Gossip Girl 4x7

1. Gossip Girl here, your one and only source

2. into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite.

3. You two used to be in love.

4. Together, you were invincible.

5. But now that you've turned against each other

6. 'it's just a matter of time before'

7. your mutual destruction.

8. Truce.

9. Now I'm in with Serena

10. and I can find something even bigger

11. to take her down with.

12. Ben's not my boyfriend.

13. Please, you're different than anyone I've known.

14. Just save it, okay?

15. 'Cause you're exactly like everyone I've ever known.

16. All good things are worth waiting for, aren't they?

17. Our new psychology of business professor is Colin

18. the guy from last night.

19. Cab guy? What are the odds?

20. Relationships with faculty are strictly forbidden.

21. I'm willing to wait if you are.

22. Well, then, teacher, I'll see you Monday.

23. Where has she been, Serena?

24. And who am I?

25. That's one secret I'll never tell.

26. You know you love me.

27. XOXO. Gossip Girl.

28. Rise and shine, Upper East Siders.

29. It's officially fall.

30. And when the leaves start to turn

31. we know it's time for B's birthday.

32. We hope Serena will be there to celebrate.

33. But we hear she's having

34. her own private party with a professor.

35. So you're from Maine?

36. I grew up on a boat.

37. Not a yacht, a trawler.

38. 'My family's in lobsters.'

39. I love the "Deadliest Catch."

40. Okay, so how did you get from there to here?

41. Yeah, it was all my dad.

42. He never graduated high school, so he made sure

43. I didn't make the same mistake.

44. 'And the rest of your family?'

45. Still adrift, in more ways than one.

46. Do I sense a little mystery there?

47. So you came from nothing

48. and now, here you are, this big finance guy

49. traveling the world with a killer art collection.

50. Favorite book?

51. "Mergers, Acquisitions, And Corporate Restructurings."

52. Really?

53. You just became my next project.

54. Tomorrow, uh, how about music

55. and... most embarrassing moments?

56. - Unless— - We can do this, Serena.

57. Six more weeks.

58. I'll see you tomorrow.

59. Happy to have you home, Miss Eleanor.

60. You didn't think I would miss throwing

61. my only child a 20th birthday party?

62. Mother, you do know that my actual birthday

63. isn't until next week, don't you?

64. Twenty three hours of labor.

65. I am not likely to forget.

66. Cyrus and I have tickets to the Palais Garnier.

67. So I thought better an early birthday bash

68. than a belated one.

69. It is a shame that the party will fall

70. on the same night as Lily and Rufus' anniversary

71. but so goes event planning in Manhattan.

72. - Cyrus sent you this present. - Ah.

73. Oh. A signed copy of "This I Remember."

74. 'What a fitting gift.'

75. It is time that I claim my rightful role

76. as power player on the world stage

77. just like Little Nell did.

78. Tonight's party is going to be

79. as glamorous and sophisticated

80. as its guest of honor.

81. Dorota, come, we have just enough time

82. for a dramatic reading of page one

83. before I have to meet Serena.

84. So you seemed pretty eager

85. to get together this morning.

86. What? Your, your first anniversary is a big deal.

87. And I, I figured, maybe you could use my help planning

88. and maybe I needed to get out of the house.

89. Vanessa just got back from the commune.

90. Have you guys talked?

91. Oh, if saying "Hey" and "Excuse me"

92. counts as talking.

93. Worst thing is, uh, she, she tried to get back

94. into campus housing, but, uh, the deadline passed.

95. Oh, so now you're roomies with your ex.

96. Hey, how would you and Lily feel about celebrating, uh

97. with a, with a nice family road trip?

98. Actually, uh, we decided to order in tonight

99. just have a quiet evening alone.

100. Oh, I-I-I thought you said, um..

101. it's really important to celebrate with the whole family.

102. We did, but Jenny has a big test she has to study for.

103. Can't make it back to the city, and it doesn't feel right

104. 'having a family celebration without her.'

105. I know the first wedding anniversary's

106. supposed to be paper, but that's not really an excuse to

107. to eat out of cartons.

108. We'll celebrate together some other time

109. when Jenny's back home.

110. I'm gonna... head off, find Lil some flowers

111. try to make this special.

