Glee 1x18

1. what happened last week: Kurt found a video

2. of Sue, and the glee club posted it online.

3. You, my friend, are an embarrassment.

4. Then somebody made a "glist" of who in the glee club

5. was the naughtiest, so Rachel tried to seem like a bad girl

6. by doing a video with Finn, Puck and Jessie,

7. but mostly it just hurt their feelings

8. and the song was really, really bad.

9. with Shelby Corcoran and that, one time,

10. April Rhodes spent the night,

11. which totally hurt Emma's feelings.

12. I'm through with you.

13. And that's what you missed on Glee.

14. Who is that guy?

15. My mom found a mole on my head

16. when she was washing my hair on Friday.

17. Your mom still washes your hair?

18. She started crying about sun block

19. and how she's always telling me

20. to wear a hat when I'm cleaning pools.

21. So, she made me go see Dr. Friedlander, the dermatologist.

22. He said he had to shave my head to get a closer look at it.

23. It was nothing— they maimed me over a freaking freckle!

24. I feel like that guy that lost all his hair,

25. then lost all his strength.

26. Samson? Agassi.

27. This morning, people actually had the balls

28. to look me in the eye.

29. I mean, it's just a Mohawk, right?

30. I'm still Puckasaurus.

31. Actually, I don't know if it's

32. the missing Mohawk or the whining,

33. but I am totally not turned on by you right now.

34. You got a problem?

35. Clearly, you're not a follower

36. of my LarryHair account on Twitter.

37. We've been tweeting all day about your new look.

38. You're like a toddler with a loose lid on his sippy cup.

39. No more juice.

40. Get ready for payback, Puckerman.

41. All right.

42. I'm human garbage.

43. I should just lie here until the truck comes

44. and let it crush me to death.

45. What's the point of living when I suck so bad?

46. Wait a second.

47. That black chick from Glee Club used to suck,

48. and now she's all kinds of popular.

49. If she can straighten herself out, I certainly can.

50. But how?

51. I'm not becoming a Cheerio.

52. Wait—

53. I don't need to be a cheerleader,

54. I just need to date one.

55. whose name I can't remembe right now,

56. the Puckster is about to make you his.

57. Um... wait, what are these?

58. My vitamin supplements.

59. I'm taking them three times a day.

60. I'm exhausted.

61. I even felt a tickle in the back of my throat,

62. and I never get sick.

63. Well, I just don't understand why you're so tired

64. all of a sudden. Because every song I sing in here is a solo.

65. As you know, I have perfect pitch,

66. which also means I have a very sensitive ear.

67. None of them were singing.

68. I knew I needed proof, so I had a little talk

69. with Lauren Zizes, president of the AV club.

70. Bug the choir room?

71. I'm almost offended by the simplicity of the request.

72. Just tell me you can do it, Zizes.

73. The microphones would have to be hidden.

74. Who's this guy? Who's this guy?

75. It'll cost you two boxes of Mallomars for me

76. and Snicker bars for my workers.

77. Take it or leave it, Berry.

78. Here are the glee club members

79. who are not pulling their weight.

80. This is half the club.

81. Oh, man.

82. Hey, sugar. Listen.

83. I got a proposition to make.

84. I did some research.

85. Blacks and Jews have a history of sticking up for each other.

86. And Wikipedia says

87. that King Martin Luther loved the Jews.

88. Okay, you just said like ten offensive things.

89. My point is, you're popular now.

90. And I got to be honest—

91. I need to spice up my image a little.

92. We should join forces.

93. It wouldn't take much.

94. Just a little light making out.

95. And I like a girl with curves.

96. You got to admit, I'm easy on the eyes.

97. Baby, I just am not attracted to you.

98. Plus, I know what you do to the girls you date.

99. You knock them up, and then you hang them out to dry.

100. Quinn and I weren't dating. She was dating someone else.

101. We just did the nasty.

102. And she understood you can't tie me down.

103. I'm a sex shark.

104. If I stop moving, I die.

105. Okay, I'm going to ask you to stop,

106. because I'm starting to get embarrassed for you.

