Gossip Girl 5x2

1. Gossip Girl here,

2. your one and only source

3. into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite.

4. How about a tour?

5. Absolutely. It is my house.

6. Don't you think you should be the one to go?

7. Actually, this is my house.

8. Nice to meet you, by the way, um...

9. Nate.

10. How would you like to keep working for me?

11. I would love to.

12. I have to say it was a pretty devious plan.

13. Thank you, Ivy. You played your part perfectly.

14. One month anniversary of our move.

15. Ivy, stop talking to your boyfriend and start working.

16. Charlie! Oh, my gosh!

17. What are you doing here?

18. Why would Vanessa steal your story?

19. To teach me a lesson.

20. People write songs about wiping out on our L.A. roadways.

21. I'm not scared of anything.

22. Do they know?

23. Know what?

24. How far along you are. I'd say... six weeks?

25. I'm not pregnant.

26. Lie to me all you want,

27. but your body will be telling the whole world

28. the truth by the time of your wedding.

29. Rise and shine, upper east siders.

30. It's time for your annual checkup.

31. Lucky for you, doctors take

32. their confidentiality seriously around here.

33. Are you sure this doctor's reputable?

34. Your prenatal care is imperative.

35. You never care about my womb before.

36. Maybe this is way to avoid

37. seeing Mr. Louis off on trip to Monaco

38. for feast of assumption holiday.

39. Louis' sister Beatrice is picking him up at noon

40. in their jet, which gives us

41. plenty of time to discuss your gestational issues.

42. Dorota, how are you feeling?

43. She's fine. I'm Blair, Dorota's employer.

44. I have a few questions.

45. Just go with it. Is only way.

46. I need to ask you how long her morning sickness will last.

47. As I'm naturally empathetic,

48. the mere discussion of food...

49. Not to mention the odor, the taste...

50. It should ease off in the first trimester.

51. And... what about breast sensitivity?

52. Miss Blair!

53. Is the one asking the questions.

54. You see, she practically screams when anyone touches them.

55. I can hear her all the way from queens.

56. Sensitivity's totally normal.

57. Okay. And, um, how long till she can determine

58. the father of her child?

59. She's had a few one-night stands with the staff of our building.

60. Blair Cornelia Waldorf!

61. You two should work this out.

62. Dorota can come back another time...

63. Alone.

64. I'm sorry.

65. I-I don't know what's come over me.

66. Yes, you do.

67. You are pregnant, too.

68. We are like sisters now!

69. Cousins.

70. Distant cousins.

71. Miss Blair, why you not say you are...

72. do not utter the word.

73. No one must know.

74. Well, at least not until I have some time to figure things out.

75. I don't care what you say.

76. I hug you anyway for luck.

77. And keep secret.

78. I'm sorry. It's not you...

79. I'm so sick of all you guys on antidepressants.

80. It's a good thing you don't offer satisfaction guaranteed,

81. or she'd be your third refund this week.

82. Do you need pharmaceutical assistance?

83. Yeah, I wish weed was the answer.

84. I meant Viagra.

85. No, everything works down there.

86. It's here that's the problem.

87. I just can't stop thinking about that woman from L.A.

88. It's understandable, given your mother issues.

89. She called twice.

90. She did? Did she leave a number or at least her name?

91. Last I heard, it was Anne Archibald.

92. Yeah, well, in an attempt

93. to take some of your advice about my future,

94. I asked my mom if she could help me

95. get an internship this fall.

96. Schumer and Lloyd Blankfein at Goldman

97. are both interested, and now she wants me to choose.

98. So call your mommy. Pick either job.

99. Forget about your mysterious lady from L.A.

100. If a woman wants to see you again,

101. she generally tells you her name.

102. What happened to the son helping the father make breakfast?

103. You've been on that computer since you got here.

104. I know. Sorry. I'm... I'm trying to figure out

105. which publisher has my book so I can stop it from coming out.

106. And Jeremiah Harris wasn't any help?

107. No, no, the only clue I have

108. is this, uh, check Vanessa sent me.

109. I'm sorry. I'll be one more minute,

110. and then I will be in there to burn the bacon, I swear.

111. Hey!

112. Hey. Um, listen,

113. I know you're probably on your way to surf

114. or hanging out at Cameron Diaz's house, but, uh,

115. I was wondering if you could share

116. some of your bank breaking secrets with me.

