Garth Marenghi's Darkplace 1x4

Noel Fielding as Monkey Man • Kim Noble as Jim • Julian Barratt as Padre

Monkey business most macabre. A terrible sickness is spreading from ward to ward as humans regress to a primal state. Dr. Rick Dagless M.D. must kill the beast within us, and fast. i.e. before it's too late.

Request examples:

!req Garth Marenghi's Darkplace 1x4 [02:32]
!req Garth Marenghi's Darkplace 1x4 [Garth Marenghi's Darkplace 1x4]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req Garth Marenghi's Darkplace 1x4 [10-11]; !req Garth Marenghi's Darkplace 1x4 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. "The moonlight shone down on the place unhindered.

2. The gnarled parapets jagged upwards

3. like a bony hand of icy indifference.

4. In the background there was a pigeon.

5. Who knew how long the place had stood there.

6. 40 years? 50 years?

7. Tempus immemoria? I.e. always?

8. But it was a bad place, that much was certain,

9. a very bad place indeed."

10. Greetings, traveller. Who am I?

11. Perhaps you have met me twixt sleep and wake,

12. in the penumbra of uncertainty you call unconsciousness.

13. Or perhaps you've met me at a book signing.

14. I'm Garth Marenghi, horror author,

15. my business is chill, impure and simple.

16. You know, my books are all essentially about "what ifs".

17. In 'Black Fang' I asked, what if a rat could drive a bus?

18. And what if it and its rat brethren took over and ate Parliament?

19. When I wrote, directed and starred

20. in tonight's episode of 'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace',

21. I was asking another "what if".

22. Now, I won't tell you which "what if" it is

23. but it's basically along the same lines but with a different animal.

24. Without giving too much away, think 'Planet of the Apes'.

25. This eve's tale o' blood is an allegory

26. and as such I've included interviews with myself,

27. my publisher Dean Learner and the actor Todd Rivers

28. so that we can tell you what it means.

29. Here it be, a future shock that'll shit you up.

30. I'd like to dedicate tonight's episode to my wife, Pam,

31. who deals with the bulk of my admin.

32. I'm Garth Marenghi,

33. author, dreamweaver, visionary, plus actor.

34. You are about to enter the world of my imagination.

35. You are entering my Darkplace.

36. Sanch. Are you copping z's?

37. Come on, I need you on the ward. There are kids dying out here.

38. Hey, bud. Just give me two ticks.

39. My mouth feels like somebody parked a car in it.

40. That's peculiar.

41. Sanch! Sanch?

42. What?

43. I think it's only with hindsight that I realise

44. how radical Darkplace was and is.

45. We knew at the time it was raw

46. but we didn't realise it could get rawer with time.

47. It's balls to the wall, flat out horror.

48. They would not make this show today. They would not make it.

49. You know, it was way the hell out there.

50. You know, we were young, we were physically fit

51. and we were challenging logic.

52. My name is Dr. Rick Dagless M.D.

53. A new terror in Darkplace.

54. Sanchez, my friend, my buddy, is now an ape.

55. Although still a competent surgeon, he does now smell like an ape.

56. But was he the only one?

57. Well, the word on the ward was no, he weren't.

58. This place was dark. Damn dark.

59. Hence, Darkplace.

60. We parked the wheels and hauled ass to Reed's office

61. but on the way I made a special detour.

62. Hey, there, little guy.

63. - Good news, You're gonna be alright. - Thanks to you.

64. Here are those prescription drugs you couldn't afford.

65. I bought them out of my own pocket.

66. Don't thank me.

67. I gotta go and save another life.

68. Take care, little guy.

69. Dr. Dagless.

70. Yes, buddy?

71. I owe you everything.

72. If you need any help, you could always rely on me.

73. That means a lot.

74. I punched one of the child actors who was working on set

75. because they were rude about Garth's writing.

76. It was more of a back of the hand than a punch.

77. But they came up in a big red bruise,

78. someone took a photo of it, blah, blah, blah.

79. Cry, cry, cry.

80. I don't see it as a problem.

81. Jim?

82. Could you run these ECG results past the boys in radiology?

83. Right away.

84. Dag? In here.

85. I don't even have time to drink this water,

86. I'm that busy.

87. Could you ever love a monkey, Liz?

88. It's certainly an improvement on the old look.

89. Hey!

90. Morning, Dag. Morning, Thornton Reed.

91. Good morning.

92. Would either of you two like a glass of water?

93. No, thanks. I'll have a coffee.

94. Thanks, Sanch. I'd love a glass.

95. Oh, drat. It's run out. Here. Have mine.

96. No, no, Sanch. You have it.

97. I'll grab a coffee, instead of the water.

98. One coffee coming right up.

99. Here you go.

100. Cheers!

101. As I'm sure you people are aware, we've got a situation.

102. People are regressing to a primal stage and it's spreading.

103. Fast! Dagless.

104. We need a slice of your loaf, what's going on?

105. I figure the following,

106. Sanch is regressing to Homo neanderthalenis.

107. Right now, Sanch, you're Homo erectus

108. but who knows how long you've got.

