Game Changer 5x5

1. - Get ready for a "Game Changer." (upbeat music)

2. Tonight's guests: (audience applauds and cheers)

3. A man who in his time plays many parts,

4. it's Joey Bland!

5. A rose by any other name would not be Ross Bryant!

6. Born great, achieving greatness,

7. and having greatness thrust upon him,

8. it's Blaine Swen!

9. - Whoa. (laughs)

10. - And your host, me.

11. I've been here the whole time.

12. This is "Game Changer",

13. the only game show where the game changes every show.

14. I am your host, Sam Reich.

15. I am joined today by these three lovely contestants.

16. Now you all understand how the game works.

17. - No. - Not exactly.

18. - That's right.

19. Our contestants have no idea what game it is

20. they're about to play.

21. Although they might be tipped off by the fact that

22. they are the Improvised Shakespeare Company.

23. The only way to learn is by playing,

24. the only way to win is by learning,

25. and the only way to begin is by beginning.

26. So without further ado,

27. let's begin. (dramatic orchestral music)

28. Is how I start off every show.

29. My suit adorned,

30. my microphone in tow.

31. I channel spirits of the ancient hosts,

32. Bob Barker, Regis Philbin,

33. now but ghosts.

34. But let us travel further back in time

35. when theater was as yet in its prime,

36. the old Globe was the only channel on

37. and prologues such as this, Shakespeare's theme song.

38. This play's about a game show, one of yore.

39. This play's within my game show. Want some more?

40. Our players must create this game show play

41. while playing this, my game show.

42. Woe is they!

43. Scene one: a lover, lonely as of yet,

44. for other lover have they not yet met.

45. You are a peasant, huddled in the pit,

46. shoulder to shoulder with your fellow shit.

47. The curtains rise, the actors take the stage.

48. We humbly present,

49. "A Game Most Changed."

50. - Nay, place not comforting balms upon me,

51. 'tis a thing useless.

52. And I see an depressed chill now o'er allows my spirit

53. and I cannot be plucked up again.

54. - I hath prescription for this thy malady.

55. Right tell me, Antonio, I know thy sickness.

56. 'Tis love. Nay, not love, but the absence of it.

57. For love, a different sickness is

58. and different prescriptions to be prescribed.

59. - Strange sickness when having it not!

60. It doth make thee ill.

61. 'Tis that which I would catch and thus be made well again

62. and yet I have it not and being thus cured,

63. am still in pain.

64. - And yet Antonio, as a man most married,

65. I do know the ways of love.

66. - Oh!

67. - And now here shall present thee some path to it.

68. For if I can say without orating

69. that I myself a master of the game of dating.

70. - Nay, I seek not wisdom in thy dating history.

71. I wish not to know thy game of dating or it's mystery.

72. Come, I myself, my own path now must plod

73. and cannot follow where others thus have trod.

74. I thank thee, Benvolio, for this advice

75. and yet, aye, my soul is crushed,

76. even is in a vice,

77. that I had seen her and lost again so soon.

78. I, who am at the very bottom of this wheel of fortune.

79. - Pardon, good sirs! I beseech you.

80. Can you read?

81. - Aye.

82. - Aye. I am literate.

83. - Here, let us buy a vowel from thee.

84. - I bid thee if thou art such a man of letters

85. and now canst do me a good service

86. by herein reading these invitations

87. and telling me to whom they must be delivered.

88. For my master, the Duke Orsino,

89. has charged me to deliver these.

90. Thus to a great festivity that he shall hold at his home.

91. - He has charged thee yet not proferred thee

92. with intelligence to read the addresses?

93. This is a breakdown in management most dire.

94. - So it would seem.

95. - I shall hold off on reading

96. the salutation of these such invitations

97. as mentioned by this dumb boy

98. and instead shall only read the meat of the matter,

99. which is to say that Duke Orsino

100. holds a fête this afternoon.

101. Into early evening, it shall go.

102. Definitely a daytime show.

103. He speaks of a night of favor and a night of love.

104. And mayhap this invitation fallen into our hands of late

105. shall be thus an opportunity for you

106. to procure yourself of what illness thou hast

107. and to assume the illness thou most wants.

108. This is thy infection.

109. - And yet is the invitation, is it to you?

110. - So it is.

111. - Then what great fortune is smiled upon me

112. for I have delivered this unto the right person.

