Grandfathered 1x13

1. Okay, so I have plenty of snacks,

2. diapers are in the bag,

3. and I will be back to pick Edie up in two hours.

4. Are you listening me to me?

5. No, this crazy girl I went out with

6. a couple weeks ago keeps texting me.

7. She won't leave me alone.

8. Kind of like you guys.

9. So she's still texting you

10. even after you told her you weren't interested?

11. I didn't tell her that.

12. I'm ghosting her, see? What is that?

13. Oh, it's this cool new thing where you ignore someone

14. who likes you until they go away.

15. Ooh, "ghosting," huh? Mm-hmm.

16. So I guess I've been ghosting the gym

17. for the past few years.

18. You're using it wrong. Well, you're the one ignoring

19. a nice young lady, so who's more wrong?

20. She's not nice, she's crazy.

21. Eh, what do you know?

22. Don't kill our granddaughter.

23. Don't tell me what to do.

24. Bye. Later.

25. Your grandmother doesn't understand us young people.

26. Ghosting's totally on flick.

27. Flack.

28. That's not right, is it?

29. Edie, what do you got here, a magazine?

30. Must be your grandma.

31. I got everything except for the smiling pile of poo.

32. All right, my horsey's about to lay the smackdown.

33. How does the horsey go?

34. Wait a minute, are you letting me win?

35. What are you talking about?

36. Because the only time I win is when you let me win.

37. And the only time you let me win is when you want me happy

38. because you're going to give me bad news.

39. Is that what's happening here?

40. No. You just outplayed me.

41. I thought so.

42. Checkmate, sucker.

43. I let you win. I have bad news.

44. Damn it. What?

45. We're trending in the wrong direction.

46. Reservations have gone down 15%

47. over the last two months.

48. Well, how did that happen?

49. Well, for starters, everyone can see in the kitchen.

50. I mean, nobody wants to see

51. this freak show while they're eating.

52. Hey, guys, Jimmy's here! Jimmy!

53. That's always been there.

54. That hasn't changed—

55. you have. What?

56. I haven't changed. How have I changed?

57. This is L.A. A restaurant can't stay on top

58. unless you make it your whole life.

59. Ever since your family came along, you've gone soft.

60. "Gone soft."

61. I don't even know what my granddaughter's middle name is.

62. Margaret, or Christine?

63. Oh, it is Christine.

64. Isn't that pretty? Edie Christine.

65. Face it, you haven't been on your "A" game lately.

66. When I started here,

67. there was nothing you wouldn't do for this place.

68. Show me your arm.

69. Not that.

70. This.

71. November '06.

72. You wanted the governor to have his election party here,

73. so what'd you do?

74. You jumped the fence

75. and stormed his security detail

76. so you could give him a personal invitation.

77. They tackled me and gave me this scar, remember?

78. We need that guy back.

79. That guy would pull us out of this.

80. You're right.

81. All right, this place needs a shot in the arm,

82. something big to get us back on track.

83. What do you guys got?

84. I've got a good idea, boss.

85. You really want to make a splash?

86. Don't say it, Ravi.

87. Tableside guacamole.

88. Get out. Great.

89. There's one

90. tried-and-true way to get hot again.

91. We score a huge celebrity

92. and get them to give us a shout-out.

93. Good, yeah. You know,

94. we've been lacking in that area a little bit.

95. We need somebody big, you know?

96. Somebody cool, like, uh,

97. like your Sinatras or your Brandos...

98. Or someone who's not dead.

99. What about Chason Fairwick?

100. Who's that? I don't know who he is.

101. He's a musician who just blew up.

102. His first tour sold out in two minutes.

103. But more importantly for us,

104. he's got 60 million followers across social media

105. who do whatever he says.

106. Good. That's exactly what we need.

107. Get me Chason Fairwick.

108. Eh...

109. What do you mean, "eh"? Nothing.

110. You know, I'm sure he'd be great for the restaurant

111. if you want someone, you know,

112. popular and-and mainstream.

113. We do. Someone who appeals to the "masses..."

114. Again, we do.

115. Or here's another way to go.

116. I don't even know if he's available, but...

117. Norway's number one electronic flautist, Borgshaft.

118. I have an idea.

119. We get L.A.'s number one dork.

120. I'll see if he's available.

121. Gerald, are you available?

122. Did you just make that up?

123. I may have underestimated you.

124. You don't even know what you're talking about, Victor, okay?

125. Borgshaft basically invented alt-electro dirge pop.

126. Pitchfork just said he's, like, "the next Flardsgaard."

127. And Nerdfork says you're the next Dorksgaard.

128. All right, get me this Chason guy.

129. I gotta get out of here

130. before I die laughing. Victor.

