Gossip Girl 4x3

1. Gossip Girl here, your one and only source

2. into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite.

3. Nate Archibald.

4. Could I at least get your number?

5. - Hey, Serena. - Nate.

6. This is Juliet.

7. Here you go, grandpa.

8. This is Milo Humphrey, your grandson.

9. We need to get our own paternity test done.

10. Milo's bracelet says his blood type is O-negative.

11. Likely, so is Milo's real father.

12. I've been acting like I'm okay, but I'm not.

13. What if I stay like this forever?

14. What if I never get over Chuck?

15. When you dragged me in from the alley

16. you didn't just save my life.

17. You gave me the hope of a new one.

18. To New York? You got me a ticket?

19. We don't need tickets.

20. I'm Chuck Bass.

21. Where has she been, Serena? And who am I?

22. That's a secret I'll never tell.

23. You know you love me.

24. XOXO, Gossip Girl.

25. I don't understand.

26. How can Gossip Girl be down my first day at Columbia?

27. Maybe Gossip Girl get kidnapped?

28. Unstable Ex-boyfriend Lock Internet Tattletale In—

29. Dorota, what did I tell you?

30. No more watching "Law & Order, SVU" while you're breastfeeding.

31. 'No, unlike those plebeians at NYU'

32. the students at Columbia actually respect

33. and understand the power of Gossip Girl.

34. 'But how is my first day supposed to matter'

35. if Gossip Girl isn't around to tell people it does?

36. - Still nothing. - Good.

37. I forgot how exciting the first day of school can be.

38. New fall wardrobe, fresh slate.

39. The fact that Gossip Girl isn't around to stir up trouble

40. only makes it that much more perfect.

41. Or she could be planning something big

42. for your first day.

43. After all, the site says under construction

44. not, uh, out of service.

45. - Hey. What are you doing here? - Hey.

46. - I was worried. - Just looking at your world.

47. It's magnificent.

48. So if you really are the big boss like you say

49. can you make it so that no one comes up here and disturbs us?

50. I already made the call.

51. The good thing about no Gossip Girl

52. no Chuck.

53. What about you?

54. You're the one who has to start college

55. with an ex-boyfriend loose on campus.

56. Oh, there won't be any issues.

57. Nate and I are still friends even if he is dating

58. some gorgeous blond named Juliet.

59. Oh, please. You are Serena van der Woodsen.

60. We've been on campus, what, five minutes?

61. I bet there's already an entire frat house

62. filled with guys fighting over you.

63. And don't worry, my jealousy issues are as over

64. as surf fabrics for evening wear.

65. And besides, we're carrying on

66. our divide and conquer strategy from Paris.

67. But where will our neutral meeting ground be?

68. Hot & Crusty will not possibly do after Cafe Louis Philippe.

69. But Hamilton House will.

70. So they do have a Columbia chapter.

71. You know, I always suspected Nate was a member

72. but he would never fess up.

73. He was right not to.

74. 'Their membership is so restricted'

75. they make Soho House look like a halfway house.

76. - So then how do we apply? - We don't.

77. Incoming students are selected by an anonymous board of alumni.

78. 'If you dare to think you were chosen, you have to find'

79. the key master on the first day of class.

80. Either a key or white-hot shame awaits you.

81. Then let's go receive our new accessories.

82. - Hello? - I'm dreading this.

83. As much as the truth might be a relief

84. it's also the toughest thing he'll ever have to face.

85. 'Well, just be prepared.'

86. Who knows how he'll react?

87. He may not even believe you.

88. And genetics don't lie, even though some doctors

89. who administer paternity tests do.

90. - I'm here. Wish me luck. - Good luck, my darling.

91. Hey, dad.

92. Is everything okay?

93. - Is Georgina home? - No.

94. She should be back from her spa trip any moment.

95. Why? Why? What's goin' on?

96. Hey, man.

97. Meant to give this back to you last night.

98. Summer was very rewarding, but I'm done.

99. - You and Serena back on? - No, no, but I'm good.

100. I, uh, I met this girl I like.

101. Now if I could only get her to go out with me.

102. Have faith.

103. If a good woman can change me

104. surely one can date you.

