1. So I took that baby and I ran.Copy !req
2. I ran like the wind
to that hospital,Copy !req
3. must've been five or six miles,Copy !req
4. and... when I got there,
I handed her to the doctorCopy !req
5. just in the nick of time.Copy !req
6. Or else she
wouldn't have made it?Copy !req
7. Let's just be glad
we didn't have to find out.Copy !req
8. And this is the daughter of
the son you didn't know you had?Copy !req
9. Yeah, that part's not important.Copy !req
10. So that makes you a grandfather?Copy !req
11. Does it? I don't really let
labels define me.Copy !req
12. That's an amazing story.Copy !req
13. Mm.Copy !req
14. Mmm. It's crazy, all these yearsCopy !req
15. your son never knew his father.Copy !req
16. I mean, it's basically
exactly my story.Copy !req
17. I wish I knew who my father was.Copy !req
18. He's out there somewhere.Copy !req
19. Mmm, mmm...Copy !req
20. You know anything
about your father?Copy !req
21. No. He was just some guy
who slept around a lot.Copy !req
22. Oh.Copy !req
23. Oh, I love your place.Copy !req
24. So...Copy !req
25. where were you born?Copy !req
26. Right here, baby.
Oh.Copy !req
27. That's very cool.Copy !req
28. So, your mom,
what was her story...Copy !req
29. back in the day?Copy !req
30. I think she was
a bartender.Copy !req
31. Ah.Copy !req
32. You know what, um, what bar
she worked at, by any chance?Copy !req
33. Why are we still
talking about my mom?Copy !req
34. It's kind of
killing the vibe.Copy !req
35. I don't mean
to kill the vibe.
Okay.Copy !req
36. I just... thought
it'd be extra romanticCopy !req
37. if... I knew for sureCopy !req
38. that... you aren't
my daughter.Copy !req
39. What?Copy !req
40. I just found out thatCopy !req
41. I have a son
that I didn't know about,Copy !req
42. and it's... you know, it's just
sort of in my head now.Copy !req
43. I mean, what if
there are others out there?Copy !req
44. I slept with a lot of bartenders
in the late '80s.Copy !req
45. I mean, there was
this movie called CocktailCopy !req
46. that came out,
and for some reasonCopy !req
47. it just made me extremely horny.Copy !req
48. Do you have a picture
of your mother?Copy !req
49. 'Cause... No, you know what?Copy !req
50. No, that wouldn't
help at all.Copy !req
51. Send her my picture.Copy !req
52. No, I'm not sending my mom
your picture,Copy !req
53. and I'm not calling her
to find out what barCopy !req
54. in Toronto she worked at
when I was conceived.Copy !req
55. Oh. Well...Copy !req
56. I've never been to Toronto.Copy !req
57. Problem solved.Copy !req
58. Good news.Copy !req
59. I'm not your father.Copy !req
60. Where were we?Copy !req
61. I'll just call you a cab, huh?Copy !req
62. Hey, kid. All right.Copy !req
63. Nice to see you. Frank.Copy !req
64. Hey, boss, you are
looking good tonight.Copy !req
65. Thanks, Ravi.
No. Thank you for being
such a pleasure to look at.Copy !req
66. Hey, boss.Copy !req
67. Looking good.
Hair's on point.Copy !req
68. What the hell's going on?
Why would something be going on?Copy !req
69. 'Cause you never compliment me
unless you want something.Copy !req
70. Hey, Jimmy?
And you went
for a hair compliment,Copy !req
71. which you know is my weakness.
I mean...
Jimmy? Jimmy?Copy !req
72. why don't you try a little
subtlety out? What, Ravi?Copy !req
73. No, I just wanted to reiterateCopy !req
74. that you're looking
good tonight.Copy !req
75. I know what's going on
with you two.Copy !req
76. You two want to be my plus one
for Diddy's White PartyCopy !req
77. this Saturday,
so you're buttering me up.Copy !req
78. Let me tell you something.
I don't play that game.Copy !req
79. I play this game. Both of you
have to write a song about me.Copy !req
80. The better song gets you
into the party with me.Copy !req
81. I'm not writing a
song about you.Copy !req
82. And we have a winner!Copy !req
83. Annelise, you're in.
What?