113. He did send me blindly into any direction

114. and bid all to come find some love connection.

115. - Well met, idiot boy!

116. - I think not that I shall find I a lover there

117. with some zeal, but I shall follow Benvolio.

118. Let us make a deal.

119. - Then a deal is made.

120. A deal made of most.

121. Thou shall play the game tonight and I shall play thy host.

122. - I can't believe you're the one the letter was for.

123. (Sam cackling) - It's really amazing, isn't it?

124. - Yes, what a coincidence.

125. - There's my name right there, Benvolio and Antonio.

126. - Tonight I shall sleep soundly in my jammies

127. for my master shall present upon my head no whammies.

128. (boisterous laughter) - Oh yeah.

129. - Yes, yes and yes!

130. My players, whatever you're doing, more of that.

131. The stage has thus been set with lover one.

132. Soon lover two's debut shall hath begun.

133. But if it's points our players want,

134. material they must mix in the names

135. of "Breakfast Cereals."

136. - Hmm!

137. - Aye, me.

138. - Lady Portia, wherefore such tristful sighs

139. escape forth from out thy beauteous lips?

140. - Would it were summer,

141. and yet now does enter on this day, the coldest of winter.

142. And so it seems to me the weather makes many mistakes

143. to shower upon us these snowy dear Frosted Flakes.

144. - That is a point for Blaine.

145. - But come, if there are Frosted Flakes about,

146. let a sunny disposition reign within thy heart

147. to banish off the cold that would beset thy spirit.

148. Dost not thy father throw a fête this very day?

149. A mid-afternoon party,

150. not quite a brunch or a late night jam

151. that thou shallst enjoy?

152. - How I would enjoy a lover's lunch.

153. Oh, how I would have a Captain me to Crunch.

154. - That's a point for Blaine. (laughs)

155. - But I tell thee, my heart. - To crunch?

156. - Do seek not young Portia

157. for so rough a thing as crunching.

158. - Ooh, I wanna be crunched.

159. - Nay, in this crunching thy heart should find defeat.

160. Rather be gentler with thy spirit

161. and seek a smoother Cream of Wheat.

162. - That's a point for Ross. (bell dings)

163. - Daughter, my.

164. - Most noble Duke.

165. - Yes Nurse, well met.

166. Daughter I dully this fête, this eve,

167. is not simply just for thee to enjoy dancing,

168. but indeed tonight you shall find a mate.

169. Yay, and a Count I have brought to make you his wife

170. and you shall live with him forever for your entire Life.

171. - A Count? (bell dings)

172. - Can it be that the famed Count Chocula

173. comes this very eve? (bell dings)

174. - He is here this eve.

175. The man a reputation has as a monster,

176. but trust me,

177. the county of Chocula is a rich and boonful place.

178. Glance not upon the man. He is not well to look at.

179. To hear him is not well either.

180. See the man by his fortune, judge him by his clothes.

181. See him not, hear him not.

182. Instead follow your nose.

183. - It is well known Count Chocula is of an ill temper,

184. an ill demeanor, and altogether cruel and foul.

185. An all good part and merriment he lacks.

186. He shall not shower upon my face gentle Honey Smacks.

187. - Daughter, he shall! (gasps dramatically)

188. - Aye, lady, listen to thy Pops.

189. - We play not games nor Trix.

190. (bell dings) Do what I did,

191. for I tell thee tricks are for kids.

192. No longer a kid thou art, a woman thou shalt be.

193. And so now you must become more chocolatey.

194. - You must listen to thy father, lady.

195. Here in our realm his power is Total.

196. - That's a point for Ross! (bell dings)

197. - I shall do what thou dost wish.

198. Behave in thy special way.

199. I shall give him gentle kiss, a special, Special K.

200. But I tell thee, father, though me thou dost stand above,

201. I cannot promise that to this Count I shall give my love.

202. - 'Tis not necessary.

203. Nay, but instead thy obedience is most assured.

204. Now Nurse, I proffered to you earlier

205. a bangle of special memories to give to my daughter.

206. There's a moon and a star, a rainbow, a balloon.

207. Sometimes special edition ones come along.

208. - Aye, this family ornament

209. that thou shouldst never come to harm.

210. - Here now I wear around my neck these-

211. - Lucky Charms.

