1. Yes! Nessa told me!
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2. D'you think he'll still come
to your mum's party?
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3. He'd better had.
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4. Bryn's already low on numbers.
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5. Smithy hasn't told me
and it happened a month ago!
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6. We played football last week.
He never mentioned it!
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7. - Did you get my e-mail?
- What?
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8. I sent you an e-mail.
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9. - No, which one d'you send it to?
- Your Hotmail.
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10. - I ain't checked, I'll open it now.
- It's Iush, it is, babe.
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11. It's a new-build, two bedrooms
and it's in our price range.
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12. - Really?
- Yeah. And it's got a bit of a garden.
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13. Great, sounds incredible!
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14. - It's in Barry.
- I know, but...
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15. No, Stace. You've gotta stop.
We're not Iiving in Barry.
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16. Why?
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17. You know why, and I'm not gonna
keep going over this every day.
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18. I've got work to do.
What are you doing today?
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19. Nothing, Gav. I'll just be here.
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20. - Here you go.
- OK, then, right, speak to you Iater.
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21. I'm sorry, mate. I just hoped
I could pretend it never happened.
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22. Why did you do it?
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23. I don't know! It's been a while
since I've been at the crease!
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24. But you don't even like her, do you?
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25. No, but she just sucks me in.
She's like a Dyson.
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26. Before you know it, I'm head down,
gunning for it.
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27. I don't understand how it came
about. You weren't even drinking.
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28. - That's what makes it worse.
- So what happened?
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29. Oh... There was this whole thing
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30. with corn on the cobs
and butter and it just...
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31. - What? She didn't...?
- NO!
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32. Don't look horrified,
given what happened in the en-suite...
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33. - What is the rule?
- What?
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34. What is the rule?
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35. That we don't mention
the toilet brush.
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36. - I reckon you've told people.
- Who?
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37. I dunno, but there's some graffiti
on a toilet brush,
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38. at the Rose And Crown,
which I reckon is aimed at me.
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39. - What's it say?
- "Smithy was 'ere."
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40. Don't Iaugh! I had to get rid of it.
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41. Well, what you gonna be like when
you see her tomorrow at the party?
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42. Is it Gwen's surprise thing, this...?
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43. Great(!) I need that
like a hole in the bollock.
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44. - You gotta come.
- Why'd she tell Stacey?
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45. She said she wouldn't tell anyone!
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46. Well, I can see why you did it.
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47. I can't.
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48. He's a Iovely Iookin' boy.
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49. Not in the conventional sense
like Gavin or Enrique Iglesias.
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50. But he's got a Iovely spirit.
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51. A confidence, if you will,
that you rarely find in a fat man.
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52. How's the arrangements coming along?
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53. I tell you, I nearly got
caught out the other day!
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54. I've been thinking it was a mistake,
making it a SURPRISE bash.
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55. I'm on eggshells
whenever I'm around her.
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56. I jump when the phone rings.
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57. I'm terrified that Doris
is gonna put her foot in it.
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58. Sometimes I want to say,
"To heck with it, Gwen.
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59. "You're havin' a barn dance
to celebrate your birthday.
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60. "Please try and look surprised."
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61. Because I can't take it any more.
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62. You gotta think how good
you'll feel when the Iights go on
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63. and she sees all them smilin' faces.
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64. That's if anyone's there.
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65. I've had a lot of rejections.
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66. And I've gotta be honest,
I thought Gwen had more friends.
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67. - Invited them all from Swansea?
- Yes!
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68. The Uplands Crew,
the Mumbles Massive.
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69. But nobody's coming
in great numbers.
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70. It's got to the point where I'm inviting
people I know she doesn't even like!
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71. Not Jean?
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72. Oh, Bryn!
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73. She'll be fine.
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74. Hello?
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75. Pam, what are you doing?
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76. Oh, my Christ.
I didn't know you were in!
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77. You're eating ham, Pam!
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78. Thank God you came in.
