Grandfathered 1x10

1. Oh, my God, I am having so much fun.

2. Are we the last table?

3. Oh, don't worry. They know me here.

4. Get up and leave,

5. you welcome-overstaying garbage people.

6. Why won't they get the message?

7. I dropped off 15 checks. I brought them fortune cookies.

8. This isn't even a Chinese restaurant!

9. Is she...? Oh, no. She just took her shoes off.

10. I got to kick them out.

11. Huh. Ravi doesn't stand a chance against The Keeners.

12. The Keeners? My mom's friend group.

13. They call themselves "The Keeners"

14. after their favorite actress, Catherine Keener.

15. Oh, I like Catherine Keener.

16. Catherine Keener wouldn't pull this crap.

17. How'd it go?

18. Great. They made me an honorary Keener.

19. You were supposed to get rid of them.

20. Oh, wouldn't you like to get rid

21. of four strong women who like to speak their minds!

22. I'm making sangria!

23. We don't serve sangria.

24. We've got wine and fruit, don't we?

25. Screw this. I'll do it.

26. So which one is that? Yeah, difficult.

27. Ladies, you need to go. Oh, sorry. Annelise!

28. Wait. This is the woman I was telling you about.

29. You're right. She has a confident stride.

30. That's a walk that's good for women. Mm-hmm.

31. It is? Oh, you've been told that before, haven't you?

32. Want to watch me walk away?

33. Only if you come back! Yeah.

34. See, look how she just glides.

35. Nice! There. Yup.

36. Oh, it's beautiful!

37. Thank you.

38. Why are there diners still here? We closed two hours ago.

39. Keeners? Keeners. Keeners.

40. I wasn't here.

41. Have you guys ever heard of this actor Idris Elba?

42. Ooh.

43. He's amazing. Right?

44. How do you think I'd look in a man bun?

45. You'd look like a man

46. with an assistant who doesn't tell him the truth.

47. Hmm. More.

48. More, woman!

49. What the hell's going on here?

50. I'm running a business, not a happy hour for my family.

51. Plus, it's 9:00 a.m. We're upset, okay?

52. What happened? Did they announce Pluto isn't a planet again?

53. Huh. We just got back from Edie's doctor.

54. She needs ear tubes.

55. Oh, those-those little things they put in kids' ears

56. so they don't get infections? No big deal.

57. CJ's kid got one this summer. Hey, CJ?

58. No big deal, right? Oh, yeah.

59. Best thing we ever did, total breeze.

60. Total breeze. Of course,

61. my Jimmy's Restaurant insurance didn't cover it, so...

62. CJ, know when a story's over, all right? Yup.

63. Just because it's a routine procedure

64. doesn't mean it's not scary.

65. I mean, she needs anesthesia and everything.

66. Oh, I dated a girl named Anesthesia once.

67. She was in love with me, but I felt nothing.

68. Look, I realize this is a stressful situation,

69. but she'll be fine. Doctors are brilliant.

70. I mean, sure, they get a little grumpy, because, you know,

71. they have to play by everybody's rules.

72. What is this?

73. He's talking about the show House.

74. It's his only medical reference point.

75. Jimmy doesn't go to the doctor.

76. Yes, I do. I go to Dr. Vanderfield twice a month.

77. Dr. Vanderfield is a cosmetic dermatologist.

78. You go there for a citrus scrub.

79. He has his own reality show.

80. I'm in the background of the Bette Midler episode.

81. Hold on. When's the last time you had a physical?

82. The last time was 1995.

83. You haven't been to the doctor in 20 years?

84. Great, now I have to worry about you, too.

85. Oh, honey, that's just simple syrup.

86. Guys, don't worry about me.

87. I'm a perfect physical specimen.

88. I-I do Pilates,

89. I wear sunscreen, I have those lines right here.

90. Ugh. I don't need to see a doctor.

91. I'm a walking, breathing issue of Men's Health magazine,

92. right down to the five ways you can give her a 60-second orgasm.

93. Is that an orgasm that lasts 60 seconds,

94. or an orgasm you can give her in 60 seconds?

