Gossip Girl 5x4

1. Gossip Girl here..

2. Your one and only source

3. into the scandalous lives

4. of Manhattan's elite.

5. Ivy, stop talking to your boyfriend and start working.

6. Charlie! Oh, my gosh!

7. What are you doing here?

8. "The Beautiful and The Damned" wraps in a week

9. but how would you like to keep working for me?

10. I would love to.

11. - What are you looking for? - 'My phone.'

12. I think I left it at the fashion show

13. when the assistant checked it in.

14. I'm not interested in interviews with New York's elite.

15. I want their secrets and scandals.

16. You had everyone's phones taken.

17. Why didn't you just, you know, look at some of them?

18. Do you know someone called Ivy?

19. The truth is, I can't wait to be a father

20. a-and now I'm going to be one.

21. 'I never intended to, to publish "Inside."'

22. Somehow it fell into Simon & Schuster's laps.

23. It's a satire of my entire life and everyone I know.

24. You didn't write this book. I did.

25. Bravo! He did it!

26. I told you I'd get him to step forward.

27. 'Dan Humphrey, Alessandra Steele, my agent.'

28. Where has she been, Serena?

29. And who am I?

30. That's a secret I'll never tell.

31. You know you love me.

32. Gossip Girl.

33. 'It's brilliant.'

34. 'Really exceptional.'

35. 'Loved the book.'

36. Do I know you? Any of you?

37. Do I know anyone here at all?

38. The ending... just slays me.

39. Slays me how you're all alone

40. with no friends left.

41. Surrounded by people who think

42. they know you but really don't.

43. - It's genius. - Right, but, uh, it's not me.

44. It's the character Dylan Hunter. Book is, the book is fiction.

45. Oh, I'm happy to tell you it' a brilliant piece of fiction

46. that's number 38 on the Amazon pre-order list.

47. - 25,000 shipped so far. - Ooh. Wow.

48. Quick question. How big can my head get before it-it explodes?

49. Half the buys are probably Upper East Siders

50. 'dying to see if they're in it.'

51. Yeah. Some of my friends might feel they are.

52. - They're coming tonight, right? - To-to the book party?

53. No. I haven't exactly mentioned it to them yet.

54. Um, I'd have to tell them the book exists first.

55. They don't know? Not any of them?

56. No. And I'm not sure

57. they're gonna like it when they find out.

58. If they're really your friends, they'll be happy to see

59. your star rise, and they should be at the soiree tonight

60. when everybody learns that Anonymous

61. is actually Daniel Humphrey.

62. I'm gonna need six copies of this book

63. uh, that should probably be hand-delivered.

64. 'I'll see you later at Giorgio Armani'

65. for your suit fitting?

66. And don't shave.

67. Makes you look like a real writer.

68. I now understand why women used to go into confinement.

69. It wasn't because of modesty but vanity.

70. Look at my boobs.

71. Oh, I'm huge.

72. - Are you even listening? - 'Sorry, darling.'

73. I was just reading about how

74. some pregnant women have mood swings.

75. Apparently, they didn't know you before the pregnancy.

76. Oh, you look gorgeous.

77. I-I can't wait to tell the whole world the good news.

78. Me, too.

79. My mother and Beatrice arrive tonight.

80. And I asked my mom and Cyrus to join us

81. for dinner at the consulate.

82. And then we'll tell everyone together.

83. You don't think your family is gonna be upset, do you?

84. I don't want them to think of me

85. as the star of some trashy MTV show

86. like "Unmarried and Pregnant Princesses"

87. or, I don't know, "Royally Screwed."

88. My mother will be over the moon.

89. The job of any princess is to provide an heir to the kingdom.

90. And that is exactly what you are doing.

91. An heir to a kingdom lives within me.

92. How very Shakespeare.

93. A comedy, not a tragedy, I hope.

94. So do I, which is why I have to tell one person

95. before we meet up with the families.

96. And I can do that right now.

97. 'Yeah, we received the latest draft.'

98. It's on Jane's desk.

99. Okay, I'll have her call you. Thank you.

100. Morning, everyone.

101. I'm on a juice fast this week.

102. Not going to be pretty.

103. Um, I will put those in the fridge for you.

104. I'll also request an extra cashew drink.

105. It makes the day bearable.

106. - Thank you. List. - Yes.

107. The coverage you wanted on the Krakauer galley

108. is on your desk, as well as the new spec script

109. that Sony won in the bidding war.

110. What is it again?

111. "American Psycho" in prep school.

112. Make it go away.

113. Also, um, I know that it's a long shot

114. but I sent Daniel Day-Lewis "The Blue Rose"

115. along with a note and a rosebush that only grows in Ireland.

