Garth Marenghi's Darkplace 1x6

Directed by Richard Ayoade

Stephen Merchant as The Chef • Julian Barratt as Padre • Graham Linehan as Security Guard • Sarah Kants as Larry's Mother

Dr. Sanchez falls in love with a patient infected with cosmic broccoli, but when it threatens to spread Dr. Rick Dagless M.D. is forced to intervene. But love is blind, and the only eye Sanchez has open is at the end of a trouser snake. Can Dagless save his buddy and the world? (Yes, he can.)

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. "He whisked off her shoes and panties in one movement, wild like an enraged shark,

2. his bulky totem beating a seductive rhythm."

3. "Mary's body felt like it was burning,

4. even though the room was properly air-conditioned."

5. "They tried all the positions - on top, doggy, and normal.

6. "Exhausted, they collapsed onto the recently extended sofa bed.

7. "Then a hell beast ate them."

8. Welcome, friend. I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer,

9. although I also pen westerns and erotica

10. to keep my oar in with other fields of literature.

11. I've always loved the great tragedies -

12. King Lear, the Poseidon Adventure, Superman ll -

13. and when I wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi's Darkplace,

14. I set out to continue that grand tradition.

15. This eve's yarn is a simple tale of heartbreak,

16. an eternal story of love and loss,

17. set against the backdrop of an abortive alien invasion -

18. but you don't actually find out it's abortive until the end of the show.

19. It's my Romeo and Juliet, but less whiny.

20. So, dear pilgrim, I give you my hymn to the heart, with horror,

21. along with interviews from myself,

22. my publisher Dean Learner and the actor Todd Rivers.

23. That way you won't have to think for yourselves which is probably safer.

24. Hold it gently,

25. as you wouldst a lover, lying in a field,

26. nestled in the shade of a mighty oak tree.

27. Perhap you're gently petting,

28. having just enjoyed a hamper of chilled white wine

29. and a selection of continental cheeses.

30. Bon appetit.

31. I'm Garth Marenghi - author, dream weaver, visionary, plus actor.

32. You are about to enter the world of my imagination.

33. You are entering my Darkplace.

34. Darkplace, Darkplace

35. Darkplace, Darkplace, Darkplace

36. Darkplace!

37. Ooh.

38. One moment.

39. Nature calls, if you know what I mean.

40. I'll just leave you briefly by this air vent.

41. OHH

42. G-GUH

43. What is it?

44. I FORGOT TO FLUSH

45. Get me Dr Rick Dagless MD - now!

46. Yes, I'll hold.

47. The script to Shuggoth was based on an old sonnet sequence I wrote when I was 16.

48. I'm a language junkie.

49. That's my hit.

50. I get off on language.

51. I mean, just to think of the er...

52. that poem by Wordsworth...

53. "I wandered lonely as a cloud That floats on high o'er vales and hills,

54. "When all at once I saw a cloud, a host, of gleaming daffodils".

55. You know, to think there weren't even rhyming dictionaries around when

56. Bill wrote that. It's very humbling.

57. Garth is the most significant artist I've worked with,

58. and I worked with Lulu.

59. And four other people.

60. Erm, so.

61. We're talking creme de la creme.

62. My name is Dr Rick Dagless MD.

63. A woman turned green last night.

64. The porter said he saw her breathe in a green gas.

65. Could this be linked to the green cloud of gas

66. that was directly over the hospital's ventilation shaft?

67. I was cruising down to Ward B to find out.

68. I'd stopped out of my way to give Sanchez and Asher a lift,

69. a courtesy for which they'd yet to thank me.

70. You're welcome.

71. What the hell's the matter with you, Dag?

72. Nothing.

73. What are you doing for dinner tonight, Liz?

74. Oh, um nothing really -

75. why, are you asking me out?

76. No, no, no.

77. Just trying to get some recipe ideas.

78. I'm finding food a real bore at the moment.

79. What I do sometimes is get a tin of soup,

80. heat it up, poach an egg in it, serve that with a pork pie and sausage roll.