95. Yes. N...

96. Dad, this is crazy.

97. You have to see a doctor. All right.

98. Annelise, you heard the boy.

99. Book me an appointment for a physical right away.

100. We can see you winking.

101. That's not... That's allergy. I have allergies.

102. Well, maybe you should see a doctor for that.

103. I will. Book me an appointment for that, will you?

104. Oh, just tell her later not to do it.

105. Come on in. It's open!

106. Hey. Hey. What are you doing here?

107. Do you have a lady friend upstairs?

108. No. Uh... no.

109. Well, uh... no.

110. I have a great surprise!

111. We are gonna have a family brunch.

112. It's always surprises with you people.

113. "Hey, Jimmy, come to brunch."

114. "Jimmy, we have a son."

115. But we're going to Polo House.

116. Gerald and Edie are meeting us there.

117. We're having brunch at The Polo House? Yeah.

118. Not that place you guys love where you throw peanuts

119. all over the floor? Oh, see, you just don't like that place

120. because you slipped. Come on, get your coat.

121. Come on! Polo House!

122. All right, fine.

123. How would you like it

124. if I surprised you and dragged you all to a picnic?

125. Oh, we'd love it. You're a family of freaks.

126. Bonsai trimming jam off.

127. Mm-hmm.

128. Jimmy wants you to know he had a lovely night,

129. but his schedule does not allow for a second date at this time.

130. Don't call us, we'll call you.

131. Cruel, cruel world.

132. Why is this crooked?

133. Yeah.

134. What the...?

135. Jimmy's got a safe? What do you think's in it?

136. Maybe it's a sex tape.

137. No, he keeps those right there.

138. Oh, good to know.

139. Maybe it's a manuscript about

140. a World War One soldier who discovers

141. that his sergeant is actually a beautiful woman in disguise.

142. Did he write that? No.

143. Did you write that? Yes.

144. I was hoping you'd say it sounds good.

145. It sounds like a rip-off of Mulan.

146. I've got to know what's in there.

147. I can figure out the password.

148. I've spent the last ten years inside Jimmy's brain.

149. First, let's try his birthday.

150. Okay, now let's try his real birthday.

151. Hold on. I know what it is.

152. No.

153. Huh.

154. What are some other sexy numbers?

155. Oh. What should I get?

156. Everything is so good at The Polo House.

157. Ooh. I think I'll get the lobster linguini.

158. Oh, I wonder if the new spring menu's out?

159. I can't wait to get the autograph of Mr. Polo.

160. Mr. Polo's not a person.

161. He's an idea. Oh.

162. Wait. Where are we going? It's a shortcut.

163. No, no, no. I know every shortcut to The Polo House,

164. and this is not one of them.

165. We're not going to The Polo House, Jimmy.

166. I just said that to get you in the car.

167. I'm driving you to Van Nuys to see our doctor.

168. A doctor?

169. In the Valley?

170. Dr. Melvoy is great.

171. Look him up on Yelp. Yelp? What...?

172. Is he a doctor or a taco stand?

173. Okay, look, I could've gone either way on this,

174. but Gerald went without a father for 25 years,

175. and he is now very excited to have you around.

176. But you are crazy old.

177. So let's just go make sure you're as healthy

178. as you think you are, for his sake.

179. Oh, God, you guys are so annoying.

180. And the spring menu is out!

181. Oh, I know the doctor says you'll be fine.

182. Just a routine ear surgery.

183. Unless it's too routine.

184. That's when all the mistakes happen.

185. Oh, God, they're gonna leave a watch in my baby's head.

186. I love this head. What is this?

187. What's what? Horsey!

188. Gerald.

189. I'm-I'm just comforting our baby.

190. Gerald,

191. I know you're freaking out about the surgery,

192. but we got to keep things positive.

193. We can't bring Edie down with our crappy energy.

194. You really think she can tell?

195. The only real risk here is that we turn her

196. into a nervous wreck.