112. What class... has a test on a Saturday?

113. That would be Fear of Chuck and Blair, 101.

114. You know, after the year we've had, I think

115. it would mean a lot to my dad and Lily

116. to get the family together.

117. The-there's, there's gotta be a way

118. that we can get Jenny to come in, right?

119. Maybe Chuck could help.

120. - Right, like he did last time? - He loves my mom.

121. And as long as Chuck and Blair are at war, he's on our side.

122. Ah!

123. Did you get a haircut? Looks different.

124. No, just happy, I guess.

125. Well, if I know you, there's a guy at the end of that story.

126. Well, I might be seeing someone, kind of.

127. - What is he doing here? - What's she doing here?

128. And who brought the Avon lady?

129. She's a court stenographer, there's a notary on the way.

130. We've witnessed the Waldorf-Bass wars firsthand.

131. We know you both. You have nuclear capability.

132. 'Sooner or later, one of you is gonna press the other's button'

133. and we're gonna end up with nothing but cockroaches.

134. You know, we're way ahead of you.

135. Yeah, we're in a truce.

136. Which is why we figured you wouldn't have

137. a problem making it official.

138. A peace treaty, based on more than just a handshake.

139. 'So that's why we're gonna sit down and hammer out'

140. the provisions of a cease-fire.

141. And if either of you decide to break the treaty..

142. He or she will be excommunicated.

143. 'We'll no longer be your friends.'

144. Well, I suppose, as I leave my teens

145. that I should start to think about my legacy.

146. I have no objection to order in the kingdom.

147. Let the negotiations begin.

148. If you give me the Standard on weeknights

149. I'll give you The Carlyle for the entire Christmas season.

150. Done, but I want an addendum that you can't bed hostesses

151. from a roster of restaurants I frequent.

152. You can't have Fashion Week in both Paris and Milan.

153. - You have to choose. - Never!

154. But I will give you Art Basel in Miami and Switzerland.

155. Okay, moving on to Article 47

156. strip clubs in the outer boroughs.

157. Sidebar!

158. Why are we sidebarring?

159. Do you really want access to strip clubs?

160. No, I just don't wanna seem like

161. I'm ceding territory too easily.

162. So... pretend like we're talking about

163. something serious, like my birthday.

164. Or have you figured out that anniversary situation?

165. B, what can I do? They're already planning a family thing.

166. Unacceptable.

167. Just like that sex glow you're sporting.

168. There was no sex, just coffee.

169. Coffee is the thing you have

170. before you pay the check to go have sex.

171. - It's different. Colin is.. - Our professor?

172. The one you promised to stay away from

173. except where class is concerned?

174. Which is why we're only meeting during office hours.

175. You are one macchiato away from making

176. the same mistake that you always make

177. and I won't be an accomplice

178. especially not on my almost birthday.

179. Okay, fine. Then I won't mention him anymore.

180. I cede the strip clubs.

181. Ah, so that concludes the treaty.

182. Actually, there's one more point I wanna negotiate, in private.

183. Attorneys are dismissed.

184. Well, I guess we know why Chuck didn't answer the phone.

185. Of course, Chuck and Blair go to war

186. and end up happier than ever.

187. Leaving Jenny and our family in a pile of rubble.

188. Yeah, it figures, rubble is their specialty.

189. Although... peace time would be

190. the perfect opportunity for a stealth strike.

191. Oh, come on, how good would it feel

192. to finally give them a taste of their own medicine?

193. Not that we're the ones to give it to them.

194. Well, hold on a second. What's wrong with us?

195. I mean, I've picked up a, a few skills over the years

196. and you come from a long line of world-class schemers.

197. We have righteousness..

198. and our parents' anniversary on our side.

199. No offense, Dan, but we are no match for Chuck and Blair.

200. Hmm. I don't know about that.

201. Seems like leaves aren'tthe only things

202. changing colors this fall.

203. So... that's it. The war is over.

204. No more blackmail, angry asides or sadistic schemes.

205. We're not a couple, we're not at war.

206. We officially have no reason to interact beyond social niceties.

207. What a huge relief.

208. I guess this is goodbye.

209. Let us not forget Article 19, no touching.

210. Take care, Chuck.

211. Serena!

212. - Hi! - Hey.

