1. We set a date.
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2. - Gavin and Stacey!
- Gavin and Stacey!
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3. Bryn, we are not to mention
the other engagements.
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4. - Stace will tell you when she's ready.
- I don't see the point of upsetting him.
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5. When I get married in six weeks' time,
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6. I want you standing there next to me...
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7. as my best man.
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8. Oh, Stace.
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9. - I'm in a right mess.
- What do you mean?
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10. - I'm late, aren't I?
- Are you sure?
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11. Yes, you know me - regular as clockwork.
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12. Whose is it then?
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13. So how many of you are goin'?
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14. I dunno... nine? Ten?
Smithy's organising it, isn't he?
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15. I'm so worried...
What if you meet someone else?
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16. How? Who? Anyway, what about you...
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17. You're all going out in Cardiff
dressed as schoolgirls!
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18. I know...
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19. Well, just tell me you're not gonna
have sex with a lapdancer.
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20. - What?
- Just say...
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21. 'I'm not gonna have sex with a lapdancer.'
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22. - I won't! I promise.
- Say it!
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23. I'm not gonna have sex with a lapdancer.
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24. Hi, Carol.
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25. - Who's Carol?
- Look...
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26. Would you feel better if I took my phone?
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27. I thought Smithy said no phones?
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28. - I know but if it'll make you feel better.
- Oh, thanks, babe.
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29. No worries.
And if it goes to voicemail,
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30. it's probably cos I'm having sex
with a lapdancer.
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31. I tell you what.
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32. I still can't get over last night.
You were phenomenal.
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33. Really? I was worried it might've
been too much for ya.
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34. - Oh, God, no.
- Well...
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35. you just play your cards right,
sweet cheeks,
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36. you never know what might happen tonight.
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37. Go on say it, now, quickly!
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38. - No!
- Go on!
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39. - No!
- Please, just whisper it!
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40. It's always been you...
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41. Camilla.
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42. Mum, you seen my wax?
What you doing?
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43. - Nothing!
- What's with the food?
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44. - We ain't sticking round.
- Gavin.
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45. You've got to line your stomachs.
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46. - Toga party, is it?
- What?
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47. Nah...
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48. Smithy'll be here in a minute,
keep him downstairs, will ya?
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49. Our little boy having his stag night, eh?
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50. Oh, I know.
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51. Oh, don't get me started.
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52. Why aren't you going?
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53. - It's not too late.
- Nah.
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54. I've had it with stags. I've only
just got over Chinese Alan's.
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55. Hey, he's getting married again.
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56. To that one that was in EastEnders.
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57. I know! Gita. So is he going tonight?
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58. Chinese Alan? Oh, yeah...
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59. There's him, Budgie, Luggy,
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60. Gary'n'Simon, Dirtbox, Fingers,
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61. Smithy, Swede and Jesus.
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62. - So is Andy not going?
- Oh, no, don't think so.
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63. Hiya boys!
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64. - Dirtbox! You're looking well.
- Not looking too bad yourself!
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65. - Hello, Pam, how ya doin'? You all right?
- Hiya, Dirtbox!
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66. There's plenty of beers so help yourselves,
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67. but please make sure you have
at least two sandwiches.
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68. Come here, you little minx.
Give me a hug!
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69. Get of me, you big brute!
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70. Jesus, look at them.
Cracking vol au vents, Pam.
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71. All right, boys?
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72. Get that on and get that drunk.
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73. - There's a cab pulling up!
- That'll be Chinese Alan. Chinese!
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74. - Chinese!
- Chinese!
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75. - Someone order a Chinese?
- Yeah!
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76. Cos I couldn't get no appointment,
could I?
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77. - Said it was for emergencies only.
- Well, when you gonna go then?
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78. Seeing him Tuesday, aren't I?
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79. Why don't we just buy a tester kit?
Get it over with.
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80. - They're 15 quid!
- Really?
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81. Well, I'll lend you the money.
Why don't we get one now from Morrisons?
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82. - Leave it, Stace.
- Imagine if you are. Would you keep it?
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83. - I said leave it.