105. Good morning, Nate. It's nice to see you.

106. Nice to see you, Eva.

107. Everything's so different. I keep wanting to call him Henry.

108. It's a long story, but it has a happy ending.

109. Should I make us some breakfast?

110. You don't have to make anything for anyone.

111. You can have whatever you want at the touch of a button.

112. Now Simone is waiting for you in the spa on the second floor.

113. Just tell her what you'd like to eat.

114. She'll have it delivered

115. before your massage.

116. Or after. It's entirely up to you.

117. This is crazy. Your life is... perfect.

118. Now so is yours.

119. So, Henry, why do I get the impression

120. that you might not have told her your whole life story?

121. Wow, and I thought college

122. was gonna be different than high school.

123. Who would want that?

124. Sorry, but this is a private club.

125. - 'No has-beens allowed.' - Penelope.

126. Good to see you too. Long time.

127. Clearly, standards have slipped if you're a member here.

128. To whom should I speak to have you

129. removed once we get our keys?

130. The wall.

131. My great-aunt, she was a founding member.

132. Ah. Nepotism. That explains it.

133. Now if you don't mind, would you direct us

134. to the key master and then get me some cashews?

135. I'm famished.

136. Those two? We're so in.

137. Oh, no, it's her.

138. You know the key master? That's perfect.

139. Well, maybe.

140. We're here to get our keys.

141. Blair Waldorf, Serena van der Woodsen.

142. - Hi. We've met. - I'm sorry. We have?

143. At Dan Humphrey's, with Nate.

144. Oh, right. Serena.

145. This is why I hate it when best friends show up together.

146. Unfortunately, I'm down to my very last key

147. which means only one of you made the list.

148. Only one?

149. It's okay.

150. We'll find a different meeting place.

151. The library or a bookstore or Starbucks.

152. This key is for Blair Waldorf.

153. Sorry for the silent treatment, gossips

154. but everyone needs the occasional R&R.

155. Even yours truly.

156. Lucky for you, I observed

157. a sacred Upper East Side tradition

158. and had a little work done while I was gone.

159. Now enough with the pleasantries.

160. Time for the dirt.

161. I spy with my many eyes

162. Chuck Bass returning from Paris yesterday

163. with a pretty, new fall accessory.

164. But if she's the kind of girl you bring home

165. to meet your stepmother, why is Chuck visiting Lily solo?

166. I'm so sorry. I know how much Milo means to you.

167. I just can't... believe this.

168. Why? Why would Georgina do this? How?

169. Do you want me to stick around till she gets home?

170. We can talk to her together, figure this out.

171. No, no, I-I think..

172. I think I need to handle this on my own.

173. Thanks, dad.

174. Also spotted, lonely boy's baby mama

175. looking like one hot mama on the beach in St. Barts.

176. If she's flown the coop, who's cleaning up her baby's poop?

177. And what about Serena and Blair?

178. It seems our girls have started their college careers

179. with a social call to Hamilton House.

180. I'm sorry, Serena, but this club is for members only.

181. Great. I'll see myself out then.

182. But if B is the one holding the key to the kingdom

183. guess Serena is out in the cold.

184. I'm sorry for what happened with Jenny.

185. She was in a bad place. I could have helped her.

186. Instead I just used her pain for my own self-destruction.

187. Thank you for the apology

188. and welcome home.

189. - Please don't disappear again. - I don't intend to.

190. I just hope everyone's as relieved to see me as you are.

191. Well, let's not ask for too much off the bat, shall we?

192. So tell me what happened.

193. I heard about the mugging from Serena, but then..

194. I, um, met someone.

195. Someone wonderful.

196. She found me, nursed me back to health.

197. - Her name's Eva. - So when do I get to meet her?

198. When do you feel it would be appropriate

199. to introduce her to everyone?

200. I'm not going to lie.

201. You haven't exactly come home to a fan club

202. but let me talk to Rufus and Eric, and, um

203. see if I can make some progress.

204. I'd appreciate that.

205. Why don't you bring Eva to Fashion's Night Out tomorrow?

206. Everyone can meet and mingle

207. without the pressure of a dinner.

