1. Hiya! Are you in work?
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2. Yeah, you just rung me on my work number.
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3. Oh, yeah!
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4. Did you get back OK last night?
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5. I don't know why you came down
just for the evening.
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6. - I wanted to see you.
- You must be knackered.
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7. - It's fine.
- Well, look, I've decided.
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8. I'm coming to you next time.
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9. - You don't have to.
- I've booked my ticket.
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10. - Really?
- I want to.
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11. - I wanna come up.
- That's brilliant.
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12. Yeah.
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13. - Stacey!
- Hiya!
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14. I'm so sorry I'm late.
The traffic was ridiculous.
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15. It's OK.
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16. Come here.
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17. - Right. Shall we, er...?
- Yeah. I'm just over here.
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18. So you really want me
to move those golf clubs?
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19. - Yes! To the garage.
- Why?
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20. Because Stacey will be here in a minute,
and I don't want her coming in
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21. to be greeted by your drivers
and bloody nine irons!
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22. Well, those drivers and bloody nine irons
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23. have been kept there
for the last seven months
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24. while Stacey Iived under this roof,
so it's not gonna make any difference.
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25. Do you want to fall out with me
today, Michael? Do you want to?
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26. Because I tell you what, you are hanging
by a very thin thread, young man.
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27. I just don't understand
what all the fuss is about.
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28. It's not fuss, Michael, it's preparation
for the fact that, within the hour,
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29. your daughter-in-Iaw will be returning
to her marital, matrimonial home,
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30. - which she hates Iiving in...
- She doesn't hate it...
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31. ..in order to discuss the fact
as to whether or not
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32. she will be staying here
or Barry's Island.
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33. It's Barry Island.
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34. Ooh, d'you know what, Michael?
You are bein' a right sarky bastard today!
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35. It isn't Barry's Island. It doesn't
belong to a man called Barry.
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36. Oh, my God, they're here.
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37. Forget about the clubs.
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38. Just act natural.
Come here, come here!
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39. - Act natural!
- Come here.
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40. Hello!
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41. Welcome, welcome!
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42. Welcome to our home, which is,
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43. of course, YOUR home, should you choose
to make a choice to Iive, y'know...
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44. Hiya, Stace. Come here.
Lovely to see you.
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45. - Hiya.
- You well? You look well.
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46. Don't tell her she looks well!
That's like saying she looks fat!
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47. Which of course you don't. You look
beautiful and Iovely and radiant,
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48. even though your mum did say...
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49. - Mum, any chance of a cup of tea?
- Yes. Of course...
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50. Now, you go through and make yourself
at home, because it IS your home.
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51. Regardless of the fact...
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52. Pam. Tea.
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53. - Yes.
- Yeah... I'll take this upstairs.
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54. I'll just put these in the garage.
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55. Well, that's that done! It's a crackin'
feelin' when you finish a book, isn't it?
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56. I know. You get an immense
sense of achievement.
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57. How you gettin' on with yours, Ness?
Still battling on?
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58. I won't Iie, it's a tough read.
It's puttin' me through the wringer.
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59. What is it actually about,
The Satanic Verses?
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60. Don't make me talk about it.
I don't want another fatwa.
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61. Well, I've got half an hour, I think I'm
gonna get goin' on the sequel to this one.
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62. - Fair play. What's it called?
- Oh... hang on.
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63. No, Daddy, Please Don't.
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64. By the same author.
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65. He's had a terrible time of it.
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66. - Only me.
- Where've you been?
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67. Been into town, I have.
And I've bought myself one of these!
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68. I only went in for a Nano.
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69. I've come out with a 60 gig!
That's over 50,000 songs.
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70. Have you got that many to put on there?
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71. No-o! But that's the beauty.
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72. After I've put all mine on,
I've still got room for 49,853 songs!
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73. Which I see as positive.
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74. I mean, she is massive now.
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75. - Absolutely huge.
- Really?
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76. Yeah. She's like a boat.
But she hasn't got no stretch marks.
