Gossip Girl 5x9

1. Gossip Girl here

2. your one and only source

3. into the scandalous lives

4. of Manhattan's elite.

5. My goal was to remake Nate

6. not to make you the star.

7. It's time for you to step aside.

8. Which means that all her readers will flock to you

9. Mr. New Editor-in-chief.

10. - Ivy? - Max.

11. My ex-boyfriend just shows up out of nowhere.

12. The truth is gonna come out any second.

13. I'm looking for someone named Ivy.

14. 'I think some people here might call her Charlie.'

15. My mom never wanted me to grow up

16. with the burden of the Rhodes name.

17. I knew your mother was behind this.

18. Everything you say is a lie.

19. The money is real.

20. Just stay away from me and my family.

21. I forgive you.

22. So that means you're willing to give me another shot?

23. One more.

24. Can you please tell me why people

25. are not paying attention to me

26. right now?

27. It was you who uploaded that page, wasn't it?

28. I was trying to show you

29. what your friends are really like.

30. I think I need time alone

31. to think about the future

32. of our relationship.

33. You've really been good this whole time

34. haven't you?

35. Where has she been? Serena?

36. And who am I?

37. That's one secret I'll never tell.

38. You know you love me.

39. XOXO... Gossip Girl.

40. On the Upper East Side

41. staying alive

42. isn't as easy as it appears.

43. And after last week's security breach

44. leading to no new tips

45. it looks like I might be dancing with myself.

46. I've never seen so much lame before.

47. But grandma actually wore this?

48. Yes, and looked fabulous

49. riding in on an elephant in it

50. 'which is why the Studio 54 anniversary party'

51. is in her honor and... Bianca Jagger's

52. but we won't mention that to her when she arrives.

53. Bianca was a striver.

54. She could never outshine me

55. no matter how little she wore.

56. Oh, mother, it's wonderful to see you.

57. Darling.

58. Charlotte.

59. Ah, New York agrees with you.

60. You look fabulous.

61. I just got off the phone with Ian Schrager. He sends his love.

62. He said he's recreating the entire club

63. down to the moon and spoon.

64. And I am going to wear

65. that platinum jumpsuit

66. that prompted Ryan O'Neal to propose.

67. Now that he's a widower, I put him on the guest list.

68. Speaking of which

69. what did you decide to do

70. about inviting Carol?

71. I thought I'd leave the drama

72. this year up to Barry and Diane.

73. Yes, well, she does have a way of blowing things up.

74. I have all the family I need with you..

75. and my two favorite granddaughters.

76. Twenty four hours in the city that never sleeps.

77. Quite an accomplishment for my blog

78. and for you, country boy.

79. I grew up in Miami.

80. I was impressed by your moves at Bunker Hill.

81. I-I can't feel my feet

82. and for once

83. I can't blame Alaia or Giuseppe.

84. Um, I don't know those dudes.

85. I do know those 4 a.m. soup dumplings

86. put David Chang to shame. Momofuku who?

87. And what about absinthe at Apotheke?

88. And the sunrise over the High Line?

89. How can anyone not love New York?

90. Well, if you're not sick of me yet

91. you wanna show me some more later today?

92. I would love to, but I have this thing at Studio 54.

93. My grandma is the guest of honor

94. which would shock you if you ever met her.

95. But, uh, I promised I'd pick up the cake.

96. Why would you trust an anonymous baker

97. when you have a master chef in your midst?

98. You could be my sous for the afternoon.

99. Could we cover ourselves in flour and lick spoons

100. and do other cute things?

101. That's a prerequisite.

102. Then I can't wait to don

103. my chef whites.

104. - I'll call you later. - Okay.

105. Oh.

106. Now, that's what I like to see

107. you writing again.

108. What is it? Sophomore novel, short story?

109. Well, it's more like a rebuttal.

110. These online haters are like cockroaches

111. if you kill one and then three more pop up in its place.

112. Hey, you're not seriously being the kind of author

113. that fights every negative review on Amazon?

114. I mean, people will think you've lost your mind.

115. No, no, which is why I have DanFan

116. the tireless online avatar I've created

117. to fend off critics.

118. Alessandra isn't returning my calls

119. so I gotta fight this battle on my own.

120. That's it, I stayed quiet

121. while you crashed bridal showers

122. and skipped out on book tours.

123. I was hoping with enough time it's important

124. that you realize that even though your book didn't do

125. as well as you hoped, you still had

126. 'your whole future ahead of you.'