208. That sounds great. Thank you.

209. Thank you for everything.

210. Serena, I don't have to accept.

211. Any club that will only take one of us

212. is a club I don't wanna be a part of.

213. Blair, stop it, I would never

214. stand in the way of your social progress.

215. Besides Hamilton House isn't for me anyway.

216. It's much more right bank.

217. That's why you're my best friend.

218. Hey.

219. First day download dinner tonight? Sorella?

220. Of course, I'll see you later.

221. That's right. It's Sparks.

222. S-P-A-R..

223. I'm sorry. Can you hold on one moment?

224. - Hello? - Dan, hey.

225. Uh, we didn't get much of a chance to talk

226. last night, but I was..

227. 'Is that Milo I hear?'

228. Serena, this is a terrible time. I'm sorry, can I..

229. I'm-I'm gonna have to call you later, alright?

230. - Later, man. - Later.

231. Nate! How happy am I to see a friendly face.

232. Walk me to class? I'm really lost.

233. - Can you help me, please? - Uh, you know what?

234. I'm-I'm running late, so I'm sorry.

235. Okay, you know, it'd be really great

236. to catch up for real though.

237. Blair and I are going to dinner tonight.

238. Do you wanna join? We could start our own club.

239. Uh, you know what? I'm already a part of this one.

240. I'm gonna go head in.

241. I'll call you back.

242. Chuck is in New York?

243. He came to see me this morning.

244. Thought I would just tell you when I saw you.

245. Well, Eric told me first.

246. Apparently it was on Gossip Girl.

247. You have every right to be upset with him

248. but we can't undo what's already been done.

249. He's trying to make amends, take responsibility.

250. What else is there?

251. He met this woman

252. who's had a big impact on him.

253. You can see for yourself how much.

254. I invited them to the party tomorrow night

255. and I would appreciate

256. if you would just give them both a chance.

257. Well, Jenny keeps telling me it wasn't his fault.

258. Maybe it's time I believed her.

259. Thank you.

260. Okay. I'll see you soon.

261. What do you think of this one?

262. If I answered it out loud, I'd probably

263. be asked to leave the store.

264. I'm afraid I have to go see my lawyer.

265. Apparently, disappearing for three months

266. isn't good for business.

267. But I don't know which one

268. is appropriate for the event.

269. Buy them all. My card's with Leandra.

270. When you're finished, the car's waiting outside.

271. - Bye. - Bye.

272. I don't know who's more excited

273. that you're in the house.

274. The girls that wanna borrow your clothes

275. or the boys that wanna take them off.

276. Oh, well, thanks for the warning on both counts

277. but I have to ask.

278. Why didn't Serena get a key?

279. It just seems like kind of an oversight to me.

280. I agree, but maybe it's not the worst thing in the world.

281. Isn't it nice to have something that's just yours for a change?

282. Oh, well, I..

283. Oh! I have to get back to campus.

284. Listen, I know that you said that you had plans with Serena

285. tonight, but maybe you can stop by the house

286. for a drink beforehand?

287. Inaugural martinis are a 100-year-old tradition

288. and so are the eager-to-please college boys.

289. I do hate to disrespect tradition.

290. Bye.

291. Leandra, help. I'm stuck.

292. Oh, hello.

293. Blair, right?

294. - I'm Eva. - Yeah, I know who you are.

295. I'm just surprised to see you here.

296. Oh, Chuck asked me to come back with him.

297. No, I don't mean in the city.

298. - I mean, in Carlos Miele. - I know.

299. I can't believe it either. Chuck is so wonderful.

300. He's buying me a dress for a-a party that his stepmother is—

301. Look, if you wanna hole up in Chuck's hotel suite

302. and feed him croissants, that's his business.

303. But introducing you to his family?

304. My friends?

305. Blair, I don't, I don't wanna hurt you in any way.

306. Oh, you're the one that's gonna end up being hurt

307. ma biche, and not by me.

308. Chuck will soon realize that it doesn't matter

309. if the dress is couture if the girl is off-the-rack.

310. And then as with all things that don't fit

311. you'll be sent back to where you came from.

312. Oh, and by the way, if I were you

313. I'd wanna accessorize with some gloves.

314. Not even a manicure can mask those peasant hands.

315. And the only thing we know about Georgina's whereabouts

316. is that she's in St. Barts?