117. Well, I thought you did all your scheming with Blair.

118. No, she's not speaking to me.

119. I just need, um, to help Vanessa with a bounced check,

120. and I can't reach her. I was thinking that,

121. you know, whatever you did to get into lily's safe deposit box

122. might also work for me.

123. Oh, well, that was all Chuck.

124. He slept with the girl at the bank. But knowing him,

125. there are many more girls at many more banks.

126. You should ask him.

127. Right. Chuck. Okay, thanks.

128. So are you really staying out there?

129. Well, I got a great job, and Charlie's here.

130. Char-Charlie as in "Call me Serena" cousin Charlie

131. who moved back to Florida?

132. Yeah, who's actually been living in L.A. one and the same.

133. I'm about to go to brunch with her

134. and make her fill in all the blanks.

135. Well, don't be too quick to option her life rights

136. before you make sure she's back on her meds.

137. But in all seriousness,

138. tell her I said hi.

139. Bye.

140. And for my final course,

141. a hot peach clafouti,

142. inspired by my hot girlfriend Ivy.

143. Aw.

144. Mmm.

145. Oh, three Michelin Star, definitely.

146. Which... of these scream

147. "I am a New York City trust fund baby" more?

148. Uh... those, I guess.

149. You okay?

150. You seem extra nervous about this audition?

151. Yeah.

152. Some days it's just not as much fun

153. trying to be an actress.

154. Well, at least we're failing together.

155. Unlike Jason...

156. he just got this huge chef gig at beast in Portland.

157. Hey, it's cheap, too. Moving there could end my days

158. of plating salad with dressing on the side

159. and save you from using your mysterious emergency fund.

160. Max, I told you, this is my last resort.

161. There's only enough to use it once.

162. I know. It's just,

163. I don't want to end up like everybody else

164. who comes to L.A. with dreams only to find that L.A.

165. Is the place where dreams come to die.

166. Or you get those weird lips that everybody here has.

167. Let's not give up yet.

168. I promise things will get better.

169. I wish you could join me for the feast.

170. The church celebrates with all of Monaco's favorite foods.

171. To honor virgin mother honest rise to heaven.

172. Uh... why aren't you waiting to greet princess Beatrice

173. at the elevator?

174. I know you two will love each other.

175. Don't be so sure.

176. My first impression on grimaldi women thus far

177. has been abysmal at best.

178. Unlike grimaldi men who fall in love

179. the moment they see you, but don't worry.

180. My mother and Beatrice never agree on anything.

181. They make the brothers of Brunei look civil.

182. At least we don't have harems.

183. Ah, la voila.

184. Louis...

185. Me, too.

186. Beatrice, this is Blair.

187. You are even more beautiful than the photographs

188. in the paper.

189. Mm.

190. The perfume...

191. It's Jasmine and clove oil from Africa. Do you like it?

192. It's powerful.

193. Then I shall give you mine.

194. I'll get more when I go back.

195. I've always longed for a sister.

196. Sit, sit.

197. Tell me everything.

198. Okay, Spill. What are you doing in L.A.

199. And how did you get your mom to agree to let you come here?

200. She didn't.

201. I call her and I tell her that I'm okay,

202. but not where I am.

203. Trust me, it's better this way.

204. Florida was making me crazier than New York ever did.

205. And you're being responsible with your medication?

206. I needed a break from my mom, not reality.

207. Well, Florida's loss is my gain.

208. Okay, I wanna know everything! Friends, boyfriends.

209. Neither, honestly, which is why it's so sad

210. that you have to go back to New York for school.

211. Well, then I must be a genie,

212. 'cause your wish is granted.

213. I'm staying.

214. Um...

215. I thought that your movie ended.

216. Oh, it did, but the producer offered me a job,

217. so I'm meeting with her later today

218. to discuss the details. But don't worry.

219. We'll have plenty of time to catch up before then.

220. They say misery loves company, but sometimes

221. it's the company that makes you miserable.

222. Mm! My. Look at the time.

223. I'm so disappointed that I can't spend all day with you

224. before you rush off to your principality.

225. You know, Blair, I feel just the same,

226. which is why I moved our flight to this evening.

227. We now have all afternoon to share our secrets

228. like real sisters, and I want to know them all.