- But what's Smithy gonna say?
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84. Are you gonna tell him?
Oh, can I be godmother?
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85. Look. I don't want to talk
about it no more.
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86. At the end of the day it's your night
and, if truth be told,
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87. all I want to do is go out,
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88. get shit-faced, and have a curry
or a fight down Caroline Street.
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89. - Oh, you're such a good friend.
- I know.
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90. Well, this is a joke, Smithy.
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91. - Yeah, making a man queue on his
stag night.
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92. - Yeah. - You should've seen him,
'I'm gonna give him the best night ever!
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93. 'You won't believe it!' It's gonna
be the night of the year, he said!
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94. How come I'm getting it in the neck?
Shouldn't we be taking the piss out of him?
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95. Look at the beard!
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96. - Off to work, ladies?
- Put your tongues back in, you pervs!
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97. - Did you see the state of that?
- Rotten.
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98. - She was all right.
- Smithy, man.
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99. You've got, like, no standards.
Like, zero standards.
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100. - How d'you mean?
- You'll go with anyone.
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101. I think you could be right, you know.
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102. I can't think of a single woman
I wouldn't let give me a little nosh.
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103. - Oh, man. He's serious.
- Go on. Name one. Any woman.
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104. - Ann Widdecombe.
- Why not?
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105. - All right, Nadia from Big Brother.
- Bring it on.
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106. But she's a bloke.
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107. Shut your eyes, great babylons,
who am I to quibble?
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108. - Janette Krankie!
- Yeah, Janette Krankie!
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109. Seriously, I would love to have
a go on Janette Krankie.
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110. Not in the uniform, as long
as she don't do the voice.
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111. You could both do it standing up!
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112. - No stag parties. Sorry.
- Oh, Jesus!
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113. Don't have a go at me!
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114. It's part of the stag experience.
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115. Hey, it's gonna be crackin'.
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116. There's a rugby tournament on tomorrow
and they're all out in town.
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117. Under 21s, the whole lot of them.
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118. - Erin's gone home.
- Aw, what?
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119. Oh, Stace, she was twatted.
She said sorry.
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120. - No, she didn't, she couldn't speak.
- Ah, fair play.
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121. - Is that her sick outside?
- Some of it's hers. And some of it's Sean's.
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122. - Who's Sean?
- The scrum half.
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123. She copped off with him.
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124. - He puked on her leg.
- She puked on his back.
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125. - Ah, it was hilarious.
- Right. Come on girls, down in one.
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126. - To Stacey!
- To Stacey!
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127. Right, my round.
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128. Same again?
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129. I'll have a pint... of wine.
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130. I really like your mate.
Is it Fingers?
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131. - Yeah, yeah. He's gay.
- He's gay.
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132. Very, very gay.
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133. - We've known each other for years.
- Best mates since we were four.
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134. Oh, sweet!
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135. So what is it you do then?
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136. - We're singers.
- Really?
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137. Yeah. He's Preston from
the Ordinary Boys.
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138. Oh, my God!
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139. - And he's the fat one in Glo.
- Who?
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140. Glo. They came second on the X Factor.
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141. - Shut up!
- He is! He's the fat one, look.
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142. Oh, yeah. You are!
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143. Hi, how's it goin'?
Nice to meet you.
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144. - See?
- So, what's with the T-shirts then?
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145. Well, Gavin is an ordinary boy's name
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146. - and my band is the Ordinary Boys.
- So...
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147. - So, what you doing here then?
- Just out with the lads.
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148. Yeah. Chico, Eton Road
and little Ray are there.
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149. - No, they're not!
- Chico! Nah, he can't hear me.
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150. Oh, it's Gareth Gates...
I'll take it outside, he'll be ages.
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151. So... what d'you think of our
version of Bo-Rap?
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152. Some people say it's better than Queen.
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153. All right, love.
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154. Yeah, it's great! Smithy's on fire.
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155. You're not snogging any girls
or nothin', are you?
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156. No, baby, don't be stupid.
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157. - How's your night going?
- Aww. We're having a lovely time.
