Gossip Girl 5x17

1. Gossip Girl here, your one and only source

2. into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite.

3. You shouldn't have sent that video in to Gossip Girl.

4. I didn't do it.

5. If you didn't do it and I didn't

6. 'then who did?'

7. Of course, I love you, Chuck.

8. I've always loved you.

9. Humphrey, you bastard.

10. 'You and your family will quite'

11. literally pay the consequence.

12. 'Or did you forget about the dowry?'

13. If she defaults on the marriage

14. the dowry can be reinstated.

15. You do not have to go with him.

16. It's just a year.

17. It's not that long, right?

18. This is Estee, aka, my royal minder.

19. But I've just been calling her "Creeper" for short.

20. I do have feelings for Dan.

21. I'm sorry.

22. This isn't gonna be easy

23. for me but at least you're being honest.

24. 'I don't wanna get in the way of you and Dan.'

25. I think we need to get her to the hospital.

26. Please stay with me. You're the only person I feel safe with.

27. I won't leave you. I promise.

28. Mother.

29. Charlie, what're you doing here?

30. She's been with Ms. Rhodes for months.

31. She's been such a solace to her.

32. Mom?

33. Why did you introduce this girl as your daughter?

34. - Who is she? - Ivy Dickens.

35. Your mom hired me to be you.

36. You hid an entire family from me for money?

37. I don't really wanna be alone. Can I stay with you?

38. There's nothing we can do.

39. 'You need to go in and say your goodbyes.'

40. Where has she been, Serena?

41. And who am I?

42. That's one secret I'll never tell.

43. You know you love me.

44. Gossip Girl.

45. They say we should carry

46. our secrets to the grave.

47. But on the Upper East Side

48. secrets are the one thing

49. you can never bury.

50. Even when we think

51. we know everything

52. about the ones we love..

53. there's always a skeleton

54. in their walk-in closet.

55. Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.

56. Mrs. Humphrey, in my business

57. there's rarely advance warning.

58. Oh, of course.

59. I just wanted to make sure all of mother's

60. funeral arrangements were perfect.

61. She was very particular, liked things a certain way.

62. Um, would it be possible for us

63. to work with our own florist?

64. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you knew.

65. Your mother provided..

66. very detailed instructions.

67. In fact, if you return home right about now

68. I think you'll discover

69. 'the wake is already underway.'

70. Well, I can hear my mother laughing

71. from beyond the grave.

72. I'm sure she just didn't want to bother you

73. with making all the arrangements.

74. Or she just didn't trust your taste level.

75. Ugh!

76. I'm the other daughter, Carol.

77. Crashing as usual.

78. Well, since you're here you might wanna know..

79. that it seems mother took care of

80. everything in advance.

81. I'd tell you to invite your daughter, the real one

82. not the fake one.

83. But she's not speaking to you.

84. 'Well, if you'll excuse me'

85. I apparently have a wake to host.

86. Aren't you gonna be late for work?

87. Or are you pulling a vanilla sky

88. and hiding your hideous disfigurement

89. from your global publishing empire?

90. But I thought you found my lacrosse injury sexy.

91. No?

92. Besides I figured we could spend

93. the day together and catch up.

94. Uh-oh, no, no, don't give me that

95. let's-talk-about our-feelings face.

96. What, this is normal face, okay?

97. No, I'm worried about you, in the past 72 hours

98. you found out that you have this entire secret family.

99. Yeah and my mom hired an actress I know, to play me.

100. I'm aware.

101. Then why haven't you said a word about it?

102. I may not have known about the Van Der Woodsen's

103. for the last 19 years but they sure knew about me.

104. And they didn't care so that pretty much tells me

105. everything I need to know about your fancy friends

106. from the Upper East Side.

107. Buy a girl some breakfast?

108. Alright. Two minutes.

109. Get dressed. I'll make coffee.

110. Hey, how are you holding up?

111. Oh, well, the past few days

112. have been tough on everyone

113. but I-I have a question, are you with Lola?

114. 'She hasn't been answering any of my calls or texts.'

115. Uh, yeah, she is

116. not really that interested in being a Rhodes right now.

117. 'Well, trust me, I know what it's like to want distance'

118. 'from your family more than anyone.'

119. But I thought maybe with Cece's death

120. she'd make an exception.

121. Well, I'm not so sure.

122. The entire Van Der Woodsen clan

123. on a good day can be pretty overwhelming.

124. Well, I have an idea, maybe

125. you know, maybe she can just dip her toes in the water

126. with just me. I'm at my mom's right now.

127. No one else is here, they'll be at the funeral home

128. for a while. Maybe the three of us can meet up?