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79. - I crumbled. I'm so weak.
- Pam!
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80. No, don't look at me.
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81. - Pam!
- I'm disgusting.
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82. Pam, are you really a vegetarian?
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83. Yes, I just...
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84. - Cos I've seen you.
- What d'you mean?
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85. A scotch egg here, a bit o' bacon there,
putting those regular sausages
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86. in the Linda McCartney box.
I didn't wanna say nothin'...
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87. - Do you think ill of me, my child?
- No, of course not!
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88. I just get these cravings, you know?
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89. I had four cheeseburgers
the other day with Big Fat Sue.
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90. We ate them in a car wash.
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91. Don't beat yourself up, Pam.
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92. Promise me, thou shall speak
of this to no-one.
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93. - What you on about?
- Swear it! Forsake me not.
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94. Pam, I don't understand
what you're sayin'.
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95. Just don't tell anyone, all right?
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96. - Hiya!
- Hiya, love.
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97. All right, you two?
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98. Yeah, we're just chewin' the fat,
ain't we, Stace?
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99. Stace, you shouldn't wave this
under Pam's nose.
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100. You know how she feels
about people eating meat.
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101. Bryn's been on the blower all day.
Is he all right?
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102. It sounds like this party's
giving him a breakdown.
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103. Yeah, cos he's doin' it on his own.
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104. But we'll get there by 12
and we can help.
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105. - Is Gavin going down with you now?
- Yeah, why?
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106. I thought we were all going down
together, about 3 o'clock.
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107. Smithy doesn't finish till two.
He's sealing Dawn's shower tray.
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108. It's the first I've heard!
I presumed he was coming with me.
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109. How am I supposed to get down there?
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110. - Can't you go on the train?
- Oh, great(!)
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111. - GAV!
- Just don't start World War Two.
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112. There's enough rows goes on
in this house as it is.
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113. - What does that mean?
- Just saying.
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114. - What's up?
- Just some confusion.
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115. - Are you coming with me?
- We thought you were going with us.
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116. What? Hang on!
Right, sorry, Mum, what did you say?
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117. No, listen to me a minute!
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118. - Oh, charming(!)
- Pam, stay out of it.
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119. No, you stay out of it!
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120. Are you taking me in the morning
or going with them lot in the afternoon?
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121. It's silly taking two cars.
We'll go Iater.
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122. - Fine, if that's what you want.
- Oh, come on.
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123. - Fine!
- Don't be like that.
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124. - It's all right. It's just how it is.
- What is?
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125. - Us. I'm gonna get the train times.
- Stacey!
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126. I can't take much more
of this, Mick.
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127. - What?
- It's like Iiving in Hollyoaks.
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128. What are you actually knitting
there, Ness?
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129. - A dress.
- For the baby?
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130. No, for me.
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131. - Hey! I'll get it.
- Crikey, Bryn!
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132. What is wrong with him, Ness?
He's been like this for weeks.
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133. Bryn. Now, I got the keys.
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134. - Keep it down!
- What?
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135. Shut up, man! She's only
the other side of that glass.
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136. All right. Cool head now.
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137. Here's the keys,
but there's a few housekeeping rules.
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138. Fire away.
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139. The hall is yours
from 8 o'clock tomorrow morning
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140. till the following 1am.
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141. You MUST leave it
in the same condition as you find it.
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142. There must be no smoking,
no narcotics
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143. and no guns.
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144. Outside of that, anything goes.
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145. Right. Thank you,
and thank the boys at Rotary.
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146. We'll be seein' you tomorrow,
of course?
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147. It's tricky. Is Doris going?
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148. Well, yes! Why?
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149. She's not returning my calls, Bryn.
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150. I haven't spoken to her for days.
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151. She's rejected me
as a friend on Facebook.
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152. - I don't know where I stand.
- Look, you've got to remember,
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153. Doris is a player.
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154. You should see her outfit.
