1. - Get ready for a "Game Changer."
(upbeat music)
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2. Tonight's guests:
(audience applauds and cheers)
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3. A man who in his time plays many parts,
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4. it's Joey Bland!
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5. A rose by any other name
would not be Ross Bryant!
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6. Born great, achieving greatness,
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7. and having greatness thrust upon him,
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8. it's Blaine Swen!
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9. - Whoa. (laughs)
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10. - And your host, me.
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11. I've been here the whole time.
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12. This is "Game Changer",
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13. the only game show where
the game changes every show.
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14. I am your host, Sam Reich.
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15. I am joined today by these
three lovely contestants.
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16. Now you all understand how the game works.
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17. - No.
- Not exactly.
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18. - That's right.
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19. Our contestants have
no idea what game it is
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20. they're about to play.
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21. Although they might be
tipped off by the fact that
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22. they are the Improvised
Shakespeare Company.
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23. The only way to learn is by playing,
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24. the only way to win is by learning,
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25. and the only way to begin is by beginning.
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26. So without further ado,
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27. let's begin.
(dramatic orchestral music)
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28. Is how I start off every show.
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29. My suit adorned,
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30. my microphone in tow.
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31. I channel spirits of the ancient hosts,
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32. Bob Barker, Regis Philbin,
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33. now but ghosts.
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34. But let us travel further back in time
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35. when theater was as yet in its prime,
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36. the old Globe was the only channel on
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37. and prologues such as this,
Shakespeare's theme song.
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38. This play's about a
game show, one of yore.
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39. This play's within my
game show. Want some more?
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40. Our players must create
this game show play
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41. while playing this, my game show.
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42. Woe is they!
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43. Scene one: a lover, lonely as of yet,
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44. for other lover have they not yet met.
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45. You are a peasant, huddled in the pit,
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46. shoulder to shoulder
with your fellow shit.
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47. The curtains rise, the
actors take the stage.
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48. We humbly present,
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49. "A Game Most Changed."
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50. - Nay, place not comforting balms upon me,
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51. 'tis a thing useless.
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52. And I see an depressed chill
now o'er allows my spirit
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53. and I cannot be plucked up again.
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54. - I hath prescription for this thy malady.
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55. Right tell me, Antonio,
I know thy sickness.
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56. 'Tis love. Nay, not love,
but the absence of it.
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57. For love, a different sickness is
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58. and different prescriptions
to be prescribed.
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59. - Strange sickness when having it not!
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60. It doth make thee ill.
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61. 'Tis that which I would catch
and thus be made well again
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62. and yet I have it not
and being thus cured,
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63. am still in pain.
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64. - And yet Antonio, as a man most married,
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65. I do know the ways of love.
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66. - Oh!
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67. - And now here shall present
thee some path to it.
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68. For if I can say without orating
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69. that I myself a master
of the game of dating.
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70. - Nay, I seek not wisdom
in thy dating history.
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71. I wish not to know thy game
of dating or it's mystery.
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72. Come, I myself, my own path now must plod
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73. and cannot follow where
others thus have trod.
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74. I thank thee, Benvolio, for this advice
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75. and yet, aye, my soul is crushed,
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76. even is in a vice,
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77. that I had seen her
and lost again so soon.
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78. I, who am at the very bottom
of this wheel of fortune.
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79. - Pardon, good sirs! I beseech you.
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80. Can you read?
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81. - Aye.
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82. - Aye. I am literate.
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83. - Here, let us buy a vowel from thee.
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84. - I bid thee if thou art
such a man of letters
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85. and now canst do me a good service
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86. by herein reading these invitations
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87. and telling me to whom
they must be delivered.
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88. For my master, the Duke Orsino,
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89. has charged me to deliver these.
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90. Thus to a great festivity that
he shall hold at his home.
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91. - He has charged thee
yet not proferred thee
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92. with intelligence to read the addresses?
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93. This is a breakdown in
management most dire.
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94. - So it would seem.
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95. - I shall hold off on reading
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96. the salutation of these such invitations
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97. as mentioned by this dumb boy
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98. and instead shall only read
the meat of the matter,
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99. which is to say that Duke Orsino
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100. holds a fête this afternoon.
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101. Into early evening, it shall go.
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102. Definitely a daytime show.
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103. He speaks of a night of
favor and a night of love.
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104. And mayhap this invitation
fallen into our hands of late
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105. shall be thus an opportunity for you
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106. to procure yourself of
what illness thou hast
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107. and to assume the illness thou most wants.
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108. This is thy infection.
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109. - And yet is the invitation, is it to you?
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110. - So it is.
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111. - Then what great
fortune is smiled upon me
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112. for I have delivered this
unto the right person.
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113. He did send me blindly into any direction
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114. and bid all to come find
some love connection.
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115. - Well met, idiot boy!
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116. - I think not that I
shall find I a lover there
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117. with some zeal, but I
shall follow Benvolio.
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118. Let us make a deal.
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119. - Then a deal is made.
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120. A deal made of most.
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121. Thou shall play the game tonight
and I shall play thy host.
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122. - I can't believe you're
the one the letter was for.
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123. (Sam cackling)
- It's really amazing, isn't it?
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124. - Yes, what a coincidence.
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125. - There's my name right
there, Benvolio and Antonio.
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126. - Tonight I shall sleep
soundly in my jammies
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127. for my master shall present
upon my head no whammies.
