Gavin & Stacey 2x2

1. What?

2. I'm pregnant.

3. And you're the father.

4. - How long have YOU known about this? - I just found out tonight.

5. Bullshit!

6. - I did! - We all found out tonight!

7. So everyone found out before me!

8. No. I found out exactly the same time as you, Smithy.

9. - I bet SHE knew! - I only found out on the wedding.

10. That was over three weeks ago.

11. - Come on, mate. - Don't "come on" me, this is your fault!

12. - How? - You and, 'er, ringing and texting,

13. arranging to meet up in Leicester square.

14. If you hadn't dragged me there, none of this would have happened!

15. - It didn't happen that day. - What?

16. - It happened at Pam and Mick's. - In the garden.

17. That? That doesn't count. That was rubbish!

18. I know.

19. I can't deal with this.

20. Smith!

21. Smithy!

22. Hey, hey, hang on a minute.

23. Smith, just give us a ring. Wherever you are, we'll come and get you.

24. We could be driving all night. I don't know where to start.

25. Well, you know more than me, Mick. This is virgin territory to me.

26. I feel like I'm on patrol with the police, driving around, Iooking for a crook.

27. Where has he gone?

28. Where will he be?

29. Will we have to Iean on someone to get a Iead?

30. You just keep your eyes peeled, Bryn.

31. - What about Lucy's? - I don't know where she Iives.

32. - I don't even know her second name. - How come?

33. I've only met her twice - at his granddad's funeral,

34. and washing cars with the Brownies.

35. Gosh! The Brownies! How old IS she, exactly?

36. She's 18 next week.

37. She helps out... she's the Tawny Owl or something.

38. Where the hell has he got to? Try phoning him again.

39. Sierra Oscar to 515 receiving...

40. Still NO sign of Smithy.

41. I repeat, NO sign. Over.

42. Right, I've put the kettle on for those that want tea.

43. But personally, I'm having a brandy.

44. I've got to take the edge off, Gwen.

45. I know what you mean. You haven't got any port, have you?

46. Oh, I think so. Stace?

47. I'll have a dry sherry, I think.

48. Girls, is there any alcohol in Baileys?

49. - Only a bit. It's mainly cream. - If you want my advice, I wouldn't.

50. Not at your age, and with you being, you know...

51. - Overweight. - Stocky.

52. - Large. - Fair play. I'll stick to the tea.

53. I'll do it, my love. You sit down.

54. You're all right. I need to take my mind off the fact

55. that I'm pregnant by a man I can't stand.

56. All right, my love. You go ahead.

57. That poor girl! What IS she gonna do?

58. I mean, I love Smithy to bits, but he's not father material.

59. - I mean, not yet. - Well, nor was my Trevor.

60. When I fell pregnant with Jason,

61. all hell was let loose. He couldn't cope.

62. He was drinking and gambling and fighting and all sorts.

63. Drugs, orgies, robberies...

64. Really?

65. - Seriously? Dad? - Oh, yes.

66. He couldn't bear the fact he was no longer free.

67. And he took it out on Jason.

68. He resented him. And I think that's what turned Jason gay.

69. Really? Well, that's interesting.

70. Because Denise and Paul across the road,

71. their daughter, Nicola, is a Iesbian gay.

72. And she has NEVER got on with Denise.

73. So I'm wondering, don't get on with the mother - Iesbian gay,

74. you don't get on with the dad - gay gay.

75. Have you thought about what you're going do?

76. Where are you going to Iive? Cos you can't carry on where you are.

77. - She Iives, Pam, with a band. - What?

78. They're called The Distance. Three of them were in Catatonia...

79. - And the Iittle Welsh one from Hear'Say. - Noel.

80. Well, that is no place to bring up a child, my love.

81. I know. But what can I do? Richard said I can go there,

82. but Judy won't have it. Not after what happened last time.

83. What it was, Pam, I was their nanny back in the day.

84. Oh, right.

85. They'd come home, after a morning's work,

86. Judy'd be straight on the whisky, and me and Rich, we'd make love.

87. Sometimes for whole Sundays.

88. And then he'd do his Ali G.

89. - It's the one off the Mayflower Road. - All right. Got you.

90. I've only ever been to a drive-thru once in my life.

91. The one at Culverhouse Cross.

92. I went with Nessa and the boys from The Distance. But I have to say,

93. I was blown away by it.

94. I mean, the whole idea that you can eat a meal

95. without even leaving your car.