127. Being a shut-in is not bouncing back.

128. I was defending my honor.

129. It's time to leave "Inside" behind and go outside.

130. CeCe's party is tonight. I expect you to be there.

131. Looks like I'm not the only one

132. everyone despises.

133. Lonely Boy's fans are slowly dwindling

134. but his haters are going forth and multiplying.

135. My personal favorite?

136. I Hate Humphrey.

137. Why should I thank someone for a blender?

138. Do I look like the kind of girl who makes margaritas?

139. Oh, margaritas sound delicious

140. but six month away at least.

141. Any correspondence from Mr. Louis?

142. No, I told you, he's doing missionary work

143. with Father Cavalia in some nation without plumbing

144. and waiting for my call.

145. But the wedding still on?

146. Of course it is! I still love Louis.

147. I just want to marry the sweet prince

148. who returned my Vivier slipper

149. and made me believe in fairy tales

150. not one of the Brothers Grimm.

151. Even Prince Charming can fall off horse.

152. But Louis still hasn't found his way back in the saddle.

153. Shocking for someone schooled in classical dressage.

154. I need this time apart to figure out

155. where Louis went wrong and right it.

156. Maybe he "Freaky Friday" with Mr. Chuck

157. they struck by lightning at same time

158. or pee in same fountain.

159. That's incredibly unsanitary.

160. But you may be on to the key

161. to returning Louis' virtue.

162. - I am? - Finish these.

163. No Polish parables.

164. 'I know I'm the new kid around here.'

165. 'I'm gonna make some mistakes.'

166. I just want you guys to know

167. that... I'm not gonna resort

168. to the kind of dirty tactics that Diana used.

169. "The Spectator" only publishes truth.

170. And, yeah, sex sells

171. but if the story involves scandal..

172. ..it needs to be verified.

173. We have an opportunity to do things differently here.

174. So I'm around if anyone has any stories

175. you'd like to pitch. Thanks.

176. Nate.

177. I've got a lead on a famous congressman's wife

178. who's having an affair.

179. Well, we've heard that story

180. a million times. Do we have a new angle?

181. What was going on in Washington at the time?

182. Does the wife want to come clean? Dig deeper.

183. Before I do, you should know

184. the congressman is your cousin

185. Tripp van der Bilt.

186. Have you got my money yet?

187. I'm working on it.

188. I can't just walk into a bank

189. and withdraw $500,000.

190. Well, in case you're lying

191. like you do about everything else..

192. I got myself an insurance policy.

193. In fact, I'm dating her.

194. Serena van der Woodsen. Have you heard of her?

195. What?

196. You, you can't date Serena.

197. Too late, and unless I get that money soon..

198. one of our dates will involve a bottle of champagne

199. and revelations about who you really are.

200. Or should I show her this playbill I keep in my pocket

201. before or after the caviar?

202. 'I told you, I just... need'

203. a little more time.

204. Why can't you leave Serena out of it?

205. Because I'm having fun with her.

206. Listen.

207. The more she likes me, the more she trusts me.

208. And the more likely she is to believe me

209. when I tell her that Charlie Rhodes

210. is just a white trash wannabe

211. named Ivy Dickens.

212. Well, don't let Lily see you together.

213. She knows our history and if she tells Serena

214. that we used to date she'll get suspicious.

215. Don't worry... I'm not gonna risk a lifetime

216. of financial security for brunch with the in-laws.

217. Hi. We have a problem.

218. Yeah, well, add this one to the list.

219. Max is dating Serena.

220. 'Now, if you don't want me to leave or get caught'

221. we have to pay him off immediately.

222. 'Except, we don't have the money.'

223. 'I just came from the bank.'

224. Turns out, my mother's added

225. a security measure to the account

226. probably to punish me.

227. Any withdrawal over $50,000 requires her signature

228. which she will never agree to if we ask.

229. We have to make her think it was her idea.

230. I barely know her, and she's not speaking to you!

231. The money is the only thing

232. that'll stop Max from outing me.

233. You keep Serena away from Max

234. I will work on my mother.

235. Looks like I'm not the only one

236. doing the hustle.

237. Perhaps I should feather my hair tonight.

238. I never really understood why it went out of fashion.

239. For you, mother.

240. - From Ryan. - How thoughtful.

241. Although I prefer vanda orchids.

242. How about lilies of the valley?

243. More like "Valley Of The Dolls"

244. now that you've arrived.

245. I am here to reconstruct

246. not self-destruct, I promise..

247. to honor the guest of honor.