107. You and me would not work out.

108. We have nothing in common.

109. You're Top 40.

110. I'm rhythm and blues.

111. I am very disappointed in you guys.

112. Can't believe you narced on us.

113. Don't get mad at me for exposing your laziness.

114. I'm tired of carrying all of your weight.

115. Regionals is in a month, guys. I'm just trying

116. to understand what's going on here.

117. Finn, why did you stop singing?

118. 'Cause you started giving all the male leads to Jessie.

119. It kind of shook my confidence, you know?

120. What difference does it make?

121. Everyone knows that my job here is to look hot.

122. My baby hormones are making me moody.

123. There are so many lyrics.

124. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.

125. A glee club is about a myriad of voices

126. coming together as one.

127. All right?

128. This ends now.

129. Which is why your assignment for the week

130. is for each of you to come up with a song

131. that best represents how you see yourself—

132. where you are in your lives right now.

133. Your voice.

134. Then...

135. you're going to stand up here and sing your hearts out.

136. All of you.

137. Solos?

138. In front of everyone? The Glee Club

139. has lost its voice.

140. It's time for us to get it back.

141. I am going to kill this assignment.

142. If there's one thing that I know, it's my voice.

143. I have exactly the same vocal range

144. as 16th century castrato Orlando di Lasso.

145. But you know what he didn't have?

146. A song by Ms. Whitney Houston in his back pocket.

147. Hey, Kurt!

148. Dad? What are you doing here?

149. Is everything okay?

150. Oh, I'm here to pick up Finn.

151. I got a pair of tickets to the Reds game,

152. and Carole said that Finn's never been a major league game.

153. I mean, it's Cincinnati, so it's barely the major leagues,

154. but still.

155. And why wasn't I invited?

156. Are you kidding me?

157. Every time I sit down to watch a game, you start in on the fact

158. that all the players are wearing stirrup pants.

159. Because there's never an excuse for stirrup pants!

160. Okay, I'm ready. All right,

161. I'll meet you by the car. Okay.

162. This is gonna be so great.

163. It's gonna be great for Finn.

164. It means a lot to his mom, too.

165. Hey, I'll see you at home. I'll be home around midnight.

166. Girl, you got more curves than a Nissan ad.

167. Seriously?

168. That's what you came up with?

169. All right, guys.

170. Let's get things started.

171. As I was first on the sign-up sheet,

172. I'll kick things off. Okay.

173. I have chosen Miley Cyrus' "The Climb,"

174. because it's about overcoming obstacles and beating the odds.

175. In my case, the obstacle is you—

176. my lackluster teammates

177. who refuse to carry their own weight.

178. Rachel...

179. I think you've lost your voice.

180. ell ringing) Hey, Ladyface.

181. I noticed you weren't at Cheerios! practice yesterday,

182. and I don't look kindly on absenteeism.

183. I'm so sorry, Ms. Sylvester.

184. It won't happen again.

185. Something happened yesterday that really upset me.

186. It's my dad.

187. He's the most important thing in the world to me.

188. I love him.

189. And I'm afraid that I might be losing him

190. because of... my... sexuality.

191. Your sexuality.

192. How old are you, 16?

193. Have you even kissed a boy?

194. No.

195. Have you ever kissed a girl? No.

196. Well, then how can you possibly know what you like?

197. You see, that's the problem with your generation.

198. You're obsessed with labels.

199. So you like show tunes!

200. Doesn't mean you're gay.

201. It just means you're awful.

202. You know, there's only

203. one person in this world who can tell you what you are.

204. Me.

205. No. Me. Sue Sylvester.

206. And she hasn't quite made up her mind about you.

207. Wait— I have an idea.

208. Our assignment for Glee Club is to find a song

209. that reflects our voice...

210. Yeah, you know what? I checked out

211. of this conversation about a minute back.

212. So, uh, good luck with your troubles,

213. and I'm gonna make a habit

214. not to stop and talk to students,

215. 'cause this has been a colossal waste of my time.

216. Hey, Kurt...

217. you want to speak me?

218. Hey, Dad, yeah... I was just, uh,

219. working on my Glee Club assignment,

220. "Pink Houses" by John Mellencamp.

221. Oh, really?

222. I didn't think that was in your wheelhouse.

223. Yeah, I think it's really brave for a Midwesterner like himself

224. to, uh, write a song about such bold interior design.