212. - I mean, I guess I have no choice

213. but to say a point for all three.

214. - Come, there is some joy to be found in love.

215. - Come, there is some joy to be found in love.

216. Like when thou goes unto,

217. to go I unto the cornucopia of amour to eat its many fruits.

218. to go I unto the cornucopia of amour to eat its many fruits.

219. Come, find joy in love, whensoever thou art married.

220. It shall not be but one repast thou shall think,

221. "Oops. All Berries!"

222. - Yeah, okay fine. (laughs)

223. (bell dings) - Kind of a stretch?

224. - I shall see thee tonight at the fête, but now I must go.

225. Cheerio.

226. - Oh wow. Yeah, absolutely. (bell dings)

227. - Oh wretched nurse!

228. Oh more wretched me that this now Count Chocula, I must see.

229. Oh more wretched me that this now Count Chocula, I must see.

230. - Aye, you must bear his arms

231. and to greater bear his suit,

232. oh gentle monster of thy father this dire Fruit Brute.

233. - Whoa! Discontinued.

234. - Was that a cereal?

235. - Yes!

236. - I didn't even know that one!

237. - And if this causes butterflies to light upon thy tummy,

238. take it up with thy mother thy delicious Yummy Mummy.

239. - Oh my gosh. (laughs) (bell dings)

240. - These are Count Chocula's friends.

241. - He shall have no love of me.

242. No soprano, only treble,

243. for I shall never touch his Wheaties

244. or know his Fruity Pebbles.

245. - Oh! Two points. (laughs)

246. (bell dings) - You speak this in youth,

247. knowing not the pricks of age's wounds and cuts.

248. You spurn his Fruity Pebbles

249. but you shall give thee his Grape Nuts.

250. - I know not the pricks of age.

251. I know not such pain either.

252. But I tell thee though I know no pricks like this,

253. I shall not know his either.

254. - 'Tis well, lady.

255. Thou shouldst not love in obedience merely.

256. - What am I gonna do then?

257. - Thou must unto this fête go,

258. but mayhap at this party,

259. some other companion

260. to thee it shall show.

261. - So then I shall place a crown upon a lover's head.

262. For one night I shall not have breakfast,

263. but I shall have lunch instead.

264. - Aye.

265. - With lover one and lover two made known,

266. Shakespeare dictates a rival next be shown.

267. Our players will earn points for saying subtly

268. the names (bell dings)

269. of some "Fortune 500 Companies."

270. - Bleh!

271. From distant land of Chocula,

272. across the Carpathians have I come,

273. here to Verona to take to myself this special fruit

274. here to Verona to take to myself this special fruit

275. to pluck from off this tree, this Apple

276. of Italy. (bell dings)

277. - Must noble Lord of Chocula,

278. finally branch shall be knitted

279. through the husbandry of marriage to your noble house

280. that heirs may be brought forth

281. and the noble name of Chocula can reign forever

282. in the Transylvanian mountains.

283. - Yes, Basil.

284. It is her coffers and her father's name that I want,

285. not the girl, this Portia.

286. I care not for herself, only for thus,

287. the purse she brings along.

288. - I think Portia was a point for Joey.

289. - Was an unexpected point. I'll take it.

290. Hmm.

291. This purse indeed, which she can definitely, af-Ford

292. to give to me, (bell dings)

293. I shall take in victory.

294. Ah, victory. What's the Greek word for victory?

295. - Nike?

296. (bell dings) - Yes!

297. - From the frosty realms, I almost unto the step you come

298. to finally make your household great as it deserves to be

299. rigid, hard, no longer small and delicate.

300. Strong and hard, not Microsoft.

301. - Ah, my master! Ah! (laughs)

302. - Oh, here comes Google.

303. - Oh with your divining wisdom, Google,

304. do you see a fortuitous ending of this marriage?

305. Come on, Google. I feel lucky. Tell me.

306. - Here now that fortune may not be besmirched.

307. Let Google in his mind now do a Google search.

308. - It's so violent.

309. - It hurts. It hurts every time.

310. - And says I hath!

311. - Yahoo! (bell dings)

312. - And says I can give thee

313. if only thou wilt release the curse you have on me

314. and one sigh at last, Google is free.

315. I won't have to crawl on that or Disney.

316. - Then we have a deal. Now speak.