229. Mm. I can't wait.

230. Now if you'll excuse me.

231. But nothing's worse

232. than company that overstays their welcome.

233. Good luck, B.

234. Have fun being the hostess with the mostess.

235. I get working for this producer's a huge opportunity,

236. but what about Columbia?

237. Well, I'm taking the semester off,

238. and I'll see how things go after that.

239. My only issue is living with Cece.

240. Last night, at 2:00 A.M., her bridge game turned brutal.

241. A neighbor even came and complained.

242. Well, I'm sure your real estate agent

243. will find you a great place.

244. Well, hopefully near you.

245. In fact, why don't I have her just meet us at your place?

246. It's a bad idea. My roommate barely lets me in most days.

247. And he's kind of Howard Hughes-ish.

248. Hey, I was just about to call you.

249. I'm gonna need to see 2-bedroom apartments instead of one.

250. Okay, great. Thank you.

251. No, my place is fine.

252. No, it's not negotiable. This is L.A.

253. Rhodes girls have to live together.

254. It's tradition.

255. Come on. Let's go.

256. Hey, Chuck.

257. Ignore him. He's not with me.

258. Oh, hey, hey, do I need to call the cops?

259. This isn't what we signed up for. We're outta here.

260. Just...

261. I expect a full refund.

262. What are you doing? You okay?

263. I was until you arrived.

264. Uh, you don't... you don't look all right there.

265. No, no, I have the address.

266. I just need her name, okay?

267. Th-then why are you called "information," huh?

268. I'm not Serena, Humphrey. I didn't need saving.

269. Hey. I thought you were still in the Hamptons.

270. I'd ask you how your summer's going,

271. but seeing you with Chuck,

272. I guess the answer is probably "weird."

273. Oh, it gets weirder. I found him paying

274. some really rough dudes to... to fight him.

275. He wasn't forthcoming with the details, but I...

276. I would imagine it's some new bass-type scheme

277. to get Blair's attention.

278. Well, he said he was okay about her all summer.

279. Or maybe it's finally hitting him now that we're back.

280. I think something else might have hit him, too.

281. He was already pretty bruised when I got there.

282. I think he might need to see a doctor.

283. Yeah? Well, my mom has this concierge doc she could send,

284. but calling her means I'd have to decide

285. which internship I want.

286. Well, I could stick around and talk it through with you.

287. I was also kinda hoping to get some help from Chuck

288. on something anyway.

289. Hey, I'm gonna call a doctor,

290. have him check out your bruises, okay?

291. Excellent.

292. Listen, I'll just, uh, call you

293. when the doctor leaves. How about that?

294. All right.

295. Well, what do you say to a little shopping

296. for all your pre-wedding events?

297. Yes. I was thinking Wu for my welcome parade...

298. short but regal.

299. And Alaia would put Charlene and her swimmer's body

300. to shame at Albert's ball.

301. Hmm. Those will never do.

302. Why? They only use children to sew the beading.

303. You cannot have bare shoulders, exposed knees,

304. anything form-fitting.

305. Too much skin borders on Bruni.

306. I-I-I don't understand. How am I to become an icon of...

307. Style and taste if I can only wear a burka?

308. I'm sorry. The dress code is mandated.

309. So you get Balmain, and I get to be Barbara Bush.

310. How is this possible?

311. It's one of the many perks of being

312. the non-reigning sibling.

313. I'm surprised to hear you say that.

314. I read the interview you did for "The Guardian"

315. when Louis gave up his seat for me,

316. and you seemed more than eager to step into that role.

317. I admit I've always wished for my mother

318. to realize she had two capable children.

319. But those few days

320. with the world watching my every move

321. were too much.

322. You, however, are much better suited

323. for the pressures of royal service than I.

324. Shall we have a snack?

325. Ohh. Actually, I need to find a restroom.

326. I'm not sure there's enough closet space.

327. You're kidding, right?

328. I didn't think it was possible

329. for anyone to need more closets than I do.

330. I mean, you have a whole room for your shoes alone.

331. Yeah. But, you know, the... the beach traffic

332. can get really bad,

333. and that might depress me even more

334. than my crazy roommate, so... maybe I should...