213. Oh, are you picking up something for Blair's birthday?

214. A first edition? That's really thoughtful.

215. Actually, Blair's getting a special delivery

216. from Bergdorf's. This is for a professor.

217. That's an awfully nice gift for a professor.

218. You must really like his lectures.

219. Or that's not all you like.

220. I may have a small crush.

221. Tell me everything.

222. I've been there myself, so no judgments

223. and my lips are sealed.

224. Well, nothing's happened and nothing's going to happen.

225. At least, not while he's my teacher.

226. I would never put my academic future at risk.

227. Then what are you doing?

228. Well, just talking, getting to know each other

229. until the semester's over.

230. The waiting is actually amazing.

231. Wow. That's great.

232. Does he feel the same way?

233. What do you mean?

234. All books, no sex?

235. I, I hate to be the bearer of bad news

236. but he's a guy and guys don't wait.

237. So if he's not getting it from you, then..

238. There's no way, he's, um—

239. Different.

240. Well, if not, I'm here for advice.

241. - Thank you. - You're welcome.

242. Bye.

243. I got it.

244. Its genius is in its simplicity.

245. You break the truce, drive a wedge between them.

246. And once the peace is off, Chuck will be primed

247. to help Jenny in retaliation.

248. Okay, so, what would enrage Chuck Bass?

249. His maybe mother? His late father?

250. - Jack Bass. - That's perfect.

251. Gossip Girl will be thrilled to hear about

252. a secret fling with Jack and Blair

253. last summer in the south of France

254. or how they're planning to... do it again this Christmas.

255. Nice touch. Are you sure we aren't really related?

256. Alright, so I run into Chuck, offer my condolences

257. 'that Blair can't be trusted.'

258. Suggest the best way to retaliate

259. is to offer amnesty to Jenny.

260. 'And as an added bonus, my dad and Lily'

261. get the first anniversary they deserve.

262. Let's see how strong the holy alliance

263. is after this air strike.

264. - 'Hello?' - Surprise! It's me.

265. Serena, I don't think coming here is a good idea.

266. I'm just dropping off a copy of my favorite book

267. "The Beautiful And Damned."

268. Where is she? I know she's up here.

269. Serena, meet... Ilana.

270. My housekeeper.

271. You, uh, you were jealous..

272. of my housekeeper.

273. I saw you get her from a cab.

274. I always pay her cab fare.

275. Stop smiling.

276. She's gorgeous and I'm going a little crazy here.

277. I know. Me, too.

278. Let's be honest.

279. We may sit across from each other

280. talking about bagels versus brioche

281. but... all we're thinking..

282. Is what it would be like to have breakfast in bed?

283. Okay, as much as it, it kills me to say this

284. no more office hours.

285. I just can't be alone in a room with you.

286. So other than class, I'll..

287. I'll see you in six weeks.

288. Other than tonight.

289. The dean just e-mailed that my presence

290. is requested at a party

291. apparently at your place.

292. You were invited to Blair's birthday?

293. S, I can't talk now.

294. Did you invite the entire

295. Columbia faculty to your party?

296. 'I may have invited the dean and whomever she favors.'

297. Why do you care? You're not going.

298. Well, the anniversary party was canceled, so yes, I am.

299. And now it turns out, so is Colin.

300. Unless you mean Firth or Farrell, I'm not listening.

301. The dean will be there. Need I say more?

302. Chuck.

303. Hey, uh, hey, man, I was just stopping by to see Nate.

304. But I, I guess he's not here.

305. - He's in his room. - Oh, he is?

306. He's not, he's, he's not at class? I would've thought—

307. You really don't know how to stage a run-in, do you?

308. Cut to the chase.

309. Well, uh, since Blair betrayed you with your uncle

310. I thought maybe you could betray her back.

311. Call my sister, offer her protection.

312. 'Well, you're just about six months late'

313. for that, aren't you, Humphrey?

314. Hey, I, uh... I didn't expect

315. to see you here. I assumed..

316. That Chuck and I would be back at war

317. after that silly Gossip Girl blast?

318. It was obviously fake.

319. What gave you that idea?

320. We have enemies, Humphrey.

321. 'All powerful people do.'

322. We anticipated someone would try to mess with us.

323. And this handiwork has your

324. lying little sister's fingerprints all over it.

325. Besides, Jack Bass wasn't in France

326. last summer, he was in Chile.