317. Let the words of thy mouth and my ear now be United.

318. - No more gasping expirations. Enough with this GE.

319. - Oh, oh then here let me give one last gasp,

320. one last breath,

321. and tell you to beware

322. this fête shall end in death.

323. - It's pretty vague.

324. - Yes!

325. - Release me!

326. - I made the deal. I made the deal.

327. Then you are released.

328. Take back what form you once had.

329. - Disney is straight again.

330. This is straight out of Disney.

331. At last I returned to my mermaid form.

332. - Yes. It was a mermaid.

333. - I was a mermaid when I was caught at sea many years ago.

334. Cursed by this wretched Count Chocula.

335. But now, now I'm,

336. now I'm, I'm...

337. Could somebody take me to the ocean?

338. - Sorry, we are inland in Verona.

339. - Pretty landlocked.

340. - We couldn't get the Visa needed

341. (bell dings) for ocean travel.

342. - I shall tell you more!

343. I shall give you all devotion,

344. if only you will promise to take me to the ocean.

345. - Yes. A second deal, a corollary to the first.

346. You told me once that someone will die.

347. If you can make your charge specific,

348. I shall throw thee in the Atlantic or mayhap Pacific.

349. - Then here take me to the sea and set me on the brink

350. for there is love at this fête,

351. but not with the one you think.

352. - Oh!

353. I know who I do think I shall love and she shall love me.

354. I have drawn my bow, knocked arrow,

355. and have it aimed clearly at a Target.

356. Is this arrow to go astray and hit a different one?

357. - It matters not so long as you find love, my lord.

358. It is worth the Chase.

359. (bell dings) Then go.

360. I shall do what is within my power

361. to bring this mermaid back to the Adriatic.

362. - Then come, gentle sir, giver of all good luck.

363. Let me frolic among the seahorse

364. and underneath the Starbuck.

365. - Go forth into the oceans and rivers

366. where e're you chance upon,

367. be it Atlantic, Pacific, Nile or Amazon.

368. - So I shall go and I shall do my job.

369. Me, Basil, last name Charles Schwab.

370. - Point for Ross. (bell dings)

371. And we will end that scene.

372. It seems to me time for a comic break,

373. the form of silly Cockneys shall it take.

374. And if my troupe is brave enough to try it,

375. they shall earn points by blending in

376. (bell dings) "Fad Diets."

377. - 'Allo, blokes.

378. We been 'ired to play the fête at a Duke Orsino this night.

379. - I shall have a gig. Is it even so?

380. - It is so, Atkins.

381. - You mean to tell me, Keto,

382. that our musical stylin'

383. shall be heard by the Duke Orsino himself?

384. - Aye, indeed, he shall hear our styles

385. that have been known from ages of yore.

386. Even in the Paleo era,

387. was our musical styling known.

388. - Oh well.

389. It has been some time since I have tuned my instrument.

390. For it has been some time

391. since we have been called upon to have a gig.

392. Indeed, I do not know if my tones shall be lasting

393. for between gig to gig, there was some Intermittent Fasting.

394. - That's a point for Blaine. (bell dings)

395. - So let thy fast end now, Atkins.

396. Let us practice a bit,

397. give our voice to its mellifluous tones.

398. Not the harsher tones we have, only smoothies.

399. - I really admire the effort.

400. - Only smoothies.

401. - All smoothies!

402. - No harsh tones.

403. - No harsh ones!

404. - Only smoothies.

405. - Only smoothies. - Wait!

406. - What? - Watchers!

407. - Say, it should be in privacy. Nay, nay.

408. - We're here.

409. - The caravan passes.

410. - I feel eyes upon me now.

411. The watchers are in the darkness.

412. - They who would judge us from the shadows, aye,

413. and so grimly be counting points.

414. - My God, men!

415. I will cut this scene off there.

416. Pray tell, what's next? (dramatic music)

417. Our worlds, they collide.

418. The theme of game show is at last applied.

419. Our players must wrong rights or else right wrongs

420. while listing off the names

421. of "'90s Songs."

422. - All here, it's daytime fête, do indeed make merry.

423. And yet it is a burden too great for my weary soul to carry.

424. Aye, there is music

425. if the eyes and ears are tuned to hear it.

426. And other senses as well,

427. for in here t'even "Smells Like Teen Spirit."

428. - Aye, so it is.