Yes!Copy !req
84. Wait. What? Why?
It was always
gonna be Annelise.Copy !req
85. Oh, hey, you need to stop by
table 12 before they go.Copy !req
86. Ugh! Why?Copy !req
87. Because it's your family,Copy !req
88. and you invited them,
but you barely saidCopy !req
89. so much as "hello"
the entire night.Copy !req
90. Right, my family. I forgotCopy !req
91. I have one of those now.Copy !req
92. How great is this?Copy !req
93. You know, our first
family dinner with my dad.Copy !req
94. Well, there's a lot of dinner,
not a lot of dad.Copy !req
95. He's around.Copy !req
96. You know, he showed us
to our table.Copy !req
97. He sent the crumb guy over.Copy !req
98. We saw him tell that joke.Copy !req
99. Couldn't hear it.
Looked hilarious.Copy !req
100. And besides,Copy !req
101. how often do my mama
and my baby mamaCopy !req
102. get to have dinner together?Copy !req
103. Shell-fie!Copy !req
104. All right, hashtag
wordplay, hashtag Jimmy's,Copy !req
105. hashtag— oh—
strong-not-skinny.Copy !req
106. What's your user name?
I'll tag you.Copy !req
107. It's "I'm a 46-year-old woman."Copy !req
108. Hey! So good
to see you all again!Copy !req
109. It's great to be here.Copy !req
110. I only came because
Gerald wanted me to.Copy !req
111. Thank you for making that clear.Copy !req
112. And because I assume
the food is free.Copy !req
113. We'll see.Copy !req
114. Well, it was great
to see you all.Copy !req
115. I'm gonna go put out some fires.Copy !req
116. It's-it's crazy tonight.Copy !req
117. Oh, no, it's not.Copy !req
118. It's actually
really smooth.Copy !req
119. Stop talking?Copy !req
120. Okay.
Oh.Copy !req
121. All right.Copy !req
122. Good-bye, pork chop.
Bye.Copy !req
123. Great seeing your
cute little face.Copy !req
124. Yeah. Which
reminds me.Copy !req
125. We still don't allow
children here,Copy !req
126. so could you put a coat over
her head when you take her out?Copy !req
127. Or we could slide down
your garbage chute.Copy !req
128. No. We don't have
a garbage chute.Copy !req
129. We're on street level.Copy !req
130. Uh, you know, I'm gonna go talk
to Jimmy real quick.Copy !req
131. Talk amongst yourselves.Copy !req
132. Hi.Copy !req
133. How old did you
say you were?Copy !req
134. Oh, we don't need
to talk about that.Copy !req
135. Hey, Dad... or, uh, Jimmy.Copy !req
136. Hey!
Hey.Copy !req
137. Uh, you know, it was really fun
seeing you tonight.Copy !req
138. Yeah, uh, but I was thinking
it would be funCopy !req
139. to see you sometime
when you're not working.Copy !req
140. Are you kidding me?
I'd love that.Copy !req
141. You tell me when,
and I'll be there.Copy !req
142. Great! Uh, come spend the day
with us on Saturday.Copy !req
143. Eh, Saturday's not good.
You sure? We got
a whole family outing planned.Copy !req
144. Yeah, we're gonna go
to the beach,Copy !req
145. cruise through a drive-throughCopy !req
146. or, you know, eat inside
if we're feeling crazy.Copy !req