116. I don't know. I thought it might be a special touch.

117. Daniel never agrees to do anything.

118. The man took three years to make a pair of shoes.

119. But I like that you're putting it out there.

120. - Sam? - Yes?

121. Could you get me and Serena two green teas?

122. Yeah, sure. Happy to.

123. I knew that my instincts were right hiring you.

124. - You're a smart cookie. - Oh.

125. You can look at your phone.

126. I don't run a Gulag.

127. Thank you.

128. 'That's Piper Van Allen.'

129. 'And that's Sullivan Baker.'

130. And I care about their PG-13 pictures because..

131. 'Cause Piper is married to Jason Van Allen.

132. Oh, well, I am slightly more interested.

133. Yeah, and Sullivan's with that celebrity florist guy.

134. I think they got married in Amagansett this summer.

135. Oh. That's a twist I wasn't expecting.

136. Yeah.

137. Well, our phone swipe at the Jenny Packham Show

138. gave us some pretty good stories.

139. Yeah, but pretty good isn't perfect.

140. If only we had Blair Waldorf's phone.

141. I told you, she's my friend.

142. My friends are off-limits.

143. Oh. Morals.

144. - How quaint. - Hmm.

145. Mm.

146. I mean, why do you even hold on to that phone

147. if you're not gonna answer it?

148. Because I don't have to explain how I got it.

149. But I am too intrigued by

150. our mysterious Ivy to just toss it away.

151. Well, we could always lie

152. say we found it on the street.

153. How are we gonna find her?

154. Look. There are no names in the phone, only numbers.

155. And there was no tag for her at the party.

156. Well, maybe she was just a crasher.

157. - You know, a nobody. - Mm.

158. Nobodies don't hide their friends.

159. - They advertise them. - Hmm.

160. I have a feeling about this girl.

161. Wait a second, hold on. I know that number.

162. Yeah?

163. Alright, well, I'll be back in a bit

164. hopefully with a new lead.

165. 'Your call has been forwarded to an automated..'

166. Still haven't found your phone?

167. No, and I've been calling it nonstop.

168. Well, maybe it's time for a new one.

169. New city, new cell phone. Hmm?

170. Yeah, but my whole world's in that phone.

171. Final mix of Panic's debut album.

172. This is so exciting.

173. Yeah, it's been a long time coming.

174. Do you ever regret not getting back into music sooner, Rufus?

175. Nah. No, I wouldn't give up raising my kids for anything.

176. I mean, I love music, but Dan and Jenny, they're my life.

177. Okay, everybody ready?

178. Maybe that's Dan. I was hoping he would join.

179. Good boy.

180. - Hello. - Hmm.

181. Do you know what this summoning is about?

182. I do but I can't say.

183. I'm sworn to secrecy.

184. Since when do you bite your tongue?

185. - I'm learning. - Oh!

186. Well, isn't Humphrey becoming quite the Drama Queen?

187. Isn't that usually your role?

188. I prefer Drama Princess now.

189. How are you, by the way?

190. I'm okay.

191. Thanks for asking.

192. Sorry. Squirrels.

193. Shall we?

194. 'What are you guys doing here?'

195. We must have all gotten the same text from Dan.

196. The last time he was this secretive

197. he showed up with a baby.

198. Don't worry, you're not about to become a grandfather

199. though Dan is about to give birth in another way.

200. Okay, I'm pretty sure this is how every murder mystery begins.

201. Serena, how was your job?

202. Oh, really great, actually.

203. So great she has no time for me.

204. Well, I would if you weren't asleep every time I got home.

205. Uh, I'm still jet-lagged.

206. Haven't you been home for weeks?

207. It certainly feels that way

208. when I'm around you.

209. Serena, quick question.

210. You don't happen to know

211. a girl named Ivy, do you?

212. 'No, I don't think so. Why?'

213. 'Oh. Well, I found her cell'

214. but I don't know how to get it back to her.

215. Your number was in her phone book.

216. What's her number? I'll dial it.

217. Look! Here's Dan.

218. Hey, everyone. Thank you so much for coming.

219. I only have five minutes.

220. This better be really important.

221. - What is this all about? - Is everything alright?

222. This isn't about me, right?

223. Yeah, what's going on, Dan?

224. This is going to be fun.

225. I'm sorry to call everyone here on such short notice, but, uh..

226. Alright, you know how there's been all this speculation about

227. the book that's being published by an anonymous author?

228. Yeah. Gossip Girl said it was about us.

229. Yeah, it was probably written by some loser

230. who doesn't even know us.