109. I appreciate your being straight with me.

110. - And you and I are Homo sapiens? - Correct.

111. But if we're all basically homos, shouldn't we get along?

112. You'd have thought. But Homo erectus is famed for his meanness.

113. How are you feeling in here, Sanch?

114. I'm bearing up, you know me, Dag.

115. Yeah. Yeah, I do, big guy.

116. Come on, you two queers. We need to lick this problem

117. before it turns round and slaps us in the nuts.

118. We need data. Liz, fill us boys in, if you'll pardon the expression.

119. Liz?

120. Liz? Liz?

121. - It's got Liz, too. - Whatever it is.

122. Dr. Sanchez. If you don't come to surgery now,

123. we'll have to start without you.

124. - Wish me luck. - Good luck.

125. I need you to crack this, Dag, cos if not Won Ton will

126. be all over me like knockers in a wind tunnel.

127. I'll go and have a word with the padre, he knows a lot about monkeys.

128. Right. I'll stay here.

129. Come on, Liz.

130. I led Liz, by now a sick parody of womanhood, down the corridor.

131. Perhaps the Padre could elucidate the cause of all this,

132. though at this stage in the narrative it would be odd if he did.

133. No.

134. This make up was done years ago for the monkeys.

135. I was worried when I saw the VHS again

136. that it would look ridiculous and old fashioned,

137. you know, and quite naff.

138. It's not true, it looks great, still.

139. Would you like a drink of something?

140. Tea, coffee, juice?

141. - I'd love a glass of water. - No! That's mine.

142. Alright, don't sweat it. I'll suck a mint.

143. I'll come straight to the point.

144. Where does the Church stand on the matter of evolution?

145. Monkeys were created by God to entertain us. That's all we know, Rick.

146. - But surely— - That's all we know, Rick!

147. Yeah. Sure, padre.

148. I think I understand. Come on, Liz.

149. Mind how you go, Rick.

150. Mind how you go.

151. It worsens, the padre, my friend and colleague, is now an ape.

152. Who was next? Would it get me?

153. I really hoped it wouldn't.

154. And what was it anyway?

155. So many questions. Why Liz?

156. Why the padre? Why Sanchez?

157. Why not Reed? Why not me?

158. This hospital was turning into a jungle,

159. and everyone was acting like monkeys.

160. Terry, run a jay over the seat. I think Liz has left a souvenir.

161. Emergency in surgery, emergency in surgery.

162. Not my fault! Monkey bastard hands!

163. It wasn't difficult for me to get into character.

164. I know the beast in me. I've been drunk with him for 15 years.

165. So it was home from home, you might say.

166. Both Todd and I were wild at the time,

167. I mean, we were behaving like flipping Romans.

168. We were like animals and I looked in the mirror one day,

169. excuse me, and I said you're not a man, Dean, you're an ape.

170. I have stood in Dean's front room and watched him make a lot of love. Let's just say that.

171. I'm afraid, Rick.

172. I'm afraid of what I'm becoming.

173. Yep. That's me.

174. This is unmanageable.

175. I used to have the best hair in the hospital.

176. I'm starting to get some pretty primal urges.

177. I didn't wanna say, but when I went into surgery this morning

178. you were waving your bits out the window.

179. I don't even know I'm doing it.

180. I thought I was helping attach a drip.

181. I went to the padre to confess.

182. I ended up washing my arse in the font.

183. Liz is throwing her own poo as a way of getting attention.

184. If I get too far gone, Rick...

185. you know what to do.

186. Yeah. Well, you hang on in there, bud.

187. You hang on in there for Rick.

188. My bonce having been knocked,

189. I fell into a strange fantastical dream,

190. rich in imaginative imagery.

191. I found myself alone in a primitive land

192. where phantasm, spelt with a "ph" not an "f", abounded.

193. I turned one way then the other,

194. then back,

195. then forward.

196. Then I saw myself as a monkey.

197. When I came to, my head felt like a plum without the pip.

198. Apparently, I'd been asleep for a month, which is ages.

199. Reed told me everything.

200. How the monkeys now ruled Darkplace.

201. How they'd taken over.

202. They've taken over.

203. Oh, no. Oh, Jesus!

204. They've taken over, they've taken over!

205. Why's Liz here?

206. The clan rejected her.

207. She'd been mauled when I found her, the brutes.

208. - What are we gonna do, Reed? - Blow me if I know.

209. God, my throat is parched. I'd best have a sip of water.

210. Look, Dag, maybe we shouldn't do anything.

211. What do you mean?

212. This hospital's running pretty well, despite all this.

213. - What do you mean? - No one takes days off anymore,

214. everyone's grooming each other.

