Garth Marenghi's Darkplace 1x5

Kim Noble as Jim • Matt Green as Highlander

A lethal mist surrounds Darkplace, tartanning the hides of unwary travellers, while phantom bagpipes play on regardless. Dr. Rick Dagless M.D. must face more than the music as he unravels the secret behind its sudden appearance. The truth, when it comes, lies as a little too close to home, even though Romford would seem a safe enough distance from Glenrothes.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. "Nina's eyes popped out of what was left of her back.

2. Why, oh, why had she opened that tomb?

3. The sand turned red.

4. This was because she was bleeding on it.

5. Blood. Ruby red blood. Her blood. Blood.

6. And piss and shit.

7. This was the worst day of her life."

8. Welcome, friend.

9. You know, a lot of people say, "Garth Marenghi,

10. isn't he the guy who writes all that horror crap?"

11. Well, good luck to you, you're an idiot

12. because my books always say something.

13. Even if it's just something simple like,

14. "Don't genetically engineer crabs to be as big as men."

15. There's always a message or a theme.

16. When I wrote, directed and starred

17. in 'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace' back in the 1980s,

18. I gave every episode a theme,

19. even when we were running out of time or I was really tired.

20. However, one theme proved so controversial,

21. so dangerous, so radical -

22. the theme's prejudice by the way -

23. so outre, out there,

24. that top brass finally pulled the axe on the entire project.

25. Tonight, pilgrim, I entrust this episode to you,

26. along with interviews from myself, my publisher, Dean Learner,

27. and the actor Todd Rivers, who hasn't had a decent gig since 'Boon'.

28. This mini-seminars will help further elucidate

29. and unravel the mysteries of Darkplace

30. so you have no excuse for "not getting it".

31. So here it be, uncut,

32. uncensored, unbelievable, unpalatable

33. and I sincerely hope you are disturbed.

34. By the show.

35. I'm Garth Marenghi,

36. author, dreamweaver, visionary, plus actor.

37. You are about to enter the world of my imagination.

38. You are entering my Darkplace.

39. Mmm. Yeah, that's real good. Mmmm.

40. Hey, I've got an idea, let's continue this outside in the bushes.

41. But you're due for your operation in five minutes.

42. Oh, come on. It'll be fun.

43. Let's get down to it right away. I'm feeling really horny.

44. Yes. Let's make love right here on the moor.

45. Hold on, what's that?

46. Oh, that's just mist or fog. You'll forget all about it once you're into it.

47. - OK.

48. Jesus Christ! What the hell? No!

49. Arggh!

50. A lot of people write to move, a lot of people write to protest,

51. I write to chill.

52. He had a very ambitious script.

53. I said "Garth, this is a very ambitious script

54. for the money we've got,

55. seeing as we've got no money, it's extremely ambitious."

56. We were filming it in my garage.

57. I had a big garage but still it was ambitious

58. to film a TV show in a garage.

59. Well, the thing about 'Darkplace'

60. is that it was a real turning point for me as a writer

61. because up until that point I had been writing balls to the wall horror.

62. For this, I wanted them to go, "Ooh!"

63. And I think that's one of the great strengths of the programme

64. is that it managed to bridge that gap

65. between "ahh" and "ooh" quite well.

66. My name is Dr. Rick Dagless M.D.

67. It's 3:00am and it's misty, too misty.

68. And the weatherman had said, and I quote, "More mist to come."

69. And once you added that to the mist that was already here,

70. you were looking at a whole mess of mist.

71. I'd been called out to the grounds of Darkplace.

72. It was taking ages because of the mist, though.

73. There was something about this mist.

74. What? I hadn't the foggiest.

75. What do you make of it, Dag?

76. I'm going to level with you, Sanchez.

77. I've never seen anything like this.

78. In fact, I haven't got the foggiest idea.

79. - Great joke, Dag. - Cheers. I thought of it in the car.

80. Look. Their faces are patterned.

81. Good work, Liz.

82. What is it, Rick?

83. Porridge.

84. I think I know what did this.

85. - Scotch mist. - Scotch Mist, Dag? But what's Scotch Mist?

86. One moment while I cross-fertilize the data.

87. According to my print-out, Scotch Mist is an evil Highland force,

88. the ghosts of Scottish warriors trapped in foggy mist.

89. Well I'll be dead and rained on.

90. Ever since Dag re-opened the Gates of Hell last week

91. there's been a glut of fresh terror on the wing.

92. Why would long-dead Scottish warriors trapped in mist come so far south?

93. To kill the Queen and then destroy our way of life.

94. - That's what that every Scotchman wants. - You can't say that.

95. Believe me, Liz, I know. I've met a lot of Scotch people.

96. They want what we've got, order, sobriety, hope.

97. Everything Romford stands for.

98. They're jealous of our continental ways.

99. Well, all I know is that I've got a hospital to run.

100. You'd better do something and fast cos I don't wanna be sitting here

101. this time tomorrow with mist up my crack.