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128. (boisterous laughter)
- Oh yeah.
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129. - Yes, yes and yes!
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130. My players, whatever
you're doing, more of that.
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131. The stage has thus been
set with lover one.
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132. Soon lover two's debut shall hath begun.
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133. But if it's points our players want,
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134. material they must mix in the names
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135. of "Breakfast Cereals."
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136. - Hmm!
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137. - Aye, me.
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138. - Lady Portia, wherefore
such tristful sighs
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139. escape forth from out thy beauteous lips?
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140. - Would it were summer,
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141. and yet now does enter on this
day, the coldest of winter.
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142. And so it seems to me the
weather makes many mistakes
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143. to shower upon us these
snowy dear Frosted Flakes.
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144. - That is a point for Blaine.
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145. - But come, if there are
Frosted Flakes about,
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146. let a sunny disposition
reign within thy heart
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147. to banish off the cold that
would beset thy spirit.
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148. Dost not thy father throw
a fête this very day?
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149. A mid-afternoon party,
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150. not quite a brunch or a late night jam
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151. that thou shallst enjoy?
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152. - How I would enjoy a lover's lunch.
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153. Oh, how I would have a
Captain me to Crunch.
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154. - That's a point for Blaine. (laughs)
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155. - But I tell thee, my heart.
- To crunch?
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156. - Do seek not young Portia
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157. for so rough a thing as crunching.
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158. - Ooh, I wanna be crunched.
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159. - Nay, in this crunching thy
heart should find defeat.
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160. Rather be gentler with thy spirit
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161. and seek a smoother Cream of Wheat.
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162. - That's a point for Ross.
(bell dings)
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163. - Daughter, my.
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164. - Most noble Duke.
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165. - Yes Nurse, well met.
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166. Daughter I dully this fête, this eve,
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167. is not simply just for
thee to enjoy dancing,
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168. but indeed tonight you shall find a mate.
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169. Yay, and a Count I have
brought to make you his wife
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170. and you shall live with him
forever for your entire Life.
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171. - A Count?
(bell dings)
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172. - Can it be that the famed Count Chocula
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173. comes this very eve?
(bell dings)
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174. - He is here this eve.
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175. The man a reputation has as a monster,
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176. but trust me,
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177. the county of Chocula is
a rich and boonful place.
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178. Glance not upon the man.
He is not well to look at.
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179. To hear him is not well either.
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180. See the man by his fortune,
judge him by his clothes.
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181. See him not, hear him not.
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182. Instead follow your nose.
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183. - It is well known Count
Chocula is of an ill temper,
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184. an ill demeanor, and
altogether cruel and foul.
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185. An all good part and merriment he lacks.
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186. He shall not shower upon my
face gentle Honey Smacks.
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187. - Daughter, he shall!
(gasps dramatically)
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188. - Aye, lady, listen to thy Pops.
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189. - We play not games nor Trix.
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190. (bell dings)
Do what I did,
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191. for I tell thee tricks are for kids.
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192. No longer a kid thou art,
a woman thou shalt be.
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193. And so now you must
become more chocolatey.
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194. - You must listen to thy father, lady.
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195. Here in our realm his power is Total.
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196. - That's a point for Ross!
(bell dings)
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197. - I shall do what thou dost wish.
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198. Behave in thy special way.
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199. I shall give him gentle
kiss, a special, Special K.
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200. But I tell thee, father, though
me thou dost stand above,
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201. I cannot promise that to this
Count I shall give my love.
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202. - 'Tis not necessary.
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203. Nay, but instead thy
obedience is most assured.
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204. Now Nurse, I proffered to you earlier
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205. a bangle of special memories
to give to my daughter.
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206. There's a moon and a star,
a rainbow, a balloon.
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207. Sometimes special edition ones come along.
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208. - Aye, this family ornament
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209. that thou shouldst never come to harm.
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210. - Here now I wear around my neck these-
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211. - Lucky Charms.
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212. - I mean, I guess I have no choice
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213. but to say a point for all three.
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214. - Come, there is some
joy to be found in love.
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215. - Come, there is some
joy to be found in love.
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216. Like when thou goes unto,
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217. to go I unto the cornucopia of
amour to eat its many fruits.
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218. to go I unto the cornucopia of
amour to eat its many fruits.
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219. Come, find joy in love,
whensoever thou art married.
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220. It shall not be but one
repast thou shall think,
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221. "Oops. All Berries!"
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222. - Yeah, okay fine. (laughs)
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223. (bell dings)
- Kind of a stretch?
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224. - I shall see thee tonight at
the fête, but now I must go.
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225. Cheerio.
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226. - Oh wow. Yeah, absolutely.
(bell dings)
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227. - Oh wretched nurse!
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228. Oh more wretched me that this
now Count Chocula, I must see.
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229. Oh more wretched me that this
now Count Chocula, I must see.
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230. - Aye, you must bear his arms
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231. and to greater bear his suit,
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232. oh gentle monster of thy
father this dire Fruit Brute.
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233. - Whoa! Discontinued.
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234. - Was that a cereal?
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235. - Yes!
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236. - I didn't even know that one!
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237. - And if this causes butterflies
to light upon thy tummy,
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238. take it up with thy mother
thy delicious Yummy Mummy.
