Garth Marenghi's Darkplace 1x2

Directed by Richard Ayoade

Jonathan Edwards Young as Clive The Temp • Kim Noble as Jim • Matt Green as Chef's Assistant • Stephen Merchant as The Chef

The hospital chef is savagely attacked by a ladle and then a fork. Who or what threw one or both of them? And why are objects flying about of their own accord, attacking innocent civillians and disrupting hospital procedure? Meanwhile Dagless has his own problems with a suspicious-looking temp with an attitude problem.

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1. "Mike starred in disbelief as his hands fell off.

2. From them rose millions of tiny maggots.

3. Maggots?

4. Maggots.

5. Maggots. Maggots. Maggots.

6. Maggots.

7. All over the floor of the Post Office.

8. In Leytonstone.

9. Greetings, friend. I hope you're sitting uncomfortably,

10. be it on your sofa, armchair or bean bag,

11. if that's how you chose to live your life.

12. I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer.

13. You know, everyone has a special talent.

14. Mine is being able to write,

15. produce, direct, act, paint.

16. Other people are good plumbers, that's their gift.

17. When I wrote, directed

18. and starred in 'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace'

19. - back in the 1980 - S the television industry was up kack alley

20. and the inside of my head looked to be its only ticket out.

21. This show could have changed the world

22. if only the station hadn't cancelled it

23. for are-run of 'Who's the Boss?'.

24. But they were scared of my script's radical predictions.

25. I portended that by the year 2040,

26. the world would see its first female mechanic.

27. And, who knows, she might even do a decent job.

28. In any case, I wish her the very best.

29. Still, so much for possibilités,

30. French for possibilities.

31. Tonight, I take no small amount of pleasure

32. in bringing you this forgotten episode of 'Darkplace'

33. along with interviews from myself and my publisher, Dean Learner.

34. A man who was there during its creation and didn't die or offend me.

35. Take this gift, sit back

36. and enjoy what still points the way forward for humanity.

37. Love, loyalty, sacrifice

38. and extra-sensory perceptive telepathic psycho-kinetic powers.

39. Voici, you're welcome.

40. I'm Garth Marenghi,

41. author, dreamweaver, visionary, plus actor.

42. You are about to enter the world of my imagination.

43. You are entering my Darkplace.

44. No, no, no, it's always the same.

45. - Have you ordered chicken? Yes, yes, of course I have.

46. How long you been here?

47. - Three hours. - Three... Jesus.

48. - Try the fish. - The fish is off.

49. How long's it gonna take this so-called chef to cook this chicken?

50. Sorry. I'm not usually this bad tempered. I'm just really peckish.

51. Don't be silly. I should be thanking you for looking after me so well.

52. No problem. I know that first days can be a real pain-in-the-ass.

53. Who's that? He seems to have a special aura around him.

54. That's Dr. Rick Dagless M.D., the world-famous G.P.

55. He's a brilliant, yet troubled man

56. and I'm privileged enough to know him. Here, I'll introduce you.

57. - The doctors want their chicken. - The chicken will be ready in five minutes. Son of a bitch!

58. What's going on with that chicken?

59. Five more minutes!

60. What's going on with this flippin' chicken?

61. The word is it'll be ready in five minutes.

62. I'll believe that when I see it.

63. Tell me about it. Have you met the temp?

64. I've not got time to shoot the shit.

65. Why don't you carry some chicken up to my office when in comes.

66. If it ever comes.

67. Hey! Are you alright?

68. No, I mean, yes. I deserved that.

69. Where's this flippin' chicken?

70. Who said that?

71. Was it you, missy? Get this into your pretty little face, I said five minutes!

72. But nothing. Women like you are the reason this chicken is late in the first place.

73. You'll be lucky if you get any chicken, if you keep up this behaviour.

74. God damn son of a bitch!

75. This is great chicken, getting nothing but flack.

76. "Where's the chicken?" The chicken's ready when I say it's ready.