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77. She didn't have to stretch much
in the first place, did she, darlin'?
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78. Pam!
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79. I'm only sayin'.
That's the beauty of bein' a bigger girl.
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80. You're already stretched.
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81. This is the one I really like, but have
a look at them all, see what you think.
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82. Is that the one with
the balcony at the back?
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83. Yeah. We can see that one tomorrow,
but not the nice one till Monday, so...
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84. - These are really expensive.
- I know, but...
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85. - They're right out of our price range.
- I know that...
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86. But... Look, the thing is... Mum?
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87. You tell her, Mick.
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88. Right... Pam and I have had a chat, and
we talked to Gav about it the other day.
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89. We don't like seeing you unhappy.
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90. It's difficult for you Iiving here,
you need your own place...
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91. And can I just say that I know
that I have not been entirely...
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92. - Pam.
- Sorry!
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93. To cut a long story short,
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94. we've decided we'd like to give you
the money for a deposit on a flat
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95. and then Iend you whatever you need
to get the ball rolling.
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96. Isn't that brilliant?
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97. Yeah, it's fantastic.
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98. BIoody hell, Stace,
you could look a bit more excited!
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99. No, it's fantastic. I'm really grateful.
It's just...
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100. - You don't look it!
- No, I am...
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101. I tell you what,
why don't we leave you both to it?
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102. I'm sure you've got a lot to talk about.
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103. Come on, Pam.
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104. - Mick, I really am grateful.
- I know, love.
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105. - My God, bloody hell!
- Ssh!
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106. Don't you shush me!
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107. We've just offered to Iend her
20 thousand grands!
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108. What's goin' on, Stace?
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109. I don't know.
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110. Because most people would see
what happened just now as a good thing.
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111. But by the look on your face,
it's like... it's a bad thing.
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112. I just don't know if now is the right time
for us to be talkin' about houses.
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113. Cos there's other stuff
we need to sort out.
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114. Like what?
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115. Gav...
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116. we've been Iiving apart for four weeks.
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117. Things aren't exactly great between us.
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118. I know, but I thought...
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119. What, you thought everything
was fine again? Just like that?
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120. No!
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121. Yeah.
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122. I did.
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123. I do.
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124. - You've got no idea, then, if you...
- No.
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125. I haven't got a clue, cos I can't work out
what's wrong unless you tell me.
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126. Cos you say it's a house,
you say it's Iivin' here,
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127. and now I'm starting to wonder
if actually the problem might be me.
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128. Is it?
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129. You were supposed to say
something at that point.
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130. My God...
Are you breaking up with me?
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131. I don't want to...
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132. But what? Is that why you came here?
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133. - No, it isn't.
- Is it?
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134. - I came here excited to see you.
- This "I need space",
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135. - "I need time at home" thing...
- I wanted to work things out,
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136. but the minute I walk through
the door, I feel like I'm trapped!
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137. Trapped?
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138. - By what? By me? By Iiving here?
- Everything!
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139. Too much, too quick.
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140. You've been sayin' this every day
since you moved in!
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141. I don't know what more I can do.
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142. Nor do I.
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143. Because you're perfect and...
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144. so Iovely
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145. and you look after me and...
that's everything I've ever wanted.
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146. I'll move to Barry.
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147. - Or Cardiff.
- No, Gav.
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148. But I thought you wanted that!
Jesus, make up your mind!
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149. It wouldn't work.
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150. Why? Sorry. Why wouldn't it work?
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151. Because you'd feel the same
down there like I do up here.
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152. We're from different worlds, Gav.
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153. And I don't think either of us
realised how different they were.
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154. If we were really meant to be together,
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155. if this was it, then that wouldn't matter.
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156. We'd be happy wherever we were.
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157. But we're not.
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158. And I can't ignore that any more.
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159. Don't take it off. Please. I love you.
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160. I love you, Gavin.
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161. But it's not enough, is it?
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162. Stacey, you...
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163. Nessa's gone into Iabour!
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164. What?
