Garth Marenghi's Darkplace 1x6

Directed by Richard Ayoade

Stephen Merchant as The Chef • Julian Barratt as Padre • Graham Linehan as Security Guard • Sarah Kants as Larry's Mother

Dr. Sanchez falls in love with a patient infected with cosmic broccoli, but when it threatens to spread Dr. Rick Dagless M.D. is forced to intervene. But love is blind, and the only eye Sanchez has open is at the end of a trouser snake. Can Dagless save his buddy and the world? (Yes, he can.)

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. "He whisked off her shoes and panties in one movement,

2. wild like an enraged shark,

3. his bulky totem beating a seductive rhythm.

4. Mary's body felt like it was burning,

5. even though the room was properly air-conditioned.

6. They tried all the positions.

7. On top, doggy, and normal.

8. Exhausted, they collapsed onto the recently extended sofa bed.

9. Then a hell beast ate them."

10. Welcome, friend.

11. I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer,

12. although I also pen westerns and erotica

13. to keep my oar in with other fields of literature.

14. I've always loved the great tragedies,

15. 'King Lear', 'The Poseidon Adventure', 'Superman II'.

16. And when I wrote, directed and starred in 'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace'

17. I set out to continue that grand tradition.

18. This eve's yarn is a simple tale o' heartbreak,

19. an eternal story of love and loss,

20. set against the backdrop of an abortive alien invasion.

21. Though you don't actually find out it's abortive till the end of the show.

22. It's my 'Romeo And Juliet' but less whiny.

23. So, dear pilgrim,

24. I give you my hymn to the heart, with horror,

25. along with interviews from myself,

26. my publisher, Dean Learner, and the actor Todd Rivers.

27. That way, you won't have to think for yourselves, which is probably safer.

28. Hold it gently, as you wouldst a lover, lying in a field,

29. nestled in the shade of a mighty oak tree.

30. Perhap you're gently petting,

31. having just enjoyed a hamper of chilled white wine

32. and a selection of continental cheeses.

33. Bon appetit.

34. I'm Garth Marenghi,

35. author, dreamweaver, visionary, plus actor.

36. You are about to enter the world of my imagination.

37. You are entering my Darkplace.

38. Oh! One moment.

39. Nature calls, if you know what I mean.

40. I'll just leave you briefly by this air vent.

41. Ah!

42. Arghh! Ah!

43. What is it?

44. I forgot to flush!

45. Get me Dr. Rick Dagless M.D. now! Yes, I'll hold.

46. The script to Shuggoth was based on an old sonnet sequence I wrote when I was 16.

47. I'm a language junkie, that's my hit.

48. I get off on language.

49. I mean, you know, just to think of

50. that poem by Wordsworth.

51. "I wandered lonely as a cloud

52. that floats on high o'er vales and hills,

53. when all at once I saw a cloud, a host of gleaming daffodils."

54. To think there weren't even rhyming dictionaries around

55. when Bill wrote that, it's very humbling.

56. Garth is the most significant artist

57. that I've ever worked with and I worked with Lulu

58. and four other people.

59. So we're talking crème de la crme.

60. My name is Dr. Rick Dagless M.D.

61. A woman turned green last night.

62. The porter said he saw her breathe in a green gas.

63. Could this be linked to the green cloud of gas

64. that was directly over the hospital's ventilation shaft?

65. I was cruising down to Ward B to find out.

66. I'd stopped out of my way to give Sanchez and Asher a lift,

67. a courtesy for which they'd yet to thank me.

68. You're welcome.

69. What the hell's the matter with you, Dag?

70. Nothing.

71. What are you doing for dinner tonight, Liz?

72. Oh, erm, nothing really. Why, are you asking me out?

73. No, no, no. Just trying to get some recipe ideas.

74. I'm finding food a real bore at the moment.

75. What I do is sometimes get a tin of soup.

76. - Yeah. - Heat it up, poach an egg in it.

77. Serve that with a pork pie, sausage roll.

78. I'll get a Wimpy.

79. Your call, Dag.

80. Liz? Fancy egg in soup? I'm free this evening.

81. - No. I think I'll wash my hair. - OK.