129. I mean, I'll ask her. I just can't promise you anything.

130. Thank you, Nate.

131. Coffee. Top drawer.

132. It relaxes me to watch Anita dust.

133. I did not need to know that.

134. What's got you in such a good mood?

135. I recently found out..

136. who actually sent Gossip Girl

137. the now infamous video

138. of me and Blair at the royal wedding.

139. - That Hump, Humphrey. - What! Dan?

140. He was only too happy to let Serena and me take the fall

141. so he could worm his way into Blair's broken heart.

142. Unfortunately for him

143. once she finds out the truth

144. his chances with her will be destroyed.

145. - And she will be mine again. - I don't know, Chuck.

146. Are you sure you wanna start World War Waldorf right now?

147. Why wouldn't I?

148. Because you and I both know that nothing can actually happen

149. between Dan and Blair for at least a year.

150. So a lot can change in 12 months.

151. Take the high road?

152. Grab your coat, I'm kidnapping you

153. and taking you to a bona fide Humphrey brunch.

154. Psst!

155. So for those of us who took Italian

156. what was that all about?

157. That was Cyrus

158. and another attorney at his firm.

159. They think they may have found a loophole in my prenup.

160. - Are you serious? - Yes.

161. Apparently, since we signed it in Monaco

162. but got married in the U.S.--

163. You can contest it.

164. Oh, we can try.

165. Cyrus thinks the Grimaldis may have to grant me

166. an amicable annulment.

167. Meaning that they'd waive my dowry—

168. And you wouldn't have to wait the year for..

169. Anything.

170. When will Cyrus know for sure?

171. Oh, he's supposed to talk to the Grimaldis'

172. royal attorney in an hour.

173. So rain check on that waffle?

174. I should wait here.

175. Hopefully for the last time.

176. No.

177. Delete.

178. Delete.

179. Ew!

180. - What are you doing? - Just trying to help.

181. No, you're not.

182. If you were you wouldn't let me slave in front

183. of this computer all day as Gossip Girl.

184. Well, I thought you said knowing everyone's secrets

185. as Gossip Girl was your dream come true.

186. It was until I realized

187. how much work it is. I mean, look at me.

188. I'm exhausted and aggravated.

189. I have no social life to speak of.

190. I feel like a stay-at-home mom.

191. Oh, honey, don't say that.

192. It's true.

193. I mean all my life I've been the one

194. that they write stories about.

195. Now I'm just another anonymous shut-in

196. with an online shopping addiction.

197. Tell me, what can I do?

198. Well... since you asked..

199. Georgina Sparks needs a recharge.

200. So I've decided to take a mental health day.

201. And I found the perfect event to crash.

202. Cece Rhodes' secret wake.

203. What about Gossip Girl? The site can't go down all day.

204. It won't.

205. That's why I'm leaving you in charge.

206. Don't worry, it's not rocket science.

207. You just take the tips that people send in

208. and post them if they're worthy.

209. Are you sure this is such a good idea?

210. Oh, what's a Van Der Woodsen family event

211. if I'm not there to ruin it?

212. Besides, I already promised a new friend

213. I'd be her plus one.

214. Thank you for coming with me.

215. I know I was invited but, uh, I don't think

216. I could face them all alone.

217. I understand.

218. When everybody at a party hates you

219. who better to bring than someone they hate

220. even more?

221. What are you doing down here, I thought there was

222. a family breakfast this morning?

223. Oh, there's a lot more than that going on upstairs.

224. I just came down to warn my mom. You'll see for yourself.

225. - Is Blair's houseboy up there? - You mean Dan?

226. Is that why you came by? To get intel on him and Blair?

227. Torture him a little?

228. Maybe just a little.

229. Well, he's not here, at least not yet.

230. But, um, here's some intel for you.

231. Blair just texted me that Cyrus may have

232. found a loophole in her prenup.

233. So she may be released sooner than any of us thought.

234. And right into Dan's waiting arms.

235. If you'll excuse me..

236. So what you wanna do for breakfast?

237. Uh, I was thinking Untitled At The Whitney?

238. - Danny Meyer's new place? - Oh!

239. You're trying to score a cool point, aren't you?

240. And since we'll be on Madison anyway..

241. Uh-oh. Here it comes.

242. Well, we'll be walking right by Serena's mom's.

243. Which Serena will be at by herself, I might add..

244. Nate, what part of wanting nothing to do

245. with the Van Der Woodsen's don't you understand?

246. Look, I know how you feel about them

247. but not everything from the Upper East Side

248. is automatically bad.

249. Okay, name one thing that isn't.

250. Me. Come on.

251. Serena's one of my best friends.

252. Okay, you haven't even given her one shot. What's the harm?

253. Alright, but if we stop by you have to promise me

254. that you're never gonna play me like this again, okay?

