1. Hiya. All right?
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2. Yeah, how are you?
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3. Fine. I'm good. You?
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4. Yeah, thanks.
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5. - So what...?
- So when do you...?
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6. - Sorry...
- No, go on.
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7. - I just wondered what you're doing.
- Well, I'm at work, aren't I?
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8. Oh, right. Yeah.
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9. Thanks for sending those clothes.
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10. - No worries.
- I was just about to run out of pants.
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11. - So I'll call you Iater, then.
- Yeah.
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12. Promise?
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13. Yeah.
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14. - I love you.
- I love you.
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15. For goodness' sake,
nobody will see that.
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16. - There's a bloody great bush out there.
- Do you care
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17. that they are putting a phone mast
just 68 feet from your back garden?
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18. Do you even care about the fact
that we're all gonna die?
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19. Well, we ARE all gonna die eventually.
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20. Yeah, not of brain cancer
and tumour brains...
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21. brain tumours,
cos that's what will happen.
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22. - I never had you down as an activist.
- Someone's got to do something, Mick.
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23. Big Fat Sue's on the case already
cos her conservatory overlooks the field.
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24. So as soon as she sees anyone arrive,
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25. we're all gonna rush over and sit
on the site in a silent protest.
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26. - How's she gonna let you all know?
- She'll text everyone.
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27. But some people haven't got
a good signal.
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28. They go round the back of the house
to use their mobiles.
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29. Yeah, shame that.
A lot of bad signal round here.
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30. We are the Iucky ones! Roy and Catherine
only get reception in the bathroom!
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31. - Ridiculous!
- What's all them signs in the window?
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32. - Come here, my Iittle prince!
- It's your mother's campaign.
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33. - All right?
- Are you back for Iunch?
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34. No, I'm meeting Smithy at the pub.
I forgot my wallet.
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35. - Oh, that's nice.
- Have you spoken to Stacey today?
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36. - Yeah.
- Is she all right?
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37. Yeah. See you Iater.
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38. - Bye!
- See you.
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39. - I don't like seeing him like that.
- I know.
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40. Mick... Ring Gwen.
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41. - Pam...
- Just to check she's all right.
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42. Just to check she hasn't gone
cos we've pushed her out.
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43. No, it's not.
I want to know what's going on.
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44. He doesn't tell us anything!
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45. It's nice having you both around.
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46. I wish we were
all under the same roof.
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47. Stacey's at Bryn's,
you're on an airbed.
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48. And us thinking when Dad died
you'd be clattering around on your own.
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49. No chance!
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50. - See? It doesn't stop.
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51. Hello?
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52. - Hi, it's Mick. Is your mum there?
- Oh, God, it's Stacey!
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53. - Hang up! Just hang up!
- Hang on!
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54. Jason, sorry, how are you?
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55. Thanks. Yeah.
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56. Hello, Gwen, it's Mick.
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57. Hiya, Mick. How's things?
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58. We're all right.
We're just a bit worried about the kids.
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59. Oh, I know. How's Gavin?
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60. He's gone into his shell.
I've never seen him like it.
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61. - Has she lost any weight?
- What?
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62. Has she lost any weight?
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63. Has she lost weight, Stacey?
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64. Well, no. If anything, she's eating
too much, but I think that's the boredom.
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65. What did she say?
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66. - What?
- She's stuffing her face.
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67. Hello? Mick?
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68. Has she mentioned us?
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69. Yeah, yeah.
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70. Is Gavin coming down?
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71. - What?
- I didn't say anything, Gwen.
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72. Hang on.
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73. - Look, why don't you talk to her?
- No!
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74. How's Pam bearing up?
Is she all right?
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75. Well, she's obviously very worried.
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76. It's all she can think about,
to tell you the truth.
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77. Yeah, yeah.
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78. Mick, get off the phone!
They're here!
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79. - It's Sue. The bastards are here!
- Eh?
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80. Where's my fleece? Grab that banner.
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81. Gwen, I'm gonna have to go,
send our love to Stacey.
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82. Mick! Will you get OFF the phone?
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83. OK. Goodbye. Goodbye.
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84. For goodness' sake,
that was really rude, Pam.
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85. Oh, false alarm. False alarm.
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86. It's just someone
come to read the meter.
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87. - All right?
- £19 I've put in here.
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88. - I've only been in the feature twice.
- Maybe it's time to walk away.
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89. Then I've really lost the money,
haven't I?
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90. Come on, I've only got an hour
and I've got to eat something.
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91. Hang on. I've got four nudges.