327. Again, uh, how did you know that?

328. I must've read about it somewhere.

329. Regardless, this incident inspired us to add

330. a new addendum to the treaty.

331. The notary just left.

332. Now, wait a second, the-there, there's a treaty

333. like an actual legal document?

334. Humphrey, the intricacies of our war games are too complex

335. for a prole like you to fathom.

336. 'As an additional gesture of trust'

337. Chuck, I would like to invite you

338. to my birthday party this evening.

339. I gratefully accept.

340. And... since gothic Barbie

341. remains safely quarantined upstate

342. feel free to stop by if you're feeling lonely.

343. Serena? Hey.

344. So it turns out you were wrong

345. about the professor.

346. He is waiting for me.

347. But waiting is not easy.

348. 'I don't trust myself to be in a room with him.'

349. I'm sorry, normally I would talk to Blair

350. about this, but she doesn't approve.

351. Some people are such prudes.

352. Yeah, well, anyway

353. we agreed to stay away from each other

354. but tonight, we both have to go to Blair's birthday

355. and a lot of faculty are going, including the dean.

356. The dean? No kidding.

357. I get it. What you need is a buffer.

358. 'Someone to stay by your side, distract you'

359. make sure you two are never alone all night.

360. I'm happy to help.

361. - Really? Thank you. - 'Of course.'

362. Although, I'm not sure how Blair will feel

363. about me being at her party.

364. Well, you'll be my guest

365. and, and maybe it's a good idea.

366. She'll get to know the real you.

367. - 'Thank you.' - My pleasure.

368. You've put yourself in the right hands.

369. Uh-oh, Juliet's plans are falling into place

370. and S is primed for a fall.

371. Hey, man, do you know anything about, uh

372. Chuck and Blair's so-called peace treaty?

373. Yeah, of course. It was my idea.

374. You know, they're really trying to change.

375. I'll highly doubt that.

376. But do you, by any chance..

377. know what's in it?

378. Sorry, man, I can't tell you that.

379. I gave my word I'd guard it.

380. Security's coming to pick it up and put it in the safe.

381. Anyway, there's stuff in there

382. Serena and I don't even know about.

383. Chuck and Blair made us leave early.

384. Wait a second, you saw Serena?

385. I thought we agreed.

386. You don't have to worry about it, okay?

387. She's seeing someone else.

388. Can we talk about this later? I'm late for class.

389. Yeah.

390. Nate thought he and Humphrey were thick as thieves.

391. Turns out, Humphrey's a thief and Nate's just thick.

392. Just the man I was looking for.

393. Hey.

394. So I assume

395. you're going to Blair's birthday party tonight?

396. Yep, solo, now that things are over with Juliet.

397. That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about.

398. Um... she's gonna be my date.

399. I thought she left me for someone else.

400. I didn't know it was you.

401. Come on.

402. That guy I was telling you about.

403. Uh, we're, we're trying to stay away from each other

404. and he's gonna be there tonight.

405. So Juliet offered to chaperone

406. so that I stay strong.

407. Well, if all you need's a buffer, then let me take you.

408. Oh, I don't wanna make him jealous.

409. No, we're just friends.

410. And let's be honest, it's better to have

411. a guy protect you from another guy.

412. - You do have a point. - I know I do.

413. Plus, I'd rather not run into Juliet

414. so you'd be doing me a favor, too.

415. Okay.

416. Juliet, hey, uh, change of plans.

417. I actually don't need your help anymore tonight.

418. - Are you sure? - 'Yeah, yeah.'

419. So you can go back to whatever it is

420. I took you away from doing.

421. - Thank you, though. - Yeah.

422. Bye-bye.

423. You put gladiolas in my cabbage roses?

424. The Waldorfs is not a Best Western!

425. Get them out.

426. Darling, I just got off the phone with Rufus and Lily.

427. I told them if they can't be with family

428. they might as well be with... friends.

429. We have to do something special for them.

430. I suppose, a powerful woman can afford to be generous.

431. So I'll have to think of some kind of anniversary surprise.

432. How's the guest list coming?

433. Everyone who's anyone will be here.

434. But I, I couldn't help but notice a certain

435. 'Charles Bass has been added to the list.'