335. Just stay where I am.

336. So you're gonna give this place up because of traffic?

337. Where in L.A. is Carmeggedon not an issue?

338. I already have other interest.

339. If you want it, you're gonna need to move quickly.

340. Oh, I can give you a down payment right now.

341. Except I forgot my checkbook.

342. But you have yours. I-I saw it when your purse fell.

343. Yeah. But, you know, I don't think I have enough

344. to cover two months' rent.

345. Unless you bought the Maldives without telling me,

346. you should have plenty.

347. Or is this your way of telling me

348. that you don't wanna live with me?

349. Of course not.

350. All I have is an out-of-state check.

351. No problem. Just put your local contact information

352. in the memo.

353. See? I told you this would work out.

354. You understand fractured ribs

355. aren't something to mess around with.

356. You could end up puncturing a lung.

357. I told you, they don't hurt.

358. I have a hard time believing

359. anyone has that high a threshold for pain.

360. Yeah, well, he's probably just self-medicating.

361. You should see his medicine cabinet.

362. Some of that stuff's not even legal in Mexico.

363. No, I was just... I was just kidding.

364. He claimed he couldn't feel my touching his ribs

365. during the exam.

366. If he's taking that many drugs,

367. someone needs to keep an eye on him

368. to make sure he doesn't take any more

369. or do anything other than rest.

370. His injuries are bordering on dangerous.

371. I'll take care of it.

372. Thank you.

373. I wish we'd stopped at Saint Honoré.

374. Doesn't shopping leave you famished?

375. Well, perhaps buying one lipstick

376. doesn't build up the same appetite.

377. Lucky you can eat at your feast.

378. I'm sorry. Too much coffee.

379. Give the virgin my regards.

380. I'll show you to door.

381. And by door, I mean elevator.

382. Over there.

383. I think it's fairly obvious.

384. Our future princess has developed a drug problem.

385. What? No.

386. Uh, Miss Blair too much control freak

387. to use mind alter substance, even to help mood swing.

388. I admire your loyalty,

389. but no one uses les toilettes so often

390. unless they have something to hide.

391. Louis deserves to know what it is.

392. I swear, Miss Blair just...

393. Have sensitive stomach.

394. Of course.

395. I knew I recognized that faint acrid smell

396. from boarding school.

397. The pale skin. Not eating in public.

398. Blair's obviously bulimic.

399. Yes.

400. No. I...

401. I mean, not... not anymore.

402. Only teenage habit of using restroom die hard.

403. But Miss Blair digest everything now.

404. I go make... tuna melts for both of you.

405. Louis? We need to speak right away.

406. Hey!

407. What are you doing in New York, at my house?

408. Leaving, by the look of it.

409. Whoa, were you trying to find me?

410. Oh, this is fantastic.

411. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you either.

412. Can't believe you actually tracked me down.

413. Oh, that is borderline adorable,

414. but I wasn't here to see you.

415. As of recently, I own "The New York Spectator,"

416. and I wanted to interview your mother

417. for my inaugural article

418. on the disgraced wives of dirty businessmen,

419. but she not-so-politely declined.

420. Okay, wait, even if this is a coincidence,

421. it's a pretty damn good one.

422. All right? I was here just to discuss job offers with my mom,

423. but I would much rather take you out.

424. Oh, we had fun, Nate,

425. but I need more than just stamina to keep me interested.

426. Nice seeing ya.

427. Whoa, whoa, wait.

428. Will you at least tell me your name?

429. What's so important it couldn't wait

430. until our 7-hour flight tonight?

431. Your fiancee is bulimic.

432. Is that all?

433. Bulimia is a serious disease.

434. Blair told me all about her teenage struggles.

435. It's in her past.

436. Past hour. She's not well, Louis.

437. Or she needs an escape from a shopping trip full of rules.

438. She told me about that, too.

439. I was just trying to prepare her for the pressures of your life.

440. The stress will be the worst thing

441. for her condition,

442. all so you can claim a title we both know

443. you don't even care about.

444. You know I'll do whatever I have to

445. to ensure Blair's well-being.

446. But believe me, she's doing great.

447. There's nothing to worry about.

448. You never did understand la psychologie des femmes.

449. I guess I will just have to prove it to you.

450. Go ahead.

451. I will prove you wrong.

452. Hi. Yes. This is Charlie Rhodes from earlier.

453. Turns out that Serena and I have changed our minds

454. about the apartment, so if it's okay with you,

455. I'd like to come back and get my check.

456. Miss Rhodes, your check was invalid.

457. The bank told me it was no good.

458. I'm sorry?

459. I gave it back to Miss Van Der Woodsen

460. when she brought me a new one.