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158. Everyone's really shit-faced.
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159. Brilliant. Well, listen, you
enjoy yourself, OK?
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160. OK. Speak to you tomorrow.
Love you.
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161. Love you too.
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162. - Excuse me, are you Stacey West?
- Yeah.
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163. I'm PC Lovelength. And you,
young lady, are in big trouble.
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164. Oh, my God.
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165. Oh my God!
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166. No way!
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167. There's no way that's real.
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168. That is lush.
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169. - I can't eat this.
- I know. It's nasty, innit?
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170. No, it's beautiful.
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171. - It's just I can't believe it.
- What?
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172. Shut up.
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173. - How dare you...
- Smithy...
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174. - Stay out of it, Chinese Alan.
- What's wrong?
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175. I've had enough. You've gone.
You're someone else's.
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176. Ignore him. He's pissed.
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177. Best man. Best mates since
we were four. And now it's over.
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178. You're just drunk. We'll always
be mates, you know that.
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179. My dad hasn't seen his best man
for seven years.
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180. When him and my mum got divorced
he sent an e-mail, degrading.
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181. - He hasn't been round our house since 1991.
- Who? Your Uncle Keith?
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182. - That's the one.
- But he emigrated to Canada.
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183. Ah, look who's opened his mouth.
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184. You're always first with advice
aren't you, Jesus?
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185. No-one even wanted you here tonight,
I had to make that t-shirt
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186. last minute. - That's not true.
- It is true! I can't stand ya.
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187. And if Jesus wants me for a sunbeam,
he can shove it up his arse.
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188. - What have I done?
- I'm going home.
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189. I've made a fool of meself.
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190. - Smithy, come on.
- Shut up.
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191. - What you doin' with that?
- I'll have it tomorrow.
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192. Smithy. Nice one, Jesus.
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193. - What did I do? - Shut up!
- What did I... - Shut up!
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194. I just love him so much!
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195. And I know what you're all thinking.
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196. That it's all too quick and...
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197. this is sixth engagement.
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198. But it's so different with Gavin.
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199. It couldn't be less...
the same.
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200. And all those other times with, like...
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201. Leighton...
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202. and Kyle and...
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203. even Achmed.
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204. I was just a child.
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205. But now, I know what love is.
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206. It's Gav.
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207. Oh, Stace...
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208. Don't get me wrong but to be honest...
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209. At the end of the day,
when all's said and done...
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210. - D'you know what I mean?
- Yeah.
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211. Simple as.
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212. I always used to call you Craig
when you was a little boy!
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213. It doesn't feel right calling
a grown man Fingers.
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214. - I mean, where does that come from?
- Don't ask.
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215. Look at this, they reckon by the end of next year,
the congestion charge will go up to 12 quid.
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216. - 12 pound a day.
- Yeah? That's why I don't drive.
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217. You can't drive, you're still banned,
aren't you?
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218. Yeah, but if you remember rightly,
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219. first time I was banned I still
drove everywhere. But now,
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220. congestion charge, speed cameras.
I mean, it's criminal.
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221. You 'member Little Doug's stopped nicking
cars. Says it's not worth the hassle.
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222. - How is Dougie?
- Not great.
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223. They did the DNA test.
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224. Turns out it was his semen on the
dress, so it's not looking good.
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225. - Mornin'. You two still want a lift?
- Cheers. - If it's all right.
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226. Yeah, but I've got to be with Barry
by one. You OK to drive?
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227. - Have something more!
- I'm fine! I wasn't even that drunk.
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228. - Here. Take this sausage, go on.
- Take these with you.
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229. Give that to Gwen for the flowers, OK?
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230. And this one to Bryn.
It's for the magician.
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231. - What?
- Don't ask.
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232. - Thanks, Pam.
- Cheers, Pamela. - See ya.
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233. So I can't cook either
of you an omelette?
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234. Can't face it, Gwen.
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235. Eh, we had the police round
here this morning.
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236. - Did you?
- Yeah! PC Lovelength, his name was.
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237. - Wants his handcuffs back apparently.
- Oh, Mum.