436. Blair, we don't need any trouble.

437. He'll be no trouble, mother. He and I are good.

438. Yeah. So good you have been berating the help all day.

439. I'm not berating anyone.

440. I just wanna be sure that the party is perfect.

441. Your dress, Miss Blair.

442. Are you kidding?

443. What part of J. Mendel did you not understand?

444. Actually, dear, I picked it out.

445. Dorota... what's going on with me?

446. You aren't fighting with Mr. Chuck

447. so you fight with everyone else.

448. Take it upstairs.

449. That's their biggest secret?

450. I was expecting something

451. a little bit more "American Psycho."

452. Not... stabbing a homeless man

453. but at least feeding a cat to an ATM.

454. A birthday surprise may be in order.

455. I think all it'll take is a couple of calls.

456. Look, Dan, I know we want Jenny to come in for the anniversary.

457. But she fought back last week

458. and nearly lost everything she learned.

459. You told her that yourself.

460. I don't know, maybe we shouldn't risk the same.

461. Yeah, we should. They deserve it.

462. They're, they're, they're smug and they... are condescending.

463. They have treaties. And we're doing it for Jenny.

464. Dan, we tried, it didn't work.

465. I'm out. I, I, I hope you are too.

466. Hi, uh, hi, Rita.

467. This is Dan, Rufus Humphrey's son.

468. Yeah, I hope you don't mind me calling

469. but, uh, I have a very good friend

470. with a birthday party tonight.

471. A-and, and I was hoping I could get your help.

472. Yeah, do you still work at Interscope?

473. Looks like Brooklyn's in it to win it.

474. Just what is it exactly?

475. Guess we'll find out tonight.

476. - Zee. - Zoe.

477. - Now I know it's a party. - Oh, stop, you look so chic.

478. - Cheers. - Thanks.

479. - Hi. - Hi.

480. Hi.

481. Dean Reuther, I am so thrilled you could make it.

482. Happy birthday, Blair.

483. The guest list is inspired.

484. Thank you for inviting me and my faculty.

485. Well, thank you, and I hope you get a chance

486. to chat with Patricia Ireland.

487. I-I think she'd be really interested in that paper

488. you wrote for Yale law review on planned parenthood V. Casey.

489. You read that?

490. Of course, every woman who cares

491. about her right to choose should.

492. You know, Blair, I think that we should

493. get to know each other better.

494. I'll have my assistant set up a lunch.

495. OMG.

496. The last girl the dean took to lunch

497. became CEO of Pepsi.

498. 'Here you go.'

499. I was happy with eating Shun Lee out of the carton, Lil.

500. This is all just very Upper East Side.

501. Look, I know you think you're rock and roll

502. but you are wearing a $2000 jacket.

503. - Happy anniversary! - Ah! Oh.

504. - Thank you. - You too.

505. That's a gorgeous blazer.

506. Thanks for getting me in, but I should go

507. before anybody sees us together.

508. Of course. Have fun.

509. That guy I told you about is here.

510. - Please distract me. - Okay.

511. Don't look over there, but my lit professor..

512. look at his pants, look at 'em.

513. I bet you 10 bucks they're held up with a rubber band.

514. He wears them every single day. It's ridiculous.

515. Dan. Hey, I didn't realize you were coming.

516. Yeah, it was kind of a last minute thing.

517. I-I-I didn't know you were coming together.

518. - Oh, no, we're, we're not.. - You know something?

519. I'm gonna, I'm gonna hit the cheese table.

520. I'll see you later.

521. Serena. Hi.

522. So this is your new buffer.

523. Yeah, I didn't know you were still coming.

524. I came with a friend.

525. It's nice to see you two having fun.

526. Yeah, well, you're not exactly dying of loneliness.

527. Nate, can you give us a moment, please?

528. Yeah.

529. Uh, I'm sorry, I hope it's not

530. too awkward that I came with him.

531. I know things are difficult between you two right now.

532. No, it's okay, I'm, I'm not worried about Nate.

533. So where is the mysterious professor, hmm?

534. Which one is he?

535. I'm not gonna tell you that.

536. Nate's gone off and left you alone.

537. How am I supposed to step in to be you back up

538. if I don't know who to protect you from?

539. Okay, but you can't tell anyone.

540. I could kill the caterer.

541. The appetizer tray looks like a Rorschach test.

542. You, you're, you're the one who did such a wonderful job

543. 'with the Fashion's Night Out.'

