Gavin & Stacey 3x6

1. It was really weird going back there. It was exactly the same.

2. - Remember Dougie? - Doughnut Dougie? Dougie Doughnuts?

3. - He's had a heart attack. No-one told me. - Oh, my God. Is he dead?

4. I think so. Nobody seems to really know.

5. Ohh. Do you miss it? Do you wish you still worked there?

6. Do you know what? Not at all. I really don't.

7. I won't have to come up again for ages.

8. - Probably not for another six months. - Oh, that's good.

9. It's like the olden days, this, isn't it?

10. Me down here, you up there.

11. - It's only one night. - I know that.

12. I just mean it's like it used to be when we first met.

13. Yeah. God, all them phone calls.

14. - And the phone sex. - That was good, though, wasn't it?

15. - Yeah. - What you wearing?

16. So you going out with Smithy Iater, then?

17. I don't know. Maybe.

18. - It won't be a late one. - Don't get drunk now, will you?

19. You've got to drive back in the morning.

20. I'll be home by midday. It's not starting till 3.00, is it?

21. I know, but you've got to put your suit on and your shoes and belt and everything.

22. - How's Nessa feeling? - She's all right.

23. We're just having a girly night in with Bryn.

24. You know, bleaching and shaving and general wedding prep.

25. I just can't believe she's getting married. Can you?

26. Less than 24 hours to go now, babe.

27. Right. That's the base coat. Let that dry a minute.

28. Now, are you sure you want them black?

29. - Yeah. It's stylish. - Is it, though? I mean...

30. Oh, Stace. Stop stressing me out.

31. I think what Stacey means, Ness, is it's not very bridal.

32. - Well, I'm not very bridal. - Oh, yes, you are.

33. I tell you what. Why don't we paint the toenails black?

34. That way you retain a certain sense of individuality,

35. a sense of "Ness-ness".

36. But you keep it hidden away.

37. No. Stick to the plan, Bryn.

38. I want "Nessa" painted on my left foot, "David" on the right.

39. But you always call him "Dave". You never call him "David".

40. I do when he's sucking my toes.

41. There we are. All done.

42. - Oh, Mum. That looks Iush. - That looks Iovely, Gwen.

43. - What shoes will you wear with it? - What?

44. Joking, I am.

45. Oh, right.

46. Are you sure you don't want to try it on?

47. No need. If you got the measurements right it'll be fine.

48. If not, you'll ruin my day. Simple as.

49. What?

50. It's just so nice having you here without Stacey.

51. - Pam! - Mum!

52. Not like that. I love Stacey.

53. It's just... Oh, I don't know. I just feel I've got you back all to myself.

54. Just for tonight.

55. There's my Iittle prince, my handsome king

56. and me in the middle, the Duchess of Cornwall.

57. Oh, yeah. And here comes the court jester.

58. - What's that? - Nothing.

59. Right. I am done.

60. Romeo Dunn.

61. I should think so. It's quarter to eight.

62. - He didn't start till 4.00. - How come?

63. SIept in. Didn't wake up till 3.30.

64. What were you doing last night?

65. PIaying Rock Band with Rudi. It's amazing.

66. We're thinking about forming a proper band - a group.

67. I've done your dinner, sweetheart. It's in the oven.

68. - Cheers. I can get it. - You sure you don't want any veg?

69. I had a banana earlier, so I'm all right.

70. I'm going to get a bath and a face pack, ready for tomorrow.

71. Yeah, we'll clear this up.

72. It's a shame you're not going to be there, Smithy, at the wedding.

73. - Is it? - Well, yeah.

74. It doesn't feel right somehow. What are you gonna do with yourself?

75. I'll pick up Neil, my boy, and take him to Jungle Jim's.

76. You know, the kids' play centre thing.

77. - Bit young for that, isn't he? - Nah, I checked it out on Monday.

78. They've got a Iittle preschool bit, you know - soft toys, Iittle train.

79. It'll be nice.

80. What? Have I got a bogey?

81. No, darling. You're fine.

82. So it's right, together. Left, together.

83. Right, together. Left, together.

84. OK. You have a go.

85. - No, no, no. Not like that. - You're going too fast!

86. You're not doing "together," only "right, left".

87. I don't see the point. Why am I stopping for?

88. I never walks like that. I'm going from A to B, that's all.

89. Why've I got to look like a dick?

90. Well, I don't think you do look like a dick, Ness.

91. Well, I feels like a dick, Bryn.

92. - Hola! - Hiya, love.