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92. Absolute joke.
Brian, is this machine taking the piss?
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93. Shut up, Smithy, you tosser.
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94. I love that guy!
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95. - No pretence with him.
- Yeah, he's Iovely.
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96. Right...
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97. That's gone off.
This is Gavlar time.
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98. - Lay it on me.
- Well, there's nothing really to say.
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99. She's down there, I'm up here.
It's not over, just...
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100. - Not a marriage any more.
- She's still my wife!
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101. - On paper.
- Thanks, this is really cheering me up!
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102. Hey, I'm no Jeremy Kyle,
but I've known heartache,
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103. I know what it's like
to lose the one you love.
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104. - I haven't lost her.
- And what did I do?
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105. I got by with a Iittle help
from my friends.
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106. You need a night out.
The boys are all in.
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107. - No, I just don't fancy it.
- Two words.
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108. - Foam. Party.
- No.
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109. - Why?
- Where?
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110. - Ritzy's.
- Definitely not.
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111. What? But you used to love the foam!
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112. We even drove to Visage once,
which is over an hour away,
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113. just cos you Ioved the foam so much!
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114. That was eight years ago!
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115. - Why do you still like it?
- You know why.
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116. So you can touch up girls
and they don't know who it is?
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117. - Exactly.
- Yes, please.
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118. Can I just get fish and chips?
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119. I'll have a tuna baguette,
with onion rings instead of fries.
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120. OK.
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121. Hang on a minute, wait. Whoa!
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122. Yours comes with onion rings anyway,
so give his chips to me.
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123. - What?
- Put his chips on my plate,
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124. and just leave him with onion rings.
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125. So you want fish and chips,
and chips?
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126. Yeah. But two actual portions.
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127. Don't just put a couple of chips
on the top, cos I'll know.
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128. - I want two full portions.
- Right.
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129. Look, it's simple, right?
Basically, plate it up as you would,
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130. with a baguette, the onion rings,
the chips, right?
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131. And then JUST before you come out,
put his chips on my plate, got it?
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132. - Yeah.
- Great.
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133. What?
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134. Sometimes I think, if we met now,
we would never be friends.
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135. Ah. Good morning!
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136. - Or should I say good afternoon?
- Hiya!
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137. I didn't want to wake you
this morning.
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138. You Iooked very peaceful.
Did you sleep all right?
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139. Yeah, it was fine.
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140. It's just every night
since you've been staying,
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141. I go up to my bed wracked with guilt
that you're down here on that!
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142. It's fine. Honest. I've got the telly,
it's quite comfy really.
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143. You know where the bed is
if you want to swap.
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144. Now, I'm not being funny,
and it is no odds to me,
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145. but are you at any point today
planning to get dressed?
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146. Oh, you're just as bad as Pam,
you are.
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147. Hey, hey, hey! I'm only asking!
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148. I mean, as far as I'm concerned,
you can stay there as long as you like.
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149. I just think it might do you good
to have a Iittle wash, that's all.
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150. Clean body, clean mind,
as my drama teacher used to say.
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151. I'm sorry.
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152. I will get up now.
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153. How are you doing really?
On the inside.
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154. - I'm fine.
- Deep down.
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155. - I'm fine.
- In here.
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156. - I'm OK. Really, I am.
- Are you missing him?
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157. Cos I know that I am.
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158. Every single day.
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159. I don't want to talk about it,
to be honest.
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160. Right, you need something
to occupy your mind.
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161. Now, have you been online yet today?
Cos there's a cracking new website.
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162. It's called the You... Tube.
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163. And you can watch all manner of thing
on there, some of it quite cheeky.
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164. The other night, for example,
I watched three episodes
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165. of Desperate Housewives,
season one, back-to-back!
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166. I've got the boxed set,
of course I have,
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167. but I dunno, I think there's something
magical about watching it Iive.
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168. Now, have you seen
your mother today?
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169. She called by with Jase.
They're going to see Nessa in work.
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170. - Is that the arcade?
- No, in town. She's performing today.
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171. Tidy.
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172. Hiya, Ness.
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173. All right, Gwen? Jase? How's it going?
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174. Good, thanks.
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175. - How long have you been here?
- What time is it?
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176. - 20 past one.
- Three hours and 20 minutes.
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177. Well, are you stopping for Iunch?
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178. Oh, Gwen, I'm not being funny,
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179. but stick some money in the hat
and I can talk to you proper then, like.
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180. Yes! Of course.
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181. Shake it.
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182. Cracking.
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183. So, what's occurring?
