Future Man 1x5

1. Previously on Future Man...

2. I'm gonna run this through every DNA database

3. in the world.

4. Gonna run every name that dealer gave us.

5. Professor Karofsky, I am, uh, Josh Pastman.

6. There are people who want you dead.

7. That's what's-her-name from Accounting.

8. - I know these people. - Biotics can be anybody.

9. Every Biotic soldier has a bomb implanted.

10. It blows their head so they can't be interrogated.

11. - We need another time machine. - Biotics have time machines.

12. And we already know that they're in the laboratory

13. that you clean, we just have to catch one.

14. Okay.

15. Separating Biotics from humans is not going to be easy.

16. I could go Call of Zion.

17. It'd be messy but it could work.

18. Can you get everyone you work with in one room

19. - that we could flood? - No, I can't.

20. Hm, can't or won't?

21. Both.

22. Guys, the whole point of this was to get a Biotic alive

23. and get it to tell us where its TTD is.

24. Yeah, so we flush them out.

25. Humans are weaker, so they die first.

26. Biotics are left standing.

27. We kill them all, except for one,

28. deactivate its brain bomb, then the torture starts.

29. Isn't there something that we can do

30. that's a little more temporary, like, uh...

31. like a light, non-lethal dosage of poison or something?

32. Well, Biotics, they are immune to poison.

33. We could gas the vents, but I don't know,

34. - it's too risky. - Ingestibles are safer.

35. This place is thick with sewer mushrooms.

36. Couple seconds after eating those,

37. you puke, shit yourself,

38. and pass out with no memory of what happened.

39. Learned that the hard way.

40. - Twice. - I don't know,

41. too many variables, they'd all have to be

42. in the same room at the same time

43. eating the same thing.

44. Kronish Ball.

45. Guys, the Kronish Ball.

46. It's—it's our holiday party,

47. it's coming up this weekend.

48. Everyone gets dressed up.

49. There's an open bar, there's tons of food.

50. And the best part?

51. Kronish gives this big speech at the end

52. and it finishes with everyone eating

53. one of his Kronish balls.

54. They're like little chocolate truffle balls.

55. That is stupid,

56. even for the standards of this time.

57. But the entire company has to be there.

58. So any Biotics that are hiding within the lab

59. have to be there as well.

60. If I can get the recipe for the Kronish balls,

61. do you think that we can make a poisoned version

62. and then just swap it in?

63. It's doable.

64. Wolf, you're the poison guy.

65. What do you know about cooking?

66. Remove the hair, eat the meat.

67. We can work with that.

68. Tiger, you can go in undercover as my date.

69. It's like a companion.

70. - Mate. - Fine, yeah,

71. I'll be your fucking date.

72. We might need some help.

73. I've got to even it out.

74. Yeah, so...

75. Tiger and Corey are part of that job-training program

76. at work where we help the homeless.

77. They really just want to contribute

78. to the party and just try to fit in

79. the best they can.

80. And both were in Afghanistan?

81. Yes, the Taliban messed them up pretty good.

82. So they say a lot of things that are pretty crazy,

83. just try to ignore it.

84. - He's touching the— - Yeah, just—you've got to,

85. - got to ignore it. - Well, don't worry, sweetie.

86. Back in the '80s,

87. when your dad and I spent that summer in the jungle,

88. we saw a woman breastfeed a piglet.

89. - Wow. - Mm-hm.

90. If we can handle that, we can handle these two.

91. I can't thank you guys enough,

92. - I really owe you. - You never owe us anything.

93. Ever.

94. Ooh!

95. I have that same shirt.

96. And pants.

97. - Hey, Dr. Kronish. - Well, if it isn't my savior.

98. You know, it turns out you were quite prophetic

99. about those animal rights activists.

100. Your methods were unorthodox but...

101. appreciated.

102. Yeah, uh, no problem.

103. Hey, I just want to tell you,

104. I'm really excited for the upcoming party

105. and I cannot wait for those Kronish balls.