96. I felt like I was in the United States of America.

97. Filet-O-Fish...

98. for my wife...

99. For my wife.

100. Yes, please?

101. - Hiya... is Smithy here? - Yeah. Hang on a minute. Smithy?

102. Just coming.

103. All right? All right, Gav, all right, Mick?

104. - Hiya. - Hello, I'm Bryn!

105. - Bryn, this is Rudi, Smithy's sister. - Hello, Rudi!

106. Call me Smithy. Everyone else does.

107. Ho ho! Well, there's a thing, I know your brother, and I call HIM Smithy!

108. All right, Bryn. Have you seen him?

109. - Smithy? Nah. Why? - It's a long story. We can't find him.

110. Well, there's a young girl, well, youngish. And he's only gone and...

111. I think we should let Smithy do the talking on this one.

112. I sit corrected. I'm putting my window up.

113. Ignore me. I'm Mr BIabbermouth.

114. - So you ain't seen him at all? - No, I ain't spoken to him in days.

115. He's had the right hump since you've been away. You know Lucy's grounded?

116. Yeah.

117. - Ten B&H - what's the big deal? - Cheers. We'll keep Iooking.

118. You tried the driving range?

119. Of course! The driving range! He always goes there when he's upset.

120. Course he does.

121. When West Ham got relegated and lost the play-off final.

122. - When Pam told him to go on a diet. - That's where he'll be.

123. - Of course you can! - Really?

124. Makes sense to me.

125. Look, Stacey's room is empty now, so why let it go to waste?

126. Just till you get on your feet.

127. - Till the baby's born at least. - You don't want to be on your own.

128. That's the last thing you want when you're going into childbirth.

129. - Don't you think, Stace? - What's that?

130. We were just saying, it makes sense for Nessa to move in with me.

131. Where? Where's she gonna stay?

132. - In your old room. - In the spare room.

133. But that's my bedroom!

134. - Where are me and Gav gonna sleep? - You'll have to stay at Bryn's, love.

135. But I don't want to stay at Bryn's!

136. If I'm coming home, I wanna come home.

137. But this is your home now, Stace.

138. And you can't expect me to keep an empty room going

139. just in case you decide to pop in on a whim.

140. This isn't my home, it's Pam and Mick's.

141. And yours now, darling.

142. It's not! It never will be! It's just a room in a house, that's all.

143. - Oh, charming! - Hey, come on, no need to be rude.

144. I'm being rude? You're kicking me out!

145. Stacey!

146. - Stacey. - Look, just forget it.

147. I'll stay with The Distance.

148. Shame you can't hit them like that when you're actually playing, isn't it?

149. I'm sorry about before, mate.

150. It's not your fault. I just didn't know what to say, really.

151. That's OK.

152. How're you feeling, all right?

153. I dunno. I dunno how I'm feeling. It's ridiculous.

154. You've got to come back. You've got to talk to her.

155. What am I gonna say?

156. I can't be a dad! Look at me!

157. I can barely look after myself, let alone someone else.

158. And as for her... um...

159. - Nessa. - Yeah. I don't even like her.

160. - Well, you Iiked her enough to... - All right. I know, but...

161. what am I gonna do, man?

162. I don't know about nappies, or burping, or umbilical cords.

163. - No-one knows those things. - Eh?

164. That's the point. It's a Iearning curve for everyone.

165. Yeah, but I ain't got no money, I ain't got a flat... nothing!

166. Where's it gonna stay?

167. Listen. The night Pam gave birth to him,

168. I left that hospital - and don't get me wrong - I was flying as high as a kite.

169. But the minute I got home, I just Iay in bed and I couldn't sleep.

170. I was petrified. Cos for the life of me,

171. I couldn't see how I was gonna bring up this Iittle boy.

172. I still felt like a boy myself.

173. But then you realise, everyone feels that way.

174. No-one's ready. And yes, it was easier for me and Pam, we were married.

175. But you and Nessa, you'll be OK.

176. You'll make mistakes. But you'll get there, one day at a time.

177. You will. And I tell you, it's a hell of a journey.

178. He's right, Smithy.

179. And no matter how scared you are,

180. poor Iittle Ness is back at Pam's not knowing which way to turn.

181. You gotta come back, mate. You gotta do the right thing.

182. - Have you been the drive-thru? - Yes.

183. - What did you have? - We shared some fries.

184. Did you get me anything?

185. I thought you could have a bit of my apple pie.

186. Cheers, Bryn.

187. - Ooh, give it a minute. - It's quite hot.

