1. - THAT'S ME, GLENN MARTIN,
FATHER, DENTIST, LOVER,Copy !req
2. BUT MOSTLY FATHER
AND DENTIST.Copy !req
3. I TOOK MY FAMILY ON A ROAD TRIP
SO WE CAN GROW CLOSER.Copy !req
4. WELL, THAT, AND I BURNED
THE HOUSE DOWN.Copy !req
5. SO IT'S ME,
MY WIFE, JACKIE—Copy !req
6. SHE'S THE SWEETEST—
OH.Copy !req
7. OUR SON, CONOR,
THE LADIES' MAN,Copy !req
8. HIS SISTER, COURTNEY—Copy !req
9. WE'LL ALL BE WORKING
FOR HER ONE DAY.Copy !req
10. IN FACT, HER ASSISTANT WENDY
ALREADY IS.Copy !req
11. OOH, CAN'T FORGET CANINE.Copy !req
12. HE'S GOT A GIANT... HEART.Copy !req
13. WANT TO HEAR US WHISTLE?Copy !req
14. - OKAY, SETTLE DOWN.Copy !req
15. IT'S JUST A CAR WASH OPENING.Copy !req
16. - WELCOME, Y'ALL,Copy !req
17. TO THE GRAND OPENING
OF PLANTATION PUMP STATION.Copy !req
18. - WHOO!Copy !req
19. - WOW, THAT FROZEN SMILE
AND MECHANICAL WAVE.Copy !req
20. SHE MAKES EVERYONE ELSE
AT THE CAR WASHCopy !req
21. SEEM DOWNRIGHT COMMON.Copy !req
22. - MOM, PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BE
JUDGED BY THEIR LOOKS.Copy !req
23. THEY SHOULD BE JUDGED
BY HOW MUCH MONEY THEY MAKE.Copy !req
24. - YOU CAN JUDGE PEOPLE BY BOTH.Copy !req
25. - AH, THE NEW SOUTH.Copy !req
26. IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE, KIDS,
BUT ONCE UPON A TIME,Copy !req
27. THIS PLACE WAS TEEMING
WITH SLAVES.Copy !req
28. - ANDALE!
SIESTA'S OVER HERE!Copy !req
29. COME ON!Copy !req
30. - AH, THIS COUNTRY'S MADE
SUCH STRIDES.Copy !req
31. - HI, JACKIE MARTIN,Copy !req
32. MISS QUICK MUFFLER 1988,
THIRD RUNNER-UP.Copy !req
33. COULD I HOLD
THOSE GIANT SCISSORS?Copy !req
34. JUST TO FEEL?Copy !req
35. - SORRY, HUN.
RUNNING LATE.Copy !req
36. I GOT TWO MORE OPENINGS
AND A BACHELOR PARTY.Copy !req
37. - JUST A QUICK TOUCH?