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165. Whoooarrghh...
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166. Whoooargh...
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167. Whoargh.
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168. How long was that one, Bryn?
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169. 23.5. That's just under a couple
of minutes less than last time.
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170. At least we're going
in the right direction, eh, Ness?
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171. - Is it time for the music?
- I'm onto it right now.
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172. I thought a Iittle bit
of Jack Johnson.
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173. - Just to put you in the right mood.
- Tidy.
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174. There you go. Are you sure you want it
plain? No cheese nor nothin'?
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175. No. That's crackin'.
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176. Right, well, I've rung Doris. Doris is
gonna tell Peg... and I spoke to Jase...
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177. He sends his love, so that's it!
We just got to sit and wait now.
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178. Smithy!
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179. It rings and rings, then goes
to voice mail. Same with everyone.
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180. I've tried Chinese, Budgie,
Gary and Simon... What we gonna do?
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181. I can't believe it! A month early!
It's unheard of at her age.
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182. How old is she, by the way?
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183. I don't really know. No-one does.
I don't think Ness is 100 per cent.
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184. We'll take you down with us,
get there as soon as possible.
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185. You need to find Smithy
and bring him with you.
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186. - I can get the train.
- Don't be silly.
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187. - We'll be much quicker driving.
- I'll take you down and you find Smithy.
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188. No, listen, Smithy's gonna be
in enough of a state as it is.
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189. He's gonna need you with him.
You'd better get on.
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190. - Where do I start?
- Driving range.
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191. OK. Well...
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192. I'll see you down there.
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193. Take care.
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194. Right.
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195. - Bye, then.
- Bye.
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196. Good Iuck!
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197. What you smilin' at?
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198. It's all the drama, Mick.
I just love it!
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199. Whoooaaaarrrggghhhh...
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200. argh...
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201. Ohhhhh...!
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202. That was a big one, Ness.
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203. - How's she doin'?
- Hiya, love.
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204. - Hiya, sexy.
- Dave.
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205. How're you feelin'?
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206. How d'you think she's feeling?
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207. Sorry. Look, I bought you this...
I got it from Jill Thomas, I did.
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208. - It's a TENS machine.
- Isn't Jill Thomas a vet?
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209. That's right.
Now, it's normally used on cattle.
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210. But she reckoned the effect
is exactly the same.
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211. Cheers, Dave. Tidy. Stick it on.
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212. W-W-W-W-Woah.
Are we sure this is wise?
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213. Nessa's not a cow.
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214. No. She's a fox.
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215. Oh. Come here.
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216. Any news on Smithy?
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217. He wasn't at the driving range.
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218. I tried the Coach and Horses.
Brian's not seen him.
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219. Hang on, I've got a call comin' in.
It's Gary and Simon.
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220. Gary and Simon... yeah.
I'm just pullin' in there now.
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221. OK.
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222. All right, Gavin, what you havin'?
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223. Oh, my God, that totally rhymed.
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224. - I'm like Lily AIIen.
- Rudi, you seen your brother?
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225. He was in yesterday blagging onion rings.
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226. Look, Nessa's gone into Iabour.
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227. - Shut the f...!
- I know. She's a month early.
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228. - Right.
- What you doin'?
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229. - I'm coming with you.
- Won't they sack you?
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230. I so don't care.
We've got to find him.
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231. Always wanted to do that!
Let's try the Crown.
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232. I remember the first time
I went into Iabour.
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233. The first time? The only time. Or is
there something you haven't told me?
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234. You know what I mean.
It was 39 hours from start to finish.
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235. Horrendous.
I'm not going through that again.
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236. - Really?
- It was all right for you.
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237. You fell asleep.
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238. He fell asleep, Stace.
Went to get some coffee,
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239. y'know, from the machine,
he was gone three and a half hours.
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240. They only woke him up cos someone
thought he'd gone in a coma.
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241. Oh, shut up!
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242. By the time he got back,
I'd had epidural, gas and air,
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243. all sorts... didn't know who he was.