461. Maybe you should speak to her about this.

462. Saltines only thing I eat for months with Ana.

463. Well, that was not the same.

464. Your people are bred to work through these conditions

465. and give birth in a field.

466. No fields in Krakow.

467. And I have birthing suite at Lenox Hill.

468. Well, I am too exhausted

469. to even reprimand your insubordination.

470. At least she and Prince Louis gone.

471. You have time to figure out...

472. don't even let the word leave your lips.

473. You never know who could be lurking.

474. Blair?

475. Louis.

476. Darling.

477. Ah, I was just about to take a nap

478. because I was so exhausted from that shopping trip.

479. So romantic of you to come and say a final good-bye.

480. Beatrice didn't want you to miss your first Monegasque holiday.

481. And that is so kind.

482. I'm sure the virgin will understand

483. that I'm too busy to be away.

484. Which is why I had our priest arrange to celebrate here

485. in New York.

486. He's already spoken to the local church.

487. I hope you're hungry.

488. It's called the feast for a very good reason.

489. Let's hope B's first feast of assumption

490. doesn't end in damnation.

491. Back again? What don't you get?

492. Unlike Serena, when I rejected you, I meant it.

493. Nate asked me to keep an eye on you while he was out.

494. And while I'm here, I was wondering

495. if you could help me with something.

496. The answer is no.

497. And what did you do when the doctor said

498. you're not supposed to go out?

499. Well, if you're willing to fight me over it,

500. we could strike a deal.

501. Well, that kinda defeats the purpose of making sure

502. you don't get hurt.

503. There isn't a chance in hell you could hurt me.

504. Chuck, I know you saw the blast

505. about Blair and Louis going to the event tonight.

506. It's not worth puncturing a lung to get her attention.

507. Blair's attention is the last thing on my mind.

508. Come on, man. You do something dangerous.

509. "Gossip Girl" reports it. Blair comes to your rescue.

510. Some might call that a pattern.

511. Humphrey, you know nothing about our situation.

512. Well, I do know that Blair is over you.

513. You weren't even the last one to kiss her before Louis. I was.

514. While her lips may have brushed yours,

515. the last person she was with before she left was me.

516. I'm referring to full carnal knowledge.

517. A kiss is just a kiss.

518. That hurt? Wish I could feel it.

519. Poor lonely boy,

520. even on the outer boroughs of love.

521. Excuse me, ma'am,

522. I think you were fired from this establishment.

523. I want to go to Portland.

524. If this is about your audition,

525. you can't let one bad experience make you give up on your dreams.

526. My dreams will never come true if we stay here,

527. but yours could if we leave.

528. I thought about it, and you were right.

529. Let's go before we're forced to leave.

530. Okay, if you're sure.

531. I'll tell the manager when she gets back from break.

532. Hey, this is gonna be good.

533. I can feel it. We'll be like Bonnie and Clyde.

534. Without the killing and robbing and car chases.

535. I'm gonna go home and pack.

536. Okay.

537. I must have gained 10 pounds last year.

538. It's so delicious.

539. Louis.

540. Mon père.

541. I am sorry we missed you at Cap d'Antibes this summer.

542. Well, your missionary work is more important.

543. Blair, this is Father Cavalia, the man who will marry us.

544. Bonjour.

545. How wonderful. Well, I'm so sorry

546. you can't be in your own church on this devout day.

547. Perhaps if you got on the plane right now, you could make it?

548. Don't be silly.

549. This way, I have a chance to get to know you

550. away from all my duties.

551. Did you enjoy a religious upbringing, Miss Waldorf?

552. My family's of mixed faith,

553. but I've always appreciated a confessional.

554. In fact, I'm gonna go find one right now.

555. As you know, the confessionnal is not available

556. during a celebration.

557. Ah. Génial.

558. Have you ever tried a Barbagiuan?

559. Mmm, my favorite.

560. It's filled with pumpkin and spices

561. and butter.

562. Mmm, mmm.

563. It's delicious.

564. - Alors, je vous laisse, à plus tard. - À plus tard.

565. I can't help it. I love those.

566. Je vous salue, Marie.

567. Surely the virgin mother can show mercy

568. to those on earth still suffering

569. while she rises to heaven.

