you were lying—

161. 'cause that would be a crazy lie—

162. she thinks that we're Edie's two gay dads?

163. Yes.

164. How did you mess this up so quickly,

165. so badly and so creepily?

166. News flash: it's 2015— being gay is not creepy, it's cool.

167. Being... gay with your dad is creepy. Hi, kids.

168. Well, look, if it makes you feel any better,

169. Sloan said that Edie has no chance

170. of getting in here. What?

171. Hi... Sloan. Listen,

172. I should've been honest with you...

173. Ah-ah, don't be silly.

174. Van Amburg Academy is very progressive.

175. And we value diversity.

176. I'm not supposed to tell you this,

177. but we are always looking for families like yours.

178. We think you guys are fabulous!

179. Oh, we-we love the word "fabulous."

180. Don't we? Y-Yeah.

181. Fabulous. Oh!

182. I'm gonna go ahead and I'm gonna

183. set up an in-home interview,

184. and I will have Dr. Van Amburg

185. do it himself.

186. He's gonna love you guys!

187. This campus rules!

188. I changed my mind— I want to be buried here

189. instead of at Staples Center.

190. Jimmy, what did you do?

191. You're not really doing this, are you?

192. Trying to benefit from the gay struggle without the struggle?

193. Or the gay? Ah, I didn't want any of this.

194. I was living my life, quietly dating Anna Kournikova's cousin,

195. and all of a sudden, my son shows up,

196. and we're supposed to be lovers.

197. Man, this is crazy.

198. Let's just cancel the interview.

199. Yeah? What?

200. No way, dummies. We are not canceling!

201. A good preschool is the difference

202. between Edie becoming president,

203. or becoming a spring break shot girl in Lake Havasu.

204. And I've seen Edie dance.

205. She's got some Havasu in her.

206. It's terrifying.

207. Uh, we'd have to do

208. the home interview with the headmaster.

209. He's never gonna believe we're a couple.

210. I have no idea what it's like to be in a homosexual relationship.

211. It's like being in any other relationship.

212. I have no idea what that's like, either.

213. And even if Edie gets in,

214. what, are we supposed

215. to keep up this lie forever?

216. You can get through one interview.

217. After she's accepted, just say you dumped Jimmy.

218. Or Jimmy dumped him. Yeah, it makes more sense.

219. Right. I mean... Whatever.

220. It's really not that crazy.

221. Yes, it is. Lying like this is crazy.

222. Everyone lies on applications.

223. You know, maybe you two are just homophobic.

224. Uh... What?

225. Vanessa, that makes me angry to hear you say that.

226. Annelise, tell her how happy I was

227. when-when same sex marriage got legalized. Tell her, tell her.

228. Oh, it's true, like many straight people these days,

229. you made a very big show of how excited you were.

230. Full-on tears of joy.

231. Okay, then. Great.

232. Let's do what's best for Edie, and let's have the interview.

233. I always said I'd do anything for Edie.

234. But from now on, maybe I'll stop saying that.

235. Look at all these fun projects

236. from your old preschool.

237. Yeah. Here.

238. Oh, this is a snowman or a house.

239. Oh!

240. Edie would love it there.

241. And bonus: you don't have to pretend you sleep with your dad.

242. Mom, you know, you always say how great my preschool was,

243. but I do live in your guest house.

244. You know, if I'd gone to Van Amburg Academy, who knows?

245. Maybe I'd be living in Elon Musk's guest house.

246. Oh, poor Gerald. You had it so rough.

247. I'm not saying you made a mistake sending me there.

248. I'm not saying that, either. Is that what you're saying?

249. What are you saying? Well, I'm saying...

250. I got to go.

251. We're setting up for the interview at Dad's place.

252. My boyfriend's place, my...

253. You two deserve each other.

254. Do you think I was a bad mom?

255. Ball.

256. No. That was a "no." I heard that.

257. Ah.

258. Oh.

259. Okay, for the interview tomorrow,

260. we need to make your condo look more

261. convincing. Gerald, gay people can live in all kinds of places.

262. I saw this thing where a gay guy was living on a boat.

263. I'm actually more worried about them believing

264. that a family lives here.

265. Which is why

266. I had Annelise make up some fake old photos of us. Here.

267. Wow. Annelise, you're an artist!

268. This looks so real.

269. Check it out. We're at the Capitol Building.

270. We're dog-sledding in Alaska.

271. We're celebrating the launch

272. of the Hubble Telescope. We work at NASA?