429. Take evidence from this music.

430. Love is not to be charmed by posy and verse.

431. It's not what thou sayest but the other elements,

432. the smells and also these sounds that thou now has heard.

433. Know that love is indeed "More than Words."

434. - I thank thee, Benvolio, for reaching out to me

435. and tending to my heart, "My Emotions",

436. most laboriously. (bell dings)

437. I know as a friend I'm kind of a lot.

438. - 'Tis well for I know that

439. no matter what slogs we do perform now

440. that the night shall end 'neath a steeple,

441. taking vows in thy happiness amidst "Shiny Happy People".

442. - Aye, oh me. It is the second time I have dropped my drink.

443. Oh, what a stumbly sin.

444. Aye, dear Portia.

445. "Oops, I Did It Again."

446. - I shall absent myself,

447. for indeed I see the charms of the night take place

448. without Benvolio's pandering.

449. Look at her, look how she holds herself.

450. Behold as the moon eclipsed off of her,

451. I tell thee, get her another cup.

452. This is an opportunity for love, "Straight Up."

453. - Was that a song, Joey?

454. - Paula Abdul's, "Straight Up!"

455. Do not be cold-hearted!

456. She can be forever your girl. Opposites attract.

457. - Thy glass, lady. Upon the floor, its glinting I did see.

458. Indeed this glass almost did "Crash Into Me."

459. - Who is this gentle? My heart does not understand.

460. I look and see his "Body is a Wonderland."

461. He does bear himself gently and without much fuss

462. and his answer to me the query, "What if God was One of Us?"

463. - Who indeed is such a maid set here for all to see?

464. - Who indeed is such a maid set here for all to see?

465. Such a maiden with a form and frame that is most "Juicy."

466. Such a maiden with a form and frame that is most "Juicy."

467. Oh, can I speak?

468. Should I speak to hear some amorous plea?

469. Aye, how can I speak for her own words "Hypnotize" me.

470. - Sweet good sir.

471. Ere I become a love like swarmer, tell me thy name.

472. I bid you, be a quick "Informer."

473. - "Don't Speak." (bell dings)

474. - Point for Ross.

475. - My name is Antonio.

476. But no benison or boon could be placed upon that name

477. more so than it having it be spoken by thy mouth.

478. Therefore I take back my words.

479. Do speak.

480. Speak my name and rechristen me anew.

481. - I shall speak my name.

482. And let me not be too toward,

483. as now I say Portia and I take two steps forward.

484. - That a song?

485. - This is what Joey mentioned earlier.

486. It's a Paula Abdul song.

487. - Doesn't count! Doesn't count!

488. - But I shall take two steps back in thy arms

489. for the first time in weeks now feel alive.

490. And hark, musicians! They play the "Mambo Number Five."

491. - Oh!

492. - Oh this day which formerly was so crappy,

493. now I "Don't Worry, I Am Just Happy".

494. - We'll give it to him. (bell dings)

495. - By thy eyes and arms,

496. by thy soul's most shining light,

497. if we carry on till evening,

498. I shall "Die in Thy Arms Tonight."

499. - Let us find a priest this very night

500. and be married now at last.

501. We must do it in haste, good Antonio, quickly now and fast

502. for my heart forever for you it has grown,

503. for "Today" is the greatest today I've ever known.

504. - And a point. (bell dings)

505. - "I Want It That Way." (bell dings)

506. - Hail! Well met, young ones.

507. - Priest Backstreet! I thought you were gone.

508. But "Backstreet's Back."

509. (bell dings) - All right!

510. - Here when I was on the verge of "Losing My Religion."

511. - Oh and I know who thou are too.

512. Portia, the daughter of the Duke.

513. - Aye.

514. And as I am the daughter of the Duke,

515. here I give you command.

516. Now bind me to this man.

517. Bind together our hand.

518. For I tell thee now upon my very life,

519. I would have him as my husband

520. if he would take me as his wife.

521. - I take thee. I take thee with a heart most true.

522. And I tell thee plainly, "And I Will Always Love You."

523. - Hear these vows from me, aye, for the rest of thy days,

524. for 'tis true that God works in "Mysterious Ways."

525. Let thy commitment to these vows be yes.

526. Never no nor maybe,

527. lest the frigidness of thy heart

528. turn to "Ice and Iced Babies."

