1. There you are.
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2. You little gray bastard.
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3. Hey, Jimmy.
Kristen. Hey, babe.
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4. Right this way.
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5. Got you at my favorite table.
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6. Right this way, gentlemen.
I have you at my favorite table.
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7. How's it feel to be the
prettiest girl in the room?
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8. How's it feel to be
the prettiest girl in the room?
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9. I heard Deion Sanders is coming
to town for his birthday.
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10. We got to get him here.
He already has plans
at that new place, Bistro 6.
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11. Easy. Why is
everyone going there?
The food is amazing.
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12. You're fired.
No, I'm not.
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13. Just get me
Deion, please.
On it.
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14. "Not now, Frank, I'm eating!"
(laughter)
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15. Come on, girls.
Say "Jimmy!"
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16. Jimmy!
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17. was amazing. Oh, and the
tiramisu was to die for!
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18. I collect trains.
Dorky, I know.
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19. But, you know, I always imagined
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20. that I would share them
with my son one day.
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21. Don't get me wrong,
I love my life,
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22. but I'd give it all up
just like that
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23. for a family.
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24. I'm sorry. We don't
allow children.
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25. Play classical.
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26. Cancel. Happy pop.
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27. Afternoon, kids.
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28. Ravi.
Hey! Jimmy!
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29. (muffled yelling)
Stop locking the new guy
in the freezer.
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30. (laughter)
You're late for work!
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31. Jimmy, try this:
Gluten-free pappardelle.
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32. Mmm. Ravi, delicious.
What's the secret?
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33. Gluten. Tons of gluten.
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34. It's basically nothing
but gluten.
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35. Hi.
Hey. Kid, we're closed.
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36. Uh, my name's Gerald.
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37. I have... something pretty
important to tell you.
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38. Uh, sorry.
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39. Yes?
Uh...
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40. Hi. Hi.
Kid, hey, focus.
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41. Sorry. Um...
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42. My mom is Sara Kingsley.
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43. You dated for a
while in 1989.
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44. She was a cook at a
restaurant you worked at.
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45. Oh, on the night
that photo was taken,
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46. she took you to a
Jane's Addiction show,
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47. but you guys left early
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48. because you refused
to go number two at the club.
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49. Sounds like you.
Definitely.
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50. You didn't have much in common,
but what you did have
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51. was a whole bunch
of unprotected sex.
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52. Sounds like you.
Definitely.
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53. After you guys broke up,
my mom discovered
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54. she was pregnant with me.
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55. I'm your son.
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56. Oh, one more thing.
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57. This is Edie,
your granddaughter.
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58. How the hell?
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59. I'm a grandfath...
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60. I'm a grandf...
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61. I've never even had a gray hair.
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62. I mean, sure, I have always
wanted a family, but have I?
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63. Or was that just some line I've
been using to pick up girls?
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64. It's a great line, by the way.
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65. So when this weird kid
and this baby show up
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66. and ask me in the realest
possible way do I want a family,
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67. well, my answer,
very honestly, is...
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68. I have no idea.
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69. Sounds like you need
some time to process this.
Yeah.
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70. I'm sorry. I'm-I'm
a little stressed out right now.
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71. Reservations are down 15%.
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72. It was probably a mistake,
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73. me just popping in
on you like this.
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74. I'm-I'm gonna go.
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75. Yeah, that's... You know what?
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76. Let me just...
let me just give you my card,
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77. and you text me
your number, and then
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78. we'll get together
when things calm down
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79. a little bit. Is that okay?
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80. Yeah.
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81. Yeah.
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82. It's a beautiful baby.
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83. Thanks.
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84. It's a beautiful...
business card.
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85. What? What's that look for?
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86. What was I supposed to do,
throw him a baseball mitt,
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87. have a catch and sing
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88. "Cat's in the Cradle"
with him? (chuckles)
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89. Am I right, Victor?
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90. White Victor?
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91. No?
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92. Wait! Wait!
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93. That wasn't how it
was supposed to go.
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94. Everyone, what's the one thing
that I've always said
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95. was missing from my life?
A linen pant that goes
from the beach to the bar?
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96. Yes, and the search
continues.
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97. No, I meant a family.
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98. A family.