255. I promise.

256. Mom, you know grandma always

257. did like to do things her own way.

258. I know, I'm just not entirely sure I'm in the mood

259. for the mayflower mausoleum in mother's honor

260. that obviously awaits us upstairs.

261. Oh, my God!

262. It was all here when I got home.

263. There's whiskey and stew.

264. And mother.

265. And those are our mourners' chairs

266. where we will sit and mourn.

267. Because this is an Irish wake.

268. Seems like this wake might end up

269. being the wake-up call you so desperately need.

270. Copy.

271. Paste.

272. Post.

273. Oh, no!

274. Uh..

275. Ooh! Heh!

276. I just can't believe that this was mother's idea.

277. And who are these people? I don't recognize a soul.

278. Well, I guess Cece wanted us to

279. celebrate her life, not mourn her death.

280. So, she didn't invite any of her stodgy socialites.

281. - Just the.. - The help.

282. Uh, th-that-that was her butcher from East Hampton.

283. And her driver.

284. And the fireman that saved her life

285. the night she left the candle burning.

286. Hi.

287. You. What are you doing here?

288. I was invited, by your mother herself.

289. I promised her I'd come.

290. I just came to pay my respects.

291. I won't bother anybody.

292. This is all Carol's fault.

293. Yeah, I'm sure she's hiding here somewhere.

294. You can't let Carol get to you like this.

295. The executor of the estate

296. is supposed to be coming whoever that is.

297. My money's on Elias the gardener.

298. And I'm sure everything'll be explained

299. once they read the will.

300. But whoever it is, they better get here soon.

301. Because I'm not responsible for what I might do.

302. Ugh!

303. So Serena's here alone, huh?

304. I swear I had no idea

305. what we were walking into.

306. Still, this is an epic fail.

307. Yeah, let's just go before someone sees us.

308. Lola.

309. May I have a word?

310. Of course this is happening. What is it, mother?

311. Do you mind telling me..

312. what you're doing here?

313. Oh, yeah, well, let's see, um..

314. This morning while I was in the shower at Nate's

315. Serena, the cousin I just found out about..

316. tricked me in to coming to the wake

317. of the grandmother that I never knew existed

318. at the house of the family that you hid

319. from me for my entire life.

320. Does that sum it up for you enough?

321. I know you blame me for everything.

322. But I only lied to you

323. because we're not safe around these people.

324. They're materialistic monsters.

325. Oh. Says the woman who looted her own daughter's trust fund.

326. That money was for you.

327. You cannot believe a word these people say.

328. Mom, the only person here who's ever lied to me is you.

329. Hey.

330. I know this place is crazy but I'm really glad you came.

331. I was just about to call you.

332. - I know, I screwed up. - Yes, you did.

333. Who knows if anyone will send in another tip ever.

334. 'Luckily for you, I'm in the eye of the hurricane..'

335. so I can watch your mess play out.

336. And if this is my last day as Gossip Girl

337. thanks to you, I'm going out with a bang.

338. Dan, I'm so sorry for your loss.

339. Hey, Dennis.

340. Georgina, I would ask what you're doing here, if I cared

341. which I don't, so..

342. I was just wondering if you had the chance

343. to check "Gossip Girl" recently?

344. No. Why?

345. I know I promised I'd never publicly reveal

346. that little video secret of yours

347. but unfortunately I left Philip in charge.

348. So lesson's learned. Okay, bye.

349. 'Oh! "GG, it's time you told everyone'

350. Dan Humphrey sent in that video on Blair's wedding day."

351. Philip is rich, not bright.

352. I'm sorry. But keep reading.

353. Oh my God, this was, this was sent in by..

354. How dare you?

355. Of all your many, many attempts at sabotage

356. this is by far the most pathetic.

357. Are you so worried that I'll find happiness without you

358. that you feel the need to spread baseless lies

359. at the wake of my best friend's grandmother?

360. While you may be correct about my motives

361. the blast is anything but a lie.

362. You know Serena and I didn't send the video

363. and it certainly wasn't Louis. So who's left?

364. I'm not playing this game.

365. Why don't you tell that to your boyfriend over there?

366. Or even better, ask him the truth.

367. - Blair, please wait. - I have nothing to say to you.

368. - I am so sorry I lied. - You didn't just lie, Humphrey.

369. You let me blame my best friend and my ex

370. for something they didn't do.

371. You embarrassed me in front of 400 guests

372. at my own wedding!

373. You made me the target of tabloids

374. and TSA agents.

375. Not to mention you helped lock the bars

376. of my gilded cage. Am I forgetting anything?