544. Come, help me with those trays.

545. Why are you talking to that horrible Juliet?

546. And what are you doing here with Nate?

547. Well, you'll be happy to know that Colin and I..

548. Hey, my ears don't register his name.

549. are trying to stay away from each other

550. which is why I brought Nate as a buffer

551. and since you won't listen to my Colin problems

552. I had to go to Juliet for advice.

553. Serena, do you have amnesia? Juliet isn't your friend.

554. She's actually proven to be a pretty good friend

555. since she saved me from Vanessa's takedown.

556. Oh, please, if I want to hear fiction

557. I'll go talk to Jonathan Franzen.

558. In fact..

559. Son, what are you doing here?

560. I could say the same to you.

561. I thought, I thought you were gonna be having

562. your romantic night alone at home.

563. Eleanor convinced them to come celebrate among friends.

564. Oh, no, but, but, but you

565. but you can't stay here, it'd be bad luck.

566. You know, everything here is on China and crystal.

567. You gotta, you gotta go home and celebrate

568. on paper plates as planned.

569. You know, I am surprised

570. that you are so superstitious, Dan.

571. Let's face it our plan to stay at home was pretty depressing.

572. Now let's go check out those cookies

573. in the shape of Blair's shoes.

574. Okay.

575. Hey, why, why, why didn't you warn me they were coming?

576. I didn't think I needed to.

577. You didn't actually go through with it, did..

578. Oh, you did? Uh, okay.

579. Ca-can you put a stop to it before it's too late?

580. You look lovely tonight.

581. It's so cold in here, I can barely feel my fingers.

582. Cold? I'm practically feverish.

583. I must tell Dorota to turn up the air.

584. Just one thing before you go.

585. I was wondering, how did you know where Jack was?

586. I think I must've read it online.

587. That's strange. Last I heard, he was off the grid.

588. Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm entertaining.

589. 'Good to see you, Serena.'

590. I better go find Eleanor before she wonders

591. why I haven't said hello.

592. - Good to see you too, Cynthia. - Nice meeting you.

593. Okay, see? That was a great distraction, right?

594. What are you look.. What are you looking at?

595. He's flirting with someone.

596. Don't look at him, look at me.

597. Okay, remember when Mrs. Salazar made us

598. memorize the Gettysburg address?

599. Look at me and recite it.

600. - What? - Just do it.

601. Just go.

602. Four score and, and, and seven years ago..

603. our fathers..

604. Don't flare your nostrils at me.

605. A new nation, uh, conceived in liberty..

606. You're doing well.

607. and dedicated to the proposition

608. thatyouare an incredible chaperone.

609. - I know. - 'Oh, hi, darling.'

610. - Nate, Serena, hello. - Hey, happy anniversary.

611. - I'm glad we can be together. - 'Aww, thank you, darling.'

612. 'Well, it looks like you'rein good hands, now.'

613. I'll catch up with you later.

614. Excuse me.

615. Uh, you wouldn't happen to be Ben, would you?

616. - I'm sorry? - I just saw you with Juliet.

617. I figured if you're the guy she left me for

618. then your name must be..

619. Ben? No.

620. I'm sorry, my mistake.

621. Miss, I have a note for you.

622. 'Paper plates are bad for the environment.'

623. 'Oh, come on, Rufus, It's not gonna kill anyone'

624. 'if we use paper plates just for one day.'

625. Uh, excuse me, I'm going to the restroom.

626. I mean, we all have to do our part.

627. When was the last time you used a paper plate?

628. Nate, come on, I need a drink.

629. Yeah, the bar is right here, we could just—

630. Yeah, well, screw the bar, we keep the good stuff

631. in the kitchen. Come with me.

632. I don't believe it.

633. You've been seeing Ben?

634. Shh! We can't talk about this here, okay?

635. Please?

636. No one can see us together.

637. Okay?

638. Fine, but you bet your ass

639. we're talking about this.

640. So that is the guy that Juliet broke up with me for.

641. 'He just lied to my face.'