93. Sorry it took so long. It was packed in Morrisons.

94. Always is on a Friday, Jase. A lot of people doing their big shop.

95. I won't go near the place on a Friday.

96. Me neither. Won't give them the satisfaction.

97. Where do you shop in Spain, Jase? Do they have supermarkets out there?

98. Yeah, it's Spain, not the Third World.

99. Oh, Jase, enough jibber-jabber.

100. It's meant to be my hen night. What's the plan?

101. Well, I'm doing pizzas and garlic bread.

102. And I've got us a Iittle film.

103. It's a new thriller

104. starring two-time Academy Award-winner Mr Kevin Spacey.

105. Cracking.

106. TV: Cooking doesn't get tougher than this.

107. - Oh, my Christ. Who's that?

108. - I'll get it. - I don't know, do I?

109. - Yes, Rudi Rudester. - All right, Gav? Is he here?

110. - Yeah, yeah. Smithy, it's Rudi. - Invite her in. Come in, Ruth.

111. No, you're all right, Pam. I forgot my keys.

112. I thought Mum was home tonight.

113. She is, but she's not answering. I think she's asleep.

114. I'll give you a Iift in a bit if you want.

115. No, I'm fine. I've got my heelies.

116. - Sure you won't stay for a drink? - No, I'm fine, thanks, Mick.

117. I would come out to see you, Ruth, but I'm doing a face pack -

118. Iavender and jasmine.

119. - Nice. OK. Well, I'll see you Iater. - Take it easy, Rudi.

120. - Oh, my God. You were right. - What?

121. - You are Welsh. - Eh?

122. Your accent - you're speaking Welsh.

123. - What you on about? - What you on about?

124. - Shut up. - Shut up. You're a traitor.

125. You've betrayed your roots. You'll be playing rugby next.

126. - Told you! - See you Iater.

127. - Did you get a card? - What?

128. - For Nessa. - Yeah.

129. - Cool. See you, Gethin.

130. - Got a card for Nessa? - Yeah, why?

131. Nothing.

132. I really don't understand why you've got to have Neil tomorrow.

133. What?

134. Yeah. Why doesn't Nessa want the baby at the wedding?

135. I dunno. She watched her own mother get married nine times or something.

136. - To three different men. - Oh.

137. - Ohhh. - Oh, I see.

138. TV: Not ready for it to stop yet, but I'm afraid it's going to have to.

139. Do you want to go out? Chinese and Budgie are down at the Stag.

140. They have a DJ on Friday and Saturday nights now.

141. - Nah. - Oh, come on. Come out.

142. Get your groove on, yeah?

143. Ooh. That feels good.

144. Get on down at the Stag and Hound...

145. Cos Stacey's away, them mice gonna play.

146. - What are you doing? - I don't know. Let's not bother.

147. So he was Keyser Söze the whole time?

148. Yeah. And he didn't really have a Iimp at all.

149. - He was putting it on. - That's very clever.

150. Very clever.

151. How do they think these things up, Gwen?

152. - I know. They just do. - Yeah.

153. I've seen it three times now. I still didn't think it was gonna be him.

154. He's a good bloke, Kev. I've got a lot of time for him.

155. - He Ioved you, didn't he, Stace? - Yeah.

156. But imagine if I'd married him. I'd have been Stacey Spacey.

157. On that note, I'm gonna turn in. Jase, you coming over now?

158. Yeah, OK.

159. Hello? Oh, hiya, Dave. How are you feeling?

160. Yeah, I'll get her now.

161. - Ness, it's Dave. - What's he want?

162. - He wants to talk to you. - Ask him what he wants.

163. What was it you wanted, Dave?

164. He says he's missing you, sugar tits,

165. and wants to hear your Iovely voice before you become his bride tomorrow.

166. Fair play. Hand him over.

167. All right, Dave? How's it going? All right?

168. All right, Ness. How's it going? All right?

169. Oh, Gwen, give us a minute.

170. Of course, love.

171. My old man there yet?

172. Yeah, just having a Iittle game of cards with him and Noel.

173. - Cracking. - Pass the phone a minute.

174. Hiya, Ness. How's my Iittle girl?

175. - Who's this? - It's your dad.