570. I-if you'll excuse me,

571. I see a lost soul in need of guidance.

572. Thank you. I will never question

573. the paternity of your child again.

574. I told you. She can't even keep down one bite of Barbagiuan.

575. You're starting to sound like mother.

576. But unlike her, who doesn't care about anyone but herself,

577. I'm trying to save your fiancée. Why aren't you?

578. Blair, hey, listen, I know you don't wanna see me right now,

579. probably not ever, but I'm not here to cause problems.

580. I can't say the same about Chuck. Have you seen him?

581. Walk with me.

582. Well, thanks for coming back, Diana Payne.

583. Ah, you found the card I left for your mother.

584. Please tell me it was her who texted me

585. to come back here and not you.

586. Oh, she's right inside.

587. So why are we out here?

588. Her text said she'd relented and agreed to talk to me

589. for my "Spectator" article.

590. She did. There are just a few final details

591. that need to be worked out first.

592. I know. She has a concern

593. that I'm turning the "Spectator" into a tabloid,

594. but I'm very happy to give her story approval.

595. Wait, wait, wait. What about me?

596. I mean, I am the one who convinced her, after all.

597. I mean, don't you think

598. there should be some sort of, you know, finder's fee?

599. Are you trying to trade

600. my interview with your mother for sex?

601. Well, I would've called it a date, but yeah, basically.

602. How do I know your mother's really inside?

603. Well, you can watch me open the door

604. and tell her that we'll be back in an hour.

605. What makes you think we need that long?

606. Stamina.

607. Serena.

608. What are you doing here?

609. I got your address off the check that the realtor gave me.

610. I'm sorry. I...

611. Was a flake and forgot to look at my balance.

612. Okay, but you can just stop. I know what really happened.

613. Out. The princess needs privacy.

614. My security detail will escort any of you

615. who are not willing to go out on your own.

616. Security detail?

617. What's going on? Blair, I thought you were mad at me.

618. And you have my forgiveness

619. if you shut up and guard the door.

620. It's not like you to forgive me

621. or run away from a feast.

622. Might this have something to do with you sleeping with Chuck?

623. How in the world did you know that? Forget it.

624. I don't even have time to care.

625. What don't you understand about "guard the door"?

626. I can't believe that I thought you changed last year,

627. and since you didn't, Chuck is now going off the deep end

628. trying to get your attention again.

629. No, now that's where you're wrong.

630. Whatever he's doing isn't about me.

631. He was the one who told me to marry Louis,

632. and he meant it.

633. Now you're gonna be sorry you didn't guard.

634. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you gonna go with me in here?

635. I'm not sure our friendship can handle that.

636. "Friendship" is a tenuous term.

637. Now be a gentleman and... run the water.

638. Uh, I'm sorry. You're gonna have to leave.

639. The Princess is getting sick.

640. Of course she is. I'll bring her fiancé right away.

641. I forgive you. Are you happy?

642. No. I'm worried.

643. Are you bulimic again?

644. No!

645. I was just sick of listening to your inane questions.

646. Now I need to say a prayer for tolerance

647. and get out there.

648. Eating disorders can return when people are stressed.

649. Clearly, Chuck is not the only one freaking out here.

650. The only thing freaking me out

651. is that Louis' sister might notice I'm gone

652. and get suspicious.

653. Why would you worry about her being suspicious

654. if you weren't bulimic?

655. Blair, this isn't a joke. We are not leaving this room

656. until you agree to get help.

657. I don't need help.

658. I'm not bulimic. I'm pregnant.

659. While one mother's life leads her to heaven,

660. another's is going straight to hell

661. in a Moses basket.

662. Beatrice?

663. You have to understand.

664. It's still so early.

665. I didn't wanna get Louis' hopes up

666. if things weren't okay. I was gonna tell him.

667. What were you going to tell me?

668. About her wonderful idea, Louis.

669. I have so many.

670. You know, the one

671. about inviting the homeless into our meal.

672. To dine with us?

673. You're too modest.

674. I was telling Blair about our missionary work,

675. and she suggested we share our meal

676. with those less fortunate. I think it's wonderful.

677. Of course.

678. Yes, not to have them eat with us

679. but to serve them the food,

680. like in a soup kitchen, with gloves on.