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239. - Oh my gosh. (laughs)
(bell dings)
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240. - These are Count Chocula's friends.
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241. - He shall have no love of me.
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242. No soprano, only treble,
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243. for I shall never touch his Wheaties
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244. or know his Fruity Pebbles.
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245. - Oh! Two points. (laughs)
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246. (bell dings)
- You speak this in youth,
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247. knowing not the pricks
of age's wounds and cuts.
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248. You spurn his Fruity Pebbles
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249. but you shall give thee his Grape Nuts.
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250. - I know not the pricks of age.
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251. I know not such pain either.
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252. But I tell thee though I
know no pricks like this,
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253. I shall not know his either.
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254. - 'Tis well, lady.
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255. Thou shouldst not love
in obedience merely.
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256. - What am I gonna do then?
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257. - Thou must unto this fête go,
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258. but mayhap at this party,
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259. some other companion
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260. to thee it shall show.
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261. - So then I shall place a
crown upon a lover's head.
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262. For one night I shall not have breakfast,
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263. but I shall have lunch instead.
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264. - Aye.
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265. - With lover one and lover two made known,
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266. Shakespeare dictates
a rival next be shown.
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267. Our players will earn
points for saying subtly
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268. the names
(bell dings)
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269. of some "Fortune 500 Companies."
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270. - Bleh!
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271. From distant land of Chocula,
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272. across the Carpathians have I come,
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273. here to Verona to take to
myself this special fruit
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274. here to Verona to take to
myself this special fruit
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275. to pluck from off this tree, this Apple
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276. of Italy.
(bell dings)
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277. - Must noble Lord of Chocula,
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278. finally branch shall be knitted
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279. through the husbandry of
marriage to your noble house
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280. that heirs may be brought forth
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281. and the noble name of
Chocula can reign forever
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282. in the Transylvanian mountains.
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283. - Yes, Basil.
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284. It is her coffers and her
father's name that I want,
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285. not the girl, this Portia.
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286. I care not for herself, only for thus,
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287. the purse she brings along.
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288. - I think Portia was a point for Joey.
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289. - Was an unexpected point. I'll take it.
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290. Hmm.
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291. This purse indeed, which
she can definitely, af-Ford
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292. to give to me,
(bell dings)
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293. I shall take in victory.
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294. Ah, victory. What's the
Greek word for victory?
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295. - Nike?
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296. (bell dings)
- Yes!
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297. - From the frosty realms, I
almost unto the step you come
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298. to finally make your household
great as it deserves to be
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299. rigid, hard, no longer small and delicate.
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300. Strong and hard, not Microsoft.
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301. - Ah, my master! Ah! (laughs)
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302. - Oh, here comes Google.
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303. - Oh with your divining wisdom, Google,
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304. do you see a fortuitous
ending of this marriage?
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305. Come on, Google. I feel lucky. Tell me.
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306. - Here now that fortune
may not be besmirched.
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307. Let Google in his mind
now do a Google search.
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308. - It's so violent.
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309. - It hurts. It hurts every time.
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310. - And says I hath!
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311. - Yahoo!
(bell dings)
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312. - And says I can give thee
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313. if only thou wilt release
the curse you have on me
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314. and one sigh at last, Google is free.
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315. I won't have to crawl on that or Disney.
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316. - Then we have a deal. Now speak.
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317. Let the words of thy mouth
and my ear now be United.
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318. - No more gasping expirations.
Enough with this GE.
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319. - Oh, oh then here let
me give one last gasp,
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320. one last breath,
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321. and tell you to beware
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322. this fête shall end in death.
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323. - It's pretty vague.
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324. - Yes!
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325. - Release me!
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326. - I made the deal. I made the deal.
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327. Then you are released.
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328. Take back what form you once had.
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329. - Disney is straight again.
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330. This is straight out of Disney.
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331. At last I returned to my mermaid form.
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332. - Yes. It was a mermaid.
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333. - I was a mermaid when I was
caught at sea many years ago.
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334. Cursed by this wretched Count Chocula.
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335. But now, now I'm,
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336. now I'm, I'm...
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337. Could somebody take me to the ocean?
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338. - Sorry, we are inland in Verona.
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339. - Pretty landlocked.
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340. - We couldn't get the Visa needed
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341. (bell dings)
for ocean travel.
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342. - I shall tell you more!
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343. I shall give you all devotion,
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344. if only you will promise
to take me to the ocean.
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345. - Yes. A second deal, a
corollary to the first.
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346. You told me once that someone will die.
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347. If you can make your charge specific,
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348. I shall throw thee in the
Atlantic or mayhap Pacific.
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349. - Then here take me to the
sea and set me on the brink
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350. for there is love at this fête,
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351. but not with the one you think.
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352. - Oh!
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353. I know who I do think I shall
love and she shall love me.
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354. I have drawn my bow, knocked arrow,
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355. and have it aimed clearly at a Target.
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356. Is this arrow to go astray
and hit a different one?
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357. - It matters not so long
as you find love, my lord.
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358. It is worth the Chase.
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359. (bell dings)
Then go.
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360. I shall do what is within my power
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361. to bring this mermaid
back to the Adriatic.
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362. - Then come, gentle sir,
giver of all good luck.
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363. Let me frolic among the seahorse
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364. and underneath the Starbuck.
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365. - Go forth into the oceans and rivers
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366. where e're you chance upon,
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367. be it Atlantic, Pacific, Nile or Amazon.
