1. Stop it!
Everyone's looking at me!Copy !req
2. You've got a right dirty laugh,
d'you know that?Copy !req
3. You sound like Barbara Windsor!Copy !req
4. It's the smoking.
I didn't know you smoked.Copy !req
5. Yeah, I do, but I'm gonna start
giving up when I'm 28Copy !req
6. and then definitely stop when I'm 30.Copy !req
7. Can you believe we're actually going
to meet tomorrow?Copy !req
8. Only 17 hours to go now, babes.Copy !req
9. - Hiya, Stacey.
- All right, Doris? How's the leg?Copy !req
10. - I wish they'd cut the bugger off.
- Oh, you don't mean that.Copy !req
11. Oh, yes, I do. You hand me the axe,
I'll do it myself.Copy !req
12. - You still going up London on your blind date?
- It's not really a blind date.Copy !req
13. We've been talking for six months.
Just haven't met, like.Copy !req
14. What time are you off? First thing.
Dave's Coaches. Cacking myself, I am.Copy !req
15. Stace, love, you've got to chill out.Copy !req
16. The thing to remember is don't go giving
him nothing on the first night.Copy !req
17. - Really?
- Well, no, not nothing.Copy !req
18. A kiss, a cuddle, a cheeky finger.
Just don't go selling him the whole farm.Copy !req
19. - Oh, thanks, Dor.
- See you, love.Copy !req
20. - Hiya, Mam.
- Hiya, luv.Copy !req
21. - Is that Doris out?
- Yeah.Copy !req
22. - How's her leg?
- Fine.Copy !req
23. - What's that top?
- TK Maxx. 5 quid, down from 10.Copy !req
24. - Can't go wrong. Fancy an omelette?
- Aye, go on, then. Nessa'll be here at six.Copy !req
25. - Will she want an omelette?
- I dunno.Copy !req
26. Hiya, it's me. Mam's doing an omelette
- d'you want one?Copy !req
27. Mmm...Copy !req
28. Yeah...Copy !req
29. OK...
She don't want one.Copy !req
30. Oh, come on!Copy !req
31. I DO know her!Copy !req
32. You can know someone
without meetin' 'em, y'know.Copy !req
33. Look, what's the big deal?Copy !req
34. She's bringing a mate,
I'm bringing you.Copy !req
35. No, I won't!Copy !req
36. 'Cos I'm not ringing her, saying,
"Text a photo of your friend for Smithy.Copy !req
37. 'He wants to see if she's a minger'.Copy !req
38. It's too late now, anyway...
All right.Copy !req
39. Hiya, Gav. All right, Mum?Copy !req
40. No, not really.
I'm absolutely shattered.Copy !req
41. - I've been crying all afternoon.
- How come?Copy !req
42. That Pet Rescue. There was this badger,
and all its litter died,Copy !req
43. and you could actually see
the mother badger crying.Copy !req
44. - I don't think badgers can cry, Mum.
- Nor did I, my little prince.Copy !req
45. But I know what I saw,
and it's knocked me for six.Copy !req
46. Still, life goes on.Copy !req
47. Your dad'll be home in a minute,
and those steaks won't cook themselves.Copy !req
48. And will you please make sure you stay
with Nessa at all times.Copy !req
49. Do not let her out of your sight.Copy !req
50. I don't know why you think
Nessa's any safer than me.Copy !req
51. She's a big girl...
Gets it from her father.Copy !req
52. If she's one iota of his aggression
inside her, you'll be OK.Copy !req
53. - We don't know anything about Gavin.
- He might be a paedophile.Copy !req
54. - He wouldn't be interested in me, would he?
- He might be grooming you.Copy !req
55. Your Uncle Bryn's coming around
with the rape alarm.Copy !req
56. - He tried for pepper spray,
but he haven't had no luck. - Oh, Mam!Copy !req
57. - All right?
- Hey, love. Where's your stuff?Copy !req
58. - What, that's it?
- I got my sling,Copy !req
59. a packet of feminine wipes and 60 Regal.
What more do I need?Copy !req
60. - What about your toothbrush?