681. It's a wonderful idea.

682. Spotted... Chuck on the wrong side of town.

683. Looks like Bassman doesn't have enough of a dark side.

684. He has to take a walk on one, too.

685. Um... I should go.

686. You promise you won't say anything?

687. Yes, but you can't hide this forever.

688. I think you were right about her, Louis.

689. She'll make a perfect princess.

690. And... you the perfect sister-in-law.

691. You know, I swear, I just took that checkbook

692. in case of an emergency.

693. I didn't wanna use it.

694. Well, why not? It belongs to you.

695. It does?

696. Yeah, your mom can't cut you off just because you leave Florida.

697. That's not fair. I was actually gonna call her,

698. but I was waiting till you got back.

699. I don't wanna involve her.

700. I'm the one who told her I wanted to make it on my own.

701. Besides, if she knows where I am,

702. then she's just gonna try to make me come back.

703. That's true.

704. But you can't live... here.

705. You have to come live with me.

706. I'd love to, but I can't afford it.

707. You can once grandma calls the bank and makes it impossible

708. for your mom to cut you off again.

709. I don't think that that's such a good idea.

710. I don't wanna make her any more mad.

711. Well, she'll never find out. Look, I explained to Cece

712. how bad being around your mom is for you,

713. and she doesn't wanna deal with Carol's wrath either,

714. so she won't tell.

715. I don't know what to say.

716. I can't believe that you would do this for me.

717. You can show your gratitude by packing.

718. I have to go meet my boss,

719. but I'll come pick you up after.

720. We Rhodes girls need to stick together.

721. Get him up!

722. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Again?

723. Guys, come on. You can't...

724. Hey! I'm not part of his payment plan.

725. Sorry. Mr. Bass said

726. nothing should stop us except his safe word.

727. This is serious. He could die.

728. "Though this be madness, yet there is some method in't."

729. Guess that wasn't the safe word.

730. Chuck. Chuck, tell 'em to stop.

731. Okay. Fine. Stop.

732. Let's go.

733. "Stop"? Really? That's it?

734. I wasn't trying to kill myself.

735. Then what the hell were you doing?

736. I was hoping it would hurt.

737. What, to—to dull the pain of losing Blair?

738. That's what you don't understand.

739. I feel nothing when I see her and Louis

740. or when I jump off a building

741. or when I crash a motorcycle.

742. Even you don't irritate me.

743. Well, having these guys beat you up

744. is not the way to try to feel something.

745. You... you could have died.

746. Is being dead that much worse than being nothing?

747. I still don't know how you got your mother to agree

748. after she slammed the door in my face.

749. I just told her

750. it was her chance to tell her side of the story

751. and move on with her life.

752. And that it made her seem classier than Ruth Madoff.

753. Clever. That's all it took?

754. Well, I had to let her decide on my internship...

755. Goldman or Schumer.

756. Why do either?

757. Well, like I said in L.A, I need to figure out my future,

758. and, you know, both are great options

759. other people would kill for.

760. How about working for me instead?

761. I'm not a journalist.

762. I'm not looking for you to be one.

763. The newspaper is just the cornerstone

764. of what I hope is gonna be a new media empire.

765. Someone with your persuasive skills

766. could be great at sales or marketing.

767. Once you know how to control information,

768. you can do anything with it... politics, banking, whatever.

769. While that sounds great,

770. I would have to get my family to approve me

771. pulling out of this other thing.

772. Well, just remind them what "George" did for J.F.K. Jr.

773. See you at the office next week.

774. Watch out, Nate.

775. Looks like sex play may not be the only game you're a pawn in.

776. So it looks like something called a conversion disorder.

777. People become blind, paralyzed, or unable to feel

778. after experiencing a psychological trauma,

779. I.E., Blair leaving you forever.

780. It's a little like P.T.S.D.

781. If you say so.

782. You should see someone.

783. Treatment involves trying to make the patient feel again.

784. That's what I was doing before you showed up.

785. Well, how about instead of pain, you try to feel good things?

786. I could tickle you.

787. I'd rather hire someone else to do that,

788. thank you, but it wouldn't work either.

789. Why don't we discuss why you needed my help before instead?

790. Um... I wrote a novel.

791. It was something I was working on for a while.

792. No one was supposed to see it, but then Vanessa found it

793. and sent it to a publisher, so I need to find out which one

794. so I can, uh, I can stop it from coming out.