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99. Everyone,
I'd like you to meet Gerald
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100. and his daughter.
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101. You're a grandpa?
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102. Can I hold it?
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103. Sure.
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104. Aw.
(fussing)
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105. Yeah.
(chuckles)
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106. (music stops)
Sorry. Sorry.
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107. It's...
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108. Jimmy!
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109. We have a son?
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110. I...
No, no, no, no, no.
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111. No. You don't get to talk.
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112. I'm doing all the talking now.
I'm talking.
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113. My turn.
Okay. That's fair. Talk.
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114. What do you have
to say for yourself?
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115. First off, I never kept him
from meeting you.
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116. All he had to do was ask...
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117. Yeah, well, you should've told
me I had a son walking around.
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118. What if I were gay
and I met him in a bar?
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119. (chuckles)
That's where your head goes?
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120. What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with me?
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121. I'm standing on a porch
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122. in East Bumpkinville...
Pasadena.
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123. Oh, this is Pasadena?
Yes.
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124. Talking to a woman
that I haven't seen in 26 years
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125. about a son
that I didn't know I had.
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126. How could you do this to me?
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127. Have you met you?
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128. The entire time
we dated,
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129. you refused to call
me your girlfriend.
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130. You wouldn't even let me keep
a toothbrush at your place.
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131. You gave me gingivitis.
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132. I did not.
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133. You were proud of
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134. how bad you were
at relationships,
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135. and the only thing that you
ever cared about was your career
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136. and your sex life. Speaking
of which, girlfriend?
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137. Employee. Lesbian.
Mmm. Smart.
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138. Job requirement.
I like you.
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139. Let's be friends.
Get back in the car.
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140. Jimmy, I hope this goes well.
I do.
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141. And I hate being
the scolding, protective
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142. mother stereotype, so I
hope I only have to say this
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143. to you once: If you hurt
my son or his daughter,
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144. I will choke you to death
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145. with your own overly
moisturized hands.
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146. Okay.
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147. Gotta run.
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148. Gerald is in the guesthouse
in the back.
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149. You look great, by the way.
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150. Deal with the Devil
really paid off.
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151. Yeah, I'm on her side.
She's awesome.
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152. She thinks I'll suck at this.
I'll show her.
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153. Get those
healthy fats, Edie.
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154. Get that out.
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155. Get it. Come on.
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156. Oh, yeah!
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157. That's good, that's good!
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158. Here, watch the pants,
with the... Not...
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159. The hands are very dirty.
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160. Okay. There you go.
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161. Is that French?
It's West African French.
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162. It's the fastest growing
language in the world.
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163. Mandarin's for suckers.
Yeah.
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164. (chuckles)
N'est-ce pas, Edie?
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165. Go play. Go play.
(shouts happily)
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166. Listen, Gerald,
I got to ask you:
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167. Why did you come find me?
Why now?
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168. I just felt like it was time.
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169. Honestly, being fatherless was
never a big deal for me, and...
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170. then the other day, I came
across a BuzzFeed listicle
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171. called "28 Reasons Why
Having a Dad Is the Best,"
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172. and, by number 12, I was crying
so hard I was dehydrated.
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173. Yeah.
Listen, kid,
I'm a 50-year-old bachelor.
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174. We're society's
most worthless people.
Mmm.
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175. Look, I don't know
if I'm cut out to be a father,
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176. much less a...
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177. a grandf...
a grand...
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178. Can I be honest?
Dude, you've been
aggressively honest.
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179. (knocking on door)
Mama!
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180. Hi, Edie. Hey, baby.
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181. Yes. Mommy saw
so many babies today,
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182. and they were all uglier
and stupider than you. Mwah.
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183. What up, G?
Yo.
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184. Did she...?
Twice.
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185. Really!
I know! Big ones.
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186. Please tell me you filmed it.
Matrix style.
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187. Oh, rock star. Awesome.
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188. Oh, I totally lost
her little rubber ducky.
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189. Oh, uh, I made one.
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190. (sighs)
You are good.
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191. You know, one of these days,
you're gonna be
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192. the billionaire
3-D printing designer guy,
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193. and I'm gonna be like,
"That's my friend."
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194. All right, I got to go.
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195. There's a really tan guy
in the back of the house.