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155. She's dressing to impress,
I'll tell you that.
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156. Hiya, Ted! Come in! Come in!
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157. Say, "No".
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158. Do it!
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159. - No.
- Oh.
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160. Say, "Goodbye".
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161. Goodbye.
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162. - Leave.
- Bryn?
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163. NOW!
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164. Well, he wasn't very friendly.
Is there something wrong with him?
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165. Oh, Gwen, get off the guy's back.
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166. He didn't want to talk to you,
deal with it!
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167. Get over it, Gwen.
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168. Are we havin' this cup of tea?
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169. Well, there's something funny
going on in this house.
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170. I'm a mess, Ness.
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171. You gotta keep it together, Bryn.
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172. Less than 24 hours to go.
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173. I know...
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174. but I'm bein' tetchy.
I trust no-one.
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175. It's like being
in the Big Brother house.
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176. I got it.
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177. - No, you're OK.
- I said I got it!
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178. Hello.
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179. - Hiya.
- Are you at the station?
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180. Right, your mother will be
meeting you any second now
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181. and I cannot stress to you enough
how she must be kept away at all costs.
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182. And don't be late,
cos I don't want her wandering round
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183. getting wind of what's going down,
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184. people chatting to her
and what-have-you,
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185. because this is the talk of the town.
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186. Do you understand? Are you sure..?
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187. Right, I gotta go,
I got another call coming in.
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188. Hello?
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189. Jean!
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190. Yes, yes, we're all Iooking forward
to seeing you, yes.
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191. But I must warn you,
any nonsense and you'll have to go.
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192. Well, then you'll be
forcibly removed.
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193. I gotta go, Jean.
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194. You see, that is what I mean,
that is rude.
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195. Hello, stranger! Welcome home.
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196. Happy birthday! I got your present
in my bag.
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197. Oh, that's nice. Do you want
to get a taxi or shall we walk?
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198. - Walk, shall we?
- Yeah.
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199. Smithster!
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200. Oh, what is it? What is it?
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201. Bra bra bra-bra-bra
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202. Brap brap brap brap!
Boo! Boo!
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203. - What time we Ieavin'?
- Fourish?
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204. - You eaten?
- Just had Crunchy Nuts.
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205. Want more?
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206. - You having some?
- Don't mind if I do.
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207. Don't mind if I don't!
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208. There you are, love.
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209. - Did you want some Iunch or something?
- Maybe. What you havin'?
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210. Ooh, I dunno.
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211. - Omelette, maybe?
- Wouldn't mind an omelette.
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212. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
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213. - All right, Stace?
- Hiya!
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214. Got any batteries, Gwen?
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215. I don't know, what sort?
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216. - Two AAs.
- I don't think I have.
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217. I'll take 'em out the remote, then.
You can have 'em back in ten.
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218. - What are you doin'?
- Just havin' a bit of me time.
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219. - Any news on the job or the flat?
- Not really.
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220. It's gettin' me down a bit,
to be honest.
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221. Is it, love?
I thought you seemed low.
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222. I think I'm just missin' home, I am.
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223. - It'd be all right if I had a job.
- I know. It must be ever so hard.
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224. I'm with Pam all day.
She tries her best.
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225. We go fencin' and karate and stuff,
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226. but all I seem to do is sit around
waitin' for Gavin to come home.
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227. I just feel a bit useless.
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228. Oh, come on now.
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229. You made the decision to Iive there.
You gotta give it time.
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230. I don't think I did.
I just went along with it.
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231. Livin' here was never an option,
Gavin wouldn't...
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232. Cheers for that, Gwen. I didn't
need it in the end, as it goes.
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233. So what's occurring, Stace?
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234. She's not feelin' too good.
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235. No, I'm fine. Really, I am.
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236. Did you tell her about the card?
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237. No! Guess who I got a card from
this morning?
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238. - Who?
Jean!
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239. - No!
- Yes! The cheek of the woman!