248. I hope my invitation was lost in the... mail.

249. It's a lovely thought, but it wasn't.

250. - So what do you really want? - Forgiveness.

251. If this is about my cutting off

252. Charlie's funds, uh

253. I admit, I made some mistakes

254. in trying to protect her

255. but she's forgiven me.

256. In fact, we're closer than ever.

257. Funny, she lives with me and this is the first time

258. I'm hearing of this.

259. Well, why else would she suggest

260. I come for the party?

261. We're both hoping..

262. that Studio 54 would bring

263. the Rhodes girls back together.

264. Well, you know, nothing makes me happier

265. than when my family gets along.

266. That is, if you both can do that.

267. Of course, mother, it's your night.

268. However... I will not tolerate

269. any outbursts or judgmental tantrums.

270. I am supposed to be the center of attention tonight

271. and I'd like to keep it that way.

272. I promise.

273. Now, let's get those flowers

274. into some water.

275. Um, how could you be working

276. when you have a date to be discussed?

277. - Spill. - Well, there's not much to say.

278. Max and I spent the whole night together wandering the city.

279. Is it the same Max that was supposed to meet you

280. at "Sleep No More?"

281. Yes, but if I wouldn't have given him a second chance

282. I never would have seen how great he is.

283. We're spending the afternoon baking CeCe a cake.

284. Is that not the sweetest thing you've ever heard?

285. Sure, if he hadn't

286. stood you up once already.

287. Maybe you shouldn't rush into this.

288. Where's this coming from?

289. You were the one who encouraged me to get out and date.

290. Well, I mean, for your blog.

291. Now that that's a bona fide success

292. I just don't wanna see you revert

293. to old Serena's taste in men.

294. Oh, Max could not be further from the men I've dated.

295. He moved here from Portland. He hikes.

296. Okay, maybe he hasn't done hard time like the last one

297. but didn't you say he came to New York

298. to find his ex-girlfriend?

299. Yeah, I forgot about her.

300. Ivy.

301. I mean, he did cross the country to see her.

302. A part of him must still love her.

303. Well, anyway, two dates in one day could be

304. could be moving too fast.

305. Always better to leave them wanting more.

306. Okay, I'll cancel my baking date.

307. Oh, I have to reorder the cake now.

308. Yeah.

309. I have to go get CeCe some glitter eye shadow.

310. She said something about lighting up the night

311. with her liner.

312. - Oh, no. - Yeah.

313. Namaste.

314. Sorry to interrupt you getting into someone's yoga pants.

315. Sri Sri Ravi, a moment please.

316. An old, celibate, male

317. yoga teacher.

318. Your transformation really is astounding.

319. Care to share how you gave up

320. your bad Bass ways, how you went

321. from Charlie Sheen to Charlie Brown, from bar to mitzvah?

322. There's no answer to that question.

323. - It's an evolution. - Hm.

324. What's really going on, Blair?

325. Okay... if you must know

326. I'm trying to pinpoint the source of your light

327. so I can pull Louis out of the darkness.

328. You changed, so can he.

329. I have all day.

330. Well, it was great meeting your new staff.

331. From what I can see, Jared Kushner

332. better watch his back.

333. Thanks.

334. Before you leave..

335. there's something I need to tell you.

336. One of my reporters received a tip.

337. Maureen's cheating on Tripp.

338. Well, uh, there must be some mistake.

339. Maureen's a devoted wife.

340. She even stuck by Tripp during that, uh

341. unfortunate incident with Serena.

342. Obviously, we'll verify everything first.

343. You're not seriously considering running it?

344. Well, the information's out there

345. and if we don't, someone else will.

346. And I don't want to make a certain Australian patriarch's

347. mistake of burying the News of the World scandal.

348. If he'd let the "Journal" break it, he might have saved

349. his paper and a lot of embarrassment.

350. But, uh, this is a family matter.

351. And a public one, unfortunately.

352. It's our chance to prove that "The Spectator"

353. is fair and balanced, no matter what the story is.

354. The site and our family

355. will be in better shape for running it first.

356. Well, I certainly don't want it in the hands of "The Post."

357. I won't run anything before I talk to Tripp.

358. I was wrong in keeping you

359. from here. The city looks good on you.

360. I just wish I could visit more often.

361. But, you know, Lily's doing so much

362. by letting you stay here. I just, I don't know.

363. I don't feel comfortable by putting her out.

364. 'I never thought I would say this'

365. but... maybe it's time to get your own place.