- I got Tic Tacs.Copy !req
61. Oh, tell me you are joking.Copy !req
62. We're only going for one night.Copy !req
63. I've been looking forward
to this all day long.Copy !req
64. You're too good to me, sweetcheeks,
you are, really.Copy !req
65. - Good day, Dad?
- Yeah, not bad, mate.Copy !req
66. I left work at two just to play the full 18
with Chalky and Woodruffe.Copy !req
67. Don't tell your mother.
How did you get on?Copy !req
68. - Not bad. A couple of birdies.
- What's that?Copy !req
69. A couple of birdies in the bush in the front
garden when I got in from work.Copy !req
70. You wanna get a life, Michael. Gavin doesn't
wanna now about birds in the bush.Copy !req
71. Good job he's playing golf tomorrow,
eh, Gav?Copy !req
72. - What on earth have you got there?
- I'm on the Atkins.Copy !req
73. You what?
Atkins means - unlike you two,Copy !req
74. I'm not entitled to any carbohydrates,
vis-a-vis chips.Copy !req
75. So I have substituted my chips
by having two extra steaks.Copy !req
76. Three steaks? Are you mad?
No. It's not three steaks,Copy !req
77. it's one steak for me as an actual steak,Copy !req
78. one as a substitute for my chips
and one as a substitute for my peas.Copy !req
79. - But you're eating half a cow, woman!
- Right. That's it.Copy !req
80. - I knew you'd say something. I'll starve.
- Mum, come on!Copy !req
81. No, Gavin. I've had enough.Copy !req
82. I've tried. God knows I've tried.
Fve done the lot.Copy !req
83. Pilates. Doesn t work.Copy !req
84. Can't do cabbage soup, you don't like
the smell. Now I can't have steak.Copy !req
85. - Oh, for the love of Mike.
- Dad, she's on a diet.Copy !req
86. - Look, I'm sorry, have the sodding steaks.
- No. And d'you know why?Copy !req
87. Because you will be up that golf club
tomorrow and you'll be giving it all this.Copy !req
88. 'D'you know what my wife
Pamela had last night?'Copy !req
89. 'D'you what my fat, disgusting wife
Pamela had? Three steaks!'Copy !req
90. They'll tell their wives, and before you know
it I'll be known as Three Steaks Pam.Copy !req
91. Like when I had a urine infection.
Look what they called me then.Copy !req
92. - Just eat the steaks. - Oh, you'd love that,
wouldn't you? Well, no Michael.Copy !req
93. You are gonna watch me starve.Copy !req
94. - Prepare to watch your wife starve,
potentially to death. - Gav-la?Copy !req
95. - Pam-la? Michael?
- Hello, Smithy!Copy !req
96. - Ah, darling!
- Pamela, you're looking beautiful!Copy !req
97. Oh, stop it!Copy !req
98. - Would you like a steak?
- One going, is there?Copy !req
99. Due to recent events, there
happens to be three going.Copy !req
100. Three? I just had shepherd's pie,
but I'll take two of them on.Copy !req
101. - You not eating, Pam?
- Er, no, Smithy.Copy !req
102. And this may be the last time
you ever see me.Copy !req
103. - Give it a rest!
- Chuck us that sauce.Copy !req
104. So I said to him,
'Oh, scaghead. Do what you like.Copy !req
105. 'It's your life. I'm not about
to tell you how to live it.Copy !req
106. I wouldn't tell myself
how to live my life.Copy !req
107. But don't come round here peddling
your wares, cos I've got a business to run.'Copy !req
108. But you haven't a business to run.Copy !req
109. Between twelve and two, I am in charge.
At that particular moment,Copy !req
110. I was in charge. So yes, I do have
a business to run, as it goes.Copy !req
111. - Only me!
- Hiya!Copy !req
112. I got the alarm.Copy !req
113. - Oh, hi, Ness.
- All right, Bryn?Copy !req
114. - How's it going down the slots?