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240. I put it straight in the bin
and thought,
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241. "If I see that evil witch again,
God knows what I'll say."
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242. Best thing you can do is go up,
be polite, give her a kiss.
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243. A kiss?
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244. A kiss? I didn't kiss her
when we did it! I've never kissed her!
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245. BIoody hell, Smithy, your life!
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246. - Maybe you're meant to be together.
- Oh, do me a flavour!
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247. There's obviously an attraction.
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248. No, there isn't. Is there, Gav?
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249. No. There is no attraction between
him and the mother of his child.
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250. Well, a sexual connection, then.
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251. You've obviously got
a sexual connection.
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252. Loose connection, more like.
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253. I haven't got any money for
the bridge. You got any cash?
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254. I got a couple of quid.
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255. - Don't they take cards?
- Nah, cash only.
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256. What?
Who doesn't take cards nowadays?
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257. It's ridiculous. Everywhere
takes cards. Drive-thrus, Nando's...
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258. if it's over a fiver.
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259. - They take cards on the M6 toll.
- Do they?
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260. I've got three quid and some
shrapnel. How much is it?
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261. Five pound ten.
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262. Five pound ten pence!
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263. I mean, why not make it
either five or six?
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264. All right, Ness?
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265. All right, Dave? You're Iookin' good.
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266. Cheers. What are you drinkin'?
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267. - A Capri Sun.
- Maybe I'll join you.
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268. Maybe you should.
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269. Maybe I will.
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270. I've said to people
that 7.45 is the cut-off.
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271. She's getting here at eight
so if you can't by here by quarter to,
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272. then leave it till quarter past.
That way there'II be no shenanigans.
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273. No danger of her bumping into anyone
in the car park or what-have-you.
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274. What in God's name is Jean doin'
here, Bryn? She just staggered in.
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275. - I know. I invited her, all right?
- What? You dickhead.
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276. Doris, I was low on numbers.
I had no choice.
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277. I hope to God Gwen hasn't
had a drink when she sees her
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278. cos there'II be all hell to pay.
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279. Please don't stress me out.
I'm a nervous wreck as it is.
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280. We'll just have to keep them apart.
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281. Oh, chillax, Bryn.
Get a beer down you.
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282. I'm not gonna stir things up.
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283. Thanks, Dor. I appreciate it.
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284. Jean!
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285. - Oh, my God, look at you!
- Like the outfit, Bryn!
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286. Howdy, pardners!
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287. Welcome to the ho...
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288. I can't do the accent, Pam.
It's this get-up.
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289. I feel like I want to be called Tex.
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290. Well, you look Iovely, darlin'!
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291. All it is, right, I put it together
myself, it isn't hired.
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292. I bought the hat, this is just
a big hanky, and these...
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293. these are just a pair
of denim jeans, Mick.
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294. I feel like a member of Bewitched.
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295. So where are the boys?
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296. - They're just outside.
- What?
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297. - What do you think you're doing?
- All right, Bryn.
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298. - Hey, it's Woody from Toy Story!
- Don't get smart with me, Columbo.
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299. What if Gwen and Stacey went by
and saw you two?
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300. - What?
- Get inside. Now!
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301. Come on!
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302. - Have I got time for the Ioo?
- NO!
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303. BIoody hell, Bryn!
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304. Look, no-one is going to ruin
this surprise, all right?
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305. Bryn, calm down, mate,
you'll give yourself a heart attack.
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306. Ted! What the hell are you doing?
Get in here!
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307. Sorry, I'm late.
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308. Right...
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309. If anyone is expecting friends, will
you please phone them and explain...?
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310. What it was, they've closed
PIassey Street, see,
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311. there's no diversion
and I was bursting...
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312. Oh, my Lord, they're here!
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313. Right, everybody, into position.
Doris, Iights. Band, stage.
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314. Ted! Please be quiet.
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315. Everybody stand still,
nobody make a sound!
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316. Ted! Shut up!