- I'LL CUT YOU!Copy !req
38. - OKAY, BE COOL!Copy !req
39. - I CAN'T WEAR THIS HAT
IN PUBLIC.Copy !req
40. WHAT WAS I THINKING?Copy !req
41. THIS BRIM OFFERS
NO SUN PROTECTION.Copy !req
42. - HOW CAN THERE BE
NO BEAUTY PAGEANTSCopy !req
43. FOR WOMEN MY AGE?Copy !req
44. THE ONLY ONES I CAN FIND
ARE "MS. C-SECTION,"Copy !req
45. "MS. KLINGON UNIVERSE,"Copy !req
46. AND SOMETHING CALLED
"JUST FEET."Copy !req
47. OH, I'M TEMPTED, BUT IT'S HELD
IN A SELF-STORAGE GARAGE.Copy !req
48. - PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU WANTCopy !req
49. TO GET BACK
IN THE PAGEANT CIRCUIT.Copy !req
50. YOU'VE ALREADY WONCopy !req
51. "MRS. GLENN MARTIN DDS USA."Copy !req
52. - HA HA HA,
NOT A REAL TITLE, GLENN.Copy !req
53. YOU WROTE THAT ON A STRIP
OF TOILET PAPERCopy !req
54. AND CALLED IT
OUR ANNIVERSARY GIFT.Copy !req
55. - OH, AND BY THE WAY,
I REALLY DIDN'T APPRECIATECopy !req
56. WHAT YOU DID WITH THAT.Copy !req
57. - THAT BEAUTY QUEEN TODAY,Copy !req
58. SHE WON A TITLE
NO ONE CAN TAKE AWAY FROM HER.Copy !req
59. UNLESS SHE MAKES AN ADULT FILMCopy !req
60. OR GETS CAUGHT
SMOKING A CIGARETTE.Copy !req
61. 15 PAGEANTS, GLENN,
AND I NEVER WON A TITLE.Copy !req
62. - JACKIE,
THAT WORLD'S SO CUTTHROAT.Copy !req
63. YOU FORGET WHAT IT WAS LIKE.Copy !req
64. AHH!Copy !req
65. I'M OKAY!Copy !req
66. OW.Copy !req
67. - THEY CALL THEM
BEAUTY PAGEANTS,Copy !req
68. BUT I THINK
THEY'RE UGLY PAGEANTS.Copy !req
69. WOW.
THAT IS DEEP.Copy !req
70. OR IS IT JUST DEEPER
THAN WHAT I USUALLY SAY?Copy !req
71. - JUST ONE TITLE.Copy !req
72. THAT'S ALL I WANT.Copy !req
73. OH, HERE'S ONE IN SAVANNAH.Copy !req
74. SHOOT,
IT'S A MOTHER-DAUGHTER PAGEANT.Copy !req
75. ALTHOUGH...Copy !req
76. - JACKIE, I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE THINKING,Copy !req
77. BUT YOU ARE NOT DRAGGING
YOUR POOR MOTHER INTO THIS.Copy !req
78. - I'M TALKING ABOUT COURTNEY.Copy !req
79. WE HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING
TOGETHER SINCE BREAST FEEDING.Copy !req
80. AND EVEN THAT
SHE SEEMED TO RESENT.Copy !req
81. THIS WILL GIVE US
A CHANCE TO BOND.Copy !req
82. - ALL RIGHT,
YOU MAKE A GOOD POINT.Copy !req
83. AHHHHHH!Copy !req
84. - JACK, GO INTO MY OFFICE,Copy !req
85. GRAB A NEEDLE AND THREAD
AND A HAND MIRROR.Copy !req
86. OH, AND A LADLE.Copy !req
87. OKAY.
ACCELERATE.Copy !req
88. A LITTLE MORE.Copy !req
89. TOO MUCH!
TOO MUCH!Copy !req
90. BRAKE!
NO!Copy !req
91. THE BRAKE'S ON THE LEFT!Copy !req
92. - MY LEFT OR YOUR LEFT?Copy !req
93. - MY LEFT IS YOUR LEFT!Copy !req
94. - NO WAY.
BEAUTY PAGEANTS ARE DEMEANING.Copy !req
95. SPIT CUP.Copy !req
96. - YOUR AIM'S IMPROVING.Copy !req
97. - YOU KNOW, SWEETIE,Copy !req
98. A LOT OF POWERFUL,
IMPORTANT WOMENCopy !req
99. GOT STARTED
IN BEAUTY PAGEANTS.Copy !req
100. - DIANE SAWYER
- LIGHTWEIGHT.Copy !req
101. - OPRAH WINFREY.
- HEAVYWEIGHT.Copy !req
102. - IMELDA MARCOS.
- WAIT.Copy !req
103. THE MOST RUTHLESS FEMALECopy !req
104. IN THE HISTORY
OF THE PHILIPPINESCopy !req
105. WAS A BEAUTY QUEEN?Copy !req
106. - NO ONE HAS CRUSHED
MORE ENEMIESCopy !req
107. AND LOOKED BETTER DOING IT.Copy !req
108. - I'M LISTENING.Copy !req
109. LET'S CONFAB.Copy !req
110. - NEXT TIME, PLEASE WAIT FOR ME
TO PICK UP THE CUP.Copy !req
111. - BRAKE!
BRAKE! BRAKE!Copy !req
112. PERFECT.Copy !req
113. - YOU'RE FAT.
- YOU'RE UGLY.Copy !req
114. - YOU'RE UGLIER.