102. Do I make myself clear? Good. Now get!

103. - That's the phone.

104. Hello? Speaking. I beg your pudding?

105. And the same to you, too.

106. Of all the nerve!

107. Problem Thornton?

108. Someone's given my number out.

109. Says I'm running a massage parlour.

110. Now who'd have pulled a stunt like that?

111. I don't know, Thornton. Some people are animals.

112. Well, if I catch the culprits

113. I'll string them up by their Buster Browns.

114. Not if I catch the mongrel first.

115. I just don't understand it!

116. Why are you two still here? Scram!

117. The mist rolled relentlessly round Darkplace

118. much like smoke or fog.

119. We stood transfixed for what seemed like forever,

120. but was probably nearer 20 minutes to half an hour.

121. What is that sound?

122. That's a bagpipe.

123. Dag! It's Liz. She's having a vision.

124. Go away. I demand that you go.

125. Please be gone. Oh God, you must go!

126. Thanks, Rick, I was hysterical.

127. What is it?

128. It's Jim. He's out there.

129. We found out that the mist was poisonous

130. when two techies died, yes.

131. Now I don't like to see anyone die

132. but if someone has to die it might as well be a techie.

133. Because another one comes along,

134. it's the same belt, it's the same hammer in the tool belt,

135. you can barely tell the difference.

136. Keep your headbands on, that way we won't get lost.

137. And use your fans sparingly. They eat through batteries

138. and if you're not careful they can nick your fingers.

139. Stay local.

140. Just out of interest, Dag, what kind of batteries are you using?

141. Powerzone Turbo Cells.

142. Got a bag of them down Herne Bay market.

143. £1, 30 batteries.

144. Can I speak frankly? Of course.

145. If you act like a cheap arsehole expect the shittiest portion.

146. Let me live my own life, Sanch. They're fine!

147. Look, it's Jim. He's been struck by the mist,

148. thought he's still alive, unbelievable as that seems.

149. Quick, let's run into that outhouse!

150. Just over there!

151. Move your arse, Liz!

152. You goddamned evil misty jocks.

153. Listen to me, I am not prejudice, alright?

154. That is what I'm saying, I am not prejudice.

155. But Joe Public is. You probably are. You look like a dropout.

156. Point being, I wrote this to heal Britain.

157. 'Scotch Mist', some thought was fairly racist.

158. I didn't to be honest.

159. Thing is I'd play anything,

160. a Nazi, anything at all.

161. I'd never... I don't think I'd ever kiss another man.

162. You know, not even for the big boys.

163. Have you ever been to Scotland, Dag?

164. Once.

165. What was it like?

166. I remember it much as one recalls a dream,

167. or a nightmare.

168. I was on a budget flight to Norway

169. when a storm hit and forced us to ditch in Glasgow Prestwick.

170. I was stranded.

171. And it's so hilly up there you can't get any signal on your carphone.

172. It looked bad.

173. It looked like I was gonna have to spend the night in Glasgow.

174. Jesus Christ!

175. The cabin crew suggested we all go out and club it.

176. I had no option. It was that or one of their B&Bs.

177. I figured it'd be safer on the streets.

178. For the first time ever I saw the Scotch in their natural habitat.

179. And it weren't pretty.

180. I'd seen them huddling in stations before being loud.

181. But this time I was surrounded.

182. Everywhere I went, it felt like they were watching me.

183. Fish-white flesh puckered by the Highland breeze.

184. Tight eyes peering out for fresh meat.

185. Screechy, booze-soaked voices hollerin' out for a taxi

186. to take them half-way up the road to the next all-night watering-hole.

187. A shatter of glass. A round of applause.

188. A 16-year-old mother of three vomiting in an open sewer,

189. bairns looking on, chewing on potato cakes.

190. I ain't never going back.

191. Not never.

192. My aunt lives in Scotland. She's says it's quite nice.

193. Well, she's wrong.

194. Bloody thing's cut out.

195. Look. The mist is retreating.

196. She's right, the mist is retreating.

197. You're both right, it is retreating.

198. OK. You two get Jim back to the hospital. I'll cover you.

199. Heroically, I let Sanch, Jim and Liz run back without me.

200. In my private bones I knew they'd be safe.

201. This mist was out for one person only

202. and that person methought was moi.

203. I ran, ran like my life depended on it, which it did.

204. As a writer, I make my own rules up, OK?

205. If I want to start a sentence with a full stop I will.

206. If I want to highlight social prejudice I will, but I'll do it my way.

207. And sometimes you actually have to be a bigot

208. in order to bring down bigger bigots.

209. At the end of the day, this is not just a horror show.

210. This is a show about great, original writing.

211. - Where the hell's Dagless? He should be back by now. - We have to help him.