317. I called every resort I could find.

318. There is no Georgina Sparks staying at any of them.

319. She could've moved to a different island by now.

320. She-she could be staying under a different name.

321. I don't know, but she-she took, she took everything, Vanessa.

322. She took her passport. She's gone.

323. She left Milo.

324. And, uh, I don't, I don't think she's coming back.

325. 'So we know you dated royalty.'

326. Tell us what it's like.

327. Well, dating a prince isn't really different

328. than dating anyone else except

329. instead of flowers, you get diamonds.

330. Another martini, B?

331. Actually, I think Penelope

332. wants to get me a drink..

333. to make up for the less-than-lovely welcome.

334. Hey, how far are you? I'm starving.

335. I am so sorry, S. I totally lost track of time.

336. Uh, can you hang on a second?

337. Can I invite Serena?

338. It's club members only tonight.

339. I'm sorry, but don't tell her that you're here though.

340. You saw her face when she didn't get a key. I just..

341. I don't want her to feel bad.

342. Where are you?

343. I'm just walking into my building.

344. The doormen are hopeless gossips.

345. You're not leaving, are you?

346. You still owe us tips on dating royalty.

347. Could I take a rain check, S?

348. I'm feeling more like a bubble bath

349. than bubbly tonight.

350. I guess I'll just see you tomorrow.

351. - Yeah. - Bye.

352. Thank you, Hamilton House.

353. Spotted, B holding court at Hamilton House.

354. Don't worry, S, it's not your party

355. but you can cry if you want to.

356. Hey.

357. I was hoping I'd find you here.

358. And I was hoping you'd find me.

359. So I was wondering does volunteering

360. at Fashion's Night Out mean you can't bring a date?

361. Not necessarily, but I prefer not to mix

362. business with pleasure.

363. How long are you gonna make me wait?

364. Serena's out of the picture.

365. Are you sure Serena agrees with that?

366. That's why she doesn't get a vote.

367. How about I volunteer?

368. And then that way, it can be

369. work for both of us.

370. You don't give up, do you?

371. I haven't had to try this hard before.

372. It's... refreshing.

373. - Hey. - Were we supposed to meet up?

374. Last night we were, but according to Gossip Girl

375. you had a better offer.

376. - I'm sorry. - B, it's okay.

377. I know you're gonna have house events.

378. You just don't need to cover it up.

379. I know, I was just drunk on gin and attention.

380. And Juliet told me that I shouldn't tell you

381. because it would hurt your feelings.

382. And I know I shouldn't have listened to her.

383. Juliet, the one who's dating my ex

384. and swears she doesn't remember my name?

385. She's concerned with my feelings now?

386. If anything, she's the one behind all of this.

387. All of this?

388. Oh, my gosh.

389. You can't believe you didn't get in.

390. You've never lost before.

391. This isn't a conspiracy, Serena.

392. Face it. Hamilton House just didn't want you.

393. - Hey. - I got it.

394. - Oh, my God! - So excited!

395. - Did you just get a key? - Yep.

396. And my mom said I'd never get in unless I lost ten pounds.

397. She's a bitch.

398. Eva, are you ready? We should go.

399. - What's wrong? - You should go without me.

400. I thought you wanted to meet everyone.

401. Yesterday after you left me at the shop, I ran into Blair.

402. Let me guess.

403. She took one look at you radiant in a beautiful gown

404. and started shredding the dress and your self-esteem.

405. Some of what she said made sense.

406. That's Blair.

407. She wouldn't waste her breath hurling insults

408. if she didn't think they'd land.

409. She reads people, senses vulnerability.

410. You just need to be stronger than that.

411. Easy for you to say. You're used to all of this.

412. The... cars and clothes

413. the spa... the roof.

414. I'm not like you

415. or Blair.

416. When we walk into that party

417. you'll see me through everyone else's eyes

418. and it won't be so charming.

419. It's not true.

420. I'm glad you're not too comfortable here.

421. Honestly, it speaks to your character.

422. It's the reason Lily will love you.

423. Why everyone will once they get to know you.

424. Okay.

425. I'll get dressed.

426. Can you, can you tell me all their names again?

427. - Lily. - Lily.