- GROSS.Copy !req
115. - WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THEIR EYES?Copy !req
116. - THEY HAVE SUCCUMBED
TO PAGEANT FEVER.Copy !req
117. THE ONLY CURE IS A WHITE SASH
ACROSS THE CHESTCopy !req
118. OR A JOB AS A WEATHER GIRL.Copy !req
119. - JACKIE, ARE WE SURE
WE WANT TO EXPOSECopy !req
120. OUR PRECIOUS LITTLE GIRL
TO THIS WORLD?Copy !req
121. - COURTNEY WANTS TO DO THIS.Copy !req
122. I WANT TO DO THIS.Copy !req
123. THE PEOPLE WHO CHARGE US MONEY
WANT US TO DO THIS.Copy !req
124. - BUT—
- DADDY, WHAT'S WRONG?Copy !req
125. DON'T YOU THINK I'M BEAUTIFUL?Copy !req
126. - AND WHO SHOULD I WRITE
THE CHECK OUT TO?Copy !req
127. - OOH, YOU ARE GOOD.Copy !req
128. - IT FELT GOOD.Copy !req
129. - HI, JACKIE MARTIN,Copy !req
130. AND MY DAUGHTER,
COURTNEY THORNE MARTIN.Copy !req
131. WE ARE HERE TO ENDEAR.Copy !req
132. - AND MY SUCKER IS SEER.Copy !req
133. - OH, THAT'S MY HUSBAND,
RENEE.Copy !req
134. WE'VE BEEN MARRIED 20 YEARS,Copy !req
135. ALTHOUGH WE HAVE YET
TO CONSUMMATE.Copy !req
136. - NO, NO, NO,
THIS IS ALL WRONG!Copy !req
137. YOU, MS. TWO LEFT FEET,
WHERE ARE YOU FROM?Copy !req
138. - MIDVALE.Copy !req
139. - ONLY TWO THINGS COMECopy !req
140. STEERS AND QUEERS.Copy !req
141. SINCE I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU
AT THE MOUSTACHE BISTRO,Copy !req
142. I'D HAVE TO SAY,
"MOO."Copy !req
143. AS IN "MOO-VE" YOUR HOOVES
TO THE MUSIC.Copy !req
144. - YES, SIR.Copy !req
145. - COME ON, MOM.Copy !req
146. WE'RE NEVER GONNA WIN THIS THING
IF YOU DON'T GET WITH IT.Copy !req
147. - A LITTLE RUSTY, OKAY?
I'LL GET IT BACK.Copy !req
148. - ALL RIGHT, LADIES.Copy !req
149. TAKE IT FROM THE BRIDGE.Copy !req
150. FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, OCHO...Copy !req
151. - OH!
AAH!Copy !req
152. - UGH.Copy !req
153. - AAH, COOL!Copy !req
154. I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEBODY
JUST LEFT THESE LYING AROUND.Copy !req
155. OH.Copy !req
156. DOH!
OW.Copy !req
157. - OH, YOU POOR BLIND THING.Copy !req
158. ARE YOU OKAY?Copy !req
159. - UH...
