Glee 1x5

1. Here's what happened last week: Quinn told Finn...

2. - I'm pregnant. - But she didn't tell him that he's not the father.

3. Puck is. - What's up, milf?

4. Can you believe that? - Wow.

5. But that's not the only baby drama. Terri says she's pregnant but really she's faking.

6. And Mr. Schuester doesn't know. - Oh my God!

7. Also, Rachel quit the glee club, because Sue got Sandy

8. to come back to direct a musical.

9. And that's what you missed on... Glee!

10. Quinn, you OK?

11. I think she just had a bad breakfast burrito.

12. Can we please talk about the giant elephant in the room?

13. Your sexuality?

14. - Rachel. We can't do it without her. - That's not true.

15. We may have to layer Santana Mercedes

16. over Quinn's solo, but... we'll be fine.

17. Maybe for the invitationals, but not for the sectionals

18. and certainly not the regionals.

19. The wheelchair kid's right.

20. That Rachel chick wants me wanna light myself on fire, but she can sing.

21. Rachel left, guys. She's gone.

22. If we want to make this thing work, we can't look back.

23. Alright, take five minutes.

24. Mr. Shue?

25. I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but

26. with all the dancing around that Quinn's doing,

27. I'm kind of worried about the baby.

28. Yeah.

29. Yeah, I get it.

30. Um...

31. how about I give Tina a few of her verses, okay?

32. Okay.

33. You think you might want to

34. tell your mom about what's going on?

35. I think I'd rather handle it myself right now.

36. My mom's got enough to worry about.

37. How come you haven't had any morning sickness?

38. Quinn Fabray has been upchucking every 15 minutes.

39. Really?

40. That's a really good sign.

41. That means the baby's not a Mongoloid.

42. Well, is it bad that you haven't been sick then?

43. Oh, no, honey, no, no.

44. You should ask Howard Bamboo

45. about my Linda Blair impersonations

46. every half hour at work.

47. I don't know what I'm gonna do about this whole Rachel thing.

48. Hey. Would you like anything else?

49. Another piece of grasshopper pie.

50. What, are you going for the record?

51. I'm with child.

52. Hey, did you go to McKinley High?

53. I think I had you in my Spanish class.

54. Yeah, like, five years ago.

55. I go to Carmel now.

56. How is that possible?

57. You must be 22.

58. Twenty-four.

59. I'm a sixth-year senior.

60. They keep failing me so I can stay in Vocal Adrenaline.

61. They fail you on purpose?

62. Yeah. Is that legal?

63. I'm the only one who can do the triple flip.

64. Yeah. Hey, how about that other piece of pie?

65. How about it.

66. Honey, are you all right?

67. Yeah.

68. Fine.

69. So... have I done something wrong... or...?

70. Oh, no. No, no. Absolutely not.

71. No, um, actually,

72. I've just, um, taken a special interest in you.

73. Look, I know sometimes that life can come at you pretty fast,

74. and, uh, you reach a point

75. where you might just need a little, um,

76. special guidance.

77. Has someone told you something about my personal life?

78. No. Mm-mm.

79. Can you keep a secret?

80. But, you know, there are very few students

81. that ever get athletic scholarships.

82. Okay? But there are a lot of schools that give full rides

83. to students who excel in music.

84. Students like yourself.

85. And I don't know, maybe if you were able to go to college,

86. you wouldn't, say, end up stuck in this town

87. in a dead-end job living hand- to-mouth with a wife and a kid

88. you never intended to have, you know?

89. For example.

90. That's just something off the top of my head.

91. So you think if I stuck with Glee

92. that I could get a scholarship?

93. It's definitely a possibility.

94. You know? And if you did well at regionals,

95. maybe you could, um, generate some interest.

96. But we lost Rachel.

97. Do you think we can do it without her?

98. Sure.

99. Do you think we can win regionals without Rachel?

100. Well, remember the Jamaican bobsled team?

101. Big long shots.

102. Definitely.

103. But if you're concerned about your future

104. and, um, those who may be a part of your future soon,

105. um, maybe you could just give Rachel a talk.