366. Yeah, but the prices are so crazy.

367. You've got more than that in your trust fund.

368. We could get you a beautiful one bedroom.

369. 'It's better to buy it than rent it.'

370. - It-it, it's a good investment. - That's enough!

371. Do you have me pegged as a fool?

372. Coming here under the guise of a party

373. and trying to get me to buy an apartment?

374. It's not for me. It's for Charlie.

375. If it was for Charlie, she would have asked me herself.

376. Once again, Carol, you are all dollars and no sense

377. and I am done being taken advantage of

378. and enabling your agendas.

379. My only agenda is to get closer to my daughter

380. something you'll never understand.

381. I'm going for a walk on the streets

382. where I'm welcome.

383. Mom, please.

384. Ah.

385. Grandma.

386. Grandma, are you alright?

387. Yes, o-of course I am.

388. Maybe I should call an ambulance.

389. Oh, no, honey, your-your, your mother

390. just triggered my blood pressure, that's all.

391. - Are you sure? - Oh, of course.

392. You know, if you want to be helpful, just, um

393. go get me a glass of water, so..

394. so I can take my pill.

395. Yeah, okay.

396. 'Hey, Max, it's Serena.'

397. 'Listen, I have to take a rain check.'

398. 'My cousin and I have a lot to do before the party.'

399. If you ever find yourselfsick

400. with Saturday night fever

401. the last thing you want

402. is for someone to turn up the heat.

403. Oh, my gosh!

404. Max, that's beautiful!

405. - Oh! - I had the ingredients.

406. Hope your grandmother enjoys it.

407. Now I'm going to leave

408. before you think I'm a stalker

409. who shows up for canceled dates.

410. No, stop it. I don't.

411. I really did wanna see you. I just..

412. - I didn't wanna move too fast. - No, I get it.

413. Twenty four hours with a guy you just met is more than enough.

414. To be honest, I thought

415. maybe you weren't quite over your ex yet.

416. I mean, when we met, you, you were still looking for her.

417. Just to return her stuff.

418. I haven't thought about Ivy since we met, Serena.

419. I swear.

420. Well, how would you like

421. to come with me to Studio 54 tonight

422. and present the cake to my grandmother yourself?

423. You do realize you just went from "Let's take it slow"

424. to "Want to meet my family," right?

425. Alright, caution is not my strong suit.

426. Well, how about we try something in between?

427. Uh, you live-blog with party updates

428. and I'll pick you up tomorrow afternoon?

429. That sounds perfect. Thank you.

430. No. Thank you.

431. Are you sure you don't want me to call a doctor?

432. Oh, yes, no. Just..

433. I just need some rest and... you know, the jet lag.

434. Of course, I didn't eat anything this morning.

435. - That's ginger tea. - Mm-hmm.

436. I knew someone who took those pills.

437. The ginger helps with the dizziness.

438. Tell me.

439. What does your mother want your money for?

440. Be honest, Charlotte.

441. I'm not gonna let her bully you.

442. It wasn't her.

443. It was me that wants the apartment.

444. She was just trying to help

445. to make it seem like it was her idea.

446. Well, I wish you'd just been honest.

447. Although growing up with Carol

448. I mean, how would you know better?

449. You've been so generous.

450. I didn't want to ask for more.

451. Well, now that you have

452. I will uncap my Waterman..

453. and release the funds tomorrow morning.

454. Thank you.

455. Listen, I'm sorry I had to be the one to tell you.

456. Yeah, I doubt that.

457. I'm sure you're enjoying every second of this.

458. I know our history isn't exactly pristine, Tripp

459. but we're still family.

460. God, with her sailing instructor, really?

461. I should have known when she kept asking to leave

462. grandfather's compound a week early.

463. And you were there all of August, right?

464. Yeah.

465. Yeah. I, uh..

466. It's funny... usually she complains

467. about having to go back to D.C.

468. Look, man.

469. We really worked on our marriage

470. after my whole Serena situation and..

471. I just thought we were on the right track.

472. I'm sorry.

473. Look, I get you have to run the story, just..

474. I hope you don't let your personal feelings against me

475. make it any uglier than it has to be.

476. - Thanks for telling me. - Hey.

477. I guess now we're even.

478. Hey, grandfather, it's Nate.

479. I'm gonna wait on that story.

480. I think Maureen's lying about the affair.

481. I just don't know why.

482. Hi, excuse me, sir?

483. Do you know who lives here?

484. Don't worry, I'm not a stalker.

485. In fact, the person I'm looking for

486. is the stalker, an anonymous one

487. the worst kind.