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368. - So I shall go and I shall do my job.
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369. Me, Basil, last name Charles Schwab.
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370. - Point for Ross.
(bell dings)
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371. And we will end that scene.
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372. It seems to me time for a comic break,
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373. the form of silly Cockneys shall it take.
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374. And if my troupe is
brave enough to try it,
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375. they shall earn points by blending in
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376. (bell dings)
"Fad Diets."
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377. - 'Allo, blokes.
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378. We been 'ired to play the fête
at a Duke Orsino this night.
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379. - I shall have a gig. Is it even so?
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380. - It is so, Atkins.
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381. - You mean to tell me, Keto,
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382. that our musical stylin'
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383. shall be heard by the Duke Orsino himself?
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384. - Aye, indeed, he shall hear our styles
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385. that have been known from ages of yore.
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386. Even in the Paleo era,
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387. was our musical styling known.
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388. - Oh well.
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389. It has been some time since
I have tuned my instrument.
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390. For it has been some time
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391. since we have been called
upon to have a gig.
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392. Indeed, I do not know if
my tones shall be lasting
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393. for between gig to gig, there
was some Intermittent Fasting.
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394. - That's a point for Blaine. (bell dings)
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395. - So let thy fast end now, Atkins.
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396. Let us practice a bit,
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397. give our voice to its mellifluous tones.
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398. Not the harsher tones
we have, only smoothies.
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399. - I really admire the effort.
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400. - Only smoothies.
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401. - All smoothies!
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402. - No harsh tones.
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403. - No harsh ones!
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404. - Only smoothies.
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405. - Only smoothies.
- Wait!
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406. - What?
- Watchers!
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407. - Say, it should be in privacy. Nay, nay.
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408. - We're here.
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409. - The caravan passes.
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410. - I feel eyes upon me now.
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411. The watchers are in the darkness.
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412. - They who would judge
us from the shadows, aye,
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413. and so grimly be counting points.
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414. - My God, men!
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415. I will cut this scene off there.
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416. Pray tell, what's next?
(dramatic music)
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417. Our worlds, they collide.
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418. The theme of game show is at last applied.
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419. Our players must wrong
rights or else right wrongs
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420. while listing off the names
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421. of "'90s Songs."
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422. - All here, it's daytime
fête, do indeed make merry.
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423. And yet it is a burden too great
for my weary soul to carry.
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424. Aye, there is music
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425. if the eyes and ears are tuned to hear it.
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426. And other senses as well,
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427. for in here t'even
"Smells Like Teen Spirit."
Copy !req
428. - Aye, so it is.
Copy !req
429. Take evidence from this music.
Copy !req
430. Love is not to be charmed
by posy and verse.
Copy !req
431. It's not what thou sayest
but the other elements,
Copy !req
432. the smells and also these
sounds that thou now has heard.
Copy !req
433. Know that love is indeed
"More than Words."
Copy !req
434. - I thank thee, Benvolio,
for reaching out to me
Copy !req
435. and tending to my heart, "My Emotions",
Copy !req
436. most laboriously.
(bell dings)
Copy !req
437. I know as a friend I'm kind of a lot.
Copy !req
438. - 'Tis well for I know that
Copy !req
439. no matter what slogs we do perform now
Copy !req
440. that the night shall end 'neath a steeple,
Copy !req
441. taking vows in thy happiness
amidst "Shiny Happy People".
Copy !req
442. - Aye, oh me. It is the second
time I have dropped my drink.
Copy !req
443. Oh, what a stumbly sin.
Copy !req
444. Aye, dear Portia.
Copy !req
445. "Oops, I Did It Again."
Copy !req
446. - I shall absent myself,
Copy !req
447. for indeed I see the charms
of the night take place
Copy !req
448. without Benvolio's pandering.
Copy !req
449. Look at her, look how she holds herself.
Copy !req
450. Behold as the moon eclipsed off of her,
Copy !req
451. I tell thee, get her another cup.
Copy !req
452. This is an opportunity
for love, "Straight Up."
Copy !req
453. - Was that a song, Joey?
Copy !req
454. - Paula Abdul's, "Straight Up!"
Copy !req
455. Do not be cold-hearted!
Copy !req
456. She can be forever your
girl. Opposites attract.
Copy !req
457. - Thy glass, lady. Upon the
floor, its glinting I did see.
Copy !req
458. Indeed this glass almost
did "Crash Into Me."
Copy !req
459. - Who is this gentle? My
heart does not understand.
Copy !req
460. I look and see his "Body is a Wonderland."
Copy !req
461. He does bear himself gently
and without much fuss
Copy !req
462. and his answer to me the query,
"What if God was One of Us?"
Copy !req
463. - Who indeed is such a maid
set here for all to see?
Copy !req
464. - Who indeed is such a maid
set here for all to see?
Copy !req
465. Such a maiden with a form and
frame that is most "Juicy."
Copy !req
466. Such a maiden with a form and
frame that is most "Juicy."
Copy !req
467. Oh, can I speak?
Copy !req
468. Should I speak to hear some amorous plea?
Copy !req
469. Aye, how can I speak for her
own words "Hypnotize" me.
Copy !req
470. - Sweet good sir.
Copy !req
471. Ere I become a love like
swarmer, tell me thy name.