225. You know, that's not what the song's about.

226. Really?

227. No, it's about how the '80s were a tough time for a lot of people

228. and how the American Dream isn't all it's cracked up to be.

229. Hmm.

230. Fascinating.

231. Hey, why don't we go grab

232. a couple burgers and, uh, you can tell me

233. more about it? Sure.

234. But I gotta be honest,

235. that's pretty much what every Mellencamp song is about.

236. But you know what? I'll get my coat.

237. Anything to help you out.

238. What if he says I'll never sing again?

239. I mean, who am I without my voice?

240. I'm just this spoiled, annoying only child...

241. Don't say that.

242. There's, like, so many awesome things about you.

243. Like?

244. Look, he's not gonna say you'll never sing again.

245. Bad news, Rachel, you'll probably never sing again.

246. I'm kidding. You have severe tonsillitis,

247. which has resulted in an inner ear infection.

248. From the looks of things, it's not the first time.

249. You should have had them out years ago. Why should I let you

250. butcher my throat, when just resting my voice for a week

251. and chugging down herbal tea will do the same job?

252. This is a very serious infection.

253. I think she's worried

254. about the surgery affecting her singing voice.

255. At least start by taking

256. these antibiotics.

257. Unless you think they're going

258. to adversely affect your dance moves.

259. What do you think I should do?

260. Maybe you should ask your boyfriend.

261. Oh, wait, you can't, He's not here.

262. He's in San Diego on spring break

263. with his friends from Vocal Adrenaline.

264. When are you gonna realize that

265. he's not into you like I am?

266. You think he's gonna stick around if you can't sing?

267. If you're a vocal cripple?

268. Look, I know that you've always been jealous of Jessie.

269. And even though he and I haven't spoken

270. since the "Run Joey Run" debacle,

271. you just have to accept the fact

272. that I still care about him deeply.

273. And I know he still feels the same way about me.

274. Nice work!

275. Now that— that is the kind of

276. soul-exposing song I was talking about.

277. We should all be inspired by Finn's bravery.

278. Good job, buddy.

279. Uh, Mr. Shue, can I sing my song now?

280. Yeah. Just go for it, Puck.

281. What are they doing here?

282. I invited my brothers from the jazz band

283. and their righteous horns to help me out with my song.

284. Since I shaved my Mohawk,

285. I started seeing things differently.

286. Last week, I joined a black church,

287. and I recently downloaded every song Sammy Davis Jr.

288. ever recorded on iTunes.

289. He was a black Jew, you know. And my inspiration.

290. So, without further ado, I give you one of Sammy's biggest hits.

291. Look, Quinn,

292. I could never see myself being into a guy like Puck,

293. especially since he's your baby's daddy, but...

294. something just happened between us.

295. I say... go for it.

296. What? Look...

297. I screwed up by letting Puck get me pregnant.

298. He's an idiot, and his mother won't let me eat bacon.

299. I'm stuck living with him right now,

300. but at least, if you guys are dating,

301. I won't have to spend so much time listening

302. to his insane theories

303. on how Super Mario Brothers changed civilization.

304. But you do realize

305. he's using you and your popularity

306. so he won't get tossed in a Dumpster.

307. I know he's using me,

308. but in a way, it's even better.

309. I'm not you.

310. I've never had a guy like me for anything, but now

311. I'm such a steaming mug of hot chocolate

312. that one of the studliest guys in school wants

313. to use me to harvest some mojo.

314. I just don't want you getting hurt.

315. I know what this is.

316. My heart's safe.

317. Oh, I'm not worried about your heart.

318. I might be okay with this,

319. but not even Puck is going to be able to call off Santana.

320. All right, let's get things started.

321. Mr. Shue, I'd like to start us off.

322. I believe I've found a song

323. that finally expresses my true voice.

324. Okay.

325. Gentlemen.

326. Is there something wrong, Mr. Shue?

327. I don't really think you got the point of the assignment.

328. This was about finding a song

329. that expresses who you are.

330. That song didn't really sound like you.

331. Well, I'm sorry if I didn't live up to your expectations.

332. No, no, this group needs you to be you, Kurt.

333. You can literally do things that no one else can.

334. I'm not a box.

335. There are more than four sides to me.

336. Don't lose track of who you are

337. just because it might be a easier to be somebody else.