131. All right, now that that's done,

132. let's start that tableside guac meeting.

133. You guys ghosting me?

134. Why are you playing that?

135. What is that?

136. Are you punishing her?

137. What? This is Borgshaft.

138. This is good.

139. Edie, you think this is cool, right?

140. Bad.

141. Sometimes we think we're teaching our kids,

142. but really, they're teaching us.

143. Sara, baby, I don't have time to talk to you guys right now.

144. I'm on a mission.

145. Oh, Edie, we're gonna have to hear Jimmy's take

146. on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict another time.

147. All right. Hey, Gerald,

148. Annelise can't find this Chason kid,

149. so I need you to hack into his server

150. and triangulate his location.

151. You know I'm not a hacker, right?

152. And besides, hacking's a crime

153. and I definitely don't want to go to jail

154. for some no-talent tool.

155. He's at a tattoo parlor in Hollywood.

156. How'd you figure that out?

157. He just posted,

158. "I'm at a tattoo parlor in Hollywood."

159. Looks like it has to be

160. one of these nine locations.

161. Oh, man.

162. It's like I'm in The Matrix.

163. I literally just Googled "tattoo parlors in Hollywood."

164. Stop speaking code, man. Oh, God.

165. Don't let that kid near my computer.

166. He's gonna crash a satellite into the Moon.

167. Is that Chason Fairwick? Yeah.

168. You're better than that.

169. Are you asking for a time out?

170. If he's not at this tattoo place,

171. can we stop for lunch?

172. I need a falafel in me or something.

173. Come on, what would Harriet Tubman do?

174. No. You know, it's not because you're...

175. Just stop. All right.

176. Oh, is that him?

177. That's him. Yeah.

178. Right? Come on.

179. Can I help you? It's customers only.

180. Oh, then I'm in luck, because I'm a customer.

181. One tattoo, please. Want to look through the book?

182. I'm not really a by-the-book kind of guy.

183. I'll take a Tasmanian Devil.

184. Page 42.

185. Come on.

186. Hey.

187. Nice ink you're getting there.

188. Got the same tat myself.

189. Don't ask me where.

190. You have a tattoo of my dad's birthday?

191. Yeah, August 19, 1962.

192. Yeah, I got that one.

193. I'm, uh, I'm Jimmy Martino.

194. Wait. Hold on. Hold on, guys. Hey.

195. You know, uh, after I get a new tat,

196. I like to celebrate with a great meal.

197. What are you guys doing tonight?

198. Can you just do that, please? Wait, wait, wait.

199. Jimmy owns an upscale restaurant nearby.

200. Yeah, it's called Jimmy's. We'll hook you up:

201. VIP treatment, tasting menu, the works.

202. Hey, I'm busy tonight,

203. but can I bring some friends by on Saturday?

204. That depends. Are they ink-heads like us?

205. What? You can bring 'em, sure.

206. Hey, Cooper, hook it up, all right?

207. So we're super excited for Saturday.

208. Just a heads up: Chason can be a bit demanding.

209. When he says "some friends," it's usually somewhere in the 90-120 range.

210. Oh, also, he's on a real '80s kick lately,

211. so if you could, like, deck out the place, that'd be great.

212. Actually, you have to do that.

213. And also, this stuff, too.

214. Pinball machines,

215. mandatory '80s costumes,

216. nothing maroon, tableside guacamole.

217. Look, if you're not feeling it, now's the time to back out.

218. No. No, no, no, no.

219. You bring it. We'll see you Saturday night.

220. Okay.

221. No.

222. Get that thing away from me.

223. He paid already, right? Yeah.

224. Okay, well, let's give my dolphin a friend.

225. This is good. Very '80s. We got a pinball machine,

226. big colors...

227. Oh, look at this.

228. Happy now? Okay. Yeah.

229. Ravi, I never thought I'd say this,

230. but how are we on the tableside guac?

231. We are guaced and loaded, boss.

232. Now, look, I know we're doing this just because of Chason,

233. but I really think when you see this baby on its feet, you...