BLIND?Copy !req
160. - MY UNCLE HAS
THE SAME AFFLICTION.Copy !req
161. BORN WITHOUT PUPILS.Copy !req
162. I WAS TO MEET HIM HERE
FOR A CRAWDADDY LUNCHEON.Copy !req
163. I RECKON HE WAS DETAINED.Copy !req
164. LET ME TAKE YOU HOME
AND ATTEND TO YOUR AILMENTS.Copy !req
165. - BUT I'M NOT REALLY—Copy !req
166. - HUSH NOW
AND TAKE MY HAND.Copy !req
167. - LEAD THE WAY, SIR.Copy !req
168. I CAN'T TELL
YOU'RE A SUPER-HOT GIRL.Copy !req
169. I'M BLIND.Copy !req
170. - SO RENEE, DO WE HAVE A SHOT
AT WINNING?Copy !req
171. GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT.Copy !req
172. - PLEASE, I HAVEN'T DONE
ANYTHING STRAIGHTCopy !req
173. SINCE THE TENTH GRADE,
AND THAT WAS ON A CRUEL DARE.Copy !req
174. YOU TWO DON'T STAND A CHANCE.Copy !req
175. - BUT MY POLITICAL FUTURE
DEPENDS ON THIS.Copy !req
176. - THERE ARE THREE WAYS
TO WIN A PAGEANT.Copy !req
177. YOU EITHER HAVE TO BE
INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL,Copy !req
178. REMARKABLY TALENTED,
ORYOU HAVE TO HAVE A HOOK.Copy !req
179. - A HOOK?Copy !req
180. - SOMETHING THAT SETS YOU APART.Copy !req
181. THE PATELS?Copy !req
182. BANGLADESHI REFUGEES.Copy !req
183. THOSE TWO DID A TOUR OF DUTY
IN IRAQ.Copy !req
184. THE SEBOLSKYS—Copy !req
185. THEIR HOOK ISTHEIR HOOKS.Copy !req
186. - YOU NEED A HOOK, SISTER,Copy !req
187. AND I'M AFRAID ENTERING
WITH A DANCING COWCopy !req
188. AIN'T GONNA CUT THE DIJONAISSE.
- OW!Copy !req
189. - YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT.Copy !req
190. TIME TO FEED THE COW
TO THE WOLVES.Copy !req
191. - TIME FOR OUR
REJUVENATION MASKS.Copy !req
192. - OH THANKS, SWEETIE.Copy !req
193. WOW, TINGLY.Copy !req
194. - THAT MEANS IT'S WORKING.Copy !req
195. - WHOA, NEAT!Copy !req
196. OH, HO-HO-HO.Copy !req
197. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY FACE?Copy !req
198. - WHAT?Copy !req
199. - OH, MY GOODNESS,
WHAT COULD BE—Copy !req
200. OH, MY GOD!Copy !req
201. - MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!Copy !req
202. IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL,
AND NOW IT'S NOT BEAUTIFUL!Copy !req
203. - AW, AND THE PAGEANT.Copy !req
204. I WAS SO LOOKING FORWARDCopy !req
205. TO THIS MOTHER-DAUGHTER
EXPERIENCE.Copy !req
206. HOW WILL I EVER GET OVER THIS?Copy !req
207. - COURTNEY,
WE'LL JUST THINK OF—Copy !req
208. DUDE, SERIOUSLY.Copy !req
209. - WAIT, I HAVE A CRAZY IDEA.Copy !req
210. - NO, THAT IS CRAZY IDEA.Copy !req
211. - INDEED.Copy !req
212. WE ARE CERTAINLY
NOT ALLOWING A GENTLEMANCopy !req
213. INTO A MOTHER-DAUGHTER PAGEANT.Copy !req
214. - OR ME FOR THAT MATTER.Copy !req
215. - DON'T TELL ME.Copy !req
216. TELL THE ACLU.Copy !req
217. - HELLO,
FRIVOLOUS LAWSUIT DIVISION?Copy !req
218. - I'LL GET HIM A SASH.Copy !req
219. - CONGRATULATIONS, SUGAR.Copy !req
220. YOU HAVE FOUND YOUR HOOK.Copy !req
221. - ALOHA, WE'RE THE FICKMANS
FROM LUMPKIN COUNTY.Copy !req
222. - BIENVENUE, WE ARE THE PATELS
FROM DECATUR!Copy !req
223. - KONICHIWA,
WE'RE THE MARTINS.Copy !req
224. - FROM DOWNTOWN HUMILIATION.Copy !req
225. - I HAVE TO ADMIT,
HE IS ADORABLE.Copy !req
226. DON'T YOU THINK, RENEE?Copy !req
227. - HEAVEN IS MISSING
A POT-BELLIED ANGEL.Copy !req
228. - COULD I READ YOUR FACE?Copy !req
229. - WHY OF COURSE.Copy !req
230. SILLY GOOSE,
MY FACE IS UP HERE.Copy !req
231. - OH, RIGHT.Copy !req
232. BY THE GHOST OF ROBERT E. LEE,Copy !req
233. YOUR FACE IS STILL PURPLE
FROM THE ACCIDENT.Copy !req
234. - WHAT IS...
PUR-PLE?Copy !req
235. - YOU POOR BLIND YANKEE.Copy !req
236. YOU'VE NEVER SEEN COLORS,
HAVE YOU?Copy !req
237. LET ME SHOW YOU.Copy !req
238. THIS IS BLUE.Copy !req
239. - AHH, BLUE IS COLD.Copy !req
240. - YES.
AND THIS IS RED.Copy !req
241. - OW!
OH!Copy !req
242. - WELL, WELL.Copy !req
243. WHAT HAS CLEMENTINE
BROUGHT HOME TODAY?Copy !req
244. - BACK OFF, MAMA!Copy !req
245. THIS ONE'S MINE!Copy !req
246. - THAT'S YOUR MAMA?Copy !req
247. - I'M HER YOUNGER SISTER.Copy !req
248. THEY JUST CALL ME MAMA
ON ACCOUNT OF MY MORBID OBESITY.Copy !req
249. HYOH.Copy !req
250. OH.Copy !req
251. - THIS ISN'T SO BAD, RIGHT?Copy !req
252. IT'S BARELY NOTICEABLE, RIGHT?Copy !req
253. - I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND,
MRS. MARTIN.Copy !req
254. EVERYTHING WAS FINECopy !req
255. UNTIL YOU PUT ON THAT MASK
THAT COURTNEY—Copy !req
256. - YOU'RE RIGHT.
LET ME SEE THAT CREAM.Copy !req
257. - NO, NO.