795. Forgive me for stating the obvious,

796. but isn't being published a writer's goal?

797. Not for this book. It's... it's a scathing social satire

798. about everyone I know, including you.

799. Return of Charlie Trout.

800. Hmm. I need to get into Vanessa's bank account

801. so I can see who's making the deposits

802. before anyone sees what I wrote.

803. Well, just because I can't feel anything

804. shouldn't mean everyone else has to endure a humiliation.

805. I'll help you.

806. Hi.

807. So Jason said we could crash with him and his roommates

808. until we find our own place.

809. Max...

810. What's going on?

811. I don't think I can go.

812. What are you talking about? It'll be great.

813. I even got us onion-flavored snacks for the road.

814. And these things.

815. What changed?

816. Remember what you said.

817. This isn't giving up on our dreams.

818. It's just making them happen in a different place.

819. I'm sorry.

820. I just realized that

821. what's making me unhappy in L.A. isn't L.A.

822. It's you.

823. Where is this coming from? I love you.

824. I'm sorry. I wish I could explain better,

825. but I can't.

826. Just... be happy

827. and... know that I never meant to hurt you.

828. How well do any of us really know each other?

829. Even families have their secrets.

830. We were so close. I could even see my mother's face

831. as Louis gave away his title because his fiancée was bulimic.

832. She would have never forgiven him.

833. It would have been perfect.

834. Why not just tell her Blair's pregnant?

835. Please. Nothing would make her happier

836. than a grandchild by Golden boy.

837. I just have to find another way to get Louis

838. out of Monaco for good so my mother will finally see

839. I was the right choice all along.

840. Vengeance becomes you.

841. Thank you.

842. So how did your crazy roommate take it?

843. It wasn't easy, but he'll be fine.

844. Well, maybe you should get further from him

845. than just Santa Monica.

846. I'm sure it's okay.

847. Unless you found us a different apartment.

848. Mm, how about one on the Upper East Side?

849. What are you talking about?

850. Well, turns out my boss was only in L.A. for the movie.

851. So my meeting was about transferring her back

852. to her New York office, and I want you to come with me.

853. Last time didn't work out so well.

854. Well, this time, you won't have your mom to worry about,

855. and you'll have your trust fund and your family.

856. Cece wants us to stay with her in Montecito until we leave,

857. and her house is huge.

858. You would love it. Please. All you have to do is say yes.

859. Why not?

860. I think I'm done here.

861. They say blood is thicker than water.

862. But it's also a lot harder to clean up when it spills.

863. If I'd known any better,

864. I'd think you're starting to like Brooklyn.

865. It isn't Brooklyn I'm here for.

866. You're the only person I can have

867. a furtive, emotionally loaded conversation with right now.

868. How's Chuck?

869. Uh, he's... okay. Sort of. Long Freudian story.

870. How are you?

871. Pregnant.

872. That makes it sound more real.

873. I had hoped denial would last longer as a coping mechanism,

874. but breast tenderness and morning sickness

875. made that impossible.

876. You know, you do have options.

877. And I've considered them all,

878. but no matter what, this baby was conceived out of love,

879. and... I'm gonna keep it.

880. Have you not told Louis because it might be Chuck's?

881. I only slept with him once.

882. I slept with Louis a hundred times.

883. He may be mild-mannered, but he's surprisingly virile.

884. So by the sheer law of probability,

885. it must be his.

886. Well, except the definition of "probability"

887. is "strong likelihood" not, uh, "known fact"

888. haven't you read "The Power of Positive Thinking"?

889. Put your giant intellect aside and just focus with me

890. on wish fulfillment.

891. This is not that kind of situation.

892. Even Blair Waldorf cannot bend D.N.A. to her will.

893. I am about to marry a fabulous man...

894. Who happens to be a prince.

895. I can't be this close to having all my dreams come true

896. only to have them yanked away by one transgression

897. at a stranger's Bar Mitzvah.

898. Look, I know it's scary,

899. but I think you should know who the father is,

900. if not for yourself, then for the baby.

901. And what if I lose everything?

902. You'll still have me.

903. Maybe it's not blood bonds that make us a family.

904. Perhaps it's the people who know our secrets

905. and love us anyway, so we can finally be ourselves.

906. X.O.X.O. Gossip Girl.