231. Well, not exactly.

232. I am that loser.

233. I wrote it.

234. 'And it is based on..'

235. you, sort of all of you.

236. Looks like it's going to be a hot time

237. in this old town tonight.

238. Let's just hope lonely boy

239. and his book don't go up in flames.

240. Hey. What are you doing?

241. I thought you were waiting downstairs.

242. I'm tired of waiting.

243. When are you gonna tell them?

244. Soon. I promise.

245. "Soon" isn't soon enough.

246. It's time they all knew about us.

247. - What's so funny? - I think you should ask Dan.

248. Uh, well, I might-I might've made your character a little..

249. Gay.

250. I hope that's okay.

251. Stop enjoying this so much.

252. You wanted me to feel something.

253. That's a feeling.

254. Do I have game?

255. Oh, definitely.

256. Oh. I'm cool with that.

257. I-I know it's gonna be a little weird

258. with everyone reading characters inspired by themselves

259. but I wanna make it clear..

260. this book is a work of fiction.

261. 'And after you read it, I hope that'

262. 'you'll feel good enough about it and me'

263. that, uh, you will come to this book party tonight.

264. The publisher is announcing that I'm the author. So..

265. Yeah. Of course we'll be there.

266. Well, read it first and then decide because I..

267. 'You know, I didn't have a lot of time to make changes'

268. and there are some instances where it's not exactly

269. how I would've wanted it.

270. Well, an artist never feels his work is perfect.

271. But it's good to always strive for more.

272. 'I am so proud of you, son.'

273. I am gonna cancel my whole day with panic

274. just so I can savor your book.

275. So, now that this unnecessary meeting

276. about America's future doorstop is adjourned

277. do you wanna go grab a cup of decaf?

278. Oh, I would love to, B., but I'm already late for work.

279. I gotta get back.

280. Well, maybe after work then?

281. If this is about the book, don't worry.

282. Everyone loves a villain.

283. I wouldn't say there's a villain, per se.

284. Well, I can tell you who isn't.

285. Come on, every girl needs to be

286. knocked off her pedestal a little.

287. 'Can't handle that kind of pressure.'

288. I'll see you later.

289. Um, you know that story I wrote that Louis killed?

290. It's in the book? Yeah, I figured.

291. But if it's all the same to you

292. I think I'd like to stay in the dark

293. about just how nastily you've portrayed me.

294. Yeah, that's a good idea.

295. I mean, you know, we're just recently

296. friends again. Why ruin a good thing?

297. Yeah, and, uh, I'm sorry in advance

298. but I have a better offer than your party tonight.

299. Louis and I are telling our families our news.

300. - Good luck. - You, too.

301. Your novel seems to be, uh, very well-punctuated

302. and I liked the font.

303. Yeah. I'll, uh, I'll be right over. Bye.

304. Wow. A book written about you guys.

305. - It sounds exciting. - Well..

306. I hope he wasn't writing it when I went nutso last year.

307. Trust me, there was enough insanity around

308. before you even got here.

309. So..

310. You and Serena were talking about a girl named Ivy?

311. I think I met someone

312. at the Jenny Packham Show with that name.

313. Can I help?

314. Actually, yeah.

315. I was just hoping to find her

316. and give her phone back.

317. I think she was with

318. one of Lily's society friends.

319. Maybe we could look through

320. her phone contacts, jog my memory?

321. I left it at the office, but yeah, I could do that.

322. Do you happen to remember what she looks like?

323. Hmm, blonde, boobs, Botox?

324. Huh? That pretty much describes

325. everyone at the event.

326. If I saw her, I'd probably recognize her.

327. What'd I miss?

328. Uh, Nigel Kirstein called for you

329. and we got an advance copy of this new book

330. by some anonymous New York insider

331. and everyone in town is trying to figure out who.

332. Well, I know who. I used to date him.

333. Shut up.

334. No way. You're "Sabrina"?

335. The dreamy blonde with the legs.

336. I guess I am.

337. Hi, uh, this is Serena van der Woodsen returning.

338. Yeah, I'll hold.

339. Did you actually have cases of Champagne

340. delivered to your school?

341. Is that what he wrote?

342. No, a friend was pulling a prank on me.

343. But it happened?

344. That was in high school. Keep reading.

345. You'll see I mature as he gets to know me better.

346. Hey. Yeah-oh, no, it's great to hear from you, too.

347. What?

348. Daniel Day-Lewis responded to my letter about "The Blue Rose"?

349. Himself?

350. Yeah. No, of course.

351. Okay, thank you so much.

352. - What was that? - That was his manager.