82. Plus, I've now got a headache.

83. Sure. Whatever.

84. I'll put some sounds on.

85. There's a bad atmosphere in here.

86. The door.

87. Sanch! Open the door. Sanch!

88. Sorry, Thornton. Bad dream.

89. Count yourself lucky.

90. Look at her.

91. It can happen like that,

92. you can fall in love in an instant.

93. Todd's wonderful in this episode.

94. And there are scenes with me and him,

95. where I think you're watching him as much as me.

96. She was in for a routine operation to have her toe shortened,

97. which was really long, like a finger.

98. The next thing she knew, this happened.

99. All in all, she's a little off colour.

100. - You shut your mouth, Liz.

101. Whoa, you shut your mouth, Sanch. That was funny.

102. If we lose our sense of humour in this place we might as well kill ourselves.

103. One of the main reasons I went into medicine was for the laughs.

104. That and the pussy. And that dried up ten year ago if you'll pardon the expression.

105. That maybe so, but that's no reason to mock this poor woman's condition.

106. Look, I'm gonna stay with her. Talk to her. Help her.

107. - It's called a bedside manner. Heard of it? - Heard of yours, pal.

108. I've had it with you clowns.

109. He's acting like a jerk. Come on, Liz, coffee's on me.

110. But coffee's free here.

111. Shh! She don't know that.

112. I'll look after Liz, you get this skin sample analysed.

113. And keep this schtum. If Won Ton gets wind of this, my arse is grass.

114. And he's got a lawnmower. You dig?

115. Ten four.

116. Funny.

117. Hello. Is that Gavin, the hospital gas expert?

118. Well, can you put Gavin on?

119. Hi, Gavin. Just a quick question

120. that green gas in the sky last night.

121. Sorry, I thought you were gonna speak. Yeah.

122. Could the green gas have contained cosmic fungi

123. and or sent down spores? It could.

124. And those fungal spores could infect a person?

125. Only if the person had been left directly next to an air vent?

126. Cheers, Gavin. I owe you a beer.

127. Actually, you owed me one from before, so we're quits.

128. Broccoli?

129. She's turning into broccoli.

130. Mmm. Something smells good.

131. It's egg in soup.

132. Here, let me cut up your pork pie.

133. - Whoops. - Ah, you've spilt.

134. I'll get a nurse to help you out of that nightdress.

135. I think I'd be more comfortable with a doctor's touch.

136. As a horror writer,

137. there are certain words you don't use

138. when you're writing a sex scene,

139. balls, knickers, scrote.

140. It's not clever. It's not sexy. It's bad writing.

141. I read modern writers and it's screw this, he licked her,

142. she sucked that, he bit the other,

143. someone put it there, he held it,

144. it was at this frequency. Where's the sensuality?

145. Where is...

146. Where's "he glided in, liquid smooth"?

147. Where's "her wispy mound"?

148. Where's "her sacred V"?

149. - "Honeyed lining"? - "Her mossy cleft"?

150. Look at that.

151. Makes you wonder what else is up there.

152. All our broccoli must've come down from these skies, billions of years ago.

153. Over time it's evolved. Become less aggressive.

154. Broccoli from space. I wondered why it tasted odd.

155. This is serious, Thornton.

156. Come on, Dag. That was funny.

157. You're right, that was funny.

158. I'm just worried about Sanch.

159. How are we gonna tell him that this time tomorrow

160. - the girl he loves will be a complete vegetable? - Broccoli.

161. I can cope with constant bereavement. He can't.

162. Most people can't.

163. - That's not all, Reed and Rick. No. - Isn't it?

164. Gavin the hospital gas expert just called. He handed me this.

165. According to this, the broccoli spores can be passed on

166. during the act of physical lovemaking.

167. But if it's passed to Sanchez, half of Romford

168. could have it within the week.

169. If they have made love there's

170. a 50% chance Sanchez has got it.

171. We're gonna have to hope Sanchez dipped his wick,

172. otherwise this could go nationwide.