176. All right, Dad? What's occurring?

177. I'm good. I just come up.

178. Been doing a stint on Holby. Man in a coma.

179. - Ah. That's an easy one. - Yeah.

180. They seemed happy with what I'd done.

181. I kept it simple, you know? Just Iay there.

182. - Nice. - So, how you feeling about tomorrow?

183. Terrible. Nervous as shit.

184. I'd be nervous marrying him. The man's got blood on his hands.

185. Listen, I'll hand you back to him. See you tomorrow, sugar tits.

186. Here he is.

187. Only joking, Dave. I know they never proved nothing.

188. You all right, babe? What are you nervous about?

189. - Oh, this and that. Mainly Gwen. - Oh, what's she done now?

190. Well, she's finished the dress, like, but she won't do a fitting.

191. Christ knows what I'll look like tomorrow.

192. You'll look like an angel whatever you wears.

193. I'm gonna go now. Bye.

194. - Whoa! Hang on a minute. - What?

195. This time tomorrow you'll be my wife.

196. I know. I can't wait.

197. Sweet dreams, Miss Jenkins.

198. You too, Mr Coach.

199. Ooh! Sorry. Is that you, Ness?

200. No, it's me, Mum. - All right, love? Want a cuppa?

201. Yeah, OK. I'll be down now.

202. Oh, giving you gyp, is it, love?

203. No. It's just a bit stiff in the mornings.

204. Oh! That's what Trevor used to say.

205. Don't cheapen yourself, Gwen. You're better than that, come on.

206. Sorry, love.

207. You knocking me up an omelette for the journey, like?

208. Of course. I've got some onion, bit of ham.

209. - You can have cheese, tomato... - Oh, Gwen, cut the chatter.

210. I've got other things on my mind, like my forthcoming nuptials.

211. - Sorry, love. - That's OK.

212. I'll take the ham. Genuine.

213. Where've you been? I've been calling.

214. I'm sorry. I was just in the shower.

215. - Why haven't you left yet? - I'm just leaving now.

216. It's only 8.30. Mum, have you seen my keys?

217. - Mum? - Sorry, darling?

218. It's all right. I've got them.

219. Well, don't be long. I just want to see you, that's all.

220. I'm on my way.

221. Ohhh, Ness! It's all so exciting! Isn't it, Mum?

222. - What's that, love? - Good morning, one and all.

223. - Especially the blushing bride. - All right, Bryn?

224. - Hiya. You sleep OK on that sofa? - Like a Iog.

225. - Right. We ready, then? - Madam, your carriage awaits.

226. Or should I say Picasso?

227. - There you are, love.

228. - Cheers, Gwenno. - Oh, Ness. It's going to be immense.

229. - Are you excited? - I am, yeah.

230. It feels very emotional.

231. Come on, Bryn, let's hit the road.

232. - Hey-hey!

233. All right? All right?

234. Can't hear you.

235. - Gavlar! Hey-hey! - All right?

236. - You stopping at Leigh Delamere? - I wasn't going to.

237. - Where you stopping? - I don't normally. I go straight through.

238. What, not even at Chieveley? You don't stop at Chieveley?

239. - No. - Chieveley's the best. It's insane.

240. - I've never been. - It's great.

241. - I took Lucy there for dinner once. - And you wonder why she left you(!)

242. Come on. Stop at Leigh Delamere. You'll get to see Neil.

243. OK. Just for five minutes.

244. In a bit.

245. Hey, hot dog!

246. Bryn burger!

247. How you doing?

248. Ohhh! Ho, ho, ho!

249. And who's this Iittle nugget? What a treat!

250. We just passed each other on the motorway. How are you, Ness?

251. - Tidy. - We had a Iovely run down.

252. - I just stopped at Leigh Delamere. - Takes her mind off the big day.

253. I saw Smithy and thought...

254. I'll be Iiterally five minutes and then I'm heading off again.

255. OK.

256. Love you.

257. All right?

258. Yeah.

259. I've got a couple of changes of clothes in there for him.

260. - Yeah? - And his special blanket.

261. Oh, you've got your special NuNu blanket!

262. Have you got your NuNu?

263. He's not been sleeping well the last few nights,

264. so you may want to stay with him till he gets off.

265. Yeah. Yeah, course.

266. - What are you gonna do with him? - Oh, just hang out and stuff.