- I won't lie to you, Bryn. I hates it.Copy !req
115. Barry Island's not what it used to be,
but what can you do?Copy !req
116. Times change. People move on.Copy !req
117. - What do I owe you for that alarm, Bryn?
- Don't worry - this one's on me.Copy !req
118. - No, come on.
- 'Ey, these things are important.Copy !req
119. My brother would turn in his grave if he
thought I wasn't looking after his little girl.Copy !req
120. And the truth is, I don't want anyone
in this room being raped, myself included.Copy !req
121. - That's very good of you, love.
- Aye. Fair play.Copy !req
122. Oh, thanks, Uncle Bryn.Copy !req
123. 'Ey, come on, don't get me started now.Copy !req
124. Right!Copy !req
125. The man in the shop says I should give
you a little demonstration. So, Stace,Copy !req
126. I want you to run at me as if to all intents
and purposes you were my attacker.Copy !req
127. You don't have to show me.
I can work it out myself.Copy !req
128. Stace, tomorrow morning you are
travelling to London, England,Copy !req
129. to meet a boy you've never met before.
I offered to come with you.Copy !req
130. You said, 'No.' I offered to drive
and wait in the car. You said, 'No.'Copy !req
131. Now, you've met me halfway on the
rape alarm - at least have the decencyCopy !req
132. to let me give you a demonstration
because, I tell you this for nothing,Copy !req
133. if you come back on Sunday raped
and I showed you how to use it,Copy !req
134. I'll rest easy in my bed.Copy !req
135. You come back on Sunday raped,
the fault will lie solely at your door.Copy !req
136. So, please, attack me.Copy !req
137. Oh, no, no.
What are you doing?Copy !req
138. You've got to put a bit of
aggression into it.Copy !req
139. Stace, sit down.
Ness, you have a go.Copy !req
140. Not too late to back out, y'know.
All it takes is one phone call.Copy !req
141. - No, I've got to meet her. I wanna meet her.
- Really?Copy !req
142. - Yeah, it's exciting.
- Maybe it is exciting,Copy !req
143. but you know what they say about excitement?
- What?Copy !req
144. It's by the by. Look.Copy !req
145. I was talking to Gary and Simon
about you, and we're worried.Copy !req
146. - Why?
- You're putting all your eggs in one bag.Copy !req
147. She's Welsh! She might not even turn up.Copy !req
148. All I'm saying is don't get your hopes up.Copy !req
149. Since when did you became
an expert on relationships?Copy !req
150. You've only had one girlfriend,
she's just turned 17.Copy !req
151. So forgive me if I don't hang on your
every word regarding my love life.Copy !req
152. 17-and-three-quarters and she got 90%
in her driving theory test.Copy !req
153. Look, you don't have to come.
I'll go on me own.Copy !req
154. You're not going on your own
to meet up with two freaks!Copy !req
155. Stacey's not a freak. She might not be
but her mate could be a complete nutter.Copy !req
156. Course she won't be!Copy !req
157. - You perverted piece of shit!
- Put him down, Nessa!Copy !req
158. You make me sick!Copy !req
159. - Is that the sort of thing you meant, then?
- Yes.Copy !req
160. - Night, Ness.
- Night, Stace.Copy !req
161. - Forgotten your case, Ness?
- Don't be a twat, Dave.Copy !req
162. I had the best night of my life
with that woman.Copy !req
163. - Are we all right to smoke, then?
- Animal. Absolute animal.Copy !req
164. - Dave?
- What? Oh, sorry luv... Smoking? Yeah.Copy !req
165. My motto is 'Fags and weed, glue and
speed, but I draws the line at crack'.Copy !req
166. - That way, everyone knows where they stand.
- Oh, fair play.Copy !req
167. - THAT is de-bloody-beautiful!
- Yeah, it is nice.Copy !req
168. This beer is allowed to ferment for nine
years in North Rhine-Westphalen,Copy !req
169. home of Munchengladbach FC, and is considered
one of Germany's best-kept secrets.Copy !req
170. Right, Gav-la...Copy !req
171. I think you'll agree, that THAT
is easily worth an 8.5.Copy !req
172. Gav?Copy !req
173. - Gavin?