273. Oh, that's what's ridiculous about this situation?

274. All right, so, we have pictures of us.

275. We are... done.

276. One more thing.

277. We need to make it look like a baby actually lives here.

278. How about, uh... gay club?

279. That's where you want to say we went on our first date?

280. Mm-hmm. A gay club? Yeah.

281. What's wrong with a gay club? What's wrong

282. with having a place to feel safe and have fun?

283. It's just a little on the nose, don't you think?

284. I mean, I mean, you know,

285. we could go anywhere you normally go.

286. If I were a girl, where would you take me on a first date?

287. If you were a girl, I wouldn't take you

288. on a date, because we're gay, see?

289. Yeah, I got to get to work. Oh, yeah, of course, right?

290. We can't have one nice night together.

291. It's just work, work, work, work with you.

292. Maybe if someone had a little discipline

293. with the credit cards.

294. This is weird.

295. Weird, right? Oh, there he goes.

296. Kids leaving stuff everywhere. It's okay. Edie hated that.

297. I can't wait for this interview to be over so I can get

298. my apartment back to normal. You know,

299. I mean, it might make sense for you to leave this stuff up.

300. Edie's gonna be over here a lot, and got a family now.

301. You should have a family house.

302. Face it, Grandpa,

303. you're gonna be a grandpa forever.

304. Ladies.

305. Did anyone check their IDs before they served them alcohol?

306. They look a little underage.

307. Hey.

308. Mm. There's a, uh, woman over there asking about you.

309. But don't worry. I already told her

310. you're in a monogamous relationship with your son.

311. All right, all right, all right, hey, hey, hey.

312. Perfect.

313. Hi.

314. Sloan. Uh, what are you doing here?

315. Well, I was just having dinner down the road, and

316. I remembered that you said you had a restaurant around here.

317. Stopped by to make sure you weren't lying.

318. How about a drink?

319. You want a...? I'm gonna have a drink.

320. You want a drink? Sure.

321. Thanks. Seriously,

322. why are all the hottest guys gay?

323. We're not all gay. No.

324. Yes, you are, and you know it.

325. Gerald's not so bad, either.

326. Yeah, no, he's-he's definitely

327. the second hottest guy in our relationship.

328. Okay, I don't know about that. He is the younger one,

329. you dog, you.

330. You might be old enough to be his father.

331. Yeah, but I'm-I'm not his father, though.

332. Yeah, I know.

333. Okay, so tell me how you guys met.

334. Oh, you'll never guess.

335. Playing sports.

336. And then came Edie.

337. Mm. And life has never been the same, I bet.

338. Nope, nope, my old life was gone.

339. Just poof.

340. But you're the happiest you've ever been.

341. My bachelor pad is baby-proofed.

342. There's crumbs and stickers everywhere.

343. Basically clocked in all the time now.

344. I mean, every day is family day.

345. It's just... oh.

346. It is so refreshing to see how committed you are.

347. I mean, seriously, most guys I know

348. would be just terrified to get rid of their old life.

349. You know, they're just desperately holding on

350. to their so-called manhood in some way. It's just...

351. I'm a terrible boyfriend.

352. All right, Edie, I really hope you don't understand

353. what's happening, but it's all for you.

354. You okay? You look a little nervous.

355. Ha. No. The only thing I'm nervous about is what...

356. Ivy League college Edie's gonna get into.

357. I see her as a, uh... as a Cromwell girl. Yeah.

358. No, I see her going to more of a real university

359. that you didn't just make up.

360. Okay,

361. they're here. Vanessa, you want

362. to get the door? Okay, guys, guys,

363. don't you dare screw this up,

364. okay? Be cool.

365. We got this.

366. The baby. Get the baby.

367. Hello! Hello.

368. I'm Barbara.

369. I have a black belt in karate and...

370. Uh, Barbara's our babysitter.

371. Uh, that'll be all for now, Barbara.

372. Yes, thank you, Barbara.

373. I'm Charles Van Amburg. You must be Jimmy and Gerald.

374. Yes. Which would make you...

375. Edie. Yes!

376. Which would make me Barbara.

377. And that's Annelise, our-our...

378. wacky neighbor, who comes over uninvited and eats all our food.

379. I'm their Kramer.

380. Uh, come on in.

381. Um, I'm sorry the place is such a mess.

382. Someone over here is a real slob.

383. Uh, let me give you the tour, yes?

384. Thank you.

385. Oh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

386. Hi. Sorry. I'm late.

387. Sloan. I didn't know you were coming.

388. Well, here I am. You know, you ran out of the restaurant

389. so fast, we didn't get a chance to talk about what happened.

390. Oh, you mean that silly little kiss?

391. That was nothing. I kiss everyone.

392. I'm ridiculous.

393. Are you two even gay?

394. That was not the kiss of a gay man.

395. Uh, Ger? Ger.

396. Kiss me. What?

397. Kiss me. Kiss me. No. No. What? What's going on?

398. Dr. Van Amburg, would you like to see a picture of Ger and I

399. when we were... working at NASA?