COURTNEY SWORE ME TO SECRECY.Copy !req
258. WELL, NOT ABOUT THIS,Copy !req
259. BUT I DID SIGN A WIDE-RANGING
NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT.Copy !req
260. - WHAT'S IN THIS STUFF?Copy !req
261. - HEY, WE'RE WORKING DOWN HERE!Copy !req
262. - I'M TELLING YOU,
THERE IS A MISTAKE.Copy !req
263. THE NAME'S MOTHER TERESA.Copy !req
264. - YEAH, LOOK, I'D LOVE TO CHECK,
BUT THE INTERNET'S DOWN.Copy !req
265. - COURTNEY.Copy !req
266. - PLEASE, MRS. MARTIN.Copy !req
267. YOU DON'T WANT TO GO
AGAINST YOUR DAUGHTER.Copy !req
268. - OH, I KINDA DO.Copy !req
269. I AM JACKIE MARTIN,
AND I AM RE-ENTERING THE CONTESTCopy !req
270. WITH MY ADOPTED
CHINESE DAUGHTER.Copy !req
271. - KOREAN.Copy !req
272. - MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO ME.Copy !req
273. - MY, ANOTHER HOOK.Copy !req
274. THIS PAGEANT NOW HAS MORE HOOKS
THAN A MAROON 5 ALBUM.Copy !req
275. - I WON'T DO IT.Copy !req
276. NOTHING COULD MAKE ME
BETRAY COURTNEY.Copy !req
277. NOT EVEN—Copy !req
278. OH, IT IS ON
LIKE PINK CHIFFON.Copy !req
279. - OOH, SHE'S GOT
THE PAGEANT FEVER.Copy !req
280. THE ONLY KNOWN CURE...Copy !req
281. WINNING.Copy !req
282. - WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?Copy !req
283. - WE'RE ENTERING THE CONTEST.Copy !req
284. THAT'S RIGHT.Copy !req
285. WE'RE TAKING
THAT LITTLE SABOTEUR DOWN.Copy !req
286. - ME?Copy !req
287. I'M JUST AN 11-YEAR-OLD GIRL.Copy !req
288. I DIDN'T SABOTEUR-IZE ANYTHING.Copy !req
289. - YOU BETRAYED ME,
YOU LYING LITTLE—Copy !req
290. - WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!Copy !req
291. THIS IS EXACTLY WHY
I DIDN'T WANT YOUCopy !req
292. BACK IN THE PAGEANT WORLD,
JACKIE.Copy !req
293. THIS IS THE UGLY FACE
OF COMPETITION.Copy !req
294. - ACTUALLY, THAT'S THE UGLY FACE
OF COMPETITION.Copy !req
295. - WHY YOU...Copy !req
296. - WENDY, HOW COULD YOU?Copy !req
297. - HAVE YOU SEEN THAT CROWN?Copy !req
298. I MUST HAVE YOU,
MY PRECIOUS.Copy !req
299. - ENOUGH!Copy !req
300. YOU NEED TO COOL OFF.Copy !req
301. LET'S GO, COURTNEY.Copy !req
302. WE ARE LATE
FOR A TWO-COLOR PROCESS.Copy !req
303. - COME ON, MRS. MARTIN.Copy !req
304. - NUH-UH.Copy !req
305. FOR THE NEXT TWO DAYS,
YOU CALL ME MOM.Copy !req
306. THESE ARE GOING TO BE
THE HAPPIEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.Copy !req
307. FOLLOWED BY AN EMPTINESS
I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FILL.Copy !req
308. - AND THIS IS PAISLEY.Copy !req
309. - OH, OW.