428. - Rufus. - Rufus

429. Eric, Serena.

430. You know, Elliot is the bow-tie master in our relationship

431. so guess I can't wear one now

432. until he's home visiting from Yale.

433. Well, if your mother taught me, I could teach you.

434. Or we can call in the true expert.

435. Your mother invited Chuck and his new girlfriend tonight.

436. She feels strongly that he's changed.

437. After talking it over..

438. I think that we should see for ourselves.

439. Everybody deserves a second chance.

440. A second chance, sure, but Chuck's had a bunch.

441. After a certain point, a person's beyond redemption.

442. Look, this is hard for me too.

443. And as upset as the Jenny situation might make me

444. you just can't go writing people off.

445. Uh, you don't understand, it's not like what happened

446. between Chuck and Jenny was an isolated incident.

447. What do you mean not isolated?

448. I shouldn't have said anything. I..

449. This is important, Eric. What are you..

450. What are you not telling me?

451. When Jenny was a freshman..

452. Chuck tried to force himself on her at a party.

453. So I don't care what Chuck says about being a changed man.

454. What he did to Jenny this time makes it clear.

455. He has always been that person and he always will be.

456. I'm sorry, Rufus.

457. Alright, we're leaving. We're not coming back here.

458. Well, what did they say?

459. That Milo would go in a foster care before he gets adopted

460. which could take years and until then, he'd just be moved

461. 'from home to home, you know, with no real family'

462. and I couldn't even see him if I wanted to.

463. - That's awful. - 'You think that's awful?'

464. There's an entire wall of photos

465. covered with kids waitin' to be adopted.

466. I, I don't care if Milo's not my biological son.

467. He's not going into foster care.

468. If Georgina does not turn up, I'm keeping him.

469. - Juliet, hey. - Oh, hi, Serena.

470. Uh, I actually can't talk right now.

471. I'm running late to go help out downtown.

472. Oh, come on, don't you think

473. 'you're going a little far to hold on to Nate?'

474. What are you talking about?

475. Serena, if this is about the keys

476. as I said, there was only one left.

477. - And it was marked for Blair. - Really?

478. Because I ran into a girl who got a key

479. from you this afternoon.

480. Yes, okay, it's true. There were more keys.

481. But I thought that it would be even more awkward

482. if I revealed that.

483. I don't determine who the keys go to.

484. The alumni committee makes that decision.

485. - At least they usually do. - What do you mean?

486. It wasn't them who didn't want you in.

487. - It was someone else. - Okay, then who?

488. Blair? No, she wouldn't do that.

489. You were on the list until two nights ago

490. and when I called to find out what had happened

491. they said that Blair Waldorf had called to give them

492. more information about you, including..

493. something about a sex tape..

494. with a guy named Pete Fairman?

495. Did you really think that she was ever gonna let you

496. steal her spotlight at Columbia?

497. Serena, I am so sorry.

498. I shouldn't have said anything. I just..

499. I would've hated for you not to know the truth.

500. They say old habits die hard.

501. Sorry.

502. But when it comes to Serena and Blair

503. old jealousies die harder.

504. And even if I drop out of school

505. it means I'd have to get a job.

506. I've to get a nanny.

507. 'You know, what if I get one who spikes Milo's bottle'

508. with Benadryl at nap time?

509. I could... maybe help.

510. Oh, you've been great, but this is more than

511. like a-a good swaddle and formula runs.

512. I mean, I could move in.

513. And we could work it out the same way you were gonna do it

514. with Georgina and I have mostly morning classes anyway.

515. Whoa, Vanessa, hold on a second.

516. This is..

517. waybeyond girlfriend duty.

518. You-you-you know, you didn't sign up for any of this.

519. Neither did you.

520. And today's the last day I can withdraw from campus housing

521. and get my money back.

522. Are you sure?

523. If Ted Danson... and Tom Selleck can do it..

524. so can we, right?

525. As long as it doesn't make me Guttenberg.

526. - Hi, Lily! - It's so wonderful!

527. How are you?

528. Hey, have you guys seen Blair?

529. Blair told me she was meeting Juliet

530. at Diane Von Furstenberg.