- Yeah?Copy !req
174. Yeah, whatever.Copy !req
175. - This was your idea!
- What?Copy !req
176. This!Copy !req
177. You came to my house.Copy !req
178. You said, "Let's try every beer around
the world within 12 months."Copy !req
179. I said, "No, you'll never do it."
You said, "Come on.Copy !req
180. I said, "No."
You said, "Please?" I said, "Fine."Copy !req
181. Now I'm the only one who gives a shit!Copy !req
182. Gary and Simon dropped out after Belgium.
I don't know where Fingers is. But you!Copy !req
183. Once things turned up a notch
with Stacey, you've gone missing!Copy !req
184. The lights are on, but everyone's gone out.
I wash my hands of you.Copy !req
185. - Smithy...
- And if this mate of hers turns out to be a munter,Copy !req
186. that could be it for me and you.Copy !req
187. Are you drinking that?Copy !req
188. - I'm just too nervous, mate.
- Right. Well...Copy !req
189. - There she is. - Where?
- There!Copy !req
190. Oh, my God. Right, come on.Copy !req
191. But where's her mate?
Oi! Where's her mate?Copy !req
192. Stacey?Copy !req
193. Oh, my God!
Hiya!Copy !req
194. When did you get here?
I thought you weren't gonna come!Copy !req
195. I've only been here ten minutes.Copy !req
196. - I like your cardi.
- Cheers. River Island.Copy !req
197. Oh, so is my belt! Amazing!Copy !req
198. Oh, sorry, mate. Stace, this is Smithy.Copy !req
199. - Hiya, Stacey, all right? Heard a lot about you.
- Heard a lot about you, too.Copy !req
200. - Came on your own in the end
then, did you? Or . . . ?Copy !req
201. What? Oh, no, no, I came with...
Oh, here she is now! Nessa!Copy !req
202. Oh for. ..Copy !req
203. - This is Vanessa.
- Six quid for two slices of pizza!Copy !req
204. They take the piss, these Cockneys.
- Ness! - What?Copy !req
205. - This is Gavin.
- All righ', Gav? How's it going, all righ'?Copy !req
206. Yeah, great.
Er . . . and this is Smithy.Copy !req
207. - Right... Well, shall we get a drink?
- Yeah, great!Copy !req
208. - Oh, Stace! D'you not want this now?
- No, I'm not hungry any more!Copy !req
209. Yeah, might as well.Copy !req
210. - Oh, it's a bit dead in here.
- I don't mind, it's well baseCopy !req
211. What do you want to drink?Copy !req
212. I'll have a white wine spritzer and Ness
will have a gin and tonic. - All right.Copy !req
213. All right, er, yeah - two beers, double
gin and tonic, white wine spritzer.Copy !req
214. And eight After Shocks.Copy !req
215. What?Copy !req
216. Smithy?Copy !req
217. This is a nightmare of epic proportions.Copy !req
218. What's wrong with her?Copy !req
219. A - how old is it?
B - have you seen the tattoo?Copy !req
220. - And 3 - look at the size of it!
- What d'you mean?Copy !req
221. - She's massive! - She's not.
- She's huge.Copy !req
222. - With respect, Smithy...
- I'm big, I'll give you that.Copy !req
223. Sorry, the size of that... Look at it!
- Hey!Copy !req
224. All right? Been powdering your nose?Copy !req
225. Oh thanks, Stace. Thanks a lot.Copy !req
226. - What?
- Look, let's get one thing straight.Copy !req
227. I don't touch that shit no more,
all right? I did... and now I don't.Copy !req
228. So let that be an end to it.Copy !req
229. Oh, Nessa!Copy !req
230. And D - to top it all off -
she's a drug addict! Brilliant!Copy !req
231. Cheers, mate.Copy !req
232. - I'm so hot!
- I know. I'm wet through!Copy !req
233. I can't believe this, you know.
You what?Copy !req
234. - This! Us, I can't believe it!
- I know.Copy !req
235. - It's better than I thought it would be.