OKAY!Copy !req
310. I KNOW MY COLORS NOW.Copy !req
311. THANK YOU.Copy !req
312. - OH, SISTER DEAR.Copy !req
313. I'M AFRAID YOUR PRIZE CAVALIER
KING CHARLES SPANIEL BROKE FREE.Copy !req
314. I DON'T KNOW HOW HE FIGURED OUT
THAT COMBINATION LOCK.Copy !req
315. - DANG YOU, MAMA,
IF YOU WEREN'T MY BABY SISTER...Copy !req
316. - WELL, IT SURE IS LOVELY
HAVIN' A MAN AROUND THE HOUSE.Copy !req
317. I'VE BEEN SO VERY LONELYCopy !req
318. SINCE MY BOYFRIEND,
THE COLONEL, MOVED ON.Copy !req
319. - WOW.Copy !req
320. YOU DATED SOMEONE
IN THE MILITARY?Copy !req
321. - NO, NO.Copy !req
322. COLONEL WAS JUST HIS NICKNAME
BECAUSE HE WASN'T VERY GIFTEDCopy !req
323. IN THE CROTCH-ETORY AREA.Copy !req
324. NO BIGGER THAN A KERNEL OF CORN.Copy !req
325. THAT LEFT MAMA FEELING HUNGRY.Copy !req
326. - IT LOOKS LIKE
YOU GET HUNGRY A LOT.Copy !req
327. I MEAN, I'M GUESSING BY THE WAY
THE COUCH IS TIPPING OVER.Copy !req
328. - WHATEVER CLEMENTINE WANTS
MAMA GETS.Copy !req
329. OH.Copy !req
330. - PEOPLE, I KNOW IT'S EASY
TO GET WRAPPED UPCopy !req
331. IN THE FRENZY
OF THE COMPETITION,Copy !req
332. BUT WE ARE A FAMILY.
- FINE.Copy !req
333. CAN YOU PASS THE SALT,
YOU BACKSTABBING WENCH?Copy !req
334. - WITH PLEASURE.Copy !req
335. - WHOA!Copy !req
336. FINALLY, I CAN FEEL AGAIN.Copy !req
337. - YOU GOT THOSE
ADORABLE CHEEKBONES FROM MECopy !req
338. AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
HOW TO USE THEM.Copy !req
339. - OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH!Copy !req
340. - HOLY SMOKES.Copy !req
341. I WAS STANDING THERE
NOT FIVE SECONDS AGO.Copy !req
342. - HONEY, YOU AND I GOT
TO REMEMBER,Copy !req
343. WE'RE THE ADULTS HERE.Copy !req
344. - YOU'RE RIGHT.Copy !req
345. LET'S STOP FIGHTING.Copy !req
346. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST PART
OF MAKING UP IS?Copy !req
347. THE MAKE-UP SEX.Copy !req
348. - I WAS GONNA SAY
EATING CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM.Copy !req
349. BUT WE COULD DO BOTH AT ONCE.Copy !req
350. - AH.Copy !req
351. OH, GLENN, SWEETIE.Copy !req
352. WHAT ARE YOU
AND COURTNEY DOINGCopy !req
353. FOR THE TALENT PORTION
OF THE CONTEST?Copy !req
354. - HEY, DIRTY POOL.Copy !req
355. YOU KNOW I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT.Copy !req
356. - HMM, HOW ABOUT NOW?Copy !req
357. - OH, COURTNEY AND I ARE GONNA
WALK ON HOT COALS.Copy !req
358. AH, HANDCUFFS.
NICE TOUCH, HONEY.Copy !req
359. WE OUGHT TO WASH THESE BEFORE
WE GIVE THEM BACK TO CONOR.Copy !req
360. - REMEMBER, WENDY,Copy !req
361. MIND OVER MATTER.Copy !req
362. - NO!Copy !req
363. - AH!
OW.Copy !req
364. - ARE YOU SURE
THIS ISN'T GOING TO BURN?Copy !req
365. - APPARENTLY THE TRICK IS
TO BUTTER YOUR FEET.Copy !req
366. - JACKIE, YOU BETRAYED ME!Copy !req
367. HOW IS COURTNEY
EVER GONNA FORGIVE ME?Copy !req
368. - WHAT?Copy !req
369. WHY WOULD YOU TELL MOM
ABOUT THE COALS?Copy !req
370. - OH, PUMPKIN,
HOW DO I EXPLAIN THIS?Copy !req
371. WHEN A MAN AND WOMAN
LOVE EACH OTHER,Copy !req
372. THEY OCCASIONALLY—
WELL, SELDOM...Copy !req
373. - WE'RE STEALING YOUR ACT,
SHORTY!Copy !req
374. BURN ON YOU.Copy !req
375. OW, OW, OW.
OW!Copy !req
376. - ACTUALLY,
THE BURN'S ON YOU.Copy !req
377. YOU'VE BEEN PLAYED, SUCKA!
- WHAT?Copy !req
378. - I KNEW YOU COULDN'T KEEP
A SECRET, DAD.Copy !req
379. SO I TOLD YOU A FAKE TALENT
TO THROW THEM OFF.Copy !req
380. - WAIT.Copy !req
381. SO MY WIFE DOUBLE-CROSSED ME,Copy !req
382. FORCING ME TO DOUBLE-CROSS
MY DAUGHTER,Copy !req
383. WHO HAD ALREADY DOUBLE-CROSSED
ME TO BEGIN WITH?Copy !req
384. EVERYBODY IN THE RV
ON THE DOUBLE!Copy !req
385. - I'LL BRING THE COALS.Copy !req
386. YEOW!Copy !req
387. OH, THAT IS RED!Copy !req
388. - ALL RIGHT,
WAKEY WAKEY.Copy !req
389. - WOW.Copy !req
390. - WHERE ARE WE?Copy !req
391. - SCHAUMBURG, ILLINOIS,Copy !req
392. THE JEWEL OF SUBURBAN
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS.Copy !req
393. - WHAT?
- THAT'S RIGHT.Copy !req
394. DROVE ALL NIGHT.Copy !req
395. NOW WE'RE 1,000 MILES
FROM ALL THAT PAGEANT CRAZINESS.Copy !req
396. - GET YOUR CHICAGO-STYLE
CHICAGO DOGS!Copy !req
397. BEST IN CHICAGO!Copy !req
398. - OH, MAN!