Copy !req
472. I bid you, be a quick "Informer."
Copy !req
473. - "Don't Speak."
(bell dings)
Copy !req
474. - Point for Ross.
Copy !req
475. - My name is Antonio.
Copy !req
476. But no benison or boon could
be placed upon that name
Copy !req
477. more so than it having it
be spoken by thy mouth.
Copy !req
478. Therefore I take back my words.
Copy !req
479. Do speak.
Copy !req
480. Speak my name and rechristen me anew.
Copy !req
481. - I shall speak my name.
Copy !req
482. And let me not be too toward,
Copy !req
483. as now I say Portia and
I take two steps forward.
Copy !req
484. - That a song?
Copy !req
485. - This is what Joey mentioned earlier.
Copy !req
486. It's a Paula Abdul song.
Copy !req
487. - Doesn't count! Doesn't count!
Copy !req
488. - But I shall take two
steps back in thy arms
Copy !req
489. for the first time in
weeks now feel alive.
Copy !req
490. And hark, musicians! They
play the "Mambo Number Five."
Copy !req
491. - Oh!
Copy !req
492. - Oh this day which
formerly was so crappy,
Copy !req
493. now I "Don't Worry, I Am Just Happy".
Copy !req
494. - We'll give it to him.
(bell dings)
Copy !req
495. - By thy eyes and arms,
Copy !req
496. by thy soul's most shining light,
Copy !req
497. if we carry on till evening,
Copy !req
498. I shall "Die in Thy Arms Tonight."
Copy !req
499. - Let us find a priest this very night
Copy !req
500. and be married now at last.
Copy !req
501. We must do it in haste, good
Antonio, quickly now and fast
Copy !req
502. for my heart forever for you it has grown,
Copy !req
503. for "Today" is the greatest
today I've ever known.
Copy !req
504. - And a point.
(bell dings)
Copy !req
505. - "I Want It That Way."
(bell dings)
Copy !req
506. - Hail! Well met, young ones.
Copy !req
507. - Priest Backstreet! I
thought you were gone.
Copy !req
508. But "Backstreet's Back."
Copy !req
509. (bell dings)
- All right!
Copy !req
510. - Here when I was on the
verge of "Losing My Religion."
Copy !req
511. - Oh and I know who thou are too.
Copy !req
512. Portia, the daughter of the Duke.
Copy !req
513. - Aye.
Copy !req
514. And as I am the daughter of the Duke,
Copy !req
515. here I give you command.
Copy !req
516. Now bind me to this man.
Copy !req
517. Bind together our hand.
Copy !req
518. For I tell thee now upon my very life,
Copy !req
519. I would have him as my husband
Copy !req
520. if he would take me as his wife.
Copy !req
521. - I take thee. I take thee
with a heart most true.
Copy !req
522. And I tell thee plainly,
"And I Will Always Love You."
Copy !req
523. - Hear these vows from me,
aye, for the rest of thy days,
Copy !req
524. for 'tis true that God
works in "Mysterious Ways."
Copy !req
525. Let thy commitment to these vows be yes.
Copy !req
526. Never no nor maybe,
Copy !req
527. lest the frigidness of thy heart
Copy !req
528. turn to "Ice and Iced Babies."
Copy !req
529. - Point. That was a little on the-
Copy !req
530. - "Too Cold." Too cold.
(bell dings)
Copy !req
531. - Oh!
Copy !req
532. - Marriage is between you.
Copy !req
533. Marriage, this is it.
Copy !req
534. Marriage lasting forever.
Copy !req
535. That's "2 Legit.
Copy !req
536. - 2 Quit"
Copy !req
537. - Points for all three. (laughs)
Copy !req
538. - Then you shall be my mister
and I shall be your missus
Copy !req
539. and forever I shall give
you "Butterfly Kisses."
Copy !req
540. - Married after knowing
each other for like,
Copy !req
541. three, four minutes.
Copy !req
542. - I mean, you can't wait.
Copy !req
543. You gotta just, (claps)
Copy !req
544. you gotta do it.
Copy !req
545. - Nay, some do say that fools rush in,
Copy !req
546. then call me foolish.
Copy !req
547. I am bereft of mind.
Copy !req
548. What was Antonio was
here replaced by thee.
Copy !req
549. And I love thy voice's sound
Copy !req
550. and I find myself as you find me,
Copy !req
551. "When I Come Around."
Copy !req
552. - I shall make my exit this.
Copy !req
553. But list carefully thy love must be true.
Copy !req
554. Now I must go find my boy
Copy !req
555. "Jeremy!"
Copy !req
556. - Now we are bound together.
(relaxing music)
Copy !req
557. Soon in body, now in souls.
Copy !req
558. But if we hear my father,
Copy !req
559. know "The Thunder Rolls."
Copy !req
560. - Wait your dad's not into this?
Copy !req
561. - Huh? No, let's go. We gotta go.
Copy !req
562. - Then let us go until the
dawn's most early light.
Copy !req
563. Tomorrow comes to pace,
Copy !req
564. for now we have "Tonight, Tonight!"
(bell dings)
Copy !req
565. - Point for Ross! (laughs)
Copy !req
566. I think we might might've had some 80s
Copy !req
567. and 70s starting there, but you know what?
Copy !req
568. I'll take it.
Copy !req
569. Another scene. I wrote this
down in case the drama peaks.