529. - Point. That was a little on the-

530. - "Too Cold." Too cold. (bell dings)

531. - Oh!

532. - Marriage is between you.

533. Marriage, this is it.

534. Marriage lasting forever.

535. That's "2 Legit.

536. - 2 Quit"

537. - Points for all three. (laughs)

538. - Then you shall be my mister and I shall be your missus

539. and forever I shall give you "Butterfly Kisses."

540. - Married after knowing each other for like,

541. three, four minutes.

542. - I mean, you can't wait.

543. You gotta just, (claps)

544. you gotta do it.

545. - Nay, some do say that fools rush in,

546. then call me foolish.

547. I am bereft of mind.

548. What was Antonio was here replaced by thee.

549. And I love thy voice's sound

550. and I find myself as you find me,

551. "When I Come Around."

552. - I shall make my exit this.

553. But list carefully thy love must be true.

554. Now I must go find my boy

555. "Jeremy!"

556. - Now we are bound together. (relaxing music)

557. Soon in body, now in souls.

558. But if we hear my father,

559. know "The Thunder Rolls."

560. - Wait your dad's not into this?

561. - Huh? No, let's go. We gotta go.

562. - Then let us go until the dawn's most early light.

563. Tomorrow comes to pace,

564. for now we have "Tonight, Tonight!" (bell dings)

565. - Point for Ross! (laughs)

566. I think we might might've had some 80s

567. and 70s starting there, but you know what?

568. I'll take it.

569. Another scene. I wrote this down in case the drama peaks.

570. Our characters give chase.

571. The players, should they want to earn my praises,

572. must integrate a few

573. "Sitcom Catch Phrases."

574. - Blah!

575. Where is this girl

576. that is supposed to be married to me thus?

577. Her father tells me she cannot be found.

578. - I promise thee good, my Lord.

579. As her nurse, I am leading the search for this lady.

580. - Quickly I must pack and in haste be away

581. that I might love my dear Antonio for another day.

582. - Come, I see a baleful and saddened disposition

583. for the loss of this maid.

584. And if thou wouldst unburden thy soul

585. unto a nurse who is used to being used as a sounding board

586. for such lamentations.

587. Speak, "I'm listening."

588. (gasps dramatically) - Point for Ross.

589. - You will listen thus to me?

590. None ever does such.

591. Aye, my aspect too often scares them off like a curse.

592. But you will talk to me.

593. "Whatcha talkin' 'bout," Nurse?

594. - I judge thee not for thy grim aspect,

595. thy sunken cheek, thy high peaked collar,

596. and thy extreme widow's peak.

597. - Aye. This is my aspect.

598. And yet with all power and masculinity that it carries,

599. I am left alone only.

600. The truth is that Count Chocula is,

601. "wait for it." (bell dings)

602. Lonely.

603. - Oh I forgot to pack a lunch.

604. Now hunger now my tease, I've got to pack a lunch quickly.

605. "Anybody got some cheese?"

606. - That'll be a point for Blaine,

607. whose points of reference are clearly the same as mine.

608. - I am a lonely creature, Nurse,

609. for I have no confidence in myself

610. and do not think I am capable to be loved.

611. - Most noble Count, if thou art capable of loving

612. then thou art capable of receiving.

613. Thou has shown thyself to be tender of disposition,

614. for in thy loneliness

615. that thou shows thyself to be sensitive.

616. There is a handsomeness

617. to the crags and plains of thy visage.

618. - Cheese now fetched, I must return onto my boy.

619. Oh now I am so happy, I shall do the "dance of joy!"

620. (bell dings) - That's a point.

621. - But wherefore does thou enter into this marriage

622. ist for love on this most amorous hour?

623. Or is this merely to unite two families

624. and so you can have "more power?"

625. - And a point for Ross. (bell dings)

626. - My eyes eclipsed are by those of another

627. to something I did not know.

628. But looking at you, ah, the mermaid's cause 'tis obvious.

629. "Doh!"

630. (chuckles) - Sure.

631. - If you truly do spy in me

632. the direction thou wouldst go,

633. if I be worthy of a Count's good love,

634. what can I say but "whoa?"

635. - Let not my lips be here too hasty.

636. But...

637. "Did I do that?"

638. Oh what happiness now comes into me.

639. Ah, my back's straighter, cracks itself.

640. Oh no more marriage to be done to the Duke Orsino's daughter

641. for I have found true happiness this night.

