1. "He whisked off her shoes
and panties in one movement,
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2. wild like an enraged shark,
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3. his bulky totem beating
a seductive rhythm.
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4. Mary's body felt
like it was burning,
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5. even though the room
was properly air-conditioned.
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6. They tried all the positions.
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7. On top, doggy, and normal.
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8. Exhausted, they collapsed onto
the recently extended sofa bed.
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9. Then a hell beast ate them."
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10. Welcome, friend.
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11. I'm Garth Marenghi,
horror writer,
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12. although I also pen westerns
and erotica
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13. to keep my oar in with
other fields of literature.
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14. I've always loved
the great tragedies,
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15. 'King Lear', 'The Poseidon
Adventure', 'Superman II'.
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16. And when I wrote,
directed and starred
in 'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace'
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17. I set out to continue
that grand tradition.
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18. This eve's yarn
is a simple tale o' heartbreak,
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19. an eternal story
of love and loss,
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20. set against the backdrop
of an abortive alien invasion.
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21. Though you don't actually
find out it's abortive
till the end of the show.
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22. It's my 'Romeo And Juliet'
but less whiny.
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23. So, dear pilgrim,
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24. I give you my hymn to the heart,
with horror,
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25. along with
interviews from myself,
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26. my publisher, Dean Learner,
and the actor Todd Rivers.
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27. That way, you won't
have to think for yourselves,
which is probably safer.
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28. Hold it gently, as you wouldst
a lover, lying in a field,
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29. nestled in the shade
of a mighty oak tree.
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30. Perhap you're gently petting,
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31. having just enjoyed a hamper
of chilled white wine
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32. and a selection
of continental cheeses.
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33. Bon appetit.
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34. I'm Garth Marenghi,
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35. author, dreamweaver,
visionary, plus actor.
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36. You are about to enter
the world of my imagination.
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37. You are entering my Darkplace.
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38. Oh! One moment.
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39. Nature calls,
if you know what I mean.
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40. I'll just leave you briefly
by this air vent.
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41. Ah!
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42. Arghh! Ah!
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43. What is it?
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44. I forgot to flush!
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45. Get me Dr. Rick Dagless M.D.
now! Yes, I'll hold.
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46. The script to Shuggoth
was based on an old sonnet
sequence I wrote when I was 16.
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47. I'm a language junkie,
that's my hit.
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48. I get off on language.
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49. I mean, you know,
just to think of
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50. that poem by Wordsworth.
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51. "I wandered lonely as a cloud
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52. that floats on high
o'er vales and hills,
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53. when all at once I saw a cloud,
a host of gleaming daffodils."
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54. To think there weren't
even rhyming dictionaries around
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55. when Bill wrote that,
it's very humbling.
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56. Garth is the most
significant artist
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57. that I've ever worked with
and I worked with Lulu
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58. and four other people.
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59. So we're talking
crème de la crme.
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60. My name is Dr. Rick Dagless M.D.
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61. A woman turned green last night.
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62. The porter said he saw her
breathe in a green gas.
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63. Could this be linked to
the green cloud of gas
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64. that was directly over the
hospital's ventilation shaft?
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65. I was cruising down
to Ward B to find out.
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66. I'd stopped out
of my way to give Sanchez
and Asher a lift,
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67. a courtesy for which
they'd yet to thank me.
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68. You're welcome.
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69. What the hell's the matter
with you, Dag?
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70. Nothing.
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71. What are you doing
for dinner tonight, Liz?
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72. Oh, erm, nothing really.
Why, are you asking me out?
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73. No, no, no. Just trying
to get some recipe ideas.
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74. I'm finding food
a real bore at the moment.
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75. What I do is sometimes
get a tin of soup.
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76. - Yeah.
- Heat it up, poach an egg in it.
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77. Serve that with a pork pie,
sausage roll.
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78. I'll get a Wimpy.
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79. Your call, Dag.
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80. Liz? Fancy egg in soup?
I'm free this evening.
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81. - No. I think I'll wash my hair.
- OK.
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82. Plus, I've now got a headache.
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83. Sure. Whatever.
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84. I'll put some sounds on.
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85. There's a bad atmosphere
in here.
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86. The door.
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87. Sanch! Open the door. Sanch!
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88. Sorry, Thornton. Bad dream.
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89. Count yourself lucky.
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90. Look at her.
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91. It can happen like that,
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92. you can fall in love
in an instant.