81. I'll get a Wimpy.

82. Your call, Dag.

83. Liz, fancy egg in soup? I'm free this evening.

84. No. I think I'll wash my hair.

85. Okay.

86. Plus I've now got a headache.

87. Sure whatever.

88. I'll put some sounds on. There's a bad atmosphere in here.

89. Why won't she be mine?

90. I wish I was more attractive like Dagless.

91. Still, one can only dream.

92. I'm a one-track lover

93. Down a two-way lane

94. Drivin' fast down the highway

95. Must have been insane

96. Cos the temperature's too high

97. Travellin' way too fast

98. And I knew our lovin'

99. Was too hot to last

100. She's smooth

101. Like ice, cold to the touch and it isn't very nice when you're left

102. Alone, your lady treats you bad, leaves you hangin' on the phone

103. Take off, shove your lovin' in the wheels

104. Put the pedal to the floor cos you're heading for the hills

105. Got to get away, can't take it no more We should be makin' love

106. Man, you don't need this, leave her at the door.

107. The door, the door, the door -

108. Sanch, open the door!

109. Open the door, Sanch! Sanch!

110. Sorry, Thornton. Bad dream.

111. Count yourself lucky. Look at her.

112. It can happen like that, you can fall in love in an instant.

113. Todd's wonderful in this episode.

114. There are scenes with him and me where I think you're watching him as much as me.

115. Apparently she was in for a routine operation to have he toe shortened

116. which was really long like a finger.

117. The next thing she knew this happened.

118. All in all she's a little off colour!

119. You shut your mouth, Liz!

120. No you shut your mouth, Sanch, that was funny!

121. If we lose our sense of humour in this place, we might as well kill ourselves.

122. He's right Sanch, one of the main reasons I went into medicine was for the laughs.

123. That and the pussy.

124. And that dried up ten year ago if you'll pardon the expression.

125. that may be so but that's no reason to mock this woman's condition.

126. Look -

127. I'm gonna stay with her. Talk with her. Help her.

128. It's called a bedside manner - heard of it?

129. Heard of yours, pal.

130. I've had it with you clowns.

131. He's acting like a jerk.

132. Come on, Liz, coffee's on me.

133. But coffee's free here.

134. Shh!

135. She don't know that.

136. I'll look after Liz. Get this skin sample analysed, and keep this shtoom.

137. If Won Ton gets wind of this, my arse is grass, and he's got a lawnmower!

138. You dig?

139. Ten-four.

140. Darkplace!

141. Funny...

142. Hullo - Is that Gavin, the hospital gas expert?

143. ...Can you put Gavin on?

144. Hi, Gavin.

145. Just a quick question re: that green gas in the sky last night.

146. Sorry, I thought you were gonna speak.

147. Yep.

148. Could the green gas have contained cosmic fungi and/or sent down spores?

149. It could?

150. And those fungal spores could infect a person?

151. Only if the person had been left directly next to an air vent?

152. Cheers, Gavin. I owe you a beer.

153. Actually, you owed me one from before so we're quits.

154. Broccoli.

155. She's turning into broccoli.

156. Mmm, something smells good.

157. It's egg in soup.

158. Here, let me cut up your pork pie.

159. Whoops.

160. Ah, you've spilt.

161. I'll get a nurse to help you out of that night dress.

162. I think I'd be more comfortable with a...

163. a doctor's touch.

164. As a horror writer, there are certain words

165. you don't use when you're writing a sex scene -

166. balls, knickers, scrote.

167. It's not clever, it's not sexy. It's bad writing.

168. I read modern writers, and it's, "Screw this, he licked her, she sucked that,

169. "he bit the other, someone put it there, he held it, it was at this frequency..."

170. I mean where's the sensuality?

171. You know, where is, erm, where is

172. "He glided in, liquid smooth"?

173. Where's her "wispy mound"?

174. Where's her "sacred V"?

175. "Honeyed lining".

176. Her "mossy cleft".

177. Look at that.

178. Makes you wonder what else is up there.

179. All our broccoli must've come from these skies, billions of years ago.

180. Over time it's evolved, become less aggressive.

181. Broccoli from space.

182. I wondered why it tasted odd.

183. This is serious, Thornton.

184. Come on, Dag. That was funny.

185. You're right, that was funny.

186. I'm just worried about Sanch.

187. How are we gonna tell him that this time tomorrow

188. the girl he loves will be a complete vegetable?

189. Broccoli.

190. I can cope with constant bereavement. He can't.

191. Most people can't.

192. That's not all, Reed and Rick.

193. Isn't it?

194. No.

195. Gavin the hospital gas expert just called. He handed me this.

196. According to this

197. the broccoli spores can be passed on during the act of physical lovemaking.

198. If it's passed to Sanchez, half of Romford could have it within the week.

199. If they have made love, there is a fifty percent chance Sanchez has got it.

200. Well.

201. We're gonna have to hope Sanch ain't dipped his wick,

202. otherwise this could go nationwide.