642. I am happy for the first time.

643. "Bazinga!"Dyn-o-mite!"

644. - Well, if happiness can guide two wayward souls

645. to thus be together,

646. then we should perhaps find some way

647. to make our matrimony last forever.

648. There's a priest named Backstreet.

649. - Is that so?

650. He's nearby?

651. - An itinerant padre who doth wander about our town.

652. - I am not a fan of Backstreet so much,

653. but it seems the two of us are in sync.

654. Let us go there to his monastery,

655. find mayhap he shall marry us both.

656. Though when I see the Duke Orsino,

657. this is very true.

658. Count Chocula's gonna "have a lot of 'splain' to do."

659. - Is it true what we have heard, my love?

660. Overheard through these walls

661. that love unto Count Chocula to another calls?

662. - So it seems.

663. If 'tis so, then thy betrothed aims no longer at thy stead

664. and finds some other beguiling person

665. to catch his eye instead.

666. - Who then indeed?

667. Love betwixt us forever can be brewing,

668. for I have loved you ever since you saw me

669. and said, "How you doin'?"

670. - And (bell dings)

671. a point for Blaine. (laughs)

672. - Let us go unto my father and see what he does say.

673. No doubt he shall approve and give a fatherly-

674. - "Ayy!" (bell dings)

675. - And a point for both Ross and Blaine.

676. It's closing in.

677. The ending of our play

678. is tragedy or comedy today?

679. But playing still my game show the same goes,

680. a point for every name

681. of a "Game Show."

682. - Ah!

683. Absented a while thou has been, girl.

684. - Father, here now I have confession to make unto thee.

685. - Father, here now I have confession to make unto thee.

686. There is a reason that my visage thou did not see.

687. For I shall tell thee

688. in this late morning party air,

689. I did find a lover with whom my life I would share.

690. - Already this day once have I told thee

691. thou shalt marry according to my order,

692. and this singly was enough.

693. But now twice this day you have abandoned my order!

694. Twice this day you've troubled!

695. Girl, thou art in danger and now thy "Jeopardy" is doubled.

696. - My father! I tell thee thou art not being fair!

697. Thou carest only about money

698. and asks, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"

699. (bell dings) - I do. I do! I wanna be it!

700. - His money shall not last.

701. The love we seek is here, yearned for and unasked for,

702. and thus it did appear.

703. Let us love what is and not think on what we did.

704. Build not thy edifice of money,

705. this "$25,000 Pyramid."

706. - I shall heed thee no longer!

707. And thy words, I give no care.

708. If thou wouldst bid me do what thou wants,

709. fight me I "Double Dare."

710. - I shall not fight mine own daughter.

711. - Then thy daughter shall fight you!

712. - Huh? Is it so, girl? - Yes. Oh yes.

713. - You shall stab thine own father?

714. Such threats you should make.

715. I was here ready to give mercy to this man

716. who hath bewitched thee.

717. A choice I make for thee.

718. Banishment or death.

719. Exit thyself from out of Verona.

720. Thou shalt be alive. You shall be real.

721. That is the question then.

722. Death or exile? "Deal or No Deal?"

723. (bell dings) - One point.

724. - Thou shouldst then come to some accord.

725. But this would be a flaw.

726. Where is victory in this "Win, Lose or Draw?"

727. - Come now, Father, thou hast made a mistake.

728. Let me take my sword and ask of you, "Is It Cake?"

729. - If this is not in your instrument sweet, your grace,

730. nay, we have been married this day by Padre Backstreet,

731. a lurking and hidden priest,

732. a "Legend of the Hidden Temple."

733. And we now in secret marriage

734. have made this compact before the eyes of God.

735. Our love is true.

736. - And so is ours! So is ours.

737. I shall give thee what coins thou wish

738. as long as you hurt the not the girl.

739. For I this day have found love, but not with her.

740. I know I have done something that could be seemed rude.

741. I have betrayed you

742. and also been the cause of this "Family Feud."

743. - That's a point for Joey.

744. - Aye.

745. In speaking not but sooth,

746. this is what it feels like thus "To Tell the Truth."

747. (bell dings) - Aye!

748. I know not what to say.

749. And yet everyone else seems fine.

750. You have naught but words to speak.

751. And to thy father, "What's My Line?"

752. I have been betrayed by a nurse,

753. by a potential son,

754. by this guy I've never even seen before.