188. Thanks, guys.

189. It's a funny old night, isn't it?

190. I know. I feels very tense.

191. Would you like a Iittle Indian head massage?

192. I won't, if you don't mind.

193. I can't bear being touched from the waist up.

194. Including my chest. Waist down, I'm fine...

195. If anything, I loves it.

196. But waist up,

197. just makes me nauseous.

198. Oh.

199. Pam, I'm sorry about what I said about your house not being my home.

200. It's not, really, but it is. So I'm sorry.

201. That's all right, my love.

202. So what about the room?

203. Do I stay or do I go now?

204. The room's yours, Ness.

205. - Isn't it, Stace? - Yeah. You can have it.

206. Mum's getting an airbed for when we come down.

207. Tidy. I've already spoken to Noel.

208. He said wherever I go, whatever I do, he's gonna be there. Pure and simple.

209. Oh, here they are!

210. - Did you find him? Is he dead? - Yeah, he's fine.

211. - He's just on the phone to Lucy. - Panic over, Pam.

212. Oh, thank you, Jesus, Holy Son of God.

213. - What are you doing? You're not Catholic. - It's what you do in times of crisis.

214. Like Brenda Fricker used to do on Casualty.

215. But you're not Catholic. That's a Catholic thing!

216. - Is it? Are you sure? - Yeah.

217. Well, I never knew that!

218. I'll leave the door on the Iatch, Smithy.

219. Where did you find him? Driving range?

220. Yes! And I've never been to one before, Pam.

221. Golf-wise, I have Iived a very sheltered life.

222. I'm gonna make a cup of tea. Anyone else want one?

223. Yes, please. Two sugars.

224. I'm gonna have a brandy, take the edge off.

225. Me, too. Good idea.

226. Guess what. Mum's said Nessa can move into my room.

227. And when we visit, we gotta sleep on an airbed.

228. - That's all right, isn't it? - What, you're not bothered?

229. Well, we can stay at Bryn's, can't we?

230. But it's my bedroom, Gav.

231. - Don't you think it's out of order? - Not really, no.

232. This is your home now, babe. With me.

233. Yeah. I guess.

234. Come on. Smithy's back.

235. Did you get through to Lucy?

236. - No. She still at the gymkhana. - I thought she was grounded.

237. It doesn't apply to horse-based events.

238. Right.

239. Vanessa...

240. - Will you...? - Oh, get up!

241. - What? - What you playin' at?

242. What do you mean? You said I had to do the right thing!

243. He didn't mean propose.

244. You said it was easier cos you were married.

245. YOU said I should do the right thing. I don't want to marry that.

246. I don't wanna marry you. I'd have said no.

247. - Yeah, course you would(!) - Oh! Don't diss me in front of people.

248. I'd have said no.

249. Why? I'm a catch!

250. He is.

251. I'm a hoot, aren't I, Pam?

252. Well, yes, but you're not everyone's cup of tea, darling.

253. Well, beggars can't have a choice.

254. Choosers. I mean, have you Iooked in the mirror recently?

255. You look like you should be in Amsterdam doing tricks with Mars bars.

256. Oh, thanks a lot, Stace(!) That was over ten years ago.

257. What?

258. - Eh? - I said forget it!

259. I'll have you know there's many an Englishman proposed to me,

260. and only one I've ever said yes to. And that scarred me for life.

261. - What happened? - He was a cracking bloke, Jared.

262. But he was in all sorts of trouble with the tax man,

263. and he died whilst faking his own death.

264. It's the worst way to go, Pam.

265. I don't care about all this. I don't even know why I'm here.

266. Maybe you need to both be on your own. You need to talk.

267. What about? What am I meant to say?

268. Look, I'm havin' this baby. I'm keepin' it. But I don't want you involved.

269. - I don't even want you seein' it. - No! No way. If I'm having a baby,

270. I'm havin' a baby. And no-one is gonna stop me from seeing my boy.

271. I'll dress up as Batman and tie myself to the London Eye if I have to.

272. Whatever it takes. Cos if I'm gonna be a dad, I'm gonna be a proper dad.

273. Cos you're gonna need me. You're gonna be huge. I mean, colossal.

274. You are, Ness. You're gonna be massive.

275. And I'm petrified.

276. And I'll make mistakes.

277. But we'll get there, one step at a time.

278. And I tell you,

279. it's gonna be a hell of a journey. Isn't that right, Mick?