106. Well, you'll have to roll that excitement back.

107. The balls have been bounced.

108. - What? - They're off the menu.

109. Dr. Camillo scaled the whole party down

110. after I gave away our research

111. and cost the company billions.

112. But the Dr. Kronish that I know

113. would never let somebody push them around like this.

114. I don't know what Dr. Kronish you're referring to.

115. I'm just the face and lips of this organization.

116. Stu is the business brains.

117. He's been on me for years about the party anyway.

118. He thinks the whole idea of toasting with chocolate balls

119. is silly—and it is.

120. I mean, we're not Blapple, known for fun and whimsy.

121. We're curing STDs here.

122. We should act like it, for God's sake.

123. Don't forget to bring cash for the bar.

124. Okay.

125. Now, this ganache truffle

126. that you want to make for the party,

127. that, my friend, is a bit of a tricky dish,

128. even for a skilled chef like myself.

129. So since we don't even have the recipe yet,

130. let's walk before we run.

131. The omelet.

132. Every chef must master it.

133. So, get in there and beat those eggs.

134. Die, egg scum!

135. Egg smash!

136. Your shell is weak!

137. I meant, beat the eggs in a bowl, with this.

138. Hm.

139. The antidote for failure is punishment.

140. Son...

141. I don't know how things work out in the street,

142. but in my kitchen,

143. the only punishment for failure...

144. is a hug.

145. Mm-hm.

146. Hm.

147. Hey!

148. Josh! You're still here.

149. - Why wouldn't I be? - I thought you might have quit.

150. A bunch of people left and didn't even give notice.

151. - Carl... - Carl?

152. - Wow, Carl's gone? - Janis.

153. - Janis? - From Accounting.

154. The girl with the pretty smile?

155. Oh yeah, no, I don't think I ever met her.

156. You also missed a full day

157. of Dr. Camillo yelling at Dr. Kronish

158. in front of everyone.

159. What were you thinking, Elias?

160. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!

161. Dr. Kronish does not deserve that.

162. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid man!

163. Hey.

164. Um, maybe we could try to cheer him up.

165. Do you think you can give me the recipe

166. for the Kronish balls?

167. I'm not sure where you're going with this.

168. Well, they just took them off the menu for the party,

169. and I don't know,

170. thought I could just, like, surprise him,

171. cheer him up.

172. Oh, that's really thoughtful for a dude.

173. You are a real Renaissance janitor.

174. Feel like you could have said "man" there, but I'll take it.

175. I'll see what I can do about the recipe.

176. Thank you.

177. I'll email it to you tomorrow, man.

178. Girl.

179. Woman.

180. Woman.

181. Thanks.

182. Mm.

183. Now that the sauce is properly reduced,

184. correct with salt.

185. Let's just not waste any more gas here.

186. Corey, if you add too much or not enough of something,

187. you won't get the flavor you want.

188. So, too much salt?

189. Cooking is about precision.

190. A precise quantity cooked at a precise temperature

191. for a precise time equals a chemical reaction.

192. A whole new profile of flavors is unleashed!

193. Temperature creates a chemical reaction.

194. Yes.

195. Like making an arctic pulse ray.

196. It uses supercharged Freon to freeze your blood,

197. killing you instantly.

198. Cooking is... like making one of those.

199. What did they do to you over there?

200. Lawsuits... lawsuits pending.

201. Ah ha!

202. Bingo.

203. Okay.

204. Let's see.

205. Okay, Janis.

206. Let's see where the dots connect

207. so I can smoke out the rest of your Biotic powers.

208. Show me all your secrets.

209. - What are you doing? - (exclaims)

210. - Oh, uh— - Why are you going

211. through people's files?

212. Oh, those, yeah—I, uh,

213. you know, I—I didn't get a chance to say goodbye

214. to Carl and Janis before they left,

215. so I wanted to find their addresses

216. and send them a little goodbye card.

217. You didn't even know Janis's name this morning.

218. Well, I knew her trash.

219. To you, she's Janis;

220. to me, she's yogurt cup, banana peel, pretty smile girl.