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93. Todd's wonderful
in this episode.
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94. And there are scenes
with me and him,
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95. where I think you're watching
him as much as me.
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96. She was in
for a routine operation
to have her toe shortened,
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97. which was really long,
like a finger.
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98. The next thing she knew,
this happened.
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99. All in all, she's
a little off colour.
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100. - You shut your mouth, Liz.
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101. Whoa, you shut your mouth,
Sanch. That was funny.
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102. If we lose our sense
of humour in this place
we might as well kill ourselves.
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103. One of the main reasons
I went into medicine
was for the laughs.
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104. That and the pussy.
And that dried up ten year ago
if you'll pardon the expression.
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105. That maybe so,
but that's no reason to mock
this poor woman's condition.
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106. Look, I'm gonna stay with her.
Talk to her. Help her.
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107. - It's called a bedside manner.
Heard of it?
- Heard of yours, pal.
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108. I've had it with you clowns.
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109. He's acting like a jerk.
Come on, Liz, coffee's on me.
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110. But coffee's free here.
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111. Shh! She don't know that.
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112. I'll look after Liz, you get
this skin sample analysed.
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113. And keep this schtum.
If Won Ton gets wind of this,
my arse is grass.
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114. And he's got a lawnmower.
You dig?
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115. Ten four.
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116. Funny.
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117. Hello. Is that Gavin,
the hospital gas expert?
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118. Well, can you put Gavin on?
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119. Hi, Gavin. Just a quick question
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120. that green gas
in the sky last night.
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121. Sorry, I thought
you were gonna speak. Yeah.
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122. Could the green gas have
contained cosmic fungi
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123. and or sent down spores?
It could.
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124. And those fungal spores
could infect a person?
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125. Only if the person
had been left directly
next to an air vent?
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126. Cheers, Gavin. I owe you a beer.
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127. Actually, you owed me one
from before, so we're quits.
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128. Broccoli?
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129. She's turning into broccoli.
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130. Mmm. Something smells good.
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131. It's egg in soup.
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132. Here, let me cut up
your pork pie.
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133. - Whoops.
- Ah, you've spilt.
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134. I'll get a nurse to help
you out of that nightdress.
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135. I think I'd be more comfortable
with a doctor's touch.
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136. As a horror writer,
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137. there are certain words
you don't use
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138. when you're writing a sex scene,
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139. balls, knickers, scrote.
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140. It's not clever. It's not sexy.
It's bad writing.
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141. I read modern writers and it's
screw this, he licked her,
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142. she sucked that,
he bit the other,
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143. someone put it there,
he held it,
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144. it was at this frequency.
Where's the sensuality?
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145. Where is...
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146. Where's "he glided in,
liquid smooth"?
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147. Where's "her wispy mound"?
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148. Where's "her sacred V"?
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149. - "Honeyed lining"?
- "Her mossy cleft"?
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150. Look at that.
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151. Makes you wonder
what else is up there.
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152. All our broccoli must've
come down from these skies,
billions of years ago.
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153. Over time it's evolved.
Become less aggressive.
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154. Broccoli from space.
I wondered why it tasted odd.
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155. This is serious, Thornton.
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156. Come on, Dag. That was funny.
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157. You're right, that was funny.
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158. I'm just worried about Sanch.
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159. How are we gonna tell him
that this time tomorrow
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160. - the girl he loves will be
a complete vegetable?
- Broccoli.
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161. I can cope with constant
bereavement. He can't.
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162. Most people can't.
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163. - That's not all,
Reed and Rick. No.
- Isn't it?
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164. Gavin the hospital
gas expert just called.
He handed me this.
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165. According to this, the broccoli
spores can be passed on
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166. during the act
of physical lovemaking.
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167. But if it's passed to Sanchez,
half of Romford
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168. could have it within the week.
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169. If they have made love there's
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170. a 50% chance Sanchez has got it.
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171. We're gonna have to hope Sanchez
dipped his wick,
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172. otherwise this could
go nationwide.
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173. Bang goes my Hippocratic oath.
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174. Have you ever done that before?
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175. What? Making love?
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176. No. I mean, with a patient.
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177. Once or twice, but they were
dying, it was their last wish.
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178. But with you it was real.
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179. I did it
because you're different.
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180. Plus, I think I've got
a thing for green women.
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181. Hold me in your arms.
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182. We don't even know
each other's names.