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196. He's hot,
but he's old. Bye.
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197. Okay. I'll, uh, text you.
Let's go, baby.
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198. And-and then...
(clears throat)
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199. Okay, there-there's one reason
I wanted to meet you.
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200. Uh, that was Vanessa.
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201. I would love it
if she stopped thinking of me
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202. as a friend who happened
to cause a human being
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203. to pop out of her uterus...
Yucky.
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204. and start seeing me as someone
she could actually date.
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205. My mom told me
your whole deal, and,
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206. I don't know, I thought
you could give me some pointers?
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207. Oh. Why didn't you say so?
I could help you with that.
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208. Yeah?
Come to Daddy.
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209. I'm gonna... I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go for it.
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210. Come on.
Okay.
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211. Hey, you don't think
I'm too tan, do you?
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212. No, you're perfect.
Oh.
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213. Vanessa and I worked
in the same cell phone store.
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214. I was attracted to
her fearless way, just sort of
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215. bulldozing through life,
and she was attracted
to my friend Ethan.
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216. Uh-huh.
But, one night,
she got her cell phone stolen
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217. and I helped her trace it.
Finally got it back
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218. at 4:00 a.m. in Temecula,
and then we... slept together.
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219. Twice.
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220. Just once.
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221. Huh.
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222. I'm gonna make an observation
that might explain
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223. why Vanessa isn't
attracted to you.
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224. Okay.
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225. It appears that you only
have one set of clothing.
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226. I-I wear a green hoodie
every day because thinking
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227. about clothes
creates decision fatigue.
Ah.
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228. That's why Mark Zuckerberg
only wears gray T-shirts.
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229. Saves you mental energy
to focus on work.
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230. What do you do for work?
I'm currently unemployed.
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231. I crush it at this.
I posted a video,
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232. and it's the highest-rated
instructional diapering video
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233. on YouTube.
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234. I'm so sorry.
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235. Oh, wait,
you were bragging?
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236. Women are complicated,
you know?
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237. They-they want men
to come in and...
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238. and-and take what's complicated
and uncomplicate it.
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239. Right. No, that's-that's
good advice. Thank you.
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240. Also, you know, the G-spot...
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241. No. Mm-mm.
No?
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242. Okay, where is it?
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243. You know, I was
in love once.
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244. Just one time.
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245. I actually thought
I'd marry her.
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246. We had these dumb little
pet names for each other.
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247. She was Sushi, and
I was Ponyboy.
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248. I love sushi.
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249. Then one day, uh,
she just left.
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250. Sushi kind of wrecked me.
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251. Sounds pretty rough, Dad.
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252. Not ready for "Dad."
Oh.
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253. Boy, look at the job
I did on you.
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254. That was no ordinary
diaper change.
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255. That was like staring
into the mouth of Hell.
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256. What did you eat,
a squirrel?
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257. Why are you changing
that baby?
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258. Oh, coo, coo. Coo, coo.
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259. So... how am I doing?
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260. What? Fatherhood?
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261. Uh, good.
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262. Right? What's next?
Yeah.
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263. Oh, uh, well, I got to go home.
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264. Yeah, every Friday night, I
watch a movie at home with Mom.
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265. That's the saddest sentence
I've ever heard.
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266. It's like a poem.
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267. What movie?
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268. Daddy, look!
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269. Billy!
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270. Hold it! Hold it!
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271. Damn it! Deion Sanders chose
Bistro 6 instead of us.
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272. It's a whole thing.
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273. (scoffs)
Well, what?
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274. This scene is ridiculous,
anyway.
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275. I mean, running
a kid through traffic
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276. is-is more dangerous
than the fall was.
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277. Just call an ambulance, dummy!
Oh, my God, shut up!
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278. You're with me
on this, right, Ger?
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279. For sure.
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280. He's a crier.
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281. Thanks for cleaning up,
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282. by which I mean
handing me one glass,
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283. and then looking
through my stuff.
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284. You're a therapist
for other people?
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285. Do they know what the tattoo
on your hip says?
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286. Oh, go away.
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287. All right, fine,
but before I do,
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288. admit that I was better at this
than you thought I'd be.
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289. If you think you deserve
a trophy after one day,
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290. you have no idea
what it means to be a parent.