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317. - Shhh.
- Bryn...
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318. Bugger!
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319. - Jesus! Look at the size of that.
- Well, she is six months pregnant.
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320. I know, but come on, that's ridiculous.
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321. She's Iooking at me, right at me.
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322. - So?
- Ssh!
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323. Surprise!
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324. Surprise! Surprise!
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325. Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!
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326. Surprise!
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327. YES!
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328. Get this on, birthday girl!
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329. You're havin' a barn dance.
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330. Oh, thank you ever so much!
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331. What the hell is Jean doin' here?
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332. OK, is everybody happy with that?
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333. I'll give you two minutes
to sort yourselves out.
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334. I'll never get the hang of this.
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335. Yes, you will! Course you will.
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336. It's in, out, walk, walk, walk.
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337. In, out, walk, walk, walk.
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338. - You all right with that now, Dor?
- Yes.
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339. And are you partnered up?
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340. Oh, Ted, for Christ's sake, change
the record. You're just needy, man.
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341. I was only askin'.
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342. Only askin'. You're only pokin' me
every day on Facebook.
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343. You're only followin' me
round Costcutter or Lidl...
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344. - It's just...
- No. We were never exclusive.
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345. And I don't need this heavy shit.
So shut up and show me the moves.
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346. Sorry, Pam.
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347. Mick, what am I gonna do about that?
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348. Well, you could try
calling her Nessa for a start.
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349. But what do I say?
How do I play this?
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350. I dunno.
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351. Come on, you've done this
Ioads of times.
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352. Eh?
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353. Everyone knows you were
a dirty dog in your day.
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354. Just play it cool, Trigger.
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355. Are you part of this formation or what?
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356. Yeah, sorry. Look, just, go up,
ask about the baby, break the ice,
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357. that's all you need to do.
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358. Mick... you're a dream.
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359. Hi.
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360. All right?
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361. - Yeah, I'm good. You?
- Yeah. Good.
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362. - This is Dave. Do you know Dave?
- No. Hello, mate. Smithy. All right?
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363. So, is everything all right with...?
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364. - Yeah. Good.
- Great.
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365. Right, well...
I'll see you in a bit, then.
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366. And the look on her face when
she walked through that door.
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367. She wasn't happy to see Jean.
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368. - This Jean thing's getting out of hand.
- Who's Jean?
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369. - The one with Mum and the scissors.
- She's HERE? Oh, my God!
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370. Who's Dave?
What's with him and her?
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371. They're just friends. They've always
Iiked each other an' that.
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372. Friends with benefits,
I think they call it, Smithy!
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373. Oh, my God. Jean's heading
for your mother. Jean! Jean!
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374. I'm gonna do some shots.
Want some?
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375. Smithy, are you jealous?
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376. Pff! No. I feel for the bloke.
Couple of sambuccas?
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377. Nah, we gotta get up early
and drive back.
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378. All right.
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379. What you on about? I thought
we were staying all weekend.
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380. I want to get back
and so do Mum and Dad.
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381. Great, so I don't get
any time with anyone?
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382. You're seein' everyone tonight,
aren't you?
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383. Hardly. I've not even spoken to Ness.
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384. That's not my fault.
I'd like to spend time at home.
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385. You've been there all day.
You didn't leave till four.
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386. I didn't realise it was such a big deal!
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387. It is!
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388. - Stay here, then.
- What?
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389. - Don't come back with us.
- And you're happy with that?
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390. Well, you don't have anything
to rush back for.
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391. OK, are we all ready? Gents, put
your Iadies on your right-hand side.
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392. Jump out... in... one, two, three
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393. and turn, out... in...
one, two, three.
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394. Right arm.
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395. And the left arm.
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396. CIap to your partner...
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397. Together, right,
together, left,
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398. together, right,
together, left, and do-si-do.
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399. Swing your partner.
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400. Now keep those movements
in your minds,
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401. because you're gonna
do them again in a minute.