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183. - Linda.
- Dr. Sanchez.
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184. What is it?
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185. I'm just so happy.
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186. The cosmic spores, of course,
represented AIDS.
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187. I have had
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188. such terrible experiences
with that...
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189. with the AIDS.
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190. I've lost so many friends
to that terrible disease.
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191. My half-brother who was
such a promising dancer,
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192. very quietly
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193. and very peacefully he went.
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194. And then Freddie went.
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195. Back then no one would
touch this as a subject.
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196. It was us and Princess Di.
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197. What's the matter, Dag?
Looks like you've got the weight
of the world on your shoulders,
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198. if you catch my drift
as it were.
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199. Have you ever been
in love, padre?
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200. Only with the holy three.
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201. It can make you feel like
the king of the world or—
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202. A complete tool.
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203. It's powerful stuff.
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204. My best friend's woman's
gonna die.
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205. - She's turning into broccoli.
- Jesu Christi.
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206. It's taking her over.
It's very infectious, padre.
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207. And I fear the only way
to stop this spreading
will be to boil her.
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208. You could steam her.
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209. How does one weigh the
happiness of these two
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210. star-crossed lovers,
Romeo and Juliet,
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211. 'gainst the future of Romford?
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212. You'll know what to do.
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213. You're the most
sensitive man I know.
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214. And I know God.
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215. Thanks for the advice.
I knew I'd be right.
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216. Come on, come to padre.
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217. Embrace the infinite.
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218. That's it. That's it. Come on.
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219. If you need me I'll be right
here in the vestry.
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220. If not I'll be out in the jeep.
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221. - Cheers, padre. Amen.
- Stay holy.
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222. When I pray, and sometimes I do,
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223. I pray to myself.
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224. I pray that
I can pull myself through.
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225. And if I'm lucky...
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226. I answer myself.
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227. Champagne on ice for bed 395.
Make sure it's in a bucket.
I want to surprise Linda.
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228. And now I'll have a double
Scotch and I imagine my good
friend here will have the same.
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229. She's a hell of a woman.
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230. To Linda and her
speedy recovery.
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231. Yeah.
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232. How can I tell him she's dying?
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233. It'll tear him apart.
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234. Sanch, I just saw Linda.
She told me to tell you
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235. that she doesn't love you
and everything was meaningless.
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236. I'm sorry, buddy.
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237. That's a goddamn lie.
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238. You can't stand it,
can you, Dag?
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239. You can't stand it that
this time I got the girl.
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240. Don't walk away
from me, lover boy.
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241. I suggest you move your hand
or, so help me God,
I'll knock you down.
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242. You're going to have to make me.
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243. OK, buddy, let's dance.
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244. Jesus! Been in the gym.
Nice shot, buddy!
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245. Look, I'll level with you.
Linda's dying.
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246. She's turning into broccoli.
It's very contagious.
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247. She must be boiled.
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248. Boil Linda?
Over my dead body, you bastard.
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249. OK! Come on!
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250. Yeah, come on!
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251. One dirty trick,
on my back! Bastard!
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252. Knock it off, you two.
This is a hospital.
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253. - He's out of line.
- I'm out of line?
He's out of line!
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254. You're both out of line.
I'm not gonna stand here
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255. and dance for you.
I don't have to.
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256. I wanna see both of you
in my office, five minutes ago.
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257. So you'd best hurry up.
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258. Look, Sanch, I know all about
Linda and I'm sorry,
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259. God knows I am,
but slapping Dag's ass
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260. about the shop ain't gonna
bring her back any.
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261. Now if Dag thinks the only way
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262. to contain this is to boil her
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263. then I'm backing him 110%.
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264. That means I could backtrack 10%
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265. and I'd still be
completely behind him.
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266. You have no idea what
this feels like, old-timer.
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267. I've been there, hombre.
When I heard my wife died,
I could barely finish my lunch.
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268. But right now, Dag and I
are worried about
your downstairs area.
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269. Sanch, we know what's up
with your meat and two.
I saw you in the gents.
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270. Mild discomfort.
Nothing I can't handle.
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271. - Tell Reed what colour it is.
- Olive green. What of it?
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272. Look, we're going to have to
lop it off or it'll spread.
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273. I've asked Reed to assist me
in the operation.
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274. That rusty general? He's not
been in surgery in ten years.
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275. I've had first hand experience.
I lost a ball in Korea.