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291. Damn it! Stop making me say
lame things like that.
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292. I'm cool.
I watch Portlandia.
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293. I almost went to Coachella last
year until I decided not to.
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294. Hey, it's not my fault
that I just met Gerald today.
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295. And by the way, that's the name
you went with? Gerald?
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296. Okay. I'm going to bed.
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297. And I don't know
how to say this nicely,
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298. but get out of my house.
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299. And thank you.
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300. For spending time with Gerald.
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301. Whatever your motivation was,
it... it meant a lot to him.
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302. Now get out.
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303. Ian, the Lees are
coming in at 9:00,
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304. so open a bottle
of Dominus at 8:00.
Yes, sir.
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305. Cindy, it's pronounced
"carpaccio," not "crapachino."
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306. (muffled yelling)
Guys, you are literally
going to kill this man.
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307. Hi.
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308. Hey. Hi.
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309. I just came by to tell
you that Vanessa and I
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310. are hanging out tonight,
which is exciting.
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311. Attaboy.
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312. And, um, I know
it's last minute,
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313. but could you
watch Edie for me?
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314. Really? You trust me enough
to do that?
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315. Well, I've literally
tried everyone I know.
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316. But, also, I trust you.
Yeah.
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317. It'll be really easy.
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318. She'll be asleep the whole time.
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319. You won't have
to do anything. Please?
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320. I'd love to.
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321. Thanks.
Yeah. All right.
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322. Okay. Great.
Knock 'em dead.
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323. And change
your clothes.
Okay.
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324. You're a wolf.
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325. Do you want this?
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326. Want the bottle?
(crying)
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327. What word is this?
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328. "C" and an "A."
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329. (speaking gibberish)
Oh.
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330. (laughing):
You are cute.
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331. You know, you're cuter
than other babies.
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332. You know why?
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333. 'Cause you have my dimple.
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334. (speaking gibberish)
Your dad has a dimple,
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335. but on him, it looks
like a pock mark. Yeah.
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336. Can you give me a kiss?
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337. Did you just kiss me?
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338. (phone ringing)
Did you just kiss me?
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339. Hold on one second.
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340. Hey, bro, Deion Sanders is here.
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341. He showed?
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342. He brought everyone.
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343. The whole entourage is here.
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344. Word is Lil Wayne and Don
Rickles are gonna be here, too.
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345. No one's ever said
that sentence before.
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346. Dude, you've got
to get over here.
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347. You know Annelise
is no good with humans.
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348. I can't. I'm babysitting.
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349. Figure something out!
It's happening now!
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350. Deion Sanders, Jimmy Martino.
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351. Happy birthday, my friend.
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352. Jimmy! I didn't think
you were gonna make it.
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353. Oh, are you kidding?
Who's more important
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354. than Day Time?
Prime Time.
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355. Prime Time.
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356. Oh, hell no.
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357. You're so funny
and good-looking.
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358. You brought
the baby here?
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359. Shh. Excuse me, Deion.
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360. I had to.
This is too important.
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361. We used to be the
cool new place.
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362. We used to be Bistro 6.
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363. I used to be Bistro 6.
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364. We were here.
Now we're here.
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365. You carry around an old photo
of yourself?
You don't?
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366. No.
I have two goals tonight.
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367. One— keep the baby alive.
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368. Two— get a picture
of me and Sanders
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369. that we can vomit all
over the Internet, okay?
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370. Ready? On three.
Get therapy.
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371. Three.
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372. Deion, I was wondering
if you and I could get
a picture together.
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373. Give me a minute.
Let me check out the menu.
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374. (baby crying)
Oh, excuse me one second.
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375. Damn it!
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376. I'll be right back.
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377. Sleep tight, Squid.
Sleep tight, Whale.
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378. Don Rickles showed, too.
Here, take a picture.
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379. Hello, Mr. Rickles.
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380. Deion, how about a big shot?
Ready?
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381. Not of yourself. Of us.
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382. Oh.
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383. Ready? Smi...
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384. Ugh.
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385. Hold on one second, sir.
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386. How long... how long
have you had this problem?
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387. It's almost like
she hasn't slept
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388. in a restaurant kitchen before.
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389. I'm gonna play
a baby CD.
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390. How does this thing
play in here?