203. Bang goes my Hippocratic oath.

204. Have you ever done that before?

205. What? Making love?

206. No, I mean with a patient?

207. Once or twice, but they were dying - it was their last wish.

208. But with you, it was real.

209. I did it because you're different.

210. Plus, I think I've got a thing for green women.

211. Hold me in your arms.

212. We don't even know each other's names.

213. Linda.

214. Doctor Sanchez.

215. Oh...

216. What is it?

217. I'm just so happy.

218. The cosmic spores, of course, represented AIDS.

219. I have had...

220. such terrible experiences with...

221. that...

222. with - with the AIDS.

223. Erm... I've lost so many friends to that terrible disease -

224. my half-brother, who was such a promising dancer -

225. very quietly and very peacefully,

226. he went.

227. And then...

228. Freddie went.

229. Erm.

230. Back then, no one would touch this subject.

231. You know, it was us and Princess Di.

232. What's the matter, Dag?

233. You look like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders

234. if you catch my drift as it were.

235. Have you ever been in love, Padre?

236. Only with the holy three.

237. Ha-ha.

238. It can make you feel like the king of the world, or...

239. A complete tool?

240. It's powerful stuff.

241. My best friend's woman's gonna die.

242. She's turning into broccoli.

243. Jesus Christi.

244. It's taking her over.

245. It's very infectious Padre.

246. And I fear the only way to stop it spreading is to boil her.

247. You... could... steam her.

248. How does one weigh the happiness of these two star-crossed lovers --

249. Romeo and Juliet --

250. 'gainst the future of Romford?

251. You'll know what to do.

252. You're the most sensitive man I know, and I know God.

253. Thanks for the advice.

254. I knew I'd be right.

255. Come on, come to Padre.

256. Embrace the infinite.

257. That's it, that's it.

258. Oh, come on.

259. If you need me, I'll be right here in the vestry.

260. If not, I'll be out in the Jeep.

261. Cheers, Padre.

262. Stay holy.

263. Amen.

264. When I pray,

265. and sometimes I do...

266. I pray to myself.

267. I pray that I can pull myself through.

268. And if I'm lucky...

269. I answer myself.

270. Champagne on ice for bed 395 -

271. and make sure it's in a bucket. I want to surprise Linda.

272. I'll have a double scotch and I imagine my good friend here will have the same.

273. She's a hell of a woman.

274. To Linda and her speedy recovery!

275. Yeah.

276. How can I tell him she's dying? It'll tear him apart.

277. Sanch, I just saw Linda.

278. She told me to tell you she doesn't love you

279. and that you should forget anything that ever happened because it was meaningless.

280. I'm sorry buddy.

281. That's a goddamn lie.

282. You can't stand it, can you Dag.

283. You can't stand it that this time I got the girl.

284. Don't walk away from me, lover boy.

285. I suggest you remove your hand or so help me god I'll knock you down.

286. You're gonna have to make me.

287. OK, buddy, let's dance.

288. Jesus! Been in the gym.

289. Nice shot, buddy!

290. Look. I'll level with you.

291. Linda's dying. She's turning into broccoli. It's very contagious.

292. She must be boiled.

293. Boil Linda? Over my dead body, you bastard!

294. OK, come on.

295. Yeah? Come on!

296. One dirty trick, on my back! Bastard!

297. Knock it off you two this is a hospital!

298. He's out of line.

299. I'm out of line? He's out of line!

300. You're both out of line!

301. I'm not gonna stand here and dance for you. I don't have to.

302. I want to see you both in my office five minutes ago -

303. so you'd best hurry up!

304. Look Sanch, I know about Linda, and I'm sorry. God knows I am.

305. But slapping Dag's ass about this ain't gonna bring her back, Annie.

306. Now if Dag thinks the only way to contain this is to boil her,

307. then I'm backing him a hundred and ten percent.

308. That means I could backtrack ten percent and I'd still be completely behind him.

309. You have no idea what this feels like, old timer.

310. I've been there hombre.

311. When I heard my wife died, I could barely finish my lunch.

312. But right now Dag and I are more worried about your downstairs area.

313. Sanch, we know what's up with your meat and two. I saw you in the gents.

314. Mild discomfort, nothing I can't handle.

315. Tell Reed what colour it is!

316. Olive green! What of it?

317. Look, we're gonna have to lop it off otherwise it'll spread.

318. I've asked Reed to assist me in the operation.

319. That rusty general?! He's not been in surgery in ten years!

320. I've had first-hand experience. I lost a ball in Korea.

321. Had to do the op myself.

322. That was one ball! This is the whole nine yards.

323. Now why am I letting him near the old boy?

324. I'd offer you my own if I could,

325. but this is the only way.