280. That's right.

281. Cheers, Bryn.

282. I appreciate that.

283. What are you doing?

284. I want some meat, so I've got to eat it now,

285. cos when that lot come in, I'll be on them disgusting veggie sausages.

286. It's like eating cardboard.

287. Why not just tell them you're not a vegetarian any more?

288. - Morning! - Morning!

289. Sit yourselves down! Mick, move those supplements.

290. Shift these out the way. Did you sleep all right?

291. Not really, I didn't have much room.

292. That shower is out of this world.

293. - I could have stayed in there all day. - The one downstairs?

294. Now, is that what you'd call a power shower?

295. - I guess so. - It's too much for me, Gwen.

296. You get in there and it blasts you in the face.

297. Well, I feel as clean as a whistle.

298. That's the Iongest shower I've ever had in my life.

299. 26 minutes.

300. - Hiya. - Morning, Mrs Shipman.

301. Still feels weird, calling me that!

302. Oh, have I got breath? Cos there was Ioads of garlic in that garlic bread.

303. No, it's fine, just talk on an in-breath.

304. What?

305. Y'know, like, "Morning!"

306. Can I try one of your special sausages, Pam? Are they nice?

307. D'you know what, I honestly can't tell the difference.

308. Everyone all right? Can I get anyone anything?

309. Fine.

310. I'm gonna have some peanut butter

311. AND some jam!

312. And I'll tell you for why. I've got a friend, Tony.

313. One of my online buddies, he is, and he Iives in New Orleans at the aerodrome.

314. He's having to stay there until he gets back on his feet.

315. And HE has for breakfast...

316. cos whenever we speak, Iunchtime here is breakfast over there,

317. and I say to him, "What are you having for breakfast?"

318. And he says...

319. "Peanut butter and jelly."

320. Now, when he says jelly, he means jam!

321. I can't wait till I tell him about this. He'll be beside himself!

322. You all right, my darling? Did you sleep all right?

323. - Not really, no. - Come and sit down. What can I get you?

324. - I'm all right, thanks, Pam. - You've got to eat something, Smithy.

325. - I'll just have a couple of sausages. - Couple of sausages, right.

326. - And some of that bacon. - OK.

327. And an egg. Just the one.

328. Cheers.

329. Just haven't got much of an appetite.

330. Everyone all right for drinks?

331. - Tea, coffee, juice? - No, thanks! I'm fine!

332. - Don't worry about a thing. - Lovely. Lovely.

333. It's gonna be a Iovely day by all accounts.

334. - It's gonna be nice all week, apparently. - It said in the paper it might rain.

335. - Really? - Yeah, quite hard.

336. I always have the radio on over breakfast.

337. - Oh, yeah, let's have the radio on! - Great idea!

338. All right?

339. Stacey's just jumped in the shower.

340. What?

341. - BIoody hell! - Oh, my Christ!

342. - Mum! - What?

343. What have you brought all this for?

344. You said to bring all your stuff!

345. - Where's it gonna go? - We've not got room for all this!

346. I didn't mean everything! Just the stuff I need.

347. You should have said. We worked hard to pack all this up.

348. You should have been more specific.

349. Well, I didn't think you'd bring the giraffe.

350. Giraffe?

351. - For goodness sake! - Pam!

352. I can't believe this. Ness, why didn't you stop them?

353. Oh. Don't blame me, I'm just the driver.

354. Hey, take a chill pill, Stace. Keep it real. It's not your mother's fault.

355. You can take out the stuff you need and the rest we'll take to the tip.

356. - You're not throwing it away! - OK, we'll take it to Second Hand City.

357. I wouldn't bother. When I worked there, they had no call for this type of thing.

358. It's all three-piece suites now, that's your money.

359. There's stuff I don't want NOW, but I might want when we've got our own place!

360. - We can't take it back. - Why?

361. - Well, we've done the room up. - Done it up?

362. Stace... you wouldn't recognise the place.

363. I've only got the skirtings to do - job done.

364. Cream it is, Pam. Cream and plum.

365. - That sounds nice. - I don't believe this!

366. You've been waiting to get rid of me. When I got married, you went,

367. "Right, get rid of her and all her stuff."

368. It wasn't like that at all.

369. I found it all very upsetting, if you must know.

370. - Sorry, Pam. - Oh, Gwen.

371. Look, Stace, have a sift through, pick out what you need now,

372. then all the stuff you want, we'll stick in the garage.

373. The rest can go to the tip or Second Hand City.

374. - It's not actually a city, Mick. - It's a shop.