Copy !req
570. Our characters give chase.
Copy !req
571. The players, should they
want to earn my praises,
Copy !req
572. must integrate a few
Copy !req
573. "Sitcom Catch Phrases."
Copy !req
574. - Blah!
Copy !req
575. Where is this girl
Copy !req
576. that is supposed to be married to me thus?
Copy !req
577. Her father tells me she cannot be found.
Copy !req
578. - I promise thee good, my Lord.
Copy !req
579. As her nurse, I am leading
the search for this lady.
Copy !req
580. - Quickly I must pack and in haste be away
Copy !req
581. that I might love my dear
Antonio for another day.
Copy !req
582. - Come, I see a baleful
and saddened disposition
Copy !req
583. for the loss of this maid.
Copy !req
584. And if thou wouldst unburden thy soul
Copy !req
585. unto a nurse who is used to
being used as a sounding board
Copy !req
586. for such lamentations.
Copy !req
587. Speak, "I'm listening."
Copy !req
588. (gasps dramatically)
- Point for Ross.
Copy !req
589. - You will listen thus to me?
Copy !req
590. None ever does such.
Copy !req
591. Aye, my aspect too often
scares them off like a curse.
Copy !req
592. But you will talk to me.
Copy !req
593. "Whatcha talkin' 'bout," Nurse?
Copy !req
594. - I judge thee not for thy grim aspect,
Copy !req
595. thy sunken cheek, thy high peaked collar,
Copy !req
596. and thy extreme widow's peak.
Copy !req
597. - Aye. This is my aspect.
Copy !req
598. And yet with all power and
masculinity that it carries,
Copy !req
599. I am left alone only.
Copy !req
600. The truth is that Count Chocula is,
Copy !req
601. "wait for it."
(bell dings)
Copy !req
602. Lonely.
Copy !req
603. - Oh I forgot to pack a lunch.
Copy !req
604. Now hunger now my tease, I've
got to pack a lunch quickly.
Copy !req
605. "Anybody got some cheese?"
Copy !req
606. - That'll be a point for Blaine,
Copy !req
607. whose points of reference
are clearly the same as mine.
Copy !req
608. - I am a lonely creature, Nurse,
Copy !req
609. for I have no confidence in myself
Copy !req
610. and do not think I am capable to be loved.
Copy !req
611. - Most noble Count, if
thou art capable of loving
Copy !req
612. then thou art capable of receiving.
Copy !req
613. Thou has shown thyself to
be tender of disposition,
Copy !req
614. for in thy loneliness
Copy !req
615. that thou shows thyself to be sensitive.
Copy !req
616. There is a handsomeness
Copy !req
617. to the crags and plains of thy visage.
Copy !req
618. - Cheese now fetched, I
must return onto my boy.
Copy !req
619. Oh now I am so happy, I
shall do the "dance of joy!"
Copy !req
620. (bell dings)
- That's a point.
Copy !req
621. - But wherefore does thou
enter into this marriage
Copy !req
622. ist for love on this most amorous hour?
Copy !req
623. Or is this merely to unite two families
Copy !req
624. and so you can have "more power?"
Copy !req
625. - And a point for Ross.
(bell dings)
Copy !req
626. - My eyes eclipsed are by those of another
Copy !req
627. to something I did not know.
Copy !req
628. But looking at you, ah, the
mermaid's cause 'tis obvious.
Copy !req
629. "Doh!"
Copy !req
630. (chuckles)
- Sure.
Copy !req
631. - If you truly do spy in me
Copy !req
632. the direction thou wouldst go,
Copy !req
633. if I be worthy of a Count's good love,
Copy !req
634. what can I say but "whoa?"
Copy !req
635. - Let not my lips be here too hasty.
Copy !req
636. But...
Copy !req
637. "Did I do that?"
Copy !req
638. Oh what happiness now comes into me.
Copy !req
639. Ah, my back's straighter, cracks itself.
Copy !req
640. Oh no more marriage to be done
to the Duke Orsino's daughter
Copy !req
641. for I have found true
happiness this night.
Copy !req
642. I am happy for the first time.
Copy !req
643. "Bazinga!"Dyn-o-mite!"
Copy !req
644. - Well, if happiness can
guide two wayward souls
Copy !req
645. to thus be together,
Copy !req
646. then we should perhaps find some way
Copy !req
647. to make our matrimony last forever.
Copy !req
648. There's a priest named Backstreet.
Copy !req
649. - Is that so?
Copy !req
650. He's nearby?
Copy !req
651. - An itinerant padre who
doth wander about our town.
Copy !req
652. - I am not a fan of Backstreet so much,
Copy !req
653. but it seems the two of us are in sync.
Copy !req
654. Let us go there to his monastery,
Copy !req
655. find mayhap he shall marry us both.
Copy !req
656. Though when I see the Duke Orsino,
Copy !req
657. this is very true.
Copy !req
658. Count Chocula's gonna "have
a lot of 'splain' to do."
Copy !req
659. - Is it true what we have heard, my love?
Copy !req
660. Overheard through these walls
Copy !req
661. that love unto Count
Chocula to another calls?
Copy !req
662. - So it seems.
Copy !req
663. If 'tis so, then thy betrothed
aims no longer at thy stead
Copy !req
664. and finds some other beguiling person
Copy !req
665. to catch his eye instead.