147. I can't. I got to go
to this party.Copy !req
148. And it's not just any party.
It's Diddy's White Party.Copy !req
149. And it's not just any
Diddy's White Party.Copy !req
150. It's the first
Diddy's White PartyCopy !req
151. to hit the West Coast
since 2009.Copy !req
152. Oh, like El Niño.
Is that a rapper?Copy !req
153. The El Niño
Southern Oscillation?Copy !req
154. It's a weather pattern.
Yeah, it's a rapper.Copy !req
155. See, Gerald, this is
very important to me.Copy !req
156. I mean,
it's a good chance for meCopy !req
157. to do some networking
for the restaurant,Copy !req
158. there's a whole
charity component,Copy !req
159. Kate Upton might be there.Copy !req
160. I get it. Yeah,
I just thought it'd be funCopy !req
161. for you to, uh, see
what a family weekend's like.Copy !req
162. But, uh, I'll send you pictures.Copy !req
163. Okay.
Okay.Copy !req
164. What, Ravi?Copy !req
165. Are you really gonna blow
off your kid like that?Copy !req
166. I'm not blowing him off.Copy !req
167. I'm just setting
some boundaries.Copy !req
168. Everybody thinks that, uh,
when you have a family,Copy !req
169. you have to give up
your old life.Copy !req
170. Well, guess what.
My old life is amazing.Copy !req
171. I don't know if I'm cut out
to be those dadsCopy !req
172. I see on Sunday
when I drive by the zoo.Copy !req
173. It's like, uh...
Oh, you know what?Copy !req
174. I wrote down this really
smart observation. Hold on.Copy !req
175. One second.
Uh, it's like, um...Copy !req
176. "It's like those people
are the ones in cages."Copy !req
177. You were driving, and you
stopped to write that down?
Yeah.Copy !req
178. Hmm.
Look at me.Copy !req
179. I worked very hard
to be this kind of man.Copy !req
180. This is the kind of man people
see at Diddy's White PartyCopy !req
181. and say, "Yes, he should be
at Diddy's White Party."Copy !req
182. Not the kind of man
that's sitting in the backCopy !req
183. of a station wagon,
singing songs, with a fanny packCopy !req
184. full of wipes. That's
reasonable, right, Victor?Copy !req
185. A horse kicked me
in the penis when I was 16,Copy !req
186. and now I can't have children.Copy !req
187. Jimmy, when my wife
left me last autumn,Copy !req
188. it felt like I got kicked
in the penis by a horse.
No, it didn't.Copy !req
189. My point is,
seize every momentCopy !req
190. with your family,
Jimmy, trust me.Copy !req
191. You know, maybe you're right.Copy !req
192. I'm trying to set boundaries,
and maybe I don't even want to.Copy !req
193. I mean, they're not so bad,
right?Copy !req
194. I mean, I like that baby, and
the kid clearly needs my help.Copy !req
195. What's one more party?Copy !req
196. I've been to so many parties.Copy !req
197. And Kate Upton probably won't
even show up.Copy !req
198. She never shows up.Copy !req
199. Yeah, a family day would
be good. Maybe I'll do that.Copy !req
200. If you're not going to the
party, can I go instead?