642. Juliet's dating him too?

643. Too?

644. So is Serena.

645. I knew that Juliet was evil.

646. I have to go warn Serena.

647. If you left me for that guy you can say so.

648. I mean, why's it such a big secret?

649. It's not what you think.

650. Now, if you don't mind..

651. No, first, you're gonna tell me what's going on.

652. You've lied to me enough.

653. He's my cousin, Nate.

654. And the reason we don't want people to know

655. is because he's a teacher and I'm a student.

656. And he's dating Serena.

657. Oh, my God.

658. She borrow my tiara..

659. she not give it back yet.

660. 'But that's okay.'

661. She is 20.

662. She deserve 20 tiaras.

663. 'She has great heart, style and grace..'

664. even when she gets mad.

665. Happy birthday, Miss Blair.

666. Hi, everyone.

667. I'm Rita, and I'd also like to salute the birthday girl.

668. And I brought some special friends

669. to help me with the toast.

670. 'Or should I say roast.'

671. - Who is that woman? - Robyn.

672. She's an incredible musician.

673. Hey, I tried Rita's cell and got no answer.

674. I think she's busy.

675. Luckily, Robyn was working with me in New York this week

676. and able to bring along a very special video of Blair.

677. - What is it? - A Jack Bass sex tape?

678. A Nelly Yuki snuff film?

679. Let me take you back..

680. to a summer night in Stockholm..

681. '... to an after-party..'

682. for one of Robyn's shows.

683. No.

684. Hey. Ha, ha.

685. - 'Blair.' - Just kidding.

686. No! No.

687. 'Hey, Robyn, jealous?'

688. I'm fine.

689. 'I'm coming on tour.'

690. I... die.

691. How could you bring that video here?

692. I'm sorry, I got a call. He said it was a roast.

693. Of course he did.

694. He who?

695. Charles Bartholomew Bass. Who else?

696. I told you not to invite him.

697. You were flirting with that model.

698. You were flirting with that lacrosse player.

699. He's my friend.

700. And I was just using him to stay away from you.

701. You were trying to make me jealous.

702. No, I wasn't.

703. But were you jealous?

704. We're in your bedroom.

705. I don't think I can make it six weeks.

706. Well, maybe staying away from each other is so hard because..

707. that's not what we should be doing.

708. Maybe..

709. I am in complete agreement.

710. I really want this, but not here.

711. You know how ashamed I am of that video.

712. "Stand By Your Man?"

713. "Gossip Girl is offering a cash reward."

714. It only takes one video to topple an entire career.

715. If you don't believe me, just YouTube "Connie Chung Piano."

716. - Blair, just listen to me. - Why did you do it, huh?

717. Because I knew that Jack was in Chile last summer?

718. I only found out because I was desperate for news of you.

719. - You were? - All summer.

720. When I was pretending not to care..

721. I wanted to know where you were.

722. I paid a private eye to look

723. but the only Bass he caught

724. was your scaly uncle.

725. Blair, as much as I hate

726. being at peace with you, I didn't do this.

727. If you can stand there and lie to my face..

728. then you're either pure evil

729. or just a common sociopath.

730. - You really believe that? - Of course I do.

731. And even if Nate and Serena peeked at the treaty..

732. you're the only one with a motive.

733. Actually, there was someone else.

734. - Is this a joke? - You did this?

735. My sister doesn't feel safe to live in her own house

736. or be with her parents on their anniversary.

737. She was a different person before she met the two of you.

738. Come on, Dan, it's not about Jenny.

739. It may have started out that way

740. but this was about you and getting revenge.

741. 'And you went behind my back to get it.'

742. 'I know, Nate, but come on'

743. they deserve what they get.

744. - I'm not sorry. - 'No, I'm the one who's sorry.'

745. I'm sorry you've become one of them.

746. Blair, we had a treaty.

747. Okay, we have a big problem.

748. 'Serena's professor is Colin.'

749. 'Our cousin, Colin.'

750. And what's the problem?

751. He has no idea what we're doing.

752. If he finds out, I-I will lose everything.

753. Don't tell me about losing everything.

754. I'm sorry.

755. I know that there's no love lost

756. between you two, but I need him.

757. He pays for my school, my rent—

758. What you need is to get Serena caught with her professor.

759. Whoever he is.

760. Did you get the proof like we talked about?

761. 'Not yet, but, Ben..'

762. he obviously has no idea who she is.

763. That she's the one responsible for all—

764. It's because she's responsible

765. that you have to do this.