375. Thank you.

376. - Sorry. - No, you're all right, it's fine.

377. Oh.

378. - I go for my scan in a few weeks. - Right, do you need me to...?

379. No. I'm just telling you.

380. - How are you getting back today? - I'm taking the truck.

381. - Is it...? - It is your baby.

382. - I know. - It is.

383. I know.

384. I was gonna say, is it safe to be driving that thing...?

385. Yeah, I'm fine till 32 weeks.

386. Well, I'd like to come down if that's all right, for the scan with you, yeah?

387. You know, if we're gonna do this, I want to do it properly.

388. I'll give you some money towards it...

389. - I'm not gonna be an arsehole about it. - Tidy.

390. Right.

391. Right, so that's the stuff you want in my room - I mean, our room -

392. that's going in the garage...

393. - God knows where. - Pam!

394. Well, we'll find a way, but I'm just saying it's gonna be a squeeze.

395. And then that...

396. That's going to Second Hand City.

397. Will they take a foot spa at Second Hand City? Would you buy a used foot spa?

398. I don't know. We'll have to ask Ness. Nessa, will they take this, d'you think?

399. Has it got a box?

400. - Not that I know of. - No.

401. No way. Not a chance. They'll Iaugh you out of there, Bryn.

402. Just bin it then.

403. It's half past now. Shouldn't we get going?

404. But I've got to help Mick with all this.

405. You're all right. You're sticking around for a bit, aren't you?

406. Yeah, I ain't going to Lucy's till six. She's at an all-day swimming gala.

407. She never stops, that girl!

408. She'll stop tonight when I tell her I'm the father of someone else's child.

409. Right, I'll just go and get the keys.

410. I'm gonna fire her up and get on the road, Gwen.

411. There's no need for us to convoy.

412. Anyway I'm stopping off at Heston to see Ozzie and a few of the Stobart boys.

413. Right, shall we join you there?

414. No. It's truckers only, I'm afraid.

415. Stace, I'll see you.

416. Take it easy, Mick.

417. Increase the peace, Pam.

418. - So, I'll... - I'll give you a ring.

419. Tidy. Oh, Gav, you gonna give me a bunk up? It's no joke in this skirt.

420. Yeah, OK.

421. - See you back at base, Ness. - Cracking.

422. Well, this is it then.

423. - Oh, bye, Gwen. - Bye, Pam,

424. - Thanks ever so much for having us. - Sorry about all the stuff.

425. Don't worry. We'll find a place for it somewhere!

426. Look after our Iittle girl now.

427. I'm gonna miss this.

428. - What? - Nothing.

429. - See you, Uncle Bryn. - Now, there'II be no tears.

430. We're just a phone call away...

431. I love you.

432. Take it easy, Bryn-Ia!

433. - When d'you think you'll next be down? - I dunno. Two weeks maybe?

434. That's something to look forward to, isn't it?

435. Hey, now! No need to cry.

436. It just doesn't feel right, this.

437. It feels like I should be coming with you, coming home.

438. But this IS your home now.

439. I mean, Nessa's havin' a baby and I'm not even there, and... I dunno.

440. - It just feels wrong! - Now listen.

441. It just feels funny cos it's new,

442. but give it a few days and you'll have forgotten all about us.

443. - No, I won't. - Oh, Stace.

444. This is a whole new chapter in your life, a brand new start.

445. You've got a cracking husband,

446. Iovely in-Iaws, of course it's going to be strange to start with,

447. but you gotta remember, love,

448. you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.

449. Oh, come here.

450. You'll never know how much I'm gonna miss you.

451. Right. No more tears now.

452. - I'll look after her. - I know you will.

453. - Bye, Gwen. - Take care!

454. Do we have to have James BIunt all the way home?

455. What is your problem with him? He's got a cracking voice.

456. I'd just like to listen to something a bit more uplifting, that's all!

457. Can we just have the one about the wise men by the sea?

458. And then you'll change it...

459. 1-9, rubber duck.

460. - Dame Judi Dench, do you read me? - Hello, Robert.

461. - How's it going, Mr Mugabe? - I won't Iie to you, Jude,

462. I've just found out there's a four-car pile-up on the M4.

463. So if you want my advice, you'll come off at junction 11

464. and take the A48 all the way to Chepstow.

465. Fair enough. Message received and understood.

466. 10-4. Tidy.

467. It's the Iyrics more than anything. They just don't make sense!

468. - Stacey? - Yeah?

469. What would you like for your tea, darling?