221. You shouldn't be going through these people's files.

222. It's like a serious invasion of privacy.

223. Oh.

224. I...

225. Wow.

226. Dr. Camillo's emergency contact number is just 9-1-1.

227. Oh no.

228. Nobody loves that guy.

229. He yelled away everybody in his life

230. that could ever love him.

231. "Joshua Sasha Futterman"?

232. It's my grandmother's name,

233. it's sentimental, please give me—

234. Joshua Sasha Futterman, Joshua Sasha Futterman.

235. I know, if we can't read those kind of—

236. Hey, back off, buddy,

237. or else I'm going to rub some tree nuts on you

238. so you get "golf ball size hives and welts."

239. Okay, you know what, let's see what

240. you're allergic to.

241. Uh-oh, do not.

242. Nope, Miss Geri Elizabeth Lange.

243. That's not that—that's not that weird, I guess.

244. Medical conditions.

245. None.

246. Allergies.

247. - None. Damn it! - Are you having fun?

248. All right, how about another sriracheeto

249. while we're at it?

250. - No thank you. - No?

251. - What do you mean, no? - I'm good, that is gross.

252. No, a secret family recipe.

253. Mm, real good.

254. I should—I should probably get going.

255. Mm.

256. Yeah, me too, I got to

257. clean these up and everything.

258. - We could do one more. - One more?

259. - We're here. - We could.

260. We're in it.

261. Let's do it, We could do one more.

262. Hey, hey, hey.

263. I got something for you.

264. What did you do?

265. These are noise cancelling headphones, and look.

266. I put Stu blockers on them, so you don't—

267. The police are here.

268. What?

269. They're looking for a Josh "Pastman."

270. Oh, fuck.

271. Why would you choose such a stupid cover name?

272. Fuck!

273. You gotta be able to find me an employee directory.

274. We don't have any actually.

275. I think I can find you one, though.

276. Okay, I have to get the fuck out of here right now.

277. Why is a cop looking for you?

278. It's complicated, okay?

279. Would you please tell me what's going on?

280. - I can't explain it right now. - Josh, Josh, level with me.

281. Look, okay, I'm mixed up in some things that

282. the cops just can't understand right now, okay?

283. But I swear to you, I did nothing wrong.

284. Can you please help me get out of here?

285. You better be the fun kind of fugitive.

286. Hey.

287. Can I talk to you for a second?

288. I've got it this, thanks.

289. How can I help you, Detective Skaarsgard?

290. Earlier, you failed to mention

291. that a Josh Futterman works here.

292. You asked about a Josh Pastman.

293. Oh, yeah, now I see it.

294. Two days ago, there was a shootout at a meth lab

295. down on Seventh.

296. Five wounded, critically.

297. Whoa.

298. Hm.

299. Man I'm looking for might have something to do with it.

300. He, uh, might also have something to do

301. with a cop killing in 1969.

302. That cop?

303. My partner, Jorge Santiago.

304. He left a widow, belly swollen with child.

305. The fuck do you people do here?

306. Science.

307. - Okay. - Okay.

308. I'm going to ask you again.

309. Where is Josh Futterman?

310. I don't know.

311. But I can tell you this:

312. Josh couldn't be involved

313. 'cause he wasn't alive in the '60s.

314. And he's kind of dopey and charming, you know, like...

315. but harmless.

316. Like, not in an unattractive way.

317. I used to know a guy a lot like that.

318. My partner, Jorge Santiago.

319. Tell your lover boy to give me a call.

320. - (door slams) - Oof!

321. There was a towel bin?

322. How is something so stupid so hard?

323. Weight on your toe, not on your heel.

324. And whatever you do, don't look down.

325. I don't know why you would wear something

326. if they compromise your ability to move.

327. Well, they tighten your tushie.

328. - What? - Your butt.

329. Everything you've been telling me these past two days?

330. Paint my face, wear colorful garb,

331. put on those tiny fucking stilts?

332. You've reduced me to nothing more than a sewer clown.

333. But look, Tiger.

334. When I wear something like this,

335. I feel beautiful,

336. and confident and comfortable.