173. Bang goes my Hippocratic oath.

174. Have you ever done that before?

175. What? Making love?

176. No. I mean, with a patient.

177. Once or twice, but they were dying, it was their last wish.

178. But with you it was real.

179. I did it because you're different.

180. Plus, I think I've got a thing for green women.

181. Hold me in your arms.

182. We don't even know each other's names.

183. - Linda. - Dr. Sanchez.

184. What is it?

185. I'm just so happy.

186. The cosmic spores, of course, represented AIDS.

187. I have had

188. such terrible experiences with that...

189. with the AIDS.

190. I've lost so many friends to that terrible disease.

191. My half-brother who was such a promising dancer,

192. very quietly

193. and very peacefully he went.

194. And then Freddie went.

195. Back then no one would touch this as a subject.

196. It was us and Princess Di.

197. What's the matter, Dag? Looks like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders,

198. if you catch my drift as it were.

199. Have you ever been in love, padre?

200. Only with the holy three.

201. It can make you feel like the king of the world or—

202. A complete tool.

203. It's powerful stuff.

204. My best friend's woman's gonna die.

205. - She's turning into broccoli. - Jesu Christi.

206. It's taking her over. It's very infectious, padre.

207. And I fear the only way to stop this spreading will be to boil her.

208. You could steam her.

209. How does one weigh the happiness of these two

210. star-crossed lovers, Romeo and Juliet,

211. 'gainst the future of Romford?

212. You'll know what to do.

213. You're the most sensitive man I know.

214. And I know God.

215. Thanks for the advice. I knew I'd be right.

216. Come on, come to padre.

217. Embrace the infinite.

218. That's it. That's it. Come on.

219. If you need me I'll be right here in the vestry.

220. If not I'll be out in the jeep.

221. - Cheers, padre. Amen. - Stay holy.

222. When I pray, and sometimes I do,

223. I pray to myself.

224. I pray that I can pull myself through.

225. And if I'm lucky...

226. I answer myself.

227. Champagne on ice for bed 395. Make sure it's in a bucket. I want to surprise Linda.

228. And now I'll have a double Scotch and I imagine my good friend here will have the same.

229. She's a hell of a woman.

230. To Linda and her speedy recovery.

231. Yeah.

232. How can I tell him she's dying?

233. It'll tear him apart.

234. Sanch, I just saw Linda. She told me to tell you

235. that she doesn't love you and everything was meaningless.

236. I'm sorry, buddy.

237. That's a goddamn lie.

238. You can't stand it, can you, Dag?

239. You can't stand it that this time I got the girl.

240. Don't walk away from me, lover boy.

241. I suggest you move your hand or, so help me God, I'll knock you down.

242. You're going to have to make me.

243. OK, buddy, let's dance.

244. Jesus! Been in the gym. Nice shot, buddy!

245. Look, I'll level with you. Linda's dying.

246. She's turning into broccoli. It's very contagious.

247. She must be boiled.

248. Boil Linda? Over my dead body, you bastard.

249. OK! Come on!

250. Yeah, come on!

251. One dirty trick, on my back! Bastard!

252. Knock it off, you two. This is a hospital.

253. - He's out of line. - I'm out of line? He's out of line!

254. You're both out of line. I'm not gonna stand here

255. and dance for you. I don't have to.

256. I wanna see both of you in my office, five minutes ago.

257. So you'd best hurry up.

258. Look, Sanch, I know all about Linda and I'm sorry,

259. God knows I am, but slapping Dag's ass

260. about the shop ain't gonna bring her back any.

261. Now if Dag thinks the only way

262. to contain this is to boil her

263. then I'm backing him 110%.

264. That means I could backtrack 10%

265. and I'd still be completely behind him.

266. You have no idea what this feels like, old-timer.

267. I've been there, hombre. When I heard my wife died, I could barely finish my lunch.

268. But right now, Dag and I are worried about your downstairs area.

269. Sanch, we know what's up with your meat and two. I saw you in the gents.

270. Mild discomfort. Nothing I can't handle.

271. - Tell Reed what colour it is. - Olive green. What of it?