212. No dice, Liz. We'd never make it.

213. The batteries are spent. I think they were warped.

214. That's what you get buying cheap batteries.

215. Tell me about it. You try to make a saving,

216. economically it's more sensible

217. to buy from a reputable high-street retailer.

218. And not from some fly-by-night with a suitcase.

219. Exactly. Who knows, they may even be stolen.

220. But the initial price of a name battery is much higher.

221. They'll always be dear. But you're paying for the reliability.

222. I personally use rechargeable batteries.

223. Couldn't use my charger last night

224. cos I was up playing the keyboard till two.

225. We ought to check in with Reed. Maybe he has a supply

226. of name batteries like Duracell or Ever Ready.

227. Well, you'd hope so.

228. I told you before. I don't do that kind of thing.

229. Another one.

230. As if I didn't have enough on my plate what with this mist.

231. And just listen to the answer phone.

232. Hello, I'm calling about arranging a massage.

233. I mean, I ask you.

234. Take that last bit back.

235. - Rick! - Rick.

236. What happened?

237. Shit happened, sweetheart.

238. Come on. Time's running out.

239. - What are you up to? - I don't know yet.

240. Slow it down 26%. Shhh. Listen.

241. Och. Kill.

242. Dagless. Mon.

243. - What does it mean?

244. I know 'mon' means 'man', but I don't think 'och' means anything.

245. It's me they want. And that's what they're gonna get.

246. - But why you, Dag? - I did a stupid thing on that night in Glasgow.

247. I went into a chip shop and I ordered a cheese burger.

248. But that could have happened to anyone.

249. Don't beat yourself up about it.

250. Wait, Thornton, that's not all.

251. I ordered this cheeseburger

252. but instead they put a frozen slab of meat

253. in a deep fat fryer and served it to me in a tissue.

254. I refused to pay. An argument ensued.

255. And I said some very racist things about the Scotch

256. and about how fat a lot of them were

257. probably on account of what they did to their burgers.

258. That's why this mist is here. Revenge.

259. - I'm gonna have to face them. - I'm coming with you, Dag.

260. - No, you're not, Sanch. - Fair enough.

261. I've been running from the Scotch all my life.

262. I'm going solo on this one. Man to Scotchman.

263. Then take this. It's my flick-knife.

264. - Thanks. - And you might need this.

265. Be careful with it.

266. It's my mother's.

267. And take this.

268. What is it?

269. Something that might come in handy.

270. - And Dag? - Yep.

271. Put your trousers on.

272. I've got to do it like this.

273. Please accept this shortbread.

274. I'm afraid I can't offer you any salt to go with that.

275. I know it's me you want.

276. Look, I just want to apologise for what I did to your countrymen.

277. Look didnae get me wrong. I'm a big fan of the Scotch people.

278. I love Lulu and if Taggart's on I'll tape it.

279. I was very tired that night and I was pissed off I was in Glasgow.

280. Colleagues of mine have since visited it during the day

281. and they say they've had a cracking time. I'm sorry.

282. I was wrong. I see that now.

283. My life is yours.

284. - What about the hair? - It'll grow out!

285. It was very, very cheap.

286. Do you like Scotch food, Liz? I know a little place we can go.

287. I know a little place you can go. It's called 'To blazes'.

288. Hey.

289. - Well done, fellas and Liz.

290. I'm sure this'll be Won Ton, congratulating us.

291. Hello? Beg your pudding?

292. No. For the last time, that's not my bag.

293. What's wrong with you people? I mean, I'm just trying to run a decent hospital

294. and you people keep bothering me in the most rude manner imaginable.

295. Get out of the office. Thank you!

296. - I do not run a massage parlour!

297. You guys are so cruel.

298. I'm gonna get out of here for a bit. Grab some air.

299. Hang loose.

300. I wonder what brought them here, Liz.

301. Was it Rick, was it this hospital?

302. Or was it both.

303. Or all three?

304. One mist had gone,

305. but another mist remained, a worse mist.

306. A mist that fogged men's minds.

307. The mist of missed understanding.

308. Luckily, this mist was just a metaphor

309. and wouldn't really affect things that much.

310. On a nearby rooftop, a bird took flight.

311. But not even that could spoil this beautiful moment.

312. As rosy-fingered dawn cupped Romford in its hands

313. and thumbed open the new day's crack.

314. I love Scotland, you know.

315. I'll take the high road, I'll take the low road.

316. I think both are valid.

317. I once tried to open a string

318. of gentleman's clubs near Fife,

319. 'North of the Border'.

320. But they're just not ready.

321. Glasgow's been industrial for a while

322. but in many ways it's still a Third World country up there.

323. But they'd be the first to accept that.

324. Things are improving by degrees.

325. Today, if an Englishman meets a Scotchman or vice versa,

326. 50-50 they're gonna get along. And that's a very encouraging statistic.

327. 'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace' is a Garth Marenghi production.

328. In association with Dean Learner.