Copy !req
666. - Who then indeed?
Copy !req
667. Love betwixt us forever can be brewing,
Copy !req
668. for I have loved you ever since you saw me
Copy !req
669. and said, "How you doin'?"
Copy !req
670. - And
(bell dings)
Copy !req
671. a point for Blaine. (laughs)
Copy !req
672. - Let us go unto my father
and see what he does say.
Copy !req
673. No doubt he shall approve
and give a fatherly-
Copy !req
674. - "Ayy!"
(bell dings)
Copy !req
675. - And a point for both Ross and Blaine.
Copy !req
676. It's closing in.
Copy !req
677. The ending of our play
Copy !req
678. is tragedy or comedy today?
Copy !req
679. But playing still my
game show the same goes,
Copy !req
680. a point for every name
Copy !req
681. of a "Game Show."
Copy !req
682. - Ah!
Copy !req
683. Absented a while thou has been, girl.
Copy !req
684. - Father, here now I have
confession to make unto thee.
Copy !req
685. - Father, here now I have
confession to make unto thee.
Copy !req
686. There is a reason that my
visage thou did not see.
Copy !req
687. For I shall tell thee
Copy !req
688. in this late morning party air,
Copy !req
689. I did find a lover with
whom my life I would share.
Copy !req
690. - Already this day once have I told thee
Copy !req
691. thou shalt marry according to my order,
Copy !req
692. and this singly was enough.
Copy !req
693. But now twice this day you
have abandoned my order!
Copy !req
694. Twice this day you've troubled!
Copy !req
695. Girl, thou art in danger and
now thy "Jeopardy" is doubled.
Copy !req
696. - My father! I tell thee
thou art not being fair!
Copy !req
697. Thou carest only about money
Copy !req
698. and asks, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"
Copy !req
699. (bell dings)
- I do. I do! I wanna be it!
Copy !req
700. - His money shall not last.
Copy !req
701. The love we seek is here,
yearned for and unasked for,
Copy !req
702. and thus it did appear.
Copy !req
703. Let us love what is and
not think on what we did.
Copy !req
704. Build not thy edifice of money,
Copy !req
705. this "$25,000 Pyramid."
Copy !req
706. - I shall heed thee no longer!
Copy !req
707. And thy words, I give no care.
Copy !req
708. If thou wouldst bid me do what thou wants,
Copy !req
709. fight me I "Double Dare."
Copy !req
710. - I shall not fight mine own daughter.
Copy !req
711. - Then thy daughter shall fight you!
Copy !req
712. - Huh? Is it so, girl?
- Yes. Oh yes.
Copy !req
713. - You shall stab thine own father?
Copy !req
714. Such threats you should make.
Copy !req
715. I was here ready to give mercy to this man
Copy !req
716. who hath bewitched thee.
Copy !req
717. A choice I make for thee.
Copy !req
718. Banishment or death.
Copy !req
719. Exit thyself from out of Verona.
Copy !req
720. Thou shalt be alive. You shall be real.
Copy !req
721. That is the question then.
Copy !req
722. Death or exile? "Deal or No Deal?"
Copy !req
723. (bell dings)
- One point.
Copy !req
724. - Thou shouldst then come to some accord.
Copy !req
725. But this would be a flaw.
Copy !req
726. Where is victory in this
"Win, Lose or Draw?"
Copy !req
727. - Come now, Father, thou
hast made a mistake.
Copy !req
728. Let me take my sword and
ask of you, "Is It Cake?"
Copy !req
729. - If this is not in your
instrument sweet, your grace,
Copy !req
730. nay, we have been married
this day by Padre Backstreet,
Copy !req
731. a lurking and hidden priest,
Copy !req
732. a "Legend of the Hidden Temple."
Copy !req
733. And we now in secret marriage
Copy !req
734. have made this compact
before the eyes of God.
Copy !req
735. Our love is true.
Copy !req
736. - And so is ours! So is ours.
Copy !req
737. I shall give thee what coins thou wish
Copy !req
738. as long as you hurt the not the girl.
Copy !req
739. For I this day have found
love, but not with her.
Copy !req
740. I know I have done something
that could be seemed rude.
Copy !req
741. I have betrayed you
Copy !req
742. and also been the cause
of this "Family Feud."
Copy !req
743. - That's a point for Joey.
Copy !req
744. - Aye.
Copy !req
745. In speaking not but sooth,
Copy !req
746. this is what it feels like
thus "To Tell the Truth."
Copy !req
747. (bell dings)
- Aye!
Copy !req
748. I know not what to say.
Copy !req
749. And yet everyone else seems fine.
Copy !req
750. You have naught but words to speak.
Copy !req
751. And to thy father, "What's My Line?"
Copy !req
752. I have been betrayed by a nurse,
Copy !req
753. by a potential son,
Copy !req
754. by this guy I've never even seen before.
Copy !req
755. What's your name?
Copy !req
756. - My name's Antonio.
Copy !req
757. - Great. Antonio.
(Sam laughs and claps)
Copy !req
758. - But worst of all, worst
of all is my daughter.
Copy !req
759. And yet these tears,
Copy !req
760. these tears like some
secret key ope' my heart.
Copy !req
761. Aye, they are a shibboleth unheard.
Copy !req
762. These tears now find the way inside
Copy !req
763. like some magic "Password."