77. Urgh, Don't even know what I'm cooking I'm so angry.

78. Now, what do I need? What do I need? Tarragon?

79. Maybe. Oregano, never heard of it.

80. Italian seasoning, too vague.

81. Old cloves, yeah. Sage? Yeah, sage, is for pork.

82. Mind you I could do pork tomorrow...

83. Son of a bitch.

84. If I had to call myself anything, and I hate labels,

85. I would probably say I'm an imaginer.

86. I call Garth the Orson Welles of horror.

87. And that's not just because of his weight.

88. He is a titan of terror. I call him that as well.

89. There are rebels and there are innovators.

90. I'm a rebel.

91. I play a rebel brain expert,

92. who's in rebelliance against conventional logic,

93. who's in rebelliance against the world order.

94. The show is about rebelliance.

95. And if that's not being an innovator, then I don't know what is.

96. My name is Dr. Rick Dagless M.D.

97. I hadn't been sleeping lately.

98. Not that the Darkplace lets you get much sleep.

99. The pillows are like cardboard and my duvet's all lumpy.

100. Got the call. Chef down.

101. And no, it can't wait till morning.

102. Poor guy, ladle to the head,

103. and a fork where a fork don't fit.

104. This damned evil place was getting crazier by the day.

105. Morning all. Cheer up, Liz. How's chef?

106. How do you think? The guy's got a fork through his colonel.

107. He's gonna make it, just. But the chicken's off.

108. That's a shame, I was looking forward to the chicken.

109. Gentlemen and Liz, it seems as though we have a mystery attacker in Darkplace.

110. I suggest we split up and search the hospital.

111. Dag, you Sanch and the temp

112. can search all the wards and the basement.

113. Me and Liz'll stay here and search this office.

114. Wait a minute. Me and Sanch are a team.

115. We don't need a third wheel.

116. This temp was a personal recommendation of Won Ton's.

117. He might look like he's just fallen off the back of a turnip truck,

118. but he wouldn't run if his ass was on fire.

119. He goes with you. And that's a deal-breaker.

120. Fine. But if he makes any administrative errors

121. I'll bust his hump. And that's a promise.

122. Look. At least you're not going with Liz.

123. - That's true. - Now get out of here!

124. God, I wish I was hitting the wards with those young bucks

125. but I'm old, tired, spent, busted, rusted,

126. stuck in a mouldy old office

127. with just a moody woman for company.

128. Liz, that bulb's gone again. You couldn't fish out another one from the drawer, could you?

129. All of us have untapped potential.

130. You know, that's what the Garth Marenghi Foundation is all about.

131. Learning to harness psycho-kinetic abilities in under-privileged kids.

132. We've got the full backing of the army.

133. There's already a child down there's who's very intuitive.

134. I've seen Garth bend a fork

135. so he knows what he's talking about.

136. I mean, we all have abilities.

137. I mean, I once learnt how to hypnotise women.

138. But with that power,

139. must come responsibility.

140. Did you attack the chef? Thanks for your time.

141. Did you attack the chef? Thanks for your time.

142. Did you attack the chef? Thanks for your time.

143. I'll say one thing for the guy. He's very thorough.

144. I don't like it. Don't you find it funny

145. this started happening when the temp arrived?

146. - What do you reckon? Android? - It'd make sense.

147. I've not seen him eat or drink since he arrived this morning

148. - and it's 1:00pm now, so. - Right. What should we do?

149. Just keep 'em peeled, we might need to kill him.

150. Uh-huh. Bye.

151. Good gravy. A small bunch of objects

152. are flying of their own accord in E wing.

153. And apparently, more objects are heading this way!

154. Goodbye.

155. Flying objects? It beggars belief.

156. Well, we've asked everyone in the hospital

157. if they are the mystery attacker and they've all said no.

158. And so that's why we're searching the hospital basement? - Exactly.

159. Dead, Dag. We're too late,

160. looks like our man's struck again.

161. No, Sanch, this ain't a fresh kill.

162. In fact, it don't look like a kill at all.

163. Guy probably came down, got lost, went mad,

164. ate his hands and died right here.