488. No?

489. - Dan? - Alessandra?

490. - What are you doing here? - I live here.

491. Isn't that why you buzzed my apartment?

492. That's usually how it works.

493. No, actually, I was looking for somebody

494. who hates me.

495. 'Chuck.'

496. Are you sure you're comfortable with Blair here?

497. I don't believe I have a choice

498. which is why I'm controlling the information.

499. Which thus far has been a bunch of monkey business.

500. I'm worried his licking himself

501. is anxiety, that he's lonely.

502. Ah. Enough!

503. Assuming this is a 50-minute session

504. I only have 18 minutes left to get my answers.

505. And what is it you're searching for, Blair?

506. Nice try, the bait and switch

507. but I was a teenage bulimic

508. and my father came out when I was 15.

509. This isn't my first analysis.

510. What I need for you is to show me

511. how you helped Chuck transform.

512. I told you, Blair, there's no one answer.

513. There isn't one or you don't want to give it to me

514. because you don't want me to fix Louis?

515. Are you saying that you want

516. your fiance to be more like Chuck?

517. No!

518. More like the man Chuck's become..

519. like Louis used to be when Chuck was like Louis is now.

520. If you don't mind me saying so

521. you seem confused.

522. Only by Chuck's refusal to disclose.

523. 'If he really is a good person'

524. why doesn't he tell me how he got that way?

525. Obviously, he hasn't really let go

526. or he would give me the information I need.

527. You mean, let go of the intimacy between you?

528. You said it, not me.

529. And you're the expert.

530. I did let go of you, Blair.

531. Then prove it by telling me how!

532. I can't.

533. But if you don't believe me, call on Harry Winston.

534. The night of "The Spectator" launch

535. I left the engagement ring I bought you

536. on the doorstep and walked away.

537. I've got.. I, uh..

538. I have a cake tasting to attend.

539. You blow Cheryl Ladd out of the water.

540. Oh, thank you, my darling.

541. Too bad, Carol's arrival has put a pall

542. over the entire evening.

543. Well, hopefully we can get her to dance the night away

544. and hustle her the hell out of here.

545. It's taking every ounce

546. of self control not to march over and tell her

547. what a terrible mother I think she is.

548. She heard you loud and clear. Come on, Lil.

549. Say what you really think, for a change.

550. You got it. I'll let you two talk alone.

551. Last month, you were happy to see me

552. and take care of my daughter.

553. What could I have I done

554. to mortally offend you

555. all the way from Florida?

556. Charlie told me you made her live

557. under the name of Ivy Dickens.

558. As if being a teenager isn't enough of an identity crisis

559. without having to assume a false one.

560. How dare you?

561. You know nothing

562. about Charlie or our relationship.

563. I know you put your hatred of our family

564. above her well-being.

565. What else is there?

566. I assure you that being Ivy

567. is the only thing that saved Charlie

568. from the despicable fate of being a Rhodes.

569. Hey, Max, it's Serena.

570. So it turns out, the party tonight was canceled

571. and I have my mom's apartment all to myself

572. if you wanna come celebrate being over Ivy with me.

573. We do have cake, after all. Seven o'clock, don't be late.

574. Chaka Khan might have been every woman

575. but it looks like Charlie Rhodes

576. is about to have trouble being two.

577. I wish you wouldn't take it as a negative.

578. It's called I Hate Humphrey.

579. Yeah, to get people talking

580. about you and your book.

581. Sugar and spice and everything nice get no attention.

582. Sex tapes and public brawls make people famous.

583. I'm not, I'm not Snooki. I'm a writer.

584. Who skipped out on his book tour.

585. My career's on the line here, too.

586. I took a chance on a young, inexperienced author.

587. 'I was trying to get you back on the radar.'

588. I knew you wouldn't like the method

589. but if it makes you feel better

590. there's a Twitter called "Humphrey Love," too.

591. - That's me. - Oh. I'm sorry.

592. I should have recognized

593. your scalpel-sharp, self-deprecation.

594. Well, I have over a thousand followers.

595. Yeah, let's hope they bought books.

596. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

597. - I'll close the account. - No.

598. I have a better idea.

599. When Tripp told me he and Maureen

600. were with you all of August

601. something didn't feel right.

602. That's when one of my reporter's said

603. she was spotted with her sailing instructor.

604. She could have snuck down to D.C.

605. for a night or two, I'd imagine.

606. Which is why I called the club.

607. Turns out, the only sailing lessons Maureen ever took

608. were from a woman named Heather two years ago.