234. I can't believe this. Me neither.

235. Chason Fairwick is gonna be in this restaurant.

236. No, Chason specifically said no maroon. This is red.

237. Do you want to have that conversation with him?

238. You seem very tense.

239. What happened to the fun,

240. freewheeling Jimmy we've come to love?

241. That Jimmy brought shame upon this restaurant.

242. But tonight, that's all gonna change

243. with a little help from my friend Chason...

244. Fairwick. Fairwick.

245. Now, he's gonna come in, we're gonna impress him,

246. he's gonna promote us,

247. and we're gonna be right back on top.

248. It's a social media world out there, kids.

249. It really is. You've got to trend.

250. You've got to post.

251. It's all about the hashtag, Groupon.

252. Those are words.

253. Better? Is this a joke?

254. That's the maroonest thing I've ever seen.

255. Make her a necklace, will you?

256. Color me impressed.

257. This is phat.

258. "Phat" is not '80s.

259. Groovy? Too far back.

260. Where's my beef?

261. Whatever.

262. The '80s are my decade.

263. I'm kind of an expert.

264. Well, they hit your basics.

265. Your neons, your fishnets.

266. This song's pretty dece.

267. I can work with this.

268. I'm gonna show those kids how we do.

269. Hey, you guys came in costume, too.

270. "Too"? You're in costume?

271. Yeah, well, I don't want to look ridiculous.

272. Okay, welcome.

273. Thanks for coming. Oh, and, uh,

274. please move out of the reception line.

275. Thank you.

276. Uh, uh, question. I know the drinks are free,

277. but there's not gonna be a tip jar, is there?

278. Here, take the money.

279. Hmm, thank you.

280. What about the tips?

281. Hey, uh, Dad, when Chason gets here, will you introduce us?

282. Why, so you can tell him he's not as good

283. as your weird Swiss yodeler guy?

284. I promise I won't say anything to Chason

285. that's not true.

286. Keep an eye on him, huh?

287. Mm.

288. Jimmy.

289. Chason's coming in through the back entrance.

290. Hey. Welcome.

291. Hey, what's up, man? I'm Chason.

292. I know. I met you at the tattoo parlor.

293. Listen, Chason, we've, uh,

294. we've done everything, uh,

295. to make tonight as great as possible for you.

296. My goal is, if you have a good time,

297. that you'll tell everyone how great Jimmy's is.

298. Cool. Hey, so what's with all the decorations?

299. This, like, an '80s restaurant?

300. No, no, your assistant said

301. that you were going through an '80s phase, so...

302. Oh, I guess so.

303. Hey, which wall do I get to paint? You're gonna paint a wall?

304. Not if you're gonna be a dick about it.

305. Who...

306. Boss?

307. I can't work like this.

308. These avocados are a little firm for tableside.

309. People don't want to see me struggle through the mash.

310. No, I got it. What's up, man?

311. I wonder if he knows

312. he's not a good musician?

313. Nobody put a $20 in that tip jar.

314. He put that in himself.

315. Somebody's got to tell him.

316. You know, and if I don't, who will?

317. Do you see the psychology here?

318. He's trying to get people

319. to tip him bigger.

320. Screw it, I'm going in.

321. Here you go.

322. Thank you.

323. I can't just put a dollar in there.

324. It's gonna make me look cheap next that $20.

325. I guess I'll just give him a $20.

326. You clever little bastard.

327. I was watching these videos of Kesha giving her fans tattoos,

328. and I was like, "That is so badass."

329. So I asked my lawyer if I could steal the idea,

330. and he's like, "Yeah, I guess."

331. Right?

332. Here we go. You know, I'm not that good at it yet,

333. but curves are hard.

334. Hey, Chason, I need to tell you something, all right?

335. Something you need to know. You might be rich and famous,

336. and loved by everyone,

337. and even more handsome up close than you are on TV...

338. Wow, thank you so much for saying that.

339. No, no, no, there's a big finish here. You are...

340. You know, a lot of guys are afraid

341. to compliment me to my face.

342. But it takes a real man to look me in the eyes

343. and tell me that he loves me.

344. This guy. This guy right here,

345. he gets it. I like you, man.

346. Yeah, you're real, you're raw.

347. I'm gonna call you Honest Abe.

348. Yeah, I mean, unless you don't like that name.

349. Be honest.

350. I know you will be.

351. Listen, I... Hey.

352. What's going on here?

353. What's going on here

354. is the birth of a beautiful friendship.