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238. It was so funny, he squirted
cream all over his...
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239. - Only me!
- In here, Bryn! Tell me later.
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240. - Hiya!
- Hiya!
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241. - You two look rough!
- I feels it.
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242. On HTV Wales this morning
they said Cardiff town
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243. had been literally decimated
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244. by a group of unruly schoolgirls.
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245. Joking, I am. It wasn't on the news.
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246. Although on the news there was a story
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247. about some schoolgirls who actually
stabbed a teacher.
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248. Which I think is disgusting.
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249. - Cup of tea, Bryn?
- I won't actually, Gwen.
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250. I've just had a skinny, wet latte at Costas.
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251. I been to town, see.
Bought myself a suit.
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252. Why?
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253. I told you, you're wearing the same
as Gavin and the ushers!
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254. Tell it to the hand, girlfriend.
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255. Not for the wedding. For the stag!
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256. I mean, we've had the hen, the stag
must be just around the corner.
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257. I looked in the wardrobe and I thought
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258. there's nothing in here to keep up
with those young guns.
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259. Foreign, it is. Swish.
Cost an arm and a leg.
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260. But it's Gavin's stag and I think
he's worth it. So, when is it?
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261. What?
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262. Well, just tell him the truth.
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263. Babe, I'm not having another
stag tonight. I can't!
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264. Please, Gav. He'll be heartbroken.
He's bought a suit and everything.
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265. - Hiya, babe.
- Hiya.
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266. - Did you get through to Smithy?
- No, I'll try him in a minute.
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267. All right, Gav?
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268. Gavin, don't worry.
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269. She's explained everything and I think
your friends are a shower of shit!
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270. - I'm sorry you had to hear that.
- That's all right, Bryn.
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271. But it makes me so cross to think of this
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272. smashing looking boy not getting
a proper stag do.
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273. It's OK. I didn't want one anyway.
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274. I won't believe a word of it. Now,
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275. I am picking you up at seven,
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276. we're going straight down the Dolphin
for a right good knees up.
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277. Me cockney sparra!
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278. Gav-lar.
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279. I feel rough.
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280. Kebab was nice though, wasn't it?
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281. I'm waiting for Lucy, she's got
a trampolining display.
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282. What?
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283. No! Just me, you and him?
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284. No, I ain't comin' to Wales.
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285. No chance.
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286. - He's on his way.
- Oh, well done.
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287. I'm sorry, Gav. But when Bryn gets
an idea in his head, that's it.
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288. We'll be OK. Might even be a laugh.
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289. I used to work down
the Dolphin, as it goes.
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290. If you see Carl, tell him I says, 'All right'.
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291. - I don't know who Carl is.
- He's got a tattoo that says, 'I'm Carl'.
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292. - On his chin.
- Look who it is!
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293. Hiya, Stace!
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294. All right, Jase?
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295. - How's it going, Ness?
- I won't lie to you, I've been better.
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296. - You still gay? - Yep.
- Crackin'.
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297. Jase, this is Gavin.
Gavin, this is my big brother Jason.
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298. Yeah. Nice to meet you Gavin,
heard loads about you.
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299. How come you're back so early?
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300. I was coming over anyway, for the
wedding, but I had a cancellation.
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301. So Jose said,
'Why don't you go back early?'
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302. And I thought, 'Yeah, you know, why not?'
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303. I'll go and spend time with my sister
before she takes the plunge.
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304. Oh, it's so nice to see you.
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305. I wish you'd told me you were coming.
I got nothing in! No beers,
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306. I got a few eggs, a bit of ham
and that's it.
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307. - Oooh, I could do an omelette!
- Ah, nothing changes.
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308. Have you tried this woman's
omelettes? Best in South Wales.
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309. - Yes I've had one or two.
- Only me!
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310. I forgot to say, I...
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311. Hi, Uncle Bryn.
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312. You're back then.
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313. Well, this is where
we're having the reception.
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314. And see these tables?
They get moved for the dance floor.
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315. What's your first dance?
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316. I want A Million Love Songs by Take That,
but Gav wants How Deep Is Your Love.