338. All right, take five, guys.

339. Hey, Kurt...

340. that song was hot.

341. Oh...

342. Merci.

343. So you're pretty much the only guy in this school

344. that I haven't made out with

345. because I thought you were capital-G Gay.

346. But now that you're not,

347. having a perfect record would mean a lot to me.

348. So, let me know if you want to tap this.

349. Are you, like, sleepwalking?

350. You have to be able to sleep to sleepwalk.

351. I am on my third day of antibiotics,

352. and I am not getting any better,

353. which means, I'm going to have to have that surgery,

354. which means, my life is over.

355. Don't you think you're being a little dramatic,

356. I mean, even for you?

357. God, I'm so sick of you feeling sorry for yourself.

358. Why don't you get it?

359. I am my voice.

360. I am like Tinkerbell, Finn.

361. I need applause to live.

362. I got a friend I want you to meet.

363. Another doctor? I've seen six already.

364. No.

365. No. He's an old friend of mine.

366. Your lip gloss tastes like root beer.

367. It's weird.

368. Can I ask you something?

369. What do boys' lips taste like?

370. Usually dip.

371. Sometimes they taste like burgers.

372. Or my armpits.

373. Kissing my armpits is a really big turn-on for me.

374. Whoa.

375. Am I interrupting something?

376. You sure are.

377. Okay, I'm confused.

378. I came home to find this note on your doorknob—

379. "Do not enter under any circumstances,

380. I'm making out with a girl."

381. I just thought it was the start

382. of one of your murder mystery dinners.

383. Dad, I really need you to respect my privacy.

384. Brittany and I were just, uh, having sexual relations.

385. Hi.

386. Kurt, uh... I've been sorta dealing for months

387. with you being gay and everything,

388. and now you're telling me that's not the case?

389. Dad, you and I have more in common

390. than I would have thought.

391. The flannel, the Mellencamp... the ladies.

392. Okay, well...

393. you're free to be whoever you are, okay?

394. You just let me know when you make up your mind,

395. I'm gonna do the best I can.

396. But I'm good either way.

397. Nice to meet you.

398. All right, you kids be careful, all right?

399. And you gotta respect her, all right?

400. And if things get serious,

401. use protection.

402. Does he mean like a burglar alarm?

403. So what made Super Mario Brothers 3 so amazing

404. was the Star Worlds.

405. None of the other versions had anything like that.

406. Look, Puck, I agreed to start dating you

407. because you have great arms,

408. and we have serious musical chemistry—

409. both of which are really important to me.

410. But clearly you've never dated a sister before.

411. And we have needs—

412. as in you need to stop flapping your gums

413. about this video game nonsense

414. and start finding out more about me, about who I am.

415. Okay.

416. I've never done that with a girl before, but I'm cool.

417. First thing you need to know is

418. I like those frozen coffee drinks.

419. Do you want me to get you one?

420. Decaf. Cool.

421. What was that?

422. Whatever I did, I'm-I'm sorry.

423. Here, take my lunch money as an apology.

424. Put that away.

425. Why didn't you look at me when I walked by?

426. Well, the Tweetosphere says you're dating Mercedes Jones.

427. She's one of the most popular girls in school.

428. Your cool-o-meter is off the charts.

429. Which means most of us are terrified

430. of you again.

431. Some of the guys who threw you

432. in the Dumpster actually transferred today,

433. out of fear of retaliation.

434. I didn't say you could smile.

435. Give me that lunch money. Also, my girl needs a coffee drink.

436. Excuse me, can I please talk to you for a minute?

437. Uh-huh, sure.

438. You know you look kind of familiar.

439. Yeah, you do, too, but, um,

440. I just wanted to know, do you know somebody named—

441. you know his name.