353. Th-they wanna set up a conference call

354. to talk about the project.

355. I have to tell Jane right now.

356. Oh. Dylan Hunter said everything comes easy for you.

357. Keep reading. I told you.

358. I'm almost through.

359. So, I was thinking

360. Pierre maybe if it's a boy

361. since it's a Grimaldi family name.

362. Why not Charles?

363. It's a name that seems to have special significance to you.

364. Wh-what?

365. Louis, is something wrong?

366. I know you were with Chuck.

367. Is that who you needed to tell our news to?

368. No.

369. It was Serena, and I didn't even get a chance to.

370. Dan gathered us all together because he wrote some novel

371. about everyone, and he wanted to make sure

372. we knew about it first.

373. But the way he said he made you in that story..

374. If there's an entire book, it could be terrible.

375. Look, I-I would expect nothing less.

376. I was mean to him on the steps of the met.

377. I bad-mouthed him repeatedly to his dream girl.

378. 'I tried to undermine him at W.'

379. I-m, I'm sure he's brutal.

380. Look, he may be calling this a novel

381. but I know just how little imagination he really has.

382. 'It's a memoir masquerading as fiction'

383. like a reverse James Frey.

384. So, you're going to read it?

385. No. No.

386. And, and you shouldn't either.

387. Look, that book has nothing to do with us

388. and the family we're building.

389. Whatever's in there, even if it is the truth

390. it's in the past.

391. Now, if you'll excuse me

392. this baby of yours is making me so tired

393. I need to lie down.

394. Still nothing?

395. The woman I met's not even in the background anywhere.

396. Maybe she's a ghost.

397. Well, at an Upper East Side event

398. we just call them first wives.

399. Nate, can I see you for a minute?

400. Uh... yeah.

401. Sure.

402. I'm sorry. You know, I-I can leave.

403. It's fine. I only need a minute.

404. I'm Diana, by the way.

405. So I gathered.

406. Charlie.

407. Who is that and why is she in my office?

408. Charlie Rhodes, alright? Serena's cousin.

409. And she said she met a woman named Ivy

410. 'at the fashion show last week.'

411. 'I don't care who she is.'

412. 'We can't have strangers in here going through our photos.'

413. 'You should know better.'

414. Listen, she's trustworthy, I promise.

415. I don't care. Get rid of her.

416. I'm sorry. I..

417. wasn't any more help.

418. If I remember anything more about her

419. I'll let you know.

420. It was really nice to meet you.

421. I've heard so much.

422. - I'll see you. - Bye.

423. Thanks for letting me hang here, man.

424. I'm rather enjoying watching you squirm. Scotch?

425. - It's, like, 2:00 p.m. - Valium then?

426. I'm guessing my dad is

427. uh, probably halfway through

428. and Nate's probably still on page 20.

429. I wonder if they're gonna be upset with me.

430. Alessandra said it isn't that scathing.

431. And I-and I-I am, I'm harshest on myself.

432. I hope they can see that. Come here, buddy.

433. Stop whining.

434. 'You're not the first person to use'

435. the world around them for inspiration.

436. Didn't your dad get temporarily famous singing about Lily?

437. Yeah, but my book isn't a love song, you know?

438. Why aren't you mad at me?

439. Your character dies

440. accidentally, but it's not a-it's not a happy ending.

441. On the contrary

442. although clearly fiction.

443. I've never use a belt.

444. I'd use a Shahtoosh scarf.

445. - Much softer. - Ah.

446. Well, well, let's hope everyone else shares your point of view.

447. All success comes at a price.

448. The artist must stand alone to observe the crowd, right?

449. It's funny. Vanessa said the same thing.

450. Hey, dad..

451. Really?

452. Great. You're coming. Alright.

453. Uh, you know, I have another call

454. but-but, uh, but I'll see you tonight.

455. Okay? Alright. Hello?

456. Seems like things are looking up for lonely boy.

457. Thank you. Thank you so much. Means a lot that you're coming..

458. Let's hope they've actually read the book

459. and not judged it by its cover.

460. How is it I can sleep for two hours

461. and still be so exhausted?

462. Louis, are you sitting here by yourself?

463. I was just, uh, waiting for you to wake up

464. so I could tell you the bad news.

465. My family is not going to make it.

466. There is a terrible storm over the Atlantic

467. that has delayed their trip.