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317. - But the Take That version.
- Nice.
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318. And what about the food?
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319. Well, Gav's mam's vegetarian so we're having
these special little quiches made for her.
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320. Oh, look. Why don't you come in
the front room with everyone else?
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321. This has knocked the stuffing out
of me, Gwen. A real ton of bricks.
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322. He's here for ten days.
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323. Can't you at least try to be civil to
him for Gavin and Stacey's sake?
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324. You two got on good as gold
before that fishing trip!
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325. - I don't want to talk about it.
- But why, Bryn, why?
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326. - Don't!
- What happened out there? What went on?
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327. I can't say. You know I can't!
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328. Now, I will go in that front room and
I will be polite and I will be civil.
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329. But do not ask any more of me than that.
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330. And how many more have you
got coming for the evening...
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331. Jason, I think it's very
thoughtful of you to
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332. come back early to support
your sister and your mother.
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333. Thank you, Uncle Bryn.
I appreciate that.
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334. - And then for the cars, we got this.
- Nice! A Bentley.
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335. Yeah. We wanted a horse and carriage
but they'd totally run out of horses.
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336. - Really?
- Yeah. I was gutted.
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337. We're gonna need our own cab firm, there'll
be that many people wanting a drink.
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338. Hey, don't forget, I can get
four in the Picasso.
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339. - But Uncle Bryn...
- Doris will need a lift.
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340. And Aunty Peg will need taking to the door.
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341. - I've never been in a Bentley before.
- Hang on a minute...
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342. And me and the bridesmaids are going
in a stretched Mercedes.
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343. I've been practising the walk.
Right together,
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344. - left together and you go on my right,
don't you, Stace? - Look...
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345. It's on the right. Walking down the aisle,
it's terrifying. All those faces looking.
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346. Wait, I think there's been
a misunderstanding.
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347. Jason, I'm so sorry.
But you won't be giving me away.
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348. - Why not?
- Oh. Right.
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349. I know it's what you wanted.
But the thing is,
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350. since Dad died,
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351. well, I don't know how we'd have coped
if it wasn't for you, Uncle Bryn.
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352. And that's why I want you to give me away.
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353. As a thank you, really.
For all that you've done for us.
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354. And I think it's what Dad would've wanted.
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355. So will you? Give me away?
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356. I'd be honoured.
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357. Bit of a kick in the teeth
for you that, eh, Jase?
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358. - Cheers.
- Yeah, cheers.
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359. Here's to the big day.
And the big night.
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360. Shame Jason couldn't make it.
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361. What's the deal with you two? Stacey
said something about a fishing trip.
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362. There he is! Over here!
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363. All right?
All right, Bryn?
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364. Here he is, the best man.
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365. Now, let me say my piece
before we get started.
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366. You, young man, are a disgrace.
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367. What kind of best man doesn't
organise a stag for the groom?
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368. This poor chap, he's not known
where to turn because you
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369. have been filling his head with
nonsense about him not needing one.
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370. I shouldn't have to organise
all this tonight!
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371. I know. I'm out of order.
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372. Apology accepted.
We'll say nothing more about it.
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373. Now, stick these on. And I'll get you
a drink. What's your poison?
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374. Beer, cheers. Thanks.
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375. - What a shit hole!
- I'm sorry, mate.
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376. I've just seen a bloke with
a tattoo on his chin.
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377. - That'll be Carl.
- Hey! Get those antlers on you!
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378. Don't talk to me.
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379. So I've got to spend every
minute with them?
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380. Sharing a room and everything?
But no funny business?
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381. Yeah. It's difficult.
I'd marry Anneka Rice.
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382. Are we talking Pam St Clements
as herself or as Pat Butcher?
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383. - Pat Butcher.
- That changes everything
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384. because I don't think
I could sleep with her.
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385. But, on the other hand, I don't think I
could spend a year with Davina McCall.
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386. - The thing is, he don't even have a dog!
- I don't even like them!
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387. Stop it! I can't take it!
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388. You know what, you remind
me of my friend, Roy.