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244. You kept callin' me Spencer -
whoever HE is.
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245. Worth it in the end, though.
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246. He'll be a great dad, Gav will.
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247. - He will, my love.
- Yeah...
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248. I know.
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249. They're gettin' closer... They're about
every five minutes, give or take.
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250. And they're a lot more intense.
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251. She keeps making a sort of
mooing noise. Like a cow.
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252. Is that normal?
We're just finding out now.
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253. Bryn, any joy?
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254. I'd say about four.
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255. Five at a push.
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256. Did you hear that?
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257. Oh, really?
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258. Right. OK. Well, thank you
very much for your help.
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259. Oh, Gwen, what's occurring?
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260. It's time, love.
They want us to bring you in.
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261. Oh, boy!
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262. - Oh, God!
- Oh, shit!
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263. But what does that mean,
they're taking her in? Is that bad?
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264. No, nothing. It feels like
we're just driving around in circles.
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265. No, I'm with Rudi, Smithy's sister...
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266. - Bryn says hello.
- All right, Bryn? How's it going?
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267. He says he's good, thanks,
but he's a bit...
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268. Actually, Bryn,
now's not really a good... Yeah... OK.
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269. Oh, my God. Pull over. Pull over!
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270. - What?
- Cherice.
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271. Cherice! CHERICE!
What is wrong with you?
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272. Don't even chat to me,
I ain't got nothin' to say to you.
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273. - What is your problem?
- One word. Darren Millar.
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274. I ain't done nothin' with
Darren Millar. Not since Year 10.
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275. - Liar.
- I ain't a Iiar!
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276. My auntie saw you on the fire escape.
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277. Why would I Iie?
You're not even with Darren Millar!
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278. What d'you mean? You know
full well I'm with Darren Millar.
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279. I ain't done nothing with him,
I ain't gone near him.
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280. - I wouldn't do that.
- You disgust me with your antics!
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281. You're dead to me, yeah?
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282. - You're stabbin' me in the heart(!)
- I gotta go.
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283. Go away!
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284. - Sorry, I just...
- I hate her auntie.
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285. I knew she seen us on the fire escape.
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286. - It's rammed.
- It's Sergio Ramos.
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287. - He's not here. Shit.
- Hang on a minute.
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288. Shut up! Shut up a minute.
Anyone seen my brother?
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289. - There he is. Smithy!
- Sorry about that, boys.
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290. - Smithy!
- Gavlar! What you doin' here?
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291. - I thought Stacey was...
- Mate.
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292. - What? What's happened?
- Nessa's gone into Iabour.
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293. She's not due for another month.
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294. I'll call Mum and I'll tell Nana Joyce.
Just keep in touch!
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295. - Will do!
- Dude.
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296. - I love you, man.
- Cheers, Rudes.
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297. - Right.
- Smithy!
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298. You ain't heavy, yeah?
You're my brother.
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299. And what's your full name?
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300. Jenkins.
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301. Vanessa Shanessa Jenkins.
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302. - Getting yourself a soup, are you, Bryn?
- What's that supposed to mean?
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303. Bryn, come on. I know things
have been difficult between us,
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304. what with Jason coming back...
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305. I'd never have told you if I'd known
you'd become part of our Iives!
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306. You know what?
I wish I didn't know, either, but I do.
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307. It's difficult for me as well,
you standing there with the soup...
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308. It sets my mind racing, you know?
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309. Oh, God.
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310. I promise you, Bryn, I've not told a soul.
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311. - Not even Nessa?
- No!
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312. And even if I wanted to tell anyone,
I wouldn't know where to start.
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313. In my mind,
it's a physical impossibility.
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314. It defies gravity!
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315. I know.
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316. - You gotta trust me, Bryn.
- Right... well, we're all set.
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317. The room's this way
if you want to follow me.
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318. - Thank you, David.
- You just enjoy your soup, Bryn.
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319. - I can't believe this.
- I know.
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320. My baby is gonna be born in Wales.
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321. Eurgh!