400. And now my son

401. wants Edie to go to this pretentious private school,

402. and I just remember how this was such a special place for Gerald.

403. Tsiliana, you've... made quite a few changes.

404. No. School exactly the same.

405. Same toys, same playground, same stove.

406. Nyet. We even have same magic box.

407. Oh, my God, that's an abandoned refrigerator.

408. Not according to child imagination.

409. It can be jail, time machine, other kind of jail.

410. No. No, that definitely was not here before.

411. There's no way I would have left Gerald in a playground

412. with an abandoned refrigerator.

413. You were single mother, da?

414. Yes. What does that have to do with anything?

415. Single mothers tough.

416. They do the best they can.

417. They don't worry about abandoned fridge in playground.

418. But now you older, you have more money, more time.

419. Now you worry.

420. Now you soft.

421. Oh, my God.

422. I want Edie to go to Van Amburg Academy.

423. Ooh, Van Amburg Academy.

424. That's where my kids go.

425. So, Dr. Van Amburg, as Edie's babysitter, Barbara,

426. I would love to hear more about the school's curriculum.

427. Do you have karate?

428. We tailor each child's curriculum to meet

429. their individual cognitive and emotional needs.

430. But what really makes our school special

431. are the families, which is why

432. we're so thorough in our selection process.

433. So, how long have you two been together?

434. Four years.

435. What's your anniversary?

436. September 29.

437. Where was your first date?

438. The train museum at Griffith Park.

439. Sloan,

440. why all the questions? I'm sorry.

441. I just, uh... I think it's important

442. that we know as much as we can about our families.

443. Well, as you can see, we're very open.

444. Yes. Clearly.

445. Hi!

446. I'm Sara. I'm Gerald's mom

447. and Edie's grandmother.

448. Hello, Sara. Hi.

449. We can't tell you how excited we are

450. about Edie attending Van Amburg Academy.

451. It's always been a dream of mine.

452. Well, it is lovely to meet another member

453. of the family. Where was Gerald and Jimmy's first date?

454. Gr-Griffith Park.

455. It was so nice to meet you.

456. I... What? Yes!

457. I...

458. have to go there.

459. She's a little...

460. mmm. We take care of her.

461. That's sweet. Well, it's been a pleasure chatting with you all.

462. You seem like a lovely family. I can see how you would be

463. wonderful additions to our school community.

464. Thank you. Thank you.

465. Jimmy kissed me!

466. What? What? What?

467. This is the best.

468. You kissed her?

469. It was just a kiss.

470. Y-You know how us gay guys are.

471. We're either playing sports or kissing girls.

472. How could you do that, Dad? "Dad"?

473. Are you two father and son?

474. No. No. That would be weird.

475. Right? Yeah.

476. I don't know what's going on here, but it doesn't seem good.

477. I think this interview is over.

478. Wait. Wait. Would the... Should...

479. Look at... us. I mean, we're... mmm. See?

480. What is wrong with you?

481. Pretending to be a couple

482. so that your daughter gets preferential treatment

483. is... Exactly

484. the kind of moxie Van Amburg Academy is looking for?

485. vile and offensive.

486. I knew it was either "moxie" or "vile and offensive."

487. You two royally screwed that up, right?

488. Right?

489. I'm sorry, guys.

490. I guess I really screwed up.

491. Looks like I'll be sleeping on the stained couch tonight.

492. It's okay. You know, we tried something really stupid,

493. and it didn't work out, but...

494. now we have a story we can tell for the rest of our lives.

495. Yeah, I'll say. It's better than making up fake stories

496. like these. And, Mom, look,

497. if the Russian lady's preschool was good enough

498. for me, I'm sure... Not an option. She died.

499. Oh.

500. Well, then we bow our heads and say...

501. So, what's the next preschool we should try?

502. Oh, well, see...

503. now, that depends on what kind.

504. I marked up this whole book. We have, uh,

505. play-based, Montessori, of course, Jewish Temple...

506. What?

507. What are you guys looking at?

508. My glasses?

509. Oh. I lost my good ones.

510. You must really care about this. You're reading a book.

511. Oh, you can leave that one.

512. Really? Like, for other people to see?

513. Yeah. You know, an ex-boyfriend once told me

514. that I should get used to being a grandpa.

515. The truth is, I'm actually starting to...

516. adapt to this whole situation.

517. That's sweet. You called your family a situation.

518. Did you hear that, Edie? We've been upgraded.

519. We used to be an accident.