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402. Here's Doris to tell you more
about it. Welcome, Doris!
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403. Now, we've got a special guest
for this next number...
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404. Well, two special guests.
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405. who haven't performed together
since Judith's funeral in '96.
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406. Let's hear it for Bryn and Nessa!
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407. Thank you very much, everyone.
Gwen, this one is for you.
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408. It was you and Trevor's favourite song
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409. and it is dedicated to the pair of you.
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410. And as a footnote to that
I'd just like to add,
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411. that I'm not just singing this
for you, Gwen, or Trevor.
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412. I was, but now I'm singing it
for another someone special,
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413. who's come back into my life recently
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414. and I wanna thank him
for everything he's done.
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415. So this is for you...
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416. Dave.
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417. Hello, Jason.
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418. Uncle Bryn.
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419. - So when are you going back?
- Oh, thanks! I've only just got here!
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420. You know what I meant!
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421. Maybe a couple of weeks,
if that's OK.
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422. Oh. But I'm not down again
till the end of the month.
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423. - Maybe I could come up and see you.
- Yeah...
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424. Well, I'll have to check with Pam,
maybe.
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425. Yes, Gay Jay! Whooo!
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426. I tell you what, I am Ioving
the barn dancing. I'm all over it.
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427. All right, Smithy. Hiya, Gav.
How's it going?
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428. - I was thinking about you...
- We're just heading out for a fag.
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429. - A fag-Ieje, Jean Peterson! Adieu.
- See you in a bit, then.
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430. - So, how you findin' the...?
- Hang on a minute, Jase.
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431. Well, you could have warned me!
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432. He's my brother! He should be here!
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433. I thought of inviting him,
but I didn't think he'd come.
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434. He's gay. It's a barn dance.
Of course he's gonna come.
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435. I know what they're all thinking,
I can hear them whispering.
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436. Four times I've heard the words,
"fishing trip".
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437. Now you're being paranoid!
No-one knows about the fishing trip.
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438. That bloody fishin' trip, Bryn.
When's it gonna end, eh?
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439. Night, all.
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440. - Gav, I need to talk to you.
- Yeah?
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441. On our own.
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442. Yeah.
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443. So I have to go, do I? Hideous.
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444. - What's up? You OK?
- Not really, no.
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445. Oh, you don't really mind
going back early, do you?
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446. Jason was tryin' to talk to you
and you ignored him.
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447. No, I didn't. I said hello.
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448. And you said you'd come down with me
this morning,
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449. and for some reason
you changed your mind.
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450. - Oh, come on. You're over-reacting.
- Am I?
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451. See... I don't think I am.
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452. Cos since we got married,
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453. my family and my home
is just not important any more.
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454. Course it is.
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455. I don't think you realise how much
I miss bein' here, Gav. Cos I do.
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456. I really miss it, every day.
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457. - Aw, come here, babe, I'm sorry...
- No, I'm pissed off!
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458. I was Iooking forward to tonight.
It's all that's kept me going.
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459. But you don't care, cos you've got
your home, your family,
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460. nothing's changed for you.
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461. - When we get our own place...
- We're not getting our own place...
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462. - I don't wanna Iive at Mum and Dad's.
- Renting would be something.
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463. I don't want to rent.
It's just throwing money away.
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464. - You keep saying that.
- I'm just Iooking ahead.
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465. Gavin, you're so busy
Iooking ahead
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466. that you can't even see
what's happening today, now!
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467. What's this all about?
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468. I feel like I'm all on my own.
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469. What?
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470. I'm really Ionely.
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471. I think it's better if I stay.
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472. Maybe that's what you need.
A couple of days. Jason's here.
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473. No. I think it's better
if I stay here.
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474. I'm sorry, Gav,
but I'm not coming back.
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475. That's what I'm saying.
It'll do you good.
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476. - I'll pick you up on Friday...
- Gavin, you're not listening to me.
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477. I don't want to Iive there any more.
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