No.Copy !req
201. Can I go?Copy !req
202. God, you guys ready? Jimmy said
he'll be here any minute.Copy !req
203. Just so you know, based on
when I was dating him,Copy !req
204. that could mean anything
from "he'll be here soon"Copy !req
205. to "we'll never see him again."Copy !req
206. He'll be here.
He texted that he's excited.Copy !req
207. No, you texted him,
"Are you excited?"Copy !req
208. And he texted back, "Okay."Copy !req
209. What up? What up?Copy !req
210. What up with you?Copy !req
211. Oh, sorry, that wasn't for
you. Got to do this again.Copy !req
212. What up? What up?Copy !req
213. It's family fun
day, bitches!Copy !req
214. Hey, I knowCopy !req
215. you have a tremendous
soul-killing crush on her.Copy !req
216. Sure do.
Can I ask why?Copy !req
217. Aside from the fact that she's
the mother of your child?Copy !req
218. And that?Copy !req
219. Look, it's like an M. Night
Shyamalan movie, you know?Copy !req
220. You think you got it all
figured out, and bang!Copy !req
221. You know, it hits you
with a crazy awesome surpriseCopy !req
222. you never saw coming.Copy !req
223. So Vanessa's been
dead the entire time?Copy !req
224. Just try to get
to know her, all right?Copy !req
225. No! Maybe.Copy !req
226. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
227. Now it's a family Saturday.
Pop-Pop's here!Copy !req
228. No. Jimmy. Jimmy's here.Copy !req
229. That is a bold hat choice
you got going there, kiddo.Copy !req
230. I got you one.Copy !req
231. Um, you ready to go?Copy !req
232. Uh, do you have your swimsuit on
under that actual suit?Copy !req
233. We're gonna take Edie into
the water for the first time.Copy !req
234. Oh, I don't swim.
Old football injury.Copy !req
235. He thinks his legs
are too skinny.Copy !req
236. He always has, and he
never played football.Copy !req
237. Yes, because
my legs are too skinny.Copy !req
238. No worries.Copy !req
239. Family fun day, y'all!Copy !req
240. Let's do this! Yeah.Copy !req
241. Did everyone pee?Copy !req
242. I need to pee.
Just do it now. Yeah?Copy !req
243. Want to do it now?
Guys, Jimmy has to move his car.Copy !req
244. I can't believe
I used to thinkCopy !req
245. the world outside this
party was worth living in.Copy !req
246. Hey, when this thing ends,
do you promise you'll kill me?Copy !req
247. Promise you'll kill me, too?Copy !req
248. Same time.Copy !req
249. Yeah!Copy !req
250. Should we try to harmonize?Copy !req
251. Sure, let's do that.
You go high,
I'll go low.Copy !req
252. All right,
six hot dogs.
You want ice cream?Copy !req
253. Two Cokes...
Ooh, yeah.Copy !req
254. I got ketchup...
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.Copy !req
255. Ketchup on my...Copy !req
256. Jimmy?Copy !req
257. No.Copy !req
258. Steve?Copy !req
259. Yeah. Yeah, that's me.Copy !req
260. We just got
to scope out a spot.Copy !req
261. Look at him. He's
making Dad Face.Copy !req
262. What's Dad Face?Copy !req
263. What him and the other
dads are making.Copy !req
264. Are you really
criticizing his face?Copy !req
265. No, I like his face.
He's got my face.Copy !req
266. He just doesn't
know how to use it.
Guys!Copy !req
267. I found a spot
near the garbage can!Copy !req
268. Let's set up by the garbage!Copy !req
269. The garbage!Copy !req
270. Yeah, I got it. Garbage.Copy !req
271. So, you take a lot
of pictures of yourself.Copy !req
272. Thank you. Yeah, it's
self-expression, you know?Copy !req
273. Gives me a way
to be artistic.Copy !req
274. So what's new with you?Copy !req
275. What's the latest
in the life of my son'sCopy !req
276. friend who he had
a child with?Copy !req
277. Actually, I think I've figured
out my five-year plan.Copy !req
278. Really?
Yeah. I'm gonna
make instructionalCopy !req
279. makeup videos
on YouTube.Copy !req
280. Uh-huh.
Yeah.Copy !req
281. All right!
Beach setup complete!Copy !req
282. Uh, but we'll need
more wet wipesCopy !req
283. if we're gonna be
here till 7:00.Copy !req
284. We're gonna be here
till night?Copy !req
285. Yeah. That's when
the ghost crabs come out.Copy !req
286. And?Copy !req
287. And they put on quite the show.Copy !req
288. All right, all right, okay.Copy !req
289. You know what?
You and I—Copy !req
290. we're gonna go get
some wet wipes, okay?
Okay.Copy !req
291. Uh, I can go, too.Copy !req
292. Oh, no, no.Copy !req
293. Stay here and keep
Vanessa company.Copy !req
294. Perfect.Copy !req
295. What are we doing here?Copy !req
296. We're on a wipe run.Copy !req
297. Welcome to the White Party.Copy !req
298. Oh.Copy !req
299. Did you say White Party
or Wipe Party?Copy !req
300. Will you stop
thinking about wipes?
