Good Talk with Anthony Jeselnik 1x3

1. - Welcome to "Good Talk with Anthony Jeselnik,"

2. the only show where I'm the host,

3. but had almost no say in the title.

4. That's right. It's "Good Talk."

5. My guest tonight is David Spade,

6. a friend, compatriot,

7. and the man I believe to be

8. the funniest person in the world.

9. - Whoa. - David,

10. thank you so much for being here.

11. I called you a friend just now...

12. - Yep. - But this is probably

13. the first time we've ever spoken outside

14. of the Comedy Store. - Yeah.

15. - Uh, thank you for being here.

16. - Welcome to the séance.

17. - But I do honestly believe that you are, like,

18. the funniest person in the world.

19. In fact, you have my favorite joke of all time.

20. One of my favorite j—I think I've told you this before.

21. - God, I hope this was mine.

22. - This is from your HBO special, "Take the Hit."

23. - I remember when I heard about that JonBenét case.

24. I remember—you remember reading about that?

25. I was looking in the "Enquirer" when that came out

26. and I was thinking...

27. "JonBenét's not that hot without makeup."

28. Seriously. I mean, she's okay.

29. She's all right. Kinda average, though.

30. She's talented.

31. Not a stunner.

32. I do remember that one.

33. I do like that you like that one.

34. - I love it so much that I've ruined many a party

35. by retelling that joke and people were just, like,

36. horrified that my favorite joke of all time

37. is talking about a 20-year-old child murder.

38. - But I—that blew me away.

39. - I sometimes work— just a couple weeks ago,

40. I was doing a big child molester chunk in my act.

41. - Mm-hmm. - And, uh—tastefully.

42. I have a real good in on it. Uh... and, um,

43. somehow I brought up JonBenét and they boo and I go,

44. "You're booing JonBenét, that super talent?"

45. But I turned the tricks on 'em, 'cause I made them think

46. that they were booing JonBenét.

47. - You performed during, like, the first standup comedy boom

48. and now you're performing out on the road again

49. during the second standup comedy boom.

50. What do you think is the difference between

51. the two booms, boom-wise?

52. Just speaking strictly in terms of booms.

53. - The difference is not my act.

54. It's the same—

55. I said, it's a different crowd. Uh, no,

56. I sort of caught a good wave when I started

57. and now I just have no choice,

58. 'cause I can't do anything else.

59. So I just— I like doing standup.

60. You know it's hard.

61. They know it's hard.

62. Just at the Comedy Store, everyone's fucking good.

63. - Mm-hmm. - You know?

64. So to go out there and not look like an asshole,

65. uh, and not stand out as bad is fun.

66. - So you think the comics during this current boom

67. are better? 'Cause they have to be.

68. They have to be different

69. than the ones before them, so it's a little harder

70. in that respect. - Yeah.

71. - 'Cause it was sort of uncharted territory back then.

72. I only knew watching Johnny Carson with Seinfeld

73. and Paul Reiser and Kevin Nealon and these guys.

74. So there—there was probably one comic

75. for every ten there are now. - Mm-hmm.

76. - So there's so much competition

77. and so much... you can't do a joke like this joke.

78. That's hard, to stay away from areas.

79. Like, you have a very distinct style

80. which helps in writing, I'm sure,

81. because I don't see a lot of people saying,

82. oh, they're like... you. Or you're like them.

83. - Mm-hmm. - You know, that's good.

84. I'm a little looser.

85. Stuff I do is a little more down the middle,

86. but I obviously want my own voice.

87. - Yeah. If someone tells me that, like,

88. "Oh, I'm like you," my only response is,

89. "Good luck with that." Like I barely squeak through—

90. - David, uh, you've mentioned a bunch of comics

91. already you looked up to. Who would you say

92. was your biggest influence starting out?

93. - That's a good question. I would...

94. maybe lean toward Dennis because he was my favorite

95. for a run there and then I got to open for him

96. and then he liked my act, which was a big deal to me.

97. - This is pre-SNL you opened for him.

98. - Yeah, and then he said, "Why don't you come open

99. for my 'Black and White Special',"

100. or one of those specials and, uh, I did that.

101. I didn't know I wouldn't be on it.

102. I thought—I thought I'd be on part of it—

103. - They didn't show the opener?

104. - Like I'd be, like, just the first couple minutes.

105. And then I found out I wasn't, but I got to do that.

106. I even asked if we could have a picture the first week

107. we worked at Caroline's.

108. In the middle of it, I go,

109. "Can we get a picture together?"