531. Finally, nothing makes it a party

532. like a Serena-Blair showdown.

533. Prepare your cell phones, ladies.

534. I'd never think I would be so nervous.

535. Hey, I told you, underneath all the pretty

536. they're all just starving wannabes. Let's go find Lily.

537. This is my husband, Rufus, and my son, Eric.

538. How do you? Hello. Heard so much about you.

539. On second thoughts, why don't, um, we get a drink?

540. It might take the edge off. Would you mind?

541. - Okay, yeah. - Thank you.

542. So are you gonna entertain us with another song this year?

543. Why don't we top off our glasses

544. and we can discuss that in major detail?

545. Wonderful.

546. Rufus, Eric. It's good to see you.

547. Okay, I'm, uh, I'm sorry.

548. You got a lot of nerve showing your face here.

549. I thought Lily spoke with you.

550. She did, but that was before I found out

551. you tried to rape my 14-year-old daughter.

552. I know nothing I can do will make up for that night

553. but it was years ago. I apologized to Jenny.

554. She forgave me. Did something happen to change your mind?

555. No, I just thought it was time Rufus knew

556. the whole story between you and Jenny.

557. I'm glad I did because now I can

558. keep you the hell away from my family.

559. I understand your anger and I'm truly sorry

560. but I want you to know that I would never do anything

561. to hurt your daughter or anyone else ever again.

562. If you'll excuse me.

563. As a father, it's my responsibility to make sure

564. no one else's daughter gets hurt like mine did.

565. So where's this new girlfriend Lily told me about?

566. She should know what kind of a man you are.

567. - Is that her? - No.

568. It's obviously just another social climber

569. making a play for Chuck Bass.

570. 'Whoever she is, she's not with me.'

571. What's going on? Flash sale on wrap dresses?

572. Better, Serena thinks Blair blocked her

573. from getting into Hamilton House

574. and is going "Jersey Shore" on her ass.

575. And Gossip Girl's streaming it live.

576. Oh, you couldn't stand my stealing your spotlight!

577. Why would Hamilton House want you..

578. - Let's see. I love car wrecks. - Give it a minute.

579. 'While you were at NYU begging'

580. 'for middle class minions, I had a job!'

581. 'You can't seriously be referring to your..'

582. We can watch from here.

583. I learned a lot about the issues.

584. Oh, you mean your daddy issues.

585. Oh, like you're so healthy!

586. 'I love Chuck. I hate Chuck. I love Chuck. I hate Chuck.'

587. Oh, and who do you love? Nate, then Dan, then Dan again.

588. Aaron, Gabriel, Carter, Tripp, then Dan again, then Nate again.

589. Did your father finally fix that?

590. 'Cause he seemed pretty busy giving your mom fake cancer.

591. I think we've seen enough.

592. We have to save our sister from that crazy bitch.

593. Turns out I'm not the crazy one.

594. Or the bitch.

595. Champagne?

596. Spotted, S and B discovering the joys of filmmaking.

597. Smile for your close-up, Juliet.

598. No, you don't really have the Humphrey jaw, but..

599. my name is on your birth certificate

600. so I'm gonna be your dad.

601. 'Vanessa's gonna be here, so that means'

602. 'you're probably gonna be the only kid at preschool'

603. who's seen the "Battleship Potemkin"

604. more times than "Finding Nemo."

605. Let's hope she brought some pizza 'cause daddy's starvin'.

606. You hungry?

607. Oh! My sweet baby.

608. - I missed you so much. - What the hell are you doing?

609. I'm-I'm back from the spa

610. and much refreshed. Thank you for noticing.

611. Georgina, I know you weren't at the spa

612. and I know Milo is not my son.

613. Dan, I'm-I'm sorry. I-I can explain.

614. - I don't wanna hear this. - You don't understand.

615. Someone was trying to kill me.

616. Admittedly, your ploy to blame me

617. for Serena not getting into Hamilton House

618. would've worked in high school, but not now.

619. Did you really think I would believe you over Blair?

620. I don't know what you're talking about

621. or what just... happened here.