377. I should've told you the truth right away.

378. But I swear I never meant to hurt you.

379. Then what other reason could you have had to send in that video?

380. I spent every day leading up to the wedding listening to you say

381. you had to marry Louis even though you didn't love him.

382. I couldn't stand to see you so unhappy.

383. I only thought it would stop the wedding.

384. I never thought you would leave it with me.

385. Us... fighting like this

386. is exactly what that bassface wanted.

387. But since Cyrus thinks everything

388. will work out with the annulment then—

389. What can I do? Is there anything?

390. Just say the word and I'll—

391. Just shut up, Humphrey.

392. I forgive you. For now.

393. Estee? Ugh. Did you follow me?

394. I thought we weren't meeting till 4:00.

395. Yes, after Cyrus tried to trick

396. the royal attorney into voiding your prenup.

397. I know everything.

398. Uh, follow me.

399. Looks like Blair's annulment just got annulled. Shame.

400. You were so close, too.

401. Let me assure you, your stepfather's plan

402. will never work.

403. You slimy little limey.

404. I do not respond well to threats and neither does Cyrus Rose.

405. - He fought in Nam. - You didn't let me finish.

406. His plan might not work but mine can.

407. We can help each other, you and I.

408. - Go on. - You don't want Louis.

409. That's clear. But I do.

410. The prince and I... we are very close. We grew up together.

411. But my station always prevented me from being a suitable choice

412. for Her Serene Highness at least..

413. - Until I came along. - Precisely.

414. You're a public relations disaster.

415. Next to your Sarah Ferguson swan dive

416. I'm Kate Bloody Middleton.

417. So you think the Grimaldis

418. will welcome Louis' loyal and loving social secretary

419. as replacement?

420. I know Louis would.

421. Sorry.

422. No, no, it's fine.

423. Oddly enough, I just want him to be happy.

424. Then this is worth a shot, isn't it?

425. You have nothing to lose.

426. Make the call.

427. So that's the tour. Thank you for coming by.

428. Or at least letting me trick you into coming by.

429. I assure you Nate had no idea.

430. Well, actually he said we were going to a museum

431. so he wasn't that far off.

432. I know what your mom thinks about us.

433. You know how all we care about is money.

434. And the things it can buy.

435. That couldn't be further from the truth.

436. Family is what's most important to us.

437. And to prove that too I have two people

438. who're gonna be so excited to see you.

439. You told me mother sold the Limoges.

440. And don't think I didn't notice

441. her Georg Jensen service here, either.

442. Tell Laryssa to count the silver right away.

443. I really appreciate everything you're trying to do.

444. But I'm... I'm just not a part of this world

445. and I don't really think I want to be either, so..

446. Just tell Nate I had to go.

447. Oh, Lola.

448. I wasn't expecting to see you here.

449. Why?

450. Even if I don't wanna be here

451. I have more of a reason than you do.

452. Look, I know this sounds ridiculous

453. but the Van Der Woodsen's are the closest thing

454. I have to an actual family.

455. - Even though they hate me. - Yeah.

456. I have the opposite problem.

457. Maybe my mother really was trying to protect me.

458. By stealing all your money?

459. Ladies, on the Upper East Side

460. money is never the real story.

461. It's usually just the X that marks the spot

462. for what's buried beneath it.

463. If I were you two, I'd start digging.

464. What do you mean?

465. I know it's hard for you but stop and think.

466. Money doesn't explain why you hide your daughter

467. for 18 years unless she was being paid to do so.

468. And judging by her clothes and hair, I'd say that isn't so.

469. You think there's something else going on? How do I find out?

470. Um-hm, well, nobody here's going to tell you.

471. You have to find someone from the outside.

472. Somebody who isn't afraid of them.

473. Somebody like..

474. Dad.

475. Looks like there's a doctor in the house..

476. who's about to get a taste of his own medicine.

477. I'm so happy you're here.

478. It would've meant so much to grandma.

479. I wouldn't miss this for the world.

480. I'm just sorry that Eric couldn't make it

481. back from Zaire.

482. I think they call that the

483. Democratic Republic of Congo now.

484. They do but

485. trust me, it's not,

486. Charlie, good to see you again.

487. Oh, you're a little late to the party, doctor.

488. That isn't your niece. But this is.

489. Sorry?

490. What are you even doing here?

491. Come on. Let's go say hi to mom.

492. Daddy V D Dubs has known the Rhodes sisters

493. since high school.

494. I bet he has a secret or two he'd be willing to share.

495. If you ask nicely.

496. Hey. Serena said you left.

497. - But here you are with Ivy. - Hi, Nate.