766. It is the only way to make things right.

767. It is the only way for our family to ever move on.

768. 'Now, please, Jules..'

769. '... get the proof..'

770. and get Serena expelled.

771. Robyn gave this to me

772. and she swore it was her only copy.

773. You are safe.

774. Well, that's good news.

775. I guess.

776. But I'm still mortified.

777. Dean Reuther saw it, Madeleine Albright.

778. I-I'm failure at 20.

779. Are you kidding?

780. 'Elsa Maxwell says..'

781. that a good party gives people

782. what they don't expect.

783. Well..

784. I suppose watching Rachel Zoe

785. get dipped in chocolate like a strawberry wasn't boring.

786. Nothing around you ever is.

787. Somethin' else is wrong?

788. What I want is to be a powerful woman.

789. But... whenever Chuck's around

790. I just feel like a weak little girl.

791. I shut myself off for a long time after your father left.

792. I was cold and hard.

793. Then, I met Cyrus.

794. 'And he taught me that sometimes'

795. you have to allow yourself to be weak

796. in order to grow stronger.

797. Well... that sounds good

798. but it feels terrible.

799. You don't have to lose the girl to be a woman.

800. Just..

801. need to think maybe about..

802. how many people are going to be around

803. the next time you let her out.

804. I'm going to bed.

805. Goodnight.

806. It was just a silly karaoke video.

807. At least no one got hurt.

808. Yeah, I just, I've never seen Dan like that.

809. I pray it's an isolated event.

810. I'd hate to think I lost both my kids to the Upper East Side.

811. Well, I'd hate for you to think that too.

812. - What? - That's a lot of paper.

813. Eric!

814. Did you do this?

815. Well, I helped, but it was all Dan.

816. Well, maybe there's a little Humphrey left

817. in that kid after all.

818. You know, there are ten minutes left of our anniversary.

819. You know, just enough time to save it.

820. Hey.

821. So I wrecked Blair's birthday..

822. and I betrayed Nate, I disappointed my dad

823. and as the icing on the cake, I..

824. I pretty much ruined his and Lily's anniversary.

825. Other than that, heh, how was your night?

826. It was Blair's... 20th birthday party

827. and I'm still acting like an eighth grader!

828. Oh, my God. Is it possible the Upper East Side is contagious?

829. I think we've proven that it is.

830. We just need some..

831. rest and a good dose of Brooklyn.

832. Yeah.

833. Thanks for bein' here.

834. We've been friends forever

835. and that's not gonna change.

836. Dad, I'm so sorry.

837. Wait a second. You liked it?

838. At the end of every war

839. the warriors come home..

840. hoping what they've seen and done

841. won't stay with them forever.

842. 'Anthony Patch is more tragic than Gatsby.'

843. I can't believe you actually read it.

844. Why wouldn't I?

845. Yougave it to me.

846. You know, I think I like you too much to do this right now.

847. We've come this far

848. and the old me would have gone farther

849. but the new me..

850. really wants to wait.

851. I'm glad I know the new you.

852. She's a great teacher.

853. - Ah. So six more weeks? - Yeah.

854. At least we stopped ourselves

855. before we made a mess of everything.

856. No one found out..

857. so we're safe.

858. Well, in that case..

859. Buddha once said

860. "It's better to conquer yourself..

861. than to win a thousand battles."

862. But other soldiers just can't give up the fight..

863. and go underground to plan the next war.

864. Something to look forward to.

865. See ya.

866. But it's the true warrior

867. who knows that wars don't end.

868. They simply change.

869. And there can never be peace

870. as long as guns are still loaded

871. and there's plenty of ammunition.

872. What are you still doing here, Chuck?

873. 'I threw you out hours ago.'

874. I wanted to let you know the treaty is over.

875. Fine with me.

876. This pretense of civility was exhausting.

877. Being amicable isn't in our blood.

878. I've realized we're not friends.

879. Friends have to like each other.

880. And after what happened tonight, I could never like you.

881. I could never like you, either.

882. In fact..

883. I hate you.

884. I've never hated anyone more.

885. Every nerve ending in my body is electrified by hatred.

886. There's a fiery pit of hate

887. burning inside me, ready to explode.

888. - So it's settled, then? - We're settled.

889. These weapons may be deadly.

890. XOXO. Gossip Girl.