267. Me and Rudi will take him to Jungle Jim's.

268. We're gonna have fun, aren't we?

269. Come on, then, Iittle fella.

270. Come have a holiday with your daddy, eh?

271. We'll be back next week.

272. And I've put his mobile in there,

273. so get him to give me a ring, just so I can hear his voice.

274. Yeah, of course.

275. We'll be fine, you know. We'll be fine together.

276. I know.

277. Well, all the best for today. Got good weather for it.

278. I've got you something, actually, in the car.

279. Sorry - Bryn, will you take...

280. It's not anything big or nothing. It's just...

281. Oh. Cheers.

282. Thanks.

283. I ain't got one of just me and him, so, er...

284. Look, when you get back, we'll work out some kind of routine, you know?

285. Bit more of a structure to everything,

286. now that you and Dave are getting married.

287. He's not replacing you or nothing, you know - Dave.

288. I never thought he was.

289. No.

290. There's only one of you, isn't there?

291. Have a good one.

292. - Cheers, Bryn. - Oh! There you go.

293. - Drive safe. - Right, Gav, see you there.

294. Ness, let's get you home and get you married.

295. See you.

296. - You all right, mate? - Yeah, I'm good.

297. - I'm gonna get a tea. Do you want... - No, I can't.

298. - I really got to get back.

299. Babe, I'm getting in the car right now.

300. - Just go. Go on. - I know.

301. I really was only five minutes.

302. Yeah, OK, but I don't see what the rush is.

303. We got Ioads of time. Nessa's only just left.

304. - OK. - See you, mate.

305. - Hiya. - I gotta talk to you.

306. Babe...

307. - What's the matter? - Sorry, Mum.

308. - Stacey, what's going on? - Sit down a minute.

309. Right.

310. The thing is, you know we went to see the...

311. God! Look, you know how much we really want...

312. Oh! Gav, I can't...

313. Stace, what's the matter?

314. - Just tell me.

315. God... Something's happened.

316. - I don't want to tell you, because... - What?

317. It's nothing bad. It's...

318. Oh, my God.

319. There's 34 of them.

320. I know it's expensive, but I wanted to be sure.

321. - You're not cross, are you? - Cross? Why would I be cross?

322. - You know what this means. - Yeah.

323. - I'm pregnant! - My balls work.

324. - We're going to have a baby! - My balls work!

325. - My balls work!

326. This is amazing.

327. - I've got to tell Mum. - Not yet.

328. Let's get the wedding out of the way first.

329. Stace! Nessa's back.

330. OK.

331. I love you so much.

332. I love you too, baby.

333. It's just the way it is.

334. Smithy.

335. - Oh, Gav, we've got to get ready. - Yeah.

336. Come on, then.

337. Here she is.

338. Ohh!

339. Ness, you look absolutely gorgeous.

340. I know. I feels it.

341. And you definitely want to wear the boots?

342. Yeah. They're comfy.

343. Why suffer?

344. Jase?

345. I've never seen anything quite like it.

346. Gav?

347. Speechless. Absolutely speechless.

348. Tidy. Is Dad here yet?

349. Yeah. He just pulled up. He's outside with Bryn.

350. Right. Let's get this show on the road.

351. Oi! Great place to stop, mate!

352. Don't know what you're smiling at.

353. - This is all your fault, this.

354. What, and you're travelling in there as well?

355. - Yeah! - And the bridesmaid.

356. I'm going on the beanbag.

357. It just don't look too safe to me.

358. It's perfectly safe.

359. Ness, you sure you wouldn't be safer actually in the car?

360. No. Bryn, how many times do you get married in this life?

361. Twice? Three times?

362. I wanna do it in style.

363. Come on, Dad. Help me up.

364. Oh, Gwen, I want to say something.

365. Yes, love?

366. There's a lot of people been asking if my mother will be there today,

367. at the wedding, like, and I said, "Yeah, she will, as it goes.

368. "Cos my mother's called Gwen."

369. That's you, not Gwen from Budgens.

370. Just wanna say thanks for everything, Gwen.

371. I'd have been lost, if truth be told.

372. Right. Dad, come on. Let's do it.

373. This is so exciting!

374. Whoo! Whoo!

375. How are you? Nice to see you. Cheers.

376. - Hi, Dave. - Cheers, Dor.

377. Go on. Help yourself to a seat.

378. - Hiya. - Hiya, Dave!