337. I like the way I look,

338. and I actually do it for myself.

339. I mean, you know, sure, Gabe appreciates it.

340. He calls it "the sex dress."

341. Actually, this is the best way that I have found so far

342. to get him away from those whale documentaries.

343. Why, why is it so distracting?

344. Well, because he's a man,

345. and, I mean, you know how men are.

346. They think with their dicks.

347. You know?

348. I mean, not—not all men.

349. But, uh—no, yeah, it is all men.

350. So this dress can be used to mind-control men?

351. Yeah, and some women.

352. But that's besides the point.

353. Look, if you don't feel comfortable in those,

354. then who cares what anyone thinks?

355. Why are you being so nice to me?

356. What is your fucking endgame, Diane?

357. No, there is no endgame, Tiger.

358. It's 'cause if someone or something

359. is important to Joshie, it's important to me.

360. He is family.

361. Yeah, well, I never had a family.

362. I mean, I had a ward leader, but he was killed

363. trying to steal a sugar cube.

364. I'm so sorry.

365. It was my sugar cube.

366. Well, you have got family all around you here

367. and I am not going to let you fail, okay?

368. I mean, look.

369. If Joshie can learn to walk in heels,

370. so can you.

371. Come on.

372. Yes!

373. My God, what have you done?

374. This is a symphony, each note is perfect.

375. What is that, cardamom?

376. Just a dusting, master.

377. No, no, no, look at this reflection.

378. There's the master.

379. You have speed, skills, but more than that,

380. it's like you have something to say.

381. My mouth is all ears.

382. I like cooking.

383. I've never seen someone come so far so fast.

384. You were meant for this.

385. I've always been a soldier.

386. Life made you a soldier.

387. You were born to be a chef.

388. - Maybe in another life. - No, in this life!

389. You don't have to go back, they don't own you.

390. Do they? I'm not sure how the Army works these days.

391. This was a beautiful dream,

392. but I don't give orders, I take them.

393. As soon as I have that recipe and the mission is complete,

394. it's over.

395. As long as we're still dreaming,

396. how would you like to learn to make a soufflé?

397. Sweet or savory?

398. Guys, guys, we're going to be late.

399. These balls are going to kill.

400. No, but they are going to make people shit themselves.

401. Yeah, with delight!

402. Okay, okay, great.

403. Hey, hey, guys, we— they're loading up the car,

404. we should probably get going.

405. Mom, what did you do to your hair?

406. I just gave it a little Tiger stripe.

407. Great.

408. - Whoa. - Oh, isn't she beautiful?

409. Yeah, shockingly so.

410. Remember, anyone who doesn't puke is a Biotic,

411. so when the fighting starts,

412. you're going to need to take cover.

413. It's hard enough to kill a perf,

414. - let alone take one alive. - Okay.

415. There's Kronish, so play it cool.

416. Your mother also trained me in the art of small talk,

417. - so I got it. - Okay.

418. - Oh, Futterman! - Dr. Kronish!

419. - This party's really something. - It's a fucking joke.

420. Please, Marigold, not now.

421. Give me a drink ticket.

422. You finished your allotment already?

423. Take mine.

424. Uh, Dr. Kronish, this is my date.

425. - Hello. - Tyra Gerheart.

426. Wow, what a party.

427. You look like you've lost a massive amount of weight.

428. If that shake were any heartier,

429. I'd have to call it a maul.

430. I'll be at the bar.

431. Well, the wife is displeased

432. with my gift to the scientific community.

433. I'll be paying for that one for, oh, ever.

434. Okay, well I do have a little something

435. to help cheer you up.

436. It's not a billion dollars,

437. however, I thought that it wouldn't feel

438. like the Kronish Ball without... a Kronish ball!

439. Futterman!

440. I'm touched.

441. - You can't eat that. - (screams)

442. - Can't eat that right now. - Why not?

443. What the...?

444. Here... don't!

445. If you follow me, I have a surprise for you

446. and I can explain everything.