197. Babies are smart, Gerald.

198. They're like little people.

199. They can pick up on stuff.

200. We got to keep things fun and happy.

201. Yeah, you're right. Yeah.

202. Maybe we should start by taking the blanket off her head.

203. Oh, yeah, good idea.

204. Peekaboo!

205. Hi!

206. Hi. I'm Dr. Melvoy.

207. What's up, doc? I'm Jimmy Martino.

208. Listen, I've never needed

209. a doctor in my life, and the only reason why I'm here

210. is for my annoying family.

211. And this dress is getting a little breezy out back,

212. if you know what I mean, so, uh...

213. let's make this fast.

214. Oh, great. This is gonna be a nice hour of my birthday.

215. Pretty good, right? Go ahead, punch me.

216. Nope. You know, doc, this whole time,

217. you've been looking in my ear when you really should be

218. looking in your ear.

219. Bam.

220. Seriously?

221. Come on, punch me. No.

222. Come on, like Houdini— boom. Nope.

223. All right, Jimmy, I need a urine sample.

224. I need you to fill this bottle.

225. From here?

226. Yeah, in your dreams.

227. That tickles, doc.

228. You're not gonna stick your finger... you know.

229. Seriously, do not stick your finger... Ah...

230. Ah.

231. (high- Ah!

232. You know, it's actually not that bad.

233. Well, that was an extremely unpleasant 20 minutes.

234. But I must say, you are in terrific health.

235. That's what I keep telling everybody.

236. There is one thing. I found a suspicious mole on your arm.

237. I'd like to take a biopsy to check it out.

238. It's probably nothing,

239. but it is better to be safe than sorry.

240. Sorry about what, exactly?

241. It could be skin cancer. Really?

242. There's less than a two percent chance

243. that it's anything at all, but I want to take a sample,

244. send it off, then I'll call you tomorrow and let you know.

245. No, I'm not worried.

246. I've gone my whole life without getting a cold.

247. I'm not gonna stress out over some splotch on my arm

248. that has a two percent chance of being dangerous.

249. You know who has a two percent chance of winning an Oscar?

250. The Rock. You don't see him out shopping for a tuxedo.

251. Am I right, doc?

252. God, I hate our dynamic.

253. Back at ya. Go ahead.

254. How'd it go?

255. What'd I tell you?

256. Perfect physical specimen.

257. How the...

258. Mmm! So good. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

259. See? All we had to do

260. was give her a crazy fun day

261. and pretend the surgery doesn't exist.

262. That's right. We're having fun.

263. But not too much fun that it's suspicious,

264. like when we fed my cat Fonzie

265. an entire salmon filet right before putting him down

266. 'cause he had feline AIDS.

267. We're having fun.

268. I'll just take this out of your way.

269. Are you crazy? What are you doing, you slut?

270. What kind of monster are you? She's having surgery tomorrow!

271. She wasn't holding the spoon. I just thought that maybe...

272. You didn't think, Cindy. You didn't think!

273. You never put a spoon down?

274. You hold your spoon the entire time you're eating?

275. Oh, bravo.

276. Sometimes I put down my spoon.

277. Hi.

278. Maybe she didn't deserve that.

279. So much for pretending like nothing's happening.

280. If you let me kick you guys out right now,

281. it's really going to increase my chances of sleeping with Cindy.

282. Damn it!

283. Come on, it's got to be somebody's birthday.

284. But we already tried all the important ones.

285. We haven't tried mine.

286. Thank God.

287. I would've been like, "Stop being obsessed with me, bro."

288. Who does he think he is, not telling me about his safe? Yeah.

289. You know, the guy makes me do everything for him.

290. I dump his girlfriends.

291. I buy the things he's too embarrassed to buy

292. at the drugstore, like fungal cream

293. and queso dip.

294. But I don't get to know about this?

295. You know what? Next time I see Jimmy,

296. I'm gonna say to him, "Little boy,

297. you better tell me what's in this damn s..."

298. Hide it!

299. Hi, boss.

300. Hi. Hey, handsome.

301. I love working for you.

302. Sara tricked me into going to the doctor's to get a physical,

303. and I didn't even get to go to The Polo House after.