326. It's the only way, Sanch.

327. Otherwise it'll spread.

328. You're not getting my rod without a fight.

329. The next sequence in the show, alas, is lost.

330. The pertaining can of film was destroyed in a drink-related misadventure in Fulham.

331. It was an idiotic altercation,

332. which I bitterly regret both for personal and professional reasons.

333. However, with the aid of some photographic stills taken by the girlfriend of the time,

334. we have reconstructed the missing scenes with added narration from the available cast.

335. I hope this does not impair your enjoyment of the drama.

336. Sanchez lunges at Reed but is held down by Dagless.

337. "Don't touch it!" Sanchez says.

338. Reed calls for backup

339. and a general anaesthetic is administered by a hospital ordinator.

340. Meanwhile, Linda's condition worsens.

341. Sanchez is rushed to surgery in a race against time to stop the infection spreading.

342. Reluctantly and with some difficulty,

343. Dagless and Reed remove the affected penis and leave Sanchez to recuperate,

344. However, it is now too late for Linda.

345. Hello, Linda.

346. You look better.

347. Do you feel you're getting better?

348. Now, I've run some tests.

349. And you're gonna have a long sleep,

350. and then you're gonna wake up again right as rain.

351. And Sanchez will be with you and you'll have a great future together.

352. Sanch would be here, but

353. he's out on his rounds helping some crippled children right now.

354. Can't get him to shut up talking about you.

355. You've found yourself a good man.

356. The guy happens to be my best bud in the whole world.

357. What's this?

358. A dream catcher.

359. What's a dream catcher?

360. It's like a wind chime.

361. Then why don't you say wind chime?

362. Thank you.

363. Sanch will love this.

364. He loves wind, and he loves the sound of tinkling.

365. And he loves you.

366. She's gone.

367. She's all yours, guys.

368. As Linda breathed her last green breath,

369. the cloud disappeared - much like the Scotch Mist did last week -

370. and I went back to my humble doctor's duties.

371. Thanks for saving my life.

372. You're welcome, little man.

373. He's a good kid.

374. You gotta keep him off the smack though otherwise this'll keep happening.

375. Maybe you should try and get a husband, get some stability in your life, okay?

376. Excuse me.

377. Hey, big guy.

378. Take it from Rick - I will not rest until I've found you an adequate replacement.

379. Linda asked me to give you this.

380. What is it?

381. It's a dream catcher.

382. What's a dream catcher?

383. It's like a wind chime.

384. I think you should have it.

385. For saving my life.

386. Thanks, Sanch.

387. Wait!

388. Thanks for that lift.

389. Don't mention it.

390. The broccoli had gone, but the hurt remained -

391. for all of us, not just Sanchez.

392. Darkplace was finding ways of getting to us from within,

393. and what we had to fear most was ourselves.

394. That and AIDS. If you want it, wear one - sex, that is, not AIDS. No-one wants AIDS.

395. I guess I was going to have to look out for everyone -

396. not that I'd get any thanks.

397. With this show, I wanted to make people laugh, and cry,

398. and shit themself at the same time.

399. I fear that we are seeing an end

400. to the quality of television that you and I...

401. should be able to take for granted.

402. We are seeing a dumbing down of television.

403. I think we're living in dangerous times.

404. The horror genre is in decline.

405. Erm...

406. Reading is in decline.

407. Literacy, numeracy, the three Ls are in decline.

408. "You and he were...

409. "buddies, weren't you?"

410. Need I say more? Need I say more?

411. We didn't know what it was going to achieve, in the long run.

412. we didn't know it would still be, y'know, talked about, these days.

413. Garth's place in history is assured.

414. His place in history is assured.

415. As a horror writer, I don't ask for much,

416. I just hope I've changed the way you think about life.

417. I'm a one-track lover

418. Down a two-way lane

419. Driving fast down the highway

420. Must have been insane

421. Cos the temperature's too high

422. Travellin' way too fast [ Subtitles by videodante E06 v1 ]

423. And I knew our lovin'...

424. Was too...

425. Garth Marenghi's Darkplace is a Garth Marenghi production

426. in association with Dean Learner.