609. - Are you saying.. - Maureen's faking an affair?

610. Yeah. It wouldn't be the first time she's faked something.

611. Think of what it would do to Tripp.

612. It would, it would hurt him immeasurably.

613. Or help him.

614. Tripp just hired a new campaign manager

615. to explore running for governor.

616. The last time he needed help in the polls

617. Maureen hired someone to jump in the Hudson

618. so Tripp could look like a hero.

619. So now she's making him into a victim?

620. - Seems like a risky move. - Oh, well, think about it.

621. 'A politician out there fighting for the good in Washington'

622. while his wife steps out on him at the yacht club?

623. It's a sympathetic story.

624. I can't believe that Maureen would risk her marriage.

625. Oh, she'd make a public apology and go to counseling

626. 'convince him it'd be better for his career to stay together'

627. and it two years when his name's on that ballot

628. people will remember him as the guy

629. who fought through a rough patch

630. to save his family.

631. It's pretty shrewd.

632. At least you won't have to run the story of her affair.

633. No, I'll just run this one instead.

634. I understand you're, uh

635. upset by Maureen's manipulations

636. but Tripp was completely in the dark

637. about her antics with that river rescue.

638. I'm sure this is the same now.

639. Oh, this is not a story.

640. This is a family squabble

641. that could cause your cousin his career.

642. I'll do the right thing, don't worry.

643. Mm.

644. I have no idea. They're all so delicious.

645. I agree, every morsel

646. is like... taste of heaven.

647. But you must choose top three choices

648. before Sylvia Weinstock

649. queen of cake, arrives.

650. How can I choose my wedding cake

651. when my groom has lost his sweetness?

652. Peeing in fountain was not answer?

653. Stop mentioning that or I'll never be able

654. to toss a coin in again

655. and I need all the wishes I can get.

656. I get us some milk.

657. Uh, so much cake make baby kick up storm.

658. - What are you doing here? - Why'd you walk out of therapy?

659. You weren't gonna reveal your secrets

660. and I had cakes to taste, so if you'll excuse me

661. I haven't even begun the buttercream.

662. Dr. Krueger thought you were upset I returned the ring.

663. He has too many PhDs.

664. They cancel each other out and make him a moron.

665. I returned it because you asked me to let you go.

666. I wanted to move on..

667. to give you the happy life you deserve.

668. All this time I've blamed you..

669. for pulling me into the dark..

670. but I was wrong.

671. It was me who brought out your dark side.

672. And now that I'm with Louis, I've done the same to him.

673. I'm sorry.

674. These glasses of champagne used to be served

675. with a... White Lady appetizer.

676. Uh, mother, since we have a little time before the party

677. Rufus and I have a small gift for you.

678. "Opening Night," I tracked it down for you.

679. How surprisingly thoughtful.

680. If I've had any memory of that night

681. I'm sure it would be fond.

682. Her favoritism is nauseating.

683. Now's not the time to be mad at CeCe.

684. All she has to do is sign a paper tomorrow

685. and we're in the clear.

686. You're a better actress than I thought.

687. You got more out of her in three minutes

688. than I have in 45 years.

689. I was just kind to her. Maybe you should try it.

690. - She is getting older. - And meaner.

691. You don't know these people.

692. They're my family, not yours.

693. Remember that.

694. Of course. Sorry.

695. - 'Mom!' - Mother, let me see!

696. 'Goodness.'

697. Oh, your body looks amazing!

698. Max, what are you doing here?

699. Serena said to meet her here. She said the party was canceled.

700. Well, it's not!

701. If Lily sees you here, everything will be ruined!

702. I see you two have found each other.

703. No need for introductions, right, Max and Ivy?

704. Serena, this isn't what it looks like.

705. Oh, so you two didn't used to date?

706. We did.

707. And you didn't pretend like

708. you've never met?

709. We did.

710. You didn't try to convince me

711. not to see him again

712. because he may still be hung up

713. on his ex, Ivy?

714. Uh, girls, this is not the time.

715. We need to get to grandma's party.

716. Max, nice to see you again.

717. What, you know him, too? This is insane!

718. I'm not going anywhere until Charlie's alter ego

719. who everyone seems to know about but me

720. explains what's going on here.

721. 'It's not her fault.'

722. Carol had her live as Ivy

723. because she hated being a Rhodes.

724. You can't blame Charlie for her own mother's insanity.

725. My insanity? Is this how you get along for mom's sake?

726. What's for my sake?

727. I just want the truth, Charlie.

728. 'I invited you back to New York.'

