1. So, to recap,
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2. I'm in love wiht my flatmate,
but I never get a second alone with her.
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3. That's not her.
Actually, who is that?
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4. 'Morning.
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5. I was feeling down about Abby,
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6. the girl of my dreams
having a boyfriend.
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7. So I went out, got drunk
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8. and had sex with a stranger.
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9. I don't know why.
I don't feel any better.
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10. Listen, I really got to dash but,
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11. I had a really good time, last night.
We should do it again some time.
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12. What is your number?
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13. Listen,
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14. I don't think
I should give you my number.
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15. Why?
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16. 5 Bad reasons
for not seeing someone again
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17. I don't think I should give you
my number because, you were shit in bed.
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18. I work for the government,
so I can't have relationships.
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19. Get out, quick.
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20. My number's cursed
if you call it, you'll die.
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21. Because I'm gay.
I mean, I wasn't before,
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22. but after last night
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23. definitively a gay man now.
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24. Because, I'm in love with someone else.
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25. You're in love with someone else?
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26. Sometimes the truth
is the best option.
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27. Do you always cheat on your girlfriend?
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28. She's not my girlfriend.
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29. - But, you're in love?
- Yeah.
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30. I've been trying to get her
to fall for me for weeks.
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31. God, I know all about that one.
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32. My roommate confessed to be madly
in love with me the other week.
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33. - Did he?
- She.
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34. She?
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35. I probably shouldn't have kissed her
that night.
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36. I just go a bit mental when I'm drunk.
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37. Maybe, you should take my number.
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38. I can pop around next week,
with a bottle of absinthe
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39. or Samuel Bucka.
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40. - That'd be fun.
- Yes, it would.
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41. When you leave, would you mind
popping a sheet over your head?
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42. La Dickeads Team présente...
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43. VO : DeX
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44. Synchro : mpm et SilverArrow
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45. Episode 2 Saison 1
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46. The Young Ones
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47. How Not To Live Your Life
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48. Every morning, since I moved
in my dead Nan's house,
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49. I wake up to find Eddy in the kitchen.
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50. That's him, there, look.
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51. He was my nan's carer,
but he still turns out to do errands,
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52. even though she's dead.
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53. Donald Danbury,
wants he a little drinklet?
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54. Coffee, tea, tisane?
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55. He's weird. I mean, what sort of human
like doing things for other people?
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56. So, drinklet?
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57. Why do you keep adding "let"
on the ends of words?
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58. It's just a thing I do.
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59. Well, just stop it.
It's annoying me.
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60. Don't you like to have fun
with words, sometimes?
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61. What do you call an omelette?
An omelettelet?
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62. Is this your way of asking me
if I make you breakfast?
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63. One omelettelet, on its way.
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64. It's nice and quiet today, isn't it?
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65. - Glad cockface ain't here.
- Who?
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66. Cockface.
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67. You know, Abby's boyfriend, Karl.
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68. - What do you call?
- Feeling a bit stupid?
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69. Why?
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70. The cockface thing?
No, it's just a friendly nickname.
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71. Like gibbon tits, or vagina eyes or...
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72. twat.
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73. It's just, you know, something I do.
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74. So,
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75. you're here,
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76. again.
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77. Abby never wants to come over to mine.
So whenever I want to see her, I have to
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78. come here.
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79. Well, I have the perfect solution.
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80. What?
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81. Dump her.
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82. That way, you don't have to come here.
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83. And then everyone
and I mean everyone's a winner.
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84. Brat?
I don't know what she sees in you.
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85. What she sees in me? Why, is she...
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86. - She said something about me?
- Anyway, I'll be away this week-end.
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87. So you'll have the place to yourselves.
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88. - Ourselves?
- Yeah, you and your boyfriend.
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89. He is not my boyfriend.
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90. There you go sexy pants.
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91. He has never said that before.
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92. 3 Times Eddie has said that before
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93. There you go, sexy pants.
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94. There you go, sexy pants.
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95. There you go, sexy pants.
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96. Right, are you nearly ready?
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97. - That look tasty.
- You want some?
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98. No I'm fine. Thanks.
No, go on. It's amazing!
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99. You see? The perfect couple.
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100. Me and Abby. Not him.
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101. Babe, can I have a word?
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102. Look, I can't keep coming over here.
It's him, I just gonna bite him.
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103. Let's not talk about this right now,
thank you.
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104. Are you sure you're okay with coming.
Of course, I can't wait.