447. Who is this?

448. Oh, I haven't seen a confectioner's dusting

449. like this since my last trip to Belgium!

450. All right, you got the balls,

451. what do you say you give the toast?

452. It's a nice gesture, Futterman.

453. But Stu's on the warpath.

454. A toast with these

455. would be an outright declaration of war.

456. Oh, what do we have here?

457. You guys brainstorming new ways

458. to set piles of money on fire?

459. Oh, hell no.

460. You have got a lot of nerve, Elias.

461. No, no, no, it was me.

462. It was my idea to bring them.

463. Even more nerve!

464. That's for my yacht.

465. That's for the helicopter that was going to land

466. on my yacht!

467. This is for my seat at SpaceX!

468. - First wife! - Okay, okay, okay!

469. Second wife! Mistress, mistress! Jetpack!

470. G5, G7!

471. Michael Jackson's catalogue! Bobby's pre-school!

472. Kids' therapy!

473. (rambling) Album.

474. Well, Dr. Camillo.

475. Fortunately, I have two balls left,

476. which I intend to use right now.

477. Last time I checked,

478. you had 49 percent of the company.

479. You're fired!

480. You wouldn't dare!

481. Now, if you'll excuse me,

482. - I have a toast to give. - No you don't!

483. You need me, Elias!

484. You are nothing without me!

485. I can get you more balls, Dr. Kronish!

486. It's not about the balls, son.

487. Yes it is, it's all about the balls!

488. What kind of monster would do this?

489. Fuck this, back to Plan A, Operation Gas Chamber.

490. Oh, no, no, no, no; guys, the toast is still on.

491. This plan's going to work, all right?

492. Wolf, I need you to make 150 more of these balls

493. right now before Kronish gets up there.

494. You talking about a Quickfire challenge?

495. The quickest.

496. Okay, and Tiger?

497. - I need you to take someone out. - Done.

498. Stop what you're doing!

499. We're making 150 ganache truffles

500. in the next 10 minutes.

501. Those aren't even on the menu, dude.

502. I know some—no, all of you don't want to be here tonight.

503. No shit.

504. You should.

505. Cooking is a privilege.

506. Tonight, I want you to remember your first chop.

507. Your first reduction.

508. Tonight, I want you to be heroes—

509. nay, gods.

510. Better than gods, chefs!

511. So bring me your butter,

512. bring me your Valrhona chocolate,

513. and bring me your...

514. heavy cream.

515. Fuck you, Elias, fuck you, Elias.

516. I'm the king of the microphones!

517. Okay, so that drunk ass over there is Stu Camillo.

518. Can't make a speech without one of these babies!

519. I need you to neutralize him.

520. Copy that.

521. Commencing Operation Whale Documentary.

522. - Fuck you! - What?

523. Somebody is using this shit and it's not me.

524. Hey.

525. Can I, uh, buy you a drink?

526. Geri.

527. Geri.

528. Geri!

529. Your girlfriend's

530. very beautiful.

531. Girlfriend?

532. No, no, no, it's nothing like that,

533. she's not my girlfriend, okay, she's someone

534. that I work with, okay?

535. It's more like a partnership than anything.

536. There's nothing romantic at all.

537. Dude, I just saw you holding her hand.

538. Yeah, but that's not what it looks like.

539. Okay, that woman in there?

540. She's used me.

541. She's endangered my life and to be honest,

542. I don't even think she likes me as a person.

543. With any luck, she's going to be gone soon.

544. Like, really really far away forever.

545. Josh, I don't really know you

546. and you definitely don't know me, so...

547. just let's not, okay?

548. Divine.

549. You know this needs to chill for five hours, right?

550. Leave that to me, Damian.

551. Don't stop stirring!

552. I want a texture of pure velvet!

553. Lurking outside of a bathroom is not a good look.

554. Wait, I do know you.

555. Okay, look, I know that you always cut

556. the plastic soda rings that you have

557. so that way, the fish don't choke.