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322. - Well, he ain't speaking the Ianguage.
- It might be a girl.
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323. Don't make it worse.
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324. - You all right? What's up?
- Nothin'.
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325. - What is it?
- I'm fine!
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326. I think me and Stacey have split up.
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327. What? Shut up!
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328. - Yeah. She did it today.
- Mate! Why?
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329. I dunno. She gave me
Ioads of reasons.
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330. I just think
she doesn't want me any more.
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331. Oh, come on.
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332. No, seriously. I've never seen her
like that before.
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333. What a day.
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334. I'm sorry, mate,
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335. I know I should be here for you more,
but I'm just not with it, you know?
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336. Listen... everything you've done for me...
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337. And if she's serious, if she means it,
which I don't think she does,
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338. then she's a fool.
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339. Cos there's no-one else
I'd rather wake up next to than you.
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340. No-one I'd wanna look after me,
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341. hold me, cook for me,
keep me warm at night.
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342. - Smithy...
- No. Let me say it.
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343. I love you, Gavlar.
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344. I do.
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345. There, it's out there. I've said it.
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346. In fact, forget it, I don't love you,
Gavlar. I love you, Gavin.
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347. - I don't like it when you call me Gavin.
- I know you don't.
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348. That's why I can never replace her.
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349. Besides, you've got to get back with her,
cos her best mate's about to have my baby
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350. and if you're not around,
it's gonna be a bloody nightmare!
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351. Whoooooah! Sing to me, Bryn.
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352. Hiya!
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353. - Where is she? Where's Mama?
- Oh, Ness.
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354. Hiya, Stace. Pam. Mick.
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355. I'm on the gas, I am... It's messin'
with my head, I'm not gonna Iie to you.
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356. - Oh, my God, how are you feelin'?
- Ohhhh...
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357. Oh, shit a brick!
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358. Nurse! Nurse!
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359. Right, Mick...
we need hot water, flannels...
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360. Pam. Calm down. We're in a hospital.
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361. - Everything's under control.
- Dave.
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362. I need you. I need you now.
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363. - Oh, Christ!
- That's the gas talking, Dave.
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364. - No, it's not. Come on, climb on.
- Now's not the time, Ness.
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365. It really is only one person in with her
at a time. Where's the father?
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366. He's on his way.
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367. Right... so who would you like
to stay with you?
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368. - I want Stace.
- Really?
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369. - Right, come on. Let's all go.
- Please don't go.
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370. I'm just gonna check you,
see how far you've gone.
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371. Knock yourself out, love.
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372. How did it go with Gav? All right?
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373. I think it's over, Ness.
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374. You'd be a fool to let that one go.
He's cracking, even if he is a bit short.
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375. - Right... I think we're ready!
What?
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376. Let's get you changed
to have this baby, shall we?
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377. Dad?What?
They've just taken her down now.
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378. What? I don't know what that means.
What does that mean?
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379. It means she's going down
to have the baby!
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380. Well, tell her to wait!
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381. We've just come over the bridge.
We'll be about half hour.
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382. I'm going as quick as I can!
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383. Shit! I haven't got any money
for the bridge.
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384. Neither have I.
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385. - What've you got?
- Dunno, not a lot.
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386. - I got exactly three quid.
- I got two. We're ten pence down.
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387. They'll let us off that, surely?
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388. Hi, sorry, we've only got five pounds,
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389. - but his girlfriend is just...
- She's not my girlfriend.
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390. I know, but for the purposes
of this... Yeah?
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391. His girlfriend is about
to have a baby...
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392. Sorry, sir, I cannot allow you
into the country
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393. without payment
of the appropriate fee.
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394. This was clearly advertised on your
approach to the bridge. £5.10 only.
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395. "Only"! Are you taking the piss?
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396. Can I draw your attention to the sign
on your right which clearly states
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397. "Offensive behaviour towards staff
will not be tolerated..."
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398. All right, dickhead!
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399. Actually, mate, have you got 10p?
.. Yeah, you an' all.