498. I don't know why you're here but you should probably leave

499. since Lola and I were just walking—

500. You know I'm gonna stay. And so is she.

501. We're gonna get to the bottom of why my mom really kept me away

502. all these years, so, um, if you don't mind..

503. - Well? - He agreed.

504. I need to be on the next plane back.

505. I'm to be amongst the royal court tomorrow

506. when the prince breaks the news in a press conference

507. about how it became clear you were only ever after his title.

508. But I..

509. Okay, okay, what else?

510. Then the royal family's publicist

511. will start to build me up.

512. The woman who's watched from the wings for decades.

513. Okay, enough about you, more about me.

514. Her Serene Highness and the prince

515. are only willing to annul the marriage

516. if you agree to a gag order

517. on all matters regarding the dissolution.

518. They can be the only ones to speak about it publicly.

519. Do you understand what that means?

520. Well, I'll do whatever they say as long as it gets me

521. out of this marriage.

522. A press blackout is a small price

523. to pay to get my life back.

524. That includes no more blind items

525. on page six or posts on "Gossip Girl."

526. Princess Sophie was very clear

527. if you don't adhere to the deal they'll make you pay.

528. Do whatever you want in your private life

529. just keep it private. Good luck.

530. I'm glad we can both get what we want.

531. And please assure the royals when you see them that

532. they won't hear a peep from me.

533. Beer me.

534. Perhaps you'd prefer something a little stronger?

535. - Less green. - What are you so relaxed about?

536. We both know that Gossip Girl's latest hiccup

537. makes you look even worse in Blair's eyes.

538. Maybe today.

539. But at least she knows Dan isn't the good guy he pretends to be.

540. In time, that will sink in.

541. She's not getting out of this royal mess any time soon.

542. Oh, but she just did.

543. That royal minder lady brokered the deal herself.

544. Although the hint of a new scandal..

545. could probably derail it if you act fast enough.

546. Blair will come to her senses.

547. What if she doesn't?

548. What if you spend the rest of your days wondering

549. why you didn't try and stop her

550. from falling into the flannelled arms

551. of that pretentious poser?

552. Anywho something to think about.

553. What do you have in mind?

554. Remember when I showed you this?

555. How can I trust Gossip Girl wouldn't leave my fingerprints

556. on another blast?

557. You can't which is why we use her latest screw-up

558. to our advantage and leave somebody else's instead.

559. Oh, look, Dan's phone.

560. It must have fallen out of his coat and into my purse.

561. I'm sorry, Carol, but I'm gonna have to ask you

562. to let me search your bag.

563. Laryssa saw you pocket—

564. Lily, this is beneath even you.

565. I see some things never change.

566. A maid accusing my ex-sister-in-law of stealing.

567. William, what a lovely surprise.

568. Doesn't dad look great?

569. - And how are you, Carol? - Under surveillance.

570. Lily has been shadowing me all afternoon.

571. That's because I knew you'd try to steal something.

572. and apparently you did.

573. Do you see what I have to deal with while

574. my own mother lies right here?

575. Alright, Carol, I've had enough.

576. I want you out of my apartment this minute.

577. Technically, it's Cece's apartment.

578. - What are you talking about? - This is our home.

579. Only because your mother bought it for us. Remember?

580. For tax purposes, of course.

581. But now it's part of the estate.

582. William, thank you again for coming.

583. 'And I would appreciate it if you'd leave the settling of'

584. mother's affairs to the executor of her estate.

585. That's exactly what I'm doing.

586. I am her executor.

587. And I brought her will.

588. Ladies, I know this must come as a shock

589. but as you well know your mother and I

590. had a long and enduring friendship.

591. It's just of all the people for Cece to pick

592. I find it curious that she chooses the father

593. of Lily's children.

594. Well, she couldn't very well have asked the father of yours.

595. There aren't enough DNA tests in Dade County to find him.

596. I think I'll let you two blow off some steam.

597. - If you'll excuse me. - Hmm.

598. Hi, again. I'm Lola, Carol's daughter.

599. - The real one. - What can I do for you?

600. Well, I just recently found out

601. that I'm a part of this family and

602. I was wondering why I was never allowed to know.

603. So, I thought, you know, you've known my mom longer

604. than anyone aside from Lily—

605. - Excuse me. - Mom, do you mind?

606. Yes, actually, I do.

607. You'll let me know when you need me, won't you, William?

608. Ms. Blair, I'm so sorry.

609. But Ms. Estee Jedi mind tricked me

610. into telling her you at wake.

611. Too many secrets lately I-I feel like

612. tinker tailor soldier spy.