- It's like I've known you ages.Copy !req
236. - Like I've known you for life.
- What?Copy !req
237. Like I've known you all my life.Copy !req
238. - I was so worried you wouldn't like me.
- You what?Copy !req
239. - I was so nervous.
- Yeah, me too!Copy !req
240. - Look, Stace, I just want you to know...
- Sorry?Copy !req
241. - I just want you to know...
- I can't hear you!Copy !req
242. I just wanted to...Copy !req
243. .. say that.Copy !req
244. Smithy! Train goes in 20 minutes!Copy !req
245. You don't have to go, y'know.
Not if you don't want to.Copy !req
246. - What, you mean come back?
- Yeah. Well, if you like.Copy !req
247. It's up to you.
I don't want you to think that...Copy !req
248. Gavin, I'm asking you to come back with me.Copy !req
249. S'all right, mate. You get the train.
I'm gonna go back with erm...Copy !req
250. - Nessa.
- Nessa, that's it.Copy !req
251. Can I have a word?Copy !req
252. You got any johnnies?
I ain't going in there bareback.Copy !req
253. - We'll have to stop off at a garage on the way.
- Are you in?Copy !req
254. - I think so.
- Quality! Quality.Copy !req
255. - Well have to make a stop, girls.
- What for?Copy !req
256. - Well we might have to... erm...
get some...Copy !req
257. - Don't worry. I got a stash... Ribbed.
- Taxi!Copy !req
258. There's no mini bar.Copy !req
259. - I'll order some room service, shall I?
- Yeah. Gav,Copy !req
260. I'm not bein' funny, but it's half two
now and we're leaving in eight hours.Copy !req
261. We all know what's gonna happen,
who wants what...Copy !req
262. so why not cut to the chase
and we can all get some?Copy !req
263. - And they say romance is dead.
- Don't be a prick, Gav.Copy !req
264. Right, Stace, how d'you want to do this?Copy !req
265. Well, we'll have this bed,
you have that one.Copy !req
266. - Switch the lights off and get on with it.
- Right.Copy !req
267. Hang on, are you serious?
Those beds are like two feet apart.Copy !req
268. I don't give a shit.Copy !req
269. I just feel a little bit uncomfortable!Copy !req
270. OK. OK, as a mate...Copy !req
271. we'll go in the en suite. Yeah? Nessa?Copy !req
272. All right...
but only for the first one.Copy !req
273. I hopes you're hungry, big boy.Copy !req
274. Come on!Copy !req
275. Get in here now.Copy !req
276. Bit of music?Copy !req
277. Sorry. Bloody thing...Copy !req
278. Hang on, let's try this.Copy !req
279. I love this one.Copy !req
280. Right. D'you want a drink, then?Copy !req
281. - Gavin...
- I can go down to the bar if you like...Copy !req
282. - Gav...
- I'm easy... I just don't... We can talk if you want.Copy !req
283. This is so lush.Copy !req
284. Mmm. It is.Copy !req
285. It's totally lush.Copy !req
286. Oh, fucking hell.
Oh God!Copy !req
287. Oh! Dirty!Copy !req
288. Oh! Oh! That's it.Copy !req
289. Oh! Oh! Now we're talking.Copy !req
290. Oh, yeah. Oh...Copy !req
291. Ow! Ow! OW! Oh, God!Copy !req
292. Ooooh, God.Copy !req
293. - Oh, Stace, don't wake him.
- Why?Copy !req
294. I'm not being funny,
right now you look like shit.Copy !req
295. Last night you looked cracking.
Let that be the memory.Copy !req
296. Good point. I'll leave a note.Copy !req
297. - What about Smithy?
- No, leave him.Copy !req
298. His breath is rank
and mine's not much better.Copy !req
299. Smithy!Copy !req
300. Smithy!Copy !req
301. Oh, God.Copy !req
302. Oh, my God.Copy !req
303. - Come on, mate, we haven't got time for this.