110. He goes, "That's weird. We're friends, right?"

111. I go, "Oh, yeah."

112. I felt so stupid.

113. And then I—he helped me get on

114. HBO Young Comedians special that he was hosting.

115. And then after that, SNL saw it.

116. And then he told Lorne I'd be good.

117. So he helped a lot of it. - Yeah.

118. "The Black and White Special"

119. is one of my absolute favorites.

120. I love that he paid himself

121. to have it shot on film so that it looked—

122. it actually looks, like, still holds up in black and white.

123. - Looks cool, yeah.

124. - Cost ten times as much as anyone else's special,

125. but it's still great. Let's take a look at that.

126. This is a clip from Dennis Miller's 1990 HBO special,

127. "The Black and White Special."

128. - And you wanna know what a prick Adolf Hitler was?

129. I read "Mein Kampf" this weekend.

130. No dedication.

131. - Do you still talk to Dennis Miller?

132. - Uh-huh. - I mean I don't know anyone

133. except for you who still talks to him.

134. Yeah.

135. - And I'm friends with two of his brothers.

136. Why do you think that people get so angry

137. at a comedian when they change

138. over the course of their career?

139. - Well, listen. I'm not political

140. and the new show is not, for that reason, like—

141. mostly because I'm stupid. I'm sort of a believer I'm here

142. to do standup and that's hard enough.

143. They're not paying to see me do that part.

144. - Exactly. - So I just say, hey,

145. they can do their thing, but for me, I stay out of it.

146. And, I think, with Dennis...

147. you gain fans, but you lose fans.

148. And I think he actually went against the grain.

149. When you're gonna go Republican,

150. especially out here,

151. it's hard to even go to parties.

152. It's like a career move to be a Democrat.

153. - Oh yeah, I mean, that's why I wanted to do this show.

154. Like, we tape months in advance.

155. Like, I don't care what's in the Mueller Report.

156. You know, I don't wanna— - Yeah.

157. - Like I thought, Picasso, if he was alive today,

158. wouldn't have a period of four years where

159. he just painted pictures of the president.

160. - Right, exactly. - You know what I mean?

161. I didn't want to waste my time with something

162. I didn't know anything about

163. just because everyone else was doing it.

164. - It's hard enough to write the regular jokes I do, so...

165. - Oh, exactly. And I can't—

166. I don't relate to people.

167. You know what I mean? I have more money

168. than most Americans and I don't care about anything.

169. I don't have a family.

170. So you know, like, "I'm voting like this for my kids."

171. I'm like, that makes sense. Uh, I guess.

172. I see it. - I like that assessment.

173. - All right, before we go to break,

174. let's take a look back at all the greatest moments

175. in Comedy Central history.

176. - Oh, my God! They killed Kenny.

177. - You bastards!

178. - Welcome to the stage, the magnificent Anthony Jeselnik!

179. - Hello.

180. This is my comedy show.

181. - And we're back with "Good Talk."

182. In fact, we've barely moved.

183. David Spade is still, as we like to say,

184. in the house.

185. David, let's play a little thing called,

186. "Agree or Disagree." - Yeah.

187. - I'm gonna make a statement about comedy.

188. You tell me if you agree with it

189. or disagree with it. - Okay.

190. - All great comedians have a rough childhood.

191. - Uh... I feel like it's more of a percentage,

192. but I would say sort of agree.

193. - I kind of agree,

194. and I think there's different versions of a rough childhood.

195. You could've been bullied in school,

196. but your family was cool.

197. Or, like, you come from a broken home

198. and you were trying to make your mom

199. laugh when you were a kid.

200. Like, there's different ways it can be bad.

201. - It's me. - That was you?

202. That was you? - No.

203. I will say I was bullied as a kid,

204. but it's funny, bullying—

205. now we have all the data of how bad it is

206. and it's 1,000 times worse. It's so funny that you go,

207. "Guys, we figured it out. We cracked the code.

208. We fucked every kid up."

209. And they're like, oh, let's do it 1,000 times more online...

210. and every kid knows.

211. And then there's suicides, you're like,

212. "Fuck, guys, we figured this out.

213. We have the answer."

214. But it's not— definitely not going away.

215. - Do you wish your childhood had been better?

216. I mean, if it brought you to where you are now,

217. wasn't it a good thing? That's how I feel about mine.

218. - It's a good question and, uh,

219. I give my mom a lot of credit. You know, my dad walked out

220. and he was a drinker and all that stuff.

221. I would say everyone has a rough version,

222. but mine didn't really seem rough at the time.

223. You look back and you go, "Fuck, man, that was tough."

224. But the sum of all the parts, I guess

225. I'm okay with it because I'm okay with who I am now.

226. - David Spade, bullying success story.