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389. You get yourself in a pickle but
somehow you always wriggle out of it.
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390. Dead now, Roy. Killed himself.
Jumped off the top of Morrisons.
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391. - Who's for another drink?
- I'll get these.
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392. I'm having a whale of a time.
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393. I don't believe it. It's Achmed!
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394. ACHMEEEED!
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395. Bryn!
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396. I thought you'd moved to Swindon!
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397. I have. I'm back to see my mum,
she had her appendix out.
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398. What a treat.
Come on, come and join us.
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399. I'm meeting a friend, actually,
but I've got a few minutes.
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400. Smithy, another pint in.
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401. Gavin, this is Achmed. Achmed, Gavin.
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402. - All right, mate. Nice to meet you.
- All right?
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403. Gavin is Stacey's fiancee. They're getting
married exactly one week from today.
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404. Well, at least you set a date.
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405. - That's further than most, eh, Bryn?
- What d'you mean?
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406. Well, when we were engaged,
we never got that far.
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407. You were engaged to Stacey?
My Stacey?
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408. - Stacey West?
- Stacey West. Yeah.
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409. I was number four.
You must be, what, number six?
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410. Where's Smithy with those drinks?
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411. - How've you been, Achmed?
- Number six? What you on about?
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412. I was number four, no, let's see...
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413. - Who was first, Bryn? Was it Kyle?
- Here he is!
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414. - Let me help you with those.
- No, it was Hywel.
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415. That's right.
Then Kyle, Leighton, me, Cliff and now you.
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416. - Yeah, you're number six.
- She's been engaged five times?
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417. - What?
- Yeah. Didn't you know?
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418. No, I didn't know.
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419. Cos nobody told me!
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420. Don't think of it as some kind of
conspiracy. Cos it wasn't like that.
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421. It's just Stacey felt it was better
if we kept it from you.
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422. Hang on a minute. What's going on?
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423. I feel awful.
It was a long time ago.
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424. - Right, who are you?
- I don't care how long ago it was.
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425. She knows everything about me.
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426. - Where you going?
- I'll be back in a minute.
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427. Gav?
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428. Oh, hiya! Why didn't you
come round the back?
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429. Why didn't you tell me you'd
been engaged five times?
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430. - What?
- Why didn't you tell me?
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431. - Gavin!
- Yeah. Havin' a lovely night.
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432. - I've just had a drink with your ex fiancee!
- Oh, my God!
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433. How d'you think I feel, Stace?
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434. - Was it Clifford?
- No.
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435. - Leighton? - No.
- Hywell?
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436. - No, Achmed.
- But he's moved to Swindon!
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437. He's home to see his mum.
She's had her appendix out.
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438. - Well, don't stand there. Come in and talk.
- No, I ain't stopping.
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439. - Where you going?
- I dunno!
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440. I dunno anything, do I?
I don't know who you are.
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441. I'm meant to be marrying you
a week today, that's a joke!
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442. - Oh, come on, you're overreacting.
- Am I?
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443. I didn't tell you cos I knew it
would look worse than it was.
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444. I might have been engaged six times
but I've only been in love once.
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445. - And that's with you.
- How can I believe that?
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446. If you'd have told me at the start
I could've dealt with it.
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447. But now it just feels like...
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448. Y'know, we've been treating
it like this is the first time
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449. for both of us. Really exciting and that.
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450. - But you've done it all before.
- No! - Five times!
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451. Five times, Stacey.
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452. And now I'm just doubting everything.
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453. - Maybe it is too soon, maybe Smithy's right.
- No, you're talking rubbish.
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454. I been thinkin' about it a few days,
maybe it is too quick.
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455. - No... - Maybe we should put the brakes
on, postpone the wedding.
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456. - Or just call it off!
- That's what you want, is it?
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457. Yeah! Maybe.
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458. You want to postpone our wedding
because of things that happened
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459. before I even knew you?
Before we'd even met?
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460. - I love you so much. - I love you.
- But this...
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461. This is just ridiculous.
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462. - Gav!
- See ya.
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463. Gavin! Please don't go!
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464. Gavin!
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