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184. Oh! I'm on a break, all right?
Don't take the piss!
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185. Jase, when you back on the road?
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186. Couple of days. It's been great being
home, though. I missed the place.
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187. I know, it does that to you,
Barry does. Gets under your skin.
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188. No matter how far away you go,
it'll always pull you back.
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189. Look at Stace.
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190. How's she doing?
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191. She's not too good.
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192. She don't want to talk about it,
or anything else!
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193. We're going to the bingo tonight.
Fancy coming?
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194. Can I bring Dave?
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195. - Yeah.
- You two are quite an item, aren't you?
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196. We're enjoying each other's company,
Gwen, I'm not gonna Iie to you.
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197. He's a genuine bloke. Simple as.
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198. And while I remember...
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199. happy belated birthday.
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200. Just a Iittle something
from the both of us.
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201. - Oh, thanks, Ness!
- No worries.
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202. I owed it you anyway for that Chinese,
so it's not really a present.
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203. But times are hard,
I've a baby on the way.
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204. - Well, it's the thought that counts.
- I know.
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205. OK, well, we'll see you Iater.
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206. Unless you fancy joining us for Iunch?
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207. - Munchies.
- My treat.
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208. No. I gotta get back to work.
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209. - Right, we'll see you Iater, then.
- Great. See you then.
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210. Bye!
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211. Gavin! Gav!
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212. Over here!
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213. - What's going on?
- Did you get my note?
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214. - Yeah, is everything all right?
- Yeah! Fancy a burger?
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215. - Onions'II be a couple of minutes.
- Mum, I was worried!
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216. - Why?
- Look, it's Pete's fault!
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217. Cos the note says,
"Gavin, come to the hill immediately.
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218. "I'm with your father.
It's urgent. Come here urgently."
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219. They are on their way. The mast.
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220. But I thought something had...
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221. - Smithy, what are you doing here?
- Gavlar!
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222. Pete, this burger is a dream.
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223. See? He's not missing the onions.
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224. I had a text off Big Fat Sue.
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225. Ssh! Don't call her that!
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226. Her name's Su-san.
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227. But you always call her Big Fat Sue!
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228. - Not to her face.
- Everything all right?
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229. Yes, thank you, Susan.
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230. See?
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231. - Hi, Gav! Can I get you a drink?
- We're going out. What time?
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232. Have one, go back to yours,
get changed, go out.
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233. - OK, I'll have a beer, thanks.
- Yeah?
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234. Sue? Big Fat Sue?
Can we get Gavin a beer?
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235. Dawn! Don't call her that!
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236. Why? Everyone else does.
She loves it.
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237. I always call her Susan.
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238. Yeah, but it's like we call Japanese
Margaret "Japanese Margaret".
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239. That's because there's two Margarets,
we do it to differentiate.
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240. - All right, son?
- Yeah.
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241. I thought this was meant to be
a silent protest.
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242. I've been through it all with your
mother, but if you can't beat 'em...
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243. Every single one of them sausages
has gone. Did you try one, Gav?
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244. I didn't.
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245. Stop going on about those bloody
sausages! Yes, they're organic.
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246. Yes, the butcher made them
with his own hands.
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247. And yes, you can really
taste the tarragon,
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248. but could you be any more boring?
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249. Why do you always get like this
after a couple of drinks?
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250. They were a triumph!
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251. - You're an embarrassment!
- Oh, I'm an embarrassment?
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252. Take a look in the mirror,
you pre-op!
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253. Dawn, there's no need for that!
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254. - Come on, you two!
- Mum, aren't these the guys?
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255. - Right. Positions, everyone! Ssh!
- Come on!
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256. - What you wearing tonight?
- Ssh!
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257. - That it?
- It's just a sign, Mum.
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258. All this for a sign?
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259. - Right!
- BIoody hell, Pam!
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260. - Well, that showed them, Pam!
- Up the revolution!
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261. Mmm.
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262. I never get tired
of these omelettes, Gwen.
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263. Good, cos sometimes I feel like
it's the only thing I ever cook!
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264. Mum? Have you seen my...
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265. phone?
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266. Uncle Bryn.
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267. Jason.
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268. By the telly, love.
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269. - That's a nice shirt.
- Thanks.
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270. Is it Rocha. John Rocha?
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271. Yes.
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272. Are you sure
you don't want anything?
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273. - No, I'll get something down there.
- Right, well, I'd better get changed.
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274. - Girls?
- Yeah?
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275. - Dave will be here in a minute!
- Oh, whoa!