272. Look, we're going to have to lop it off or it'll spread.

273. I've asked Reed to assist me in the operation.

274. That rusty general? He's not been in surgery in ten years.

275. I've had first hand experience. I lost a ball in Korea. Had to do the op myself.

276. That was one ball. This is the whole nine yards.

277. No way am I letting him near the old boy.

278. I'd offer you my own if I could but this is the only way.

279. It's the only way, Sanch. Otherwise it'll spread.

280. You're not getting my rod without a fight.

281. The next sequence in the show, alas, is lost.

282. The pertaining can of film was destroyed in a drink-related misadventure in Fulham.

283. It was an idiotic altercation,

284. which I bitterly regret

285. both for personal and professional reasons.

286. However, with the aid of some photographic stills

287. taken by the girlfriend at the time

288. we have reconstructed the missing scenes

289. with added narration from the available cast.

290. I hope that this does not impair your enjoyment of the drama.

291. Sanchez lunges at Reed but is held down by Dagless.

292. Don't touch it! Sanchez says. Reed calls for back up

293. and a general anaesthetic is administered by a hospital orderly.

294. Meanwhile, Linda's condition worsens.

295. Sanchez is rushed to surgery, in a race against time

296. to stop the infection spreading. With some difficulty, Dagless and Reed

297. remove the affected penis, and leave Sanchez to recuperate.

298. However, it is now too late for Linda.

299. Hello, Linda.

300. You look better.

301. Do you feel you're getting better?

302. Now I've run some tests.

303. And you're gonna have a long sleep

304. and then you're gonna wake up again right as rain.

305. And Sanchez'll be with you and you'll have a great future together.

306. Sanch would be here but he's out on his rounds

307. helping some crippled children right now.

308. Can't get him to shut up talking about you.

309. You've found yourself a good man.

310. Guy happens to be my best bud in the whole world.

311. - What's this? - It's a dreamcatcher.

312. - What's a dreamcatcher? - It's like a wind chime.

313. Then why don't you say wind chime?

314. Thank you, Sanch will love this.

315. He loves wind

316. and he loves the sound of tinkling.

317. And he loves you.

318. She's gone. She's all yours, guys.

319. As Linda breathed her last green breath,

320. the cloud disappeared

321. much like the Scotch Mist did last week.

322. And I went back to my humble doctor's duties.

323. Thanks for saving my life.

324. You're welcome, little man.

325. He's a good kid. You gotta keep him off the smack though,

326. otherwise this'll keep happening.

327. Maybe you should try and get a husband.

328. Get some stability in your life, OK?

329. Excuse me.

330. Hey, big guy.

331. Take it from Rick, I will not rest until I've found you an adequate replacement.

332. Linda asked me to give you this.

333. What is it?

334. It's a dreamcatcher.

335. What's a dreamcatcher?

336. It's like a wind chime.

337. I think you should have it.

338. For saving my life.

339. Thanks, Sanch.

340. Wait!

341. Thanks for that lift.

342. Don't mention it.

343. The broccoli had gone but the hurt remained.

344. For all of us, not just Sanchez.

345. Darkplace was finding ways of getting to us from within

346. and what we had to fear most was ourselves, that and AIDS.

347. If you want it, wear one. Sex that is, not AIDS, no one wants AIDS.

348. I guess I was gonna have to look out for everyone.

349. Not that I'd get any thanks.

350. With this show, I wanted to make people laugh

351. and cry and shit themself at the same time.

352. I fear that we are seeing an end

353. to the quality of television that you and I

354. should be able to take for granted.

355. We are seeing a dumbing down of television.

356. I think we're living in dangerous times.

357. The horror genre is in decline.

358. Reading is in decline,

359. literacy, numeracy,

360. the three "L's" are in decline.

361. "You and he were buddies, weren't you?"

362. Need I say more, need I say more?

363. We didn't know what... what it was gonna achieve in the long run.

364. We didn't know that it would still be talked about these days.

365. Garth's place in history is assured,

366. his place in history is assured.

367. As a horror writer, I don't ask for much.

368. I just hope I've changed the way you think about life.

369. 'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace' is a Garth Marenghi production.

370. In association with Dean Learner.