613. No, It's fine. I'm glad Estee found me.

614. Everything's gonna work out perfectly now.

615. That's not what Mr. Cyrus say.

616. He's been trying to call you for last hour.

617. - Why you no answer phone? - I put it on silent.

618. I'm at a wake and you can tell Cyrus

619. he doesn't need to worry. I took care of the annulment myself.

620. Then why Grimaldis just call him and ask for all the money now?

621. Well, they agreed to waive the dowry as long as

622. I completely stayed out of the press.

623. Maybe Princess Sophie read "Gossip Girl" again then?

624. '"Please post ASAP, Dan."'

625. "I, Celia Catherine Rhodes

626. "of Montecito, California

627. "being of sound mind and body

628. "do hereby declare this to be

629. "my last will and testament.

630. '"First, I leave my two Andalusian thoroughbreds'

631. '"Rickey and Reggie Rhodes to the valley ranch stables.'

632. Second, I leave my Faberge egg collection—"

633. Hey, dad, wait a second, sorry, I just..

634. I don't want her here for this.

635. - Is she bothering you? - She's a con artist, William.

636. And not a very good one.

637. Nevertheless, your mother invited her to be here so..

638. I would like everybody to respect Cece's wishes, okay?

639. - Please. - Ahem.

640. Now, if there are no more interruptions..

641. I think you dropped something.

642. Where did you?

643. Are you insane?

644. Blair's gonna think I actually sent this picture

645. to Gossip Girl.

646. Duh. That was the point.

647. We had a deal, Georgina, you promised to protect me

648. if I didn't tell anyone you were Gossip Girl.

649. Mm-hm. I sold you out, so start talking.

650. Look, I had fun being Gossip Girl

651. but I'm kind of over it.

652. I'm just glad that the final blast was my masterpiece.

653. I'm sorry if it ruins your life.

654. Not just mine. It's Blair's, the Waldorfs.

655. Oh, I know. What a mess.

656. It's like I just took down the entire Upper East Side.

657. Oh, here comes the bulls-eye.

658. You Brooklyn Benedict Arnold. I can't believe you.

659. It was Georgina. She's Gossip Girl.

660. Oh, you will really say anything, won't you?

661. Oh, no, that part's true.

662. Well, half true, I hacked into GG's website a few months ago

663. when she obviously skipped town and none of you noticed.

664. And honestly, guys, the experience has been

665. wonderful but it's just as well it's over—

666. Okay, just.. Could you tell her the important part?

667. - I didn't do this. - How does it feel to be set up?

668. To lose the person you love for something you didn't do?

669. Estee, please there must be a way

670. to still salvage our deal with the Grimaldis.

671. There might be if there ever was a deal.

672. I'm sorry?

673. Oh, the deal thing?

674. Estee made it all up. With my help, of course.

675. I knew once Chuck heard you were free again

676. he'd do something foolish.

677. Of course, even I didn't think

678. it would happen this fast.

679. Anyway, I must get back to Monaco.

680. I have a prince to console.

681. - Cheers. - Uhm.

682. Standing ovation? Why, thank you!

683. Oh, my God. I was just bitch-slapped by Bridget Jones.

684. You don't realize what you've done.

685. Yes, I do, I've brought to light the real villain

686. and let me give you a hint it's not me.

687. You bankrupted the Waldorf family.

688. That's what paying this dowry is gonna do to them.

689. It was that much?

690. No.

691. You left me no choice.

692. It would be one thing losing Blair

693. because she doesn't wanna be with me but I only lost her

694. because of something you did.

695. Were you ever really my friend or was it all just an act

696. so you could keep me in check until you got what you wanted?

697. Chuck, that is not how any of it happened and you know it.

698. You framed me.

699. And in my book, that makes you the bad guy, not me.

700. What's going on?

701. Ever since the accident..

702. Dan has been trying to keep us apart

703. so he can have you all to himself.

704. Be honest, for once in your life.

705. Tell her the truth. She deserves that.

706. He's absolutely right.

707. I'm sorry.

708. "Eleven, I leave my collection of early British watercolors

709. to my youngest daughter, Lily."

710. I'm sensing a pattern here.

711. Oh, frankly, Carol, I'm surprised it took you this long

712. to realize what mother really thought of you.

713. - Oh, come on, mom— - No!

714. She knew that she was a greedy, spoiled—

715. Excuse me, Lily.

716. I'm not the one who's been married five times.

717. 'Ladies.'

718. - Most of which was for money. - Excuse me.

719. But at least I didn't try to embezzle

720. my own daughter's trust fund

721. so I could go shopping at Lululemon.

722. The truth is the only reason mother left you those trinkets

723. is because you pretended to love her

724. and she pretended to love you.

725. At least we had an honest relationship.

726. - William, I can't hear a thing. - "I leave to you."