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276. Dave? Dave?
No-one mentioned Dave was coming.
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277. Yeah. He's giving us a Iift.
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278. - Ohhh.
- What's the matter?
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279. You're letting him in, Gwen.
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280. He's getting his feet under the table.
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281. Oh, Bryn. Do you know,
sometimes I cannot work you out!
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282. Jason, I need to talk to you.
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283. - What's wrong?
- Oh, God.
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284. - Uncle Bryn?
- It's about Dave.
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285. - Nessa's Dave? Dave Coaches?
- Yes.
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286. - What?
- He knows.
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287. What?
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288. - He knows everything.
- How?
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289. - I told him.
- Bryn!
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290. - I'm sorry.
- Why?
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291. I was on the island.
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292. AIone.
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293. I was playing crazy golf.
It was raining.
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294. I only stayed out there
cos the rain covered my tears.
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295. When was this?
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296. Six months... after...
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297. I'd just finished the last hole, the one
with the bridge and the Iittle windmill.
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298. I was heading back to the kiosk.
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299. Dave worked there then.
He could see I was upset.
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300. All he did was ask me what was wrong
and I told him!
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301. For God's sake!
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302. - Boy, did I tell him! Everything!
- What? Even about...
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303. Yes! Everything!
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304. And now he's back in our Iives,
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305. sitting in our house,
eating our food,
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306. drinking our squash,
taking us the bingo in his bus,
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307. and I am freaking out!
I can't take it any more! I feel SICK!
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308. Bryn! Pull yourself together, man!
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309. Now, listen.
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310. Do you think he's told Ness?
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311. - No.
- Anyone?
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312. - No.
- Are you sure?
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313. Yes. He was sickened by the whole thing.
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314. Right.
Well, I tell you what we're gonna do.
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315. We're gonna do nothing.
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316. Cos what happened out there
was perfectly Iegal...
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317. in this country. Yes.
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318. We're gonna have to hope and pray
that Dave is as good as his word
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319. and keeps it to himself.
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320. Right.
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321. Come on.
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322. It'll be fine.
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323. Jason?
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324. Do you ever think about it?
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325. - Hey, gorgeous.
- Dave.
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326. Did you miss me?
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327. - Always.
- Good boy.
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328. - All right, Gwen?
- Hiya, Dave.
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329. Stace, you're Iooking nice.
How's it going?
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330. - Oh, you know.
- Hi, Jason, all right?
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331. Yeah, good, thanks.
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332. Bryn! What a treat!
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333. I didn't expect to see you...
well, both of you, like,
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334. together, on the same trip, like.
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335. - Everything patched up, then, is it?
- Yeah, everything's fine.
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336. Right, welcome to Dave's Coaches.
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337. Dave's the name, bingo's the game,
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338. so sit back, everybody,
and enjoy the ride.
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339. Eh, Ness?
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340. What's Gavin up to tonight?
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341. I dunno. I think he's going out
with Smithy and the boys.
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342. Oh, there we are, then.
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343. Whey-hey!
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344. But wait! Wait! Wait!
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345. Wait, wait, what's it say?
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346. - "Back from the dead"?
- Yeah.
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347. - Was this your idea?
- Yes!
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348. - Well, it's not very funny.
- It's just a joke.
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349. What, so my marriage
is a joke now, is it?
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350. Oh, don't... It's just a bit of fun!
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351. Well, it's not funny.
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352. Deano, you weren't even at the stag!
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353. - I know.
- Where'd you get the T-shirt?
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354. I got it made.
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355. - Right, take them off, all of them.
- What?
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356. Seriously, it's not funny.
Take them off.
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357. I told you, Smithy.
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358. Dickhead.
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359. Sorry, Gav.
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360. - Someone order a Chinese?
- Not now, AIan.
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361. Take the T-shirt off.
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362. - But I've nothing else to wear.
- Take it off!
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363. Do you know,
I've not been here for years.
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364. - I love a bit of bingo, me.
- Do they play bingo in Spain?
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365. I think so. They've got a version
of it, I don't know what it's called.
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366. Bingo.
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367. Yeah, but what I'm saying is...
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368. No. It's called "bingo". The Spanish as
a nation really enjoy it. In their game,
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369. the numbers are pushed through the card
rather than crossed off with a pen.
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370. Other than that, it's exactly the same.
Right, Stace?
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371. - Yeah, we cross them.
- They push them through!
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372. We're all right here, aren't we?
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373. Yeah, as good a place as any
to set up camp.
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374. I mean, base. I wasn't, you know...