227. - Still a pipsqueak, though.

228. - Agree or disagree. You would be just as successful

229. right now if you had never been on SNL.

230. "Saturday Night Live." - Oh.

231. I don't think I would be as successful,

232. that's for sure. - Okay, well—

233. - I mean, "Just Shoot Me!" too. Keep you treading water.

234. - Oh, without "Just Shoot Me!" you would not be

235. here right now, talking to me.

236. - I mean, after SNL, I would've—

237. they offered me my own show or to be the fifth lead

238. on "Just Shoot Me!" and add me to the pilot and re-shoot it.

239. And they already had a good writer and good people

240. and I go, "I think that's a safer move for less money."

241. - Yeah, it was a smart move. - And thank God

242. it fucking worked. - Yeah.

243. After his appearance on SNL,

244. Michael Jordan went on to win five titles.

245. How instrumental were you in that?

246. - I was in one sketch with him.

247. I think we were an all-white basketball team

248. that did not want him on it.

249. It was, like, in the '50s.

250. And then, even though he was really good,

251. we kept not letting him play.

252. - So you think that putting the greatest

253. basketball player in history

254. through that sort of humiliation,

255. where he has to go back in time during Jim Crow,

256. really made him just want to

257. show you guys by winning five titles?

258. - I think it was more, "This isn't for me.

259. I'm gonna really focus on basketball now."

260. - Really? 'Cause his comedy is top-notch.

261. He was in Cartoon Jam.

262. - Mm-hmm. - Wasn't he?

263. - He was in Cartoon Jam. Don't correct the guest.

264. - Yeah! Cartoon Jam. - He was great in Cartoon Jam.

265. I hear they're making another Cartoon Jam

266. with, uh, Lebron Jams.

267. Um, agree or disagree.

268. Making movies with your friends is fun and never stressful.

269. - I agree with the first part,

270. but it can be stressful in a way, because...

271. I think we're talking about Adam.

272. Adam is a hard worker and runs a tight ship

273. and he wants everybody to be at his level.

274. - Mm-hmm. - He doesn't smoke.

275. He doesn't really drink. He doesn't do drugs.

276. I'm a little bit of a boozy Susie sometimes.

277. And even Rock's, you know,

278. he's pretty straight up, so...

279. I'm like, I'm the disaster on the set?

280. I mean, I found that out about two weeks in.

281. I go—every now and then, I go, "A couple."

282. And everyone's like, "You drinking?"

283. I go, "No, no, no. Are you guys not drinking?

284. Is no one drinking?"

285. And then, uh, I go,

286. "Oh yeah, no, no, no.

287. Fuck."

288. - Agree or disagree. Musicians wanna be comedians

289. and comedians want to be musicians.

290. - I do agree. - I do agree, too.

291. - Yeah. - Why do you think that is?

292. - 'Cause every rock star I meet

293. amps up the funny around me.

294. - Yeah.

295. - It's unbelievable. - Mm-hmm.

296. - And I agree that I would definitely

297. like to be a rock star.

298. - I think comics wanna be musicians

299. because then you could just do, like, greatest hits

300. all the time. People are happy.

301. Unlike with comedians where you write a great joke,

302. they're like, "Great, what else you got?"

303. - Yeah. I used to do the corporate gig

304. and, uh, when you do these, you know...

305. that's when I wanna be a musician,

306. because musicians can bomb, but you don't really know it.

307. - Mm-hmm. - You just do your song.

308. It's a lot easier than after every fucking word you say,

309. there's crickets

310. and you have to struggle through it.

311. And everyone knows you're not doing well.

312. - I once did a private birthday party that went so badly...

313. - Yeah. - That I, like, I walked

314. around for hours around New York City just, like,

315. mumbling to myself. It was so terrible.

316. - I did an Andre Agassi charity in Vegas

317. and it's, like, big black tie.

318. I like—I play to the crowd. And, uh,

319. and then they said, "Oh, it's you and then Sheryl Crow,"

320. and then this 12-year-old singer was on...

321. Wasn't worried about her. "Ray Romano," and I went—

322. First of all, I go up, and this little girl does,

323. like, "I Will Always Love You." She's some famous girl.

324. And she kills so fucking hard.

325. Everyone's, like—

326. Like, freaking out. And she walks off stage, I go,

327. "Hey, get 'em next time." She goes, "Huh?"

328. I was trying to get in her fucking head, you know,

329. 'cause I hated that I had to follow her.

330. And I wanted to give her a little jab,

331. you know, on the way out.

332. And then I go up there and I'm like—

333. it already threw me and then my jokes are okay.