(bell dings)
Copy !req
764. - There is a song in love,
though it sometimes cause pain.
Copy !req
765. It draws us forth from out ourselves
Copy !req
766. when we hear it's blessed strain.
Copy !req
767. - What is it?
Copy !req
768. - If only if thou couldst hear it too
Copy !req
769. and sing it if you hear it.
Copy !req
770. I beg thee, Duke, know the song of love
Copy !req
771. and "Don't Forget the Lyrics."
Copy !req
772. (bell dings)
- Point for Ross.
Copy !req
773. - Aye, nay, this song
is not taught by myself.
Copy !req
774. It comes on me too soon.
Copy !req
775. I know not the song you speak of.
Copy !req
776. "Name That Tune."
Copy !req
777. - Point.
Copy !req
778. - And too name this tune as well,
Copy !req
779. for I would have my wish.
Copy !req
780. I who went to the ocean but doubled back,
Copy !req
781. I want to be married to
this half woman, half fish.
Copy !req
782. - Basil Charles Schwab!
Copy !req
783. - It is I, Basil Charles Schwab!
Copy !req
784. Google and I seek a-
Oh!
Copy !req
785. Do seek marriage here.
Copy !req
786. I too have found love, most
illicit perhaps in some eyes,
Copy !req
787. but most true.
Copy !req
788. - Bless our union, heavenly as it is,
Copy !req
789. feasting on divine fruits and guava.
Copy !req
790. Cast us not into hell
where "The Floor is Lava."
Copy !req
791. - Point!
- So it is.
Copy !req
792. And there I have been burning myself.
Copy !req
793. Let me banish now all
expectations of this day.
Copy !req
794. Send out these commands
from out this place.
Copy !req
795. Love is not to be ordered.
Copy !req
796. Nay, love is to be found in "The Chase."
Copy !req
797. Here let me as thy father, who is truly
Copy !req
798. the Father.
Copy !req
799. Yep, it was me, Father
Backstreet the whole time.
Copy !req
800. Don't ask too many questions.
Copy !req
801. - Wait. What?
Copy !req
802. - Not too many questions.
Copy !req
803. - So what's going on with your dad?
Copy !req
804. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
805. I think maybe Father
Backstreet is really gone
Copy !req
806. and he's not really back.
Copy !req
807. But it was my father in
disguise the whole time.
Copy !req
808. - Sure! Sure. Yes. That
seems about right. Yes.
Copy !req
809. Let us now triple the boons of this day.
Copy !req
810. You already married by me earlier.
Copy !req
811. - Yeah.
Copy !req
812. - You married just a second
ago, probably thereabouts.
Copy !req
813. And these, these unexpected lovers
Copy !req
814. who not even of the same species
Copy !req
815. shall find their way here to love.
Copy !req
816. Three indeed.
Copy !req
817. - I have been too long
gone from the ocean.
Copy !req
818. - No, no. Oh no. (laughs)
Copy !req
819. - My love.
Copy !req
820. - I spoke with prophesying breath.
Copy !req
821. I told you the truth when I did say
Copy !req
822. this day would end in death.
Copy !req
823. Farewell, my love.
Copy !req
824. Know that from death
thy name I shall shout.
Copy !req
825. But for now at last Google
just does "Wipe Out."
Copy !req
826. - I did think there were three
marriages to be had this day,
Copy !req
827. that all would be happy.
Copy !req
828. And yet it is not so.
Copy !req
829. Turns out thus Cupid's arrows come.
Copy !req
830. "Tic,
Copy !req
831. "Tac,
Copy !req
832. "Dough."
Copy !req
833. - Let me put away this sword.
Copy !req
834. Let death no longer be our fate.
Copy !req
835. You shall not be victim
of today's "ElimiDate."
Copy !req
836. - Set aside these burdensome dollars
Copy !req
837. and still more burdensome blame.
Copy !req
838. Set aside all these
conditions and thy crafty
Copy !req
839. "Game of Games."
Copy !req
840. - 'Twould seem that the
lesson we have learned
Copy !req
841. here is a cost that leaves its mark.
Copy !req
842. We have here made bargains
Copy !req
843. and have here found out this night
Copy !req
844. that with love, even
death sometimes comes.
Copy !req
845. For in love-
Copy !req
846. - "The Price is Right."
Copy !req
847. - Points across the board.
Copy !req
848. - Let us gently relieve our stresses
Copy !req
849. by listening to the gentles
you did hire this day
Copy !req
850. to sing our fears and tears away.
Copy !req
851. - Aye.
Copy !req
852. Bring forth these English minstrels
Copy !req
853. and we'll hear their amorous call.
Copy !req
854. And while they sing, we'll sit over here,
Copy !req
855. over by "The Wall."
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856. - Oh, very good.
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857. - My God!
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858. The curtain drops!
(upbeat music)
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859. The peasants are aghast.
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860. The Queen herself stands
up and offers claps.
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861. But one of you showed me a special will.
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862. Ross Bryant, I offer you this prize.
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863. - Oh wow.
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864. - A quill.
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865. - A quill.
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866. - A quill.
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867. - Dang!
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868. - That does it for us here
at "Game Most Changed."
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869. I am Sam Reich, your humble head of stage,
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870. reminding you that
Shakespeare knows no time.
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871. His influence will be here the whole time.
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872. Goodnight.
(audience applauds and cheers)
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