442. Oh, yeah, definitely, I know his name.

443. I just wanted to let you know he's mine.

444. No, no, he's mine.

445. Wow.

446. That was intense.

447. Don't touch me. Don't step to me.

448. I gotta give you guys props for the passion.

449. Maybe hold back on the animosity

450. Hey, hey, hey!

451. Seriously, this ends now!

452. All right. Talk to the stick figure.

453. Please. All right?

454. You can go at it in song, but that is it.

455. Enjoy it while you can, Weezie.

456. His hair is already starting to grow back.

457. Calm down. Hey, hey.

458. Puck, what the hell is going on here?

459. Just a little payback.

460. You hear that?

461. That's the sound of order being restored.

462. No man of mine is gonna be pulling stuff like this.

463. Babe, this is what we do.

464. Look at 'em.

465. They need this.

466. Without the fear of a good Dumpster toss,

467. it'd be chaos up in this place.

468. Look, you don't need to like it, but you need to accept it—

469. this is the way things are.

470. 'Cause now, we're part of the system.

471. We're at the top of the heap.

472. Who's next?

473. Hi, uh, Mrs. Fretthold.

474. This is Rachel.

475. Pretty.

476. Uh, I'll tell Sean you're here.

477. I'm sorry it's such a mess.

478. I've been on the phone to the insurance company all day.

479. Oh, no, that's fine.

480. Is this him?

481. Uh, yeah.

482. We met at football camp a couple years ago.

483. He's ready for you.

484. Fab-five-Finnster!

485. Fretter!

486. This the hottie you were telling me about?

487. Yeah. Sean Fretthold, Rachel Berry,

488. Rachel, Sean.

489. Got a boyfriend, Rachel?

490. Um... sort of.

491. Sort of?

492. Sounds like I got a shot.

493. I don't understand; this isn't funny.

494. Sorry.

495. They make me see a shrink.

496. He says I compensate with humor.

497. Third game of the season, right after I met the Finnster,

498. this Yeti of a fullback breaks through the line.

499. I hear a crack, next thing I know,

500. I'm lying on the ground saying to myself,

501. "Get up, get up,"

502. but nothing was working, you know?

503. Sean was a C4.

504. Paralyzed from the upper chest down.

505. I'm so sorry.

506. Finn says your voice is messed up.

507. Is it going to come back?

508. I don't, I don't, I don't know.

509. Pissed off about what you lost?

510. I was.

511. Like, real... rage.

512. I used to just lie in bed and scream.

513. Finn shouldn't have brought me here. I'm so sorry.

514. Wait, wait, wait.

515. Just...

516. tell her about what happened when they gave you the chair.

517. They were all excited

518. because I could drive it myself

519. by blowing in that tube.

520. The second they left me alone...

521. I drove it into the swimming pool.

522. His mom pulled him out when she heard the splash.

523. I don't understand.

524. Are... Are you trying to tell me

525. that you're happier now?

526. Hell, no.

527. I'm miserable.

528. I miss my body.

529. I miss my life.

530. I miss my friends.

531. I miss girls.

532. But I've realized, over time,

533. that I've got other stuff going on.

534. I'm more than just one thing.

535. You know I'm good at math?

536. Seriously.

537. I flew through Calc I in like two months.

538. And I can sing.

539. He's actually pretty good.

540. I used to sing in the shower, in the car...

541. I didn't have the balls

542. to try out for my school's club like Finn did.

543. That pissed me off more than anything.

544. What the hell was I afraid of?

545. Sorry, guys,

546. time for physical therapy. Later, dude.

547. Um, I'll come by in a few weeks.

548. I'll be here.

549. Thanks.

550. For what?

551. Just, um... thanks.

552. Hey, mama.

553. Where's your Cheerios! uniform?

554. I quit.

555. Nobody quits the Cheerios!

556. You either die, or I kick you off.

557. It was fun, I guess, but...

558. when I put the uniform on, I didn't feel like myself.

559. It's just not who I am.

560. And what am I supposed to do

561. about that Mariah Carey number

562. in which you do ten straight minutes of vocal runs?

563. Huh? Nationals is in three weeks!

564. I guess I'll just

565. have to take to the mic and deliver a diatribe.

566. Probably something about immigrants.

567. Look, I know Glee Club may be super nerdy or whatever,

568. but it's taught me something very important.