468. I-I'll let my mom and Cyrus know.

469. We can tell them tomorrow when Sophie and Beatrice arrive.

470. If they make it by then.

471. Well, what do you want to do tonight instead?

472. Shall I make a reservation for Gramercy Tavern?

473. I have some work to catch up on.

474. Why don't you go to Dan's book party?

475. I'm sure he'd love to see you.

476. Okay.

477. Louis just lied to me about his family.

478. How you know?

479. My outfit for tonight's announcement

480. included a pair of crocodile Alaia's

481. and you can't wear such a beautiful shoe

482. if there's even a hint of sprinkle outside.

483. So, of course I checked the weather.

484. Clear from Monaco to Manhattan.

485. Maybe have something to do with lonely boy book.

486. Louis was reading while you sleep.

487. He did not look happy.

488. I told him not to read it

489. it's not like there's anything in it

490. that he doesn't know about me.

491. Oh, my God.

492. I'm gonna kill Dan Humphrey.

493. Oh, God, the RSVPs are rolling in.

494. The literary world is saying yes to you.

495. To Anonymous.

496. Let's hope they're still interested

497. when they find out he's me.

498. They will be.

499. That and dying to know

500. who you based the characters on.

501. We'll want to get a photo of you with all your friends tonight.

502. That way, people can play the guessing game of who's who.

503. Uh, um, you know, I don't-I don't know.

504. I'm not sure that they're gonna want to..

505. To be the lead photo on "New York Social Diary"?

506. They wouldn't all be coming if they didn't want to support you.

507. Well, not everyone's coming. Blair's not.

508. Yes, she is.

509. She just RSVP'd, it's right here.

510. Blair Waldorf, no plus-one.

511. Really? 'Cause she told me herself that she..

512. So, my ex in Scott Rudin's office called.

513. Apparently, everyone is talking about

514. the book that your friend wrote and your character in it.

515. Oh, I told him that you're Sabrina.

516. I hope that's not a problem.

517. No, not at all.

518. It's nice to play

519. such a big part in Dan's book.

520. We've always been so close.

521. Ugh! He must've been a saint to put with you that long.

522. Remind me never to start a juice fast

523. the day we talk to Daniel Day-Lewis.

524. Uh, your pineapple mint's on the desk.

525. Better. Let's seal this deal.

526. Jane Bettinger's office.

527. - 'Serena?' - Yeah. Hi, Nigel. It's me.

528. I'm-I'm putting you on speaker with Jane now.

529. Daniel's manager.

530. 'We're going to need to postpone the meeting.'

531. 'Sorry for the short notice.'

532. 'Uh, hold on a minute.'

533. 'I need to hop on another call.'

534. Huh. I wonder if this has anything

535. to do with you being in that book.

536. Uh, D.D.L is notoriously anti-anything scene-y.

537. What are you talking about?

538. Oh, well, there's this novel going around town

539. with a character based on Serena.

540. Sabrina is a totally shallow, self-obsessed party girl.

541. Yes, uh, I finished it.

542. Aren't you being a little reductive?

543. And ridiculous.

544. Daniel lives on a farm in Ireland.

545. His cow's probably giving birth right now

546. and everything isn't about Serena.

547. 'Sorry about that.'

548. 'I'm afraid right now is not a a good time'

549. 'for Daniel to be looking at this particular project.'

550. Wait. I'm-I'm sorry. You-you're passing?

551. 'Sorry, Sabrina. Movie business.'

552. 'It's all about timing. Cheers.'

553. Did he just say "Sabrina"?

554. Did you spend extra time doing your hair tonight, Nathaniel?

555. Ha ha. I don't mind that Dan made me gay.

556. I know. I was actually a little offended he didn't make me gay.

557. Personally, I thought you'd be more annoyed

558. at being conflated with Eric.

559. You didn't read it, did you?

560. What do you mean by conflated?

561. Your character is two years younger

562. than everyone else and is best friends

563. with the narrator's little sister Frankie.

564. In fact, the only thing I think you share

565. is Lacrosse and a good political pedigree.

566. Mmm. What's my character's name again?

567. Derek.

568. What took you so long?

569. I got your text, and I came right over. What's wrong?

570. Can't believe you told everyone. It was meant to be our secret.

571. You're the one who wanted it kept secret, not me.

572. I have a life, future

573. plans, and you can't just screw this up.

574. - I didn't mean to. - You have to understand.

575. There is nothing between us.

576. Not then, not now.

577. Nothing.

578. I don't believe you.

579. Do you believe me now?

580. Can we dare believe?

581. Queen B and lonely boy doing the deed?

582. Even I have to admit it's a novel idea.

583. Dan. What are you doing here?

584. I'm supposed to be here. It's my party, isn't it?

585. Yes, but when it's your party, you arrive late

586. and the later the better

587. especially because we want

588. a big frenzy around the reveal

589. that you are Anonymous.