334. And then I get off, like, shaken, like you were,

335. and I sit back down and I-I see Ray.

336. He doesn't wanna say anything, but I go, "Dude."

337. I go, "It's a tough one, man."

338. I go, "The tables are way back. Kids in the front.

339. Speakers are bad."

340. He goes up and fucking crushes.

341. Not kidding.

342. The second he walked on till he got off, I go—

343. - David, this is a, uh,

344. this is a new segment we just made up for this show.

345. It's called "Explain Your Pants."

346. I wanna take you back to one of your sets—

347. - Oh, okay. - "Evening at the Improv."

348. Um... - I thought you meant tonight.

349. I was like, "Fuck."

350. - Where you are dressed for success

351. in some kick-ass Bugs Bunny denim.

352. - Look at that action shot.

353. That's funny. I'm doing a funny bit.

354. - I assume you're on the phone?

355. Because Bugs Bunny is on the phone.

356. David, who's he talking to?

357. - You know... - Is it Taz?

358. That's who we all think.

359. - He's calling the Hack police in the middle of my act.

360. He's going, "This guy's got a bit about Jeopardy!"

361. Which I did.

362. Really had a good angle on it, though.

363. My belt is concerning also.

364. Even worse...

365. oh, my God, I shouldn't admit this.

366. I think these

367. were my friend's pants.

368. And I thought they were

369. so cool that I go,

370. "I want to wear them on Evening at the Improv."

371. We dug and found out it was worse than we thought.

372. But I remember that HBO special.

373. That's when there's no stylist, no blow dryer, no nothing.

374. And now I couldn't imagine doing a show

375. without someone going, "Take those fucking pants off."

376. - Oh, yeah. Now on this show there's,

377. like, eight people who are just stopping me from

378. wearing my Looney Tunes pants.

379. - You try to get the Bugs Bunny pants here?

380. - I had all the Tiny Tunes down one leg

381. and then grown up as Looney Tunes on the other.

382. - I have the Tiny Tunes so when I unzip,

383. my dick looks bigger.

384. We'll be right back to discuss how David Spade

385. puts his pants on.

386. One leg at a time,

387. or does he think he's better than us?

388. Good Talk.

389. - That was my writers.

390. - Welcome back to "Good Talk."

391. I'm here with David Spade.

392. David, what's the best movie you've ever been in?

393. And you can't say "Police Academy 4."

394. - I can't? - No.

395. - That's just the best movie there ever was.

396. Sharon Stone

397. was in "Police Academy 4."

398. - Oh, we're gonna get to that.

399. - Okay.

400. I loved "Police Academy."

401. I got 2,500 a week for ten weeks.

402. My per diem was $700 a week, cash.

403. I was freaking out.

404. So I got my little trailer which was half banger

405. or whatever they call 'em. And had my script,

406. circled my lines, put my 700 in it.

407. Next day I come, we're in a different location.

408. "Where's my script?"

409. They go, "Oh, they chuck everything at night,

410. when we move—don't ever leave anything in there."

411. I go, "No, no, no, I wouldn't."

412. Um, when I got home, I only had cleared ten grand

413. 'cause of agent and taxes, so I gave three

414. to my mom for her bills,

415. and one for my bills and then I had no car

416. so I had six grand cash left to buy a car.

417. So I got a Honda Accord, which I thought was

418. the simplest, not greedy— I wanted a Camaro,

419. of course I did, I wanted a suped up Supra.

420. But I got this, bought it,

421. drove it to the Improv, stolen.

422. An hour later. - No way.

423. - Yeah, and I was—I just got back from ten weeks

424. and I was back to fucking zero within two days, like...

425. Wait, I'm back, I have no— I had to borrow six grand

426. from Bobcat. From Bobcat.

427. - That's amazing.

428. At the end of "Police Academy 4,"

429. it's Mahoney's last movie, uh.

430. Steve Guttenberg gets out of the franchise after that.

431. - Was it? Okay. - The movie ends with

432. Steve Guttenberg getting into a hot air balloon

433. with Sharon Stone— - Oh, yeah, that's right.

434. - And drinking champagne

435. as they wave good-bye to everyone.

436. There was no one else in the hot air balloon.

437. Nothing in the previous three "Police Academy" movies

438. would lead you to believe that Steve Guttenberg's character

439. could operate that hot air balloon.

440. I believe they both die.

441. That's why they're never in any of the other movies

442. and you never even hear them referenced again,

443. because there's a horrible hot air balloon accident.

444. Am I right?

445. - They never told me that, like, straight out,

446. but I feel like you're on to something because

447. I know she never came back.

448. She was sort of one and done.

449. - Yes, yeah.