622. We had Dorota film us earlier.

623. Gossip Girl played it as a favor.

624. She prefers to be the only one screwing with us.

625. Hey, Juliet, what's... what's going on?

626. Serena's upset she didn't get into Hamilton House.

627. - You purposely kept me out. - Why would I do that?

628. Because you're jealous of her relationship with Nate

629. and her friendship with me obviously.

630. Whatever twisted frenemy/ex-boyfriend situation

631. you have going on, Serena, it has nothing to do with me.

632. I told you that the alumni committee makes the decisions—

633. You seriously thought we wouldn't know

634. anyone on the committee?

635. You can't, that's the secret part

636. of a secret committee.

637. Unless the key master misbehaves.

638. Half of the board members of Bass Industries are alumni.

639. One phone call confirmed the obvious

640. that Serena has always been at the top of the list.

641. Congratulations, darling.

642. Key, please.

643. - Juliet. - Ladies, champagne?

644. Juliet!

645. Nate, are you really going after her?

646. I didn't find your little show

647. as charming as everyone else did.

648. Well, it wasn't meant to be. What's going on?

649. It's like ever since I got back, you're angry with me.

650. I, I thought we ended things as friends.

651. Serena, you cheated on me with Dan, and then you dumped me

652. and then you disappeared for the whole summer.

653. And you come back acting as if nothing's changed

654. but I did.

655. And I guess it took me until now to realize

656. just how mad I am at you.

657. When I got on the plane to Minsk

658. the guy from the bar wasn't in the seat next to me.

659. It was a Russian businessman named Sergi.

660. By the time we landed, we were platinum members

661. of the mile high club.

662. Oh, why am I not surprised?

663. We did it on the ground too.

664. Um, anyway, everything would've been fine

665. if he didn't tell his loony wife, Oksana

666. that I was pregnant with his child.

667. She threatened to kill me.

668. So then you escaped to Brooklyn.

669. But this is all just a cover

670. 'cause you're really a Russian spy

671. like those women in Westchester.

672. No, uh, I mean, not that I wasn't approached 'cause I was.

673. I came back because three guys named Boris

674. were paid a lot of money to hunt me down.

675. And then I realized if I can make Oksana believe

676. that it wasn't Sergi's baby, she would leave me alone.

677. I thought you were the only guy decent enough

678. at least who I slept with, to take on that responsibility.

679. I sent a fork to the paternity test.

680. It was Sergi's. I just labeled it Dan Humphrey.

681. Is this all supposed to somehow be flattering?

682. Yes, when you signed the birth certificate

683. Oksana called off her Cossacks.

684. You saved my life and Milo's.

685. And to show your thanks, you lied to me

686. and you abandoned your son.

687. Look, I was free and clear on a beach

688. in St. Barts like a younger, hotter version

689. of Kathleen Turner in "Body Heat."

690. But I missed Milo. I needed to come home.

691. I called my parents and we spent the last 24 hours

692. in an intensive family therapy session.

693. They're gonna let me move back in.

694. I'm-I'm truly glad that you've gotten

695. your priorities straightened out here

696. but, uh, there-there-there's no way

697. that I'm letting you take this child.

698. I'm sorry, Dan, but it's not your choice.

699. He's not your son.

700. 'Georgina.'

701. - What's goin' on? - Milo's going home.

702. Rufus told me what happened.

703. You probably shouldn't be seen speaking to me.

704. I explained to him that Jenny confided in me

705. a while ago about the party and reassured him

706. that she's put the past in the past

707. and wants to move on.

708. I love you, Charles.

709. And if Eva is everything you say she is..

710. I think she will too.

711. Is this Chuck's limo? Can you take me to the hotel, please?

712. Hey.

713. I couldn't find your car. They all look the same.

714. - Please, let me explain. - There's nothing to say.

715. I told you this would happen.

716. Eva, it wasn't you I was ashamed of, it was me.

717. What can you have to be ashamed of?

718. Everything I did until the day I met you.

719. Look, I should've told you about my past

720. but I couldn't risk losing you.

721. Well, I'm going now.

722. So tell me, who the hell are you, Chuck Bass?

723. Sometimes, you just have to come clean

724. no matter how many dirty secrets come out.