590. I need to put you somewhere no one will see you.

591. Alright. So, I'm supposed to just hide in here?

592. Yeah, you can sign books while you wait.

593. And do not come out until I tell you.

594. Okay.

595. Oh! I'm sorry.

596. Oh. No, no, it was me.

597. I wasn't looking.

598. I'm on my way to an event.

599. Is it drinks with me?

600. I wish I could say it was, but it's a family thing.

601. Come on. What sounds more fun?

602. Your family

603. or a Dirty Martini with a stranger?

604. Well, a Martini or two could be nice.

605. Flighty? Irresponsible?

606. I'm gonna kill him.

607. - Whoa! I'm sorry. - Yes, you are.

608. Oh, I am so sorry Nate couldn't come.

609. Not as sorry as Dan's going to be.

610. Wonder where he is.

611. Hi. I'm Alessandra, Dan's agent.

612. You must be his dad.

613. It is a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Humphrey

614. and you, Mrs. Humphrey.

615. Oh, you can call me Lily.

616. And this is Sloane Crosley

617. the best-selling author of

618. '"I Was Told There'd Be Cake."'

619. Which I am still in search of

620. so if you'll excuse me.

621. Oh, it's so nice to meet you.

622. Where is the man of the hour? He's early to everything.

623. I'm hiding him. He'll be out soon.

624. And you must be Mr. Charlie Trout.

625. I have been dying to meet you.

626. Care to join me for a drink?

627. You know, I just saw Graydon.

628. Maybe we should go say hello.

629. Nice meeting you.

630. Ciao.

631. I was nervous you wouldn't show up

632. considering your portrayal in the book.

633. - Why would I be upset? - I don't know.

634. Your character's story is so tragic

635. even before he dies.

636. And the way it happens

637. all I could think was

638. how long you must have been hanging there

639. before anybody found you.

640. I have plenty of staff.

641. They would have found me immediately.

642. Staff? Not friends or family?

643. That makes it even worse.

644. Hello?

645. Hi. I'm looking for an Ivy Dickens.

646. - Yeah. This is sh.. - 'She?'

647. I figured as much.

648. Don't bother lying or hanging up.

649. We met this morning when you were Charlie Rhodes.

650. Remember me now?

651. Hey, do you know where Dan is?

652. Can you believe what he wrote about me?

653. Which part? Sabrina is glamorous, sexy, beautiful.

654. Selfish, insensitive, shallow.

655. Let me tell you, from experience

656. everyone loves a villain.

657. Yeah, I told Blair the same thing

658. but then I realized if that's true

659. why are you always alone?

660. - Not one word. You seen Dan? - No. Have you?

661. Did you see what he wrote about me?

662. 'No, I didn't have time to read all of it'

663. just the parts about me.

664. Me, too.

665. Check the study.

666. Nate, hey, are you here?

667. My agent has me locked in the study.

668. Please tell me the party's good.

669. I decided not to come.

670. What? Why? Is everything okay?

671. No, dude. It's-it's not.

672. - What? I thought you.. - 'Derek? Really?'

673. I mean, I can't believe I'm not even

674. important enough to merit my own character.

675. I'm one of your best friends, Dan.

676. 'At least I thought I was.'

677. No, every writer condenses people

678. for better dramatic effect.

679. Hemingway did it.

680. Uh, Joseph Mitchell did it..

681. You have a lot of explaining to do, Humphrey.

682. I am so sorry I wasn't able to stop by.

683. I gotta call you back 'cause Blair and Serena are here.

684. Oh, right, because they're more important

685. which is why they got their own characters.

686. No, wait.

687. - Nate is.. - 'Furious?'

688. Yeah, because I am.

689. And I'm more furious, if that's even possible.

690. I could lose my job over this.

691. I could lose my fiance!

692. Wait. What?

693. I didn't read your parts.

694. He wrote that we had sex!

695. - You slept with Dan? - No.

696. You really think I would do that?

697. - It's not what you think. - Is this true?

698. Of course it's true.

699. This is why you had me kill your story

700. and why you asked me not to read it.

701. I came here because I thought my suspicion's ridiculous.

702. Turns out the only thing ridiculous is me.

703. I should have known.

704. Dan, your father and stepmother..

705. - Oh, great. You're all here. - Hi.

706. Perfect opportunity for..

707. - A photo. - 'Everyone in?'

708. Looks like the best piece of fiction

709. is that people are actually happy for Dan Humphrey.