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400. It's 10p. Are you gonna make him
miss the birth of his first child
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401. for the sake of 10p?
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402. You do not have the appropriate funds.
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403. - Put your car into reverse.
- I'm about to have a baby! It's 10p!
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404. - I'll bring it back, I promise!
- Please alert the car behind you
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405. - to the fact that you are reversing.
- Fine.
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406. - What you doin'? Smithy?
- Stay away from the barrier.
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407. If you touch the barrier, you are in
breach of... Well, you will be arrested.
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408. - Argh! Go!
- See ya!
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409. Go! Go!
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410. Nearly there now, Ness.
Not long to go.
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411. Right... No disrespect, Stace,
but you've never done this before
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412. and neither have I,
so why should I listen to you?
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413. Good point. Fair play.
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414. Ti... dy.
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415. Oh...
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416. You might find it easier
if you go on all fours.
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417. I usually do. It's a home from home
for me, that, love.
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418. - And me.
- Me, too.
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419. Well, they won't tell me a thing.
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420. Oh, Mick, stop pacing,
for crying out Ioud!
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421. I can't sit still... I don't want him to
miss it. Where the bloody hell are they?
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422. Well, I've never heard anything
so ridiculous in all my life.
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423. - No, honestly!
- She really is in Iabour!
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424. I didn't mean you, but.
I meant the bird on the bridge!
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425. Right... yeah.
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426. I'd have done the same, boys,
I won't Iie to you.
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427. All right, great, so...
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428. Thanks, mate. Cheers.
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429. The birth of a baby and ten pence.
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430. - No contest, is there?
- No. Thanks again. Cheers, mate.
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431. Yeah, I remember my first baby.
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432. Oh, God!
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433. I'd have driven through hell
and high water to get there.
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434. You're not in control of your emotions.
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435. If they can't understand that
on the bridge, well, stuff 'em!
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436. I know. Scandalous!
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437. Some of them are nothing
but Iittle Hitlers.
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438. My sister-in-Iaw, she's a cop,
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439. she Iives up in... What's it called?
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440. - Mate, we've really got to...
- Newbury... No, Newham! That's it.
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441. The reason we did what we did
is because we're in a rush.
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442. We're still in that rush!
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443. My wife says I could talk for Wales!
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444. - Mate, come on, now.
- Sorry. Ignore me. On you go!
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445. - Cheers.
- Thanks.
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446. Hey, if you put your foot down,
you'll do it in ten!
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447. - Come on, Ness. You can do it.
- That's it. Good girl!
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448. Where's Smithy?
I don't want him to miss this.
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449. - You can't worry about that now.
- He'll be here. I know he will.
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450. - He's a twat.
- I know... But Gavin's not.
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451. And he'll get him here.
I know he will.
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452. - Oh...
- Come on now, Ness.
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453. You're doing really well.
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454. Oh, God!
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455. Where is he-eeeeeeee?
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456. They're all in Welsh.
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457. They're all in bloody Welsh!
How're you meant to read the signs...?
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458. Smithy, these are in English.
This way. Come on.
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459. Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh!
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460. Oh, my God, Ness!
I can see the head! It's amazin'!
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461. Come on now, Ness, dig deep.
One more push!
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462. Whoooaaaarrrggghhhh...
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463. You got a boy.
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464. - Where's my clever girl?
- Where is she?
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465. - Aww...
- Looks just like you, Smithy, poor thing.
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466. What you gonna call him?
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467. - Gonna call him after me.
- I'm gonna call him after my dad.
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468. What?
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469. I'm gonna call him after my father.
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470. No. Sorry...
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471. I wanna name him after me.
It's a family thing. We always...
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472. So's mine.
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473. - What is your real name?
- What was your father called?
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474. - Neil.
- Neil.
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475. - Neil!
- Neil!
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476. Well, there you go!
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477. I always thought
you was called Colin.
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478. - Colin?
- Yeah, Colin.
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479. Why?
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480. Well, it's been so long, darlin',
I can't remember!
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