Okay.Copy !req
301. It's just,
we're on a wipe run, you know.Copy !req
302. Get out of the car!Copy !req
303. Wipe party would be crazy.Copy !req
304. Hide the car. Hey, meet us out
in front in 15 seconds.Copy !req
305. We're coming in hot.Copy !req
306. Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat!Copy !req
307. Wait, wait, wait.
We're just gonna ditch everyone?Copy !req
308. It's family fun day!Copy !req
309. What are we? Family.Copy !req
310. What are we
having? Fun.Copy !req
311. What time is it? Day.Copy !req
312. How far do you think we are
from Mom and them?Copy !req
313. Stop making that face!Copy !req
314. They're gonna be fine.
It's us I'm worried about.Copy !req
315. Gerry, just because
you have a familyCopy !req
316. doesn't mean you
have to be trapped.Copy !req
317. It's like... it's like
those guys at the zoo—Copy !req
318. how they're the animals.Copy !req
319. What?
Never mind. When you
came to find me, what...Copy !req
320. What was it? You wanted me
to help you be cool, right?Copy !req
321. Well, this is me helping.Copy !req
322. You're a young man. You
got to experience some...Copy !req
323. Hi.Copy !req
324. some fun.Copy !req
325. What do you say?Copy !req
326. All right. Let's go in.Copy !req
327. Okay.
Okay.Copy !req
328. Bands? Wrist bands.Copy !req
329. Damn it!Copy !req
330. Come on.Copy !req
331. Sorry.Copy !req
332. I'm gonna go walk
into the ocean.Copy !req
333. Oh, gift bags? Yes!Copy !req
334. I'm just gonna move
over here.Copy !req
335. Hi, there.
Oh, God.Copy !req
336. Mind if we lay down
a little heartbeat?Copy !req
337. No, thank you.
Yeah. That would be dope.Copy !req
338. How dope is this?Copy !req
339. I love drum circles.Copy !req
340. Cool.Copy !req
341. We're not wearing white.Copy !req
342. It's okay. Diddy's done
way worse at my house.Copy !req
343. Girls! Hi.Copy !req
344. Hey, man.
No, no, no,
no, no, no.Copy !req
345. Sorry. Uh, how long
do you want to stay?Copy !req
346. I want to make sure
we get back to Edie and them.Copy !req
347. Relax. Enjoy yourself.
We're at a party.Copy !req
348. Hey, look— food that
doesn't come with a toy.Copy !req
349. Oh, try the tuna.Copy !req
350. You're kidding, right?Copy !req
351. Bluefin tuna's
crazy overfished.Copy !req
352. Yeah, because
it's so delicious.Copy !req
353. I'm with you!
Eating tuna is not cool.Copy !req
354. Can I ask you a random question?
What sign are you?Copy !req
355. I'm an Aries.Copy !req
356. Yeah, but astrology's
complete junk science.Copy !req
357. Oh, my god, I'm an Aries, too!Copy !req
358. What are the odds?Copy !req
359. Uh, one in 12.Copy !req
360. What up? What up?Copy !req
361. I'm at a drum circle
gettin' my groove on.Copy !req
362. Super hot out here.Copy !req
363. We wish you
were here.Copy !req
364. I'm sorry. How much longer
will we be enjoying this?Copy !req
365. Not much longer.Copy !req
366. Four, five hours maybe.
15 tops.Copy !req
367. Well, how about moving
to another spot?Copy !req
368. Hey, you don't own the beach,
one-percenter.Copy !req
369. A one-percenter? No, I'm...Copy !req
370. I'm a middle-class
social worker!Copy !req
371. I was just worrying about money
the other day.Copy !req
372. I...Copy !req
373. Who threw that?Copy !req
374. Who the hell threw
that at my baby?Copy !req
375. Go throw your
drum in the ocean.Copy !req
376. Do it!Copy !req
377. What are you looking at,
Game of Thrones?Copy !req
378. Okay, baby, is it
sunscreen time again?Copy !req
379. Ooh.Copy !req
380. Yeah, I know.Copy !req
381. It's getting hot out here.Copy !req
382. You need a little
on your arms.Copy !req
383. Shyamalan.Copy !req
384. You know, you girls are so cool
for models.Copy !req
385. You must have been very popular
in high school.Copy !req
386. No, I was
so awkward.