304. That sucks. Speaking of,

305. did you have a pet when you were little,

306. and if so, what was its birthday?

307. Yeah, a parakeet, and no idea.

308. So, doctor found this spot on my arm,

309. and apparently there's a two percent chance it's skin cancer.

310. It sounds like they're just being cautious.

311. Yeah, that's what I said.

312. I mean, two percent is very low odds, right?

313. Then again, so were the odds of me

314. opening a successful restaurant.

315. A-And finding out that I had a son and a granddaughter

316. I didn't know about. Oh, my God.

317. I've been defying the odds my whole life.

318. And The Rock— he was very good in San Andreas.

319. I could see him getting some award show love.

320. Mario— remember Mario, our old butcher?

321. He had a suspicious mole.

322. I'm gonna call him at his shop and see how he's doing.

323. Hey, hi, this is Jimmy Martino. Is Mario there?

324. Oh, okay, thanks.

325. Mario's dead.

326. I need to calm down.

327. Don't look up moles online.

328. You cannot handle that much uncensored information.

329. Hey, you know what you forgot to say?

330. All those things that you said you were gonna tell Jimmy

331. right before he came in. Shut up.

332. I can handle this.

333. I can't handle this.

334. I need to talk to you guys. I'm freaking out because...

335. Wh-What's happening with her?

336. Oh, we're just having a chill, stress-free hang

337. to get Edie all ready for her surgery tomorrow.

338. What did you want to talk about? Oh.

339. I-It can wait.

340. Oh, really?

341. Nothing for you can wait.

342. Well, I-I just came by to wish Edie good luck.

343. Good luck, Edie.

344. Okay, bye-bye.

345. I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna stick around a little.

346. Hey, um, Mom said you went to the doctor to get a physical.

347. Thank you for doing that. Yeah, you're welcome.

348. Could you play that song again from the top?

349. It seems to be really helping Edie.

350. Yeah.

351. Yeah.

352. Jimmy's okay, right?

353. Yeah, he's fine.

354. What's not fine is him having a secret safe

355. and not telling me about it. It's disrespectful.

356. It's an outrage, is what it is.

357. It makes me feel less than, which is not a good feeling.

358. He did this to himself.

359. Cool.

360. Hey, guys.

361. You did not see anything.

362. Yes, I did.

363. We are amazing. We can get our daughter through anything. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

364. I almost can't wait till the next bad thing happens to her.

365. Too much.

366. What the hell are they doing?

367. They don't want Edie to know they're scared,

368. so they keep taking little breaks to pump each other up.

369. Weirdos.

370. I wanted to tell you... thank you

371. for going to the doctor.

372. It means a lot to Gerald.

373. And it meant a lot to me.

374. That I was able to trick you into going

375. so easily.

376. You are a simple, simple man.

377. Power parents. Yeah.

378. We care about our daughter!

379. You did it. Oh, no. Not yet. Oh.

380. Hey, I know it's scary, but she's gonna be fine.

381. There's, like, a two percent chance

382. that there could be any kind of complication.

383. Two percent.

384. Yes. You got this. Yeah! Edie's got this.

385. You are... You got this. Best parents ever.

386. You are a tree of strength. Supermom.

387. Yeah. I'm the trunk. What?

388. Hey. Hey.

389. Can't sleep either? I thought so.

390. Come on. Let's go. Come on. Wow.

391. Hey. I'm taking Edie, okay?

392. The people are the ones in cages.

393. I'll take that as a yes.

394. Here.

395. Come on.

396. What if we kill a passerby?

397. That's why we waited till 4:00 a.m.

398. Nobody's up.

399. Nobody good is up.

400. Ready?

401. This was incredibly stupid.

402. Yeah. What were we thinking?

403. Ready?

404. I think that deli's 24 hours. People keep walking in and out.

405. Hang on.

406. Hello?

407. Annelise, do you know where Jimmy is?

408. He isn't answering his phone. And he came here, he took Edie,

409. he left this crazy note... He's spinning.