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391. What is that?
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392. Round and round.
Round and... Here.
(crying)
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393. Go like this.
(muttering)
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394. Good.
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395. Now Lil Wayne
just showed up.
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396. It's getting weirder.
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397. Get the picture.
Hi, guys.
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398. Let me get a quick picture
of the four of us.
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399. This'll be great. Go.
Yeah.
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400. (Edie laughing)
Stay right there.
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401. I'll be right back. Hi!
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402. Oh, come... oh,
come here, you little...
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403. Come, come... oh!
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404. You don't want
one of those, do you?
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405. Oh... yes...
(cooing gently)
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406. Let me see.
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407. Look at me.
You feel a little warm.
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408. Why isn't anyone picking up?
And why do you have
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409. a meat thermometer
in her butt?
That's the meat
thermometer?
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410. People are meat.
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411. (Edie cries)
It's okay, baby. It's okay.
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412. 103. That's normal, right?
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413. Dude, that's
actually really high.
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414. Oh, no. Oh, no.
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415. Okay, come here, baby.
Come on, baby. Come on.
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416. Where are you going?
Copy !req
417. Hospital!
And wash that thermometer!
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418. Throw away that
thermometer.
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419. But this thing cost,
like, 20 bucks.
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420. Move it! Excuse me.
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421. Where's the valet?
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422. Where's Rico? Where's...?
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423. Forget it.
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424. (horns honking)
Hey, watch it!
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425. Jimmy?
Oh, hey... you.
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426. It's okay.
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427. It's okay, Edie.
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428. Lindsay.
Her name was Lindsay.
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429. Quick, I need a doctor.
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430. She's burning up.
I'm a doctor.
Are you the father?
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431. No, no, I'm not
her father. I'm...
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432. I'm her grandfather.
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433. Okay, let me take her
for some tests.
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434. Go fill out a form
and have a seat.
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435. No, I need to stay
with her.
I'm sorry.
You have to wait here.
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436. You look a little young
for a doctor.
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437. Could you get someone older?
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438. Asian, if you got it.
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439. WOMAN (over P.A.):
Dr. Morris, dial 118, please.
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440. I screwed up, Sara,
just like you knew I would.
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441. I'm 50 freaking years old,
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442. and I'm still the same guy you
didn't trust 25 years ago.
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443. I wanted to be good at this,
I really did, but...
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444. I just don't know how.
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445. She's gonna be fine.
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446. When Gerald was a baby,
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447. I was buckling him
into his car seat,
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448. and it was a really hot day.
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449. I got distracted,
and the buckle burned him.
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450. He was four months old.
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451. I swear, he looked right at me
and gave me the finger.
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452. That was our first trip
to the E.R.
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453. Parenthood is pretty much
an endless string of moments
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454. where you think
you've killed your kid.
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455. I hate this feeling.
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456. I mean, suddenly, I'm not
just worrying about myself.
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457. I'm actually worrying
about someone I care about.
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458. Ugh.
What?
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459. For, like, two seconds there,
you reminded me why I dated you.
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460. Yeah?
Mm-hmm.
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461. You know, we still...
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462. That is never
gonna happen.
All right.
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463. Want some coffee?
Yes.
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464. She's fine. It's just a fever,
and it's already going down.
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465. I'm gonna go get her ready,
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466. so just wait here.
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467. Thank you.
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468. What happened?
What did I miss?
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469. She needs a liver transplant,
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470. and you're the only match.
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471. All right. I'm in.
They needed to know
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472. a couple of things first.
Do you dye your hair?
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473. It's not dye.
It's colorizing cream.
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474. Have you had Botox?
Yes, but not on my face.
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475. Then where?
(laughter)
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476. Ah. Good one.
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477. Okay, guys,
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478. she's ready. Come on back.
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479. Well, at least Edie's okay.
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480. You know, don't even talk to me,
you irresponsible ass.
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481. Tonight just confirmed
everything
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482. my mom ever said about you.
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483. How'd the date go?
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484. Good. She liked my clothes.
Yeah.
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485. Hey, slow down
in the house!
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486. It's milk. (laughs)
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487. Dinner is served, everybody.
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488. All right, well, be careful
where you put that.
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489. That's a forever stain.
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