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375. All right, Bryn?
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376. All right there, Dai?
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377. - Out with the family tonight, is it?
- Well, and Dave. Do you know David?
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378. Oh, he's part of the family now,
Bryn, come on!
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379. Actually, he's not, Gwen.
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380. All right, Dai? How's it going?
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381. Dave. Dave Coaches Dave!
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382. I don't know you, but you know
my wife, Maria. From the clinic.
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383. I'd send her your love,
but we all know where that gets you.
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384. Let's get this show on the road.
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385. I mean, technically,
Nessa's not family either.
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386. But I'm happy to let that one go.
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387. What is the matter
with you tonight, Bryn?
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388. It's yours and mine, 69.
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389. So the ball comes in, shook him off,
brought it down,
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390. and twat, right in the stanchion.
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391. - I wish I'd been there.
- Where was ya?
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392. I was on the phone to Stacey
for about three hours, wasn't I?
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393. - Oh, mate. What's the Iatest?
- Hey! You told him about your goal?
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394. - Sounds incredible.
- Unbelievable, Gav.
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395. He's chested it down,
shook him off, rifled it, and bang!
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396. Right in the stanchion.
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397. - Have you seen Chinese?
- What?
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398. He didn't have another shirt.
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399. Or a coat.
So he's wearing a bin bag.
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400. It's the funniest thing
I've ever seen in my life!
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401. Really?
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402. Yeah. The bouncer's saying it's not
proper clothing, and he's saying it is,
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403. and he's standing out there
wearing a bin bag!
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404. People are walking past, just
Iooking at him wearing a bin bag!
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405. So I said, "Chinese,
you're wearing a bin bag!"
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406. Funniest thing
I've ever seen in my life!
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407. Have you told him about your goal?
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408. Only half an hour to go
before we unleash the foam!
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409. Danny La Rue, 62.
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410. Red raw, 64.
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411. Down on your knees, 43.
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412. Two and five, 25.
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413. Cheers.
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414. Oh, Stace, I'm not being funny
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415. but that's the fifth time
in the last 20 minutes.
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416. - What?
- Checking your phone.
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417. If you wanna talk to him, talk, if you
don't, don't. Cut the dicking around.
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418. I just don't know if I CAN ring him!
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419. Like, am I allowed?
Does he want to talk to me?
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420. I just feel so separate.
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421. That's what happens
when you separate.
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422. It's like I got this Iovely man,
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423. we Iive in a Iovely house,
with a Iovely family.
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424. If that doesn't make me happy,
what will?
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425. - You haven't got your own car.
- Mmm.
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426. This reminds me very much
of my time with John...
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427. Prescott.
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428. I had the lot. FIat in Westminster,
full use of one of the Jags,
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429. didn't even have to cook,
had a Iittle Filipino do it for us.
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430. And a crackin' social life.
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431. Many a night we'd have Dave BIunkett
and his bitch round for dinner.
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432. But I remember so clearly thinking
this was not the life for me.
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433. And I turned to them and I said,
"I don't see the point."
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434. Dave said neither did he.
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435. He could be very dry.
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436. I left that night
and I never Iooked back,
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437. cos I knew I'd only ever be happy
in Barry.
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438. How did John take it?
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439. He took it bad.
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440. He went mad, he did,
shouting and fighting.
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441. Next day he punched a civilian.
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442. When I saw it on the telly
I knew that punch was meant for me.
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443. I just miss him so much.
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444. I just miss her so much.
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445. Is there no way you could go
and Iive down there?
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446. Dunno. What would I do for work?
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447. - Mining?
- I'd never move to Wales.
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448. - Why?
- I don't like the accent.
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449. Budgie, I was just saying to Smithy,
and he said the same back.
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450. - I can't wait for the foam.
- Yeah?
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451. Come on, you pricks!
The foam's coming, the foam's coming!
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452. - Smithy, I can't wait!
- Nor can I!
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453. It's the countdown!
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454. Ten, nine, eight,
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455. seven, six, five, four,
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456. three, two, one...
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457. Gav?
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458. Stace? Hello?
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459. - Gav? Gav, I can't hear you!
- Stacey?
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460. Wait there!
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461. - Stace?
- Can you hear me?
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462. Stace, I miss you so much!
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463. Me, too! This is ridiculous!
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464. - I know, I've gotta see you.
- I hate this!
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465. - When can I see you?
- I dunno. Whenever you like!
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466. I love you, Stacey.
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467. I love you, baby.
We're gonna be all right, aren't we?
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