729. My mom and Rufus gave you somewhere to live.

730. CeCe got you your trust fund back.

731. Now, just stop lying and tell me

732. 'what you and your boyfriend are up to.'

733. Just when things are about

734. to hit the fan

735. they hit the ground, instead

736. with a thud.

737. - Mother, mother. - Her pulse feels okay.

738. Hey, give me your jacket. I wanna put it under her head.

739. - 'I'll call an ambulance.' - No, please, I-I'm alright.

740. No, don't get up too quickly. You fainted from the stress.

741. Oh, don't you try and pin this on me. Mother, are you alright?

742. I'll be when you let me off the floor!

743. 'Okay, let's get you somewhere more comfortable. Up we go.'

744. - Oh. - Good.

745. Okay. Look, you still look pale.

746. I think we should call Dr. Sue.

747. I'm not gonna wait around for some concierge doctor.

748. We're gonna take you to the hospital.

749. Okay, let's get her over here.

750. I told you I'm fine!

751. I know what's wrong.

752. Yeah, you keep this apartment excessively warm.

753. Just tell them, grandma.

754. She's been dieting to fit into her jumpsuit.

755. A few martinis and glasses of champagne

756. on an empty stomach, and anyone would pass out.

757. Well, Charlotte's right, I'm afraid

758. that I let my vanity get the better of me

759. but, um, something delicious to eat will fix me right up.

760. Well, comfort food. That's something I'm good at.

761. So why don't you go ahead, ahead of me, darling?

762. Oh, don't be silly, mother. We'll have our own celebration.

763. Once we get grandma something to eat

764. and make sure she's okay..

765. Charlie can get back to telling us everything.

766. Tha-thanks.

767. It's so nice working for someone who means what he says.

768. Yeah, well, let's, uh..

769. let's hope everyone feels the same way.

770. "We, at "The Spectator," are the voice of honesty

771. "not the wealthy or politically connected.

772. "Recently, a family member tried to manipulate our site

773. "for personal and political gain.

774. "We're not going to name names.

775. "We won't going to post the story or bury it

776. "but instead we're coming to you with a promise

777. '"that we will never let money'

778. "power or personal agendas

779. get in the way of reporting the truth."

780. Told you I'd do the right thing.

781. I'm sorry if we have different versions of what that is.

782. I'm not here to reprimand you.

783. You remind me of myself when I was your age.

784. Wait, you're not angry that I alluded to Maureen?

785. Now you're your own man, Nathaniel.

786. I've always loved you..

787. but now I respect you, too.

788. You never pulled me to the dark side, Blair.

789. I appreciate you

790. trying to make me feel better.

791. But I have my answer.

792. You were the lightest thing

793. that ever came into my life.

794. Then..

795. why did it take letting me go

796. to find this whole new side of yourself?

797. I only turned dark and desperate

798. because I was afraid of losing you.

799. 'Your love kept me alive.'

800. But you survived without me.

801. The worst thing happened and I didn't die.

802. But I had to find a way to move on with my life.

803. I only want you to be happy.

804. I'm just... sorry it couldn't be with me.

805. Oh, Blair, there you are.

806. I brought some more samples with me.

807. I see the groom is here, too.

808. I'm not the groom.

809. When I saw you in LA, I lied.

810. I didn't tell you that Max was my boyfriend

811. 'or that I was living'

812. under the name Ivy Dickens.

813. Who's Ivy Dickens?

814. I'm sorry, mother, that was my fault.

815. I didn't want anyone to find out that she was a Rhodes

816. 'and use her for her money'

817. which is exactly what Max is doing.

818. I'm not the one using you people. She is.

819. He's blackmailing me!

820. 'Is that what you wanted the money for?'

821. Not for an apartment?

822. He manipulated me..

823. into doing things I'm not proud of.

824. What are you talking about?

825. He has a tape..

826. that he was threatening to expose.

827. I was worried he was gonna

828. do the same to you, Serena.

829. That's why I tried to get you

830. to stop seeing him.

831. I don't have a tape.

832. Why didn't you just tell the truth?

833. I just... tried to pay him off get rid of him.

834. 'I-I can't believe you people are buying this.'

835. She's scamming you.

836. She's not Charlie Rhodes, she's Ivy Dickens.

837. She's a wannabe actress from Florida!

838. I think we've heard enough of your lies.

839. And you're not even her real mother!

840. She grew up in trailer parks!

841. 'Her father was a heroin addict'

842. 'who died right in front of her when she was eight years old!'