379. - Look at you! - Cheers, Pam.

380. Where's your best man?

381. Her name's Vanessa and she's on her way.

382. Oh, that's sweet. See you in there.

383. - Yeah, see you in a minute. - Right, Dave.

384. - Hi, Dave. Congratulations. - Cheers, John. Nice to see you.

385. How was that, then, girls?

386. Freezing. It was a stupid idea.

387. Right. Hiya, Ness. You're Iooking, er, very Iovely.

388. Everyone's in there all set to go. Dave's Iooking handsome as ever.

389. So, if we're ready, I'll give him the nod...

390. No.

391. I want one final smoke as a single woman.

392. Dad?

393. Go on, then.

394. - Vic? - Well, if we've got a few minutes.

395. Why not?

396. OK, we're in Wales now,

397. which is where you Iive.

398. Just because you Iive here

399. and your mum's Welsh,

400. when it comes to football, you're English, right?

401. You wanna play for England.

402. Don't end up like Ryan Giggs. You'll kick yourself.

403. All right, Dave?

404. You look amazing.

405. Cheers.

406. We are gathered here today to witness the marriage between

407. Vanessa Shanessa Jenkins and David Lloyd Gooch.

408. And now Michael Shipman will read David's favourite poem.

409. "Stop all the clocks

410. "Cut off the telephone

411. "Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone

412. "Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

413. "Bring out the coffin Let the mourners come."

414. We all have, as it were, our song...

415. If anyone knows any just cause or impediment

416. why Vanessa and David should not be joined together in holy matrimony,

417. ye are to declare it now.

418. That's always a hairy moment.

419. - Am I too late?

420. No, we're just getting to the important bit now.

421. Grab yourself a seat.

422. Vanessa and David...

423. No, wait.

424. - Has it happened - him and her? Smithy...

425. - Is it signed? Is it done? - Mate, what are you doing?

426. Come on. This is our day now.

427. Is there something you wanted to say?

428. Yeah.

429. No.

430. I don't know.

431. I'm a bit confused, to be honest.

432. I know what you're all thinking -

433. like this is some big romantic gesture,

434. like I'm declaring my love for her or something, but I'm not.

435. In fact, the weirdest thing is, if anything,

436. a lot of the time you repulse me.

437. No... Honestly, it's not like that.

438. I know that doesn't offend her. It doesn't, does it?

439. Cos I know you feel exactly the same about me, right?

440. Yeah. He's right. A lot of the time, I find him disgusting.

441. See?

442. And yet we have these moments.

443. These weird moments, these things in common.

444. And we've got him.

445. And if you're marrying Dave just so you've got a father for your son,

446. someone to help you and support you and be around,

447. I'm saying you've already got that.

448. Me. I can be those things.

449. I just think if you're marrying him,

450. you should do it for the right reasons.

451. You should do it cos you love him.

452. But I don't think you do.

453. Well? Do you love him, Vanessa?

454. Do you love David?

455. Yeah.

456. I do.

457. Really?

458. Yeah.

459. OK.

460. No, you don't.

461. Oh, heck.

462. What are you on about?

463. He's right, Ness.

464. It breaks my heart to admit it, but I don't think you do love me.

465. I think this last year I've been kidding myself.

466. Every time I'd tell you I Ioved you, you'd say, "I know."

467. And I thought you were saying you Ioved me too, but you weren't.

468. You were just saying, "I know."

469. I know.

470. No hard feelings, eh, Dave?

471. It's been a blast, sugar tits.

472. Gav, what time is it? Famished, I am.

473. Me too. Are we getting this takeaway or what?

474. Yeah, I'll ring 'em now in a minute.

475. "Now in a minute"? How can that possibly make sense?

476. You're either doing it in a minute or now. It can't be both.

477. Yeah - I'm gonna ring the Chinese now in a minute.

478. That makes sense, doesn't it?

479. Oh, Stace, I don't care. I just want you to order the damn Chinese.

480. - All right? - We're deciding on food for tonight.

481. Yeah. What's occurring?

482. - Ooh! Welsh person!

483. What? Oh, no!

484. - Forget that even happened. - You're Welsh.

485. - Don't make a big thing out of it. - You are. You're Welsh.

486. No. Wait. It doesn't make me Welsh just because I said...

487. I didn't just say that. It don't make me Welsh.

488. - I'm telling you...