558. Which is so thoughtful.

559. And I also know that you're really funny,

560. because you always make those doodles

561. of possums probing scientists.

562. Are you looking through my trash?

563. Yes.

564. No.

565. Sort of.

566. But I've learned things.

567. Like, you're really caring.

568. You know, like, you write thank-you notes by hand.

569. No one does that.

570. And you're super, super creative.

571. You take the most boring everyday sandwich wrapper

572. and you make it into an origami masterpiece.

573. I keep all of them.

574. Like the crane, the dragon boat.

575. I'm going to go ahead and stop you.

576. You're walking a razor's edge between creepy and romantic.

577. Which... which way am I leaning?

578. Stop looking through my trash.

579. - Deal. - Okay.

580. Yeah.

581. (utensils clinking glasses) Can I get everyone's attention please?

582. Oh my God.

583. - I can't miss that toast, I can't miss that toast! - Let's give it up for Dr. Kronish.

584. You can't miss the toast?

585. No, I can't!

586. Uh, I'm sorry, I have to—

587. I've got to go.

588. I'll talk to you later!

589. Uh, I didn't think I'd be making this speech tonight.

590. You shouldn't!

591. Ladies and gentlemen, my—my wife, Marigold.

592. The sun is not setting on Kronish Labs.

593. Where are the balls?

594. There's still work to be done.

595. The people who milked possums yesterday

596. will be milking possums tomorrow.

597. You're a hard man to find, Mr. Futterman.

598. Or should I call you Mr. Pastman, hm?

599. If this arctic pulse ray doesn't work,

600. we're all going to die.

601. Shut up.

602. You desire me.

603. Yeah.

604. And your desire for me makes you weak.

605. So weak.

606. The real value of this company

607. is not in its stock price

608. but in its employees.

609. And I've been inspired by someone who has courage

610. and speaks the truth

611. and is as kind and thoughtful

612. as anyone that I've ever met.

613. I didn't shoot any fucking meth dealers!

614. All right, I'm 23 years old.

615. How could I have possibly killed your partner

616. the night of the moon landing?

617. I never said "night of the moon landing."

618. I want you to lick every drop of chocolate

619. off your hands while I watch.

620. So let us one and all

621. raise a ball.

622. Next year, Kronish Labs will go down in herpstory!

623. And...

624. Rich and velvety with light notes of caramel.

625. Mm, yes, isn't that good?

626. Delicious! Ugh. You dog on tasty balls!

627. (Kronish laughs) Merry Christmas to all!

628. All right.

629. What do you want me to lick next?

630. Uh-oh.

631. - You're going to need this. - Hey, my coat!

632. So good.

633. I earned it.

634. Mm, damn.

635. Vengeance isn't the only thing that tastes sweet.

636. Oh, vengeance isn't sitting so well.

637. Uh, Detective, I'm really sorry about all this,

638. and I'm sorry about your partner

639. and his pregnant wife!

640. Belly swollen with child!

641. I'm Icarus!

642. Kenneth, from Payroll!

643. Jim and Donna, from HR?

644. Striking cane block!

645. Crystal amber shield!

646. Brain freeze!

647. Clear!

648. Cunt punt!

649. Table throw!

650. You're doing a great job, keep it up!

651. Fuck you!

652. Oh, God!

653. Wrist bite!

654. Paring knife!

655. Clear.

656. Keep that one alive.

657. Kronish!

658. You're coming with us.

659. Fuck you, resistant scum!

660. Son of a perf cock!

661. He landed right on that lower-case T.

662. We're out of Biotics.

663. Guys, there's one more down here!

664. No, please tell me you shat your dress.

665. No, no, no, no, no!

666. Shit, this is nuts.

667. Bye-bye, brain bomb.

668. She's going to detonate!

669. Finally found a use for those things.

670. She's alive, but we got a problem.

671. - What, is she going to pop? - Not yet.

672. Didn't get a clean hit.

673. Bomb's delayed, not deactivated.

674. - Cool move, though. - How long until her head blows?

675. 28 minutes.

676. I really thought she liked me.