843. It's just what I told him to make him believe I was Ivy.

844. I have proof.

845. - You took it. - Enough.

846. This is my granddaughter, Charlie Rhodes.

847. I was there the day she was born.

848. She is my family.

849. I don't need any proof.

850. I know it in my bones.

851. You should go before we call the police.

852. You just remember..

853. I warned all of you.

854. Sister Sledge sang "We Are Family"

855. but she had nothing on the Rhodes girls.

856. I'm sorry again.

857. I should have had enough faith in our friendship

858. to be able to tell you the truth.

859. Oh, no, it's okay.

860. But I do see why you fell for Max.

861. I mean, he seemed perfect.

862. Too bad he was just seeing me to get to you.

863. - You'll find someone great. - Hm, I hope so.

864. But at least Max left his cake.

865. I think I'm gonna get some more champagne.

866. Can I, uh, interrupt your slide?

867. Yeah, you know, I think I'll go find

868. an extra fondue set.

869. I'm sorry..

870. about changing Charlie's name.

871. It took mom fainting for me to realize..

872. why you were so upset about it.

873. I just want us all to be Rhodes

874. for as long as we have left.

875. Me, too.

876. It's just another example of my overprotective parenting

877. getting the best of me.

878. I may have been a little quick

879. to judge, again

880. but it's only because I've come to love Charlie

881. as if she were my own.

882. Great!

883. Now she'll have..

884. two moms to screw her up.

885. Oh, I love this song!

886. Thank you for your discretion earlier.

887. No problem.

888. But, um..

889. You know, if you're really sick..

890. I think you should tell the family.

891. They might care more than you think.

892. Perhaps.

893. But I appreciate you protecting my secret.

894. We all have them. It's a Rhodes family tradition.

895. That's not nearly mean enough.

896. Here, let's switch. I'll be hate, you be love.

897. "Talk about by the numbers.

898. Humphrey's more Hardy Boy than Hemingway."

899. Impressive.

900. I've been at this a while.

901. 'Oh, oh my God!'

902. Katy Perry just retweeted us.

903. What? She-she's got like nine million followers.

904. Those are best-seller numbers.

905. You went full Jerry Maguire and the family approved.

906. Sounds like a successful editorial to me.

907. I must say..

908. being in control felt pretty damn good.

909. As will losing it.

910. How was your day with Blair?

911. Did you teach her how to turn Louis around?

912. I told her the truth.

913. The whole truth? You should work for "The Spectator."

914. I just wish I had the courage to do it sooner.

915. I've finally become the man she wanted..

916. and she's already chosen another one.

917. I'm too late.

918. You still love her, huh?

919. I can't imagine the day I won't.

920. Long after the clubs have closed

921. "Disco Inferno" rages on.

922. For some, it's burning desire

923. that keeps them awake at night.

924. Miss Blair, if you finally find key

925. to bring Mr. Louis back to castle

926. why you not look like perky self?

927. Just tell him he will not lose you

928. and he will be prince again.

929. I can find time difference

930. so you can call him in third-world country.

931. Hm. No.

932. I need to rest.

933. All that wedding cake made me sick.

934. You're dismissed.

935. For others, it's the flames of uncertainty

936. that plague them.

937. Looks like we're finally in the clear.

938. You can leave anytime you want.

939. Would it be okay with you if I stay?

940. You have enough money

941. you could set yourself up

942. anywhere in the world.

943. It's not about the money for me.

944. In fact, you can have all of it.

945. Then..

946. what do you want?

947. A family.

948. Hm... I'm sorry, I never knew..

949. that you'd had such a troubled upbringing.

950. Yeah.

951. I swiped this when Max took off his jacket.

952. I'll make sure no one ever sees this.

953. Thanks.

954. Well, if they ever found out..

955. the truth about the real Charlotte Rhodes..

956. '... they would never forgive me.'

957. This way..

958. we both get to keep our family.

959. - What do you want? - My life back.

960. The move to Los Angeles..

961. the job I gave up with Boulud..

962. the two years I spent believing you and loving you

963. when all you did was lie and cheat

964. so you could have some fancy life that isn't yours.

965. You better watch your back..

966. 'cause I'm not leaving town until I get what I deserve.

967. Good luck with that.

968. No one can touch me anymore.

969. I'm a Rhodes now.

970. If you're going to play with matches

971. make sure you don't leave them around

972. to spark the flame anew.

973. Disco isn't actually dead

974. and neither am I.

975. XOXO, Gossip Girl.