215. And the doctors are literally working for peanuts.

216. Within a year, our financial problems will be history, old news.

217. We'll be able to build that children's wing.

218. Think about it, Rick.

219. The Darkplace Dagless Kiddie Wing.

220. It's what we've always dreamed about.

221. Not this way, Reed. It's barbaric.

222. I want that Kiddie Wing just as much you do,

223. but right now most of those kids are chimps and that's my priority.

224. You're a fool. You're a fool to walk away from this. You're a fool.

225. You're a fool! You're a fool! You're a fool, you're a fool! You're a flippin' fool!

226. Would either of you two like a glass of water?

227. I still haven't had time to drink this water.

228. Would you like a drink of something?

229. The water.

230. I still haven't had a glass of water.

231. Wait a minute, it is the water.

232. Don't drink that. Look, it's bright green.

233. Thank God, I only took a tiny sip.

234. Someone or something

235. has been tampering with our water supply.

236. I'm going to the water storeroom.

237. I've a hunch that whoever or whatever

238. he or she or it is, will be in there.

239. Right, I'll stay here and recuperate as fast as I can.

240. Two, three, four, five. Oh, yeah, I shot Duncan.

241. Hang tight.

242. The reason Reed survives is I only take a tiny sip.

243. There's the line "Thank God, I only took a tiny sip."

244. And if you only take a tiny sip of this you're alright.

245. I know writers who use subtext and they're all cowards, OK?

246. What I was asking in that scene is

247. what if politicians continue to pay doctors peanuts,

248. could they literally turn into monkeys?

249. And no one's asked that before.

250. Water, water, everywhere and not a drop to drink.

251. Coleridge, Samuel T.

252. It was here I found the fiendish fount of this fear.

253. An apeloid miturating, which means urinating,

254. on my erstwhile, which means former, buddy.

255. I had a hunch this guy was the head honcho.

256. Quillababno!

257. I thought I'd lost you back there.

258. You know me, Dag. I'm too busy just stayin' alive.

259. Pull over. Pull over!

260. Shit!

261. Take this!

262. I'm sweating now.

263. If you use antiperspirant it clogs up your pores.

264. If you clog up your pores

265. you're gonna sweat elsewhere - on your tongue,

266. under your ears, on the forehead

267. and if you block all those areas with antiperspirant

268. you're gonna get a breath problem.

269. And that's just... that's fact, that's scientific fact.

270. And if you block up everything you're going to sweat inside and get cancer.

271. That which died in my arms out there should never have walked on God's earth.

272. Agreed. So what was it, Dag?

273. A blasphemy. A demented monkey man,

274. half-formed and hell-bent on dragging us back into the Stone Age.

275. Could you give us an explanation as to why all this happened?

276. He was once a scientist who specialised in human evolution

277. and had worked hard on it for many years.

278. At some stage during his research, he discovered

279. he was able to access mankind's atavistic tendencies

280. and harness them for his own malevolent schemes.

281. He developed a serum extracted from the gonads of gibbons,

282. which when passed through the balls of chimps at light speed

283. in a special atomic container, could turn men into monkeys.

284. He then set about contaminating our very own water supply

285. so I've had to develop an antidote which is why

286. everyone is now back to normal. Thankfully, he didn't succeed.

287. Well, I think we all saw the beast in us this last week.

288. True enough. But if you boys make another crack

289. about my taking a shit in Dag's car,

290. I'll give you the thick end of the wedge.

291. OK, Liz. No need to go ape.

292. Hey! I thought I told you.

293. She's going bananas!

294. It is funny, it is funny!

295. We laughed to protect ourselves,

296. to mask the awful horror,

297. although I thought what Reed said about Liz going bananas was genuinely witty.

298. Each man must acknowledge his beast,

299. whether through sport or violent films.

300. But a man must not let his beast be his master,

301. otherwise you're no better than Bill Wyman.

302. I called Madeleine Wool Menagerie Wool.

303. I've always been good with words.

304. She was like a zoo in a woman.

305. I don't think anyone will get an animal impersonator like her again.

306. It's so hard to watch this episode

307. knowing she's now missing, presumed dead.

308. With the presumption heavily on dead.

309. I don't think they'll find anything.

310. But then again, she was like a candle in the wind.

311. Unreliable.

312. I was typing and I had this block,

313. and suddenly I heard a voice,

314. "Come here," and it was Madeleine.

315. And she spoke to me and she said,

316. "Garth, that sentence needs a verb."

317. And she was right.

318. And she said, "That's inelegant."

319. And then very quietly she went.

320. And I lit a joss stick...

321. and prayed.

322. I reckon she's probably somewhere in the eastern block. That's my hunch.

323. You think she's still alive then?

324. No, I think she's just buried in the eastern block.

325. If she got a burial.

326. 'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace' is a Garth Marenghi production.

327. In association with Dean Learner.