725. Charlotte.

726. Oh, I was hoping you'd be here.

727. Hey, Blair. Will I see you at my show tomorrow?

728. I wouldn't miss it.

729. Welcome home.

730. I'd like to say I'm glad, but the jury's still out.

731. - Apparently, you met Eva. - Yeah, well.

732. I told you to come home. I never said it was gonna be easy.

733. - Is she still with you? - Not anymore.

734. Wow. She lasted two days. I'm impressed.

735. It was good to see you, Blair.

736. - You didn't leave. - I'm not gonna lie.

737. I-it was hard to hear the things you've done

738. but I've seen the man you can be and..

739. I choose to believe in that man.

740. Come on. Let's meet my family.

741. Hey, I thought you left.

742. I had to oversee gift bags.

743. Some advice, don't get into a fight

744. at a party you helped organize.

745. So awkward question.

746. Is it true you shut Serena out because of me?

747. When Serena walked into Hamilton House, it just..

748. sort of hit me.

749. Your ex-girlfriend was gonna be around

750. all the time.

751. Well, that's an interesting reaction

752. for someone who's not sure they wanna go out with me.

753. Maybe I'm more sure than I thought.

754. Once men have tasted caviar

755. it baffles me how they settle for catfish.

756. Hey.

757. - How you doin'? - Uh, I'm okay.

758. I'm okay, I guess. I just talked to my dad.

759. And he-he-he thinks I should keep busy.

760. You know, throw myself into more traditional college pastimes

761. like Noam Chomsky and beer pong.

762. Sounds like good advice.

763. Easier said than done unfortunately.

764. Look, I don't wanna bug you

765. but the van's double-parked downstairs with my boxes

766. so should I just have them take everything back to the dorm?

767. - What do you mean? - We don't have to do this, Dan.

768. I mean, we made this decision when we thought

769. Milo was gonna be here.

770. I want you to stay.

771. Hey, I'm just curious, did you pack

772. that hideous bath mat that your mom made for you?

773. - It's a prayer rug. - Oh, okay.

774. Well, is it wrong of me to pray that it got lost in the move?

775. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. It will look great here.

776. Come, help me.

777. So how was it seeing Chuck with Eva?

778. Harder than I expected

779. but at least he's not going to Columbia. No offense.

780. Yeah, I-I guess

781. I just didn't expect Nate to be so mad at me.

782. I thought the only thing he got upset about

783. was a badly rolled joint.

784. But we both deserve better

785. and now that we're at Hamilton House where we belong

786. we'll find it.

787. I don't know, even though I was right about Juliet

788. you were right about me.

789. I did assume college would be easy.

790. It'll get better.

791. After all, you are Serena van der Woodsen.

792. Oof.

793. And... you do have

794. the best off-campus housing of anyone at Columbia.

795. - What are you talking about? - Follow me.

796. What?

797. - Ta-da! - It's your new bedroom!

798. Oh, my gosh! Blair!

799. I put Dorota straight to work

800. the minute I got back from Paris.

801. You should've seen her yelling at the decorator

802. while Anastasia was fast asleep in the ergo.

803. Well, he say he cannot get wallpaper done in time.

804. I simply make clear he can.

805. - 'So what do you think?' - Oh!

806. Can best friends live together all year?

807. Of course!

808. Rumor has it S and B changed their relationship status

809. from besties to roomies.

810. Friends or lovers, moving in is risky business.

811. Any time the rules change

812. you don't know how they'll change you.

813. We take the risk because the payoff can be so great..

814. but the truth is we never truly know

815. who we're living with..

816. or the company they keep.

817. - How are you? - Depends.

818. How are things going?

819. The guys were easy, but the girls are presenting

820. a little bit more of a challenge.

821. Apparently, sisterhood is alive and well on the Upper East Side.

822. - How long can that last? - Exactly.

823. So you just keep your focus on not getting raped or killed.

824. It's a minimum security prison.

825. And you are hot.

826. Even white collar criminals get lonely.

827. Don't worry.

828. We'll get it done. I promise.

829. Better watch out, kids.

830. Trouble's moving in and it's looking to make

831. the Upper East Side its bitch.

832. XOXO, Gossip Girl.