Had to do the op myself.
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276. That was one ball.
This is the whole nine yards.
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277. No way am I letting
him near the old boy.
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278. I'd offer you my own if I could
but this is the only way.
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279. It's the only way, Sanch.
Otherwise it'll spread.
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280. You're not getting
my rod without a fight.
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281. The next sequence in the show,
alas, is lost.
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282. The pertaining can of film
was destroyed in a drink-related
misadventure in Fulham.
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283. It was an idiotic altercation,
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284. which I bitterly regret
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285. both for personal
and professional reasons.
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286. However, with the aid
of some photographic stills
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287. taken by the girlfriend
at the time
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288. we have reconstructed
the missing scenes
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289. with added narration
from the available cast.
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290. I hope that this does not impair
your enjoyment of the drama.
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291. Sanchez lunges at Reed
but is held down by Dagless.
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292. Don't touch it!
Sanchez says.
Reed calls for back up
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293. and a general anaesthetic
is administered by
a hospital orderly.
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294. Meanwhile, Linda's
condition worsens.
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295. Sanchez is rushed to surgery,
in a race against time
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296. to stop the infection spreading.
With some difficulty,
Dagless and Reed
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297. remove the affected penis,
and leave Sanchez to recuperate.
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298. However, it is now
too late for Linda.
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299. Hello, Linda.
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300. You look better.
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301. Do you feel
you're getting better?
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302. Now I've run some tests.
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303. And you're gonna have
a long sleep
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304. and then you're gonna
wake up again right as rain.
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305. And Sanchez'll be with you
and you'll have a great
future together.
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306. Sanch would be here
but he's out on his rounds
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307. helping some crippled
children right now.
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308. Can't get him to shut up
talking about you.
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309. You've found yourself
a good man.
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310. Guy happens to be my best bud
in the whole world.
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311. - What's this?
- It's a dreamcatcher.
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312. - What's a dreamcatcher?
- It's like a wind chime.
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313. Then why don't you say
wind chime?
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314. Thank you, Sanch will love this.
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315. He loves wind
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316. and he loves the sound
of tinkling.
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317. And he loves you.
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318. She's gone.
She's all yours, guys.
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319. As Linda breathed her
last green breath,
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320. the cloud disappeared
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321. much like the Scotch Mist
did last week.
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322. And I went back to my humble
doctor's duties.
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323. Thanks for saving my life.
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324. You're welcome, little man.
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325. He's a good kid.
You gotta keep him
off the smack though,
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326. otherwise this'll keep happening.
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327. Maybe you should
try and get a husband.
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328. Get some stability
in your life, OK?
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329. Excuse me.
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330. Hey, big guy.
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331. Take it from Rick, I will
not rest until I've found you
an adequate replacement.
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332. Linda asked me to give you this.
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333. What is it?
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334. It's a dreamcatcher.
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335. What's a dreamcatcher?
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336. It's like a wind chime.
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337. I think you should have it.
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338. For saving my life.
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339. Thanks, Sanch.
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340. Wait!
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341. Thanks for that lift.
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342. Don't mention it.
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343. The broccoli had gone
but the hurt remained.
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344. For all of us, not just Sanchez.
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345. Darkplace was finding ways
of getting to us from within
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346. and what we had to fear most
was ourselves, that and AIDS.
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347. If you want it, wear one.
Sex that is, not AIDS,
no one wants AIDS.
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348. I guess I was gonna have
to look out for everyone.
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349. Not that I'd get any thanks.
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350. With this show,
I wanted to make people laugh
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351. and cry and shit themself
at the same time.
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352. I fear that we are seeing an end
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353. to the quality of television
that you and I
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354. should be able
to take for granted.
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355. We are seeing a dumbing
down of television.
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356. I think we're living
in dangerous times.
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357. The horror genre is in decline.
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358. Reading is in decline,
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359. literacy, numeracy,
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360. the three "L's" are in decline.
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361. "You and he were buddies,
weren't you?"
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362. Need I say more,
need I say more?
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363. We didn't know what...
what it was gonna achieve
in the long run.
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364. We didn't know that
it would still be talked about
these days.
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365. Garth's place
in history is assured,
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366. his place in history is assured.
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367. As a horror writer,
I don't ask for much.
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368. I just hope I've changed
the way you think about life.
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369. 'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace'
is a Garth Marenghi production.
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370. In association
with Dean Learner.
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