106. You know, see if you can get her to come back.

107. How does it feel to be just a sophomore

108. and get the lead in the school musical?

109. It's an honor.

110. Frankly, one I feel I've earned.

111. If there's anything I've learned in my 16 years on the stage,

112. it's that stars are rare,

113. and when they're found, you have to let them shine.

114. Show me your bra.

115. You mean the one I'm wearing?

116. Quid pro quo, Rachel.

117. If you want a good review,

118. show me your over the shoulder boulder holder.

119. No way. You can't do that.

120. My performance will stand on its own.

121. Besides, no one reads the school paper, anyway.

122. Oh, but I'll post my scathing review online.

123. You'll be finished on the high school stage.

124. Now, get those sweater puppies out of their cashmere cage.

125. Sorry I'm late.

126. My Vespa had a flat.

127. Give me a minute and I will be ready for my interview.

128. We're actually not gonna need any quotes from you

129. for the article, Mr. Ryerson.

130. Do the right thing.

131. All the great actresses take their clothes off.

132. Well, I have no problem with nudity.

133. Let me tell you about

134. my planned production of Equus.

135. Have you ever hung out at a stable?

136. Hey, what are you doing? Nothing. Uh, just...

137. getting the star treatment I didn't get in Glee.

138. Totally.

139. It's times like this where I know

140. I've chosen the right path.

141. I'm never going back to Glee.

142. It's clear my talent is too big for an ensemble.

143. Not gonna get an argument from me.

144. I'm not?

145. No. You're, like, the most talented person I know.

146. Even more than that guy at the mall who can juggle chain saws.

147. I just wanted to let you know

148. that if you need someone to run lines with,

149. I'm available.

150. Th- There is a lot of dialogue.

151. I figured...

152. we could go somewhere quiet,

153. maybe with low lighting and...

154. Let me know.

155. I could get fired for this.

156. She was a student 15 years ago.

157. No one is gonna care.

158. Okay.

159. I-I knew it.

160. She never graduated.

161. She-she quit with, like, three credits to go.

162. Yeah, I, um, I saw her picture in the folder.

163. Pretty.

164. Pretty?

165. Mm.

166. April Rhodes was a goddess.

167. The most talented performer

168. in McKinley Glee Club history.

169. When she sang,

170. it was mesmerizing.

171. She was my first crush.

172. I was a freshman, she was a senior.

173. Wait, hold on, 'cause I thought you said

174. your wife was your first crush.

175. Well, yeah, that's because

176. April didn't even look at me.

177. Aw, crap, there's no forwarding address.

178. S-So then you've-you've had

179. feelings for someone other than your wife.

180. Emma, I'd love to play This Is Your Life,

181. but Lord Google demands my attention.

182. Okay, just wait-wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

183. Um, reaching back into your past is

184. a dangerous business, okay?

185. People can change.

186. They can, um, disappoint you...

187. I think I can handle it.

188. I thought I could, too. Just hear me out, hear me out.

189. A few years ago, I started an online flirtation

190. with a high school flame Andy.

191. Things got weird, and I called it off.

192. And two months later...

193. Versace was dead.

194. Dead.

195. Okay.

196. April Rhodes... Ohio.

197. Oh! She has a MySpace page.

198. (whispers): Oh, God.

199. Oh, and here's a link to her own personal Web site.

200. She's online.

201. "Hi, April. (typing)

202. "Not sure if you remember me,

203. but my name is Will Schuester."

204. "35 Bontempo Road, between 2:00 and 3:00.

205. Bring buffalo wings."

206. April.

207. Hello.

208. Are you Will?

209. Y-You remember me?

210. (slurred): Mm. No, but I don't remember breakfast.

211. Come on in.

212. So, did I sleep with you?

213. Uh, I was a freshman when you were a senior.

214. So, did I sleep with you?

215. No.

216. Can I get you a drink?

217. I just cracked open

218. a fresh box of wine.

219. This is a-a great place you have.

220. Uh, looks like you're doing well for yourself.

221. I get about five or six appointments on a good day

222. from my World Wide Web page,

223. so I do okay for myself.

224. Why don't you have a seat, take off that jacket,

225. and I'm gonna slip into something

226. a little more comfortable.