355. It's been a heck of a misunderstanding.

356. I don't... Ger, Ger.

357. See, this night is very important to me, okay?

358. I need you to be a team player, please?

359. It's for the restaurant.

360. Yeah... Hey, Honest Abe,

361. you gonna come back and hang?

362. Uh, yes.

363. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

364. Cool, man. Hey. Awesome.

365. You thirsty? Yeah.

366. Hey, grab me and Abe, uh,

367. you know the drink with the little balls in it?

368. Boba? Do I look like a chef?

369. I don't know; grab me, like, 20 of them.

370. Can I just say that is a hot outfit?

371. Where did you get it?

372. Oh, the place where I got all of this

373. closed down before you were born.

374. Wait, this is all from the '80s?

375. Yeah!

376. That is so cool.

377. This is such an underrated song!

378. This was my jam!

379. This is how you do the dance.

380. You are such a baller.

381. Let me translate that for you into '80s.

382. I'm choice.

383. Good for you. What?

384. Good for you! I want to be like you when I'm your age.

385. Is this part of the dance?

386. Oh, are you just tired?

387. This is so humiliating.

388. I'm running around trying to get the kid

389. all these boba drinks.

390. And what's with

391. this big fake show of his,

392. forgetting who I am. Nobody forgets this.

393. It's not humiliating; it's what we have to do.

394. When are you gonna ask him for the plug?

395. Is that how you think it works?

396. Look, with us VIPs, we don't like being told what to do.

397. You know, there's a whole dance involved.

398. Now, if we played our cards right,

399. he's probably posting right now.

400. Let's check.

401. All right, let's see.

402. Chasondadream.

403. Chasondadream?

404. That's so clever.

405. I need to come up with a funny one.

406. At Jimmy...

407. He's been posting non-stop since he got here.

408. When he arrived, he wrote,

409. "Just got here." Didn't say where.

410. Then he wrote, "What's your favorite movie?"

411. 10,000 faves.

412. Poseidon Adventure.

413. Then he just posted, "Uh-oh, phone about to die.

414. His phone's dying? Mm-hmm.

415. All right, I'm going in.

416. Jimmy...

417. I had it.

418. You make me forget things.

419. Okay, what do you think about this line?

420. Oh, my God, I love that.

421. Shh...

422. Be honest, is it a game-changer?

423. Honestly? Yes.

424. It's a game-changer.

425. I love it.

426. Oh! That's my boy right there.

427. Come on!

428. You're so locked in. Yeah. Ch-ch.

429. Right? Hey. Chason, Ger.

430. Looks like you guys are having a good time, right?

431. Yeah. Yeah, man.

432. Just, uh, hanging, doing our thing.

433. Ooh, that'd be a good tweet.

434. I'd retweet it. Oh, nice, dude.

435. Yeah.

436. Yeah, about that.

437. I hate to bring up business, but...

438. Hello.

439. Who here's ready to rock out

440. with their guac out?

441. You want to spice up your night?

442. Ravi, we're in the middle of something.

443. Guacamole? Yes, please.

444. You got a Mexican guy and everything?

445. That's not racist.

446. Nice.

447. All right.

448. So the first thing you want to do

449. is find a nice and ripe avocado.

450. This one will have to do; I didn't buy them.

451. Listen, I've really tried to deliver for you tonight,

452. so I was hoping you could do something for me.

453. I don't think so. I'm just trying to have fun tonight, man.

454. I want you to have fun.

455. Can we just talk some business first?

456. Hey, we can talk business later, okay?

457. You know what we should do now?

458. This guy.

459. He'll get a tattoo.

460. Total ink head.

461. Right?

462. Oh, those are forever.

463. As tempting as it... as it-it looks,

464. uh, my regular tat guy would not...

465. he would just not like this.

466. He gets so jealous.

467. Do it.

468. Do it. Do it...

469. You guys like a little kick?

470. Do it! Do it!

471. Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

472. All right.

473. Let's do it!

474. Yeah!

475. Let's do this! That's my boy!

476. And now we celebrate with a little guacamole.

477. You know what?

478. I don't like this light.

479. Come on. Let's go.

480. Oh. We out.

481. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Let's get out of here.