710. Is this what you've been trying to tell me all day?

711. No, because it never happened. It never happened.

712. I don't believe a word you say.

713. You said yourself that Dan has no imagination.

714. Okay, uh, thanks, but, Louis, it didn't happen.

715. I would never lie to you. You know that.

716. I never know with you.

717. And that's the problem.

718. We're gonna go check on the guests.

719. Come on, Rufus.

720. I have no reason to stay here any longer.

721. You had better hope I can stop your fantasy life

722. from destroying my real one.

723. Blair, I never wanted us to come between you two.

724. When are you gonna get it through your head?

725. 'There's no "us." There never was!'

726. There's nothing here but friendship

727. and even that's gone now.

728. Please tell me it is time for my entrance.

729. Not yet, but you'll be fine here with your friend.

730. 'Susan Baines was arrested today at her east Hampton estate'

731. 'for an alleged Ponzi scheme reminiscent of the Madoff case.'

732. 'Apparently, Ms. Baines' hedge fund'

733. 'which has been funneling..'

734. How did you know?

735. Just a hunch.

736. But then I did my research.

737. Quite a web you've spun.

738. But what I can't quite figure out is why.

739. Maybe the people you've been lying to could explain it to me.

740. I didn't ask for any of it.

741. Serena's aunt, Carol Rhodes, paid me

742. to impersonate her daughter Charlie

743. so she could access her trust fund.

744. It worked.

745. And I took the money and went back to my real life

746. only Serena found me and dragged me back here.

747. Now I'm trapped.

748. Ohh. So, now you can't get out.

749. Or maybe you don't want to.

750. That dress suits you

751. as does living in a penthouse, I'm sure.

752. I'm not in it for the money.

753. Maybe I was before

754. but now for the first time in my life

755. I feel like I actually belong somewhere.

756. But you don't.

757. And when these people realize you're not one of them

758. they're gonna destroy you.

759. Please don't tell them.

760. I won't.

761. I'm gonna protect you

762. if you let me.

763. What do you want?

764. You're making a big mistake.

765. In thinking that Blair could be trusted, yes.

766. She will always have her secrets.

767. She can't exist without them.

768. You were right, after all.

769. You should never listen to me.

770. If you read Dan's book, you know how I turn out.

771. You have a chance

772. at having love in your life

773. not ending up alone..

774. hanging in a closet.

775. Don't give up

776. on your own fact

777. over someone else's fiction.

778. - I'm sorry you're hurt. - No, not hurt. Mystified.

779. In high school, you were the only one

780. who saw me for who I really was or who I wanted to be.

781. You helped me be somebody that I was more proud of.

782. I didn't know.

783. Do you even remember the girl

784. that you fell in love with?

785. 'Or just that she got so drunk on Thanksgiving'

786. that she got grazed by a taxi

787. or that she got married in Barcelona

788. or slept with not one but two of her professors?

789. I hate to break it to you, but those things happened.

790. It's not the things.

791. - It's how you wrote about them. - That's the point.

792. Dylan Hunter is a judgmental dick

793. who can't even look at himself in the mirror.

794. 'My character comes off'

795. 'the worst of all of them.'

796. He-he puts off his writing.

797. He misses job interviews.

798. He ignores his grades. Why?

799. Because he-he cares more for a pretty blonde

800. than he does his own future, and in the end

801. none of his friends are happy for his success.

802. They all turn their backs on him

803. and he deserves it.

804. Yeah. He does.

805. I need to find Blair. I gotta make sure she's okay.

806. No, we're not done here.

807. I just messed up her engagement.

808. I could ruin her life.

809. Yeah, and what about mine?

810. If you can't tell the difference

811. between what I did to Blair

812. and what I did to you

813. then maybe your portrayal in the book

814. is more accurate than you thought.

815. That sounds exactly like something

816. Dylan Hunter would say.

817. It's time. You ready for your big moment?

818. Absolutely.

819. Everyone? Everyone.

820. Hi. I, I know you're not all here to hear me speak

821. but to finally find out who is Anonymous.

822. It is with great pleasure that I introduce you

823. to the amazingly special and very talented

824. author of "Inside"

825. Dan Humphrey.

826. Seems Dan Humphrey's on the fast track

827. from lonely boy to only boy.

828. Louis didn't return my calls all night.

829. I don't know if he'll ever speak to me again.

830. Is that what you were trying to tell me yesterday?

831. Have you two been having trouble?

832. No.

833. Quite the contrary, in fact.

834. I wish I was telling you

835. this at a better time, but..

836. I'm pregnant.

837. What?

838. Oh, my gosh!

839. Blair, that's amazing!

840. Wait. That's, that's good news, right?

841. Well, I was happy. So happy.

842. But now, what if I'm in this alone?

843. No, you're not alone. Never.

844. I know I may have been busy since I got back

845. but that doesn't mean I'm not here for you.