- Ohh...Copy !req
304. I feel like I've been abused!Copy !req
305. Look, I wanna say goodbye properly.
Their coach leaves in half an hour.Copy !req
306. Oh God, the guilt.Copy !req
307. Oh, the guilt!Copy !req
308. Oh, what about Lucy?Copy !req
309. I'm going to have to confess.
No, mate! Look, what's the point?Copy !req
310. I've got to!
No you don't!Copy !req
311. - I have! - Why?
- You don't understand!Copy !req
312. She did things...Copy !req
313. Mate...Copy !req
314. she put things... inCopy !req
315. Did Stacey... Listen, did Stacey...?
Did she...?Copy !req
316. Did she stick anything...?Copy !req
317. Smithy, I can't believe
you're even asking me?Copy !req
318. I am not discussing anything
about last night with you!Copy !req
319. I need to know whether
this is something that just...Copy !req
320. Oh...Copy !req
321. - Nessa.
- Nessa.Copy !req
322. Whether it's something just she does
or is it a Welsh thing?Copy !req
323. Why does it matter?Copy !req
324. If it's something everybody does
I don't need to see a doctor.Copy !req
325. - Get dressed!
- All right!Copy !req
326. Oh, God!Copy !req
327. Don't suppose I can tempt you
to a Chinese down mine later?Copy !req
328. Oh, Dave, when are you going to learn?Copy !req
329. You could buy me all the chocolates,Copy !req
330. all the chow mein you like, but it
won't wash, and you knows why.Copy !req
331. Back off or I'll tell everyone on that
coach about my trip to the doctor's,Copy !req
332. is that what you want?Copy !req
333. No. Sorry.Copy !req
334. Look, I think you're a cracking bloke,
Dave, but let's face it -Copy !req
335. - you're riddled.
- I know.Copy !req
336. How is everything, er,Copy !req
337. down there, by the way?Copy !req
338. Shipshape and shiny now,
no thanks to you.Copy !req
339. Stacey! Stacey!Copy !req
340. - Oh, God!
- I had to say goodbye.Copy !req
341. You, er... forgot this.Copy !req
342. Oh. tidy.Copy !req
343. - So I'll give you a ring.
- Why?Copy !req
344. - Well, y'know...
- Oh, get a life, Smithy.Copy !req
345. Oh, Stace!Copy !req
346. Come on, babes.
I'll see you again really soon.Copy !req
347. - Don't.
- What?Copy !req
348. Don't promise me nothin'.Copy !req
349. If this is all it's meant to be,Copy !req
350. I'm still so happy I met you!Copy !req
351. - Right. KFC?
- No, mate, there's something I gotta do.Copy !req
352. - Taxi!
- What? Where are you going?Copy !req
353. I've got to go home.
Billericay, please mate.Copy !req
354. - I thought we were going to share a bucket?
- Are you coming or what?Copy !req
355. Cheers, mate.Copy !req
356. Gav? Gavin?Copy !req
357. - How did it go?
- Brilliant.Copy !req
358. - What's she like?
- I'll tell you later.Copy !req
359. See you then.Copy !req
360. - What on earth's going on?
- Don't ask!Copy !req
361. All I know is I'm so ravenous
I can barely see!Copy !req
362. Do you want a Pammy's full English?Copy !req
363. - You read my mind!
- How about you, Smithy?Copy !req
364. - Did you have a good time?
- Not really, no.Copy !req
365. Oh, my God!Copy !req
366. - What you doin' here?
- I said I'd see you soon, didn't I?Copy !req
367. What's up?Copy !req
368. Nothing.Copy !req
369. What?Copy !req
370. - It's stupid...
- Stace?Copy !req
371. It's just...Copy !req
372. I told myself...Copy !req
373. if ever I saw you again
in the flesh, like, that I'd...Copy !req
374. What?Copy !req
375. That I'd tell you something.
But I can't.Copy !req
376. Oh, Stace, I'm going for a curry with Dave.
I'll call you tomorrow.Copy !req
377. If you say it, I'll say it back.Copy !req
378. - I love you.
- I love you too.Copy !req
379. - What's that?
- Just my rape alarm!Copy !req
380. boomer2Copy !req