227. So, this is a beautiful five-bedroom

228. with wood-burning fireplace and—

229. You.

230. This is the third time

231. this week.

232. Who are you? I'm Sandra with Oakcrest Realty.

233. And she is a squatter.

234. This is a bank- owned property.

235. The owners foreclosed

236. six months ago.

237. Let me just get my vino,

238. and I'll be out of your hair.

239. Hold that.

240. Oh, okay.

241. Just...

242. Nice place.

243. Can I ask you a question?

244. Yeah.

245. What happened to you, April?

246. In high school, you were really going places.

247. You had a voice like a dream; everyone loved you.

248. Oh.

249. Oh, I hitched my star to the wrong wagon.

250. Me and my high school sweetheart Vinny were convinced

251. we were going to be stars, so we dropped out of school

252. and hitchhiked our way to the Broadway.

253. Then we ended up in Cleveland slinging hash

254. at Ralph's Bait Shop and Waffle House.

255. Then Ralph had an affair with Vinny.

256. I had a set of mixed-race twins.

257. And those were the good times.

258. April... I think your struggle is really moving.

259. And I want to help you get back on your feet.

260. I happen to know that you're only

261. three credits shy of your diploma.

262. I can put you in my Spanish class.

263. And...

264. I know you're an amazing singer.

265. I want you to be in the glee club.

266. We'll get you sobered up...

267. find you some underwear.

268. It's not too late for you, April.

269. What do you say?

270. Guys, I'd like to introduce you to someone very special.

271. This is April Rhodes.

272. She's our newest member.

273. Wait, so old people can join Glee Club now?

274. Old, huh?

275. You guys look like the world's worst Benetton ad.

276. Mr. Schuester,

277. this seems like a terrible idea.

278. April is a great singer.

279. And she never graduated.

280. We appreciate what you're trying to do,

281. but she's no Rachel.

282. Who's Rachel?

283. Sh-She's kind of our star.

284. Your star, eh?

285. Well, where is she?

286. She left.

287. To be the lead in Cabaret.

288. Hey, Tinkles, give me "Maybe This Time" in B flat.

289. And don't let me catch you snoozing.

290. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

291. So, if I were to say, "I'm going to Mexico

292. for the day," would I use "por" or "para"?

293. April.

294. Para.

295. Por.

296. Oh.

297. I guess I better pour myself

298. another Crantini.

299. I'm just kidding.

300. It's hot chocolate.

301. All right, remember, guys, oral reports Wednesday.

302. April, can I talk to you for a second?

303. I'm sorry, Will.

304. The old noodle just ain't what she used to be.

305. I huffed a lot of upholstery cleaner in the '90s.

306. Look, April,

307. I've been, uh, talking to the glee kids,

308. and, um, I think they're still

309. not so sure about having you around.

310. You draw a lot of attention to yourself.

311. And they're embarrassed enough as it is.

312. So do you think you could maybe

313. take some time and try to win them over?

314. Yeah.

315. Mm, smells like my Aunt Mildred.

316. Just drink it.

317. Sweet.

318. With a bit of an afterburny taste.

319. Oh, good Chablis should always have a little bite.

320. Now, a few swigs of that every day before school,

321. and you'll have all the courage you need to be yourself.

322. Really? Oh, yeah.

323. That's fantastic.

324. Mm, so is my primo collection

325. of vintage muscle magazines.

326. Want them?

327. Mr. Schuester, I changed my mind.

328. April should stay.

329. I worship her.

330. Oh, no, you got to be more natural.

331. I c-can't do this.

332. I don't understand why we're doing this in the first place.

333. Your lack of imagination astounds me.

334. This is only the beginning.

335. If you can master this,

336. you can sneak anything out of a store between your knees.

337. Shoes, prom dresses.

338. I once got a cake out of a kid's birthday party.

339. With the candles still lit.

340. Are you sure?

341. She can stay.

342. T-T-Totally.

343. Don't tickle me.

344. This is terrible.

345. This is a disaster.

346. I'm gonna barf.

347. No, no, no, no, no!

348. I don't know what you want.

349. Well, I know what I don't want.

350. And it is all of this.

351. When I gave you this part, I thought you could handle it,

352. but clearly you can't.