727. You-you mean Charlotte Rhodes, my daughter.

728. This is not the real Charlie Rhodes. Lola is.

729. No, I'm afraid not, Carol.

730. It says... it says so right here.

731. Ivy Dickens.

732. You're never gonna get away with this.

733. - Let's call the police. - Oh, please, wait.

734. Look, I never asked Cece for anything.

735. Oh, no, instead you poisoned her against

736. her entire family and manipulated her

737. in to giving you everything.

738. That's not true.

739. Your grandmother just wanted someone to talk to.

740. Oh, please, you don't think we can see through all your lies?

741. You were a terrible actress when we first met, and you still are.

742. - Mom. - I swear on my life.

743. All I ever did was help take care of her.

744. I even tried to tell you that she was sick.

745. - Oh! - Oh! But conveniently failed.

746. Look, will you please shut up? Forget about the money.

747. That's easy for you to say you each still have your trusts.

748. Mine was liquidated years ago.

749. How do we know Ivy didn't try to hasten our mother's death?

750. Are you people crazy?

751. Look, I loved her.

752. That's my cue. I think I've heard enough.

753. This..

754. You can think whatever you want about me.

755. But I never lied to Cece.

756. Prove it.

757. Well, didn't you hear the will?

758. She didn't call me Charlie Rhodes.

759. She called me Ivy Dickens.

760. Your mother knew all of my secrets

761. and she knew all of yours too.

762. Maybe that's why she left me everything.

763. Ever since the accident, I've been blaming myself

764. blaming Louis but it was Humphrey behind it.

765. - It's not that simple. - Yes, it is.

766. And now that we know the truth

767. there is nothing in our way.

768. Humphrey's not the reason

769. we're not together and neither is the dowry.

770. This is about saving my life again? Because we're past that.

771. You said you wanted to wait until your marriage was over.

772. - Now it's over. - Chuck, I don't blame you.

773. And as crazy as this all has gotten..

774. I know why you did everything.

775. - Because I love you. - And I love you.

776. I always will.

777. But that doesn't mean I'm in love with you.

778. At least not right now I'm not.

779. The way you need me to be, not the way you deserve.

780. I'm sorry.

781. I have to go.

782. Hey.

783. Look, I know how that must have

784. seemed up there but Ivy Dickens is a thief.

785. She already stole your identity and your money.

786. And now she's about to rob the rest of us.

787. Your family needs you right now.

788. You're not my family and honestly

789. after listening to everybody upstairs

790. the only person I feel sorry for is Ivy.

791. She's a criminal.

792. Because your family made her into one.

793. Serena, all you people do is lie to each other

794. and fight about money, so what's the difference, really?

795. No, it was my own fault for sticking around today.

796. I was dumb enough to think that there might be some answers

797. here for me.

798. At least now I know I was wrong.

799. Care to join me? For old times' sake?

800. Oh, cut the crap, William.

801. You need to fix this.

802. Cece's wishes are Cece's wishes.

803. I don't care what she wanted.

804. Today was supposed to be my payday and you know that.

805. I understand you're upset.

806. No, you don't understand a thing.

807. If you can't find a way to make this right..

808. I'm gonna be forced to resort to other ways to get my money.

809. Like getting a real job?

810. I've always hesitated going after Lola's father

811. for child support. He owes me, oh, almost 20 years.

812. Good luck with that.

813. Do you know who he is?

814. I'm looking right at him.

815. Sorry I never told you.

816. 'But not as sorry as you're gonna be'

817. 'when Lily finds out what we were doing'

818. 'while you were married.'

819. Unless, of course..

820. you have another idea?

821. This just is my lucky day.

822. Spotted, Dr. Van Der Woodsen white as a sheet.

823. Looks like the rules of this Rhodes just changed

824. before his very eyes.

825. How'd you get past the doorman?

826. Wait, I don't even wanna know.

827. Ugh, look, I know no one believes a word I say

828. but I really didn't mean to hurt you.

829. You were just collateral damage.

830. Well, if it had been anyone else but me I'd might believe you.

831. But we both know you've always wanted to settle

832. the score between us.

833. You have to understand.

834. When I decided to stop being Gossip Girl

835. 'I knew that anyone who knew'

836. 'or found out would have it out for me.'

837. So I realized I'd better start collecting favors

838. to use as protection down the line.

839. 'Running that picture of you kissing Dan'

840. was my golden ticket to use with Chuck down the road.

841. I'd love one from you too.

842. Are you using again?

843. Why would I ever make myself indebted to you?

844. Because I have a way that your family doesn't have to pay

845. the Grimaldis a thing.