755. What's your name?

756. - My name's Antonio.

757. - Great. Antonio. (Sam laughs and claps)

758. - But worst of all, worst of all is my daughter.

759. And yet these tears,

760. these tears like some secret key ope' my heart.

761. Aye, they are a shibboleth unheard.

762. These tears now find the way inside

763. like some magic "Password." (bell dings)

764. - There is a song in love, though it sometimes cause pain.

765. It draws us forth from out ourselves

766. when we hear it's blessed strain.

767. - What is it?

768. - If only if thou couldst hear it too

769. and sing it if you hear it.

770. I beg thee, Duke, know the song of love

771. and "Don't Forget the Lyrics."

772. (bell dings) - Point for Ross.

773. - Aye, nay, this song is not taught by myself.

774. It comes on me too soon.

775. I know not the song you speak of.

776. "Name That Tune."

777. - Point.

778. - And too name this tune as well,

779. for I would have my wish.

780. I who went to the ocean but doubled back,

781. I want to be married to this half woman, half fish.

782. - Basil Charles Schwab!

783. - It is I, Basil Charles Schwab!

784. Google and I seek a- Oh!

785. Do seek marriage here.

786. I too have found love, most illicit perhaps in some eyes,

787. but most true.

788. - Bless our union, heavenly as it is,

789. feasting on divine fruits and guava.

790. Cast us not into hell where "The Floor is Lava."

791. - Point! - So it is.

792. And there I have been burning myself.

793. Let me banish now all expectations of this day.

794. Send out these commands from out this place.

795. Love is not to be ordered.

796. Nay, love is to be found in "The Chase."

797. Here let me as thy father, who is truly

798. the Father.

799. Yep, it was me, Father Backstreet the whole time.

800. Don't ask too many questions.

801. - Wait. What?

802. - Not too many questions.

803. - So what's going on with your dad?

804. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

805. I think maybe Father Backstreet is really gone

806. and he's not really back.

807. But it was my father in disguise the whole time.

808. - Sure! Sure. Yes. That seems about right. Yes.

809. Let us now triple the boons of this day.

810. You already married by me earlier.

811. - Yeah.

812. - You married just a second ago, probably thereabouts.

813. And these, these unexpected lovers

814. who not even of the same species

815. shall find their way here to love.

816. Three indeed.

817. - I have been too long gone from the ocean.

818. - No, no. Oh no. (laughs)

819. - My love.

820. - I spoke with prophesying breath.

821. I told you the truth when I did say

822. this day would end in death.

823. Farewell, my love.

824. Know that from death thy name I shall shout.

825. But for now at last Google just does "Wipe Out."

826. - I did think there were three marriages to be had this day,

827. that all would be happy.

828. And yet it is not so.

829. Turns out thus Cupid's arrows come.

830. "Tic,

831. "Tac,

832. "Dough."

833. - Let me put away this sword.

834. Let death no longer be our fate.

835. You shall not be victim of today's "ElimiDate."

836. - Set aside these burdensome dollars

837. and still more burdensome blame.

838. Set aside all these conditions and thy crafty

839. "Game of Games."

840. - 'Twould seem that the lesson we have learned

841. here is a cost that leaves its mark.

842. We have here made bargains

843. and have here found out this night

844. that with love, even death sometimes comes.

845. For in love-

846. - "The Price is Right."

847. - Points across the board.

848. - Let us gently relieve our stresses

849. by listening to the gentles you did hire this day

850. to sing our fears and tears away.

851. - Aye.

852. Bring forth these English minstrels

853. and we'll hear their amorous call.

854. And while they sing, we'll sit over here,

855. over by "The Wall."

856. - Oh, very good.

857. - My God!

858. The curtain drops! (upbeat music)

859. The peasants are aghast.

860. The Queen herself stands up and offers claps.

861. But one of you showed me a special will.

862. Ross Bryant, I offer you this prize.

863. - Oh wow.

864. - A quill.

865. - A quill.

866. - A quill.

867. - Dang!

868. - That does it for us here at "Game Most Changed."

869. I am Sam Reich, your humble head of stage,

870. reminding you that Shakespeare knows no time.

871. His influence will be here the whole time.

872. Goodnight. (audience applauds and cheers)