353. What this show needs

354. is a star with a little bit more maturity.

355. I know what you're trying to do.

356. You're trying to get me to quit, so you can be the star.

357. Well, it won't work.

358. I'm not going anywhere.

359. I'll say.

360. I'm sleeping with him. So am I.

361. This play's weird.

362. That's Mr. Ryerson's favorite line.

363. You're a really good actor, Finn.

364. Maybe you should consider joining the musical.

365. I'm pretty devoted to Glee.

366. I don't think I could just walk away from it.

367. I know how hard it was for you.

368. But I could justify doing both

369. if you came back.

370. But we both know that's not gonna happen.

371. Do you know what we should do?

372. Elope? What?

373. Nothing.

374. We should go bowling.

375. You're always so stressed out about the play.

376. You just need to loosen up.

377. I always go bowling whenever I'm worked up

378. about a big game or something.

379. Just us?

380. Yeah.

381. Yeah, that-that-that would be great.

382. I-I am really stressed out.

383. But that's the price you pay for being a star.

384. Don't I know it.

385. Hey, achel.

386. April Rhodes, Rachel Berry.

387. Hey, can you give us the room, Rachel?

388. We need to teach April the cues for "Don't Stop Believing."

389. Wait, she's singing the female lead?

390. Wait, she's in the glee club?

391. She's... ancient.

392. Talent doesn't age, sweetheart.

393. That's Rachel's part, Mr. Shue.

394. Well, Rachel's not in the glee club anymore.

395. Thanks, Finn.

396. Rachel...

397. We're all really excited to see the play.

398. Make sure you save us a seat in the front row.

399. Kurt?

400. (echoing): Hi.

401. Kurt, I'm a girl who knows her solvents,

402. and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol.

403. Oh, Bambi.

404. I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy.

405. Hey, Em. Just trying to figure out the set list

406. for Saturday.

407. I just got back from the emergency room.

408. Had them give me four decontamination showers.

409. I think they call that "the full Silkwood."

410. What happened?

411. Kurt was drunk and he ralphed on me.

412. Not really fessing up to how he got the booze just yet,

413. but I'm pretty sure it's not a fake ID,

414. because he looks like an 11-year-old milkmaid.

415. Will, I think it was April.

416. Her backpack's always clinking with empties.

417. I'm so sorry.

418. I-I will, I'll talk to him.

419. Okay.

420. I'm, um,

421. I'm a little bit worried

422. about the glee club.

423. So am I... I mean... (sighs)

424. if we don't place at regionals, it-it's all over.

425. We have obligations as teachers, Will,

426. to give kids opportunities for growth

427. and enrichment.

428. With April in Glee,

429. you're taking away a kid's chance to grow,

430. and you're giving it to someone

431. whose brain is soaked in corn booze.

432. April's not finished, Emma.

433. And if Glee's gonna win, I need to give her a second chance.

434. She is a talented performer

435. and I really think that the kids are going to learn

436. a lot of valuable technique from her.

437. Okay.

438. But I think you need to think about...

439. why you're doing this

440. and what you're willing to sacrifice to get it.

441. (slow, distorted): You...

442. suck!

443. (sympathetically): Oh...

444. Rough day at the office, cookie?

445. I've just got a lot on my plate.

446. It's not easy being in the spotlight.

447. It's the difficult road I've chosen.

448. Yeah.

449. I know that song, sister.

450. Um, do you have any NyQuil?

451. I could use a little pick-me-up.

452. No.

453. These high school boys are a lot hotter than they used to be.

454. That Finn Hudson is one cutie pie I gots my eye on.

455. Finn's taken, April.

456. Yeah, well, some guys like

457. a little somethin'-somethin' on the side.

458. I think your behavior is totally inappropriate

459. and your presence in this school is a complete travesty.

460. What you choose to do with your life is your own business,

461. but don't go around screwing up everyone else's.