482. Wait, Gerald, do you want to take the guac with you?

483. Oh, hey, buddy...

484. This is my "guacalypse" now.

485. Hey. Isn't this cool?

486. What is that? Is that a tattoo?

487. Yeah, Chason gave it to me.

488. It-it's "C" for Chason.

489. He said curves are hard.

490. What's wrong with you?

491. Ugh, you remember when that was us?

492. Back in the actual '80s?

493. We were young, having a blast,

494. not worrying about what anybody thought.

495. Look at me, I'm turning my whole life upside down

496. trying to please some Bieber wannabe

497. for a tweet I'll probably never get.

498. You did all of this for a tweet?

499. Ew, don't tell other people that.

500. You know, I used to get a kick

501. out of hustling for the restaurant, but now?

502. Like, how far is too far?

503. It's just a guess, but I'd say letting

504. a one-hit wonder brand you for life with a dirty needle.

505. Eh, who am I to talk?

506. I mean, what am I even doing here?

507. I look ridiculous.

508. You look like a roadie for Heart.

509. A cool roadie.

510. Remember what we did last time you wore an outfit like that?

511. Yes.

512. But the last time I wore an outfit like this,

513. you didn't have that thing on your arm.

514. Oh, I got to get this disinfected.

515. Annelise!

516. You're still here?

517. Rock on, girl.

518. My mom would so be asleep by now.

519. Okay, here it comes.

520. And... okay, wait for my go-kart.

521. Okay. And...

522. You see it? Hey.

523. There it goes. Yeah.

524. Crazy. Sick, right?

525. So sick. I got another one

526. that's not as-as good as this, but I'll find it.

527. How important would you say tonight is for my dad?

528. You were with your dad when he read that rumor

529. about Padma Lakshmi's marriage being on the rocks, right?

530. Yeah, it was the first time he hugged me.

531. He wants this more than Padma.

532. He loves this restaurant more than anything.

533. More than Padma? Oh, my God.

534. Barkeep!

535. I'm yelling at you!

536. At the top of my lungs!

537. What am I, invisible?

538. I see you.

539. I'm Kyle.

540. I'm Sara.

541. I'm about to head out.

542. Any chance you want to head to a party in Silver Lake?

543. Hold that thought.

544. Here, come with me.

545. Okay.

546. Hey, yoo-hoo.

547. See this hot young guy?

548. He just asked me to leave with him.

549. So, yeah, "good for me" is right.

550. Yeah, that's what I said, good for you.

551. Yeah, but you said it with a tone.

552. Hey, so does that mean you want to come?

553. You're sweet, but no.

554. I'm, like, 20 years older than you.

555. Whoa, you're 38?

556. Yes.

557. Yes, I am.

558. All right, so what do you want?

559. You want a "C" for Chason?

560. "A" for Abe?

561. What's smaller?

562. Gerald, what are you doing?

563. Oh, he's still deciding.

564. No, no, you know what,

565. Chason, he's not deciding.

566. Chason, I've taken your crap all night.

567. I-I've gone further than I thought I would.

568. There's a line, okay?

569. And this is crossing it.

570. So my son is not getting a tattoo.

571. Unless of course you want a tattoo, son.

572. No, I don't. No, he doesn't want a tattoo.

573. Dude... Chason, come on, you know why you're here.

574. Okay, start promoting my restaurant, or get the hell out.

575. Chason!

576. Chason, hey, at least say, "I hate Jimmy's."

577. We can edit that out, right?

578. Uh, Dad, if I may?

579. Hey, Chason.

580. You know, you may be rich and famous,

581. and millions of people may love your music,

582. but know this...

583. it's not for me.

584. There's that honesty again.

585. All right, maybe I have gone soft,

586. but, you know what, maybe I'm okay with it.

587. You figured that out now?

588. I just watched a 12-minute go-kart video.

589. With no sound.

590. Wait a minute, wait a minute, I-I got it.

591. @JimmyThe...

592. Yeah.

593. Take your time, I want mine to look as good as hers.

594. Henna. That better be henna.

595. I don't think you should have changed it.

596. There's nothing wrong with a bad tattoo.

597. Eh, says the woman with a tattoo on her hip that says...

598. Buh, buh, buh.

599. Who's Eddie?

600. What do you mean, who is Eddie?

601. Oh!

602. You were always a big Pearl Jam fan.

603. I told you "Edie."

604. Should have went with a snake, man.

605. Rookie.

606. All right, from now on, you're Eddie.

607. Oh, she's passed out.

608. Put a monkey on her forehead.

609. No. No?

610. Time to go.