410. I bet he looked his mole up on the Internet.

411. I think I know where he is.

412. The roof of that hardware store on Melrose and Vine.

413. Why would he be there?

414. Just trust me.

415. We definitely should have paid more attention to him earlier.

416. I think we know what we got to do. Yep.

417. But I'm gonna wait for you to say it first.

418. So I don't sound stupid in case I'm wrong.

419. Get the safe back in the wall and go apologize to Jimmy.

420. Yep, I was wrong.

421. I'm not letting you get those tubes in your ears.

422. I saw some things on the Internet, sister,

423. that you do not want to see.

424. I also saw some pretty great things, too.

425. Are you hip to Suspicious Mole?

426. Very well done. Hey.

427. Look, I'm not letting you near that doctor, no matter what.

428. Even if it's the last thing I do. Which it...

429. may well be.

430. You like it up here?

431. This place used to be Zanini's.

432. It was the first restaurant I ever worked at.

433. And when I got stressed out,

434. I used to come up on this roof and just...

435. Kind of ugly though, and it smells,

436. but I like it.

437. Sort of like Mr. Zanini, really.

438. I know you have to get that surgery, but...

439. I'm just scared.

440. I'm not used to worrying about people.

441. But you're gonna be okay, right?

442. I'm probably gonna be okay, too.

443. I know what you're thinking.

444. How do I go 20 years without seeing a doctor?

445. I guess I just... I didn't think about it.

446. I mean, it's easy not to think about if...

447. you don't have people in your life

448. that care whether you go or not.

449. But now that I have all you clinging, annoying people,

450. I don't want to miss out on that.

451. Now that I have it.

452. You know what I mean? Huh?

453. Does it smell up here?

454. I think I need a new spot.

455. What are you doing here?

456. Our daughter went to bed

457. in the perfect mental mindset for surgery.

458. And then you stole her and took her to the roof

459. of a hardware store?

460. What the hell?

461. The doctor the other day found a spot on my arm.

462. There's a 98% chance it's nothing, but...

463. I just got all worked up about everything.

464. Why didn't you just tell us the truth?

465. Because you're annoying.

466. And...

467. That's it. You're just annoying.

468. Sounded like you were gonna say more. No. No, you know me.

469. I'm the strong, silent type. Good for you.

470. Can we go? Uh, it's horrible up here.

471. Hey. You're gonna be fine, all right?

472. Yeah, he will be. He stole a baby

473. and took her to the wishing roof. Oh.

474. There you are. I knew you'd be here. What?

475. This is his spot. He used to work here.

476. And when Frank Sinatra would come in, he'd get so nervous...

477. Oh, my God. Frank Sinatra. What are you guys doing?

478. We came to support you! We're here for you, buddy!

479. Aw. Look at you. You're such a champ.

480. She's not even crying. I bet most babies would be crying right now.

481. She's too tired to cry.

482. She's been up since 4:00 because you stole her.

483. Is that...

484. Hi, Dr. Melvoy.

485. Yes.

486. Okay. Thank you.

487. I... Yes, I understand.

488. Thank you. Bye.

489. Not cancer.

490. He did say to call back

491. if I want a referral to another doctor.

492. He didn't think we were a good match.

493. I thought he had fat fingers anyway.

494. Uh...

495. This was such a nice moment.

496. Huh.

497. What's this?

498. Fancy hand cream?

499. Velvet Gent?

500. "Velvet Gent is a discontinued men's hand cream from the '90s

501. known for its masculine scent of leather, wood and lemongrass."

502. Jimmy's hands do smell like that. You smell his hands?

503. Well, you kiss the ring, you're gonna smell the hand.

504. Let's try it.

505. I don't know what I thought would happen.

506. Let's get back to work.

507. Stupid painting.

508. Hey, boss. Hey.

509. Looking good.

510. What smells like wood, leather and lemongrass?

511. Oh. I was chopping wood with leather gloves this morning.

512. Yeah, and I was...

513. chopping some lemongrass.

514. So there you go. All three smells.

515. Oh. Well, I have some hand cream that smells like that.

516. It's in my safe behind the picture over there.

517. You guys are welcome to it anytime.

518. The combination is Frank Sinatra's birthday.