165. Come on, there's nothing we can do for him now.

166. Keep close. These tunnels are really long and curvy.

167. Hug the wall.

168. - Aaagh!

169. - What is it? - Cordless iron.

170. Friggin' smarts as well.

171. Of course.

172. That's why these attacks are mysterious.

173. They're not conventional attacks.

174. What is it?

175. I've got two words for you, Sanch.

176. Telly kinesis.

177. Telly ker-what?

178. Telekinesis. Someone or something

179. is propelling objects around this hospital.

180. But who, and why, and for what reason?

181. I don't know yet. People do develop telekinetic abilities in some rare cases.

182. Often the subject feels angry or unappreciated. How you two doing up there?

183. I'm fine, but I've having to tread on egg shells vis-à-vis Liz.

184. She's got a face like the proverbial.

185. I think it's her time.

186. Well, tell her, if I felt sorry for myself five days every month,

187. this hospital would up the creek. Sans paddle.

188. Tell me about it. No one gave me any time off

189. when I had troubles in a similar area.

190. I mean she's a right royal pain in the butt.

191. - Ah! - Reed?

192. - It's the phone! - Reed!

193. What? Dag! Hello?

194. LP519 this is Dagless. I repeat, this is Dagless.

195. It's ringing.

196. Christ! Look at the knives!

197. Cutlery all over the shop!

198. Everything bar the kitchen sink.

199. Oh, my God, the kitchen sink and all!

200. Jesus.

201. I can't hold these plates off much longer, Liz!

202. Why don't you help, instead of just standing there dreaming about lipstick?

203. Holy cow. It's you, isn't it? You're doing this.

204. I just hope Dagless makes it up here in time.

205. - Split up! Split up!

206. See you soon, Dag!

207. Liz, I want you to be calm.

208. No, Liz!

209. No!

210. Reed?

211. Jim. In here. Quick.

212. Tell Dag it's Liz.

213. OK, I'll get help.

214. And hurry!

215. Ahh!

216. Get me Dr. Rick Dagless.

217. Ahh!

218. No!

219. You again, you bastard.

220. What the...

221. Damn thing's come alive!

222. Suck on that!

223. - Whoa!

224. Filing cabinet.

225. In times of conflict,

226. when you're up against an aggressor,

227. be he human, be he inhuman.

228. Who e'er he be, often he's both,

229. you're running on adrenaline.

230. And that is what you have to capture in the mise-en-scène

231. And then you add to that the supernatural element.

232. An eagle eyed viewer might be able to see the wires.

233. A pedant might be able to see the wires

234. but I think if you're looking at the wires you're ignoring the story.

235. If you go to a puppet show you can see the wires

236. but it's about the puppets, it's not about the string.

237. If you go to a Punch and Judy show and you're only watching the wires, you're a freak.

238. Yeah, it's me, Dag. I'm in a dead end.

239. I've been cornered by some cutlery.

240. I think I can take them.

241. A whisk, a tin opener, and a spatula.

242. Yeah. I'll take the whisk out first and I'll hold them off as long as I can.

243. Aagh! I'm hit. I'm down. Yep. Got me in the leg.

244. They'll be after you next. Bye.

245. Let's do this.

246. It's just you and me now, kiddo.

247. Hello, Dr. Rick Dagless speaking. How may I help you?

248. Bye. That was Jim.

249. He said that Liz is the source of all this telekinetic activity.

250. She's pinned Reed against the wall of his office

251. and is propelling objects around as a kind of guard outside the room.

252. He also added that I ought to hot-tail it up there right way,

253. which means going back up to where we originally set out from,

254. - which is an irony in itself. You stay here. - But Rick—

255. No buts. You're a good temp.

256. You've got a lot of clerical work ahead of you.

257. Don't blow it all by getting yourself killed.

258. There's a lot of slow motion.

259. The episodes were running up to eight minutes under.

260. The only way to stretch them out was with slow motion.

261. And we tried to keep the slow motion

262. away from the dialogue as much as possible

263. but anything without dialogue was considered for slow motion.