846. And you get your divorce in the process.

847. Even you can't pull that rabbit out of your hat.

848. I was gossip girl for two months.

849. You have no idea the dirt I have on people.

850. I've been so good for so long.

851. It's time for me to be bad.

852. I can help you.

853. Let me solve all your problems.

854. Fine. Anything to be done with this.

855. Do what you can and if you succeed

856. then I'll endure whatever horror you concoct.

857. Believe me, I won't let you down.

858. And you won't let me down either when I come back.

859. Charles.

860. Lily, I'm sorry for your loss.

861. Oh, uh..

862. tough day as they say.

863. - For you too? - Oh, no.

864. I... wouldn't dream of adding to your burden.

865. Oh, come on, you never have.

866. It would be a good distraction.

867. What's wrong?

868. Blair.

869. She walked away from me today.

870. And not like she has done in the past.

871. It was different.

872. I feel like she's changing.

873. I know I didn't die in the car accident

874. but sometimes it feels like I did.

875. Don't say that. You survived and it was a miracle.

876. Yeah.

877. - Thanks to Saint Waldorf. - You mean thanks to Saint Jack.

878. The doctors didn't tell you?

879. Oh, it's all such a blur now.

880. Um..

881. when you were in surgery there was a complication

882. and... they needed a family member for a blood transfusion.

883. And I gave the doctors Jack's number.

884. Jack?

885. Yes.

886. You haven't lived until you've tried caramel mousse

887. and chocolate.

888. Are you just gonna ply me with sweets until I cheer up?

889. Because I think I'll probably go into

890. sugar shock before that happens.

891. - I am so sorry. I am truly. - No. Don't be.

892. You're about the only good thing in my life right now.

893. Sorry.

894. - Hello? - Lola.

895. It's William Van Der Woodsen.

896. - Hey. - 'I'm sorry to bother you.'

897. I just felt badly we weren't able to finish

898. our conversation so..

899. I asked Serena for your phone number.

900. Oh, no, y-you know, today was a lot for everybody.

901. So no apology necessary.

902. Well, I'm at the Empire if you need to reach me, okay?

903. Okay, great, yeah. I'll call you then, I guess.

904. Bye.

905. So after all that, you're really just giving up "Gossip Girl?"

906. Well, with Chuck and Blair beholden to me

907. I'm more powerful than ever.

908. It's time to pass the Gossip Girl baton.

909. Let someone else see if they can outshine me

910. or at the very least die trying.

911. Now be a doll and send this for me.

912. My flight to Monaco is in two hours.

913. And be very careful with this.

914. There's stuff on this laptop that'll blow people's minds.

915. Bring back pictures?

916. Don't you worry.

917. Bye.

918. Oh, finally, some peace and quiet.

919. I'm sorry.

920. Am I interrupting something?

921. - Yes. You are. - Ugh.

922. It's been a long day for everyone.

923. I think it'd be best if you left.

924. I was just gonna say the same thing.

925. But to the two of you.

926. What are you talking about?

927. This is my apartment now.

928. That's ridiculous.

929. You think we're just gonna let you live here?

930. This all just needs to get sorted out.

931. Naturally.

932. But you'll have to do it from someplace else.

933. Oh, and where are we supposed to go?

934. 'It's not like we have another apartment.'

935. - Yes, we do, Lil. - Oh, ugh!

936. Come on.

937. I'll just get my things.

938. Oh, Ms. Serena.

939. - I tidy up later. - No, it's okay.

940. It was beautiful wake for Ms. Cece.

941. Goodbyes never easy.

942. Yeah, I know. But it's all I seem to say these days.

943. To my grandma, to jobs, to boys, to everything.

944. I'm just sick of goodbyes.

945. Something new arrive soon.

946. It always does.

947. I hope so.

948. I'm ready for it, whatever it is.

949. Attention, Upper East Siders

950. after everything that happened today

951. I've decided I need a little break to catch my breath.

952. I'm sure you do too.

953. But don't worry. I'll be back. I always am.

954. Well, if you came here to..

955. tell me what a horrible person I am then..

956. then you're too late. I already know.

957. That's not why I came.

958. You got back together with Chuck?

959. No.

960. Are you..

961. moving to a desert island where there are no men at all

962. and you'll be living the rest of your life in..

963. peaceful solitude?

964. No.

965. I told Chuck he doesn't have my heart anymore.

966. I realized it belongs to someone else.

967. Uh, so, Dan, are you gonna invite me in or what?

968. - What? - You just said my name.

969. - Dan? - Yeah. You just said it again.

970. Dan.

971. Say it again.

972. Dan.

973. And when I return

974. I bet it'll be a whole newworld.

975. XOXO, Gossip Girl.