846. I can always count on you.

847. I just wish Louis felt the same about me.

848. I do.

849. I'm gonna get ready for work.

850. I love you.

851. Let me know if you need me.

852. - Louis.. - 'Don't.'

853. I'm ashamed enough at my behavior.

854. 'I know you have a complicated past'

855. but you've been honest about it.

856. It's hard for me.

857. I want to believe, but every time I turn

858. there seems to be another secret.

859. That night at Constance, you gave me a choice.

860. And now I'm giving you one.

861. Either you find a way to trust me

862. or you let me go.

863. I could never let you go.

864. Thanks for seeing me.

865. Of course, Charles.

866. I'm so happy you called. It's been a long time.

867. Rufus isn't here if you need to talk.

868. Seems like I'm always off on my own.

869. I thought you liked it that way.

870. I don't want to be the unrepentant bad boy

871. who no one cares lives or dies.

872. It's just a book, Charles.

873. What if it isn't?

874. There are people that care so deeply for you

875. if you would just let them.

876. Blair is lost to me.

877. I know.

878. I'm sorry.

879. Hey, how was the party?

880. Oh, I didn't go.

881. Dan Humphrey wasn't exactly the friend I thought he was.

882. Mm. I'm sorry to hear it.

883. I know how important loyalty is to you.

884. But I think I have something that might cheer you up.

885. I wanna introduce you to your new colleague.

886. - Hi. - Hey.

887. What are you doing here?

888. I needed a new job.

889. So, thank you for introducing me to Diana.

890. Why do I get the feeling that there's more to this story?

891. Oh, a lady never tells.

892. It's always better to stay mysterious.

893. Ah.

894. Why don't you show her around?

895. Sure. Yeah. Welcome aboard.

896. Thank you.

897. Come on in.

898. Hey, dad.

899. Your reviews? I guess you have a lot of reading to do today.

900. I don't want you to get too excited

901. but "The New York Post" called

902. your son the potential voice of his generation.

903. And-and "The New York Times"

904. called the book.. Where is it?

905. Uh, yeah, "A searing

906. "portrayal of Manhattan's elite

907. with just the right portion of pathos."

908. I-I had to double-check it to make sure

909. they didn't say "pathetic," which is what

910. you know, all my friends think I am.

911. Is everything okay?

912. Well, last night was your big night.

913. I didn't want to ruin it for you, but..

914. Well, it kinda went there on its own.

915. What, what's going on?

916. - Did you not like the book? - Nah.

917. Of course I did. You're a beautiful writer.

918. Just..

919. broke, broke my heart.

920. Wait. Dad..

921. 'I gave up my career to raise you'

922. and I never regretted it, not once..

923. until yesterday when I

924. read what you really think about me.

925. Has-been turned trophy husband who married for money.

926. No, that is not-that's not what I think of you.

927. You more than anybody

928. should understand artistic license.

929. I never expected to be your hero, but..

930. I-I just didn't think I'd end up the fool.

931. In literature

932. there are thousands of endings.

933. Some happy, some sad.

934. Some end with a twist.

935. I want this book.

936. Well... here it is.

937. I want the movie rights to this book

938. and since you're good friends with the author

939. that shouldn't be a problem, right?

940. Uh, we're not exactly on good terms right now.

941. Look, your reputation reflects directly on me

942. 'and frankly, this book leaves yours in tatters.'

943. So, prove to me I made the right choice hiring you.

944. I want this book, and you're going to get it for me.

945. So, whatever you did to Dan Humphrey, undo it, okay?

946. You have a week.

947. Yeah, but I don't know why it says contact here..

948. Some stories open the door

949. for something more.

950. And then there are fairy tale endings

951. where the girl gets her prince.

952. And endings that turn you introspective

953. about your own life

954. and your place in the world.

955. - Hello? - How's my star?

956. Have you been reading the reviews?

957. Yeah, a few.

958. Well, I have great news.

959. The book is now number four on Amazon

960. and your reading today at the Union Square Barnes and Noble

961. is filling up fast.

962. Great. Tha-that's great.

963. And then there's the ending

964. that you saw coming a mile away

965. and yet somehow still takes you by surprise.

966. So I'll see you there at 6:00.

967. And I know, I don't have to tell you to be

968. on time 'cause you'll be early.

969. Oh, how many tickets do you want me to put on hold

970. for your friends and family?

971. None. It will just be me.

972. But don't worry, my Upper East Side friends.

973. This story isn't ending.

974. We're just at the start of a brand-new chapter.

975. Gossip Girl.