264. I ran the only way I knew how,

265. by placing one leg in front of the other in quick succession.

266. I had to help Reed,

267. trapped in his office by a desk he could no longer trust.

268. I had to help Sanchez,

269. locked in primal struggle twixt man and whisk.

270. I had to help the temp, who was probably doing some filing or data entry.

271. I pressed on chased by a stapler that had my name on it.

272. This was unbelievable, Liz was now turning my own stationery against me.

273. What would she throw at us next?

274. What in God's name is...

275. As I rounded the corner I felt muscular and compact, like corn beef.

276. Irony of irony, all of this paper meant more paperwork.

277. And look at that, I thought in my head,

278. Liz has even struck the kiddie wing.

279. If only someone would set up a foundation

280. to harness kids' psycho kinetic powers.

281. This sorry madam was about to get a double dose

282. of Darkplace Dagless medicine.

283. Liz, hide your shame.

284. Rick!

285. No!

286. I just wanna say, you did a heck of a thing back there.

287. I'm sorry I busted your balls.

288. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

289. - What's your name, son? - Clive.

290. - That's a strange name for an American. - I'm from Bermuda.

291. Oh, that explains it. British principality.

292. - It's actually a dependent territory. - What's that?

293. The Queen appoints a governor charged with internal security and external defence.

294. But she's still the de facto sovereign.

295. We had so much to teach each other.

296. I'm gonna miss you, Clive. I'm gonna miss the banter,

297. which has fizzed from the get go.

298. And, as I say, I'm gonna miss your balls.

299. I...

300. - What? - I...

301. I can't hear you.

302. I was supposed to file this.

303. I'll get Liz to do it first thing.

304. Under the circumstances, it's the least she can do.

305. Don't you dare die.

306. No!

307. - I suppose I owe you all an apology. And, Sanch. - Yes, Liz?

308. - Thanks for the lobotomy. - Not a problem.

309. The procedure to extract psycho-kinetic ability

310. is in its infancy, though surprisingly simple all the same.

311. I guess being told that I couldn't get a chicken supper

312. was the straw that broke this camel's back.

313. It was unprofessional and girlish. It won't happen again.

314. Buns?

315. I've see a couple I fancy.

316. I baked them by way of apology.

317. And so ends a chapter in a book

318. I fear has yet to close. Right, Dag?

319. I just can't believe the temp is dead.

320. It's alright, Rick. We'll get another one.

321. It's not that,

322. I guess I kinda liked the kid.

323. He reminded me a lot of myself at that age. I was wild.

324. - That's true. - Full of ideas.

325. Going knuckle to knuckle with anyone in authority. Real Jimmy Dean.

326. Guess we were two peas punching it out in the same pod.

327. I just hope that when the temp died

328. he realised how much we taught one another.

329. You know, that it weren't just one-way traffic.

330. I'm sure if he'd had any breath left in his body,

331. he'd have used it to thank you.

332. Well, you'd hope.

333. Come on, Dag. What's say I buy us all a drink down The Drip.

334. I'd appreciate that. I could use a drink.

335. As long as it's not a screwdriver.

336. Yes. I'd prefer a beer!

337. Dear me.

338. We'd seen a new side to Liz.

339. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

340. They can get upset at the slightest thing.

341. Whether it be forgetting to acknowledge them in front of one's friends

342. or insisting on splitting a restaurant bill

343. in proportion to the cost of food that was actually ordered

344. by each party even though that's only fair.

345. I'd have to try and change.

346. Tomorrow, I'd tell her she'd lost weight

347. or that her hair looked nice, whichever seemed more plausible.

348. I think what this episode shows above all

349. is that the human spirit cannot be overcome.

350. You know as a writer

351. if you took away my paper I would write on my heart.

352. If you took away my ink I'd write on the wind.

353. It wouldn't be an ideal way to work.

354. 'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace' is a Garth Marengi production.

355. In association with Dean Learner.