- HOW COULD YOU?Copy !req
399. - WHY?Copy !req
400. - I DID IT TO SAVE
WHAT LITTLE INTEGRITYCopy !req
401. THIS FAMILY HAS LEFT.Copy !req
402. SO WHILE I'M WALKING
AROUND LAKE MICHIGAN,Copy !req
403. I'D LIKE YOU ALL TO THINK ABOUT
WHAT YOU'VE DONE.Copy !req
404. - DAD, WAIT!Copy !req
405. I'M SORRY.Copy !req
406. COME ON.Copy !req
407. IT'S ALL A TRICK.Copy !req
408. WE'RE STILL IN SAVANNAH.Copy !req
409. - OH, DIABOLICAL.Copy !req
410. - BY THE TIME THEY FIGURE OUT
WHAT HIT THEM,Copy !req
411. I'LL BE WEARING A GOLDEN TIARA.Copy !req
412. - COMING THROUGH.Copy !req
413. - THIS IS NOT BOOSTING MY BOOTY
OR TAMING MY TUMMY.Copy !req
414. PLEASE TELL ME
YOU DID NOT FORGET MY CONCEALER.Copy !req
415. - I BROUGHT EVERYTHING.Copy !req
416. - IF WE LOSE THIS THING
BECAUSE YOU FORGOT MY GUYLINER,Copy !req
417. THEN... OH, I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT I'LL DO!Copy !req
418. - FIVE MINUTES TILL SHOWTIME,
LADIES.Copy !req
419. AND GLENN-TLEMEN.Copy !req
420. - OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE MOMENT
EVERY BOY DREAMS OF!Copy !req
421. IT'S HAPPENING!Copy !req
422. - DRAMA QUEEN.Copy !req
423. - I MISS SAVANNAH.
- I MISS THE PAGEANT.Copy !req
424. - I MISS MAMA.Copy !req
425. - AAH,
SERVES US RIGHTCopy !req
426. FOR LETTING A SILLY COMPETITION
TEAR US APART.Copy !req
427. WELL, AS LONG AS WE'RE HERE,
WE MIGHT AS WELL SEECopy !req
428. WHY CHICAGO IS SO INFERIOR
TO NEW YORK.Copy !req
429. SO WHERE'S ALL THE WIND
AND THE IMPROV TROUPES?Copy !req
430. - MAN, IT'S HOT!Copy !req
431. - GET YER CHICAGO-STYLE BRATS!Copy !req
432. - DO I KNOW YOU?Copy !req
433. - YOU DON'T KNOW ME.Copy !req
434. I'M FROM CHICAGO,
LIKE MICHAEL DITKA.Copy !req
435. AAH.Copy !req
436. - OH MY GOD,
WE'RE STILL IN SAVANNAH!Copy !req
437. - THEY DOUBLE DOUBLE-CROSSED US!Copy !req
438. - OH, MY GOODNESS,
I'VE BEEN OUTED!Copy !req
439. - RENEE.Copy !req
440. - FORGIVE ME, GLENN.Copy !req
441. I HAVE FAILED THEE.Copy !req
442. HERE THEY COME.
THE VAPORS.Copy !req
443. - IF WE RUN, WE CAN STILL MAKE
THE PAGEANT, MOM.Copy !req
444. - MOM?Copy !req
445. - OH, RIGHT.
I SAID YOU COULD CALL ME THAT.Copy !req
446. - THANK YOU, PATEL GIRLS.Copy !req
447. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
I'M STEVE-O.Copy !req
448. WHILE WE'RE WAITING
FOR OUR NEXT ACT...Copy !req
449. WHAA!
AAH!Copy !req
450. - COME ON, MRS. MARTIN.Copy !req
451. - NEXT UP, WE KICK OFF
THE QUESTION AND ANSWER PORTIONCopy !req
452. WITH GLENN AND COURTNEY MARTIN.Copy !req
453. CHECK IT,
NAIL GUN.Copy !req
454. OH, HO-HO!Copy !req
455. - OW, RIGHT IN THE BOTOX.Copy !req
456. - OH, NO, MOM'S HERE.Copy !req
457. - DON'T WORRY ABOUT HER.Copy !req
458. YOU FOCUS ON THE QUESTION,
ALL RIGHT?Copy !req
459. LOOK AT ME.
LOOK AT ME.Copy !req
460. REMEMBER,
NO MATTER WHAT IT IS,Copy !req
461. BRING IT BACK TO WORLD PEACE
AND OCCUPIED PALESTINE.Copy !req
462. - MY FAMILY'S
AT THAT STUPID PAGEANT.Copy !req
463. SO WE HAVE ALL DAY TO,
YOU KNOW, DO STUFF TOGETHER.Copy !req
464. - I'M SURPRISED YOU'D EVEN WANT
TO COME BACKCopy !req
465. AFTER HOW MY SISTER TREATED YOU.Copy !req
466. YOU HAVE MY SOLEMN PLEDGE.Copy !req
467. I'D NEVER DO
THOSE THINGS TO YOU.Copy !req
468. - ARE YOU SURE?Copy !req
469. BECAUSE THERE'S CERTAIN PARTS
THAT I KINDA LIKED.Copy !req
470. - NO, SIR.Copy !req
471. WE'RE JUST GONNA SIT
AT ARM'S LENGTHCopy !req
472. AND JUST READ POETRY.Copy !req
473. I'LL MAKE SOME TEA.Copy !req
474. - I HOPE YOU LIKE
MINT MELANGE.Copy !req
475. CONOR!Copy !req
476. WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH MY SISTER, MAMA?Copy !req
477. - WAIT, THIS ISN'T YOU?Copy !req
478. I GOT ALL TURNED AROUND.Copy !req
479. IT'S THE BLIND THING.Copy !req
480. - COME, LET'S HITHER.Copy !req
481. - I'M HITHERING.