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105. What are you planing?
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106. We're taking my kids away
for the week-end.
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107. You've got kids? You never said!
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108. - The kids I teach at school.
- God, you're useless Donald.
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109. Promise me that you're not gonna be
on your mobile phone
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110. - the all time over there.
- I promise.
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111. Look, they don't need me
at the conference today.
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112. You know, I ran it passed Suzy
last night.
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113. - What? You're going as well?
- He's a life saver.
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114. There's a horrible dicky tummy bug
going around the school.
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115. All of the teachers
are dropping like flies.
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116. - And they'll have to cancel the trip.
- Abby happens to think that men
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117. who are good with kids are sexy.
Don't you babe?
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118. Really?
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119. Well, a little bit, yeah.
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120. I'm just gonna go.
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121. - You have everything that you need?
- Yeah, I've got 3 pairs of pants,
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122. and I brought my trunks.
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123. Once we hit the road,
I'm turning it off. I promise.
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124. Karl Menford speaking.
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125. - Hello, it's Suzy.
- Hi, Suzy.
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126. God, you sound awful.
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127. What? You got a dicky tummy bug.
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128. - What?
- Sorry, yes.
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129. But I thought you said it would be OK.
It'll be fine.
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130. Sorry to break it to you.
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131. I'm afraid you're going to have to come
to the conference.
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132. There's no way out of it. Hang on.
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133. Get lost.
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134. Also, your dad said
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135. that if you don't come,
he'd bite your balls off.
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136. - He said that?
- Sorry, yes.
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137. Right, yep, yep, okay. Bye.
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138. - What's going down?
- Darling?
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139. Great. We're supposed
to be leaving in an hour.
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140. How am I gonna find
somebody else to come
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141. It turns out they do need me there
today, I have to.
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142. Apparently my dad said
he'd bite my balls off.
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143. - If I didn't show.
- I'll come.
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144. I don't think so.
Abby needs a responsible adult.
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145. Oh, you.
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146. But it's looking after kids.
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147. I love kids.
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148. - Really?
- Yeah. Kids.
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149. I just love their innocence.
Their thick little minds.
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150. So easily influenced.
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151. Sometimes, if I'm walking
past the school playground,
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152. I'll just stop and watch them play.
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153. Careful, you can be put
in a list for that.
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154. Bite me.
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155. So? What do you reckon?
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156. Great, it's agreed. I'm coming with.
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157. I'll just get dressed.
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158. I'll be honest, I hate kids.
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159. But this was the only way I could be
with Abby without cockface there.
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160. Why don't you go on and say hi
to the kids and introduce yourself?
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161. How hard can it be?
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162. You just got to speak to children on
their level, without patronizing them.
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163. Right. Shut up! Shut up!
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164. Shut up.
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165. Right. "A".
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166. Less "Mr Danbury" ballcrap.
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167. You can call me Don or the Double D.
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168. And 2,
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169. keep the noise down.
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170. See, I went out last night,
and I got absolutely shitfaced.
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171. It was a really good night actually.
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172. But now, I've got a headache,
I feel like puking up my innards.
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173. I really wanna quite frankly kill myself
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174. and your noise isn't helping.
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175. So be good little midgets
and shush your mouth.
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176. Good.
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177. You got them to be quiet.
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178. You're a natural-born teacher.
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179. Well, you know.
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180. When you're ready, driver.
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181. So, after two hours
of throwing up my innards,
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182. we go to the campsite and it where dawn
to me what we were doing.
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183. I've never been one for the outdoors
and nature.
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184. Bollocks.
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185. Cocking bollocks.
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186. Remember, there are children here.
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187. You, you little shit.
Help me erect my tent.
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188. What?
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189. There are certain words you cannot use
in front of the kids.
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190. What, "erect"? That's probably
a little a bit iffy, nowadays.
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191. No, I'm talking about the swearing.
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192. I haven't been swearing.
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193. 3 Times Don "hasn't" been swearing
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194. That is... shit.
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195. This so fucking.
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196. Should we just... of to a hotel?
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197. Sorry, I didn't realized
I was doing that.
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198. Never mind, but,
no more for no on, yeah?
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199. We gonna go in a walk, soon,
do you think you'll be ready?
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200. Of course, shouldn't take long
to put up. Should it?
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201. And so I spent the afternoon
with the kids.
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202. I won them over
by pretending to fall over,
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203. honestly, I was pretending.
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204. I was like the teacher they never had.