462. I'm not afraid of you, sweetie.

463. There was a time when I was the biggest star around here.

464. And now that I've got that back...

465. I'm never letting it go.

466. Do I have to put my fingers in the holes?

467. Couldn't there be diseases in there or something?

468. Oh, no. Ball sharing's all part of the fun.

469. Here, use the pink one.

470. Pink's your favorite color, right?

471. Follow my lead.

472. Okay, so...

473. Just look at the pins.

474. Nice and straight.

475. You sure this is your first time?

476. Oh, ho-ho! April!

477. Woo-hoo! I-I...

478. You see what you can accomplish when you're sober?

479. Sober? I'm rolling on a fistful of horse tranquilizers.

480. I can't feel my lips. (laughing)

481. Oh, you know...

482. I think I'm going to keep these shoes.

483. April...

484. I brought you here because I need to talk to you.

485. Okay.

486. I'm concerned that you're a bad influence on the glee club.

487. I can't have you around if you're going to continue

488. to encourage them to make bad choices.

489. Well, you're right, Will.

490. As of right now, I'm back on the wagon.

491. Really?

492. That's great. (laughing)

493. I have to tell you something.

494. I was in awe of you in high school.

495. I mean, of all the roads I never traveled in my life,

496. the one I regret the most was never...

497. getting the chance to sing with you.

498. Really?

499. Yeah. I mean, that's how you get better, you know?

500. Singing with people who are better than you.

501. You really thought that much of me?

502. April...

503. You are the reason I joined Glee Club.

504. No...

505. Um...

506. So, your dream was always to sing with me, huh?

507. Yeah.

508. Well, then, come on.

509. What? Come on!

510. Hey, April, karaoke's on Wednesdays— tonight's bingo.

511. Shut your gravy hole, Barry.

512. Hey, guys,

513. uh, happy gambling.

514. Here we go.

515. This is really good pizza.

516. Yeah. I think they import the pepperoni

517. from, like, Michigan or something.

518. How's Glee?

519. Oh, well, everybody misses you.

520. They miss my talent.

521. No, no. We're your friends.

522. We just miss having you around.

523. I love Glee, I just...

524. don't see the point in wasting my energies

525. on someplace that I'm not appreciated.

526. I appreciate you.

527. It's your last ball.

528. Just like the first time,

529. but better.

530. Come back to Glee.

531. What about Quinn?

532. I don't know what's going to happen in the future.

533. I just know that I want to spend more time with you now.

534. I'll-I'll have to quit the play.

535. I'll do it!

536. Maybe Quinn is lactose intolerant.

537. That doesn't explain all the crying.

538. Maybe she just doesn't like the group.

539. Are you all that stupid?

540. Seriously?

541. I bet you thought Bert and Ernie were just roommates.

542. Maybe Quinn's got one in the oven.

543. Who's the baby's daddy?

544. Who do you think?

545. Finn.

546. Yes, you've heard right— I am returning to Glee Club.

547. In lieu of flowers, please send all donations

548. to a socially conscious charity of your choice.

549. This is a hot damn mess.

550. Oh, my God.

551. Uh, I'm sorry; I thought I'd be welcomed back

552. with a tad more enthusiasm.

553. Sorry, Glee Club has just been rocked with its first scandal.

554. Quinn's knocked up.

555. And the baby daddy?

556. Finn.

557. I just wanted to drop off the application for that scholarship

558. you were telling me about.

559. I got Rachel to come back to Glee,

560. so, I figure we have a real shot at it.

561. I'm so proud of you.

562. See what you can accomplish

563. when you set your mind to it?

564. Finn!

565. You're a liar.

566. Why didn't you tell me Quinn was pregnant?

567. Who told you? Everyone knows but me.

568. I'm the only fool who went out with you and let you kiss me,

569. thinking you actually had feelings for me.

570. But I-I do.

571. Look, yeah, I haven't been totally honest with you,

572. but that's different than lying.

573. Well, maybe it's not that much different, but...

574. but look, I need to get a music scholarship,

575. so I can go to college,

576. so I can get a good job, so I can take care of my kid

577. and I can't do that if you don't come back to Glee Club.