I'M HITHERING.Copy !req
482. OH, WOW.Copy !req
483. - CONOR,
AGAIN, THAT IS NOT ME.Copy !req
484. - WHOA, I MUST BE
ESPECIALLY BLIND TODAY.Copy !req
485. I FORGOT MY BLIND MAN'S STICK.Copy !req
486. - OH, CONOR,
I COULD JUST EAT YOU WHOLE.Copy !req
487. - BUT YOU'RE NOT GONNA, RIGHT?Copy !req
488. UH-OH.Copy !req
489. IS THAT ONE OF YOUR STOMACHS
GROWLING?Copy !req
490. - COURTNEY,Copy !req
491. HOW HAS THIS COMPETITION
STRENGTHENED YOUR RELATIONSHIPCopy !req
492. WITH YOUR MOTHER?Copy !req
493. - REMEMBER,
TWO-STATE SOLUTION.Copy !req
494. - MY MOTHER, UM...Copy !req
495. WELL, THAT'S AN INTERESTING
QUESTION, JACKASS.Copy !req
496. AHH.Copy !req
497. - DON'T ASK ME HOW I DID IT,Copy !req
498. BUT I GOT A BUCKET
OF GOAT'S BLOOD READY TO GO.Copy !req
499. - NO, LET HER HAVE HER MOMENT.Copy !req
500. COME ON, COURTNEY.Copy !req
501. - THE BEST WAY
TO TALK ABOUT MY MOTHERCopy !req
502. IS TO TALK ABOUT THE CONFLICT
IN THE MIDDLE EAST.Copy !req
503. - YOU CAN DO THIS, HONEY.Copy !req
504. - YOU KNOW WHAT,
SCREW THE MIDDLE EAST.Copy !req
505. THIS PAGEANT HAS BEEN TERRIBLE
FOR MY MOTHER AND ME.Copy !req
506. IN FACT, STEVE-O,Copy !req
507. I KIND OF POISONED HER
AND STABBED HER IN THE BACK.Copy !req
508. - SWEET.
DID YOU TAPE IT?Copy !req
509. - JUDGE, I OBJECT.Copy !req
510. - THIS IS HIGHLY UNUSUAL,
BUT I'LL ALLOW IT.Copy !req
511. - IT'S FUNNY.Copy !req
512. IT TOOK AN MISOGYNISTIC,
OUTDATED EVENTCopy !req
513. FROM THE EISENHOWER ERACopy !req
514. TO SHOW ME HOW MUCH I HAD
IN COMMON WITH MY OWN MOTHER.Copy !req
515. WE'RE BOTH STUBBORN,
COMPETITIVE,Copy !req
516. AND DYNAMITE LOOKING.Copy !req
517. I LOVE YOU, MOMMY.Copy !req
518. - OH, I LOVE YOU, COURTNEY!Copy !req
519. - JUDGE, DO SOMETHING!Copy !req
520. - ORDER!Copy !req
521. I WILL NOT HAVE THIS MOTHER-
FATHER-DAUGHTER BEAUTY CONTESTCopy !req
522. TURNED INTO A MOCKERY.Copy !req
523. BOTH TEAMS ARE DISQUALIFIED.Copy !req
524. - DISQUALIFIED?Copy !req
525. - I HAVE LET RENEE
PLUCK FAR TOO MUCH HAIRCopy !req
526. IN FAR TOO MANY PLACES!Copy !req
527. - BAILIFF!Copy !req
528. - NO, YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER!Copy !req
529. THIS WHOLE STINKING PAGEANT
IS OUT OF ORDER!Copy !req
530. - HELP!Copy !req
531. SHE'S GONNA EAT ME!Copy !req
532. - WHOA!Copy !req
533. - MINE.Copy !req
534. - CONOR.Copy !req
535. WHOA.Copy !req
536. - I'M SO GLAD
THIS IS BEHIND US, MOM.Copy !req
537. - ME TOO.Copy !req
538. LET'S NEVER LET A PAGEANT
COME BETWEEN US AGAIN.Copy !req
539. - OH!Copy !req
540. WHAT DID I DO
TO DESERVE THIS?Copy !req