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205. They respected me
as an authority figure.
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206. And I made them laugh.
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207. Help me! Help me!
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208. Well, kind of.
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209. Then, that night, I finally got Abby
on her own.
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210. This was my chance to charm her.
Tell her romantic tales.
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211. When the lights came back on,
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212. I realized it was my nan Betty
I'd be groping.
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213. It was so embarrassing.
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214. - I don't know, nothing. Don't worry.
- No, what?
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215. - You'd get offended.
- No I wouldn't.
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216. - Promise?
- I promise.
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217. Why do you act like a prick?
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218. What?
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219. See, you're offended.
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220. What would you expect?
You just called me a prick.
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221. No, I said you act like a prick.
There is a difference.
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222. You know, I think I'm the only person
that get to see the real you.
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223. Alright.
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224. Why are you with Karl?
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225. - What's that got to do with anything?
- It's got nothing to do with anything.
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226. But I just wanna know.
You know, you two are so different.
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227. It's weird.
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228. Mr Danbury, I can't sleep.
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229. Midget, get lost.
We're talking, here.
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230. - What's up Sammy?
- I need to do a poo.
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231. And I want the Double D to take me.
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232. - You don't mind, do you?
- No way, José.
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233. I think the poo
is starting to come out.
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234. Alright, I'm coming.
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235. Alright.
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236. I can't be ask to try
and find the toilet.
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237. This tree will do.
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238. Go on, do you bum rubbish.
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239. What?
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240. Deposit some ass trash.
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241. Quicker.
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242. You owe me big time, Sammy.
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243. I was finally getting
somewhere with Abby.
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244. - Who's Abby?
- Miss Jones, to you.
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245. Is she a girlfriend, sir?
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246. - I wish.
- I wish she was my girlfriend too.
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247. I saw her first, you keep away.
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248. This is a good idea, coming on
this trip. Showing I'm good with kids.
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249. - Sir, there's no...
- Shut up, I'm thinking aloud.
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250. Shut up!
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251. You see, I listen to my balls.
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252. And my balls never let me down.
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253. They said:
"Don, you gotta get rid of Karl,
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254. take his place on the strip
and Abby will be yours forever".
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255. Clever balls.
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256. - Sir?
- What?
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257. There's no toilet paper.
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258. - Don't got a napkin or something?
- No.
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259. Just use one of your socks.
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260. We're back.
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261. What's up?
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262. Well, what a... pleasant surprise
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263. I can believed
you just showed up like this.
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264. - Neither could I.
- What are you gonna do about tomorrow?
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265. It's alright, babe.
I just told my dad
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266. I can't always be a slave
to the company.
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267. There's a girl in my life
who I happen to love very much.
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268. And she
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269. is more important.
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270. What a cockface!
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271. You got that right.
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272. - Well, let's get less talking.
- Surely, what can I do?
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273. Here, catch this.
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274. - What's this?
- Sammy's sock, it needs cleaning.
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275. How is he getting on with the kids?
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276. Good, I think.
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277. Right, I'm going to take Sammy to bed.
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278. I think I'm gonna hit the hut.
Are you coming?
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279. Yeah, I'll be in there in just a sec.
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280. - 'Night Sammy.
- 'Night Double D.
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281. I went into work, earlier.
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282. And there was Suzy
all perky and healthy.
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283. Funny that?
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284. Not laugh out loud, funny.
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285. I mean, I wouldn't certainly use it
in an after dinner speech.
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286. I came to the conclusion
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287. that someone
must have hoaxed the call.
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288. I wonder why someone would do that.
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289. What?
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290. I'm going to bed
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291. with my girlfriend.
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292. 'Night Don.
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293. I couldn't believe cockface was there.
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294. Just as I was finally
making progress with Abby.
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295. Alright, she just called me a prick.
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296. But I knew
what she was really getting at.
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297. To make things worse,
I had to sleep on my own, in a tent,
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298. with strange noises outside.
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299. I'm from the city,
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300. I used to the comforting sounds
of car alarms and people screaming help.
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301. 4 places Don would rather be right now
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302. It's Don.
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303. I know it might seem weird, but,
can I come in there and sleep with you?
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304. - Why?
- For Peter Sake.
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305. Good one, Don.
See you in the morning.
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306. - He cracked me.
- No, I'm being serious.
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307. It's just I keep hearing noises.
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308. Don't worry about it, it's just nature.
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309. I'm worried nature might climbed
into my tent and rape me.
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310. - Don't be a baby.