450. - And, uh, was that before "Basic Instinct"?

451. It had to be.

452. It fucking had to be. - Oh yeah, definitely.

453. - 'Cause she was— we had four crotch shots

454. in this movie and no one cared.

455. Uh... that was her go-to.

456. - Now it's time for

457. "Obscure For Sure and There is No Cure."

458. David, you were once on an episode of "ALF."

459. - Yes. - You know what that means.

460. - What does it mean? - "ALF" trivia.

461. - Yeah!

462. - David, what was the name of ALF's home planet?

463. - Ork!

464. It's somebody's.

465. - Looking for Melmac. Ork is...

466. - Robin Williams.

467. - Yes. "Mork & Mindy."

468. A completely—

469. and I can't stress this enough—different show.

470. David,

471. how many stomachs does ALF have?

472. - Oh, eight. - Eight—

473. that's the one? You don't know Melmac,

474. but you know eight? - I guessed, I don't know.

475. - When I asked for the writers to give me ALF questions,

476. everyone had, "How many stomachs does ALF have?"

477. I don't know if that was in the theme song or what,

478. but people know.

479. What was ALF's catchphrase?

480. - "Hey, Willie."

481. Was that close?

482. No. - "Let's party!"

483. "Cowabunga!"

484. - You're getting closer.

485. It was definitely on T-shirts.

486. "Ha, I kill me!"

487. - Yeah.

488. - How did that catch on?

489. - I can't believe that show's not still on the air.

490. But during its entire run,

491. ALF ran on NBC opposite what ABC drama?

492. - "Hill Street Blues." - No, David.

493. "MacGyver."

494. - Oh, "MacGyver." - It was "MacGyver."

495. Every episode.

496. I've got 25 more ALF questions for David

497. I'll hit him up with during the commercial break,

498. but first, let's take a look at a sacred rite of passage

499. for many comedians.

500. - Lil Rel Howery. Ralphie May.

501. Joe DeRosa.

502. Joey!

503. - Dave Attell!

504. - Hal Jackson. - Dave Attell!

505. - Brad Williams. - Dave Attell.

506. - Michael Vecchione! - Dave Attell.

507. - Russ Meneve! - Dave Attell.

508. - Dave Attell. - Dave Attell!

509. - Nikki Glaser! - Dave Attell, everyone!

510. Dave Attell.

511. - Welcome back.

512. Unless you've been living under a rock,

513. you know it's time for "Make God Laugh."

514. We showcase a comedian brother or sister

515. who's no longer with us.

516. Your George Carlins, your Vince Champs, etcetera.

517. This week we chose Brody Stevens.

518. - Yeah. - David, Brody worked for you.

519. He opened for you a lot. - Yeah.

520. - What's your favorite Brody Stevens memory?

521. - Well, I knew Brody a little bit and then I asked if he—

522. he was too big to open for me, but I said,

523. "Would you do it for fun? Just to come on the road

524. with me and Bobby, me and Mono?" and he said yeah.

525. And, you know, it sorta got him out of the house

526. and we had a great time.

527. Uh, and when he'd go on stage,

528. I liked when he would berate the audience.

529. When he'd be fake cocky and go, "I'm funny.

530. "I live in the Valley.

531. I had lunch with David Spade. You didn't."

532. And, uh, and then he'd talk about his car,

533. that it had a leather exterior.

534. I just—he's the type of comedian that I

535. would be backstage laughing every time 'cause...

536. You probably know him and like him, he's just such a—

537. anybody that has a weird angle like that and a weird voice

538. and the tone...

539. It just—something about it really cracked me up

540. and he's a very sweet guy, so—had a great time with him.

541. - Yeah, I don't know a comedian who didn't love Brody,

542. didn't have a great story about him.

543. Let's take a look at a clip from Brody, uh,

544. from his Comedy Central Half Hour.

545. - Lot of people say, "Brody, you live with your mother?

546. "You live with your mother.

547. You're 42. You live with your mother."

548. A lot of people say that. That is not true.

549. I don't live with my mother.

550. I live with my sister...

551. In a condominium owned by my mother.

552. Louder chuckles. Stay with me.

553. I'm intense. I get B.O. in the shower.

554. - Ah, we miss you, Brody. David, thank you

555. so much for being here. - Thank you, buddy.

556. - You truly are the best.

557. - I appreciate it.

558. - And thank you for watching. Make sure to tune in

559. to "Lights Out With David Spade" on Comedy Central

560. after the "Daily Show."

561. Until next time, "Good Talk."

562. - Yeah, good talk, bud.