578. You should take it as a compliment.

579. You could have just been honest with me.

580. Look, I know what I did was wrong.

581. I get that, but... that kiss was real.

582. Whatever it was, it ruined any chance

583. of me ever coming back to Glee.

584. I hope you have fun playing house with Quinn

585. while you languish in your little ensemble,

586. but my dreams are bigger than that

587. and they're bigger than you.

588. Miss Sylvester.

589. We need to talk.

590. If you'd like to to return to the musical,

591. changes need to be made.

592. Well, Rachel, I couldn't agree with you more.

593. You know, when I heard

594. Sandy wanted to write himself into a scene as Queen Cleopatra,

595. I was aroused, then furious.

596. I hereby grant you complete artistic control.

597. Congratulations, kiddo.

598. You now have everything you could possibly want.

599. Isn't it a great feeling?

600. The house is packed— you guys are going to kick butt tonight.

601. Your first performance in front of a real audience.

602. I can't wait. You guys are going to love it.

603. Where-Where's April?

604. Yee-haw!

605. (laughing) Right on cue, as usual.

606. Hey, roller-boy. Handsome.

607. Oh, I like that color.

608. Have you been working on the, uh, moves we talked...

609. You've got something right there, on your...

610. Uh, oh...

611. Honk!

612. There's my boy. Are you drunk?

613. You promised me you'd sober up for this.

614. When? Last night?

615. Well, I was drunk. You can't hold me to that.

616. Hit it, knuckles.

617. April Rhodes almost ran me over in the parking lot just now, Will.

618. You can't let her go on in her condition.

619. There is an auditorium full of people waiting

620. to see us perform

621. and if she doesn't go on, none of the kids can.

622. Wow. It's really great how committed you are to these kids.

623. Now, ladies and gentlemen,

624. please welcome McKinley High School's New Directions.

625. Whoo!

626. Whoo!

627. I need to talk to you.

628. Sorry. Baby had to tinkle. Come on. Act two.

629. No, I can't let you go back out there.

630. You broke a promise.

631. You're right.

632. It's a great moment for me, but it didn't feel right.

633. I don't belong up there.

634. But everybody deserves their moment

635. in the spotlight, you know, to shine?

636. Oh, I got that standing ovation, Will.

637. And it felt amazing.

638. Like every bad decision I'd ever made just went away.

639. I was back in the game.

640. But then I look over and I see these sweet faces of these kids

641. and I think...

642. "I'm hogging their sunshine.

643. It's their turn now, not yours."

644. They're so lucky to have you, Will,

645. because you won't let what happened to me

646. ever happen to any of them.

647. So, where you gonna go?

648. Well, um...

649. I'm going to straighten up.

650. Maybe try to find a new dream.

651. You know, I always loved the Broadway.

652. "The Broadway"? (both laugh)

653. Do you think there's a part out there

654. for a washed-up has-been like me?

655. April, you are not washed-up.

656. And hey, there's always Branson.

657. Will, Will, Will.

658. Thank you.

659. Oh... (wry laugh)

660. No, no, no.

661. Thank you.

662. Branson, eh?

663. They loved us! We're a hit.

664. Wh-Wh-Where's April?

665. You were right, Mr. Shue.

666. She'd massacre Mariah in a diva-off.

667. April is amazing.

668. But she's not in the glee club anymore.

669. It...

670. I, uh...

671. I screwed up bringing her here.

672. It was about me and Glee Club is supposed to be about you guys.

673. You don't need her to be great.

674. But we need her for the second act.

675. I'll just have to go out there

676. and tell them we had to cut the show short.

677. Hey, guys.

678. You were great.

679. Don't worry.

680. There will be other performances.

681. Excuse me?

682. I think I might have a solution.

683. In show business, when a star can't perform,

684. her understudy steps in.

685. I'd be happy to go in for April, if you'd let me.

686. Since when are you willing to be an understudy?

687. Since I quit the play.

688. Really? Why?

689. I realized being a star didn't make me feel

690. as special as being your friend.

691. If I'd let you down when you needed me the most,

692. I'd never forgive myself.

693. I know all the words to the song.

694. You don't know the choreography.

695. Then we're going to have to give her a lot of help out there.

696. Go get in your costume.