569. You have to be true to who you are.

570. That's something you may want think about.

571. 'Cause the guy I saw

572. throwing dweebs in the Dumpster yesterday—

573. I don't like him very much.

574. And you know what?

575. I don't think you do, either.

576. Your hands are really soft.

577. My secret? Duck fat.

578. Hey, guys.

579. Just holding hands with Brittany.

580. Seriously. They feel like a baby.

581. Now I know what it's like to date a baby.

582. Hey, Kurt.

583. Dad. Hey.

584. Finn caught a foul ball inhe ninth,

585. so that means free hoagies at Lenny's Hoagies,

586. and then half-price to the motocross tonight,

587. so I promised I'd take him. Hi.

588. Can you excuse us for a minute, boo?

589. What? Just go away.

590. Did you ever think that that might be something I wanted

591. to do with you?

592. Look, Kurt, Finn needs a buddy right now, okay?

593. At the game, he got to talking about his dad,

594. and, you know, his mom thinks

595. it's a really good thing for him.

596. Look, I promise you

597. we will hang out as much as you want, okay?

598. Just not tonight.

599. That was some serious singing, kid.

600. That was "Rose's Turn."

601. I could get into that, maybe.

602. What happened to the hoagies?

603. Ah, blew it off.

604. You know, too much cholesterol.

605. I bet Finn was disappointed.

606. He understood, uh...

607. once I told him how bent out of shape I thought you were.

608. Me? I'm fine.

609. Kurt, I'm dumb, but I'm not stupid.

610. And I have no idea

611. what that song was about,

612. but "fine" don't sing like you just sung.

613. Look...

614. maybe I got carried away doing stuff with Finn.

615. But I told you, this thing with you was going to be hard.

616. Thing with me.

617. You mean being gay?

618. Yeah.

619. Being gay.

620. Look, I will fight to the death

621. for your right to love whoever you want,

622. but when you were a little baby in my arms,

623. did I dream about taking you to baseball games

624. and talking about girls?

625. Yeah, I did.

626. A lot of fathers do.

627. I had no idea how disappointing I was.

628. Hey, come on, now, stop it right now.

629. I'm-I'm talking straight to you.

630. Don't go playing the victim.

631. You know that's not what I mean.

632. I know.

633. I'm sorry.

634. I know you're working hard on yourself

635. to make all this okay.

636. Just seeing you,

637. the way you are with Finn,

638. how easy it is...

639. It breaks my heart.

640. Is that why you were pretending to date that daffy cheerleader?

641. And dressing differently, and singing Mellencamp?

642. I just want you to know that...

643. I'm going to work as hard as you to make this okay.

644. You don't have to work at anything, Kurt.

645. Your job...

646. is to be yourself,

647. and my job is to love you,

648. no matter what.

649. Okay? That and a majority ownership

650. in a tire store- that's all we got.

651. Okay? We stick to that, we're going to be great.

652. I missed you, Dad.

653. Oh, come here.

654. I love you.

655. Love you, too.

656. Mom...

657. Finn with you?

658. No, I came by myself.

659. Is that okay?

660. Yeah.

661. I, um... I just

662. wanted to say thank you,

663. and for showing me that

664. just because I'm not good

665. at anything other than singing doesn't mean

666. I'm not any good if I can't sing.

667. That sounded like a really bad greeting card.

668. No. It was cool.

669. Well, anyways, I...

670. I just thought I could maybe return the favor.

671. I thought I could give you singing lessons.

672. It sort of seemed like an area of interest for you.

673. I'll-I'll come by,

674. like, once a week or something, and we could just

675. see how it goes?

676. I've-I've helped almost everyone in our glee club,

677. some by brute force, but...

678. So, your voice came back.

679. Turns out that a heroic dose of antibiotics

680. and a mysterious blend of herbal remedies

681. and a vow of silence is all it takes

682. to cure tonsillitis, so...

683. I'll probably have

684. to have my tonsils taken out eventually, but, um,

685. I'm-I'm not scared anymore.

686. Uh, so...

687. do you want to give it a spin now?

688. Sing with you?

689. Yeah.

690. Yeah, I'd be honored.

691. Come here.

692. Take my hand?

693. Can you feel that?

694. No.

695. But it's weird.

696. I remember what it feels like,

697. and I can see it, so...

698. it's like I can.

699. I-I, um...

700. I thought we'd do a little

701. classic rock today.

702. Finn said you might like that.

703. Yeah.