- I can deal with this, Karl.
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311. I don't think it's a good idea.
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312. Yeah it is. It's a great idea.
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313. Go away, Don.
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314. You'll be fine.
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315. I see you in the morning.
Bright and early.
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316. - 'Night.
- 'Night.
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317. After a weird dream
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318. where I was the ringmaster
of a traveling midget show.
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319. I woke up, to the sight of midgets.
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320. - Morning.
- Morning Double D.
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321. I think Sammy is going
to take a real show into you.
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322. You become
a bit of an influence on him.
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323. You should always
listen to your balls.
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324. That's disgusting.
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325. I think
you're really rubbing off on him.
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326. Please, don't ever say
I'm rubbing off one of the kids.
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327. Makes me feel uneasy.
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328. What's on the agenda today?
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329. I thought we'll all go
to a scavenger hunt.
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330. - Sounds fun.
- No, you must have misheard her,
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331. - she said "scavenger hunt".
- Yeah, I love stuff like that.
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332. I was a sixer in the scout
when I was younger.
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333. Don't worry, we won't be out there
for long. I'm...
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334. whiteout to this country.
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335. - What?
- Just picking up twigs.
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336. You don't have to be
Christopher Columbia.
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337. You think it's easy, do you?
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338. Yes, I do.
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339. Easy and boring.
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340. Well, then,
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341. how about we make it interesting.
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342. - OK. Should we do it on mushrooms?
- No, I'm talking about a little wager.
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343. Right kids?
We'll be split up into two teams.
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344. The winning team doesn't have
to cook or wash up tonight.
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345. Now, who's with me?
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346. - What's going on?
- It's alright, babe.
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347. - I'm not sure this is a good idea.
- A little competition is helpful.
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348. - Who wants to be in my team?
- That's lots of pressure you're putting
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349. - on Don making him go alone with them.
- He'll be fine.
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350. It's only for a couple of hours.
Trust me, babe.
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351. It will be fun.
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352. Right, what sort of stuff
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353. do we do on the scavenger thingy?
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354. The Scavenger Thingy
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355. - Hey, how was it?
- Great fun.
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356. - Yeah?
- My feet hurt.
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357. It was hard work.
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358. No pain, no gain. Kiddies.
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359. You pushed them too hard.
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360. Just enough to succeed.
Any sign of Don, yet?
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361. No, not yet.
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362. Yes, kiss my ass,
I knew I'd shit in his face.
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363. Sorry.
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364. Sorry kids, come on.
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365. I shouldn't have let you
talk me into this.
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366. God. What was I thinking?
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367. Please, let them be OK. Please.
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368. Look, stop panicking, babe.
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369. They'll be fine.
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370. Okay, kids,
I'm gonna leave it with you.
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371. We're lost.
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372. We're lost in the middle of nowhere,
in the dark, with no provisions.
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373. That's not looking good.
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374. What's gonna happen to us, sir?
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375. I'm gonna tell you the truth.
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376. 'cause I think
you're old enough for it.
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377. I think you might all die.
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378. You're just acting like a little girl.
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379. So are you.
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380. - That's 'cause I am one.
- "That's 'cause I am one."
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381. Oh, God.
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382. I'm cold. Are you cold? I'm cold.
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383. So scary. Oh, God.
Abby's gonna kill me.
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384. As if we don't get killed
by something else first. Help!
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385. Now, I just want to clarify one thing.
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386. I wasn't actually that scared.
I wasn't.
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387. It was reverse psychology.
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388. Look at them, they're calm.
Had I been calm, they'd be freaking out.
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389. Loosing their minds.
Maybe even eating their own bum rubbish.
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390. It isn't how I pictured my death.
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391. With a group of midgets.
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392. I always thought of dying
in the arms of a beautiful prostitute.
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393. At the age of 120.
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394. Me, not the... beautiful prostitute.
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395. Only in the future, of course,
they'd have android escorts.
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396. Prostidroids. Ho-bots.
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397. Sir, look!
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398. - What is it boy?
- Lights.
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399. We're saved.
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400. Quick, come on children, run!
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401. Run like the wind!
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402. Oh my God, it's a pub, we're saved.
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403. Come on, hurry up.
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404. Come on, it's cold, hurry up.
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405. - Sorry mister, no children allowed.
- I don't believe it.
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406. They don't let kids in.
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407. Come on, you'll all wait outside.
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408. Come on.
I'll only have a couple. No more.
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409. Come on.