Really?Copy !req
387. Hey!Copy !req
388. Excuse me.Copy !req
389. What happened to your
pretty little lady friend?Copy !req
390. We had a really nice
conversationCopy !req
391. about the beef industry,
and then her and some guysCopy !req
392. started doing a ton of cocaine.Copy !req
393. That happens.
Yeah.Copy !req
394. Uh, well, as fun as this was,Copy !req
395. maybe we should
start heading back?Copy !req
396. I think Edie's probably ready
to check out the water.Copy !req
397. Oh, yeah, but Adriana
is definitelyCopy !req
398. ready to check out the water.Copy !req
399. It's all right
if you want to stay.Copy !req
400. No, it's...
I don't want to stay.Copy !req
401. I have to stay.Copy !req
402. I'm refereeing a chicken fight.Copy !req
403. Great! Stay.
Yeah, ref the chicken fight.Copy !req
404. I'm gonna go play with
your granddaughter in the ocean.Copy !req
405. What, you mad at me?Copy !req
406. Come on, I put in real
time to your family day.Copy !req
407. I thought it was
our family day.Copy !req
408. You-you have spent this entire
day being embarrassed by us.Copy !req
409. Do you think I feel cool
singing "This Old Man"Copy !req
410. 500 times in my mom's hatchback?Copy !req
411. Do you think
I like keeping trackCopy !req
412. of how many baby wipes we have?Copy !req
413. I know I look like a dork
in this hat,Copy !req
414. but I have to wear it
because my daughter lovesCopy !req
415. building sand castles,
but she sucks at it,Copy !req
416. and so, it takes forever,
and I get sunburned.Copy !req
417. You know, family is an endless
stream of just exhausting crapCopy !req
418. that makes you feel like
the least cool person on earth,Copy !req
419. but... but you do it
because you love your kid.Copy !req
420. I mean, 'cause sometimes,
you get these amazing moments,Copy !req
421. like watching her go
in the ocean for the first time.Copy !req
422. Which I'm not gonna miss
just explaining this to you.Copy !req
423. Okay, I get it.
Let's go back.Copy !req
424. Just stay, all right?
You don't have to doCopy !req
425. anything you don't want to do.Copy !req
426. That's the beauty
of this thing, right?Copy !req
427. We're adults. I'm 25.Copy !req
428. I'm 25 and a half.Copy !req
429. No one uses the fraction.Copy !req
430. Look, just stay, okay?Copy !req
431. You don't owe me anything,
seriously.Copy !req
432. Oh, by the way, I think
your pink shirt is dorky.Copy !req
433. Really?
No, it's...Copy !req
434. You pull it off really well.Copy !req
435. Excuse me. Hey!Copy !req
436. How did you get in here?Copy !req
437. Gerald gave me
his wristband.Copy !req
438. So, are any
of these girls gay?Copy !req
439. Or mad at their parents?Copy !req
440. Damn it, now I know
how Victor felt.Copy !req
441. What?
He got kicked in the
penis by a horse.Copy !req
442. What?Copy !req
443. Hey, do you think Edie's
gone in the water yet?Copy !req
444. I'll see if Vanessa
posted any photos.Copy !req
445. You follow her?
Since the day
I met her.Copy !req
446. That sounded creepy.Copy !req
447. Whatever. I'm fine with it.Copy !req
448. Guess who's getting
in the water for the first time!Copy !req
449. We are!Copy !req
450. Jimmy, get in here!Copy !req
451. I need man to sit on!Copy !req
452. Does anyone have a
bathing suit I could borrow?Copy !req
453. I have one for you.Copy !req
454. One, two, three!Copy !req
455. So if I can get a
big online fan base,Copy !req
456. I can make up to six figures
with the YouTube videosCopy !req
457. and work around
Edie's schedule.Copy !req
458. So that's why you take
all those pictures of yourself.Copy !req
459. That's smart. Let me know if
there's any way I can help you.Copy !req
460. Well, actually, uh,Copy !req
461. it is really hard to take
pictures of your own butt.Copy !req
462. I'd be honored
to take pictures of your butt.Copy !req
463. Really?Copy !req
464. Ready for the ocean, bubby?Copy !req
465. Come on. Come on, guys!
Let's do it!Copy !req
466. Wait! Hold on!Copy !req
467. Wait for me!Copy !req
468. Huh.Copy !req
469. Whoa!Copy !req
470. Oh!Copy !req
471. I got the wipes.Copy !req
472. Wow.Copy !req
473. You really do have skinny legs.Copy !req
474. I'm glad I got Mom's.
Hers are more...Copy !req
475. There's no good way
to finish that.
Sorry.Copy !req
476. I feel people staring
at my legs.Copy !req
477. I'm gonna go in the water.Copy !req
478. Do it, dirty boy.Copy !req
479. Oh!Copy !req
480. Oh!Copy !req
481. Oh.Copy !req
482. Oh.Copy !req
483. This is cool.
Yeah.Copy !req
484. What the hell's that?Copy !req