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410. A pot of your best please. Gorgeous.
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411. It's cold out there, ain't it.
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412. If you don't mind me asking,
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413. what's a man of your age
doing with all those kids.
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414. - It's suspect, isn't it?
- Well...
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415. 4 bad reasons for having kids with you
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416. I collect rare kids.
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417. It's a kind of hobby of mine.
Well, more a passion.
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418. They're not kids, they're adults.
They suffer from that aging disease.
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419. You know, like Gary Coleman?
What you talking about Willis?
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420. Yeah, I'm a child catcher.
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421. They actually exist.
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422. They're mine children.
What can I say.
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423. I just can't keep it in my pants.
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424. They're all your kids?
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425. That one there, that's Sammy.
One next to him, that's Sucky.
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426. And the big one, that's Ting Tao.
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427. Look, the landlord isn't in, tonight.
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428. Seems a bit harsh
to make them wait outside.
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429. Thanks, barmaid.
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430. Right. What you want?
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431. I don't trust him.
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432. And why are you always
sticking up for him, I'll never know.
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433. Anyone would think...
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434. What? Anyone would think what?
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435. He may not have his life
all figured out like you.
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436. But he has been lovely this weekend.
You had to go and push him, didn't you?
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437. They'll be fine.
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438. I'm sure they're gonna be fine.
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439. This little fellow is Sam Bucka.
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440. Sir Samuel of Bucka.
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441. Mister Bucka to you, lads.
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442. Okay, we're ready.
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443. Of to three. One,
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444. two, three. Go!
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445. What have we learn this evening,
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446. children?
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447. We learned that white wine
isn't actually white.
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448. - That's more like greeny color.
- Brilliant.
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449. White
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450. not... green.
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451. Excellent. Anyone else?
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452. Yes, Thingy.
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453. I think we should be getting back
to camp, sir.
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454. Boring.
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455. Ms. Jones might be getting worried.
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456. May be your point.
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457. One more before
we hit the road, though?
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458. Whose round is it?
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459. I can't get a bloody signal, out here.
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460. What's that?
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461. I can hear something.
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462. I want everyone
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463. in bed immediately.
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464. Now!
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465. I got the sneaking suspicion
that Abby was a bit cross.
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466. Is it wrong that I found that sexy?
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467. I really want a kebab.
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468. - I love you, Miss.
- Go to bed, Sammy.
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469. What were you thinking?
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470. And you?
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471. - What? Why me?
- Just go to bed, Karl.
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472. - I want a word with you.
- Want you a bean?
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473. Are you drunk?
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474. A little bit.
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475. Where the hell have you bean, Don?
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476. I've been freaking out,
properly freaking out.
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477. I thought you might have been.
That's why I left the pub when I did.
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478. You see?
Thoughtful. Not at all prickish.
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479. You was in the pub?
That's were you've been all this time.
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480. We got lost,
you're map was very confusing.
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481. I can't believe you. I can't believe
you took my kids drinking.
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482. Well, I wouldn't call it drinking.
We just had 4 or 5 shots.
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483. In fact, some of them puke them
right back out, so technically, none.
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484. Except for the fat kid.
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485. She could knock'em back.
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486. Don't you get it?
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487. I could lose my job over this.
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488. Sorry.
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489. I just wanted to show you
that I'm good with children.
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490. It's my own fault.
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491. How did I get it so wrong?
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492. So, I'm back to were I started.
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493. I'm nowhere closer to win over Abby.
I've got a monster hangover.
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494. And Eddy's in my house.
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495. I don't know why you drink so much.
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496. - Because it's fun.
- Fun?
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497. You obviously don't know
the effect of alcohol.
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498. Yeah I do.
It makes you think you're always right.
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499. It makes other people far
more attractive.
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500. And it makes food that you wouldn't
normally touch taste amazing.
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501. Correct?
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502. Enter.
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503. I made a huge mistake this weekend.
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504. Don't be silly.
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505. You were great.
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506. I mean with you.
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507. I should never let you come.
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508. - You know I'm sorry, right?
- You won Sammy's heart.
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509. - What do you mean?
- It turns out the kids had
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510. a blast on the field trip.
He wants you to come on all of them.
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511. Cool. Count me in. I'm there.
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512. You never coming on one again, mister.
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513. Right.
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514. Anyway.
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515. I know your heart
was in the right place.
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516. Thank you for the weedend Mr Danbury!
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517. Bed bath?
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518. Okay.
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